Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are in a Dentist’s Chair

~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

 

 

Top Ten Things not to doThe inspiration for this list was a routine visit to the dentist. Like all dentist offices, I could hear what was going on in several offices around me.  I heard some funny things, and also I made up some of my own. I hope you enjoy this list

10 If you are in a dentist’s chair, do not try to answer the dentist’s questions while their hand is in your mouth. If you do, at best your answer will be garbled and not understood. At worst, the dentist may come up missing a tool. (Yes, it is strange the dentist asks a question while you are incapable of speech, Elijah. Try to resist since that lost tool may be with you for a long time.)

9 If you are in a dentist’s chair, do not listen to Tiny the WWF champ whimper in the next room. If you do, at best it may unnerve you. At worst, Tiny may catch sight of you as he leaves and will want to make sure you won’t gossip about his lack of fortitude. (That shadow passing over you as you go from the dentist office, Evan, is Tiny coming up from behind. Don’t think. Just drop and roll.)

8 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not ask about the cost of a procedure while it is underway. If you do, at best you won’t like the answer. At worst, the dentist may decide to give you a discount provided you can endure the procedure with no painkiller. ( You have to wonder, Ezekiel, why he keeps asking, “Is it safe?” from the movie Marathon Man. Yes that is you making all that noise.)

7  If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not try to read your chart when the Dentist leaves. If you do, at best you won’t understand a thing. At worst, the hygienist will walk in just as you are leaning over backward with the chart in your hands. (How do you explain yourself, Edgar? You could have just asked to see your chart.)

6 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not think about the Italian sub you had for lunch. If you do, at best you won’t open your mouth. At worst, you will try to explain your faux pas all while the hygienist continues to spray mouthwash each time you open your mouth. (You wish the “ew” sound were as a result of a different source huh, Elliott?)

5 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not fool around with the controls. If you do, at best you won’t get wet. At worst you will cause possible complications from the polishing tool function being replaced by a drilling tool function. (That hole in your front tooth is charming, Emmett. Maybe you can get a diamond to fit in there.)

4 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not think the dentist will be right in to see you. If you do, at best your waiting time will seem even longer. At worst, you fell asleep and drooled all over that lovely napkin under your chin. (How do you explain the wet spot to the hygienist, Edwin? Try your Quasimodo impersonation. “Here. Take whistle. Only thing I hear. Blow if in trouble.” They will love it.)

3 If you are in the dentist chair, do not remind yourself about that 32-ounce Big Gulp soda you finished on the way over here. If you do, at best you will forgive yourself for not making a restroom stop. At worst, the dental staff will think you are a crack addict given the amount of twitching and jumping you go through as you try to manage the specter of an accident. (Why is that little voice in your head still talking about Niagara Falls, Easton? Pretty self-defeating I would say.)

2 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not acknowledge the rumbling inside of you. If you do, at best your explanation of the sour kraut and corned beef sandwich will fall on unsympathetic ears. At worst, you may give your body permission to vent off the building pressure. (Nothing pleases people more in a closed room, Edmund.)

1 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not ask to hold a teddy bear before the procedure. If you do, at best the staff will think you are joking. At worst, you will get the bear and a chart notation to watch for an emotional break in the future. (Ever wonder why everyone talks in a whisper when you visit the office, Ezequiel?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Making a Top Ten Things Not to Do List

~ John W. Howell ~ 47 Comments

 

Top Ten things not to do

 

10 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not search the internet for top ten ideas. If you do, at best your creativity will be stilted. At worst you’ll start duplicating others work without knowing it. (Looks like that plagiarism charge is going to stick, Elder. There goes the old writing career.)

9 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ to preview the ridiculous stuff you wrote about him. If you do, at best Tiny left his reading glasses at home. At worst, Tiny just left his self-esteem support group and is now taking everything you wrote literally. (I wouldn’t worry about getting your shredded paper back, Elia. I think I would begin to make book for the door.)

8 If you are making a top the things not to do list, do not check with a loved one to see if it is funny. If you do, at best you’ll be disappointed with the response. At worst, you’ll get a reminder about how beautiful it would be if you had a real job. (You can’t expect everyone to like your stuff, Ellery. Keep looking maybe you’ll find one person who does.)

