Today marks the anniversary of the first major league baseball all-star game. It was held in Comiskey Park in Chicago on July 6th, 1933. For all you baseball lovers who have not been able to enjoy the game since the pandemic started, please come along to this fateful day. Don’t forget to take this list with you since it may help you from making a time travel faux pas that could result in a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First MLB All-Star Game in 1933.

10 If you go, do not complain about the choice of players. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, you’ll be overheard by Arch Ward, the sportswriter for the Chicago Tribune, who organized the event. (The problem with your complaint, Linwood is the players were selected by the fans from fifty cities across the country. Arch Ward set the whole thing up, including fan voting, and if looks could kill, you would be on a cold slab right now.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if he can get an autograph of some of the players for you. If you do, at best, Tiny will be busy signing autographs himself. At worst, Tiny has been standing around for hours, and no one has asked for his autograph. (You must understand, Livingston, Tiny is the first client to ever be expelled from the self-worth seminar as a hopeless case. This was not a good time to ask for a favor. Go ahead and ask Tiny if he wouldn’t mind not standing on your foot. I know his breath is hot but you could at least ask.)

8 If you go, do not ask about the National League uniforms. If you do, at best, no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, they will wonder why you are asking. (You see, Llwyd only you know that except for this first all-star game all the players show up in their home team uniforms. So seeing the National League in specially made gray uniforms and navy blue caps was a surprise. )

7 If you go, do not wonder aloud how many of the players present will end up in the baseball hall of fame. If you do, at best, the person hearing you will think you are drunk. At worst, you will be wondering aloud to Kenesaw Mountain Landis, the commissioner of baseball. (Landis will, of course, tell you immediately to mind your own business, Lochlann. For the sake of history, the answer to your question is twenty of the 36 players have been inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Better look out, Landis is talking to Babe Ruth and pointing at you.)

6 If you go, do not ask for a box seat. If you do, at best, the ticket agent will ask for your reservation. At worst, you’ll be told that the box seats are for celebrities and the rich only. (The box seat costs $1.65, Lootah. Not too many could pay that kind of money during the depression. That would be $31.36 in 2020.)

5 If you go, do not complain about your Cracker Jack prize. If you do, at best, the concession person will give you sympathy. At worst, the stadium manager will toss you out. (In 1933, Loren the Cracker Jack company switched the prize selection to almost exclusively toys. The outside of the box is marked “Toy inside.” There are no rings or other household items in the box any longer. The Stadium manager threatened to toss the third person who complained. The second just walked away.)

4 If you go, do not forget to get a program. If you do, at best, there will be one on the ground. At worst, you’ll miss out on the opportunity to have such stars as Babe Ruth, Lefty Grove, Jimmy Foxx, Lou Gehrig, Al Simmons, and Joe Cronin sign your program. (Not to mention even unsigned the original program goes for $379.00, Loring)

3 If you go, do not ask where you can get an autographed ball. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, Arch Ward will wonder how you found out about the balls. (Before the game Arch had sixty balls autographed by the players, and then he gifted them to special friends of major league baseball. He is now wondering how you found out, Lothair. That ball is for sale today at $14,999.00)

2 If you go, do not mention that the all-star game is an annual event called “Midsummer Classic.” If you do, at best folks will think the sun got to you. At worst, Arch Ward will think you are trying to steal his idea. (I think I would tread lightly around Arch, Loughlin. He seems rather sensitive about his event. I don’t think it is an accident that he is talking to that big security guard and looking over here.)

1 If you go, don’t forget to congratulate the winners. If you do, at best no one will notice. At worse, the American league will think you are a sore loser. (The American League won the first all-star game 4 to 2 in front of 47, 595 fans. I’m sure they would appreciate your congratulations, Lowell.)

This week marks the anniversary of the dedication in 1951 of UNIVAC, the first commercially produced electronic digital computer. The computer was designed and built for the Census Bureau. The engineers that developed the UNIVAC, J. Presper Eckert and John Mauchly sold their company to Remington Rand in 1950 before the launch. If you want to go and be part of the dedication, please take this list with you. We all know we must be cautious when time traveling to prevent any tears in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Dedication of the UNIVAC computer in 1951.

