Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Parachute Jump in 1797

October 21, 2019October 20, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

First parachute jump

This week marks the anniversary of the first successful parachute descent is made by Andre-Jacqes Garnerin, who jumps from a balloon at some 2,200 feet over Paris in 1797. There are two reasons we have to go there. 1. Tiny already caught a time capsule there. 2. Andrew Joyce, the very talented writer, and history buff had me tied up in his garage until I agreed to do a post on the jump. So for us not to make a mistake that could cause a tear in the time continuum and so that I don’t end up back in Andrew’s garage, here is a list of ten things not to do when we go there.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Parachute Jump in 1797.

10 If you go to the jump, do not ask Andre-Jacqes if you can go tandem. If you do, at best, he’ll laugh you off. At worst, he will think you are trying to steal his thunder. (That glove slap to the face means you better start practicing your swordsmanship, Jarl. Of course, you could pray he forgets about it. Likely? Not.)

9 If you go to the jump, do not try to convince Tiny the WWF champ that you can take over holding his balloon tie-down ropes. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t understand your request. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped the last seven anger management group sessions, will not give you the rope without a fight. (You better worry about that rope around your ankle, Jarrad. Your weight isn’t enough to keep the balloon on the ground. So as you dangle from one leg at 2000 feet, you might contemplate this. Does Tiny really know how to tie a knot that holds?)

8 If you go to the jump, do not start taking bets on whether or not old Andre-Jacqes will make it. If you do, at best, Andre-Jacqes will not find out about it. At worst, Andre-Jacques’ brother will make a bet that he won’t. (Now you’ve caused a family incident, Jarran. Here comes Andre-Jacques now. I see he has a glove in his hand. Might be time to go.)

7 If you go to the jump, do not offer to pack Andre-Jacqes’ chute. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. At worst, he’ll let you do it. (Funny how that thing looked like a trail of smoke when he let go of the balloon, Jarrell. The sad thing, it never opened. Oh, well, there is always next time.)

6 If you go to the jump, do not ask Andre-Jacqes to unfold your sweetheart proposal flag on the way down. If you do, at best, he’ll say no. At worst, he’ll agree. (Just your luck, Jase. There are at least four women in the spectator area named Noelle. Good luck on the breach of promise lawsuits not to mention the father’s blunderbusses)

5 If you go to the jump, do not ask the balloon pilot if he knows the color of his balloon. If you do, at best he will be too busy to answer. At worst, he’ll think you are making a joke about his balloon. (As you may know, Jaspar, Frenchmen do not take lightly jokes by Americans. I don’t think this one gets it for sure.)

4 If you go to the jump, do not try to get Andre-Jacqes to yell Geronimo when he jumps out of the balloon. If you do, at best, he’ll have no idea what you are talking about. At worst, he too will think you are joking, Jaxon. Don’t look now, but that guy in the top hat is the second coming to ask which weapon you would like to use. Here’s a hit. Tell him death by pillows.)

3 If you go to the jump, do not suggest that Andre-Jacqes should have his parachute made out of silk by Hermes. If you do, at best, he will assume you don’t know what you are talking about. At worse, he will place an order for the parachute. ( Now you are in a pickle, Jaydee. You weren’t aware that Hermes was founded in 1837. How you going to deliver a parachute tomorrow when the manufacturer won’t be in business for 40 years? You got any silkworms?)

2 If you go to the jump, do not ask Andre-Jacqes to wear your Go Lafayette sweatshirt for the stunt. If you do, at best he’ll decline. At worst, he will accept your gift. (Given the amount of angst around the support of the American revolution that shirt could cause a definite crowd reaction, Jayme. I’m not talking positive either. Can you say Guillotine?)

1 If you go to the jump, do not ask for an order of french fries at the local food tent. If you do, at best, you’ll have a thicker potato that’s been fried. At worst, the order taker won’t understand you and will alert the chef. (Here we go, Jayson. You got the big guy with the butcher knife all hot and bothered. I would hit the road if I were you.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Laying of the White House Cornerstone in 1792

October 14, 2019October 20, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

Yes, this week marks the anniversary of the laying of the cornerstone of the White House by George Washington in 1792. I’m sure you want to be there, but before you go, take this list and maybe avoid making social or time travel mistakes.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Laying of the Cornerstone of the White House in 1792

10 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not think the silver trowel is a souvenir. If you do, at best, a kindly George Washington will ask you to put it back. At worst, the Navy men in attendance who are also celebrating the founding of the Navy will help you put it back. (It seems as if those Navy boys have had a little too much rum, Jakome. They are serious about your yardarm swing.)

