Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your Birthday When You Turn One Hundred

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

 

Ten Things Not to Do

The inspiration for this list was coming across a bunch of things to do on a birthday. I then imagined doing these things when one is older, and the Ten Things Not to Do was born. It struck me that sometimes just being with family is enough. I hope you enjoy the list and who knows? Maybe you’d enjoy doing one of these when you turn One-Hundred.

10 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not decide to have a big ole house party. If you do at best, you won’t remember it. At worst, all the folks showing up would enjoy a nap and not get down and boogie with you. (You had to know that some people just show their age more than others, Davu. Also, the noise from that ten-piece band is attracting the police.)

9 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not think going clubbing is a good idea. If you do, at best you’ll be in bed before the club opens. At worst, you’ll be stopped at the door by Tiny the WWF champ who can’t count high enough to validate your ID. (So loan him your calculator, Daylan. You know the one that you got free for joining ARRP fifty years ago.)

8 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not decide to have a scavenger hunt. If you do, at best some will forget to come back. At worst, your neighbors will become hopelessly confused by a bunch of seniors appearing to be aimlessly searching for things. (The state trooper described the scene as the zombie apocalypse and now your home is surrounded, Dayson.)

7 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not decide to have a barbecue. If you do, at best you’ll need some Kentucky fried to pull it off. At worst, your gas grill hasn’t been used since your Ninety-Fifth birthday, and no one seems to notice the uncooked food including you. (Gotta hope everyone is immune to the bubonic plague, Deavon.)

6 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not decide to take a city break to a place you’ve never been. If you do, at best you understand Uber. At worst, you will need to rely on friendly strangers to help you get back home. (Funny how those sites you thought you would remember getting there now are so unfamiliar coming back huh, Dalbert. Good thinking on the luggage tag attached to your coat.)

5 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not go on a camping trip. If you do, at best you’ll have someone to help you set up camp. At worst, the search party will take another day to reach you in that ravine. (Good thing you packed your bourbon right, Delsin?)

4 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not take a road trip. If you do,  at best your AAA card will get your 67 Dodge back home. At worst, the first bar on your list will refuse to serve you without a doctor in attendance. (So much for acting out Animal House again, Deniz. Hey, wake up Jonesie. You don’t want him to miss the fun.)

3 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not get talked into skydiving. If you do, at best the airplane won’t start. At worst, your tandem diving instructor is a twenty-something who has a severe case of sleep apnea. (It is a good thing he woke up before the landing, Dermitt.)

2 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not consider a beach party. If you do, at best you’ll be sleeping with sand for a month. At worst, your walker is hopelessly useless, and you have to rely on your son-in-law to carry you everywhere. (It wasn’t so bad in the beginning, but that soft drink sure started an endless trek huh, Derrick?)

1 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not think a rock concert would be fun. If you do, at best you can modulate your hearing aid to accommodate the noise. At worst, once the fireworks start you’ll realize you forgot your emergency inhaler.(Wait. All of a sudden you have this euphoric feeling that comes from a second-hand high. This was not such a bad idea after, all, was it, Derwent?)

Ten Questions Not to Ask an Author

~ John W. Howell ~ 117 Comments

 

Top Ten Things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list was preparing myself to attend four book festivals this year. I was making a list of items that I needed, and it occurred to me that I should prepare some answers to obvious questions. One thing leads to another, and the list is born.

10 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Do you make a lot of money writing?” If you do, at best you might get a chuckle in reply. At worst, you might have to listen to a long diatribe about the meaning of art as opposed to monetary considerations. (Wow. You didn’t realize just how little the author made from his books did you, Dylan?)

9 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “How does your spouse feel about your writing? If you do, at best you’ll get a two-word answer, “They’re Fine.” At worst, you may have to support a sobbing author on your shoulder. (Hopefully, the author is not getting your shirt wet. Right, Diego? Bu the way, you make a lovely pair.)

8 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “So what is the difference between traditionally published and an indie?” If you do, at best you’ll get a solid objective answer. At worst, you will ask Tiny, the WWF champ, who has just received his 100th rejection letter from a traditional publisher. I imagine you hit a sore spot with Tiny, Drake. I think it is time to test those new running shoes. Yes, right now.)

7 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Is your book well written?” If you do, at best you will get a confused look. At worst, you may get a question in return to the effect of wondering if you have just arrived on the planet Earth. (Man, these authors are sensitive aren’t they, Douglass?)

6 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “What do you do all day?” If you do, at best you’ll get a smart reply like, “Drink bourbon.” At worst, you have to listen to a detailed reiteration by the fifteen-minute segment on the entire twenty-four hour day. (The bodily function and romance parts you could have done without hey, Dean?)

