Photo by Sies Kranen on Unsplash

The inspiration for this list is my three-day-a-week three-mile ride on the single-speed beach cruiser bike. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along, and I thought I would share them with you.  This list was first published on January 31, 2017. I hope you enjoy it

10 On a bike, do not think you are riding a motorcycle. If you do, at best, the hand wave you make to the Hells Angels will be ignored. At worst, the leader of the pack, Tiny (WWF champion), will use you as an example of what happens when you mock the Hell’s Angels. (Don’t worry, he will untie you and let you go at the next town or fifty miles, whichever comes first, Ferd.)

9 On a bike, do not think you can take phone calls. If you do, at best, the other end will hear two out of ten words. At worst, you might be distracted enough to miss your turn and end up with a thirty-mile ride. (You have always warned people about that turn, and now you are the poster child, huh, Bunky?)

8 On a bike, do not think riding on a busy highway is the way to go. If you do, at best, you’ll get used to the horn honks. At worst, that eighteen-wheeler blast of air will knock some sense into you as you go airborne. (You were sure people couldn’t fly, weren’t you, Tex?)

7 On a bike, do not insist on exercising your rights to the right of way. If you do, at best, all others will concede. At worst, you’ll confront a passive-aggressive psychopath who has just been told they need to be more assertive. ( That crumpled aluminum mass can be sold for scrap, Buster. Just pick it up and walk the ten miles to the recycle center.)

6 On a bike, do not neglect proper clothing. If you do, at best, you can ignore the stares from those you pass. At worst, the citation for indecent exposure will be seen as a markdown from public lewdness. ( All because of that Speedo, huh, Ace?)

5 On a bike, do not forget that wet roads are slippery. If you do, at best, a couple of slides will be a reminder. At worst, that long hill ending at dead man’s curve seems to be a challenge right now, in that you are going twenty miles an hour straight down. (Brakes are a liability in this situation, aren’t they, Buford?)

4 On a bike, do not forget that insects will hit you at the speed you are going. If you do, at best, a couple of moth hits is all you will experience. At worst, you’ll have the pleasure of being dismounted by the largest June bug on the planet. (This is not a joust, and there is no princess kiss at the end, either, Duke.)

3 On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning to return to your lane. At worst, that lovely cottage and flower garden holding your attention is at the corner of the road and a drainage ditch. (mud and water are easy to get off you. What about the bike, Mike?)

2 On a bike, do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line. If you do, at best, you will get home safely. At worst, your storyline development will be interrupted by a quick ride to the ER. (Now with your leg in the air, you have plenty of time to do the storyline, huh, Ernest?)

1 On a bike, do not think you can do tricks like you’ve seen at the trick bike championships. If you do, at best, you’ll remember that all those champions are under twenty years old and stop yourself. At worst, you’ll get halfway through a triple spin and realize that your arthritis is no longer your major bone problem. (Enjoy everyone visiting you in the hospital and asking, “What were you thinking, John?”)