This list was published on January 6th, 2015. It looks like nothing has changed in seven years, so I hope you enjoy it.

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This list was inspired by standing in line at Wal-Mart to return a screwdriver that broke. I know. Why would I buy a screwdriver at Wal-Mart? Long story. Let’s just say it was an emergency purchase that did not go well. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to do in Customer Service.

10 If you are next at the customer service desk, do not fall asleep. If you do, at best, you will get yelled at by the crowd. At worst, you will not hear the word “Next” and will be knocked off your feet by the person behind you. This could lead to a severe injury. ) Or even worse when you fall on your returns which are glass Christmas ornaments)

9 If you are at the customer service desk, have your receipt ready. If you don’t, at best, you will take precious time to find it causing your linemates to want to kill you with their bare hands. At worst, the time it takes to find the receipt will be multiplied exponentially for the last person in line. (You do raise the possibility that they might just pass away from old age before getting to the front of the line)

8 If you are in line at customer service, do not sigh loudly when the person in front of you does not have a receipt. If you do, at best, you may get some evil looks and bad words. At worst, the person in front of you will take exception to your sigh. (You may have to defend your audacity with real knuckles)

7 If you are at the customer service desk and have lost your receipt, do not try to talk the clerk into a refund. If you do, at best, you will waste your and everyone else’s time. At worst, you might just be in the presence of a classical professor from the local college. (He just might figure out how to have you towed by your feet around the city much like Achilles dragged Hector around Troy)

6 If you are in line at customer service, do not believe you will get to the desk quickly. If you do, at best, you will cause your blood pressure to rise. At worst, you will initiate internal tension that could culminate in a rampage through the store, undoubtedly leading to your arrest. ( If not mandatory treatment in the local state mental hospital )

5 If you plan to go to customer service, do not finish that Big 32 oz cup of soda before arriving. If you do, at best, you will be mildly uncomfortable as the line creeps along. At worst, you will have a full-out emergency and will be unsuccessful in having someone hold your place. (You now have a choice to lose your place in line or gross out the entire store )

4 If you are in the customer service line and feel faint, do not fall down and try to remain in place. If you do fall down, at best, you will lose your place in line. At worst, you will lie in the store unnoticed by store personnel until closing time. ( Of course, all the patrons who pass your comatose body will secretly be grateful to you for dropping out of line and making their wait shorter )

3 If you are at the end of the line at customer service, do not look to the front to figure out how long the wait will be. If you do, at best, you will calculate the delay to be more time than you thought. At worst, when you divide the amount of transaction time by the number of available hours, the result will be more hours than the store is open. (This will cause a feeling of panic, which has at its root the fact that you traveled fifteen miles out of your way getting here and you are supposed to be somewhere else )

2 If you finally get to the front of the line at customer service, do not try to explain anything to the clerk. If you do, at best, you will waste time by missing the critical questions on whether the item is damaged and would you like the refund in cash or on the card? At worst, you will tell the clerk enough to give away the fact that the item was a gift and that the receipt is actually a forgery that was produced by your uncle while currently serving time in the federal penitentiary for making phony hundred-dollar bills. (It is an excellent  forgery, though)

1 Once you have finished with the customer service clerk, do not take the time with idle chit-chat. If you do, at best, you will have the clerk yelling, “I can help the next customer here,” over your attempt to be friendly. At worst, you might just cause a swell behind you of those wanting you to move, which might lead to several older people being pushed down. (Those folks are incapable of getting up because their Life Alert is out of batteries, and they were in line for a rain check for the battery special, which now looks like it may expire too.)

I am at Story Empire today talking about goals. Go HERE if you are curious.

 

One thing not to do is mess up a schedule for a post that was supposed to run two days after Christmas. You may have noticed that I scheduled the Top Ten post by mistake, and it ran yesterday. Sadly this kind of thing throws everyone off. I do apologize.

Rather than pull it down, I decided to let it run and explain it today. If you missed it, here is a link. Top Ten Link

 

 

 

This post originally ran on December 22, 2014. I think it still might give you a smile today.

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This list is inspired by the holiday season and is a result of watching the behavior of folks as we get nearer to the final day. As with all my lists, there is not much redeeming value here but are designed to (maybe) get a smile. Also, some of these items may seem contrary to the spirit of the season, but I can assure you they are.

Top Ten Things Not to do During the Holiday Season.