9 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not sit in Tiny the WWF champ’s seat. If you do, at best, he will find another. At worst, Tiny, who missed his Anger Management support group that morning, will not be able to control himself. (If you can hold on for another minute, Jalen, Tiny will grow tired of spinning you around above his head. Of course, your landing after that helicopter experience might be a little rough.)

8 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not carry a sign that says, “Federalists Suck.” If you do, at best, the Federalists will think you are joking. At worst, It will be assumed that you do not support the constitution. ( You’ve done it now, Jamael. You have all those burley revolutionary veterans ready to run you out of town. )

7 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask Alexander Hamilton for tickets to his show. If you do, at best, he’ll wonder what show? At worst, he’ll have Aaron Burr meet you at dawn. ( Do not go through with the duel, Jamison. That guy knows his way around a flintlock. I’ll bet you have much to learn.)

6 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask Washington what he thinks of “the wall.” If you do, at best, he’ll talk about clearing rocks out of the fields at Mount Vernon. At worst, when you describe what you are asking, he will have you committed. (You knew that that was a non-subject, Jamshid. Gotta wonder why you would go there?)

5 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not expect to find a Starbucks right next door. If you do, at best you can handle disappointment. At worst, your caffeine cravings will get the best of you. (There was no reason to yell at that sweet old lady when she couldn’t tell you where the nearest Starbucks was, Jantzen. Now you have that big soldier over there looking crossly at you.)

4 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask for directions to the Washington monument. If you do, at best, someone will point to George. At worst, whoever you ask will begin to suspect you are not from around there. (Since the monument was not started until 1848, Janyd, you are going to gather a crowd who may not like your story of time travel.)

3 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask about the Secret Service protecting the President. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, you might be asked why you think the President needs protecting? (Since the Secret Service was not established until 1865, Japhet those police officers are wondering why you are so concerned. Maybe time to leave.)

2 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask the architect why he forgot a fence? If you do, at best he’ll tell you there is no need since the President doesn’t keep cows. At worst, the idea will get passed around, and someone will suggest one be put in. (In effect you caused a time tear, Jarah since Thomas Jefferson helped build one in 1801)

1 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not offer to help carry the stone. If you do, at best, it will arrive in one piece. At worst, it was a little heavier than you thought, and now it is laying in two chunks on the ground. (Yeah, I would say it is time to run not walk to the time machine, Jari. I think your work is done here plus there about 200folks who would love to wring your neck.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Live Radio Broadcast of a Football Game in 1921

October 7, 2019October 6, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

This week marks the anniversary of the first live radio broadcast of a football game in 1921. The game was played at Forbes Field in Pittsburgh. The announcer was Harold W. Arlin of radio station KDKA. The University of Pittsburgh Panthers beat the West Virginia University Mountaineers by a score of 21 to 13. (Not much has changed there. This rivalry began in 1895, and so far, the University of Pittsburgh has won the meeting more times than West Virginia University. It is called the Back Yard Brawl since the two schools are only 70 miles from each other.) I think we ought to go to the game rater than listen on the radio. Well, bring the radio along too. It might be fun to see how close the announcer describes the real action. As usual, there are rules to follow, so we don’t create a tear in the time continuum. Take this list with you.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Live Radio Broadcast of a Football Game.

10 If you are at the game, do not think you can listen to the broadcast on streaming audio via iHeart Radio. If you do, at best those around you will be too interested in the game to notice your cell phone. At worst, the usher will spot your phone and ask you to follow him. (For heaven sakes, Jacquez don’t go. You really want to explain that you are from the year 2019? There will be a padded room reserved for you.)

9 If you are at the game, do not tell Tiny the WWF Champ and hot dog vendor that his hot dogs are old. If you do, at best he will think you said cold and will laugh at the joke. At worst, Tiny who just left his self-esteem support group will think you are criticizing him. (No matter what you say, Jad you are in for an overhead pinwheel and body toss just as if you were in the ring. The landing on the bleachers, however, is not going to be as soft as the ring.)

