Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Thngs Not to Buy Online

~ John W. Howell ~ 98 Comments

onlineshopping

This list was originally posted on August 21, 2015. Still makes some sense. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list is inspired by having some unpleasant experiences with items purchased without having the luxury of trying them out first. Although extreme, this list represents some of the potential disappointments a buyer can experience in shopping online.

Top Ten Things Not to Buy Onlne

10 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cosmetic kit that promises an instant youthful appearance. If you do, at best, you’ll learn that what seems too good to be true is too good. At worst, you will need an intervention by an expensive dermatologist just to remove the facial mask. (And don’t you look good with a Jim Carrey green mask?)

9 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cheap juicer that claims to be as good as the $700.00 version. If you do, at best, you will still be able to use a spoon to eat the pulp, which is the only thing produced. At worst, the overload on your electrical system as the juicer tries to extract carrot juice will kill your lights and the entire East Coast grid. (And you thought your last electric bill was high)

8 If you are shopping online, do not buy that used car advertised to run like new. If you do, at best, you might get at least fifty miles before your first breakdown. At worst, the claim of running like new had small print where they were referring to a new Yugo. (Yes, that smoke you smell is coming from the engine compartment)

7 If you are shopping online, do not buy that bargain-priced pacemaker. If you do, at best, you may wonder why you are getting the Chicago Bears radio broadcast in your chest. At worst, you may figure out the thing does not keep pace according to the Western ecology. (Yes, it is noon, and you are sound asleep)

6 If you are shopping online, do not buy the do-it-yourself appendix removal kit. If you do, at best, you will have a fool for a patient. At worst, it will be challenging to perform the work and read the instructions. (Yeah, the picture of the appendix looks fuzzy to me too.)

5 If you are shopping online, do not buy those pharmaceuticals that are half-priced. If you do, at best, you won’t be ingesting pharmaceutical-grade cement. At worst, you will have to deal with why your symptoms won’t go away, and your face is blue. (Cornstarch is a miracle product but not for the treatment of illness. Your breath smells terrific)

4 If you are shopping online, do not buy that half-priced airplane engine part. If you do, at best, you’ll have plenty of warning before it fails, and it is not critical. At worst, you will learn a little too late Murphy’s law of airplane parts which states, “The criticality of a plane engine component is directly proportional to its original cost.” (So the half-price was attractive up to the point where the ground and you meet un-expectantly)

3 If you are shopping online, do not buy that hotel room at 70% off. If you do, at best, you will only suffer from the brick wall, no view outside your window. At worst, you will return from your cheap trip only to discover you have brought home some rare and highly reproductive things that move fast when the lights go on. (That is an exciting rash you have there)

2 If you are shopping online, do not buy that robot vacuum kit priced way below what you have seen elsewhere. If you do, at best, you may be able to assemble it even though several parts are missing. At worst, once your new robot is ready, you realize it now has control over your house and a Napoleonic complex. (Sure is fun saluting a robot, isn’t it?)

1 If you are shopping online, do not buy that sale-priced Xbox game. If you do, at best, you’ll find out on level three that your cheats no longer work, and you get killed every time. At worst, in playing the game, you suddenly realize that it is for real, and now you are running for your life. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Hey, look out, that guy has an ax.)

The Top Ten Things Not to Do While Working Outdoors

~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

a home improvement

 

This post originally ran on September 15th, 2014. Seems like it is still good advice today. I hope you enjoy it.

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It’s that time of the year again when certain outdoor chores have to be done in preparation for the coming change of seasons. The weather is finally turning a little cooler, so the projects put off because of the heat can now be done. This list has been inspired by the times I have not paid attention to the Top Ten Things Not to do While Doing Outdoor Work.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do While Working Outdoors

10 If you need to fix or waterproof your outdoor deck, do not start the work after noon. If you do, at best you will have to work past dinner. At worst, you will quit the project only to find yourself doing the work in the snow.

9 If you need to go up on a ladder for anything, do not ask your spouse to spot you at the bottom of the ladder. At best, you may drop a tool that will be regrettable. At worst, your spouse may find themselves breaking your fall, which will be unforgivable.