10 If you go, do not make comments regarding the size of the computer. If you do, at best, no one will pay attention to you. At worse, you are overheard by Eckert. (Yes, the machine is enormous, Lancelot. It weighs 16,000 pounds, but Eckert looks a little upset since this model is about a quarter the size of his last. I think you might apologize quickly.)

9 If you go, do not try to teach Tiny the WWF champ any programming language. If you do, at best he’ll think you are kidding. At worst, Tiny will realize that he is not teachable. (You have a bit of a problem, Landry. You see, Tiny has been ordered by the court to attend self-esteem group sessions. The last session got him to know that he was okay. Your attempts to explain basic programming just set him back four years. He’s looking for someone to blame. Point at John Mauchly quick.)

8 If you go, do not scoff when J Presper Eckert brags about the ability of the machine to perform 1905 instructions per second. If you do, at best, he will think you have hay fever. At worst, he’ll call upon you to explain your scoff. (You are on the spot now, X. See when you scoff knowing your iPhone can do 3.2 billion instructions per second you are going to have a tough time explaining your way out of this one. Maybe you should just admit to hay fever.)

7 If you go, do not make jokes about the heat from the 5000 vacuum tubes. If you do, at best, one or two may get the joke. At worst, John Mauchly will ask you to take your marshmallow stick and leave the premises. (Now you have made him angry, Langley. Of course, he doesn’t know that transistors would be available within five years. If he did, he would think you were a genius instead of ending up upside down in the alley.)

6 If you go, do not take your iPad. If you do, at best, people will think it is a clipboard. At worst, J Presper Eckert will spot you doing some calculations on it. (Don’t worry, Laochailan. Just hit the screen hide and show him your clipboard screen saver. He’ll never know.)

5 If you go, do not ask Eckert about punch card inputs. If you do, at best, he will be flattered since there are none. At worst, he ‘ll be insulted since he and Mauchly worked hard to make a digital electronic input system without the need for punch cards. (Now you have Eckert yelling at you, Laramie. He thinks you are a punch card fan and too dumb to recognize his achievement. Just tell him you were kidding and to put that chair back under the desk.)

4 If you go, do not ask to speak to someone from the computer science department. If you do, at best no one will be available for weeks. At worst, you will talk to a person who will speak a different language. (Not to worry Largo. Here is a handy reference for talking to computer science people. There are three columns and twenty rows of words. All you have to do is pick a word from one column, add it to another word in the next column, and finally tack it on to a third word. Put it all in a sentence, and you are good to go. For example. “Can you guys integrate bipolar terminals and publish a report on the results?” The guy will say he’ll look into it but is totally impressed.)

3 If you go, do not mention IBM around anyone in the room. If you do, at best, you will be near the coffee server. At worst, you’ll be taken as a spy. (Well, Larue, how does it feel sitting here with the eggshells?)

2 If you go, do not ask Eckert if the computer can predict presidential elections. If you do, at best, he’ll laugh. At worst, he’ll want to know where you got the information on his secret pet project. (Of course, Laszlo you didn’t read your history. You didn’t realize the UNIVAC surprised the world by predicting the outcome of the election of Dwight D. Eisenhower’s unexpected landslide victory in November of 1952. You now have a lot of explaining to do.)

1 If you go, do not ask Eckert and Mauchly why they sold their company to Remington Rand. If you do, at best, both will be talking to someone else and not hear you. At worst, they will help you out to the ally, which has been your home away from home, it seems. (The problem is Lathan these guys are terrific engineers but horrible businessmen. They were lucky to see before they went bankrupt.)

This week marks the 525th anniversary of the development of Scot’s whiskey. Although we are not certain of the exact date, it was this week that commemorates the written evidence of its existence. I published this post last year, but I think some of you may have missed it. Here it is again.