8 If you are at the game, do not wear your Mountaineer coon-skin cap while sitting in the Pitt section. If you do, at best a kindly person behind you will ask you to remove it. At worst a not so kindly person behind you will remove it. (There you have it, Jadrein. Your hat is back and filled with who knows what liquid. No, don’t drink out of your hat you idiot. You have no idea what that is even though it looks like beer.)

7 If you are at the game, do not suggest to the fans to burn a sofa when they get home to Morgantown. If you do, at best WVU is ahead at the time. At worst, the fan will think you are a Pitt fan. (You see, Jael WVU fans only burn sofas when they win. That big guy with the red eyes and WVU shirt thinks you are mocking him.)

6 If you are at the game, do not suggest to the Pitt fans that the game be played next year in Morgantown. If you do, at best they will laugh at your joke. At worst, they will think you are a WVU fan. (The first game of the rivalry was not played in Morgantown until 1963. Is it any wonder these Pitt fans are now crowd surfing you to the exit, Jafari?)

5 If you are at the game, do not bring your Mountaineer musket into the stands. If you do, at best most of the fans will clear out. At worst, you will come face to face with several Pitt fans all dressed as panthers. (What are you going to do now, Jagmeet. The way they are growling they seem to be serious.)

4 If you are at the game, do not tease Roc the panther. If you do, at best Roc will be used to it. At worst, Roc has made up his mind to bite the twelveth person who teases him. (Not so good news, Jahi. The eleventh just left.)

3 If you are at the game, do not sing the WVU fight song if you don’t know the words. If you do, at best the noise will drown you out. At worst, your fellow WVU fans will come to the realization you are different. ( Lucky for you, Jahnu you now get to see the game from the parking lot.)

2 If you are at the game, do not try to find a plug for that old Philco radio. If you do, at best you burn a lot of calories. At worst, someone will eventually come to believe you sole the radio. (Hauling it up and down the stadium stairs made you look very much out of place, Jair. Maybe you should just park it in the clubhouse. Wait, there’s a plug.)

1 If you are at the game, do not start quoting stats of the various players. If you do, at best people will move away from you. At worst, they will think you are from a different planet. (In the 20’s hardly anyone paid attention to the stats, Jaison. It was a matter of win or lose. All those yards gained rushing and passing as well as turnovers were blurred by actually watching the game instead of a talking head.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Hot Air Balloon Launch in 1783

September 16, 2019September 22, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

This week marks the anniversary of the first hot air balloon launch in Versailles, France in 1783. Since this was the beginning of man’s desire to fly, you must go. Please take this list with you to avoid an incident with the French (challenging to do) or to create a time continuum disruption that could be catastrophic.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Hot Air Baloon Launch in 1783.

10 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not try to buy a ticket. If you do, at best you will be told no. At worst, the head guy will inform you this trip is for animals only. (Do not give in to the temptation to moo like a cow, Javier. The first animals on the trip were a sheep, a rooster, and a duck.)

9 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ for a selfie with you. If you do, at best Tiny will think you are kidding. At worst, Tiny who just left his anti-witchcraft support group will think you are trying to take his soul. (I’m not saying Tiny is superstitious, but I’m not sure that phone is going to survive a foot stomp and water bath, Jagger. Also, Tiny has the same thing in mind for you.)

8 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not attempt to communicate in French. If you do, at best, no one will acknowledge that you are understood. At worst, you will give yourself away with your obnoxious American accent. (Now you’ve done it, Jessie. These folks are going to want to know how you got here and why your damn revolution got started in the first place. Please don’t say, “Je ne sais pas.” You’ll just make it worse.

7 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not admire the Palace of Versailles in front of the mob. If you do, at best most will not hear you. At worst, you happen to make your comments to Robespierre and his friends. (If you will recall, Jorge the French Revolution began in 1789 just five years from now. These Robespierre heavies look like bad hombre’s. Let’s just hope you are back home in 1789.)

6 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not make jokes about where the French get all their hot air. If you do, at best you’ll get a couple of laughs. At worst, the guys in charge of heating the air will put you on wood chopping duty. (You have to admit it, Joaquin. Life was more comfortable before all the hot air jokes. That ten-pound ax sure gets its name honestly huh?)

5 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not order a waffle from the breakfast cafe. If you do, at best no one will know what you are saying. At worst, the cafe owner will be horrified and call the gendarmes. (You see, Jimmy when you ordered a gaufre (or waffle in French) your accent was so bad the owner though you had requested a gopher. Either way anything but bread and coffee is thought to be uncivilized.)

