Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Battle of New Orleans in 1815

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments
By Edward Percy Moran – Library of Congress

 

On January 8th, 1815 A rag-tag army under Andrew Jackson defeats the British on the fields of Chalmette in the Battle of New Orleans. Since this piece of history is fascinating you may want to go and observe. If you do, take this list with you and maybe you can avoid and trouble time travel-wise.

10 If you go, do not ask anyone if they have heard the song, Battle of New Orleans by Johnny Horton. If you do, at best no one can understand you. At worst, someone will ask you to sing it. (When you get to the part about using a gator as a cannon, Jackie you might want to explain you were just kidding.)

9 If you go, do not ignore a command from Tiny the WWF champ to help build an earthen barrier that will be used to protect the Americans from the British. If you do, at best Tiny will become preoccupied with something shiny. At worst, since Tiny has missed his last four anger management sessions he forgot about snapping the band around his wrist. ( He is now snapping your bones, Jacobe. Don’t worry usually two snaps of the band calms him down. You might want to yell, “wrist band.” If couldn’t hurt.)

8 If you go, do not wear your favorite red sweater. If you do, at best all the sharpshooters know a sweater when they see one. At worst, your sweater will be mistaken for a British uniform. (The outcome of this is not good, Jacobus. There are no less than 2500 angry shooters from Kentucky anxious for practice. I think I would take it off. DUH.)

7 If you go, do not turn your nose up at spicy cajun food. If you do, at best you can find something else to eat. At worst, you will be left on your own for food. (There is no organic store here, Jacorey. Just suck it up and eat the beans and rice. Besides, the spice will keep down dysentery.)

6 If you go, do not expect a Kentucky militiaman to loan you a rifle. If you do, at best you might be able to borrow a knife. At worst, since many of the militiamen did not bring there own weapons, there is a short supply. (You just might have to fill a gator’s mouth with cannonballs and powder his behind, Jacque. In fact, Andrew Jackson said, “I don’t understand these guys not bringing their guns. I have never seen a Kentuckian without a gun, a pack of cards, and a bottle of whiskey in my life.”)

5 If you go, do not try to convince everyone that the Treaty of Ghent, which was signed by the British and Americans on December 24, 1814, made the battle unnecessary. If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, General Jackson will order you to go tell the British to stop advancing on New Orleans.  (You are in a fine kettle of fish, Jacques. Unknown to you the British forces have orders to attack in spite of the treaty being signed. So how’s it feel to be in the middle. Yes, those are bullets from both sides.)

4 If you go, do not ask Jean Laffite how his British friends are doing. If you do, at best, Jean will think you are joking. At worst, since he is double-crossing the British, he may take offense. (Jean agreed to help the British and is now helping the Americans, Jacy. So he is not very happy with you for pointing out his relationship with the British. When Jean says to walk the plank, he is not talking about the deck of the ship. Good luck, treading water.)

3 If you go, do not tell the British where their misplaced ladders are located. If you do, at best, it won’t help them. At worst, they will be able to scale the rampart Jackson built to keep the British out of New Orleans. (Old hickory is sure mad at you, Jadon. He had the 1500 yard rampart built to repel the British who lost the ladders needed to do it. I would tell the British you were kidding and don’t know where the ladders are being kept before you alter the outcome of the battle or Jackson has you shot.).

2 If you go, do not question the decision to put New Orleans under martial law. If you do, at best, Jackson won’t hear about it. At worst, General Jackson will personally let you know to mind your own business. (Andrew Jackson felt strongly that without martial law, the city could not be controlled. Yes, your writ of Habeas Corpus has been suspended, Jae. Good luck in solitary on bread and water.)

1 If you go, do not ask for a glass of bourbon on bourbon street. If you do, at best you’ll get some funny looks. At worst, those you ask will know you are not from around here. (French engineer Adrien de Pauger laid out the streets of New Orleans in 1721 and chose one to carry the name of the French royal family ruling at the time, Rue Bourbon, Jafar. It is not named for the drink which wasn’t called Bourbon until the 1850s.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Hormel Party in 1937 Where Canned Meat Spam Got its Name

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

 

On January 1st, 1937, at a party at the Hormel Mansion in Minnesota, a guest wins $100 for naming the new canned meat “Spam.” If you were at that party, you could have won a hundred bucks too. It is still not too late. We can go there but need to have a list to prevent any time continuum tears.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Hormel Mansion Naming Party for Spam

10 If you are at the Hormel mansion, do not snoop in the medicine cabinet in the powder room. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worse, the Hormel’s have a warped sense of humor, and the cabinet door is connected to a siren that alerts everyone of your faux pas. (The big question is Jamar, how do you exit the powder room without being seen since every eye in the place is on the door. That window looks like you could squeeze through.)