8 If you need to use a power tool, do not forget the safety glasses. If you do, at best, you may get some debris in your eye. At worst, you might just get an exciting ride to the emergency room for significant eye repair.

7 If you need to use a chainsaw, do not try to saw off anything over your head. If you do, at best, you may not be able to avoid a falling limb. At worst, you may find yourself trying to avoid a swinging chainsaw running at full speed.

6 If you need to paint anything, do not think a spray gun is a way to go if you have no experience. If you do, at best, you may find the job harder than you expected. At worst, you may have covered the trees, shrubs, and your car with the beautiful coral shade you are using.

5 If you decide to rent any kind of machinery to do your work, do not fail to read the directions. If you do forget or decide to ignore them, at best, you may cause the machine to break down. At worst, you may find yourself and your machine in the living room when you actually intended to work on the driveway.

4 If you need to use any kind of grease on your project, do not fail to take off your shoes before entering the house. If you do forget, at best, you might only have one small piece on your shoe. At worst, you will have walked all the way through the snow-white living room before you notice your tracks and hear the sound of a gun being cocked.

3 If you intend to fix any plumbing, do not forget to turn off the water. If you do forget, at best, you will get a face full and be drenched before you go and turn it off. At worst, you will wish you had built an ark before beginning the work and are now watching your belongings wash down the street.

2 If your project includes electrical work, do not forget to turn off the electricity to the item you are working on. If you do forget, at best, you will cause some sparks and then go turn it off. At worst, you will cause an arc of electricity that will melt the tool you are using and permanently clear your sinus while providing you with a full-body hair removal treatment.

1 If you decide to dig in the yard to plant those big trees, do not forget to call the utilities to find out where all the lines are buried. If you do forget, at best, you may accidentally cut your neighbor’s cable, and they are a work-at-home IRS agent. At worst, you may cut more important lines and assume you survive you will be fighting the outage charges for the rest of your life.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

labor day.

This post ran on Labor Day 2015. I thought it was pretty good advice, so here it is again.

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In honor of Labor Day, I’ve decided to boil the top ten list down to the most important items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. Of course, the remembrance includes we authors.

Top Ten Things Not to do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day, have fun but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best, you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person, not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day, all.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Doctor

~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments
Unsplash image by Clay Banks

 

This post was originally run on August 15, 2014. I think it remains relevant today. Also, I’m at Story Empire today discussing Lewin’s Change Process if you care to pop over there too. Here’s the link.

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Here is the 60th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. The inspiration for this came from sitting in several doctor’s offices this week.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Doctor

10. If you visit a doctor, do not listen to your tunes with earphones while in the waiting room. If you do, at best, you will miss your name and have a few more hours wait. At worst, you will start humming one of your favorites and will be asked to wait in the hallway until your name is called.

9. If you are visiting a doctor, do not smile at the old lady sitting across from you even though she is smiling at you. If you do, at best, she will think you nuts since her smile will turn out to be gas. At worst, she will think you are being fresh and give you a nice whack with her cane.

8. If you are visiting a doctor, remember to turn off your cellphone. If you don’t, at best, you will get some annoying notifications. At worst, you will get a call from another doctor’s office wanting to discuss your last test results.

7. If you are visiting a doctor, do not touch anything in the office waiting room. If you do, at best, you will only catch a cold. At worst, you will be in line for the next case of Rona since the last case finished with the magazine you are reading now.

6. If you are visiting a doctor, do not attempt any doctor humor. If you do, at best, you will bomb like Henny Youngman at an NRA convention. At worst, you will keep wondering about not being able to feel your leg after the shot from the humorless one in charge.

5. If you are visiting a doctor, do not try to get in without paying your co-payment amount. If you do, at best, you will be called back to the front to the amusement of all the patients. At worst, you will meet the biggest medical technician who will hold you upside down until you pay up.