7 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not stare at people who will eventually end up being on the list. If you do, at best one may ask you, “Are you looking at me?” At worst, you might be taken for a stalker and have to explain yourself. (As you can see the police have no interest in your list making career, Elson.  They just want you to come quietly.)

6 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not make the subject so obscure no one will get it. If you do, at best your readership may drop. At worst, you will be explaining your meaning for the next ten years. (So why do you suppose nobody got the Top Ten things not to do in a Barnyard, Emery? I thought it was fascinating.)

5 If you are making a Top ten things not to do list, do not make a list so familiar that everyone will think you did these things. If you do, at best you’ll look like a fool. At worst, the FBI opens a file about you, and you get this strange feeling you are being followed. (Don’t look now, Emilin but there is a black SUV at the end of your block.)

4 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not think the subjects will come to you if you drink more. If you do, at best you can run one you published before. At worst, you will actually hit publish without waiting until the morning after to proofread the work. ( You know those seven words George Carlin said can’t be used on the radio? Well, Emrys you used each one in your post. They aren’t allowed there either.)

3 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not think you have to be practical. If you do, at best your work will be as dry as unbuttered rye toast. At worst, you’ll get mail from folks more practical than you telling you how your list is impractical. ( just shows to go ya, Endymion, you can’t please all the people all the time. Gotta stick with fiction.)

2 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not stop until you have ten things. If you do, at best you’ll look like you had a bad night. At worst, folks will be looking for the tenth item and will assume you are holding out on them. (Okay so it is not such a big deal, Enrico but some of your regulars are talking boycott. Who advertises ten and then publishes only nine? Crazy people that’s who.)

1 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not think you will be discovered some day. If you do, at best you’ll still work in the dark. At worst, you will create a false expectation that your lists are the key to fame. ( Looks like another day has passed without that million seller, Ericson. Looks like you need to make another list.)

Top Ten Things Not To Do at an Organic Supermarket – Replay

~ John W. Howell ~ 31 Comments

Since I’m traveling today, I decided to rerun one of my Top Ten Not to Do lists. This list originally ran on July 11th, 2016. If you haven’t read it before I hope you enjoy it.

 

Organic Food Store

 

The inspiration for this list is many visits to organic chain supermarkets. I’m usually there because I like a brand of wine that the chain carries. Of course, living on an island means when I drive the 360 miles round trip, I want to linger and observe other activities. I hope you like the list.

10 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not secretly pop samples into your mouth from the bulk food section. If you do, at best you may ingest a foreign object. At worst, you will be caught and weighed before being charged the $10.00 a pound going rate. (Had to wonder what that walk-on scale was for, huh Bo-Bo?)

9 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not block the aisles as you study each purchase looking for evidence of an ingredient to which you are allergic. If you do, At best your cart will be hit as others try to get around. At worst, you might get run over by Tiny the 300 pound WWF champ as he sprints toward the carrot juice section. (Better to joust with a train. Right?)

8 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the butcher if the organic pork is grass-fed. If you do, at best he will laugh you out of the store. At worst, he will convince you to go home and read up on the dietary habits of pigs. (At least tofu is on the list of things pigs will eat. Of course, there is nothing pigs won’t eat.)

7 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the clerk if the organic bottled water is gluten-free. If you do at best, the clerk will be confused. At worst, you might cause a very delicate personality to crack completely. ( Can you imagine what would have happened if you asked for help finding something.)