9 If you are at the Hormel mansion, do not try to submit two different names in the contest. If you do, at best Tiny, the WWF champ who is in charge of watching the ballot box, will be distracted. At worse, Tiny, who has been given one more chance to prove his worth, will decide to use you as a lesson. (The step over toe hold is nothing, Jareth. Wait until you see the triple body slam. Oh, my mistake. You won’t see it. You’ll just feel it.)

8 If you are at the Hormel Mansion, do not try to take a dip in the pool. If you do, at best, the door to the pool will be locked. At worst, your dive off the board will not end well. (You see, Johnnie. It is 30 degrees below zero in Minnesota right now. I’m sure by now you realize the pool is frozen solid. A little adjustment and your neck will be fine.)

7 If you are at the Hormel  Mansion, do not laugh out loud when the winning name is announced. If you do, at best, Mr. Hormel will not hear you. At worst, you will be heard and then escorted out of the rear door. (You have only yourself to blame, Jermain. I would not advise going back in for your coat. You’ll get used to the temperature. They say it is a dry cold.)

6 If you are at the Hormel mansion, do not turn your nose up when the Spam is passed as an appetizer. If you do, at best, you won’t have an appetizer. At worst, to your surprise, Spam is being served at dinner. (So now there is no way out, Jordon. The fact that you are seated next to Mrs. Hormel will make passing on the Spam real tricky. Who knows? You may like it.)

5 If you are at the Hormel Mansion, do not ask for a Spam ingredient list. If you do, at best, no one has it. At worse, the chief research chef hands you a list of ingredients. (Way to go, Johan. Now you are entering the gastronomic Twilight Zone with eyes wide open. )

4 If you are at the Hormel Mansion, do not offer to whip up a barbeque sauce to go with the Spam. If you do, at best, your host will decline. At worst, your offer will be embraced. (What are you going to do now, Jabarl? Do you know how difficult it is to get a sauce right for ham-like products? You’ll be fortunate if nobody dies.)

3 If you are at the Hormel Mansion, do not wear your Minnesota Vikings football jersey. If you do, At best, no one will catch on. At worst, someone will discover you have a shirt for a team that doesn’t exist. (Since the Vikings were formed in 1961, you are now outed as a time traveler, Jabez. Might be time to leave.)

2 If you are at the Hormel Mansion, do not bring up the fact that Paul Bunyan’s blue ox Babe got its horns tangled in Christmas lights in the parade this Christmas. If you do, at best, people will ignore you. At worst, since this event has been recorded as one of the times Minnesota people want to forget, you’ll get the cold shoulder. (You just committed a social blunder, Jabril. There may not be a way out of it. In fact, here comes Tiny now.)

1 If you are at the Hormel Mansion, do not ask why Fortune magazine highlighted in 1935, St. Paul, as the easiest place to hire a hitman in the US. If you do, at best everyone will think you are telling a joke. At worst, you are asking Leonard Barton a member of the Ma Barker gang, the question. (Well, Jace, it looks like Leonard is wondering why you are asking him. May not have been the best person to approach. Ah, now he is accusing you of being a cop. Time to hit the silk.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Lighting of the First National Christmas Tree at the White House by Calvin Coolidge in 1923

~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do

This week marks the anniversary of the lighting of the first national Christmas tree on the White House grounds by Calvin Coolidge on Christmas Eve in 1923. The tree was a balsam fir from Vermont and stood 48 feet high. It was also the first time electricity was used to light the green and red bulbs. In the spirit of the season, we need to go there and take part in the ceremony. Don’t forget to pack this list. We don’t want any accidents in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Lighting of the First National Christmas Tree in 1923.

10 If you go, do not start singing “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.” If you do, at best, everyone will believe you were overserved with Wassel. At worst, you’ll raise questions about this thing calls “rock.” (Now you’ve done it, Julius. You are singing a song released in 1958 and trust me, brother, you are no Brenda Lee.)

9 If you go, do not ignore the warnings of Tiny, the WWF champ, to stay behind the ropes. If you do, at best, you’ll get a shove that will return you to behind the lines. At worst, Tiny, who missed his last five self-esteem group meetings, will take personal offense that you didn’t listen to him. (Don’t worry, Jamal. Tiny will tire of spinning you above his head and give you a toss. Good thing, there is snow on the ground. Oh, I didn’t see that rock where you landed. That had to have hurt.)

