Top Ten Things Not to do During a Storm

October 25, 2021October 24, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 105 Comments

This post originally ran on October 26th, 2015. Since we all have been through some storms this year, I thought it would still provide a chuckle.

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The inspiration for this list is a recent three-day storm here in Texas. Although I had enough sense not to do these things, they did come to mind as I was going through various circumstances.

Top Ten Things Not to do During a Storm

10 If you are in a storm, do not decide to drive around to check out the damage. If you do, at best, you may find yourself stranded by high water. At worst, you might be trying to explain to the grumpy-looking national guardsman why you didn’t heed the warnings to stay inside. (You have to wonder if that rifle has real bullets)

9 If you are in a storm, do not call the electric company to report a power outage. If you do, at best, you will be on hold for hours. At worst, you will be reminded that the entire grid is down and then asked some embarrassing questions designed to point out that it is dark all around you. (Never thought to look out the window, huh?)

8 If you are in a storm, do not rush your grocery store for a month’s worth of food and water. If you do, at best, you will be in the company of your hysterical neighbors. At worst, you will find yourself in a primal fight over a roll of toilet tissue with Shultz, the county cow tossing champion. (And you almost wrestled it away before you blacked out)

7 If you are in a storm, do not ignore the weather warnings. If you do, at best, you might be surprised at how fast things come at you. At worst, you might be challenged to swim for safety with only a duckie ring as a flotation device. (And you read on the duckie that it is not to be used as a flotation device. What’s that hissing sound?)

6 If you are in a storm, do not try to move through the darkened house without a flashlight. If you do, at best, your shins will take a beating on the furniture. At worst, that candle you lit will somehow fall into the pile of newspapers you left in the living room last night. (And guess how long it will take the fire department to reach you?)

5 If you are in a storm, do not keep driving in the heavy rain. If you do, at best, you will stress out to the maximum. At worst, your car might be invisible to that giant 18 wheeler behind you with the devil himself at the wheel. (It must be the devil given the recklessness of the driving)

4 If you are in a storm, do not think all your emergency gear takes the place of common sense. If you do, at best, the gear may not fully perform. At worst, you will think you will be able to ride out the storm only to change your mind two minutes after it is too late. (Don’t worry about trying to Google it. That wall of water is called a Tsunami)

3 If you are in a storm, do not think you need to go outside to fix something in the middle of wind and downpour. If you do, at best you will get very wet. At worst, you could find yourself being carried away in the company of your neighbor’s swing set. (You might be able to turn around in a mile or so.)

2 If you are in a storm, do not think a quick dash to the mailbox doesn’t require wet weather outer gear. If you do, at best, you will need a bath and hot cocoa to thaw out. At worst, the chill you received on the jaunt turns into something that keeps you in bed for a week. (And what you are doing cannot be remotely described as enjoying yourself.)

1 If you are in a storm, do not think you have to brave the elements to get to work. If you do, at best, you will show up, and no one else will be there. At worst, you will have battled the storm for hours, and once you get there, all questions about your judgment skills will be answered. (And you thought you were indispensable)

Top Ten Things Not to do with Stuff You Find

October 18, 2021October 17, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 77 Comments

This list was originally posted on October 18th, 2015. I think I might still be helpful.

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This list is inspired by going through some boxes recently and coming across some unusual things. Of course, most of what follows is made up, so I didn’t have these experiences. I would ask the Wall Street Journal to fact-check entirely before using this story.