6 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not forget to bring your own bags. If you do, at best you will have to balance your purchases and hope to make the car before the peanut butter hits the parking lot surface. At worst, you will be charged for more bags which you’ll never need again. (Asking for a plastic bag was a big mistake)

5 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not show visible signs of your pending heart attack when you see the total bill. If you do, at best you will make the clerk’s day. At worst, those around you will want your hide for exposing the fact that to eat this way is very expensive. (Yeah they knew it, but don’t need reminders)

4 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the clerk if there are cruelty-free grapes in the wine. If you do, at best the clerk will call the manager for an answer. At worst the manager has just turned in his gross receipts and is now on probation for slipping sales. (The manager’s sense of humor is at an all-time low and used to be a postal worker till released for anger management issues)

3 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the beauty aids clerk which essential oil they would recommend to attract more dates. If you do, at best the clerk will think you totally perverted. At worst, the clerk will take the opportunity to test the company’s non-hostile work environment policy with a request of the boss to toss you out of the store. (Wow! Talk about overused political correctness)

2 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not buy hemp products with the belief that you can use then to get high. If you do, at best you will waste your money. At worse, you will feel pretty foolish waiting in the shower for the hemp soap to kick in. (Meanwhile, the water temperature is moving toward Antarctic)

1 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the carry out person any questions about attire, body art, or hairstyle. If you do, at best they will ignore you. At worst, they will start the long story about personal freedoms and what it means to be able to be who they are. (That organic ice cream dripping on the pavement cost $10.00. Might be time to move on)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Left Your Money and ID at Home

~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments

 

The inspiration for this list was going to dinner and forgetting to put my wallet in my pocket. Although it sounds impossible, I very seldom need to leave the house (Yes, Mr. Hughes?) so I have lost the natural tendency to check to see if I have everything with me. Lucky for me, none of the consequences materialized.

10 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not offer to pick up the dinner tab. If you do, at best your partner will have you covered. At worst, you and your guests will experience kitchen cleanliness first hand. (So you took your boss to dinner, Etu and he forgot his wallet as well. It is a shame about his new suit and that ketchup accident.)

9 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not offer to buy Tiny, the WWF champ, a drink when he has apparently had too much. If you do, at best Tiny will forget the offer. At worst, Tiny has been drowning his sorrows at being told no one likes him in his self-esteem seminar. (Notice how his eyes lit up when you offered to pay for his drink, Eustachy? The bartender is waiting for the money, and Tiny’s eyes are beginning to detect you may renege. Might be time to leave fast.)

8 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not exceed the speed limit. If you do, at best all the traffic patrol officers are in a meeting. At worst, trying to explain who you are and that you are licensed to drive may have to wait for the judge tomorrow. (You have to admit not being able to post bail has given you a brand new experience, Evans. I think that big guy over in the corner kind of likes you.)

7 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not unload your overstuffed grocery cart on the ten items or less conveyor belt. If you do, at best the store will be un-crowded. At worst, you will have sixteen construction workers behind you who only have thirty minutes for lunch. (As the clerk calls for the manager you can detect some discontent behind you, Everley. Might be a good idea to sprint for the door while you can still sprint.)

6 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not take a number at the DMV. If you do, at best you’ll come to your senses before long. At worst, you’ll wait the required number of hours until your number is called only to discover the missing items. (The only person who is happy with you now, Evin is the person next to be called after you are told to step aside.)

5 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not enter the toll road. If you do, at best a kindly motorist will pay your toll. At worst, the toll taker will exercise the right to have your car impounded. (No, the tow truck operator will not give you a ride home, Ethan. He’s going to take your car to the impound lot where if you are lucky no one will put another on top of yours.)

4 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not go through the drive-through at your favorite fast food restaurant. If you do, at best you can say you’re sorry and move on. At worst, the manager of the store has been given a reprimand for having high waste numbers and is now dialing the police. (Don’t be concerned with the honking patrons behind you, Eli. The manager is calling a SWAT team claiming you are holding up the store. Time for a Dukes of Hazard get away.)

3 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not get on that train to Yuma. If you do, at best the conductor may miss you. At worst, you might find yourself standing in the middle of the tracks in a place with no name. (Are those vultures circling overhead, Ezra?)

2 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not try to get through the TSA inspection point at the airport. If you do, at best you’ll be turned away. At worst, a picture of someone who looks like you just came across the international terrorist warning screen and the guy looking at you wants a promotion. (You might as well put those hands in the air, Elliot. That air marshall doesn’t look like he is kidding with the order.)