8 If you go, do not mess with the extension cord running from the White House to the tree. If you do, at best only the tree lights will go out. At worst, you will be the cause of the East Coast grid going down. (How embarrassing for Mr. Coolidge. Here he wanted to do something beautiful for the country, and instead, the population is shivering in their dark hovels on Christmas. I couldn’t have invented a more “Grinch stole Christmas” story if I tried, Jon. Thanks.)

7 If you go, do not take more than one sugar cookie. If you do, at best, some others will not want theirs. At worst, you will have eaten a cookie that would have marked the difference between a joyous Christmas and dismal for a sweet child. Wow another story, Joey. You are some muse.)

6 If you go, do not think you can join the Epiphany Church choir in singing Christmas carols. If you do, at best, the numbers will drown you out. At worst, you’ll take a solo part causing multiple shatterings of the White House Waterford crystal. (Talk about not being invited back next year, Jermaine. Mrs. Coolidge is in tears, and Calvin looks like he is going to explode.)

5 If you go, do not forget to take a gift. If you do, at best, no one will notice. At worse, Calvin will let you know that all the presents received are being given to the orphanage. (You might want to run down to the five and dime and pick something up, Jax. No, taking one from the plie just won’t cut it.)

4 If you go, do not remove one of the 2500 bulbs on the tree, thinking it would make a great souvenir. If you do, at best, no one will miss it. At worst, once you remove the bulb, the rest go dark. (This is 1923, Jeffery. Way before the invention of the parallel circuit light string where the others stay lit. )

3 If you go, do not forget to take off your wet boots before traipsing through the White House. If you do, at best, others will too. At worst, the head custodian of the White House will make sure you clean up the mess. (Also, Jefferson, the head custodian, is Tiny’s brother, Bigen. It looks like you will be mopping floors for a very long time.)

2 If you go, do not think you can take an ornament off the inside tree. If you do, at best security will let you put it back. At worst, you will be charged with attempting to steal government property. (Benjamin Harrison was the first to set up a tree in the White House in 1889. You just managed to grab one of the original ornaments, Jarrod. This just may be a capital crime. At least Calvin thinks so.)

1 If you go, do not bring out your “Save the Trees” protest sign. If you do, at best, you’ll get raised eyebrows. At worst, Calvin will ask the Marine Band to play some traveling music while the secret service escorts you to Pennsylvania Avenue. (Nothing like a grand exit, Jules. You certainly will be talked about, especially since you caught your trousers on the iron fence after being tossed over. The hit song Moon over Pennsylvania captured the moment.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Heavier Than Air Aircraft Flight by the Wright Brothers in 1903

~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments
Top Ten Things not to do
1903 Wright Flyer (A19610048000) at the Smithsonian Institution National Air and Space Museum. February 27, 2017. Smithsonian photo by Eric Long (A19610048000.3T8A5583) (NASM2018-10795)

 

December 16th marks the 116th anniversary of the first flight of a self-propelled heavier than air aircraft by the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. We do want to go and witness this major event. I have a list of things to avoid so that we don’t get into any trouble while we are there. So let’s get ready to go.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Flight of an Airplane.

10 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask the Wrights for a special in-flight meal. If you do, at best, you’ll get a confused look. At worst, Orville will think you have a great idea, but the weight of the turkey will prevent the flight from taking off. (You did not have to specify turkey, Jose. A nice cucumber sandwich would have sufficed.)

9 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ignore Tiny the WWF champ and self-appointed flight attendant directions. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t notice. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped the last ten court-ordered anger management sessions, is highly offended. (Well, Jamie. You only have yourself to blame. It appears Tiny wants to see if you bounce when dropped out of a plane at 1000 feet. I think we’d all like to know that too.)

8 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not demand a hotel and meal voucher if your flight gets canceled. If you do, at best, no one will understand what you are talking about. At worst, on top of all their troubles, the Wright brothers will consider you a pest. (Looks like Wilber is coming out of the barn with his trusty shotgun, Jackson. It may be time to try out those new Nike running shoes.)

7 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not shout, “Go Gamecocks.” If you do, at best, everyone will be busy and not hear you. At worst, the crowd will come to a silent halt. (You see, Jake, The Gamecocks are a South Carolina University team, and you are standing in Tar Heels territory, which is North Carolina University space. I see a few men picking up shovels. Best head for the hills.)

