This list is inspired by a weekend out-of-town and overhearing some of the darnedest things said by others.
Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear
10. When others can hear you, do not ask your partner if they brought the money. If you do, at best we all know you’re okay to spend. At worst, the mugger behind you will love the confirmation you should be ripped off. (Could have whispered that one right?)
9 When others can hear you, do not ask a waiter if the food is good. If you do, at best he will tell you the truth, and you have no more information than when you arrived. At worst, he will tell you a lie, and you now have a choice to order or leave. (Gotta wonder why you came here in the first place)
8 When others can hear you, do not negatively comment on the neighborhood. If you do, at best everyone will ignore you. At worst, you will have offended Little Bubba, who just happens to be the POA president and local gang lord. (I guess that answers the question about your missing tires when you return to your car now on cement blocks)
7 When others can hear you, do not ask the butcher if he has any better cuts of meat. If you do, at best he will say that all his cuts are on display. At worst, he will be offended at the implication of poor quality and explain to everyone in line you are obviously not a judge of good meat. (Better than being chased around the store by a half-crazed man with butcher knife)
6 When others can hear you, do not discuss your plans for the evening. If you do, at best you’ll sound like an idiot. At worst, the local cat burglar who followed you here will make note of the hours of your absence from your house.
5 When others can hear you, do not complain about your neighbors. If you do, at best those that hear have no idea who you or your neighbors are. At Worst, those that hear are relatives of your neighbors and are now approaching you with malice in their eyes. (As a side note they are all members of the Dingle Brothers kickboxing team.)
4 When others can hear you, do not answer the question “how you doing?” with anything but “fine.” If you do, at best your story will sound a notch south of pathetic. At worst, you will come home to a ringing phone, and it will be your mother calling to find out what is the problem. (If it was that bad you should have told her. Right?)
3 When others can hear, do not try to impress them with your knowledge of anything. If you do, at best you will sound pompous. At worst, the person hearing you will be an expert in the area on which you are pontificating and be quick to point out how wrong you are. (Man, who was to know that guy was an oenophile?)
2 When others can hear you, do not try to get a better price on a car. if you do, at best the sales person will try to direct you to an office. At worst the sales person will announce loudly that the car is below cost now and can’t take one more penny off. (Imagine that. The price is $100.00 over the sticker.)
1 When others can hear you, do not try to talk the police officer out of a ticket. If you do, at best you have guaranteed the officer will write one up. At worst, you might be the cause of a call for backup and a charge of trying to bribe an officer. (Your offer of “Ten Bucks” for the Policeman’s Ball ticket was a little out of line.)