1 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not attempt to make a withdrawal from your bank. If you do, at best the clerk recognizes you. At worst, when asked for ID you provide some excuse that causes the clerk to hit the silent alarm. (How does the cold marble floor feel, Everett? I think I would follow the suggestion and don’t move.)

Top Ten Things Not to Put Off When You Have a Lot to Do.

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

Ten things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list is living long enough to experience what happens when things are put off. Not all of these things have occurred but enough to give me the title of Consultant on What Not to Put Off.

10 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off buying an anniversary present. If you do, at best you’ll have to spend more to find what you want to give. At worst, what you want to give is no longer available and your second choice falls way short. (That pair of rubber dish gloves just didn’t have the same panache did it, Emanuele?)

9 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off paying Tiny, the WWF champ, the ten bucks you borrowed. If you do, at best you won’t run into Tiny. At worst, you’ll meet Tiny just after he left his financial planner with the news that he is broke. (Right now would be a good time to have that ten spot out where Tiny can see it, Emesto. There won’t be time once he grabs you by the throat.)

8 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off responding to that traffic ticket. If you do, at best you can cover the late fee. At worst,  a rookie police officer will see you drive by and will have memorized the license plates of all the outstanding warrants for this week. (Yes, those lights and siren mean to pull over, Emo. Better hope someone can come and bail you out. Oh, and don’t worry about your new car. The wrecker folks got that name for a reason.)

7 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off paying that final notice on the water and electric bill. If you do, at best you might get a grace period. At worse, you planned on filling the bathtub and buying some candles but were caught by surprise. (How do those shins feel after hitting that coffee table five times, Enceladus?)

6 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off filing your taxes. If you do, at best you will remind the IRS agent of his father. At worst, you will remind the IRS agent of her ex-husband. (Why do the terms ‘delinquent, fine, and jail term’ keep coming up in the discussion, Eoin?)

5 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off renewing your auto or driver’s license. If you do at best a wait at the DMV is the only penalty. At worst, just when some eyewitness of a bank robbery described a car like yours, a state police officer pulled in behind you. (Don’t think these guys aren’t going to have guns drawn, Eren. The bank robber will probably get a lighter sentence than driving with expired plates and license.)

4 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off sending your house insurance premium. If you do, at best your agent will remind you. At worst, the rare piece of space junk entering the atmosphere and landing on your house will remind you of the forgotten check. (Don’t worry, Erin. Insurance companies have huge hearts and will likely forgive your oversight. Believe that, and I have an underwater lot I think you would like.)

3 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off making those airline reservations to attend the mandatory company seminar. If you do, at best you’ll have a center seat on a packed plane. At worst, you’ll be on standby, and as luck would have it, there are no seats available. (Who would have thought that Dubuque Iowa was such a popular destination, Erskine? You can tell by the tension in the voice that the boss is not going to forgive and forget.)

2 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off paying that credit card bill. If you do, at best you’ll rack up a big late fee. At worse, just when you are trying to impress someone by grabbing the dinner check, the waiter comes back and tells you in a loud voice that your card has been denied. (You can try all you want to explain a bank error, Eske. Your soon to be ex-client isn’t believing your story.)

1 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off double checking your parachute before your skydive this weekend. If you do, at best it was done right. At worst, you will find yourself in a position of having to hope the spare will do the job. (After all, Estanislao you have gained a few pounds. Oh, and that go cam recording should be hilarious so let’s hope you are there to enjoy it.)

Top Ten Things Never to Throw Away When Organizing

~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this list is wondering how come we hang onto things in case they may come in useful someday. This list tries to understand the motivation for holding onto items that may be past their point of usefulness.

10 When organizing, do not throw away that eight-track cassette player.  If you do, at best you’ll hate yourself in the morning. At worst, you’ll see that very same model for sale on E-Bay, and the last bid is $10,000. (Well that will teach you to be impetuous after twenty-five years of storage, huh Eric?)

9 When organizing, do not throw away that autographed photo of Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best it will be well hidden in a black plastic bag. At worst, Tiny just started as your garbologist after being released from self-esteem therapy and discovers the photo at the bottom of your trash can. (I’ll bet you can guess why he is pounding on your front door can’t you, Emmanuel? Here is a hint. Grab those running shoes and head out the back door. Your house and belongings can be replaced.)