Top Ten Things Not to do with Stuff You Find

10 If you find an unopened box, don’t open it. If you do, at best, you might find someone’s old toss-outs or laundry. At worst, you may find the remains of last year’s Thanksgiving dinner that was supposed to be thrown out. (You still can’t get the image out of your brain)

9 If you find a lawnmower at the side of the road, do not pick it up. If you do, at best, you will find out why it was thrown away. At worst, you will put it in a garage sale only to have the original owner accuse you of theft. (How he knew it was his is anyone’s guess)

8 If you find a lamp that has washed up on the beach, do not rub it. If you do, at best, it will turn out to be made in China. At worst, you will be given three wishes by a fierce-looking genie, and you won’t get it right. (You thought you would be clever when you asked for a million bucks and now have a deer-feed bill that won’t quit)

7 If you find what you think is a treasure chest in your backyard, leave it where it is. If you don’t, at best, you will find it full of smelly dirt. At worst, it will have things inside carrying a Blackbeard curse. (Go ahead and try to spend those doubloons before your hand falls off)

6 If you find what looks like a bomb in your garage, run away. If you don’t, at best, it is only a handmade school project. At worst, old man Jones finally made good on his threat to” blow you to kingdom come.” (Suddenly you remember he used to work for a demolition company)

5 If you find a set of golf clubs at a garage sale, don’t buy ’em. If you do, at best, you will find they weren’t worth what you paid for them, even if it was only a dollar. At worst, once you take up the game, you will find out why they were for sale in the first place. (How’s that high blood pressure medicine working for you?)

4 If you find a washer on the curb of your neighborhood, leave it there. If you don’t, at best, you will only be successful in relocating it to your curb. At worst, you will spend the time and trouble to hook it up only to find the spin, and the empty cycle doesn’t work. (Soaking wet clothes weigh a ton. Right?)

3 If you find a strange object with colored lights in the woods behind your house, call the police. If you don’t, at best, it is only your neighbor testing the outdoor Christmas tree lights. At worst, you will be asked to join the expedition to a funny place where they will run experiments on you and then send you back. (You say no one believes your story? Really?)

2 If you find a note on the kitchen table, pretend not to see it. If you don’t, at best, it is an old shopping list. At worst, it is a goodbye note with the name of a lawyer at the bottom who is now your only contact. (And you thought being nice was something you didn’t have to do)

1 If you find a large, five-toed animal footprint in the yard, call animal control. If you don’t, at best, it is nothing but the neighbor’s new dog. At worst, it is the long-lost Yeti-like drooling, smelly, hairy thing that is now taking up residence in your shed and suddenly has a thing for you. (Just smile, and maybe it will go away).

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Decide to Self-Publish Your Book

October 11, 2021October 10, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 97 Comments

This post originally ran on October 12th, 2015. Those with memories of an elephant might like it again. For the rest of us, I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list is my latest effort to self-publish the next John J. Cannon story titled His Revenge. Since I had absolutely no experience in publishing, the journey was a long winding road marked by plenty of mistakes. I’m sure the trial and error method is not over yet, but here is some of what I learned. Don’t forget I’m a fiction writer, so some of these lessons have been enhanced with dubious facts to make them more exciting and hopefully humorous. I would, therefore, resist publishing this list on the Huffington Post. (hear that, Arianna?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Decide to Self-Publish Your Book

10 If you decide to self-Publish your book, do not drink any alcoholic beverages four weeks before and two weeks after you hit the publish button. If you do, at best, those little things you forgot are not necessary. At worst, you find out after six weeks you submitted the wrong cover with the manuscript. (You know the one. It has “fiction” spelled “fuction”).

9 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not try to edit the manuscript yourself. If you do, at best, you will have a fool for an editor. At worst, your book will be featured on a blog with the lovely title of “The Poorest Written Books of the Year.” (You are so lucky to have the top position)

8 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t need to know how to format the interior. If you do, at best, your readers will be treated to several blank lines. At worst, your book will resemble something created by a room full of monkeys on keyboards. (Yeah, it can be done, but that one page with only the word “then” on it took the cake)

7 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think that the cute Crayola picture done by your youngest as the cover is relevant to the book. If you do, at best you will miss some sales due to the confusion. At worst, you will get some letters from outraged parents who thought the story of a mass murderer was for children. (Ah well, you can always refund the money)

6 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t have to follow the instructions on the publishing site. If you do, at best, you will finally give in and start over following directions after wasting many hours. At worst, you will be locked out of the site for one hundred years. (Most places have no sense of humor when it comes to messing with their process).