The anniversary of the first written record of Scotch Whisky appears in Exchequer Rolls of Scotland in 1495, and Friar John Cor is the distiller. What is not recorded is how the folks at the time reacted to this new development. Just in case time travel becomes a reality, here is a list of Things Not to Do as you visit this new development. The hope is it will keep you out of trouble or, more importantly preventing you from causing a tear in the time continuum that might preclude the development of this beneficial elixir. (gasp) So if you are going, take this list and be careful. You will have the benefit of all humankind in your hands.

10  If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not ask for your portion on the rocks. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, your host will think you odd but will add some stones to your chalice. (Ignoring the fact that you don’t know where these rocks have been, Hido, you need to smile and drink your portion. Yeah, overlook those little floating bits at the top.)

9  If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not forget to tip Tiny the WWF champ who is an usher at Lindores Abbey in Fife. If you do, at best Tiny will make sure you miss the tasting by ten minutes. At worst, Tiny, who just finished losing his jousting match, will view your oversight as a vote for his opponent. (Now you have gone and done it, Hilton. Tiny is still trying to recover his self-esteem, and that piece of silver would have gone a long way. Might as well relax during the spinning body drop. It only hurts for a little while.)

8 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not be confused by the description ‘aqua vitae VIII bolls of malt.’ and ask out loud, ‘where’s the Scotch whiskey?’ If you do, at best, everyone will be confused. At worst, the guards will take you to the tower for a few questions like, ‘How long have you practiced witchcraft?’ (Might be best to tell the guards you have the flu and were out of your head with fever, Hiram. That rack looks like it might be painful.)

7 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not attempt to get on your horse to ride back to the inn after you’ve sampled a few flagons of Brother John Cor’s invention. If you do, at best, you’ll realize it is not the thing to do. At worst, you and your horse will eventually be pulled over by James IV’s guards and booked into the dungeon. (Apparently, there is a law against riding under the influence (RUI), Holland. Now you are going to have a permanent record on file.)

6 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not ask for chips and salsa to go with your portion. If you do, at best, you’ll get a joint of mutton. At worst, the king’s chef will demand to know how to make this chips and salsa thingy you requested. (Looks like this guy is a relative of Tiny the way he keeps swinging that butcher knife around, Holman. You know how to make it right? If not, you know how to run, don’t you?)

5 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not volunteer when Brother John Cor talks about a smoke. If you do, at best you’ll have helpers to fetch the peet. At worst, everyone else knows John Cor is not talking about a doobie but needs more peet to fire up his malting operation. (That peet operation is dirty and sweaty, Homayoun. You gotta dig bricks of it and carry it five miles to the abbey. You want to avoid this if at all possible. Of course, now it is too late. Better hit the time machine and disappear.)

4 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not ask for a jug to go. If you do, at best John Cor will think you are joking. At worst, he will try to find something to house the scotch. (Sadly, all he can find is an earthen pot that was used to feed the dog, Honon. Your first sip at home will let you know that the dog’s primary food source was whatever the humans didn’t want. Your scotch now has the essence of hog entrail with a finish of fish head.)

3 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not suggest putting the whiskey aside for twelve years. If you do, at best, all the king’s men will laugh you off the island. At worst, John Cor will. take your suggestion, and there will be no scotch before it’s time. (Your only worry now, Hormheb is how to avoid ten thousand archers, lancers, swordsmen, catapult operators, and knights for the next twelve years. Yeah, I didn’t think you wanted to try. Hit the way back machine.)

2 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not try to explain soda to John Cor. If you do, at best, he will be confused. At worst, he will be offended that you think his product needs enhancement. (You can stop singing the song ‘Scotch and soda, mud in your eye, baby do I feel high, oh, me oh, my,’ Hosea. John is still not going to unlock that dungeon door.)

1 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not put on a tartan kilt without knowing its history. If you do, at best, no one in the abbey is at war with the clan represented by what you are wearing. At worst, you picked the tartan of the most aggressive clan on the island. (You have two choices, Houman. Either pick up that broad sword and start defending yourself or drop the kilt and try to convince those advancing Scots that you were just joking. Maybe the fact that you don’t wear underwear under a kilt will underscore your claim of a joke.)

