Top Ten Things Not to Do While Holiday Shopping

Holiday shopping

 

The inspiration for this list came from many visits to the retail world. Not that I have done all these things, but have seen them in real life.

Ten Things Not to Do While Holiday Shopping

10 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not even think of stealing a parking place. If you do, at best you might beat out an old lady. At worst, you may come back to a car that is only six inches tall. (Tiny the WWF champ took exception to you cutting him off to get his space)

9 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not help yourself from the Salvation Army pot. If you do, at best you’ll get a lump of coal as a present. At worse, you might be face to face with a furious Santa. (That gun was a surprise huh Ferd? Why do you think they use the term, “Army?”)

8 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not hog the gift wrap counter. If you do, at best the line behind you is short and filled with pacifists. At worst, you might be facing an unruly mob being lead by some jerk who keeps yelling, “Get a rope.”(Trading your gifts for freedom was an excellent idea, Rube)

7 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not ask passers-byΒ their opinion on how something would look on your spouse. Β If you do, at best their answers will be suspect. At worse, you might encounter a fragile soul who just left a personnel review at work and the biggest criticism was their inability to make a decision. (You sure got to witness what the term “Going Postal” means didn’t you Buford?)

6 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not wait until the last-minute. If you do, at best you will have to settle for less than what you wanted to give. At worst, your state f panic will escalate to the point that you are throwing money at anything that looks or smells expensive. (The Bengal tiger seemed like the perfect gift yesterday. Has anyone seen grandma?)

5 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not ask a stranger to take your family holiday card photo in front of the gigantic mall tree. If you do, at best you might have a close up of the stranger’s finger. At worst, the stranger might decide to give a camera just like yours as a gift. (Funny how that person disappeared into the crowd hey Bunkie?)

4 If you are holiday shopping, do not wear a Santa hat and that ugly holiday sweater. If you do, at best most will think you’ve escaped from the home. At worst, the local news affiliate will feature you on the nightly news during their “Hard Luck Holiday Stories” segment. (Although all the packages and free food that showedΒ up at your door is a bonus)

3 If you are holiday shopping, do not think a long stop at the local bar is the place to start. If you do, at best you’ll skip the shopping till tomorrow. At worse, you will buy almost everything you see. (The only thing that stopped you was your credit card company insisting that the BMW dealer confiscate and cut up your card)

2 If you are holiday shopping, do not hire a personal shopper to do the work for you. If you do, at best your instructions will be followed. At worst, your personal shopper disagrees with your choices and take matters into their own hands. (Just how is little Jimmy going to be able to play that video game when he is only six months old?)

1 If you are holiday shopping, do not try to accompany your spouse on the same trip. If you do, at best they will always know where you’ve been. At worst, they know where you’ve been and do not approve, and you will be back to square one. (You did save two dollars on gas though tight wad)

44 comments

  1. Great “ten things” list, John. I loved the lynch mob at the gift wrap counter and Tiny pounding the guy’s car until it was six inches tall. Probably what happened to make Tiny that angry was the little old lady the guy cut off was Tiny’s mother. Good ones. πŸ˜€ — Suzanne

    1. Ha ha ha. i love that , Suzanne. Tiny’s mother. What a hoot! πŸ˜€

  2. Oy! I’m so glad for places like eBay and Amazon – the mall experience without the elbows, noise and knackered shop assistants (just grumpy card checkouts… but that’s another story) πŸ˜€

    1. I’m with you, Jan. Comfort of one’s own home. πŸ˜€

  3. This is why holiday shopping is scary. So much could go wrong. Tiny has gotten a lot of mileage this year, hasn’t he?

    1. He is a star. He might get his own show. πŸ˜€

      1. A Wednesday series in the future perhaps?

      2. WWF Tiny Live. Hmmm maybe after this one.

      3. Looking forward to the next entry.

      4. Okay. Might be a while though. My stuff tends to go on a bit.

      5. I’m patient. I swear. No proof that I’m not. *makes blog private* See. No evidence.

      6. Ha ha ha. Big laugh here.:-D

  4. I’m good with #7 for passers-by, but I have asked sales women to help. One, who my then 3-yr-old daughter agreed was “about mommy’s size” even agreed to try a dress on for us. Probably wouldn’t happen today.

    Good list John. Maybe I’ll just stay at the bar and give money πŸ˜‰

    1. I think you have the best solution. either money or gift cards ordered on the phone. πŸ™‚

  5. I love it. I never knew that’s why Army is in their name.

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Craig. πŸ˜€

  6. Great list, John! Oh…the parking lot during the holidays…such a scary place. Love the meme! πŸ™‚

    1. It is very scary. I use extreme caution when in a parking lot. thanks, Jill. πŸ˜€

  7. Another great list here, John! Gotta love Tiny! He’s getting to be a regular around here… relative?

    1. He’s become a fixture for sure. Thanks, John

  8. LOL… oh the memories. I worked a gift wrap counter one Christmas in my teens. It was interesting to say the least. Have a marvelous Monday. Mega hugs

    1. I could see that now. “Yes ma’am there is a charge for gift wrap. No ma’am I can do you a favor.” Ha ha ha.

      1. What stands out in memory is the lines. There were at least 4 lines, all backed all the way to the elevators. People could barely get out of the elevators… Oh the good old days! πŸ˜‰ I’m with Teri about the online shopping (but you already knew that).

      2. Yes. I knew. πŸ™‚

  9. All valid reasons to continue Christmas shopping online.

    1. I agree. Here I sit with my keyboard looking at items. πŸ™‚

  10. This is hilarious, John! Thanks for the laughter! Cheers. πŸ™‚

    1. You are welcome, Natalie. Thank you for the visit. πŸ™‚

  11. These are great, John, especially #6 and #7. You can’t know how many times I’ve been “accosted” by a stranger who wants to know what size he/she should get for Aunt Martha, who’s “just about” my size. Right, and I’m Mrs. Claus!!

    1. I know right? Some folks are nuts for sure. Thanks, Debbie. πŸ™‚

  12. Good list! I did some of my shopping online and cash is always good but I have to pick up a few last things in CC Wednesday. I have been guilty of #1 but have learned my lesson. Cheers!

    1. I pretty much have everything done. I still have this annoying feeling I missed something though.:-)

  13. #3 & 4 go hand in hand. Wear the sweater to the bar and then go shopping. Way more fun. πŸ™‚

    1. That would be a good idea. Thanks, Audrey.

      1. You say that like you’ve never done this before…Hmm?

      2. So long ago I can’t remember.

      3. Ha ha ha. Might have been the gin as well.

      4. It’s always because of the gin. πŸ™‚

      5. That’s true. πŸ˜€

  14. I like #6. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜›
    I don’t like crowds, nor shopping at any time, especially Christmas, not that I have anything against it. I think it’s gone way too commercial. o_O

    1. I agree. That’s why I stay home as well.

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