10 During the holidays, do not invite strangers to your home even if the spirit moves you. If you do, at best, you may have an awkward moment or two. At worst, you might just wonder what happened to the house full of furniture which was there when you went off to church. (You wanted to redecorate anyway, right?)

9 During the holidays, do not accidentally drop more money than you intended into the Salvation Army kettle. If you do, at best, you will have given to a worthy cause. At worst, you will have to explain to the family about the lack of presents due to your generosity somewhere else. (Yeah, they will understand.)

8 During the holidays, do not think you have to buy everyone you know a gift. If you do, at best, you will undoubtedly earn the cheerful giver award. At worst, you may create an identity crisis with those who did not buy a gift for you, causing them to rush out and get you something, or even worse, re-gift the gift you gave them last year. (You thought that tie looked familiar)

7 During the holidays, always remind yourself that self-medication is not a wise thing during times of stress. If you don’t, at best, you will get off easy with a nip of egg nog. At worst, you will find yourself saying some of the dumbest things to those you barely know and what you think are the most brilliant things to those who no longer call you friends. ( You learned to never mention hair color under any circumstances)

6 During the holidays, do not put off your shopping to ‘get into the season.” If you do, At best, you may have to pay more for items that are in short supply. At worst, all the gifts you were going to buy are no longer in stock, so you will have to make last-minute substitutions that will be second-rate and not at all what anyone can remotely appreciate. (Gas station beef jerky, for example)

5 During the holidays, do not touch anything outside your home. If you do, at best, you will come down with a cold from a germ left on that innocent door handle. At worst, you will be quarantined by the CDC because whatever you picked up is not currently identified and is assumed to result from a terrorist attack. The upside here is the CDC has a lovely assortment of Christmas carol CDs that they are happy to play repeatedly. (Never knew Santa Claus is Coming to Town was recorded by 250 artists, did you?)

4 During the holidays, do not think you can pick up that holiday turkey on your way home on Christmas eve. If you do, at best only the twenty-five pounders will be available. At worst, the only thing left in the meat department is a package of Hog Maw leftover either from Thanksgiving or the butcher’s hunting trip. (You’ll never convince the family that hog maw and beans tastes like turkey.)

3 During the holidays, do not think you need to have an old-fashioned Christmas by subjecting your neighbors to your family’s off-key carols. If you do, at best, you will get polite smiles and some hot chocolate. At worst, you and the family will need to run for your lives as the neighbor yells, “Don’t worry. Bruno already ate.” (Man, that dog is big.)

2 During the holidays, do not try to attend every event. If you do, at best, you will be sleep-deprived and will have lost the spirit of the season. At worst, you will need to consume copious amounts of caffeine, which will lead to an unnerving appearance that might cause holiday revelers to actually believe the story of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” (Or even worse, think the Christmas tale of the Zombie is real.)

1 During the holidays, do not despair over small things that you forgot. If you do, at best, things will seem worse as a result. At worst, your family will undoubtedly be forced to look forward to the coming of spring when the state promises to review your case again. (A gas station hold-up is never the answer.)

 

This list was originally posted on December 7th, 2015. Except for the fact that eighty-plus years have witnessed the holidays, all else seems relevant. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list is inspired by watching seventy-plus Holidays come with mixed results on gifting, both giving and receiving.

Top Ten Things Not to Give as a Present This Year

10 This year, do not give anyone a fruitcake. If you do, at best, it will find its way into the city recycling center. At worst, it will come back to you next year just a little bit harder than when last gifted. (Sure, it looked good in the catalog, didn’t it?

9 This year, do not give anything that has “as seen on TV” printed on the package. If you do, at best, the recipient will know you shopped in the drugstore. At worst, the gadget will be responsible for taking out the recipient’s electrical system. (You didn’t get that recall notice, did you?)

8 This year, do not give Scandinavian cookies in a metal tin. If you do, at best, the made in USA label will give away the lack of an imported gift. At worst, the cookies will taste like overpriced Little Debbie vanilla wafers. (How’s that stuck to the roof of the mouth feeling working out for your recipient?)

7 This year, do not give frozen mail-order steaks. If you do, at best, the steaks will be received by a vegan. At worst, the steaks will arrive in time to sit on the porch between Christmas and New Year while your recipient is skiing in Telluride. (They never said they were going out-of-town, did they?)