4 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not ask the balloon owner how much he paid for the balloon. If you do, at best, he will walk away. At worst, he will take you for an ugly American and tell you to mind your business. (Then the crowd will wonder who you are, Johnny and will start to figure out you are an alien. Time to hit the wayback machine.)

3 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not make comments about the snails being served for lunch. If you do, at best someone will take yours. At worst, those in attendance will wonder where you are from and how come you have no been raised right. (Couple that with your accent, Jonas and you might earn a ticket to the guillotine testing facility.)

2 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not do a lot of smiling at people. If you do, at best some will think you have gas, At worst, most of the French will assume you are an ax murderer. (Yeah, the French don’t smile much to strangers, Julien. You are making them uncomfortable a feeling they will want to reciprocate.)

1 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not comment on the inclement weather. If you do, at best you’ll get a whats new shrug. At worst, several folks you meet will ask you to do something about it. (This is a new one, Jim. I hope you are prepared to produce miracles.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator

September 9, 2019September 15, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 93 Comments

The inspiration for this post came as a result of thinking hard about the Top Tens that have already been done. Since history was a little less funny this week I decided to do this since it hasn’t been done before.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator

10 If you are in an elevator after inspecting the inspection document, do not mention that the inspection date is overdue. If you do, at best you have already reached the ground floor. At worst, you are on an express that has 50 levels to go. (Well, you lucked out, Jack. No one on the elevator has a bucket of tar and a feather pillow.)

9 If you are on an elevator, do not stand too close to Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best Tiny is bust worrying about the creaking cable. At worst, Tiny, who just left his OCD workshop, has decided his personal space needs to be enlarged. (Yes, Jeremy Tiny is suggesting that you get off at the next stop. I would take the hint which is far better than a full helicopter spin toss-off.)

8 If you are on an elevator, do not think of the big gulp soda you just had before getting on. If you do, at best, you only have a few floors. At worst, the downward motion of the elevator will give you a challenge. (It is not up to me to say, Joel but finishing your tour of the Empire Stae building with a 32 oz soda might not have been a genius move. Have faith only 100 floors to go. Yeah, that swishing sound does remind me of running water.)

7 If you are on an elevator, do not open that container of take out garlic chicken. If you do, at best everyone in the elevator has had garlic for lunch. At worst, your lunch will be a feature on the evening news. (That report about the hazmat emergency in your building was a source of embarrassment huh, Jesse? That photo of you being booked as a chemical warfare terrorist was especially unflattering. I don’t think orange is your color.)

6 If you are on an elevator, do not think you can make room for those giant packages from Ikea. If you do, at best everyone will get off. At worst, the four people who were bumped and bruised all have excellent lawyers. ( Might be more comfortable to settle out of court, Jeffrey. Those four plaintiffs have formed a class action suit against you. The one with the black eye seems the most unforgiving of all. The others not so much.)

5 If you are on an elevator, remind everyone that your pet lion is friendly. If you do, at best one or two may pet it. At worst, the first roar may cause a mass evacuation. ( And even a few might get off, Judah. Please give everyone else your card and the name of your cleaner.)

4 If you are on an elevator, do not hum a song. If you do, at best everyone has earbuds and won’t hear you. At worst, the occupants will consider you psychotic. (You must wonder why you only made it to the first stop, Jasper. The vigilantes declared you unfit for a further ride. Don’t worry, another will be along shortly. This time stay quiet.)

3 If you are on an elevator, do not look at anyone. If you do, at best they will be looking at their shoes and miss the connection. At worst, you’ll make eye contact with that big guy in the back. (Now you’ve done it, Jonah. That big guy needs to ask someone if they can spare $5.00 for a train ride back to Connecticut. All you have is a ten? Maybe he will make change.)

2 If you are on an elevator, do not continue your cell phone call. If you do, at best everyone will be interested in how you know Taylor Swift. At worst, the most annoyed may just take your phone from you. (I think if you ask nicely, they’ll give it back, Josh. Ooops my bad. Looks like you might need a new one.)

1 If you are on an elevator, do not practice emergency procedures in case the cables break. If you do, at best you’ll be tossed after thirty seconds. At worst, the rest of the occupants will start jumping up and down to try and time hitting bottom in the up position. (As luck would have it, Jaden the cable does break under the weight of twenty folks jumping up and down. Don’t worry, there is an automatic brake system. Well, there should be an automatic brake.)

