Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Neighbor

~ John W. Howell

 

The inspiration for this list comes up all the time. I, of course, have had the presence of mind not to say any of these things. Not that I have not wanted to say them, but just never wanted to practice a scorched Earth policy when it comes to people living next door.

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Neighbor

10 Do not say to your neighbor, “I see you have a fine crop of weeds.” If you do, at best you will get ignored. At worst, you get an offer to come over and take care of them. (Who wants to weed the neighbor’s lawn? You Bunky?)

9 Do not say to your neighbor, “That music is a little loud.” If you do, at best you might get someone to turn it down. At worst, around midnight, the music will be cranked up to the pain level. (And the drunk neighbor is in his underwear making rude gestures toward your bedroom window.)

8 Do not say to your neighbor, “We have covenants against that dog barking.” If you do, at best the neighbor will tell you what to do with the covenant. At worst, he will think it funny to release the slobbering and apparently irascible beast in your direction. (You never knew you could run that fast. Did you?)

7 Do not say to your neighbor, “You know Sundays are for quiet.” If you do, at best your neighbor will spend extra time with that leaf blower making sure his lawn is just right. At worst, he will take the rest of the day to work on that oak tree using the dullest chainsaw known to man. (Is that your rear molars I hear cracking?)

6 Do not say to your neighbor, “You know we are under water restrictions.” If you do, at best your neighbor will give you a smile and keep watering the street. At worst, your neighbor will take today as the opportunity to fill the pool, wash the car, test the sprinkling system, and take a bath. (I guess he will show you how to spend $300.00)

5 Do not say to your neighbor, “You are supposed to get your paint color approved before you paint.” If you do, at best your neighbor will continue to paint and get approval later. At worst, your neighbor will stop brush painting the delicate gray and start rolling the Barnie Purple. (No good deed goes unpunished does it?)

4 Do not say to your neighbor, “Is that fence approved by the POA?” If you do, at best you will get an offer to pay attention to something that is your business. At worst, you will be the proud half-owner of an eight-foot tall wire fence that has a fine barbed wire at the top on one side of your property. (Might come in handy to keep the neighbors at home, though.)

3 Do not say to your neighbor, “I don’t think I will be able to support your kid’s school’s popcorn sales event this year. If you do, at best you will be guiltified into participating anyway. At worst, you will keep having midnight phone calls. (And there is never anyone there. You swear you can hear the faint sound of popcorn popping in the background.)

2 Do not say to your neighbor, “Can you give us a hand on the clean-up project this weekend?” If you do at best, you will get a straight, “no.” At worst, you will have to listen to all the reasons why helping out is not part of what the neighbor signed up for when moving in. (Hard to stay awake isn’t it?)

1 Do not say to your neighbor, “How about picking up that poop.” If you do, at best you will get a suggestion for self-romance. At worst, you will get into a big argument and eventually end up wearing the poop. (Didn’t quite turn out the way you thought did it?)

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Published by John W. Howell

I have been working in business for over forty years and now have the time to work in special areas of interest. My passion has always been to create compelling stories of fiction. I have authored six novels and am working on my Seventh. The first novel is still in manuscript form and being utilized as a door stop in the laundry room. The second is a contemporary fiction novel of 89,000 words and is complete and I am currently seeking a publisher. I also write poetry but have not had the guts to share any with anyone. The one time I read a piece to a person their only comment was, “it doesn’t rhyme.” I will continue to write and hopefully my blog, Fiction Favorites at www.johnwhowell.com will provide some entertainment and an interesting thought or two. I live in the Austin area with my wife Molly and an assortment of loving pets.

49 thoughts on “Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Neighbor”

  2. Great list John. Here in New England you could add: “Would you like me to help with that?” when your’ neighbor is struggling to shovel snow. You can end up with a life-long obligation while your neighbor sips tea behind the curtain.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. #8 reminds me of someone. Their neighbor had a really loud dog that they left outside at night, which is terrible. The situation wasn’t improved by the other person screaming out their door late at night. It escalated to involve notes and cops, but wow was it awkward being around for all of that.

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  7. Great list, John — timely, too. I just finished Band-aid-ing the fence between our house and one of my neighbors. It’s HIS dog that keeps leaping onto the thing, but he could care less if Doggie knocks it over and does his business in our yard!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Great list, John! Quite a few other things not to say to retired neighbors who peek out their shades when you walk by with your dogs! If the dogs step a paw on their grassy lawn, there’s a knock at the window! Well, not to hand gesture your thoughts either! Just smile and nod! Elizabeth

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  12. I think I’ve used variations of all of these on neighbours over the years, although I don’t understand the “covenant” reference. But I’m guessing my zero-tolerance policy against cats in the garden amounts to something similar.

    Liked by 1 person

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