8 When organizing, do not throw away that hand knit Christmas turtleneck sweater Aunt Helen gave you when you were thirteen. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, you realize your mistake at the reading of Aunt Helen’s will where she leaves you her entire fortune if you wear the sweater once a week for a year. (Looks like she suspected you didn’t like it, Edward. Too bad you tossed it last week.)

7 When organizing, do not throw away those naked pictures of you at the beach. If you do, at best you shredded them first. At worst, you suddenly discover them on Tumblr on a site called, “Naked and Crazy.” (Better think of a good story, Elias since HR wants to talk to you about a “morals clause” violation in your employment contract.)

6 When organizing, do not throw away old tax records. If you do, at best your town’s dump is very secure. At worst, you realize when you are shopping at the food store, and your card is denied that you no longer are the only person with your social security number. (Looks like those stocks, bonds, and bank accounts are gone too, Eugene. Looks like you need to call the police.)

5 When organizing, do not throw away all your children’s school drawings and report cards. If you do, at best they won’t care. At worst, your children will want those items to relive their experiences with their kids. (Now what are you going to do, Erik? I suppose you could try to recreate the drawings from memory. Naw better yet ask the neighbor if you can borrow theirs.)

4 When organizing, do not throw away that old portable TV. If you do, at best you’ll never miss it. At worst, you’ll need it to see the last half of the Final Four Championship game since your internet and cell service went down. (Now aren’t you sorry you relied on twenty-first-century technology, Enzo? Just think you could have seen the game finish on that twentieth-century set with the rabbit ears. Now you have to wait to read the news.)

3 When organizing, do not throw away that almost new tire that you had to take off your 1978 Chevrolet to replace the front two. If you do, at best your current car has bigger wheels. At worst, you will have a blow out on your new vehicle which has no spare. (See, you could have at least used that tire as a temporary solution, Earl. Well maybe not.)

2 When organizing, do not throw away that power tool that quit working twelve years ago. If you do, at best your new device keeps working. At worst, your new gadget needs a small clip that broke which is unavailable at the parts store and was intact on the one you threw away. (Come on Emiliano this would never happen in a million years.)

1 When organizing, do not throw away those worn out shoes. If you do, at best you’ll enjoy the closet space. At worst, once they are gone, you realize you have nothing to wear to mow the lawn and work in the garden once that pair of old shoes wears out. (Well now, Elvin you have a triage problem on your remaining shoes. I know there are some favorites in there, but you gotta make a choice.)

The Top Ten Things Not to Do When Talking to a Customer Service Representative

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

 

Customer Care

 

The inspiration for this list came to me as I was engaged in discussions with a customer care representative. The positive side is the creation of this list.

10 If you are talking with customer care, do not forget that “Customer Care.” is an oxymoron. If you do, at best you’ll retain hope of getting your problem resolved. At worst, you will continue to pull on your hair until a large area of exposed scalp occurs. (Now, don’t you look good, Derwin. Folks are going to be asking about that bald spot on the side of your head. I would make up some kind of medical treatment story.)

9 If you are talking with customer care, do not forget they have your address. If you do, at best you won’t insult tiny the WWF champ. At worst, you will challenge Tiny to meet you outside. Tiny just graduated from his tenth stint of anger management, and he is more than glad to take you up on your offer since he still doesn’t get the management part. (Who’d a thought Tiny was in the next town, Deveon. I don’t think I would go out to meet him no matter how many rocks he throws at your house.)

8 If you are talking with customer care, do not become impatient if the rep can’t understand or hear you. If you do, at best they will hang up. At worst, you will be put into the penalty box for an hour cooling off period. (One nice thing about being on hold, Deverel is you get to listen to music that sounds like it is piped through sandpaper. Don’t get upset by that announcement every minute that tries to convince you of your importance to the company as a customer. They don’t give a rip.)

