Top Ten Things to Never Ever Say Out Loud

I've Got a Big Mouth

I’ve Got a Big Mouth Photo http://www.winwes.com

 

This list was inspired by hearing many things said in an out loud voice that would have been better kept to the inside. Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things to Never Ever Say Out Loud

10 Never say out loud, “When is your baby due?” If you do, at best the person will give you a time of expected delivery but a frown for asking a personal question. At worst, you will be apologetic for making the assumption of motherhood when, in fact, the person has a different condition that the non-recognition of same requires numerous hits about your head and body. (And you thought that umbrella was on account of the rain forecast)

9 Never say out loud, “Do you smell something?” If you do, at best those around you will wrinkle their nose and assume you are an animal. At worst, big Brutus who is behind you will think you are making fun of the fact that he works on an oil rig that will become apparent to you on your way to the ER. (Brutus has some sensitivity about smelling like oil although he has not mastered the art of bathing)

8 Never say out loud, “It’s my turn.” If you do, at best you will have someone choosing to disagree. At worst, the crowd behind you in line will sense the insecurity of such a statement and push forward in an attempt to eliminate your position in line. (You should not say it even if the clerk asks “Who’s next?”)

7 Never say out loud, “My you have a healthy appetite” If you do, at best you will call attention to the fact that the person ate quite a bit. At worst, you will demonstrate your lack of social grace and someone might hand you a well-deserved knuckle sandwich. (Which will be 100% fat-free.)

6 Never say out loud, “Is that appropriate wear for a date?” If you do, at best you might be responsible for the opening salvo of a great teen war. At worst, you might be told that what is worn is no body’s business and what are you going to do about it. (The next move and ultimate fault for the episode is yours.)

5 Never say out loud, “You out of razors?” If you do, at best there will be some additional comment about you not liking a particular look. At worst, you will come to understand that razor use is now part of certain banned behaviors of a back to nature group. (That you had no idea existed before now.)

4 Never say out loud, “I hear you’re in Weight Watchers.” If you do, at best you can expect an unwelcome comment about your weight. At worst, you could be on the receiving end on an invitation to engage in an unnatural act with yourself. (And we are not talking about spanking.)

3 Never say out loud, “Did you have a choice of color?” If you do, at best the subject of your humor will not laugh with you.  At worst, you might be on the receiving end of some very critical comments about your lavender colored Ford Focus. (And you know you had a choice.)

2 Never say out loud, “Your children are certainly a handful aren’t they?” If you do, at best you will have precipitated a great test of will on the part of the parent. At worst, you will understand what it is like to pick on a baby bear cub. (Running up a tree is probably the best solution.)

1 Never say out loud. “You don’t eat meat. What’s wrong with you?” If you do, at best those who don’t eat meat will avoid you like the plague. At worst, several members of the Professional Vegan Wrestler Society will provide a free message, and you will agree there is nothing wrong with people who choose to avoid eating meat. (Admit it you never felt so relaxed and possibly so paralyzed.)

43 comments

  1. I’ve never said any of these but I have been told some hahahaa! very funny list!:)

    1. Thanks for the visit. I hope you had a good comeback. 🙂

  2. I learned #10 the hard way. Great list, John!

    1. I think we all have in one way or another.

  3. Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
    And perhaps might I add.. Should you be having another drink?…..great John.. and very true.

    1. Thank you, Sally, for the reblog. I like your addition and it could apply to “Do you think you need that second helping?”

      1. Yes heard that one before.. right after when is it due?? pleasure John.

  4. I can add one to this list. Never say out loud, ‘You’re looking a bit thin, you could do with some meat on you.’ This is very aggravating to someone who hates looking like Olive Oyl and can’t put on weight. Only an insensitive oaf would say ‘You’re looking fat, you could do with losing a few pounds,’ and yet people seem to think it’s fine to say you’r’e looking thin. There’s no difference – both statements are equally rude!