Top ten Things Not to Do at the Start of a New American Football Season

August 26, 2019August 25, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

Yes, it’s true. We are beginning the pre-game season. I thought I would put together a list that will hopefully lead to a more enjoyable season for all. (Notice I labeled it American football in deference to the name the rest of the world calls soccer)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Start of a New American Football Season

10 At the start of the football season, do not try to change entertainment providers. If you do, at best you’ll have a sports bar close. At worse, you will be hanging aluminum foil off a shirt hanger trying to pick up tonight’s game. (We all know that no matter how you hate your current provider, Isa the new one won’t work for at least 30 days.)

9 At the start of the football season, do not try to hire Tiny the WWF champ to do your yard work so you can watch the game. If you do, at best he’ll come on Tuesdays. At worse, he will show up on Saturday and will have his broad nose pressed against your window to see the game. (By the way, Islam Tiny just left his separation anxiety group therapy session, and this is no time to tell him t get lost.)

8 At the start of the football season, do not try some tricky recipes for game day. If you do, at best there still is Pizza hut. At worst, you will know your goose liver pate is being seen as meatloaf when someone asks for catsup. (You should have never tried, Istvan. Your friends would have sooner had meatloaf.)

7 At the start of the football season, do not vow to beat the Jones’ with an elaborate tailgate scheme. If you do, at best the Jones’ won’t show up. At worst, Jones has hired an eighteen-wheeler. (To make matters even worse, Ivey the thing is fully furnished including a hot tub, kitchen and a Garth Brooks live performance.)

6 At the start of the football season, do not join the One Hundred dollar squares game at work. If you do, at best you will only have spent $100.00. At worst, you didn’t read the fine print and you are expected to anti $100.00 a week. (Don’t worry, Ixon. That guy with the big nose and muscles isn’t all that bad once you pay up. He may even buy you a beer.)

5 At the start of the football season, do not insist on wearing your team jersey to work on Friday. If you do, at best, your team is very popular with your fellow workers. At worse, your team is playing your bosses’ alma mater this week. (The boss does not look amused, Izod. I think you had better explain that you lost a bet and your team is really the bosses’ team. The boss is not going to buy it, but at least you have plausible deniability, especially if the bosses’ team loses.)

4 At the start of the football season, do not quote every single statistic about every single player during lunch. If you do, at best everyone will be engaged in other discussions. At worse, sooner or later someone will ask you if you would like a big cup of shut the f–k up. (Now you know you need to be quiet, James. Otherwise, you will know what it is like to eat your lunch all by yourself.)

3 At the start of the football season, do not go shopping for a giant screen TV. If you do, At best your store will be running a sale. At worst, since they know you and everyone else wants a big screen badly, your store will add 10% to the already outrageous price. (You should have made this purchase during the Fourth of July sale, Joshua. No one wanted a TV then.)

2 At the start of the football season, do not try the old mancave in the garage bit. If you do, at best, your spouse will nix the idea immediately. At worst, you’ll get the mancave set up only to be forced to make room for the cars. (You didn’t think this one out, Jonathan. You see the snow and ice on top of the vehicles is not suitable for them or you when it comes time to try and unfreeze the doors to go to work.)

1 At the start of the football season, do not try to exert dominance over the remote. If you do, at best others in the house want to watch the same games as you. At worst, no one has any interest in the games you want to watch. (So there you are on the back patio, Jason. Yeah, that’s your breath, you see. I hope you are enjoying watching the game in the same weather conditions in which it is being played. Another hot toddy may help.)

Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the Wizard of Oz in 1938

August 19, 2019August 18, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

This week marks the anniversary of the opening of the movie The Wizard of Oz in New York City in 1938. Since we all want to attend that gala event, we need to take our Top Ten Things Not to Do list so that we can enjoy the evening and not create an incident or tear in the time continuum. All set? Let’s go.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the Wizard of Oz in 1938.

10 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not think anyone will appreciate your cosplay attempt with the lion costume. If you do, at best no one will take your photo. At worst, since cosplay is a thing of recent history, the zoo will be called, and you’ll be netted. (This is a fine kettle of fish you’ve gotten yourself into Iapetus. At least there’s plenty of red meat served. I would keep an eye on that big fella over there. I think he likes you.)