4. If you are visiting a doctor, do not go through any of the cabinets in the examination room. If you do, at best, you will see some unusual instruments that will make you want to leave immediately. At worst, the doctor will walk in just as you come across the samples of products designed to prevent sexually transmitted disease

3. If you are visiting a doctor, do not ask questions about the degrees posted on the walls. If you do, at best, you will find they don’t belong to your doctor. At worst, you will find out your doctor went to a rival school to yours and one known for its status as a party university.

2. If you are visiting a doctor, do not ask for samples of drugs. If you do, at best, you will be given a lecture about the evils of addiction. At worst, you will be escorted to the interrogation room of the local DEA office, where there will be difficult questions about what you know and when you knew it.

1. If you are visiting a doctor, do not forget to bring your medication list. If you forget, at best, your doctor will prescribe something similar to what you already take. At worst, your doctor will prescribe drugs that have contraindications to what you take, and you will be found tomorrow wandering naked in the middle of the street babbling something about the giant pink elephant.

Top Ten Questions You Should Never Answer

~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

 

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question_20mark

The inspiration for this list came from observing everyday life and watching others fall into a dark pit for no other reason than attempting to answer dangerous, politically incorrect, or impossible questions.

Top Ten Questions You Should Never Answer

10 If you are asked, “How do I look?” do not answer the question. If you do, at best, you only have a 50% chance of being right which is also a 50% chance of being wrong. At worst, the person who asked the question knows they look awful and now picks a fight with you for misleading them. (Your credibility is now null and void. Good luck with the comforting an old friend excuse.)

9 If you are asked, “Have you been drinking?” do not answer. If you do, at best, your answer will not be credible. At worst, if you do answer yes, you might have some explaining to do, and if you answer no, you better be telling the truth. (So what was it that made you trip over the footstool on your way to bed?)

8 If you are asked, “Where did this new car dent come from?” do not answer. If you do, at best, your “I don’t know” will require the need to relay your exact itinerary for the day. At worst, you will be forced to endure an agonizing lecture on how to park and drive a car to prevent it from being dented. ( Lesson one: Shopping carts are car magnets)

7 If you are asked, “Would you like to donate to an organization,” do not answer. If you do, at best, you will sound mean-spirited if you say no. At worst, those around you will consider your clothes and appearance before deciding you must be the winner of the cold heart person of the year award. (They will talk out loud while they deliberate)

6 If you are asked, “Would you mind watching our dog for a few hours?” do not answer. If you do, at best, your friendship will be made or lost on the answer. At worst, little Fido happens to have a rare spastic colon that, unfortunately for you, just decided to attack the poor thing in your white living room. (Which the owners totally forgot to mention.)

5 If you are asked, “Would you like that order supersized?” do not answer. If you do, at best, you will hate yourself either way. At worst, it will be a week or two before the supersized feeling has worked its way out of your mind and onto your body. (“No” is the hardest word.)

4 If you are asked, “What size do you wear?” do not answer. If you do, at best, your underestimate will be a laughable moment for the store personnel. At worst, the continued suggestion that you try a larger size will indicate how much you have been kidding yourself on the need for reform. (A terrible realization after all.)

3 If you are asked, “Is this seat taken?” do not answer. If you do, at best, a yes answer will eventually be proven wrong, making you a petty unsociable.  At worst, the person will decide to take the seat no matter what you say and will now consider you a nut case if you said yes. (If you said no, you have invited a company who will talk your ear off for the next ten stops.)

2 If you are asked, “Where are you from?” do not answer. If you do, at best, the person asking is from the same place, and you now have a new unwanted BFF. At worst, the new BFF decides to go through the list of possible people each of you knows, and you realize that it might be hours before the list is complete. (And because you answered the question, you are too polite to tell the person to bug off.)

1 If you are asked, “Would you like to go out?” do not answer without thinking. If you do and say yes, at best, you’ll need to follow through no matter how dim the prospect. At worst, you say no, and unbeknownst to you, the person asking is a certified psychopath who decided to stop taking the medication that has helped keep the aggressive tendencies in check. (You now have a spurned, non-medicated psychopath wanting to walk you home. Good luck with that.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Live in a Vacation Destination

~ John W. Howell ~ 84 Comments

Family vacation

Originally published on July 22, 2015, and was the first mention of Tiny.