    1. So true. Also, we never know if there is an underlying medical problem or not so best keep the comment inside.

  5. Another good list. I could have used this before I uttered #10.

    1. That is a big snag alright.

  6. Great list, John! I agree with #10 whole-heartedly 🙂 I’ve been embarrassed by asking that before LOL. Another one is: “Wow, you look like you have your hands full” to people who have multiples. They hate that – I’ve come to realize 🙂 I suppose it suggests they are either crazy for having so many or that they can’t handle their brood. Thanks for sharing, John!

    1. Thanks for the visit and the comment. Sometimes it is hard not to say something that is not intended to be offensive but turns out that way.

  7. Lol – thanks for making my smile before lunch on a Monday John! 🙂

    1. It is good for you to smile. Try before breakfast on Mon-aw forget it.

  8. Wise advice. That picture looks really strange in color for some reason.

    1. Most of the shows were in B&W so you are right.

  9. LOL. Great list, John. I was guilty of fewer of those than expected!
    In my 20’s (I was actually tiny, but was led to believe I was fat), I was wearing a baggy dress and a woman asked me when my baby was due. I was mortified, nearly in tears. When I told a coworker (who had a wicked sense of humor) she gave me great advice. “Oh honey… Keep the dress — it’s cute. But if it happens again, just pretend to whimper and cry ‘No, but we’ve been trying for years!’ That’ll shut them up!” 😀

    1. I love that. or “The dingo ate my baby.”Thanks, Teagan.

  10. Great list, John. Another statement to avoid is, ‘You look good…for your age.’ Doesn’t matter how old the person is, they’re not going to appreciate it!

    1. Ha ha ha . I had someone say that to me on my birthday. I did say thank you but thought it odd.

  11. I’m a vegetarian and get the last one more often than one would think. Good list.

    1. I’m sure. My wife and I don’t eat red meat and get that all the time.

  12. Funny, John.. I’ve been asked the preggo ? too many times. NO!! I’m just FAT, OKAY??

    1. At least you get the expressions on their faces to laugh at after.Thanks for adding to the blog with your comment.

      1. Yeah, there’s that….You’re welcome.

  13. Good ones. Another one not to say, “Why don’t you have kids?”

    1. That is a good one. I was a recipient​ of that one for six years.

  14. I am guilty of a few of those and have thought all of them! Just what we need on Monday!

    1. You are forgiven

  15. Great list, John, Try not to say these things. Have to remember, Can’t remember if I eve said it, but still, you never know 😀

    1. There may be others as well like “do you workout?”

  16. Ha, I have said, “Oh, you’re having a baby.” to someone and no, they weren’t expecting. All good though, she still loves me. 😀

    1. What’s not to love about Dale Furse? 🙂

  17. Gosh, I’ve said No. 1 to MTM so much…….he now eats bacon. 🙂

    1. Way to go Andra. (who doesn’t eat bacon? Whoops)

  18. The Professional Vegan Wrestler Society is a fitting way to get this post … otherwise, I’m not saying anything.

  19. I imagine we’ll hear #2 at some point. Then we’ll let them babysit and see just how much of a handful Angus can really be. 😉

  20. Sorry I missed this on Monday. What a great list! Every so often we have a baby boom at work, so if you think someone is pregnant, she probably is 🙂 Funny story: soon after we moved to our neighborhood 24 years old (just so you know I was of childbearing age then), we were invited to a neighbor’s house for a little meet-and-greet. Within minutes of entering his home, my husband and I were grilled by Victor, our host, as to why we don’t have children. This wasn’t a simple, “do you have any kids?” Rather, it was: “You don’t have kids! Why not? Why don’t you have children?!” What made the story funny to me: Victor was a Middle Eastern divorced single parent. Our childlessness was totally messing with his gestalt. He was otherwise an excellent host so we both just smiled and changed the subject.

    1. He wanted some kids for his kids to play with in the neighborhood

      1. That might have been part of it, but it felt a bit like the Inquisition …. 😉

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