This list was originally posted on February 2nd, 2015. Although the Superbowl is two weeks away, maybe it will resonate after yesterday’s NFL playoffs.

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This list was inspired by years and years of attempting to burn a candle at both ends. This list could be much longer, but a cutoff had to be made somewhere. Also, since this is the Monday after the Super Bowl, maybe there is some advice you can use. I hope you enjoy it.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do with a Hangover

10 If you have a hangover, do not attempt to cover the fact by talking too much. If you do, at best, you will have erased any doubt as to your condition. At worst, your mouth will run off and leave your sodden brain back in the pain pit, and the brain will only catch up when it detects the words “will you please shut up.” (Much too late, I might add.)

9 If you have a hangover, do not try to step out of your typical passive role at the morning staff meeting. If you do, at best, you will scare everyone with your slurred and totally irrelevant comments. At worst, you might disagree with the boss and insist on your point, which has the effect of capitalizing on the death wish you have had ever since you bade farewell to the ceramic microphone at 3:00 AM this morning. (The sounds still ring in the ears.)

8 If you have a hangover, do not operate heavy machinery. If you do, at best, you may find yourself in a position of greatly apologizing for denting a car or building. At worst, you will have several people lining up in HR asking how their flattened vehicles will be replaced and several executives asking you for the keys to the equipment and your lawyer’s name. (I get that the brake and gas looked the same.)

7 If you have a hangover, do not write any notes to anyone explaining your actions last night. If you do, at best, you might feel better in confessing your sins. At worst, you will have given several people written confirmation as to why they need to avoid or punch you. (At least you have friends in low places.)

6 If you have a hangover, do not show up to teach your fifth-grade class. If you do, at best, you might make it to lunch without a complaint to the principal. At worst, you will be driven to the point where the EMS crew and police will attempt to talk you down from the roof of the school where unbeknownst to your conscious self, you have been screaming threats against Congress and the President. (hard to blame you for that.)

5 If you have a hangover, do not report to your airline pilot job. If you do, at best, you might forget something minor but survive anyway. At worst, you will discover a little too late you forgot to check the fuel level, and your attention is drawn to the bright blinking light on the control panel that has the words “Fuel Starvation” clearly embossed on it. (It means there is no more.)

4 If you have a hangover, do not go ahead with that brain surgery you are supposed to conduct today. If you do, at best, your attention will be on your own brain, and you will find it difficult to concentrate. At worst, you will think all is well right up to the point you close up the procedure only to discover the parts leftover that you can’t explain. (Unlike a bicycle kit, there are no extra parts in the brain.)

3 If you have a hangover, do not go to the grocery store to do your shopping for the week. If you do, at best, you will forget more items than you remember to buy. At worst, you will finally have had it with the cashier who asks you each week, “If you have found everything okay?” The fact that if you say no, she will not do anything about it has you treading on the conveyor shouting for the rest of the shoppers to lay down their groceries to join the revolution. (Incidentally, you don’t see the cautious community support officer in the corner calling 9-1-1.)

2 If you have a hangover, do not take your carpool duty today. If you do, at best, you will drop the kids and adjourn to the local bar for some hair of the dog, only leading to more trouble later. At worst, your driving will permanently imprint terror on the poor innocents in the car which they will suppress. (But go through life wondering why they never got a driver’s license.)

1 If you have a hangover, do not think you will be as effective in your writing as you usually are. If you do, at best, you might just produce a day’s work that would make great kindling for the evening fire. At worst, you may think you have a breakthrough on your writer’s block only to find you have included the words “Daddy’s Home” over two thousand times in your manuscript. (You can thank Thr Shining for that.)