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This list has been inspired by observing the interaction between vacationers and locals at some vacation destinations where I have found myself as a resident. Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do If You Live in a Vacation Destination

10 If you live in a vacation destination, do not honk your horn at the drivers who habitually go ten miles below the speed limit. If you do, at best, they will go even slower. At worst, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a very frustrated lost out-of-towner with a car full of kids and someone asking, “If we should have stopped and asked directions.” (And they might just have their semi-automatic weapon collection along for the ride.)

9 If you live in a vacation destination, do not put off grocery shopping until the end of the week. If you do, at best, you will be able to check out before your ice cream is liquefied. At worst, you will have spent three hours fighting out-of-towners for items on your list only to find you lost a majority of the battles. (And the last six-pack of beer went to an immense guy named Tiny. ( At least that’s what the tattoo you read on the fingers of his fist said before your lights went out.)

8 If you live in a vacation destination, do not drive your car downtown between Thursday and Sunday. If you do, at best, your round trip will be several hours. At worst, you will be forced to sleep overnight in your car since you parked in the only spot available only to find all the streets have been closed to traffic until dawn (And you didn’t bring a toothbrush)

7 If you live in a vacation destination, do not plan to have dinner out from May 30th until September 2nd. If you do, at best you will be disappointed with the quality and service. At worst, you will be served hours after your order and will receive a meal lower than fast food quality and priced like Michelin Four Star. (And you ran out of things to talk about an hour before.)

6 If you live in a vacation destination, do not look forward to a peaceful summer. If you do, at best, you will finally give up and stay inside. At worst, you will become known to the police as “that crank with no sense of humor.” (And even get a busy signal on a 911 call).

5 If you live in a vacation destination, do not think by being rude to the visitors, somehow they will never come back. If you do, at best, you will receive some rudeness in return. At worst, you may just be rude to the wrong person and end up looking like a raccoon. (Tough to explain as well)

4 If you live in a vacation destination, do not think everyone picks up after themselves. If you do, at best, you will become disillusioned quickly. At worst, you will find yourself explaining to the police why you are threatening out-of-towners with a litter pickup stick. (And they have their Tasers at the ready)

3 If you live in a vacation destination, do not even think of going to the Dairy Queen. If you do, at best, all your cones will look like shakes. At worst, your blood pressure will hit overdrive as you watch the two clerks try to handle one hundred customers. (And you wonder why management is surprised by a rush of business during vacation time)

2 If you live in a vacation destination, do not give anyone permission to park in your driveway just for a moment. If you do, at best, you will not be able to get out for a few hours. At worst, you will have the vacationers in your driveway for two weeks. (And the car is locked)

1 If you live in a vacation destination, do not casually mention the idea people should visit. If you, at best you will only get a few who will take you up on your “offer.” At worst, you will have a houseful of permanent residents, and you’ll be lucky if you even know them. (And they remind you of being out of beer.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Fair

~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments
Unsplash photo by John Matychuk

This post originally ran on July 13, 2015. It seemed like good advice then. If you haven’t read it, I hope you enjoy it.

Since it is summer, and there are many fairs and carnivals, I thought it would be a good idea to provide a list of things not to do if you plan on visiting one or more. The inspiration for this list is some fair visits and watching several people do what should not be done. Hope you enjoy

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Fair.

10 If you go to the fair and take a shuttle from the parking lot, do not start singing the Trolley Song from Meet me in St Louis. If you do, at best, the crowd will groan at the cliché.  At worst, you will forget the words beyond “clang clang clang went the trolley” and look like an idiot. (Hint its “ding ding ding went the bell”)

9 If you go to the fair, do not put your kids on leashes as if they were pets. If you do, at best, you will find folks tripping over the lines. At worst, the kids may decide to play as dogs and lift a leg at an inopportune time.