6 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not try to check an overweight bag. If you do, at best, it will be refused. At worst, the luggage will be jettisoned once the Wrights are airborne.  (Looks like those Sponge Bob Squarepants boxers are a big hit with the goats, Jude. With everyone else not so much.)

5 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask Wilber if he gives frequent flyer miles. If you do, at best, Wilber will miss the point. At worst, Wilber will issue you credit for the 100 feet before he ejects you from the plane. (You see, Juan. This thing isn’t ready for passenger travel yet no matter what Orville says.)

4 If you are at the first airplane flight, do ask about a Wright Airline club membership. If you do, at best, you’ll get no response. At worst, Wilber will collect a lifetime fee and direct you to the barn. (Quit complaining, Jay. This club is so exclusive you are the only member. Those chickens are interlopers, and I would report them to the management. Free drinks? Sure the pump is right over there.)

3 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask for champaign once you get on the plane. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh from Orville who will think you are joking. At worst, Orville will find it easier to take someone else than to get a bottle of champaign (Well that didn’t end well, Joe. Now you’ll have to beg for a ride.)

2 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask Wilber what time you are arriving at your destination. If you do, at best, Wilber won’t hear you. At worst, Wilber will wonder what happened to your brain. (The first flight lasted 12 seconds and went 120 feet, Jerome. It’s no wonder Wilber thinks you are nuts.)

1 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask which movie is playing. If you do, at best, you’ll get a blank stare. At worst, since Orville and Wilber are serious fellows, they think your question is an insult. (Movies are just becoming popular, Jerry but are seen as frivolous entertainment. These two guys from Ohio are very sensitive. Oh look, they have called the sheriff. It must be time to go.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Wrapping Presents – Redo

~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

Gift wrapping no nos

This post was published in December of 2017. Since history does not lend itself to humor this week, I thought you might enjoy a revisit or a visit for those who missed it.

I always enjoy wrapping presents. I pretty much avoid the “store gift wrap” in favor of the messes I create. I think putting oneself into the process is a way you can show the recipients of the gift that you really care. The inspiration for this post is every year of doing my own. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are gift wrapping, don’t think it’s the thought that counts. If you do, at best, your wrapping will look like you didn’t think at all. At worst, your package will be mistaken for trash and never opened in the first place. (No wonder you didn’t get a thank you, Cassidy.)

9 If you are gift wrapping, do not try to use a fake box with Tiny, the WWF champ who just enrolled in a court-ordered intensive course on how to handle disappointment. If you do at best, you won’t be in the room when Tiny open,s the Tiffany box to find a screwdriver. At worst, although Tiny will do his best to control himself, it may be more than one can expect. (You have been thinking of removing that dining room wall anyway right, Crane?)

8 If you are gift wrapping, do not use seasonally inappropriate paper. If you do, at best, others will think you mentally unstable. At worst, friends and family will gather and determine what to do with you now that you have lost track of time. (Okay, so you wanted to save a few bucks on paper, but Easter wrap was not the way to go, Clive.)

7 If you are gift wrapping, do not forget the nametags. If you do, at best, you’ll remember each gift and who it goes to just by the wrapping. At worst, Uncle Phil will wonder what you are trying to say with the Lady Schick electric razor gift. (You thought for sure that red box was a bottle of bourbon, Cal. I wonder what aunt Helen thinks of it.)

6 If you are gift wrapping, do not forget to measure twice before cutting once. If you do, at best, there is a smaller box that can be wrapped with your mistakes. At worst, you have another trip to the wrapping store to get additional supplies. (Too bad they are all out of Christmas wrap, huh, Cameron? They have plenty of Easter wrap, though.)

5 If you are gift wrapping, do not use the same paper for all the gifts. If you do, someone will recognize it as last year’s $0.99 Target sale item. At worst, your display under the tree will look like the packages were done by Mrs. Jones first grade class. (Why is everyone asking if these gifts are meant for a Toys for Tots donation, Carling?)

4 If you are gift wrapping, do not throw away the return receipts. If you do, at best all your gifts will be perfect. At worst, those gifts that were a little off the mark will show up next year. (You could have sworn you gave this scarf to your cousin last year, huh, Carmichael?)

3 If you are gift wrapping, do not think more scotch tape will solve sloppy wrapping. If you do, at best, your recipients will have a scissor handy to cut through. At worst, you’ll get calls about paper cuts and tape in kid’s hair. (Maybe taking more time would have been a good idea, Carver.)