6 This year, do not give fruit gifts. If you do, at best, whatever you choose is hated by 75% of the people in the recipient’s household. At worst, the gift you select arrives during the worst snowstorm in one hundred years and won’t show up until spring. (Man, those pears sure didn’t freeze well, did they?)

5 This year, do not give personal grooming devices. If you do, at best, the recipient will wonder your intent. At worst, you may get a call from the recipient’s lawyer talking generalities about severe damage to very personal areas. (The ad said it was perfectly safe, and you believed it, right?)

4 This year, do not give a box of chocolate-covered cherries. If you do, at best, they will cause the recipient to choke on the first and throw the rest away. At worst, the recipient will be so depressed by the lack of thought the entire box will be eaten, and the recipient is admitted to the ER with symptoms of a glucose overdose. (It seemed like a good idea while you were getting your prescription filled. Didn’t it?)

3 This year, do not give a discount coupon for a day spa visit. At best, you will broadcast how cheap you are. At worst, the day spa is running discounts because their service sucks. (Can you say toe fungus without cringing?)

2 This year, do not give anything that is designed to be worn under clothes. If you do, at best, you will raise a question regarding the need. At worst, the size will be all wrong, and it won’t matter if you choose too small or too large the result will be the same. (Did you have a few drinks at that trunk show, or are you just an idiot?)

1 This year, do not give anything you bought on an impulse just to have a gift to give. If you do, at best, you will have difficulty explaining why that particular gift. At worst, you will probably overspend for something that has no thought behind it. (That will be your payback for procrastinating your search for a gift.)

This post originally ran on November 10th, 2014. it was in response to having an engine light come on in my car. It looks to be relevant today, so here goes.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Engine Light Comes On.

10 If your engine light comes on, do not panic. If you do, at best, you may make things worse by being rattled. At worst, you may pull off the road in a panicked state, keep rolling past the shoulder into a culvert below. (Now you have a mess of lights to deal with, Bud including the state police.)

9 If your engine light comes on, do not consult your owner’s manual until you come to a stop. If you do, at best, you won’t find the section inconspicuously marked “Warning Indicator – Engine,” and you’ll have to stop anyway. At worst, you will be concentrating on using the index to find the subject matter and inadvertently run into the stopped care in front of you. ( In any case, the index and manual will be of no help.)

8 If your engine light comes on, do not try to ignore it. If you do, at best, you will be continually reminded that something is wrong. At worst, your engine light bulb will burn out, and you will think the trouble has magically cleared up until you hear the rending screech of metal marking the final moments of the life of your engine. (Yeah, five quarts of oil in the drive is a lot.)

7 If your engine light comes on, do not think this is a normal function of the car’s systems. If you do, at best, you will only have a minor additional repair. At worst, you may be saying goodbye to your trusty car as you watch it disappear into the local u-pull-it parts depot. (With the added insult that the tow truck fee was more significant than the salvage payment.)

6 If your engine light comes on, do not attempt to diagnose the problem yourself. If you do, at best, you may end up at the mechanic since you couldn’t find the problem. At worst, you may have misdiagnosed the situation and be happily motoring along in a remote area as you see the light again, followed by billowing clouds of smoke. (This is after passing the last gas station for one hundred miles sign, fifty miles ago.)

5 If your engine light comes on, do not think it is an excellent accompaniment to the soft romantic music on the radio. If you do, at best, you may not be able to start your car someday. At worst, you could be seeing the beginning of the end of the soft music and your car. (Funny, you never heard that strange noise before.)

4 If your engine light comes on, do not pretend it doesn’t bother you. If you do, at best, you will have unsettled moments until you come to grips with the fact there is trouble. At worst, the light will trigger long-suppressed anxieties, which could cause a significant episode requiring hours of psychological help. (This help will make the repair bill on the car look cheap.)

3 If your engine light comes on, do not think your car is irreparably damaged. If you do, at best, you will lose confidence in its reliability. At worst, you will take unreasonable steps to get rid of the car, which could lead to significant loss of funds and peace of mind. (Thinking you could shove it off a cliff might lead to being cited by the state police for littering.)

2 If your engine light comes on, do not suggest to your spouse that you swap cars for a while. If you do, at best, your spouse will have to deal with the issue. At worst, the problem is so acute your spouse breaks down on the freeway, and a gang of carjackers comes along, strip, and burns your car. (In addition, your spouse thinks the lawless lifestyle looks pretty romantic and joins their crew and now sports a “Mess with the best, die like the rest” tattoo on the back.)

