Photo by Donghun Shin on Unsplash

Yes, this week marks the anniversary of George Washington laying the White House cornerstone in 1792. I’m sure you want to be there, but before you go, take this list and avoid making social or time-travel mistakes. The original post was run on October 14, 2019.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Laying of the Cornerstone of the White House in 1792

10 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not think the silver trowel is a souvenir. If you do, at best, a kindly George Washington will ask you to put it back. At worst, the Navy men in attendance who are also celebrating the founding of the Navy will help you put it back. (It seems as if those Navy boys have had a little too much rum, Jakome. They are serious about your yardarm swing.)

9 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not sit in Tiny the WWF champ’s seat. If you do, at best, he will find another. At worst, Tiny, who missed his Anger Management support group that morning, will not be able to control himself. (If you can hold on for another minute, Jalen, Tiny will grow tired of spinning you around above his head. Of course, your landing after that helicopter experience might be a little rough.)

8 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not carry a sign that says, “Federalists Suck.” If you do, at best, the Federalists will think you are joking. At worst, they’ll assume you don’t support the Constitution. ( You’ve done it now, Jamael. You have all those burly revolutionary veterans ready to run you out of town. )

7 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask Alexander Hamilton for tickets to his show. If you do, at best, he’ll wonder, “What show?” At worst, he’ll have Aaron Burr meet you at dawn. ( Do not go through with the duel, Jamison. That guy knows his way around a flintlock. I’ll bet you have much to learn.)

6 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask Washington what he thinks of “the wall.” If you do, at best, he’ll talk about clearing rocks out of the fields at Mount Vernon. At worst, when you describe what you are asking, he will have you committed. (You knew that was a non-subject, Jamshid. Gotta wonder why you would go there?)

5 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not expect to find a Starbucks right next door. If you do, at best, you can handle disappointment. At worst, your caffeine cravings will get the best of you. (There was no reason to yell at that sweet old lady when she couldn’t tell you where the nearest Starbucks was, Jantzen. Now you have that big soldier over there looking crossly at you.)

4 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask for directions to the Washington monument. If you do, at best, someone will point to George. At worst, whoever you ask will begin to suspect you are not from around there. (Since the monument wasn’t started until 1848, Janyd, you’ll gather a crowd who may not like your time-travel story.)

3 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask about the Secret Service protecting the President. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, they might ask why you think the President needs protecting. (Since the Secret Service wasn’t established until 1865, Japhet, those police officers will wonder why you are so concerned. Maybe time to leave.)

2 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask the architect why he forgot a fence? If you do, at best he’ll tell you there is no need since the President doesn’t keep cows. At worst, the idea will get passed around, and someone will suggest one be put in. (In effect, you caused a time tear, Jarah, since Thomas Jefferson helped build one in 1801)

1 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not offer to help carry the stone. If you do, at best, it will arrive in one piece. At worst, it was a little heavier than you thought, and now it is lying in two chunks on the ground. (Yeah, I would say it is time to run, not walk, to the time machine, Jari. I think your work is done here, and about 200 folks would love to wring your neck.)