 

This list was originally posted on August 18th, 2014. The inspiration came from standing in lines. I don’t think lines have gone out of style, so it may still be helpful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Find Yourself Waiting Your Turn

 

10 If you are in line at a ferry, do not turn off your car. If you do, at best the minute you do, the line will start moving. At worst, your car won’t start, and the friendly folks behind you will figure out a way to heave your vehicle over the side of the access terminal into thirty feet of water. (I don’t think detailing is going to get those water spots out of the upholstery)

9. If you are in line at the pharmacy, do not try to eavesdrop on the confidential medical briefing of the person in front of you. If you do, at best, you may hear something that your ears won’t forgive. At worst, the store will hit you with a HIPPA violation and send you to the back of the line again. (Those dosage instructions just weren’t all that interesting.)

8. If you are in line at the ten items or less express checkout at the supermarket, do not comment on the twenty items the person ahead of you has just laid on the counter. If you do, at best, you will hear the old excuse, “Oh, I didn’t notice that this was ten items or less.” At worst, you will be savagely attacked by a seemingly quiet, unassuming person who (unbeknownst to you ) was just released from a psychiatric hospital due to the lack of funding. (It seems he has a problem with questions.)

7. If you are in line at a movie theatre, do not groan loudly when the person in front of you wants to know the movie’s rating. If you do, At best, you will need to suffer through other questions like, “How long does it run?” At worst, you will be faced with the spouse of the person in front of you wondering what your problem is and asking you kindly to cut them some slack. (The closed fist speaks pretty loudly)

6. If you are in line at a convenience store, do not make any comments about a person in front of you who wants to pick out a specific scratch-off Lotto ticket but can’t make up their mind. If you do, at best, you may have to try to logically explain your problem when asked. At worst, you will need to apologize for your impatience when you learn that the ticket is being purchased as a 60th wedding anniversary present. (Now you are unromantic as well.)

5. If you are in line at the bank, do not prompt the half-asleep person standing in front of you behind the wait here line that a teller is open. If you do, at best, a person may pop awake and think you are being fresh. At worst, the person will take offense since they were not paying attention and ask you something about “Where’s the fire?” (They also invite you to help ask the teller for all the money in the drawer.)

4. If you are in line at the doctor’s office, do not complain to the receptionist about how valuable you consider your time. If you do, At best, you will be waiting twice as long since the receptionist just had an argument with the doctor about how little she makes. At worst, the receptionist will somehow lose your place, and you will still be there when the doctor and the receptionist leave for the night. (They don’t dare to ask you to come back tomorrow.)

3. If you are waiting to be served at one of the hottest bars in town, do not wave at the bartender. If you do, at best, he will simply wave back and wait on others. At worst, the bartender will finally give you the old “What’ll you have.” He then tells you they don’t have it, and maybe they will across the street. (I think he has had it with folks who wave.)

2. If you are waiting to be seated in a trendy restaurant, do not think you will be seated without tipping the Matre D. If you do, At best, you will finally have to break down and either tip or go elsewhere. At worst, you will get a seat in the bar just as they are starting the fastest cigar smoker contest and there are twenty-four contestants all lighting up simultaneously. (You initially thought you wanted the smoked trout. Might want to change that.)

1. If you find yourself waiting in line at Starbucks, do not try to cut the line. If you do, at best, you will be chastised by the barista. At worst, your double decaf, soy, low foam latte will have a taste resembling something familiar but just not easily identified. (Do ask what that flavor is right now.)

 

This post was published on January 12, 2015. I think it still has merit. A little warning. If you plan to reblog this without reading it, be careful. This is a humorous look at Amazon reviews and not intended as an instructional piece. (Whew, glad I got that off my chest.) I hope you enjoy this one.

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This week’s list was inspired by reading some Amazon reviews recently. As writers, we always think of Amazon reviews in terms of books. There is a whole other world out there, so this includes different categories as well as books. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to do When Writing an Amazon Review

10 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to use words no one understands. If you do, at best, your review will remain unread and a waste of your time. At worst, you will garner several WTF comments and will be notorious for your high-handed and unnecessary use of the language. ( You, sir, are no William F. Buckley)

9 When writing an Amazon review, do not review a product or book you haven’t tried or read. If you do, at best, your review will look like the others you copied and will be ignored. At worse, you might be forced to analyze what it is inside of you that compels you to seek to be noticed through such a platform as Amazon reviews. (Why not start a blog?)

