Top Ten Things Not to do in the Wind

~ John W. Howell

 

Last weekend we had winds more than eighty miles an hour. Although not a hurricane these are the kinds of winds  can cause damage. We did have a piece of siding come off, but little damage otherwise. You can see the strip missing in the photo.

This list was inspired by the idea of trying to function while the wind is blowing. I didn’t try any of these things but want to make sure all have been warned. (Of course, not too many of you are faced with winds at the eighty-mile an hour level.)

10 If you are caught in high winds, do not try to put up a tent. If you do, at best you’ll end up with a pile of waving canvas. At worst, you and the tent might get caught in the wind and break the individual altitude record for unmotorized flight.( you forgot an oxygen mask didn’t you Wheezer)

9 If you are caught in high winds, do not count on that hair glue to keep the toupee in place. If you do, at best you’ll need to be fast to catch it. At worst, your neighbor will witness the top of your head flying off and will end up in the ER with heart problems. (Guess who has no insurance? Yup it’s the neighbor)

8 If you are caught in high winds, do not decide a kiteboard session would be fun. If you do, at best you may find yourself being carried out to sea. At worst, you may find yourself carried inland through endless acres of cactus and palm trees. (I think you might need more than iodine for those wounds Bunkie.)

7 If you are caught in high winds, do not think it is a good idea to cook out. If you do, at best you may not be able to light the fire. At worst, you will get the fire lit as well as the south side of town. (Your insurance policy does not cover stupid)

6 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue with the volleyball game even though the score is tied. If you do, at best that hard spike will come right back to hit you. At worst, your lightest player may have difficulty staying grounded. (Man did you see how they flew after that saving dive for the ball.)

5 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue your sailing excursion. If you do, at best you’ll be able to ride out the storm by hauling down the sheets and setting a storm anchor) At worst you’ll be doing fifty knots just before the mast finally gives way.(Lucky for you this thing is made of wood. Sure is wet though isn’t it?)

4 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue your golf game. If you do, at best you’ll lose a number of balls that become airborne. At worst, you and your golf cart will by some miracle manage to land after a harrowing flight over the 15th green. (Amazing how things without wings can take off. Right Bubba?)

3 If you are caught in high winds, do not forget the old adage about spitting into the wind. If you do, at best you’ll end up embarrassed and wet. At worst, just when you thought it safe you’ll let go and unfortunately, hit some guy named Dick the Bruiser  who is standing downwind. (Wasn’t he the wrestler on TV?)

2 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue your high ladder painting project. If you do, at best your paint droplets will cover a half-mile square area. At worst, you and your paint Could be the subject of the nightly news under the headline, “A New Art Form Has Been Developed called Body Drop with Paint” (You are wondering which hit first the body or the paint)

1 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue to ride your hoverboard, bike, or Segway in an attempt to get to safety. If you do, at best you finally give up. At worst, you will be pulled over by the state police exceeding the speed limit on the freeway. (“All I could do was hang on officer,” is your excuse.)

56 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to do in the Wind”

  1. LOL, I’m just imagining the look on the cop’s face for #1. 😀 Eight made me cringe — ouch! o_O
    But John, being a man, I can understand how it wouldn’t occur to you. My #1 would be “Don’t wear a full skirt!!!” (Although it did result in a great price on a necklace at the international market, I know it wouldn’t have the same outcome now that it did in my 20s! And embarrassment going up exponentially.) ^^’
    Mega Monday hugs!

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    1. Ha ha ha. I was going to put one that was “If you are a Scot do not wear your kilt in high winds,” but couldn’t figure it out. Your story was fun. Thanks Teagan.

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  4. #5 brings back a memory John. I was trying to teach my wife about sailing. I had a small (18′) day-sailer and, since I didn’t care if we moved at all, I wasn’t paying attention to the wind. It’s a long story, but it ended with a For Sale sign hanging off the boat and a marriage that has lasted 33 years on dry land.

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    1. Ha ha ha. I had the same experience with my kids. The poor things never got over the water pouring over the gunnels. They don’t like boats to this day. (I really did not mean to scare them)

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  7. I once kicked sand into the wind only to have it come back into my face and eyes. I had to write that into my book. It was a learning experience, if only to teach me to keep my temper in check.

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  13. John, another fun things not to do post! Laughing out loud, especially about your added comments! I have small dogs. Will check AccuWeather for wind gusts & small dog warnings! Humor keeps us sane! A Monday necessity! Thanks! 💛 Elizabeth

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  15. HaHa, these are great, John! Trust me, tennis is NO FUN in high winds, either! I can’t imagine 80 mph winds not in a hurricane. We’ve had gusts lately up in the 40 mph range, and I’m considering tying Dallas down so he won’t blow into the neighboring state!!

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  16. …and do not expect your gazebo to survive, even if you do tie it to the fence and brace it to every solid object in sight, it will still get destroyed when the wind gets under the canopy and tries to flip it over again.

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