This week marks the 231st anniversary of the mutiny on the Bounty in 1789. We all want to go there to see how close the actual event was to the various movies and books written about it. Of course, you will want to bring this list with you. Hopefully, it will prevent any mistakes that could put a tear in the time continuum. Hop on the time train and let’s go.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Mutiny on the Bounty in 1789.

10 If you are there, do not ask Lieutenant Bligh why he doesn’t have a captain’s rank. If you do, at best, he will be distracted. At worse, you will remind him that he took a significant cut in pay to take command of the Bounty. You see, Luke, Bligh was captain of the Britannia, a merchant’s vessel. He was earning £500 (about $95,000 US today) a year and was only paid £71 (about $12,000 US today) to command the Bounty. He took the assignment since it was better than being assigned to shore which would have meant a 50% pay cut. He also mentioned that you will enjoy meeting his cat with nine tails or something like that)

9 If you are there, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if he would like to take your place in the longboat being launched with Bligh and his loyalists on board. If you do, at best, Tiny will think you are joking. At worst, Tiny, who just declared himself loyal to Fletcher Christian, will want to keep you quiet. (Tiny does not wish for his shipmates to question his loyalty, Logan. I think you are in for a brief flight that will end up with you in the water.)

8 If you are there, do not tell John Fryer, the sailing master, that he reminds you of Jack Sparrow. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, John will want to know who Jack Sparrow is. (if you tell him Jack is a pirate in the movies, Lee you just know this won’t go well.)

7 If you are there, do not laugh out loud when you hear that the cargo is breadfruit trees. If you do, at best the crew will think you are odd. At worst, you will bring to light the folly of the original mission. (The breadfruit trees were to be transported to the West Indies from Tahiti. There they were to be planted, and their fruit used to feed slaves. Right now, a bunch of the crew seems to think you may know something, Landon. You don’t want to lead this mutiny.)

6 If you are there, do not criticize the crew for their handling of Bligh. If you do, at best they will think you a softy. At worst, they will think you are siding with Bligh. (It looks like you are going to join the other 19 in the launch, Louis. I think I would try to talk them out of putting you in there since your presence might be the one too many that will tip the boat in a rough sea. The 19 have it dangerously overloaded as it is.)

5 If you are there, do not argue with the mutineers about weather to head for Tahiti or Pitcairn island to hide out. If you do, at best they will think you are joking. At worst, you will be considered a pain and be given another choice. (You see, Leon it was decided to let those off in Tahiti who wanted to be there and the rest to proceed to try and find Pitcairn island which was discovered in 1765 but never documented as to its exact location. So each man has a choice of where to be. Looks like your third choice is to wear a sounding plummet  (weight) around your neck when you take a walk on water.)

4 If you are there and decide to stay on till Pitcairn island, do not ask any of the 14 Tahitian women kidnapped by Christian can go out on a date with you. If you do, at best, they will think you are drunk. At worst, the 6 Tahitian men and eight mutineers who have a relationship with them may take offense. (Nothing like hitting on the girlfriend of Fletcher Christian Lewis. I hear he is looking for you, and he is carrying two cutlasses. I’ll bet one is for you.)

3 If you are there, do not tell the mutineers what you know about how those on Tahiti turned out. If you do, at best they won’t believe you. At worst, they will think you are an agent of the crown. (You see Leonardo, all 14 of the mutineers were captured and place on the prison ship Pandora. The ship ran aground, and four of the mutineers drowned. The remaining ten were transported bound hand and foot to England for trial. Looks like they want to see you swim to England.)

2 If you are there, also do not tell those on Pitcairn Island how they turned out. If you do, at best, they will think you are telling a fictional story. At worse, they will think you are a sorcerer. (All but two of the mutineers (including Fletcher Christian) were killed. The last two; Young and Adams, took care of the women and 19 children until Young died in 1800 and Adams in 1829. Descendants of the mutineers still live there. You think anyone will believe that, Lamar?)