8 If you go to the fair, do not walk around while stuffing your face with fair goodies. If you do, at best, you might not notice the ketchup running down your arm and alarm others who think you’ve been wounded. At worst, you’ll resemble some of the exhibits in the swine barn. (The plus side you might win a ribbon)

7 If you go to the fair, do not fall for the deep-fried novelties booth. If you do, at best, you will hate yourself in the morning. At worst, you will jeopardize your expensive dental work on the deep-fried Snickers bar. (On second thought, it might be worth it)

6 If you go to the fair, do not pay money to have someone guess your weight. If you do, at best, even if the guesser is wrong, the world now knows how much you weigh. At worst, the guesser will get your weight exactly right and, unfortunately, will announce to the crowd that he wasn’t sure, so he added ten pounds to his guess. (And you did not get a Cupie doll)

5 If you go to the fair, do not ride the ride where everyone is screaming. If you do, at best, you will get a sore throat from your own screaming. At worst, you will make a complete fool out of yourself, crying and begging the operator to let you off. (And this is before the ride starts)

4 If you go to the fair, do not think the house of fun is fun. If you do, at best you will be surprised at all the screaming and find it is you. At worst, you will have trouble holding onto that 32-ounce big gulp you just finished. (And it’s not the cup we are talking about)

3 If you go to the fair, do not think you will win many stuffed animals at the midway. If you do, at best, you will finally figure out the games are not winnable by ordinary people. At worst, you will spend way more than the value of the animal you eventually win. (Of course, you can always keep trying and  invest enough that you could have used to buy a car)

2 If you go to the fair, do not announce how stinky you think the barns smell in a loud voice. If you do, at best, you might get a few frowns. At worst, you might be invited outside for a chat by Daniel Yoder, the national tractor throwing champ. (He will want to find out what part of cow poop you don’t like)

1 If you go to the fair and hear the word “stampede,” do not stand there and wonder what it means. If you do, at best, the herd will take the next aisle. At worst, you will be faced with a bunch of panicked cows or horses who will be more than happy to continue the same course whether you are in the way or not. (Those hooves are hard)

Top Ten Things Not to do at a School Reunion

~ John W. Howell ~ 95 Comments
Unsplash photo by Baim Hanif

 

This post was originally run on July 6th, 2015. Since several reunions are going on this summer, I thought you would enjoy it again.

 

Top Ten Things Not to do at a School Reunion

10 If you attend a school reunion, do not pose for photos that you don’t know where they will be published. If you do at best, the photos will only be traded among classmates. At worst, they will end up on the “what the not to wear, eat, or drink” website. (Which will go viral, and you’ll be getting calls from the Today show to appear on their segment called EXCESS)

9 If you attend a school reunion, do not pretend to be what you are not. If you do, at best, your little fib will be seen as a joke. At worst, your profile on the class newsletter will be featured under the title Most Successful Grad. (Which will be picked up by the news services and published by your hometown newspaper. It does make your job cooking fast food burgers seem more important, though.)

8 If you attend a school reunion, do not bring a date that you do not know simply because they are beautiful. If you do, at best, your charade will be found out early with no consequences. At worst, your date will discover the true reason you brought them and make an exit and a scene remembered for the next five reunions. (Only you passing away will halt the storytelling)

7 If you attend a school reunion, do not rent an expensive car for your grand entrance. If you do, at best, you will look overly anxious to impress and get the opposite reaction. At worst, the valet will take your rental car for a spin and inadvertently leave the side chrome on the street, fleeing a hit-and-run accident. (Which you will easily be able to explain to the judge)

6 If you attend a school reunion, do not try to hide the fact that you don’t remember everyone’s name. If you do, at best, you will look like a fool trying to check name tags without being caught. At worst, you will call someone by a different name, and the name will be associated by that person to an old flame or rival. (You will have a bunch of points on that one)

5 If you attend a school reunion, do not take this time to argue fine points about your grades with your old teachers. If you do, at best, the teachers will wish they had flunked you. At worst, one of them may remember you failed to turn in that assignment in the eleventh grade that will require you to repeat the course and nullify your high school diploma. (Try explaining that to your boss)

4 If you attend a school reunion, do not think your old flame wants to begin where you left off just by smiling at you. If you do, at best, you will be embarrassed to learn they are happily married. At worst, you will be a little too forward thinking all is forgiven. The icing on the cake will be you arrested as you leave the building for assault. ( Gotta remember no means no)

3 If you attend a school reunion, do not assume the free drinks at the bar carry no consequences. If you do, at best, you may exhibit a little tipsiness that everyone will think is cute. At worst, you will have the honor and resulting infamy of passing out on top of the Congratulations Class cake. (The clothes you’re wearing belong to your roommate as well.)