9 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not let Tiny the WWF champ see you cut in line. If you do, at best you can make friends with the person you cut in front of quickly. At worst, Tiny, who was just warned about the evils of line cutting by his boss, has decided to make an example of you. (Stop screaming, Idris. Tiny will eventually stop twirling and slam you to the pavement. Then it will be time to scream.)

8 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not make any comment about the Munchkins. If you do, at best they’ll be too busy to hear you. At worst, your comment regarding size challenge will not go unrevenged. (How does it feel being carried aloft by one hundred hands, Ignat. I hope you enjoy the ride cause the next stop is the Hudson River.)

7 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not sing along with Dorthy on the song Over the Rainbow. If you do, at best the music will be loud enough to drown you out. At worst, the theater management will finally find you. (They thought you had brought your cat to the performance, Iliya. Looks like you better say a quick goodbye to your seatmates.)

6 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not think it amusing to arrive on a pink horse. If you do, at best traffic will be so bad you’ll never get to the front door. At worst, you’ll come face to face with the militant leader of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. (The leader makes the Wicked Witch of the West appear to be a girl scout, Imad. That umbrella feels like a billy club, doesn’t it? Best to ride out of town.)

5 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not ask the concession person for a copy of the DVD. If you do, at best you’ll get a box of raisinets instead. At worst, the concession person thinking you mean to hold up the stand will whistle for the police. (Now you have the pleasure of explaining what a DVD is, Imanol. Maybe it’s better to say you meant raisinets after all.)

4 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not ask to try on the ruby slippers. If you do, at best Judy Garland will say no. At worst, you’ll get them on. (Now what are you going to do, Indra? You have size fives on your nines and no way to get them off. You’re lucky there is not a real witch Glenda. She would send you back to Kansas.)

3 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not ask the Winged Monkey King for an autograph. If you do, at best he won’t have a pen. At worst he might decide to take you back to the tower to share a lunch. (Don’t look now, Iolo but the term, “share,” has a different meaning to the Flying Monkeys)

2 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not ask auntie Em for a cookie. If you do, at best she won’t hear you. At worst, you will be the one-millionth person to make that request. (So auntie decided to give you something for your effort huh, Ionakana? Here take this steak and put it on that eye. The swelling will go down in no time.)

1 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not shout out, “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.” If you do, at best no one will know what you are talking about. At worse, when that part comes in the movie, and the audience realizes you shouted a spoiler. (Time to leave your seat, Iowereth. There are about 300 movie goers who want a piece of you. Guess what? There aren’t that many pieces to go around.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Income Tax Day in 1861

August 5, 2019August 11, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 38 Comments

Since today is the anniversary of the establishment of the first income tax in 1861, I thought it would be fun to travel back there and take in the atmosphere of what had to have been an eventful time. The income tax was established to pay for the Civil War. Of course, there are some time travel rules that we must abide, so here is a list that will hopefully keep us from creating a time disruption or tear in the continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Tax Day in 1861.

10 On the first tax day, do not try to find an H&R Block office for relief. If you do, at best it will be an ice supply house. At worse, you will raise so much concern from those you ask that they will point you out to the tax collector. (The belief that you are trying to avoid your tax obligation is what ended you up behind bars, Issac. Just tell them you made a mistake and intend to pay, and maybe they’ll let you go.)

9 On the first tax day, do not tell Tiny the WWF champ that he can’t come in to assess your net worth. If you do, at best he will come in anyway. At worst, Tiny who just left his rejection support group meeting will reduce the place to sawdust. (The upside to Tiny’s visit, Iulio, is you have no assets and therefore don’t owe any tax. Let’s not talk of the downside.)

8 On the first tax day, do not try to deduct your stay and meals as a business expense. If you do, at best you will be laughed out of the room. At worse, the tax collector will call the Marshall, and you’ll be labeled as the first tax fraud case in the US. (The first tax was a 3% flat rate over 800 dollars ($13,000 today) of income, Iwdael. There are no deductions. Now tell the man you are sorry and cough up the money.)

7 On the first Tax day, do not carry your “No Taxation Without Representation,” protest sign. If you do, at best, no one will be able to read. At worst, you will be invited to spend the night at the Hoosegow Hotel. (These new revenuers have no sense of humor, Izeyah. I wouldn’t press my luck any further.)