1 If your engine light comes on, do not drive the car to any place but the mechanic. If you do, at best, you may have a small repair bill which could get bigger. At worst, the problem will continue to get bigger until you are no longer controlling your car. (You will become its servant with all the negative attention related to the title.)

 

This post originally ran on October 26th, 2015. Since we all have been through some storms this year, I thought it would still provide a chuckle.

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The inspiration for this list is a recent three-day storm here in Texas. Although I had enough sense not to do these things, they did come to mind as I was going through various circumstances.

Top Ten Things Not to do During a Storm

10 If you are in a storm, do not decide to drive around to check out the damage. If you do, at best, you may find yourself stranded by high water. At worst, you might be trying to explain to the grumpy-looking national guardsman why you didn’t heed the warnings to stay inside. (You have to wonder if that rifle has real bullets)

9 If you are in a storm, do not call the electric company to report a power outage. If you do, at best, you will be on hold for hours. At worst, you will be reminded that the entire grid is down and then asked some embarrassing questions designed to point out that it is dark all around you. (Never thought to look out the window, huh?)

8 If you are in a storm, do not rush your grocery store for a month’s worth of food and water. If you do, at best, you will be in the company of your hysterical neighbors. At worst, you will find yourself in a primal fight over a roll of toilet tissue with Shultz, the county cow tossing champion. (And you almost wrestled it away before you blacked out)

7 If you are in a storm, do not ignore the weather warnings. If you do, at best, you might be surprised at how fast things come at you. At worst, you might be challenged to swim for safety with only a duckie ring as a flotation device. (And you read on the duckie that it is not to be used as a flotation device. What’s that hissing sound?)

6 If you are in a storm, do not try to move through the darkened house without a flashlight. If you do, at best, your shins will take a beating on the furniture. At worst, that candle you lit will somehow fall into the pile of newspapers you left in the living room last night. (And guess how long it will take the fire department to reach you?)

5 If you are in a storm, do not keep driving in the heavy rain. If you do, at best, you will stress out to the maximum. At worst, your car might be invisible to that giant 18 wheeler behind you with the devil himself at the wheel. (It must be the devil given the recklessness of the driving)

4 If you are in a storm, do not think all your emergency gear takes the place of common sense. If you do, at best, the gear may not fully perform. At worst, you will think you will be able to ride out the storm only to change your mind two minutes after it is too late. (Don’t worry about trying to Google it. That wall of water is called a Tsunami)

3 If you are in a storm, do not think you need to go outside to fix something in the middle of wind and downpour. If you do, at best you will get very wet. At worst, you could find yourself being carried away in the company of your neighbor’s swing set. (You might be able to turn around in a mile or so.)

2 If you are in a storm, do not think a quick dash to the mailbox doesn’t require wet weather outer gear. If you do, at best, you will need a bath and hot cocoa to thaw out. At worst, the chill you received on the jaunt turns into something that keeps you in bed for a week. (And what you are doing cannot be remotely described as enjoying yourself.)

1 If you are in a storm, do not think you have to brave the elements to get to work. If you do, at best, you will show up, and no one else will be there. At worst, you will have battled the storm for hours, and once you get there, all questions about your judgment skills will be answered. (And you thought you were indispensable)

This list was originally posted on October 18th, 2015. I think I might still be helpful.

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This list is inspired by going through some boxes recently and coming across some unusual things. Of course, most of what follows is made up, so I didn’t have these experiences. I would ask the Wall Street Journal to fact-check entirely before using this story.

Top Ten Things Not to do with Stuff You Find

10 If you find an unopened box, don’t open it. If you do, at best, you might find someone’s old toss-outs or laundry. At worst, you may find the remains of last year’s Thanksgiving dinner that was supposed to be thrown out. (You still can’t get the image out of your brain)

9 If you find a lawnmower at the side of the road, do not pick it up. If you do, at best, you will find out why it was thrown away. At worst, you will put it in a garage sale only to have the original owner accuse you of theft. (How he knew it was his is anyone’s guess)

8 If you find a lamp that has washed up on the beach, do not rub it. If you do, at best, it will turn out to be made in China. At worst, you will be given three wishes by a fierce-looking genie, and you won’t get it right. (You thought you would be clever when you asked for a million bucks and now have a deer-feed bill that won’t quit)