5 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think the various choices offered by the site are not significant enough to understand the differences. If you do, at best, you may end up with a book that does not make you happy. At worst, your book is so expensive to produce you have no royalty or room to promote. (You are independently wealthy, Right?).

4 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t need to order a proof copy. If you do, at best, you will miss some of those messy little typos and double periods. At worst, you totally missed the fact that you mislabeled the chapter headings and now have two of each. (The reviewers will have so much fun pointing out the mirror effect).

3 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not rush the process. If you do, at best, there will be something overlooked, but no one will notice. At worst, you forgot to include the dedication that you already read aloud to the recipient. (Hard to convince the person you were sincere after this omission).

2 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you can skip the marketing. If you do, at best your family and friends will carry you for a couple of sales. At worst, you will be one of several hundred thousand books published simultaneously and will be entirely lost in the numbers. (You did expect to sell your beautiful book, right?)

1 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not lay awake at night worrying about possible mistakes instead of planning every detail. If you do, at best, you will feel out of control. At worst, you will have a lot to worry about since, without planning, mistakes will happen. (Even with planning, there could be some, Nobody’s perfect).

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

September 27, 2021September 26, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

This post was originally run on September 29th 2014. Still bears paying attention to today. I hope you like it.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

This list has as inspiration a mishap in the kitchen resulting from not being fully engaged in the process. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are cooking dinner, do not walk away from that pot of water that refuses to boil. If you do, at best, you will return to find a steam-filled kitchen. At worst, you will return to a completely dry pot in the basement through the giant hole in the floor and the volunteer fire department captain writing up the citation.

9 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to edit your novel at the same time. If you do, at best, you may find the word asparagus in your final proof. At worst, you will not find the word asparagus in the final proof and will have to live with “She reached for him and could feel his asparagus responding to her advance.”

8 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to watch the big game while measuring out the ingredients. If you do, at best, you will only miss a few spices. At worst, you will get teaspoons and yards confused and find your recipe expanded to enough servings for twenty.

7 If you are cooking dinner, do not accept help even if asked. If you do, at best, the person helping will alter your recipe to their desire, but it will work out. At worst, the person helping will leave out key ingredients or add something that doesn’t belong, and instead of your triumph dish, you will be serving a new form of dog food.

6 If you are cooking dinner, do not ask people what they would like. If you do, at best, you will only get a couple of different requests and can make an executive decision which to ignore. At worst, you will have such diverse opinions you will finally give up and throw everyone into the car for a drive-through visit.

5 If you are cooking dinner, do not decide you know the recipe by heart. If you do, at best, the result will be close to what it is supposed to be. At worst, you will produce what will be known for eternity as “that crap that was supposed to be a lasagna.”

4 If you are cooking dinner, do not think everyone likes spicy food. If you do, at best, you will only have a couple of people who seem too weak to eat. At worst, you will be alternating between running for water to quell the burning and giving heart palpitations to bring back those affected.

3 If you are cooking dinner, do not think everyone on the planet will enjoy your special meal made from stuffed goat intestines. If you do, at best the evening will end early. At worst, you will cause several of your guests to run screaming for their lives, fighting the gag response never to return.

2 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to pass off a Stouffers Mac and Cheese, which was in the freezer as homemade. If you do, at best, your family might not notice. At worst, the family will expect the same quality the next time, and you’ll be stuck with your dirty little secret, which will be found out sooner or later.

1 If you are cooking dinner, do not sample the food or wine to any significant degree. If you do, at best, you will be tired of the meal before serving. At worst, you will not outlast the preparation and wonder how the dinner went without you or the meal the next day.

Top Ten Thngs Not to Buy Online

September 20, 2021September 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 98 Comments

This list was originally posted on August 21, 2015. Still makes some sense. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list is inspired by having some unpleasant experiences with items purchased without having the luxury of trying them out first. Although extreme, this list represents some of the potential disappointments a buyer can experience in shopping online.