6 On the first tax day, do not try to pay for your tax with corn. If you do, at best the agent will think you are joking. At worst, the interpretation is that you are trying to evade your taxes. (You have to admit, Izreal trying to unload 100 bushels of corn in the tax office looks a little suspicious. You’ll find a broom and shovel in the corner. Best to clean up the mess before you leave.)

5 On the first tax day, do not try to convince the tax collector that you are part of the 97% of the population that does not earn 800 dollars a year. If you do, at best the collector will respect your attempt at avoiding the tax. At worse, the collector just declared to his staff that the next person who tries to lie about their income will be shot. (I think you better cough up the tax quickly, Ian. That collector is resting his hand on a very big six-shooter.)

4 On the first Tax day, do not show up in your most elegant clothes on the best horse. If you do, at best the collector won’t notice. At worst, since your clothes and horse are better than the collector’s, your bill will be higher than it should be. (At this stage, Ibrahim you might as well just pay it. Why you didn’t think to wear those old shoes and overalls is beyond me. You could have parked your horse down the street too.)

3 On the first tax day, do not try to dazzle the tax collector with stacks of paperwork proving your lack of income. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worse, the agent will assume you are up to something illegal and double your tax assessment. (It would have been better just to tell them the truth, Igore. After all, 3% is not a lot to pay.)

2 On the first tax day, do not put in an application to join the IRS. If you do, at best no one will understand you. At worst, you’ll give away your time traveler status since the IRS wasn’t established until 1862. (Well easy come easy go, Ishmael. It is now time to hit the bricks and get back to your own timezone. Otherwise, you might be spending a lot of time in a very damp and chilly place.)

1 On the first tax day, do not think you can tell the tax collector to send you a bill. If you do, at best the collector will share a laugh with you. At worst, the collector will take measures to collect the tax today. ( That big guy in the corner is the enforcer, Ignatius. It is his job to extract the payment right now. He has been known to hold some by their ankles until the money falls to the floor. Just save us all the misery and pay the bill.)

Top Ten Things Not to at the Sale of the First Mass Produced Ford in 1905

July 22, 2019August 4, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

This week marked the anniversary of the sale of the first massed produced Ford automobile. It was labeled the Model A Fordmobile (Not to be confused with the model A introduced in 1928) and cost $850.00. (Which is worth $23,404 in 2018 dollars)

If you were there, several precautions would be needed in order not to disrupt the time continuum. If you want to go, Take this list and spare us all from any disruption.

10 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not ask the salesperson if floor mats are included in the price. If you do, at best they will not know what you are talking about. At worst, the salesperson will tell you, yes and you won’t see the $100.00 charge on the invoice. (You only have yourself to blame, Ilima. They would have never thought of it until you mentioned floor mats.)

9 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not go on a demonstration ride with Tiny the WWF champ. If you do at best, he’ll let you drive. At worst, Tiny who could not pass the driver’s test insists on showing you how fast the Fordmoble can go downhill and in a curve. (Hanging on for dear life is not a sign of cowardice, Illan. It is considered normal behavior under the circumstances. Don’t worry, those knuckles will eventually turn pink again.)

8 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not wait while the salesperson goes and talks to the manager about a better price. If you do, at best the price will be the same. At worst, there will have been a mistake found, and your car is $100.00 more now. (You might eventually get the idea that the price is the price, Imani.)

7 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not take the free cup of coffee. If you do, at best they have run out. At worst at the end of the day, you may discover that cup of coffee was very expensive. (Made you feel beholden to the salesperson, huh Inay? Did you get the story about no shoes for the kids?)

6 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not buy an extended warranty. If you do, at best the company will actually honor it. At worst, the small type at the bottom explains your premium for the warranty is actually a gift to Mr. Ford’s favorite charity. (Fooled you huh, Ingram? Now you have to worry about pushing this thing back home.)

5 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not ask about gas mileage. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, the number will scare you so much you’ll want to leave the showroom. (You should remember that gas costs under a dime a gallon, Inteus. That is about a penny a mile, and even a skinflint like you can do that.)

4 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not ask about the President’s Day pricing. If you do, at best you’ll get strange looks. At worst, the owner of the agency will take your idea and become a kingpin in the car marketing business. (He’ll add at least 52 other days for an excuse for a sale, Iona. He’ll make millions and you’ll go back home.)

