Photo by Haniel Espinal on Unsplash
This post was published on April 14, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Opening day is coming, so we’d better get prepared.
Top Ten Things Not To Do When Attending the Opening Day of Baseball
10. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not dress like you would at the playoffs. If you do, at best, a Good Samaritan will loan you a coat. At worst, you might need to be treated for hypothermia, frostbite, or both.
9. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not sit in an uncovered seat, even if you consider yourself a bleacher bum. If you do, at best, you might just get rained on. At worst, you will get caught under a ton of snow or hailstones and will require rescue by the ski patrol.
8. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not start a fire to keep warm. If you do, at best, you’ll be pressed by a bunch of strangers all trying to get warm, too. At worst, the league might just present you with an invoice for $100M to replace the stadium, which burned to the ground before the end of the game.
7. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think Brandy will help keep away the cold. If you do, at best, you may only forget where you came in. At worst, you might see yourself on the nightly news being dragged off the field by several policemen while you yell, “Hey, ump, you blind?”
6. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think you can hide from your boss since you told a fib about where you would be. If you do, at best, your boss will be in the next row, and you’ll have to spend the entire game hunkered down and quiet so you don’t get his attention. At worst, it will be your luck to be featured as the fan of the day on the nightly news, which your boss never misses.
5. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not attend the game with anyone of the opposite sex without telling your significant other. If you do, at best, you will run into a neighbor who will wonder who is with you, which will remind you to text your significant other, so there will be no unpleasant surprises when you get home. At worst, the giant gametron will catch you both sharing a laugh and will surround you with one of those annoying hearts demanding that you kiss, which, if you do because you both indulged in the brandy of #7, will be featured on the nightly news your partner never misses.
4. When attending the opening day of baseball, as a company team building function, do not force everyone to join you in eating a bag of peanuts just because it is mentioned in the song. If you do, at best, you might have problems with co-workers at work the next day. At worst, you might be named in a class action suit by those who are grossly allergic to peanuts.
3. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not bring a mitt thinking you will catch a ball. If you do, at best, people will think you’ve lost your mind. At worst, you may be the subject of an intervention by family members concerned with your ability to grasp reality unless you actually catch a ball.
2. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not root against the home team. If you do, even if you like the visitors, at best, you will have some grumpy people around you. At worst, you could find yourself wishing you had a warm towel to go with the ice-cold beer on your head.
1. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think the players can’t hear your insults from the stands. If you do, at best, you might get a classic gesture from one of the players that implies you should be mated. At worst, you might encounter a phalanx of very big players in the parking lot, all interested in giving you a personal remembrance of the game in the form of eyes that resemble the Raccoon mascot.
Fiction Favorites 
Great list, John. Number 10 rings true. Last year, our daughter and I attended game-3 of the opening home series between the Pirates and the Yankees. The Pirates won in 11 innings, but it was one of the coldest sporting events I’ve ever attended.
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I wonder how many game delays due to snow there have been?
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Some MLB highlights here https://www.mlb.com/stories/snow-games
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Oh my, “a phalanx of very big players in the parking lot” sounds ominous. Great list, John. If I attend another baseball game, I’ll be sure to heed your advice/warnings. 😄
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Yes, please do. I would hate to see you get sideways with some burly players. Thank you, Gwen. 😀
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Lol John… a lot to take in and duly noted. We don’t have baseball here
in the sticks although I think there are some Irish teams… but with
all that to think about I will probably just watch online..
Have a great week. hugs
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Much warmer that way. Thank you, Sally. 😀 Wishing you a great week, too.
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LOL So funny!!!
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Don’t take the ball from the child to prove you caught one.
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Sounds dangerous. Think I’ll stay home. 😁
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I am a baseball fanatic and you speak the truth! lol
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All of these duly noted – they are really good pieces of advice. Except maybe #3. When we used to go to a Durham Bulls game with our son, he always brought a mitt – we sat behind the outfield in a grassy area and there were always balls to catch.
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I remember the first big league baseball game I attended, and I could’ve used your list to pass around to those seated near me. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard such raunchy language … and my being of “the fairer sex” didn’t seem to faze them a bit!
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Yes, John, this is good advice. Definitely keep in mind that you’ll be outside, so you dress appropriately.
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Hee, hee. When I worked, one of my bosses and I would catch a few innings over lunch hours for those day games. It was great fun and I spent a couple of innings wondering what kind of excuse I could offer to the other boss who was morally opposed to having any fun whatsoever. 😈 Course this was back in the day when the Blake Street Bombers were knocking balls outa the park and before the management fine tuned their horrible management skills. Ahhh, those were the days. Happy Monday, John and thanks for the smiles. With snow always a possibility in Denver, I never attended opening day…cold weather sports are hockey…not baseball. LOL
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Do no bring magazines and sleep or do if you need to entertain yourself like I do.. 😉
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