8 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to win the word count championship for your review. If you do, at best, the length will cause readers to fall asleep. At worst, you will become ‘that reviewer’ who everyone scrolls through and will be so noted in the comments section (Does the term ‘Windy’ mean anything to you.)

7 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you can attack the quality of the product without cause. If you do, at best, those who disagree will make their thoughts known, and those thoughts will follow you everywhere. At worst, you may touch a nerve of a very dedicated fan base who will be committed to eliminating your ability to post other egregious reviews through official and unofficial means. ( you do not want to know the unofficial)

6 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you have to describe every detail of the technical function of the product. If you do, at best, you will convince everyone they do not have the skill to operate the product. At worst, you will label yourself as a technical geek who should only be listened to when it comes time to buy a rocket to Mars. ( Your fellow geeks will love you, though)

5 When writing an Amazon review, do not include instructions on remedying a problem with the product. If you do, at best, the reader will avoid the product like the plague. At worst, you will have other purchasers begging you to help them with their problems and will assume you are part of the company’s customer service department. (Things will get ugly fast if you don’t support them)

4 When writing an Amazon review, do not use the words or expressions: #BOOM, hubris, über, fantastic, amazing, surreal, surprising, or the like. If you do, at best, you will join the rest of the world in the lack of originality. At worst, you will be using words that do not describe anything and will lose all credibility as someone who should be taken as a serious opinion leader. (Does Hashtag loser ring a bell?)

3 When writing an Amazon review, do not pick any sex toys as the target of your insights. If you do, at best, there is no way to write a review that will mean the same to another user. At worst, you might find yourself in an area where you will have to expose all your weirdness to the buying public. (You might be surprised when a copy of your review is sitting on the counter in the break room)

2 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you must save the world from having a bad experience. If you do, at best, your negative review will be the exception, and your review credibility will be gone. At worst, you will demonstrate a vindictive personality which will be used as a benchmark on how effective readers believe your reviews are in the future. (Your lousy experience might be a singular event which will be evident when the judge finds for the plaintiff in your lawsuit)

1 When writing an Amazon review, do not think your review will not be read by anyone, so you need not take care of its construction. If you do, at best, all the typos and inaccurate statements will make you appear the fool. At worst, this review may show up in social media as one that, by its very sloppiness, needs to be mocked to the fullest. (Thinking you are anonymous won’t help when a copy of the review is circulated in the company e-mail with the headline, “Look What our Crack PR Department Does in its Spare Time.”)

 

This list was published on January 6th, 2015. It looks like nothing has changed in seven years, so I hope you enjoy it.

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This list was inspired by standing in line at Wal-Mart to return a screwdriver that broke. I know. Why would I buy a screwdriver at Wal-Mart? Long story. Let’s just say it was an emergency purchase that did not go well. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to do in Customer Service.

10 If you are next at the customer service desk, do not fall asleep. If you do, at best, you will get yelled at by the crowd. At worst, you will not hear the word “Next” and will be knocked off your feet by the person behind you. This could lead to a severe injury. ) Or even worse when you fall on your returns which are glass Christmas ornaments)

9 If you are at the customer service desk, have your receipt ready. If you don’t, at best, you will take precious time to find it causing your linemates to want to kill you with their bare hands. At worst, the time it takes to find the receipt will be multiplied exponentially for the last person in line. (You do raise the possibility that they might just pass away from old age before getting to the front of the line)

8 If you are in line at customer service, do not sigh loudly when the person in front of you does not have a receipt. If you do, at best, you may get some evil looks and bad words. At worst, the person in front of you will take exception to your sigh. (You may have to defend your audacity with real knuckles)

7 If you are at the customer service desk and have lost your receipt, do not try to talk the clerk into a refund. If you do, at best, you will waste your and everyone else’s time. At worst, you might just be in the presence of a classical professor from the local college. (He just might figure out how to have you towed by your feet around the city much like Achilles dragged Hector around Troy)