3 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not ask about the down payment. If you do, at best, no one will take you seriously. At worst, the manager will escort you to the door since buying on credit is an unknown phenomenon (Don’t get your feelings hurt, Iov. “Four flushers” is a term they casually throw around these parts.)

2 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not ask what color you can choose. If you do, at best, you’ll get a sympathetic smile. At worse, you get the Henry Ford quote, “You can have any color you chose as long as you choose black.” (You knew that was coming. Why you gave the salesperson the satisfaction of saying it is anybody’s guess, Irus.)

1 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not ask to buy the floor model. If you do, at best you’ll be told you need to order a car. At worst the salesperson will be confused about what you mean by floor model and call the police. ( He thought you were talking about the demonstration person, Iseabail. Good thing you cleared that up.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the signing of the Declaration of Independence by John Hancock in 1776

July 1, 2019July 7, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 34 Comments

This week marks the 243rd anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776 by John Hancock. It would be fun to be there but of course, there are things we should not do if we go. Take this list with you as it may save you trouble in the long run.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776.

10 If you are at the signing, do not place that tankard of ale anywhere near the document. If you do, at best you might leave a ring on it. At worse, a careless spill could mean doing the whole thing over. (All those signatures not to mention the handwritten document is now soaked, Hosa. Quit trying to clean up the mess with that lace tablecloth. You are only making it worse. It will take days to redo and now July 4th will be on July 10th.)

9 If you are at the signing, do not go near the document as long as Tiny the WWF champ has been assigned the duty to protect it. If you do, at best Tiny will issue a warning. At worse, Tiny, who just left being scolded by John Hancock for being too soft, will demonstrate his toughness for all to see. ( Trust me you can survive the step over toe hold with a helicopter body slam finish, Houghton. You just have to relax more.)

8 If you are at the signing, do not volunteer to stand in for New York and sign on their behalf. If you do, at best you’ll be told to sit down. At worst, you will sign and cause a riff between the Continental Congress and New York. ( You see, Houston, New York made a conscious decision not to sign on July 4th because as delegates they weren’t given the go-ahead by New York leadership. They did sign on July 9th after erasing your name.)

7 If you are at the signing, do not think everyone will be signing on July 4th. If you do, at best you will be disappointed. At worst, the delegation will have you tossed into the street. (Most of the signatures were not collected until copies of the declaration were circulated to the colonies, Hovhaness. The final official document was not fully signed until August 2nd. July 4th is the date that the Declaration was ratified. John Hancock signed as leader of the Continental Congress.)

6 If you are at the signing, do not begin singing, “God Save the King.” If you do, at best you be singing alone. At worst, the delegates will take you for a crown sympathizer and ride you out of town. ( I know that rail is uncomfortable, Howahkan. Maybe next time you could pick a better song.)

5 If you are at the signing, do not give the author, Thomas Jefferson some notes on how you think the Declaration could be improved. If you do, at best like most authors he will have a thick skin. At worst, since he has gone without sleep in order to finish the document, Jefferson may challenge you to a duel. ( I think maybe you should walk a mile in Thom’s shoes before leaving a review, Hrolleif. Besides what do you know about writing a Declaration?)

4 If you are at the signing, although tempting do not suggest changing the word “men” to “humans.” If you do, at best your political correctness will involk a laugh. At worst, the authors had intended human beings to be covered by the Declaration and now a whole new debate has ensued. (Might have been better just to say nothing, Hu. It seems the Declaration has been tabled and the delegates have dispersed. So much for not creating a time continuum event,)

3 If you are at the signing, do not offer to hold the quill pens. If you do, at best you’ll mess up a couple of the nubs. At worst, when it comes time for John Hancock to sign there won’t be a fine point available. (So it was you who caused John to sign in that huge manner, Hueil? All along the story was he wanted King George to be able to see his signature without wearing spectacles.)

2 If you are at the signing, do not suggest adding pizza to the preamble which reads, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” (You have to wonder about the looks you got at the suggestion, Hugi. You should be glad nobody asked you to explain pizza.)

1 If you are at the signing, do not ask Samual Adams what his seasonal beer flavor will be this year. If you do, at best he’ll think you are joking. At worst, he will assume you are buying the drinks and invite all the delegates to your party. ( I wonder how you are going to cover the bar bill, Hui. I’m almost positive the inn won’t take that American Express card. Might be time to hit the escape button rather than face the theft charges.)