1 If you are there, do not tell the mutineers how Bligh turned out. If you do, at best no one will care. At worst, they will think you are telling a cruel joke. (Bligh went on to serve as captain of more English ships, and Bligh was promoted to rear-admiral in 1811 and Vice-Admiral in 1814. The good news for the mutineers would be he was not offered further naval appointments after being appointed to Vice-Admiral. Let’s hope the good news allows you to keep your head, Lane.)

This week marks the 87th anniversary of the invention of the board game Monopoly. The Game was developed based on a 1904 patent by Lizzy Magie for a game called The Landlord’s Game. This game was played one evening in 1932 Charles Todd, and his wife hosted Esther Jones and her husband Charles Darrow for dinner. After dinner, the couples played The Landlord’s Game. After that night, Darrow went on to distribute the game himself as Monopoly. Parker Brothers bought the copyrights from Darrow, and the game was distributed throughout the US and eventually the world.

It would be fun to go to that first game. Of course, itis imperative that we take a list of things not to do so that we don’t inadvertently cause a problem in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Monopoly Game in 1933.

10 In the first game, do not try to convince everyone that Free Parking should have a payoff. If you do, at best, someone will remind you of the real rules. At worst, you will convince them to put all the fines in the middle to be collected by whoever lands on free parking. (Why is that so bad, Kirk? Since you have landed on free parking six times, you tell me. I think your fellow players want to see you outside.)

9 In the first game, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if he wants to trade his Boardwalk for your Baltic Avenue. If you do, at best, Tiny will think you are joking. At worst, Tiny has not attended his “scammed victims” support group for two sessions. (You see, Keanu, Tiny was scammed out of some stock and lost his life savings. He is in no mood to have that feeling repeated in a game. Yes, you are feeling the pressure of Tiny’s hands on your head. I would say, “Just kidding,” as soon as you can speak. Maybe you need to find a pencil and paper to write it out.)

8 In the first game, if you are the banker, do not forget to pay $200 when a person passes “Go.” If you do, at best, the person will remind you. At worst, the person thinks you are trying to cheat them out of their pay. (Now we have a situation, Keenan. Of course, you didn’t try to trick them on purpose, but it is tough to explain that $200 up your sleeve. Maybe a real $5 bill will help soothe feelings.)

7 In the first game, do not try to figure out whether it is cheaper to pay the income tax of $200 or 10% of your holdings. If you do, at best, you are playing with folks who have the patience of Job. At worst, you are performing with a pack of impatient twenty-somethings. (By the time you figure out your move, Kipp, all the rest of the players have moved on to playing ragtime records and drinking bathtub gin.)

6 In the first game, do not buy everything you land on with no rhyme or reason. If you do, at best, you’ll go broke. At worst, you have prevented anyone else from getting a monopoly, and the game will grind on for weeks. (No, you can’t have food and water, Koby. This was your fault, and you are lucky your game participants let you visit the facilities. Oh, wait, they are discussing that subject again.)

5 In the first game, do not insist on using your favorite token. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, that big guy across from you is not interested in giving up the car. (I think I would go ahead and use the iron, Kane. After all, the better part of valor is letting go. The worst part of valor is getting punched in the face.)

4 In the first game, do not laugh fiendishly when an opponent lands on Boardwalk, which you own along with a hotel. If you do, at best, they have the money to pay up. At worst, they don’t have the money and no desire to negotiate. (See there, Kiran. Your fiendish laugh, along with you wringing your hands, has caused your opponent to quit. You could have taken payment in properties by nooooo. Now the game is over.)

3 In the first game, do not think rolling doubles three times won’t land you in jail. If you do, at best, your fellow players will call you on the rules. At worst, your opponents will think you are trying to get away with something and will watch your every move from here on out. (Trying to sneak that Get Out of Jail Free card from the deck will end in disaster, Killian. You may even land in a real jail.)

2 In the first game, do not try to miscount the dice roll, especially if you are going to land on “Go to Jail.” if you do, at best, everyone will be talking and missed the fact. At worst, the guy with the most amount of money has called you out. (What are you going to do now, Karim? You’ve been caught, and by the looks of the guy, he has a less than zero sense of humor.