6 If you are in line at customer service, do not believe you will get to the desk quickly. If you do, at best, you will cause your blood pressure to rise. At worst, you will initiate internal tension that could culminate in a rampage through the store, undoubtedly leading to your arrest. ( If not mandatory treatment in the local state mental hospital )

5 If you plan to go to customer service, do not finish that Big 32 oz cup of soda before arriving. If you do, at best, you will be mildly uncomfortable as the line creeps along. At worst, you will have a full-out emergency and will be unsuccessful in having someone hold your place. (You now have a choice to lose your place in line or gross out the entire store )

4 If you are in the customer service line and feel faint, do not fall down and try to remain in place. If you do fall down, at best, you will lose your place in line. At worst, you will lie in the store unnoticed by store personnel until closing time. ( Of course, all the patrons who pass your comatose body will secretly be grateful to you for dropping out of line and making their wait shorter )

3 If you are at the end of the line at customer service, do not look to the front to figure out how long the wait will be. If you do, at best, you will calculate the delay to be more time than you thought. At worst, when you divide the amount of transaction time by the number of available hours, the result will be more hours than the store is open. (This will cause a feeling of panic, which has at its root the fact that you traveled fifteen miles out of your way getting here and you are supposed to be somewhere else )

2 If you finally get to the front of the line at customer service, do not try to explain anything to the clerk. If you do, at best, you will waste time by missing the critical questions on whether the item is damaged and would you like the refund in cash or on the card? At worst, you will tell the clerk enough to give away the fact that the item was a gift and that the receipt is actually a forgery that was produced by your uncle while currently serving time in the federal penitentiary for making phony hundred-dollar bills. (It is an excellent  forgery, though)

1 Once you have finished with the customer service clerk, do not take the time with idle chit-chat. If you do, at best, you will have the clerk yelling, “I can help the next customer here,” over your attempt to be friendly. At worst, you might just cause a swell behind you of those wanting you to move, which might lead to several older people being pushed down. (Those folks are incapable of getting up because their Life Alert is out of batteries, and they were in line for a rain check for the battery special, which now looks like it may expire too.)

I am at Story Empire today talking about goals. Go HERE if you are curious.

 

One thing not to do is mess up a schedule for a post that was supposed to run two days after Christmas. You may have noticed that I scheduled the Top Ten post by mistake, and it ran yesterday. Sadly this kind of thing throws everyone off. I do apologize.

Rather than pull it down, I decided to let it run and explain it today. If you missed it, here is a link. Top Ten Link

 

 

 

This post originally ran on December 22, 2014. I think it still might give you a smile today.

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This list is inspired by the holiday season and is a result of watching the behavior of folks as we get nearer to the final day. As with all my lists, there is not much redeeming value here but are designed to (maybe) get a smile. Also, some of these items may seem contrary to the spirit of the season, but I can assure you they are.

Top Ten Things Not to do During the Holiday Season.

10 During the holidays, do not invite strangers to your home even if the spirit moves you. If you do, at best, you may have an awkward moment or two. At worst, you might just wonder what happened to the house full of furniture which was there when you went off to church. (You wanted to redecorate anyway, right?)

9 During the holidays, do not accidentally drop more money than you intended into the Salvation Army kettle. If you do, at best, you will have given to a worthy cause. At worst, you will have to explain to the family about the lack of presents due to your generosity somewhere else. (Yeah, they will understand.)

8 During the holidays, do not think you have to buy everyone you know a gift. If you do, at best, you will undoubtedly earn the cheerful giver award. At worst, you may create an identity crisis with those who did not buy a gift for you, causing them to rush out and get you something, or even worse, re-gift the gift you gave them last year. (You thought that tie looked familiar)

7 During the holidays, always remind yourself that self-medication is not a wise thing during times of stress. If you don’t, at best, you will get off easy with a nip of egg nog. At worst, you will find yourself saying some of the dumbest things to those you barely know and what you think are the most brilliant things to those who no longer call you friends. ( You learned to never mention hair color under any circumstances)