2 If you go to a school reunion, do not offer to be part of the planning committee for the next one. If you do, at best everyone will forget your offer. At worst, you will be appointed chairperson with all the rights and responsibilities to make the next one the best ever. (You will also want to get a Xanax prescription)

1 If you go to a school reunion, do not tell everyone you meet that “we must get together.” If you do at best, they will all wonder if you are having a breakdown. At worst, the ones you least want to see will stay in touch long enough to cop a free overnight on their way through your town. (Plus, they have some kind of foot infection that requires you to burn your sheets when they leave)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Taking Family Photos

~ John W. Howell ~ 97 Comments

 

Photo of a camera
Unsplash photo by Jeff Cortez

This post was originally run on March 30, 2015. I hope you enjoy it again or if you haven’t seen it, I hope you enjoy it now. Summertime is photo time. Also, I am at Story Empire today talking about writing motivation killers. Please join me if you wish. Here’s the link. Do come back though.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Taking Family Photos

10 If you are taking family photos, do not forget the background. If you do, at best, you might have a stray person in the shot. At worst, you may have the perfect family park photo with a lovely backdrop of the trash receptacle or incontinent dog.

9 If you are taking family photos, do not ignore what each person has in their hand. If you do, at best, you’ll take photos that catch a bunch of red Solos. At worse, you may get a fine shot of everyone with red Solos as well as Uncle Jeff and his smoked turkey leg. (Uncle Jeff looks like he has escaped from a quiet care facility)

8 If you are taking family photos, do not let anyone pose without a shirt. If you do, at best, you have to hope your family is well toned. At worst, you will have photos of family members who resemble a gathering of a Yeti clan or a convention of the Michelin Man actor’s league. (That underarm is a classic.)

7 If you are taking family photos, do not let the camera shake. If you do, at best, your photos will be blurry. At worst, the photos will make your family appear as if they are having severe withdrawal from controlled substances. (The DEA is very interested in these photos)

6 If you are taking family photos, tell a joke and don’t just command everyone to smile. If you do, at best, your family will look artificial in appearance. At worst, you will have captured what will be interpreted by outsiders as living proof zombies exist. (Why didn’t aunt Mary bring her teeth today?)

5 If you are taking family photos, do not take this occasion to introduce some creative photo techniques you have always wanted to try. If you do, at best, your family will not understand what you have done. At worst, you will have created a set of photos that your family will insist be burned in front of them along with the memory stick, which they will destroy in front of you.(You made them look like America’s Most Wanted.)

4 If you are taking family photos, do not try to take photos late into the party. If you do, at best everyone will appear tired in the pictures. At worst, you will find it more difficult to get pictures without tongues sticking out and two fingers behind every head. (Where did that side tongue thingy come from anyway?)

3 If you are taking family photos, do not pose members in an unflattering way. If you do, at best, you might hurt some feelings. At worst, Aunt Malva and Uncle George will seek an injunction to have the photos kept from public view. Especially that one where they are comparing the size of their bellies. ( That photo is one step up from Uncle Joe’s moon.)

2 If you are taking family photos, do not over-serve yourself. If you do, at best you will take some pictures that aren’t useable. At worst, you will capture some subjects in unusual poses which you think are fine, but the subjects want to figure a way to eliminate you for having them in your possession. (That selfie of a close-up of your nose is a classic.)

1 If you are taking family photos, do not keep everyone waiting while setting the camera and the lights and the self-timer.  If you do, at best, your photo will show some of the tension. At worst, you‘ll have a photo where it appears someone has just opened a large container of Limburger cheese. (I think their faces are stuck that way.)