7 If you are talking with customer care, do not give any helpful information before the rep asks for it. If you do, at best you’ll be repeating yourself often. At worst, the rep will become confused, and your problem will only be made worse by a duplicate shipment.(Yeah that second shipment was as wrong as the first huh, Deylin. This time though it cost twenty dollars more. Good luck on returning two.)

6 If you are talking with customer care, do not ask to speak to a supervisor. If you do, at best you’ll get another rep worse than the first. At worst, you’ll get a supervisor who was told by the boss to reduce call times and refunds. (That was a delightful two-second conversation, Diarmid. I’ll bet you are trying to translate the phrase, “Get off the phone,” as it related to your problem, right?)

5 If you are talking with customer care, do not try to be friendly by asking where the rep is located. If you do, at best you’ll get, “Somewhere in the World,” as an answer. At worst, the rep will interpret your friendliness as a hostile threat much like the previous one hundred hostile threats before you. (That tone you hear means you have been disconnected, Dilan. Don’t call back for a while. Maybe that rep will need to take a break.)

4 If you are talking with customer care, do not try to impress the rep with your long-standing good customer profile. If you do, at best the rep will not laugh openly in your ear. At worst, the rep will put you on speaker phone so that the rest of the reps in the calling center can have a good laugh at your expense. (Now that you think of it, Dimas there are other outlets which might welcome your business.)

3 If you are talking with customer care, do not think the rep is qualified to solve your problem. If you do, at best you will be confused as to why the solution is so difficult. At worst, you will end the call and give a ten out of ten rating only to find the problem is still there. (Not only is the problem still there, Dino but now is complicated by a bill collector pounding on your door.)

2 If you are talking with customer care, do not have mistakenly called another company. If you do, at best the rep will spot the problem right away. At worst, the rep will provide excellent service to no avail when it is discovered you are not returning a John Deere tractor. (How could the customer service numbers for the two companies be so close, Dmitri? You sure you dialed correctly? Now give that nice person a ten-star rating. After all, you were only on the phone for an hour.)

1 If you are talking with customer care, do not call if you have anything else in the world to do. If you do, at best you’ll finally give up for the lack of time. At worst, you will continue to hang on while that doctor appointment scheduled for three hours after you started the call will go unattended. (You know in your heart that the doctor was more important than getting the right lamp, Dolphus. You just felt you were close enough to victory to hang on just a little longer. Well, the doc is going to bill you. Better you should have tossed the lamp and ordered another one.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Called for Jury Duty

~ John W. Howell ~ 89 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this list was reading about Dan Antion’s experience with being called for jury duty. I asked Dan if he wouldn’t mind sharing what it was like. He graciously sent the rules of jury duty for my review. I have to tell you, Dan is the kind of guy who would never do any of these.

10 If you are called for jury duty, do not ignore the summons. If you do, at best the sheriff will greet you before you go to work. At worst, your co-workers will be entertained by the process known as the “perp walk.” (Who takes official papers seriously, Dubhgan? looks like the courts do.)

9 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to wear your “jurist badge.” If you do, at best someone may confuse you with a lawyer. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ and newest member of the sheriff’s department will have you on the floor with your hand’s zip-tied behind you. (You do look good in that jumpsuit, Dughall. I know, it would have been kind of Tiny to ask who you were but he had a job to do.)

8 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to check in with the clerk when you go on breaks or leave for the day. If you do, at best you’ll be marked absent and will have to serve again. At worst, an overzealous judge will think you are ignoring your duty and issue a summons for your arrest for contempt of court. (Now that past due parking ticket takes on a new meaning right, Duran? BTW what is a SWAT team doing at the front door with that battering ram?)

7 If you are called for jury duty, do not park anywhere but in the designated juror parking lot. If you do, at best you might get a ticket or be towed. At worst, you’ll return to your car and find it up on cement blocks. (Why are courthouses in the worst neighborhoods, Dusty? Oh look your engine is gone too.)

6 If you are called for jury duty, do not think being excused early means you don’t have to return to work. If you do, at best your boss will get a report of the hours. At worst, while you are celebrating the half day off in your favorite place, your boss and the boss’ boss all come in for lunch.(Kinda hard to explain why you are not at the courthouse, Devyn. Especially since it is after 1:00 and ten miles away from here.)

