Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear

~ John W. Howell

 

This list is inspired by a weekend out-of-town and overhearing some of the darnedest things said by others.

Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear

10. When others can hear you, do not ask your partner if they brought the money. If you do, at best we all know you’re okay to spend. At worst, the mugger behind you will love the confirmation you should be ripped off. (Could have whispered that one right?)

9 When others can hear you, do not ask a waiter if the food is good. If you do, at best he will tell you the truth, and you have no more information than when you arrived. At worst, he will tell you a lie, and you now have a choice to order or leave. (Gotta wonder why you came here in the first place)

8 When others can hear you, do not negatively comment on the neighborhood. If you do, at best everyone will ignore you. At worst, you will have offended Little Bubba, who just happens to be the POA president and local gang lord. (I guess that answers the question about your missing tires when you return to your car now on cement blocks)

7 When others can hear you, do not ask the butcher if he has any better cuts of meat. If you do, at best he will say that all his cuts are on display. At worst, he will be offended at the implication of poor quality and explain to everyone in line you are obviously not a judge of good meat. (Better than being chased around the store by a half-crazed man with butcher knife)

6 When others can hear you, do not discuss your plans for the evening. If you do, at best you’ll sound like an idiot. At worst, the local cat burglar who followed you here will make note of the hours of your absence from your house.

5 When others can hear you, do not complain about your neighbors. If you do, at best those that hear have no idea who you or your neighbors are. At Worst, those that hear are relatives of your neighbors and are now approaching you with malice in their eyes. (As a side note they are all members of the Dingle Brothers kickboxing team.)

4 When others can hear you, do not answer the question “how you doing?” with anything but “fine.” If you do, at best your story will sound a notch south of pathetic. At worst, you will come home to a ringing phone, and it will be your mother calling to find out what is the problem. (If it was that bad you should have told her. Right?)

3 When others can hear, do not try to impress them with your knowledge of anything. If you do, at best you will sound pompous. At worst, the person hearing you will be an expert in the area on which you are pontificating and be quick to point out how wrong you are. (Man, who was to know that guy was an oenophile?)

2 When others can hear you, do not try to get a better price on a car. if you do, at best the sales person will try to direct you to an office. At worst the sales person will announce loudly that the car is below cost now and can’t take one more penny off. (Imagine that. The price is $100.00 over the sticker.)

1 When others can hear you, do not try to talk the police officer out of a ticket. If you do, at best you have guaranteed the officer will write one up. At worst, you might be the cause of a call for backup and a charge of trying to bribe an officer. (Your offer of “Ten Bucks” for the Policeman’s Ball ticket was a little out of line.)

47 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear”

  2. When others can hear you, do not fart. If you do, at best you will clear the room. At worst, you will be judged the winner and have to buy drinks for all present. (You didn’t know there was a competition?)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 11) ….don’t make insane pronouncements about constructing giant walls across the country. At best, everyone will think you’re a lunatic. At worst, you’ll become President and start World War III.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. #10 is related to a funny story that I agreed to let my daughter tell some day on her blog. Suffice it to say, it’s a good rule. #4 is one that should be posted in the kitchen of every office. I asked a coworker once: “how are you?” and received a lengthy description of the progress he was making with his kidney stones.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. #4 always drives me nuts. If I say ‘fine’ then people call me anti-social and ignore me for the rest of the event. If I say more than that then I overshare or I’m called negative because I decided to be honest. Just can’t win.

    As for #1, that’s why God invented cleavage. Though it doesn’t seem to be very effective for guys and leads to awkwardness on the highway.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. LOL… John, I have to confess. I’m repeatedly guilty of #4… I just can’t help myself. I love to watch the befuddled, astonished looks on their faces when I answer with something honest — knowing full well that they never had the slightest interest in any answer but the obligatory “Fine.”
    Sometimes you just have to mess with people. 😈
    Monday mega hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Oh gosh. I was talking about an organization the other night in a bar. I turned around, and who was standing there but a former president of that organization?!? I need to remember not to talk about anything when out in public. Ha.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. These are so good, John! Every time I’m out of the house, I overhear people telling others things they shouldn’t be saying. (Makes for wonderful eavesdropping for my writer self, but ack! who wants to hear all those gory details of someone’s surgery??)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll bet. I overheard two thirty somethings tell the waiter they were in a rush and could they finish in an hour. He was nice and I was thinking “Sorry ma’am I’m not qualified to give sexual advice but it only takes me ten minutes.”

      Like

Comments are closed.