2 If you are gift wrapping, do not try to create what you are not qualified to design. If you do, at best yours will be the last one opened. At worst, your package will end up looking like a bizarre thing that should soak in water before being disarmed. (Gotta wonder why your brother-in-law called the bomb squad. That grenade on top was a dummy right, Caster?)

1 If you are gift wrapping, do not think a bunch of sparkling confetti in the box will be well received. If you do, at best, the recipient will be kind and not shoot you. At worst, the gift is opened on the new white living room carpet. (You just know that stuff will be there until next year, don’t you, Chadwick?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Text Message Sent in 1992

~ John W. Howell ~ 67 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

This week on December 3rd marks the 28th anniversary of the first text message sent in 1992. A test engineer for Sema Group sent the world’s first text message, using a personal computer and the Vodafone network. Engineer Neil Papworth sent the first SMS on December 3rd, 1992, when he wrote “Merry Christmas” on a computer and sent it to the cellphone of Vodafone director Richard Jarvis. Since this event has changed the way we communicate, it might be helpful to time travel and visit the scene. I have developed a list so that we don’t make any mistakes that could put a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Text Message Sent in 1992

10 If you are there, do not suggest to the engineer that a smiley face at the end of his message might be well received. If you do, at best, he will thank you but send the message without it. At worst, he will stop the message and try to figure out how to make a smiley face on the keyboard. (Well done, Jussi. You slowed the progress of the SMS world. Although the smiley face has been around since 1963, it took the engineer two weeks to figure out: :-). He also had a nervous breakdown.)

9 If you are there, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ and head of security to check his cell phone for messages. If you do, at best, Tiny will not understand you. At worst, Tiny, who missed his personal development support group meeting, will feel left out since he has no messages. (The problem is, Justice, when Tiny feels left out, he wants to hug someone tightly. It looks like you are the one. Yes, that might be the sound of bones breaking that you are hearing.)

8 If you are there, do not suggest to the engineer a number of shortcuts to messaging communication. If you do, at best, he will be too busy to pay attention to you. At worst, your netspeak suggestions will give him a migraine. (It appears the engineer had to go home, Justyn. Your LMAO, ROTFL, OMG, and BFF sent him over the edge. He can’t imagine that his idea will end up in such a way.)

7 If you are there, do not suggest to the engineer that he might be better understood if he uses all caps in his message. If you do, at best, the engineer knows better. At worst, he will send a message that looks like he is yelling. (A funny thing about yelling at a director, Jacob is they usually don’t like it. It looks like the engineer wants to talk with you. If you ask me he has a bizarre look in his eye.)

6 If you are there, do not try to explain hashtags. If you do, at best, the engineer will fall asleep. At worst, the engineer will keep asking, “Why.” (You will never get to the bottom of the “Whys,” Joseph. And really #whynot will not work.)

5 If you are there, do not try to convince the engineer that life would be easier if he did group texts. If you do, at best, the engineer will wait before he sends his first group text. At worst, the engineer will send out a group text to the wrong group. (Well, Justin. It looks like you need to help the engineer explain to the group of senior citizens what he meant by “Let’s get naked, which was intended for his nudist friends.)

4 If you are there, do not suggest to the engineer that he should invent something that will autocorrect misspellings in texts. If you do, at best, he’ll do a better job. At worst, the engineer writes a special program that has the effect of turning all four-letter words into NSFW messages. (Wow, Josiah. You are solely responsible for the engineer having to go into a witness protection program.)

3 If you are there, do not show the engineer how easy it might be to take a picture of your dinner and send it to all his friends.  If you do, at best, the engineer will think it foolish. At worst, the engineer will like the concept and begin texting pictures of his math calculations. (The engineer’s boss finally laid down the law, Jeremiah. The engineer has been banned from texting period. You must be proud.)

2 If you are there, do not warn the engineer that sometimes people will send the wrong text to the wrong person. If you do, at best, the engineer is a pragmatist and will accept the idea as natural. At worst, the engineer is a Type A obsessive-compulsive and will want to build a program to prevent such a mistake. (Congratulations, Julian. You are solely responsible for a ten-step verification protocol ensuring that the sender has indeed checked to see the message is going to the intended receiver. Also, you have personally killed the text message vehicle of communication.)

