Top Ten Things Not to do in the Wind

 

Last weekend we had winds more than eighty miles an hour. Although not a hurricane these are the kinds of winds  can cause damage. We did have a piece of siding come off, but little damage otherwise. You can see the strip missing in the photo.

This list was inspired by the idea of trying to function while the wind is blowing. I didn’t try any of these things but want to make sure all have been warned. (Of course, not too many of you are faced with winds at the eighty-mile an hour level.)

10 If you are caught in high winds, do not try to put up a tent. If you do, at best you’ll end up with a pile of waving canvas. At worst, you and the tent might get caught in the wind and break the individual altitude record for unmotorized flight.( you forgot an oxygen mask didn’t you Wheezer)

9 If you are caught in high winds, do not count on that hair glue to keep the toupee in place. If you do, at best you’ll need to be fast to catch it. At worst, your neighbor will witness the top of your head flying off and will end up in the ER with heart problems. (Guess who has no insurance? Yup it’s the neighbor)

8 If you are caught in high winds, do not decide a kiteboard session would be fun. If you do, at best you may find yourself being carried out to sea. At worst, you may find yourself carried inland through endless acres of cactus and palm trees. (I think you might need more than iodine for those wounds Bunkie.)

7 If you are caught in high winds, do not think it is a good idea to cook out. If you do, at best you may not be able to light the fire. At worst, you will get the fire lit as well as the south side of town. (Your insurance policy does not cover stupid)

6 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue with the volleyball game even though the score is tied. If you do, at best that hard spike will come right back to hit you. At worst, your lightest player may have difficulty staying grounded. (Man did you see how they flew after that saving dive for the ball.)

5 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue your sailing excursion. If you do, at best you’ll be able to ride out the storm by hauling down the sheets and setting a storm anchor) At worst you’ll be doing fifty knots just before the mast finally gives way.(Lucky for you this thing is made of wood. Sure is wet though isn’t it?)

4 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue your golf game. If you do, at best you’ll lose a number of balls that become airborne. At worst, you and your golf cart will by some miracle manage to land after a harrowing flight over the 15th green. (Amazing how things without wings can take off. Right Bubba?)

3 If you are caught in high winds, do not forget the old adage about spitting into the wind. If you do, at best you’ll end up embarrassed and wet. At worst, just when you thought it safe you’ll let go and unfortunately, hit some guy named Dick the Bruiser  who is standing downwind. (Wasn’t he the wrestler on TV?)

2 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue your high ladder painting project. If you do, at best your paint droplets will cover a half-mile square area. At worst, you and your paint Could be the subject of the nightly news under the headline, “A New Art Form Has Been Developed called Body Drop with Paint” (You are wondering which hit first the body or the paint)

1 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue to ride your hoverboard, bike, or Segway in an attempt to get to safety. If you do, at best you finally give up. At worst, you will be pulled over by the state police exceeding the speed limit on the freeway. (“All I could do was hang on officer,” is your excuse.)

56 comments

  1. LOL, I’m just imagining the look on the cop’s face for #1. 😀 Eight made me cringe — ouch! o_O
    But John, being a man, I can understand how it wouldn’t occur to you. My #1 would be “Don’t wear a full skirt!!!” (Although it did result in a great price on a necklace at the international market, I know it wouldn’t have the same outcome now that it did in my 20s! And embarrassment going up exponentially.) ^^’
    Mega Monday hugs!

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    1. Ha ha ha. I was going to put one that was “If you are a Scot do not wear your kilt in high winds,” but couldn’t figure it out. Your story was fun. Thanks Teagan.

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      1. LOL, from what I hear, the Scotsman would would be even more embarrassed. 🙂

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      2. Commando type, yes

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  2. Great list, John! If you’re lucky enough to have the wind at your back on every golf hole, you can press forward. 🙂
    I’m happy to hear your house sustained minimal damage.

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    1. Thanks Jill. It is pretty well built. That one strip of siding must not have been connected properly. Have a good one today.

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  3. Do you get a sand blasting effect there? It would be rough on cars.