1 In the first game, do not throw the dice before your opponent has finished their move. If you do, at best, your apology will be accepted. At worst, Earth Quake Muldoon (Your opponent) has decided that you were doing that to rattle him. (I hope you can finish the game from that position, Kellan. I know it will be difficult trying to roll the dice with your feet. That’s gotta hurt right?)

This week marks the anniversary of the world’s first telephone directory issued by the New Haven Connecticut Telephone Company containing the names of its 50 subscribers. Most of us are always interested in the release of a new book. This one is only one page but is the first of its kind, so we should go and see what it is all about. As usual, we need to take a list of things not to do to avoid the dreaded time continuum tear.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Issue of the First Telephone Book in 1878 by John W. Howell © 2020

10 If you are there, do not ask about a ‘do not call’ list. If you do, at best, folks will wonder what you mean. At worst, the publisher of the book will call you a radical communist. (After all, Kevin. Who doesn’t want to be called by their friends and neighbors? I think those guys with brass knuckles wish to talk with you.)

9 If you are there, do not try to take a second copy from Tiny, the WWF champ, who is also the distribution manager. If you do, at best, Tiny will gently remind you only one copy per customer. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped three anger management sessions and also his morning coffee, will demonstrate the law of gravity, and his ability to toss a 180-pound weight ten feet into the air. Yes, Kennith, you are about to go airborne.)

8 If you are there, do not describe the mayor out loud as having “More chins than the New Haven directory.” If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, the Chin brothers want to talk to you. (Now you’ve done it, Khalil. The brothers think your comparison cast them in a bad light since they are not listed. It looks like a duel at sunrise is the only solution.)

7 If you are there, do not ask how you can get an anonymous listing. If you do, at best, the crowd will merely wonder about your point. At worst, the idea will spread, and the phonebook will be dead before it begins. (The phone company management wants to see you in private, Kurt. I don’t think they are going to offer you a bonus for your brilliant idea.)

6 If you are there, do not ask why there are no numbers and just names. If you do, at best, your question will demonstrate your lack of knowledge about how the phone works. (there are no direct dialing methods, Kenny. You pick up the phone and ask for a person by name. This will be explained to you in the basement of the phone company office. Oh yes, there will be a water board to help you remember where you came from.)

5 If you are there, do not try to spend more than three minutes on a single call. If you do, at best, you will be gently reminded of the rules. At worst, the phone police will suspend your call privileges. (It appears that you missed the provisions of the phone company, Kareem. Customers are limited to three minutes per call, and no more than two calls an hour without permission from the central office. It looks like Geraldine is in charge. Good luck in getting your privilege back.)

4 If you are there, do not begin talking without the company’s proscribed greeting of ‘hulloa.’ If you do, at best, no one else will be on the line. At worst, there will be others on the line, and everyone will be talking at once. (Nice going, Karl. You have now created the first mob scene in telecommunications history. Also saying ‘y’all shut up” hasn’t helped.)

3 If you are there, do not think your phone is missing a part. If you do, at best, someone will explain that the talk and listen function is in one piece. At worst, you’ll be ignored, and you will miss half of the conversation. (You are supposed to say ‘That is all,” when you are finished, Klaus. You then switch the receiver quickly to your ear to listen. There is a big guy heading your way to take that instrument away from you. Let him have it.)

2 If you are there, do not say anything you don’t want fifty people to hear. If you do, at best, what you say is insignificant. At worst, calling the doctor and talking about what is bothering you will be around town in three minutes. (Yeah, Kiefer. Everyone is avoiding you. They are wondering about that rash you described to Doctor Thompson. Maybe you could have used a code word for ‘down there.’)

1 If you are there, do not try to place a collect call. If you do, at best, the operator will laugh. At worst, the police will be notified since you have not paid your subscription fee. ( The price is $22 a year, Kurtis, and there is no such thing as a payphone. I think you have disrupted not only the phone company but time as well.)