5 If you are called for jury duty, do not turn on the news in the juror’s lounge. If you do, at best the burley bailiff will turn it off. At worst, you will be singled out as the person responsible for the motion by the defense for a new trial. (Of course, the trial has been going on for four weeks, and now all your fellow jurors have you to thank for the huge waste of time, Dixon.)

4 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to turn off your cell phone. If you do, at best you’ll get no calls. At worst, just as the defense has concluded an emotional final argument, your phone goes off blaring your custom ringtone by the Who. (That long serious silence the defense was counting on just evaporated in laughter, Daegan. I’m not sure how they will feel about that move. I do know the judge just pounded the gavel head into sawdust.)

3 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to bring your lunch. If you do, at best there will be a vending machine. At worst, there will be a vending machine but no way to make change. (You can still use that fiver, Dallen but I agree, five bucks seems like a lot for a Snickers bar.)

2 If you are called for jury duty, do not ignore the rules for walking around the courthouse. If you do, at best you may wander into the wrong court. At worst, you may go through a door that closes and locks behind you. (This is great, Damak. You have entered the private chambers of the judge and are being asked your name and what you are doing there. I think the next step is forced removal by that burley bailiff.  Yup here he comes.)

1 If you are called for jury duty, do not think you can leave without filling out the attendance report. If you do, at best you’ll have to serve again. At worse, you won’t have proof you spent the last three weeks as a juror to give to your employer. (You thought the bureaucracy was terrible during jury duty. How about the red tape at the unemployment office, Danhy?)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Put on Your Bucket List

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

 

Top Ten Things not to Do

 

The inspiration for this post came from the website https://www.bucketlist.net/

While looking around, I came upon one list that was the top ten crazy things to put on your bucket list. This started me thinking of what not to put on your bucket list for fear of having the list prematurely remain unaccomplished. I did borrow a couple from the list.

10 If you are making a bucket list, do not include swimming with great white sharks. If you do, at best they will have eaten before you show up. At worst, they have all given up their vegan diet, and you are the first animal protein they’ve seen for weeks. (Looks like those extra long flippers might come in handy, Dayson.)

9 If you are making a bucket list, do not include asking Tiny how he got his name the next time you see him. If you do, at best he will have his Airpods in his ears and will miss the question. At worst, you will remind him of the teasing he took in the fourth grade when he stood six feet tall. (This might be a good time to try out those nunchucks, Deavon. Be careful though and don’t let Tiny take them away from you,)

8 If you are making a bucket list, do not decide to ski the Alps. If you do, at best you’ll sober up before the trip. At worst, you’ll get to the mountain and ignore the fact that you really weren’t an excellent skier in the first place. (That thrill of being airborne doesn’t last very long does it, Delbert? Don’t worry the ski patrol is waiting for you at the bottom of the mountain. It is a very short trip to the hospital.)

7 If you are making a bucket list, do not add breaking the world freedive deep dive record. If you do, at best your first try will give you a hint to stop. At worst, you will realize that the 122 meter (400+ feet) record is safe with your ten-foot dive. (Yes, Delsen to break the record you need to hold your breath for over four minutes. So far, your best shot was twenty seconds)

6 If you are making a bucket list, don’t include quitting your job to try something new. If you do, at best your boss will hire you back. At worst, the something new is something that ten million had tried before and failed. (I give it to you that a mail order catalog seemed like a good idea, Donte it’s just that it has all been done before. Why not try to corner the aluminum can market?)

5 If you are making a bucket list, don’t consider a solo skydive. If you do, at best you will take all the training. At worst, you’ll go up in a plane and then have to actually step out the door. (The first thing to remember is when to deploy the chute, Dorian. The second is how to use the other chute. Let’s not worry about the third right now you have enough to deal with.)

4 If you are making a bucket list, don’t think it would be fun to take your life savings to Las Vegas. If you do, at best the casino will have caught on fire. At worst, all those blackjack lessons and theories went out the window when you took a card on fifteen, and it was a ten. (The hotel will be happy to comp your room tonight, Dorrin. It seems you are the most prominent loser today.)

