Top Ten Thing Not to Say in the Doctor’s office #JusJoJan


The inspiration for this list is many many visits to doctor’s offices. I have six specialists all in charge of a different part of my body and one Primary Care Physician, who is watching the whole thing. I hope you enjoy the list.

Ten Things Not to Say in a Doctor’s office.

10 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say “What’s up doc?” If you do, at best you’ll get a look. At worst the doctor will decide a digital exam is a must do. (You just had one of these the last time your were here right?)

9 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I’m not a doctor but play one on TV.” If you do, at best, you’ll get a chuckle. At worst, you will be asked for a diagnosis on yourself. (Who knows if you are right or not)

8 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Do I get some painkillers?” If you do, at best, the doctor will make sure there are no refills. At worst, you will have to pass scrutiny to ensure you’re not a pill head. (You thought it was an innocent remark right Bucky?)

7 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Why am I still waiting? My time is valuable.” If you do, at best, you will feel better but will still wait longer. At worst, the minimum wage receptionist will accidentally slip your name down the list until you are first tomorrow. (Looking at your watch sixty times an hour won’t help either)

6 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I can get this medicine on the internet at half the price.” If you do, at best you will be ignored and will still get the prescription. At worst, you will be invited to buy your drugs on-line and to consult a doctor online as well. (Well. That didn’t work out the way you planned did it, Homer?)

5 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I have filled out these forms ten times already.” If you do, at best you will get a kindly smile and a request to fill out the form. At worst, you will be branded a trouble maker, and the clerk will make sure you will need to complete the form until your last day on Earth. (Would have been easier to fill out the form one more time and hope for the best.)

4 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “How soon will the doctor be in to see me?” If you do, at best, the answer will be the same as you’ve heard while waiting on the phone for customer service.”The doctor is busy with other patients and will be here shortly.” At worst, the nurse will inform the doctor you are in a rush, and he’ll be in and out of your exam room in twenty seconds. (I hope he is right about the need for a barium enema. Aren’t you?)

3 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,” Please file that insurance paperwork for me.” If you do, at best, the reimbursement will be delayed. At worst, the clerk will quit next Wednesday and toss all the incomplete paperwork in the wastebasket. (Well it was only a $125.00 after all)

2 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,”This is not how Doctor Smith handled me.” If you do, at best you’ll be informed that Dr. Smith is no longer your doctor and “we” know best. At worst, you will be kindly asked to join Dr. Smith who is currently working with Doctor’s Without Borders in the jungle somewhere.(Dr. Smith wasn’t all that good after all right?)

1 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,”I just can’t lose weight no matter what I do.” If you do, at best you will be given an extensive list of things you can eat and asked to fill out a diary for the next month. At worst, the doctor will give you some medicine that makes everything you eat taste like cod liver oil. (Now we both know no such drug exists so tell me why it works)

This post is part of the Just Jot it January happening. Go here to find out what it is about.



  1. It doesn’t matter too much what I say to my doctor; he doesn’t understand a word of English and my French isn’t too hot. Mustn’t say too much – 10am appointment tomorrow.

    1. He might be watching.

      1. It is possible; I have had, since coming here, three procedures for skin cancer, a week in hospital with GE (hiatus hernia diagnosed while I was there) and a prostate resection. Do you suppose he reads my blog (using Google translate, of course)?

      2. Maybe. I hope you get a discount for frequent patient status.

      3. All covered by insurance. I did have to pay extra for WiFi

  2. 11) Do not say “Ok, what’s on special offer this week, I need a week off work?”

    1. Ha ha ha. Good one.

  3. Ha! That’s about right, John. Wishing you a terrific, healthful, Tuesday! Mega hugs.

    1. Thanks. You too, but first a healthful Monday.

  4. Nice! It’s good to hear tha

  5. Not sure what happened there! I was going to say it’s the same over in the UK!

    1. Thanks for letting us know. πŸ™‚

  6. These are great, John! I’ll keep them in mind when I go for my physical later this week. Love the picture too!

  7. Eh, I think 10 and 9 should be considered occupational hazards. They knew those jokes were coming when they swore the oath. πŸ˜€ So with #1, does the medicine change the taste of cod liver oil to something else?

  8. Thanks for the humor! Loved it!

    1. Thank you for the visit (I loved that as well)

  9. Hilarious, John, and quite possibly true. πŸ˜€ — Suzanne

  10. Why do I have to see a specialist? Aren’t you a doctor?

    1. Ha ha ha. he will answer, “Get out.”

  11. I usually say the same thing. “I’ve filled out these forms ten times already.” Don’t they have a computer system????

    1. Yup. That;s why you keep filling them out. πŸ™‚

  12. John, I love #7, and it’s sooo true. Why do they overbook? Why is the doctor’s time more valuable than mine? Another thing — why is the TV always blaring?? I’d welcome using that waiting time as catch-up-on-my-reading time, but no way, not with those screaming folks jumping up and down on some game show!

    1. or worse a show about urinary tract infections

  13. I’ll add #11, although I have been told to say it by my employer “I have an HSA, there is no coPay” – They look at me like I have 6 heads. I’m sure they brand me a troublemaker too.

    1. Yeah that is a heart stopper. I also have no co-pay and one receptionist asked if I had any insurance. Had to laugh

      1. Their answer was “pay us the co-pay and, if you’re correct, we’ll send you a refund.” My response was “No, if I’m wrong, which I’m not, send me a bill.” For unrelated reasons, I have a new doctor.

      2. Ha ha ha. Unrelated or not, good choice.

  14. Good list! It sounds like you speak from experience!

    1. As I say I have enough of them.

  15. Definitely have to be careful what you say in a doc’s office.

    1. Yes you do. “Hand me that scalpel,” is also a no no

      1. And my fascination with sharp objects…I’d want to see it, of course.

      2. Here it is. Oooops should have turned that around for a handle first pass off.

      3. Yes, you should have… *stare at his poor hand*

      4. Here take this cloth. The bleeding will stop in no time.

      5. *wraps hand up* The sudden, I’m 100% better.

      6. Good. What is that dripping on the floor?

      7. Dadblameit. You’re not supposed to point that out! Very rude, see.

      8. Well it’s a white carpet after all. Hold the hand up in the air.

      9. Oh I just ruined your carpet…well, think of it as a decoration, I say.

  16. How did I ever survive without you, John?

    1. I’m not really sure. You’ve done a nice job though.

      1. Thanks, buddy!

  17. Ha ha ha. Mustn’t say anything in the doctor’s office. He has way too many ways of getting even with you if you cross him / her the wrong way.

    These are hilarious, John. I’m barking now. Can’t laugh anymore. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

    1. Can you say cold hands?

      1. The failure of the health profession. Brr. Ha ha.

  18. My check-up is not until May but I will keep these in mind! My dental check-up is this week and I’ll have to fill out the forms again…gave up saying there was no change years ago. I just hate it when the receptionist calls me Sweetie! May all your future visits go well since there will be little you can safely say to your physicians!

    1. I agree with little you can say. Old joke about the doctor who told a guy he was terminal. The guy told the doc he wanted a second opinion. The doctor said “And you’re ugly too.”

  19. Waiting at the doctor seems to be less these days because docs are part of corporate health, which is driving metrics. Meanwhile, the office staff at my doctor’s used to be horribly unfriendly .. .but much better now. Meanwhile, some practical advice – don’t tell the doctor that you understand when you honestly know you don’t have any clue … it’s OK not to know.

    1. Good advice Frank. Saves a lot of confusion in the end.

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