1 If you are there, do not ask to use the engineer’s computer to ask his assistant for a date. If you do, at best, he’ll not let you. At worst, he will allow you to use the computer and the assistant turned you into the police as a stalker. (You see, Jared. Such important messages should be done in person and not from behind a computer screen. Don’t worry many have made the same mistake. They were not the first, however.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the George Washington Proclamation of Thanksgiving in 1789

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

George Washington

George Washington proclaimed November 25th as a day of Thanksgiving in honor of the new constitution. This day has been used to eventually set Thanksgiving as the last Thursday in November. Although the first Thanksgiving might have been held with the pilgrims and native Americans much earlier, it was George who really established the date. As a side note of interest, it wasn’t until 1863 that a national day of thanksgiving was held. I’m sure you would like to go to George’s house and help him and Martha celebrate the day. Here is a list of things not to do so that we can keep history intact.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the George Washington Proclamation of Thanksgiving in 1789.

10 If you go to George’s place, do not bring a box of Stove Top stuffing as your contribution to the dinner. If you do, at best, no one will know what it is. At worst, someone may feed it to the horses. (Now you have a problem, Josephe. George wants to know who brought the stuff that gave his horses the colic)

9 If you go to George’s place, do not hand Tiny the WWF champ a dollar for holding the door for you. If you do, at best, Tiny will need the money. At worst, Tiny just left his self-esteem discussion group and believes he is a close friend of George Washington. (So now you have made Tiny feel like the help, Josue. Don’t worry that step over toe hold never works to take off the toe. Of course, there is always the first time.)

8 If you go to George’s place, do not suggest a game of monopoly after dinner. If you do, at best you’ll get some stares. At worst, George will think it a fun idea. (Now you have to construct the whole game out of paper and a quill pen, Jourdan. Good luck making the tokens.)

7 If you go to George’s place, do not bring up politics as a dinner discussion item. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, you’ll pick a fight with Aaron Burr. (The instructions are correct, Jovan. You walk 25 paces, turn and fire. Yes, I think Aaron has done this before.)

6 If you go to George’s place, do not tell George the turkey is tough when he asks. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, he’ll hand you a musket. (He is politely suggesting you go out and shoot your own turkey, Jozsef. Maybe next time you’ll just say it is excellent.)

5 If you go to George’s place, do not suggest to Martha that the sweet potatoes would be better with marshmallow bits. If you do, at best, Martha will be too busy to hear you. At worst, Martha will think your suggestion is a good one and hand you a ten-pound bag of sweet potatoes. (Well now you are in a pickle, Judd. You need to figure out how to do sweet potatoes and make marshmallow bits.)

4 If you go to George’s house, do not ask for Jellied cranberry sauce. If you do, at best, you have created a discussion topic. At worst, the chef just reached the end of his rope. (Seems there have been several menu changes, Julito. Yours is the straw that broke the camel’s back. That knife looks pretty big from here. I think a good before dinner run is in order.)

3 If you go to George’s house, do not decide to give a toast to the new constitution. If you do, at best, there will be too many in line before you. At worst, George will ask you about one of the articles. (So as a product of public education, Jullien, have you ever read the constitution, let alone know what is in the section? I thought not. Just say you need the outhouse and be gone.)

2 If you go to George’s house, do not stare at George’s teeth. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are looking at something else. At worst, he will catch on. (So now that you have made your host uncomfortable, Junien. I think you better cut your losses by saying something like, “Are those mahoganies?” Or I guess you could say you were looking at his nose. Either way, I hope you have a horse standing by.)

1 If you go to George’s house, do not ask if you can try on a powdered wig. If you do, at best, you’ll be told no. At worst, someone will plop a wig on your head. (Lucky you, Jurgen. You are now wearing the lice and bedbug infected wig that remained after the last redcoat left Washington. Maybe setting your hair on fire will save you. In any case, you have got to find some alcohol fast.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of Microsoft Windows 1.0 in 1981

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

 

This week marks the 38th anniversary of the launch of Microsoft Windows 1.0 in 1981. Most of us were around for this event but probably didn’t pay attention to it when it happened. So let’s go back now that we have the knowledge of what Windows became and view the historic occasion. I have made a list of the Top Ten things not to do as we take a time trip. We wouldn’t want to disrupt the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of Microsoft Windows 1.0 in 1981.

10 If you go to the launch, do not ask to see the view from the windows. If you do, at best, you’ll get a blank stare. At worst, Bill Gates will call security since you obviously don’t belong here. (Now you’ve done it, Jody. You’ve drawn attention to yourself by cracking the most inane joke of the day. Here come the guards. Might be time to leave.)