6 During the holidays, do not put off your shopping to ‘get into the season.” If you do, At best, you may have to pay more for items that are in short supply. At worst, all the gifts you were going to buy are no longer in stock, so you will have to make last-minute substitutions that will be second-rate and not at all what anyone can remotely appreciate. (Gas station beef jerky, for example)

5 During the holidays, do not touch anything outside your home. If you do, at best, you will come down with a cold from a germ left on that innocent door handle. At worst, you will be quarantined by the CDC because whatever you picked up is not currently identified and is assumed to result from a terrorist attack. The upside here is the CDC has a lovely assortment of Christmas carol CDs that they are happy to play repeatedly. (Never knew Santa Claus is Coming to Town was recorded by 250 artists, did you?)

4 During the holidays, do not think you can pick up that holiday turkey on your way home on Christmas eve. If you do, at best only the twenty-five pounders will be available. At worst, the only thing left in the meat department is a package of Hog Maw leftover either from Thanksgiving or the butcher’s hunting trip. (You’ll never convince the family that hog maw and beans tastes like turkey.)

3 During the holidays, do not think you need to have an old-fashioned Christmas by subjecting your neighbors to your family’s off-key carols. If you do, at best, you will get polite smiles and some hot chocolate. At worst, you and the family will need to run for your lives as the neighbor yells, “Don’t worry. Bruno already ate.” (Man, that dog is big.)

2 During the holidays, do not try to attend every event. If you do, at best, you will be sleep-deprived and will have lost the spirit of the season. At worst, you will need to consume copious amounts of caffeine, which will lead to an unnerving appearance that might cause holiday revelers to actually believe the story of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” (Or even worse, think the Christmas tale of the Zombie is real.)

1 During the holidays, do not despair over small things that you forgot. If you do, at best, things will seem worse as a result. At worst, your family will undoubtedly be forced to look forward to the coming of spring when the state promises to review your case again. (A gas station hold-up is never the answer.)

 

This list was originally posted on December 7th, 2015. Except for the fact that eighty-plus years have witnessed the holidays, all else seems relevant. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list is inspired by watching seventy-plus Holidays come with mixed results on gifting, both giving and receiving.

Top Ten Things Not to Give as a Present This Year

10 This year, do not give anyone a fruitcake. If you do, at best, it will find its way into the city recycling center. At worst, it will come back to you next year just a little bit harder than when last gifted. (Sure, it looked good in the catalog, didn’t it?

9 This year, do not give anything that has “as seen on TV” printed on the package. If you do, at best, the recipient will know you shopped in the drugstore. At worst, the gadget will be responsible for taking out the recipient’s electrical system. (You didn’t get that recall notice, did you?)

8 This year, do not give Scandinavian cookies in a metal tin. If you do, at best, the made in USA label will give away the lack of an imported gift. At worst, the cookies will taste like overpriced Little Debbie vanilla wafers. (How’s that stuck to the roof of the mouth feeling working out for your recipient?)

7 This year, do not give frozen mail-order steaks. If you do, at best, the steaks will be received by a vegan. At worst, the steaks will arrive in time to sit on the porch between Christmas and New Year while your recipient is skiing in Telluride. (They never said they were going out-of-town, did they?)

6 This year, do not give fruit gifts. If you do, at best, whatever you choose is hated by 75% of the people in the recipient’s household. At worst, the gift you select arrives during the worst snowstorm in one hundred years and won’t show up until spring. (Man, those pears sure didn’t freeze well, did they?)

5 This year, do not give personal grooming devices. If you do, at best, the recipient will wonder your intent. At worst, you may get a call from the recipient’s lawyer talking generalities about severe damage to very personal areas. (The ad said it was perfectly safe, and you believed it, right?)

4 This year, do not give a box of chocolate-covered cherries. If you do, at best, they will cause the recipient to choke on the first and throw the rest away. At worst, the recipient will be so depressed by the lack of thought the entire box will be eaten, and the recipient is admitted to the ER with symptoms of a glucose overdose. (It seemed like a good idea while you were getting your prescription filled. Didn’t it?)