7 If you find what you think is a treasure chest in your backyard, leave it where it is. If you don’t, at best, you will find it full of smelly dirt. At worst, it will have things inside carrying a Blackbeard curse. (Go ahead and try to spend those doubloons before your hand falls off)

6 If you find what looks like a bomb in your garage, run away. If you don’t, at best, it is only a handmade school project. At worst, old man Jones finally made good on his threat to” blow you to kingdom come.” (Suddenly you remember he used to work for a demolition company)

5 If you find a set of golf clubs at a garage sale, don’t buy ’em. If you do, at best, you will find they weren’t worth what you paid for them, even if it was only a dollar. At worst, once you take up the game, you will find out why they were for sale in the first place. (How’s that high blood pressure medicine working for you?)

4 If you find a washer on the curb of your neighborhood, leave it there. If you don’t, at best, you will only be successful in relocating it to your curb. At worst, you will spend the time and trouble to hook it up only to find the spin, and the empty cycle doesn’t work.  (Soaking wet clothes weigh a ton. Right?)

3 If you find a strange object with colored lights in the woods behind your house, call the police. If you don’t, at best, it is only your neighbor testing the outdoor Christmas tree lights. At worst, you will be asked to join the expedition to a funny place where they will run experiments on you and then send you back. (You say no one believes your story? Really?)

2 If you find a note on the kitchen table, pretend not to see it. If you don’t, at best, it is an old shopping list. At worst, it is a goodbye note with the name of a lawyer at the bottom who is now your only contact. (And you thought being nice was something you didn’t have to do)

1 If you find a large, five-toed animal footprint in the yard, call animal control. If you don’t, at best, it is nothing but the neighbor’s new dog. At worst, it is the long-lost Yeti-like drooling, smelly, hairy thing that is now taking up residence in your shed and suddenly has a thing for you. (Just smile, and maybe it will go away).

This post was originally run on September 29th 2014. Still bears paying attention to today. I hope you like it.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

This list has as inspiration a mishap in the kitchen resulting from not being fully engaged in the process. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are cooking dinner, do not walk away from that pot of water that refuses to boil. If you do, at best, you will return to find a steam-filled kitchen. At worst, you will return to a completely dry pot in the basement through the giant hole in the floor and the volunteer fire department captain writing up the citation.

9 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to edit your novel at the same time. If you do, at best, you may find the word asparagus in your final proof. At worst, you will not find the word asparagus in the final proof and will have to live with “She reached for him and could feel his asparagus responding to her advance.”

8 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to watch the big game while measuring out the ingredients. If you do, at best, you will only miss a few spices. At worst, you will get teaspoons and yards confused and find your recipe expanded to enough servings for twenty.

7 If you are cooking dinner, do not accept help even if asked. If you do, at best, the person helping will alter your recipe to their desire, but it will work out. At worst, the person helping will leave out key ingredients or add something that doesn’t belong, and instead of your triumph dish, you will be serving a new form of dog food.

6 If you are cooking dinner, do not ask people what they would like. If you do, at best, you will only get a couple of different requests and can make an executive decision which to ignore. At worst, you will have such diverse opinions you will finally give up and throw everyone into the car for a drive-through visit.

5 If you are cooking dinner, do not decide you know the recipe by heart. If you do, at best, the result will be close to what it is supposed to be. At worst, you will produce what will be known for eternity as “that crap that was supposed to be a lasagna.”

4 If you are cooking dinner, do not think everyone likes spicy food. If you do, at best, you will only have a couple of people who seem too weak to eat. At worst, you will be alternating between running for water to quell the burning and giving heart palpitations to bring back those affected.

3 If you are cooking dinner, do not think everyone on the planet will enjoy your special meal made from stuffed goat intestines. If you do, at best the evening will end early. At worst, you will cause several of your guests to run screaming for their lives, fighting the gag response never to return.

2 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to pass off a Stouffers Mac and Cheese, which was in the freezer as homemade. If you do, at best, your family might not notice. At worst, the family will expect the same quality the next time, and you’ll be stuck with your dirty little secret, which will be found out sooner or later.

1 If you are cooking dinner, do not sample the food or wine to any significant degree. If you do, at best, you will be tired of the meal before serving. At worst, you will not outlast the preparation and wonder how the dinner went without you or the meal the next day.