9 If you go to the launch, do not try to take the mouse from Tiny, the WWF wrestling champ. If you do, at best, Tiny will be finished playing Pong and will give it to you. At worst, Tiny, who has not attended his sharing group session for three weeks, is just not in the mood to give up the mouse. (You can do one of two things, Johann. 1. Walk away. 2. Find out what it is like to be slammed to the floor and held down for the count of three. Yeah, walking is a good choice.)

8 If you go to the launch, do not ask how to get on the web. If you do, at best, folks will think you a strange lover of spiders. At worst, you’ll try to explain the worldwide web when public access is ten years away. (Some of the people think you are brilliant, Johnn. Most think you are totally nuts. I think it might be time to go.)

7 If you go to the launch, do not ask about Microsoft Word. If you do, at, best, no one will hear you. At worst, Bill Gates will become apoplectic since Word is a top-secret project scheduled for launch in 1983. (Those big guys making their way toward you, Jonn are Gates security men and they want to have a talk with you. They are thinking of rubber hoses and a water tank. Good luck with that.)

6 If you go to the launch, do not sing the song Cherish by Kool and the Gang thinking you’ll fit in. If you do, at best you’ll have a good voice. At worst, since the song did not become popular until 1985, a Hollywood type wants to sign you to a recording contract. ( So what are you going to do now, Jordain? We have a serious continuum tear possibility here. if you accept that $100,000 advance.)

5 If you go to the launch, do not discuss the sequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you do, at best, you can always say you were kidding. At worst, people will get the idea that you are not from around there. (There are so many scientists here that you may not be able to explain your way out of your time travel situation, Jordy. Best to hit the way back button)

4 If you go to the launch, do not ask Bill Gates’ date if she would like a ride in your Volkswagon Vanagon. If you do, at best, she’ll ignore you. At worst, she will think you are a nutcase. (You see you may think the Vanagon is cool, Jorg, but in the day there was a definite hippy vibe around it. It looks like Bill has a problem with the freestyle kind of life. Yes, those are police.)

3 If you go to the launch, do not order a Bud Light at the bar. If you do, at best, the bartender will be confused, and you can say, Miller Lite. At worst, since Bud Light was introduced a year later, suspicions will rise. (Most have been looking at you with some skepticism, Jorian, this might be the last straw. Yes, the police have been called.)

2 If you go to the launch, do not pull out a package of Nerds candy. If you do, at best, folks will like them. At worst, someone will ask where to buy Nerds. (Nerds were introduced in 1983, so you may have some trouble telling folks where to get them, Jory. Just tell them these are imported from England. Worked for Skittles.)

1 If you go to the launch, do not wear your Apple watch. If you do, at best people will think it’s a toy. At worst, Bill Gates will want one. (Just how are you going to convince Steve Jobs that he ought to make one for Bill, huh, Joselito? I think you are in a real pickle

Ten Things Not to Do If You Have a Disruptive Neighbor

~ John W. Howell ~ 38 Comments

Top Ten Not to Do

 

I have listened to folks complain about their neighbors. Most of them would like a violent end to the misery.  So I developed this list, which might be helpful in avoiding any unpleasantness when it comes to dealing with the situation. Also, this week in history is all about who won elections, so maybe this diversion will be welcome.

Ten Things Not to Do If You Have a Disruptive Neighbor.

10 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not try to out disrupt them. If you do, at best, they’ll take your action as a compliment. At worst, they will step up their disruptiveness as a one-up game. (That horn you blew at 2:00 a.m.seems tame compared to the explosion your neighbor set off at 3:00 huh, Jerrold?)

9 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not hire Tiny the WWF champ to go and talk some sense into them. If you do, at best, your neighbor and Tiny will only talk. At worst, Tiny, who was just released from his anger management treatment, will take offense to your neighbor’s insults. (I hope you are prepared to explain that pile of rubble where your neighbor’s house used to be, Jervis. I can see the sheriff pulling into your driveway.)

8 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not think playing the noise coming from their house you recorded will have an effect on them. If you do, at best, they will ignore it. At worst, you will have given them an idea. (I hope you like those noise recordings that play 24/7, Jerzy. I know I like Judis Priest’s music at 4:00 a.m.)

7 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not call the police unless they are doing something illegal. If you do, at best, the police will not show up. At worst, the police will give you a ticket for filing a false complaint. (Looks like the minute the police arrived, Jesstin, the neighbors caught a case of the quiets. Now you have really made some friends.)