Top Ten Things Not to Buy Onlne

10 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cosmetic kit that promises an instant youthful appearance. If you do, at best, you’ll learn that what seems too good to be true is too good. At worst, you will need an intervention by an expensive dermatologist just to remove the facial mask. (And don’t you look good with a Jim Carrey green mask?)

9 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cheap juicer that claims to be as good as the $700.00 version. If you do, at best, you will still be able to use a spoon to eat the pulp, which is the only thing produced. At worst, the overload on your electrical system as the juicer tries to extract carrot juice will kill your lights and the entire East Coast grid. (And you thought your last electric bill was high)

8 If you are shopping online, do not buy that used car advertised to run like new. If you do, at best, you might get at least fifty miles before your first breakdown. At worst, the claim of running like new had small print where they were referring to a new Yugo. (Yes, that smoke you smell is coming from the engine compartment)

7 If you are shopping online, do not buy that bargain-priced pacemaker. If you do, at best, you may wonder why you are getting the Chicago Bears radio broadcast in your chest. At worst, you may figure out the thing does not keep pace according to the Western ecology. (Yes, it is noon, and you are sound asleep)

6 If you are shopping online, do not buy the do-it-yourself appendix removal kit. If you do, at best, you will have a fool for a patient. At worst, it will be challenging to perform the work and read the instructions. (Yeah, the picture of the appendix looks fuzzy to me too.)

5 If you are shopping online, do not buy those pharmaceuticals that are half-priced. If you do, at best, you won’t be ingesting pharmaceutical-grade cement. At worst, you will have to deal with why your symptoms won’t go away, and your face is blue. (Cornstarch is a miracle product but not for the treatment of illness. Your breath smells terrific)

4 If you are shopping online, do not buy that half-priced airplane engine part. If you do, at best, you’ll have plenty of warning before it fails, and it is not critical. At worst, you will learn a little too late Murphy’s law of airplane parts which states, “The criticality of a plane engine component is directly proportional to its original cost.” (So the half-price was attractive up to the point where the ground and you meet un-expectantly)

3 If you are shopping online, do not buy that hotel room at 70% off. If you do, at best, you will only suffer from the brick wall, no view outside your window. At worst, you will return from your cheap trip only to discover you have brought home some rare and highly reproductive things that move fast when the lights go on. (That is an exciting rash you have there)

2 If you are shopping online, do not buy that robot vacuum kit priced way below what you have seen elsewhere. If you do, at best, you may be able to assemble it even though several parts are missing. At worst, once your new robot is ready, you realize it now has control over your house and a Napoleonic complex. (Sure is fun saluting a robot, isn’t it?)

1 If you are shopping online, do not buy that sale-priced Xbox game. If you do, at best, you’ll find out on level three that your cheats no longer work, and you get killed every time. At worst, in playing the game, you suddenly realize that it is for real, and now you are running for your life. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Hey, look out, that guy has an ax.)

The Top Ten Things Not to Do While Working Outdoors

September 13, 2021September 12, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

This post originally ran on September 15th, 2014. Seems like it is still good advice today. I hope you enjoy it.

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It’s that time of the year again when certain outdoor chores have to be done in preparation for the coming change of seasons. The weather is finally turning a little cooler, so the projects put off because of the heat can now be done. This list has been inspired by the times I have not paid attention to the Top Ten Things Not to do While Doing Outdoor Work.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do While Working Outdoors

10 If you need to fix or waterproof your outdoor deck, do not start the work after noon. If you do, at best you will have to work past dinner. At worst, you will quit the project only to find yourself doing the work in the snow.

9 If you need to go up on a ladder for anything, do not ask your spouse to spot you at the bottom of the ladder. At best, you may drop a tool that will be regrettable. At worst, your spouse may find themselves breaking your fall, which will be unforgivable.