3 If you are making a bucket list, do not include running with the bulls in Pamplona. If you do, at best you will be able to outrun the guy behind you. At worst, your strategy of running up a tree will backfire as six bulls all hit the tree. (You forgot that those horns are pretty tough, Draupnir. Put away that red hanky, nothing can save you now.)

2 If you are making a bucket list, do not note cooking fish at home. If you do, at best someone who loves you will talk you out of it. At worst, you will finish the cooking and realize you have ruined a twenty-dollar fish and a fifty thousand dollar kitchen. (I think you have learned your lesson, Drewes. Now call the bank and get that home improvement loan fast.)

1 If you are making a bucket list, do include becoming a best-selling author. If you do, at best it may happen. At worst, you will live forever trying to complete your bucket list. (Just keep working on it, Drystan. Ninety two is the new sixty-two. Plenty of time.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Academy Awards

~ John W. Howell ~ 58 Comments

Oscars

 

The inspiration for this list is the fact that the Academy Awards are next Sunday and I’m sure you are all going as a guest of the Academy of Motion Picture  Arts and Sciences.  I feel it is my duty to give you some pointers so that you don’t come away from the awards regretting your attendance.

10 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not try to get out of your limo before the driver opens your door. If you do, at best you might hit the driver with the swinging door. At worst, there will be a mechanical malfunction, and the driver will be forced to leave the red carpet area with you still in the car. (Pounding on the glass only adds to the chaos, Dev.)

9 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not try to walk by Tiny the WWF champ who has been given the assignment of checking all invitations for authenticity. If you do, at best you might be clotheslined by Tiny’s massive arm. At worst, Tiny has been warned once already not to let any party crashes in, so he elects to give you his best body slam to slow you down. (Don’t worry Devereaux, your breath will come back once that EMT puts the oxygen mask on.)

8 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not think dancing the Stroll on the red carpet is a good idea. If you do, at best the network reporters will pretend to be busy with someone else. At worst, you will snag your shoe in a wrinkle and go down like a Mosler Safe falling off the twelfth floor. (Yes it was caught on network TV, Devion. Yes, they got your name right. Yes, the moment is being replayed with a laugh track. No, there is not an agent who will touch you.)

7 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not complain loudly about how far away your seat is from the event. If you do, at best the room will wonder who elected you king. At worst, the committee head in charge of guest invitations will quietly ask you to leave while the two big goons drag you toes down to the ally. (You just broke the record for the shortest time as a guest, Diarmaid. You should be proud.)

6 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not whistle and stomp when your favorite actor wins best performance. If you do, at best the ushers will ask you to stop it. At worst, those around you will take law and order into their own hands. (Hard to make noise with that cumberbund tied firmly around your head isn’t it, Dima?)

5 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not think the bottles of wine are for you exclusively. If you do, at best a waiter will remind you. At worst, you will have to fight your tablemates all of which are stunt doubles. (Those people are healthy aren’t they, Dimochka?  You might get the feeling back in your arm by Tuesday.)

4 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not ask the person next to you if they are going to eat their lobster chunks. If you do, at best they’ll leave. At worst you will find out shortly that the person next to you is a black belt special warfare instructor. (Wow, that throat chop indeed stopped you from wanting lobster hey, Dionysius?)

3 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not take the centerpiece. If you do, at best a security person will take it from you. At worst, you’ll  make it to the pickup area and then be arrested on National TV for grand larceny. (You always take the centerpiece right, Dohasan?  Well not this time.)

2 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not do your special dance at the Governor’s Ball. If you do, at best the orchestra will suddenly take a break. At worst, the videos of you dancing will go viral with the caption, “Partygoer who is out of control.” This will do wonders for book sales, Donatello.)

1 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not corner your favorite actor, playwright or author. If you do at best, you’ll get a cold shoulder. At worst, a gang of security people will wrestle you to the floor and hold you there for the police. (Why is that camera person continuing to film this travesty of justice, Donavon? Maybe if you stop yelling obscenities they may finish as well.)