3 This year, do not give a discount coupon for a day spa visit. At best, you will broadcast how cheap you are. At worst, the day spa is running discounts because their service sucks. (Can you say toe fungus without cringing?)

2 This year, do not give anything that is designed to be worn under clothes. If you do, at best, you will raise a question regarding the need. At worst, the size will be all wrong, and it won’t matter if you choose too small or too large the result will be the same. (Did you have a few drinks at that trunk show, or are you just an idiot?)

1 This year, do not give anything you bought on an impulse just to have a gift to give. If you do, at best, you will have difficulty explaining why that particular gift. At worst, you will probably overspend for something that has no thought behind it. (That will be your payback for procrastinating your search for a gift.)

This post originally ran on November 10th, 2014. it was in response to having an engine light come on in my car. It looks to be relevant today, so here goes.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Engine Light Comes On.

10 If your engine light comes on, do not panic. If you do, at best, you may make things worse by being rattled. At worst, you may pull off the road in a panicked state, keep rolling past the shoulder into a culvert below. (Now you have a mess of lights to deal with, Bud including the state police.)

9 If your engine light comes on, do not consult your owner’s manual until you come to a stop. If you do, at best, you won’t find the section inconspicuously marked “Warning Indicator – Engine,” and you’ll have to stop anyway. At worst, you will be concentrating on using the index to find the subject matter and inadvertently run into the stopped care in front of you. ( In any case, the index and manual will be of no help.)

8 If your engine light comes on, do not try to ignore it. If you do, at best, you will be continually reminded that something is wrong. At worst, your engine light bulb will burn out, and you will think the trouble has magically cleared up until you hear the rending screech of metal marking the final moments of the life of your engine. (Yeah, five quarts of oil in the drive is a lot.)

7 If your engine light comes on, do not think this is a normal function of the car’s systems. If you do, at best, you will only have a minor additional repair. At worst, you may be saying goodbye to your trusty car as you watch it disappear into the local u-pull-it parts depot. (With the added insult that the tow truck fee was more significant than the salvage payment.)

6 If your engine light comes on, do not attempt to diagnose the problem yourself. If you do, at best, you may end up at the mechanic since you couldn’t find the problem. At worst, you may have misdiagnosed the situation and be happily motoring along in a remote area as you see the light again, followed by billowing clouds of smoke. (This is after passing the last gas station for one hundred miles sign, fifty miles ago.)

5 If your engine light comes on, do not think it is an excellent accompaniment to the soft romantic music on the radio. If you do, at best, you may not be able to start your car someday. At worst, you could be seeing the beginning of the end of the soft music and your car. (Funny, you never heard that strange noise before.)

4 If your engine light comes on, do not pretend it doesn’t bother you. If you do, at best, you will have unsettled moments until you come to grips with the fact there is trouble. At worst, the light will trigger long-suppressed anxieties, which could cause a significant episode requiring hours of psychological help. (This help will make the repair bill on the car look cheap.)

3 If your engine light comes on, do not think your car is irreparably damaged. If you do, at best, you will lose confidence in its reliability. At worst, you will take unreasonable steps to get rid of the car, which could lead to significant loss of funds and peace of mind. (Thinking you could shove it off a cliff might lead to being cited by the state police for littering.)

2 If your engine light comes on, do not suggest to your spouse that you swap cars for a while. If you do, at best, your spouse will have to deal with the issue. At worst, the problem is so acute your spouse breaks down on the freeway, and a gang of carjackers comes along, strip, and burns your car. (In addition, your spouse thinks the lawless lifestyle looks pretty romantic and joins their crew and now sports a “Mess with the best, die like the rest” tattoo on the back.)

1 If your engine light comes on, do not drive the car to any place but the mechanic. If you do, at best, you may have a small repair bill which could get bigger. At worst, the problem will continue to get bigger until you are no longer controlling your car. (You will become its servant with all the negative attention related to the title.)