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    1. Yes. We have to keep our cars under cover. The wind, salt , and sand are murder.

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      1. In 80 mph wind I would think even the windows on the house would get pitted.

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      2. They are hurricane proof. Can take sustained winds up to 150 MPH. They do not pit. (They are the only things that don’t)

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      3. That’s interesting. I don’t think of such things from Idaho.

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      4. You have to worry about flying potatoes.

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      5. Only when the grandkids come over.

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  4. #5 brings back a memory John. I was trying to teach my wife about sailing. I had a small (18′) day-sailer and, since I didn’t care if we moved at all, I wasn’t paying attention to the wind. It’s a long story, but it ended with a For Sale sign hanging off the boat and a marriage that has lasted 33 years on dry land.

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    1. Ha ha ha. I had the same experience with my kids. The poor things never got over the water pouring over the gunnels. They don’t like boats to this day. (I really did not mean to scare them)

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  5. For some reason, most of these make me think of natural selection and the Darwin Awards.

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    1. I think that would make a great post. You want it or shall I take it.

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      1. You can take it. I’m not really sure where I would go with it beyond citing the Darwin Awards.

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      2. Okay. Look for it.

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  6. What a fun list John! I have been caught ride my bike in rather high winds, but unfortunately riding against it! It is not any easy task!

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    1. Yes. I have had the same problem. Most days we have wind in the 10 mile per hour range. Thanks for stopping Lynn.

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      1. My pleasure John!

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  7. I once kicked sand into the wind only to have it come back into my face and eyes. I had to write that into my book. It was a learning experience, if only to teach me to keep my temper in check.

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    1. Yes. Sand and wind do not spell happiness for the eyes. Thanks, Susan

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  8. 🙂 Great advice! 😉

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  9. These are so vivid they were like movies in my head. Can’t stop laughing. I agree one about Scotsmen would have taken the cake. 😀 😀 😀
    Sorry about your siding.

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    1. The guys are here now to fix it.

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  10. I can always count on you for excellent advice! 🙂 Thank you. I shall never play volleyball in the wind again.

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    1. Thanks, Lesley. Your advice is better though.

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  11. Thanks for the tips! Ha! We get small dog warnings here in Colorado and have blasted close to 140 mph!

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    1. I love the small dog warning system

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  12. What a coincidence! Port Aransas was on HGTV’s “Island Life” last night, and it was mighty windy!

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    1. I saw the show and didn’t think it was very windy. Hmmm. Maybe I’m used to it.

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      1. One man’s gale is another man’s pleasant breeze …

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  13. John, another fun things not to do post! Laughing out loud, especially about your added comments! I have small dogs. Will check AccuWeather for wind gusts & small dog warnings! Humor keeps us sane! A Monday necessity! Thanks! 💛 Elizabeth

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    1. Thank you Elizabeth. You make my day.

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  14. Great tips as we have wind most of the time but sometimes closer to hurricane force. I agree with Teagan..don’t wear a skirt on a windy day…you fill in the rest.

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    1. Maybe I’ll fill in some other time. Thanks

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  15. HaHa, these are great, John! Trust me, tennis is NO FUN in high winds, either! I can’t imagine 80 mph winds not in a hurricane. We’ve had gusts lately up in the 40 mph range, and I’m considering tying Dallas down so he won’t blow into the neighboring state!!

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    1. I guess they called it a category one.

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  16. …and do not expect your gazebo to survive, even if you do tie it to the fence and brace it to every solid object in sight, it will still get destroyed when the wind gets under the canopy and tries to flip it over again.

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    1. Ode to gazebo. Thanks Dale.

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  17. Of course, you also don’t spit into the wind…or mess around with Jim.

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    1. or pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger

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      1. Not to mention tugging on Superman’s cape.

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      2. I guess we have covered it.

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      3. That’s about it.

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      4. Of course after it was all over you don’t mess with Slim.

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      5. Or Leroy Brown

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  18. You’re saving lives, John W. Howell…

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    1. Ha ha ha Hook. You are the best.

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