8 If you need to use a power tool, do not forget the safety glasses. If you do, at best, you may get some debris in your eye. At worst, you might just get an exciting ride to the emergency room for significant eye repair.

7 If you need to use a chainsaw, do not try to saw off anything over your head. If you do, at best, you may not be able to avoid a falling limb. At worst, you may find yourself trying to avoid a swinging chainsaw running at full speed.

6 If you need to paint anything, do not think a spray gun is a way to go if you have no experience. If you do, at best, you may find the job harder than you expected. At worst, you may have covered the trees, shrubs, and your car with the beautiful coral shade you are using.

5 If you decide to rent any kind of machinery to do your work, do not fail to read the directions. If you do forget or decide to ignore them, at best, you may cause the machine to break down. At worst, you may find yourself and your machine in the living room when you actually intended to work on the driveway.

4 If you need to use any kind of grease on your project, do not fail to take off your shoes before entering the house. If you do forget, at best, you might only have one small piece on your shoe. At worst, you will have walked all the way through the snow-white living room before you notice your tracks and hear the sound of a gun being cocked.

3 If you intend to fix any plumbing, do not forget to turn off the water. If you do forget, at best, you will get a face full and be drenched before you go and turn it off. At worst, you will wish you had built an ark before beginning the work and are now watching your belongings wash down the street.

2 If your project includes electrical work, do not forget to turn off the electricity to the item you are working on. If you do forget, at best, you will cause some sparks and then go turn it off. At worst, you will cause an arc of electricity that will melt the tool you are using and permanently clear your sinus while providing you with a full-body hair removal treatment.

1 If you decide to dig in the yard to plant those big trees, do not forget to call the utilities to find out where all the lines are buried. If you do forget, at best, you may accidentally cut your neighbor’s cable, and they are a work-at-home IRS agent. At worst, you may cut more important lines and assume you survive you will be fighting the outage charges for the rest of your life.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

September 6, 2021September 5, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

This post ran on Labor Day 2015. I thought it was pretty good advice, so here it is again.

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In honor of Labor Day, I’ve decided to boil the top ten list down to the most important items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. Of course, the remembrance includes we authors.

Top Ten Things Not to do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day, have fun but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best, you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person, not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day, all.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Doctor

August 30, 2021August 29, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

This post was originally run on August 15, 2014. I think it remains relevant today. Also, I’m at Story Empire today discussing Lewin’s Change Process if you care to pop over there too. Here’s the link.

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Here is the 60th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. The inspiration for this came from sitting in several doctor’s offices this week.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Doctor

10. If you visit a doctor, do not listen to your tunes with earphones while in the waiting room. If you do, at best, you will miss your name and have a few more hours wait. At worst, you will start humming one of your favorites and will be asked to wait in the hallway until your name is called.

9. If you are visiting a doctor, do not smile at the old lady sitting across from you even though she is smiling at you. If you do, at best, she will think you nuts since her smile will turn out to be gas. At worst, she will think you are being fresh and give you a nice whack with her cane.

8. If you are visiting a doctor, remember to turn off your cellphone. If you don’t, at best, you will get some annoying notifications. At worst, you will get a call from another doctor’s office wanting to discuss your last test results.

7. If you are visiting a doctor, do not touch anything in the office waiting room. If you do, at best, you will only catch a cold. At worst, you will be in line for the next case of Rona since the last case finished with the magazine you are reading now.

6. If you are visiting a doctor, do not attempt any doctor humor. If you do, at best, you will bomb like Henny Youngman at an NRA convention. At worst, you will keep wondering about not being able to feel your leg after the shot from the humorless one in charge.

5. If you are visiting a doctor, do not try to get in without paying your co-payment amount. If you do, at best, you will be called back to the front to the amusement of all the patients. At worst, you will meet the biggest medical technician who will hold you upside down until you pay up.