6 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not run your lawnmower at dawn. If you do, at best, your neighbor doesn’t mind lawnmowing. At worst your neighbor works the graveyard shift and isn’t home. (So there you are, Jestin, lawn all done and your nice new property owner’s association fine for excessive noise.)

5 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not install 25 windchimes in your yard. If you do, at best, your neighbor likes them and installs 26 in his. At worst, you and your family are driven to a deep psychotic break down due to the tinkle of the chimes. (On top of that, Jiri, your Feng Shui is all messed up due to the cacophony of sounds. No wonder you are off-balance)

4 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not set up a giant stage and advertise your place as the next Woodstock. If you do, at best, you may actually go down in history as Woodstock II. At worst, you’ll have a bunch of drunken rockers in your back yard. (The bad news is, Jiro, your neighbors are leading the charge.)

3 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not sign them up for massive amounts of junk mail. If you do, at best, they don’t read their mail anyway. At worst, because of all the junk mail they receive, they are the winners of the $5000.00 a week for life give-a-way. (Lucky you, Joakim, they just bought a new sound system with six speakers on the outside.)

2 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not send all the door to door solicitors to your neighbor’s house with a promise that your neighbor loves whatever the solicitor is offering. If you do, at best, your neighbor won’t catch on. At worst, your neighbor will place orders with each solicitor in your name. (Some of the stuff you can use, Jody, but that week retreat with the sons of Satan may be a problem.)

1 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not plant a for sale sign in their front yard. If you do, at best they’ll never see it. At worst, a drop in looker gives them cash for their house. (Yes you got rid of them, Jobe, but check out to whom they sold the place. We don’t know them but the adult bull elephant in the back yard might be a tip-off that you are now worse off.)

Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text

~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

Top Ten Things not to do

 

Since the historical picture looks a little light on humor, I decided I would make a top ten list that I have wanted to do for a while. I hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text

by John W. Howell ©2019

10 If you are texting, do not say, “Will you marry me?” If you do, at best, your intended’s battery has failed. At worst, your reply with being a short and sweet “Kiss off.” (You see, Jayyed, the idea of marriage is a serious thing. Your casual approach does not instill confidence that you would make a right partner.)

9 If you are texting, do not say “yes” to Tiny the WWF champ when he wants to buy you a couple of rounds. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t be able to find you. At worst, when you meet Tiny at the gym, you suddenly understand that he wasn’t talking about drinks. (Well, here you are, Jedd. I think I would lay back during the rounds and try not to break any bones.)

8 If you are texting, do not tell someone that a family member has passed. If you do, at best, your battery will die. At worst, the news will not be taken well. (So now you are responsible for another mental break down, Jedidiah. It’s no wonder they are not speaking to you anymore.)

7 If you are texting, do not tell someone you are breaking up with them. If you do, at best, they didn’t like you anyway. At worst, you now have a life long enemy. (Way to go, Jennis. This could have gone so much better face to face. How did that boiling bunny get on your stove anyway?)

6 If you are texting, do not answer the text and photo that asks, “How do I look in this.” If you do, at best, you’ll say “great.” At worst, you’ll try and be helpful. (Admitting that hat looked ridiculous has just earned you a cold night in the dog house, Jensen. You see, that was the favorite  pick.)

5 If you are testing, do not send an “I’m mad at you” text. If you do, at best, the recipient will turn off their phone. At worst, the recipient will become very defensive. (So how are you going to patch this up, Jeremias? You weren’t all that angry in the first place, and now you have WWIII on your hands.)

4 If you are texting, do not ask the question, “What do you like about me?” If you do, at best, the response will be something you like. At worst, the answer will be something like, “You have a great personality.” (What did you expect, Jerett? This is not the kind of question to put in a text. You are lucky you didn’t get a compliment on your deodorant.)

3 If you are testing, do not send a text asking where the relationship is going. If you do, at best, the recipient will call you. At worst, you might get a reply like, “To Milwaukee.” (Well, I guess you could have predicted that response, Jerico. What did you want the person to say in a text message? HUH? Dope.)

2 If you are texting, do not send a message with the words “I love you” for the very first time. If you do, at best, the recipient will think you are drunk. At worst, the recipient will get the idea you cannot face commitment in person. (That was a lousy idea, Jerren. Let’s hope an in-person statement will undo the damage. You are a bit of a clod, though.)

1 If you are testing, don’t send a message that has drama around it like, “Where were you last night?”. If you do, at best, the recipient will delete it. At worst, you’ll get a response that you won’t like. ( “I was out with Bill,” is something you didn’t expect, huh, Jerrick? I guess that will learn ya.)