Top Ten Things Not to do on Spring Break

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This list is inspired by watching almost every weird occurrence that can transpire in a two-week spring break period.  I did a previous post on the subject but decided to take it from the sane adult perspective. After all for every drunken idiot spring breaker antic, there is an equally sober witness to that action. (It’s called the law of disgust) This list is for those innocent souls who happen to be living in a place that is a destination for spring breakers.

Ten Things Not to Do During Spring Break

10 If you live in a spring break area, do not react to a group of spring breakers in a pick-up who ask you to pull up your shirt. If you do, at best you might get a string of beads. At worst, you may cause the group irreparable psychological harm. (They were talking to the young woman behind you. Not you old man.)

9 If you live in a spring break area, do not try to cross the street. If you do, at best you will become a laughable imitation of the game Frogger. At worst, you may end up on the hood of a pick-up and realize the driver is too drunk to see that far. (You won’t mind riding there for the next ten miles right?)

8  If you live in a spring break area, do not think you will be able to drive downtown to the store. If you do, at best what was a five-minute round trip will be a three-hour tour. At worst, you will never get to the store and will, in fact, be carried by the traffic to the next county. (The city tried to warn you about traffic flow)

7 If you live in a spring break area, do not think you can go to the beach. If you do, at best you will not find a place. At worst, you will be caught up in a game of beer pong and never make it home. (So it was the only way you could find a place you say?)

6 If you live in a spring break area, do not take any insults personally. If you do, at best you will be the source of much laughter. At worst, you will need transport to the ER for heart attack symptoms. (Guess which EMS vehicle can’t get through the crowds?)

5 If you live in a spring break area, do not worry about the ten tons of trash laying on the beach. If you do, at best you will want to do something to the next person you see toss a beer can. At worst, the next person you see toss a bear can is nicknamed “killer.” (This will not turn out well will it?)

4 If you live in a spring break area, do not try to help a person who appears lost and disoriented. If you do, at best they will not understand you. At worst, you could be the recipient of a barf shower. (Of course, you wanted to help. You can’t help stupid)

3 If you live in a spring break area, do not try to do anything about all the noise coming from your neighbor’s house. If you do, at best your neighbor will tell you where to go. At worst, the noise will increase since your neighbor is someone who doesn’t like being told what to do.(He is especially stubborn after twelve beers. Just ask his wife.)

2 If you live in a spring break area, do not use any sharp knives or dangerous tools for the duration. If you do, at best you won’t need emergency attention. At worst, you will need to know first aid since it will be about two days until someone can come help you. (The police and medical teams are dealing with big problems like passed out underage drinkers.)

1 If you live in a spring break area, do not leave your doors unlocked. If you do, at best you may wake up with unknown guests on your couch. At worst, all your furniture could be on the front lawn. (Just because a bunch of kids thought it would be funny)

33 comments

  1. LOL… “law of disgust”
    Applesauce! You retire and move to “paradise” and that’s what you get? I guess there is a bright side to the fact that I’ll probably never be able to retire after all. 😉
    Be careful among the idiots, John. Mega hugs 😀

    1. I am so happy this is only a three week deal and one week is gone. I have to admit there are some humorous moments that make the mess somewhat tolerable. Take care among the politicians Teagan. Hugs

      1. Haha! Well at least the politicians haven’t throwing beads… yet. This time around who can tell. 😀 Have a marvelous Monday.

  2. That last one is cringe-worthy because I could see it happening so easily. Sounds like a time you gather supplies and hunker down for the duration.

    1. Yes. We try to stay home.

  3. Sounds like a siege. Might make a good short story.

    1. It would be like making a short story out of a very stressful area. Hmmm might be good at that.

  4. Fortunately, it will take a whole lot of global warming to make north central Connecticut a spring break destination. Still, good to know.

    1. Ha ha ha. I think you are safe.

  5. Many years ago, while on spring break in Key West, I was the recipient of a barf shower. Yup…while strolling down Duval Street, someone decided to barf over there balcony and right onto my head. Being the germaphobe that I am, I was mortified. Needless to say, the next year, I stayed at home during spring break. Great job, John!

    1. OMG. I would have died. Poor Jill. 😦

      1. I came close, John. It was disgusting. 😦

  6. I think those suggestions are hilarious but also a good idea to follow through on. Common sense might all be coming from you. 😀 — Suzanne

  7. “You can’t help stupid.” Perfect statement, John. I do sympathize. I lived several years along the Mississippi Gulf Coast, where sometimes it feels like Spring Break year round. Soooo hard to work with all that noise, traffic, and distraction. Hang in there…they’ll swoop off like seagulls before you know it, and things can return to normal!

  8. This is about the only time of year I am glad we don’t live on the beach.

    1. I can understand that.

  9. John, so funny to read about, not funny to live it. Good the San Diego beaches are not in my direct path. Anyway the weather is a bit frosty here. Think the “breakers” went on to Mexico! Hunker down and be safe! 💛 Elizabeth

    1. Thanks Elizabeth.

  10. Very wise advice! Stay sane out there and soon you will have your island paradise back…at least until summer hits! It is still a great place to live out there and worth putting up with spring breakers for a couple of weeks or so. Cheers!

    1. I would say so as well. 🙂 Thanks

  11. Wait! A two-week spring break? o_O That’s a week longer than we have here and I feel doubly sorry for you. Nos. 1 and 4 made me cringe enough. I can’t remember the rest of the unfortunate situations after chewing over these two. 😀 😀 😀

    1. Yes. Schools let out at different times. This next weekend is when they are all on the loose.

  12. Reblogged this on Don Massenzio's Blog and commented:
    This is a very funny post (because it’s true). I live in Florida and the traffic for the Spring Break time period is unbearable. I could also add things like don’t go to a theme park, don’t rent out your house, etc.

    1. Thanks for the reblog Don

      1. You’re welcome. It was a good one.

  13. Has Robert DeNiro read this?
    It could have come in handy during that last flick he made with the kid from High School Musical…

    1. I think he missed it.

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