4. If you are visiting a doctor, do not go through any of the cabinets in the examination room. If you do, at best, you will see some unusual instruments that will make you want to leave immediately. At worst, the doctor will walk in just as you come across the samples of products designed to prevent sexually transmitted disease

3. If you are visiting a doctor, do not ask questions about the degrees posted on the walls. If you do, at best, you will find they don’t belong to your doctor. At worst, you will find out your doctor went to a rival school to yours and one known for its status as a party university.

2. If you are visiting a doctor, do not ask for samples of drugs. If you do, at best, you will be given a lecture about the evils of addiction. At worst, you will be escorted to the interrogation room of the local DEA office, where there will be difficult questions about what you know and when you knew it.

1. If you are visiting a doctor, do not forget to bring your medication list. If you forget, at best, your doctor will prescribe something similar to what you already take. At worst, your doctor will prescribe drugs that have contraindications to what you take, and you will be found tomorrow wandering naked in the middle of the street babbling something about the giant pink elephant.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Live in a Vacation Destination

July 19, 2021July 18, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 84 Comments

Originally published on July 22, 2015, and was the first mention of Tiny.

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This list has been inspired by observing the interaction between vacationers and locals at some vacation destinations where I have found myself as a resident. Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do If You Live in a Vacation Destination

10 If you live in a vacation destination, do not honk your horn at the drivers who habitually go ten miles below the speed limit. If you do, at best, they will go even slower. At worst, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a very frustrated lost out-of-towner with a car full of kids and someone asking, “If we should have stopped and asked directions.” (And they might just have their semi-automatic weapon collection along for the ride.)

9 If you live in a vacation destination, do not put off grocery shopping until the end of the week. If you do, at best, you will be able to check out before your ice cream is liquefied. At worst, you will have spent three hours fighting out-of-towners for items on your list only to find you lost a majority of the battles. (And the last six-pack of beer went to an immense guy named Tiny. ( At least that’s what the tattoo you read on the fingers of his fist said before your lights went out.)

8 If you live in a vacation destination, do not drive your car downtown between Thursday and Sunday. If you do, at best, your round trip will be several hours. At worst, you will be forced to sleep overnight in your car since you parked in the only spot available only to find all the streets have been closed to traffic until dawn (And you didn’t bring a toothbrush)

7 If you live in a vacation destination, do not plan to have dinner out from May 30^th until September 2^nd. If you do, at best you will be disappointed with the quality and service. At worst, you will be served hours after your order and will receive a meal lower than fast food quality and priced like Michelin Four Star. (And you ran out of things to talk about an hour before.)

6 If you live in a vacation destination, do not look forward to a peaceful summer. If you do, at best, you will finally give up and stay inside. At worst, you will become known to the police as “that crank with no sense of humor.” (And even get a busy signal on a 911 call).

5 If you live in a vacation destination, do not think by being rude to the visitors, somehow they will never come back. If you do, at best, you will receive some rudeness in return. At worst, you may just be rude to the wrong person and end up looking like a raccoon. (Tough to explain as well)

4 If you live in a vacation destination, do not think everyone picks up after themselves. If you do, at best, you will become disillusioned quickly. At worst, you will find yourself explaining to the police why you are threatening out-of-towners with a litter pickup stick. (And they have their Tasers at the ready)

3 If you live in a vacation destination, do not even think of going to the Dairy Queen. If you do, at best, all your cones will look like shakes. At worst, your blood pressure will hit overdrive as you watch the two clerks try to handle one hundred customers. (And you wonder why management is surprised by a rush of business during vacation time)

2 If you live in a vacation destination, do not give anyone permission to park in your driveway just for a moment. If you do, at best, you will not be able to get out for a few hours. At worst, you will have the vacationers in your driveway for two weeks. (And the car is locked)

1 If you live in a vacation destination, do not casually mention the idea people should visit. If you, at best you will only get a few who will take you up on your “offer.” At worst, you will have a houseful of permanent residents, and you’ll be lucky if you even know them. (And they remind you of being out of beer.)