Photo by Haniel Espinal on Unsplash
This post was published on April 14, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Opening day is coming, so we’d better get prepared.
Top Ten Things Not To Do When Attending the Opening Day of Baseball
10. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not dress like you would at the playoffs. If you do, at best, a Good Samaritan will loan you a coat. At worst, you might need to be treated for hypothermia, frostbite, or both.
9. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not sit in an uncovered seat, even if you consider yourself a bleacher bum. If you do, at best, you might just get rained on. At worst, you will get caught under a ton of snow or hailstones and will require rescue by the ski patrol.
8. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not start a fire to keep warm. If you do, at best, you’ll be pressed by a bunch of strangers all trying to get warm, too. At worst, the league might just present you with an invoice for $100M to replace the stadium, which burned to the ground before the end of the game.
7. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think Brandy will help keep away the cold. If you do, at best, you may only forget where you came in. At worst, you might see yourself on the nightly news being dragged off the field by several policemen while you yell, “Hey, ump, you blind?”
6. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think you can hide from your boss since you told a fib about where you would be. If you do, at best, your boss will be in the next row, and you’ll have to spend the entire game hunkered down and quiet so you don’t get his attention. At worst, it will be your luck to be featured as the fan of the day on the nightly news, which your boss never misses.
5. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not attend the game with anyone of the opposite sex without telling your significant other. If you do, at best, you will run into a neighbor who will wonder who is with you, which will remind you to text your significant other, so there will be no unpleasant surprises when you get home. At worst, the giant gametron will catch you both sharing a laugh and will surround you with one of those annoying hearts demanding that you kiss, which, if you do because you both indulged in the brandy of #7, will be featured on the nightly news your partner never misses.
4. When attending the opening day of baseball, as a company team building function, do not force everyone to join you in eating a bag of peanuts just because it is mentioned in the song. If you do, at best, you might have problems with co-workers at work the next day. At worst, you might be named in a class action suit by those who are grossly allergic to peanuts.
3. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not bring a mitt thinking you will catch a ball. If you do, at best, people will think you’ve lost your mind. At worst, you may be the subject of an intervention by family members concerned with your ability to grasp reality unless you actually catch a ball.
2. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not root against the home team. If you do, even if you like the visitors, at best, you will have some grumpy people around you. At worst, you could find yourself wishing you had a warm towel to go with the ice-cold beer on your head.
1. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think the players can’t hear your insults from the stands. If you do, at best, you might get a classic gesture from one of the players that implies you should be mated. At worst, you might encounter a phalanx of very big players in the parking lot, all interested in giving you a personal remembrance of the game in the form of eyes that resemble the Raccoon mascot.
Fiction Favorites 
Great list, John. Number 10 rings true. Last year, our daughter and I attended game-3 of the opening home series between the Pirates and the Yankees. The Pirates won in 11 innings, but it was one of the coldest sporting events I’ve ever attended.
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I wonder how many game delays due to snow there have been?
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Some MLB highlights here https://www.mlb.com/stories/snow-games
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Great, Dan. Thank you.
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Oh my, “a phalanx of very big players in the parking lot” sounds ominous. Great list, John. If I attend another baseball game, I’ll be sure to heed your advice/warnings. 😄
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Yes, please do. I would hate to see you get sideways with some burly players. Thank you, Gwen. 😀
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Lol John… a lot to take in and duly noted. We don’t have baseball here
in the sticks although I think there are some Irish teams… but with
all that to think about I will probably just watch online..
Have a great week. hugs
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Much warmer that way. Thank you, Sally. 😀 Wishing you a great week, too.
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LOL So funny!!!
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Thank you, Vero. 😊
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You’re welcome!!!👍
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😊
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Don’t take the ball from the child to prove you caught one.
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You believe that video? I was appalled.
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Sounds dangerous. Think I’ll stay home. 😁
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Good idea. Wait till summer.
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I am a baseball fanatic and you speak the truth! lol
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Glad you liked it, Kymber.
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All of these duly noted – they are really good pieces of advice. Except maybe #3. When we used to go to a Durham Bulls game with our son, he always brought a mitt – we sat behind the outfield in a grassy area and there were always balls to catch.
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Yes, but it was a kid with the glove, not you. 😊
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True. I would never try for a ball – it would have broken my hand!
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For sure. 😊
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I remember the first big league baseball game I attended, and I could’ve used your list to pass around to those seated near me. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard such raunchy language … and my being of “the fairer sex” didn’t seem to faze them a bit!
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It seems the “fairer sex ” has learned how to sling that language, too. Thanks, Debbie.
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Sad but true. Sigh.
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😊
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Yes, John, this is good advice. Definitely keep in mind that you’ll be outside, so you dress appropriately.
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So true, Tim. Thanks. 😀
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Hee, hee. When I worked, one of my bosses and I would catch a few innings over lunch hours for those day games. It was great fun and I spent a couple of innings wondering what kind of excuse I could offer to the other boss who was morally opposed to having any fun whatsoever. 😈 Course this was back in the day when the Blake Street Bombers were knocking balls outa the park and before the management fine tuned their horrible management skills. Ahhh, those were the days. Happy Monday, John and thanks for the smiles. With snow always a possibility in Denver, I never attended opening day…cold weather sports are hockey…not baseball. LOL
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Sounds like the one boss was a kick and the other a dud. I’m glad you got some smiles and memories out of the post. 😀
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You nailed it. The sports fan boss was easy going while the upright one was quite the pill. Thanks again for a fun post.
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😊
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Do no bring magazines and sleep or do if you need to entertain yourself like I do.. 😉
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Ha ha ha. Thanks, Cindy.
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😂 You’re welcome, John❣️
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😊
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#7 was pretty funny. #10 and #9 reminded me of when I went to see the Texas Rangers play in the Texas Ranger stadium with a friend. It was late spring or summer but it was still pouring so badly they had to interupt the game several times and cover the field with a plastic sheet, that they removed and then put back. We did not have an umbrella. My memory is fuzzy but I think they finally cancelled the game.
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Those are the worst kind of games. Thanks, Thomas
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Yes it is a bummer when that happens
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😀
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I remember seeing #5 on the TV news!
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The jumbotron affair. That was something.
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It sure was!
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😊
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#6 made me think of that scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, lol.
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I loved that movie. Bueller……. Bueller.
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Well done. You captured the main stuff.
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Thanks, Pat.
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😆
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Hmmmm … I think maybe I’ll just skip opening day this year! Seems simpler. Fun post, John!
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I would say so. Thank you, Jill.
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#6 makes me think of the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, when they play hooky and attend a Cubs game.
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That was a terrific movie. Bueller ……Buellier.
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I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that, aside from attending local baseball games when I was a kid and it was a family outing, I haven’t attended any baseball game, major or minor, as an adult. I was hit in the head by a baseball when I was little … that’s probably why I avoid them now 😄
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That would do it for me. Thanks, Marie.
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Having been to many opening days when I lived in Pittsburgh in the 1980s, I enjoyed your musings… While not an opening day, at an April game in Detroit. I bragged I’d get a beer when the temperature on the scoreboard reached 50… I was a teetotaler that day!
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Pittsburgh can be like that for sure.
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This was so funny, John!
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I’m glad you liked it, Jennie. 😁
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😀
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Hope springs eternal. (#3)
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Yes, it does. Thanks, Andrew.
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Uncanny and prophetic no.5. We know what happened at a Coldplay concert last July.
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Yes indeed. The jumbotron god was pleased.
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