5 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Have you written anything that I might have read.?” If you do, at best the author will ask you what you have read. At worst, you will be left standing in the middle of the room with a “Kick Me Hard,” sign on your back. (So you thought you were engaging huh, Dennis?)

4 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Do you really like to write?” If you do, at best the author will offer you a cookie. At worst, the sound of crickets will lead you to quickly determine the crashing stupidity of your question. (I guess if authors didn’t like to write they might do something else. Don’t you agree, Dexter?”

3 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Do you have any bestsellers? If you do, at best the author does. At worst, you will have probably opened a wound that the author has been trying to work around. (Seems strange to witness a complete meltdown doesn’t it, Drew?)

2 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “What do you really do?” If you do, at best the author is a trust fund baby. At worst, the author’s response will be delivered at a decibel level designed to shatter glass. (Don’t just cover your ears, Duke. I would make plans to leave soon.)

1 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “What makes you write?” If you do, at best you’ll get a “little voices in my head,” answer. At worst, you’ll be pressed to explain what makes you breathe, eat, and sleep. (You gotta wonder if that author had been drinking don’t you, Desmond? He sure was spirited.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have a Winning Mega Millions Ticket

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

 

The inspiration for this post is the fact that this week there were single winning tickets sold for the Mega Millions and Powerball Lotto games. You and I don’t have to worry about how to handle these winnings so I guess this post is dedicated to those two winners of over $400 million each.

10 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not tweet “Yay I just won $400 million. If you do at best, you’ll only have ten followers. At worst, your tweet will go viral, and you will now have a million close and personal friends. (Looks like everyone needs a loan  huh, Carmichael?)

9 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not hire Tiny the WWF champ as a bodyguard. If you do, at best you’ll have to hire another to watch Tiny. At worst, Tiny will not be able to resist helping himself to your winnings even though he is a graduate of an intensive self-help course for kleptomaniacs. (You should have known when he showed up at your door offering his services, Carswell.)

8 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not give a press conference on national TV. If you do, at best it will take you hours to get home because of the traffic jam around your house. At worst, you will be asked for money everyplace you go since you are now well-known. (Who’s bright idea was that conference, Casimero? Oh yeah the lotto company.)

7 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not answer your phone. If you do, at best it might be your aunt, Mary. At worst, it will be your cousin Vinny reminding you of the five dollar bet you had back in high school. (Vinny believes that the interest on the bet now makes it worth $500,000. Told you not to answer the phone, Cassian.)

6 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not claim your prize without consulting a tax attorney.  If you do, at best you can afford the tax hit. At worst, the new tax laws will put you in a bracket called the 110 percent bracket. (Good luck in raising the extra $4o million you owe, Caster.)

5 If you have a winning Mega Million ticket, do not go out and buy everything on the planet. If you do, at best you’ll come to your senses while there is still money left. At worst, you’ll realize too late that there is no return guarantee on yachts, planes, castles, jewelry, and art. (Now that you have all this stuff, Cavan maybe it is time for a garage sale.)

4 If you have a winning Mega Million ticket, do not let the ticket out of your sight. If you do, at best it will still be where you left it last. At worst, the ticket will ride in your shirt pocket through the wash. (Those tickets sure come out clean don’t they, Chadburn? You would hardly know it used to be worth $400 million.)

3 If you have a winning Mega Million ticket, do not quit work. If you do, at best the ticket is genuine. At worst, though some computer error your ticket is not the winner. (So much for telling the boss where he could shove your job, huh Chiko?)

2 If you have the winning Mega Millions ticket, do not forget to look both ways before crossing the street. If you do, at best the traffic will be light. At worst, your heirs will be enjoying the fruit of your lotto win. (Hard to tell where that truck came from right, Cal?)

1 If you have the winning Mega Millions ticket, do not fail to set aside some for charity. If you do at best, you’ll be labeled a cheap skate. At worst, you won’t get a charitable deduction, and the world will be no better off having you in it. (You wonder why dogs growl and cats hiss when you come by, Scrooge?)

Top Ten New Year Resolutions Not to Make

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

 

New Years Day

We have all made resolutions which in hindsight we probably should have left alone. I hope you have tome to go back and make some revisions if one of these is on your list.

10 When making New Year resolutions, do not include a stipulation to lose weight. If you do, at best you’ll miss your target. At worst, you’ll feel bad about your progress and consume enough ice cream to turn your goal into a three-year affair. (Funny how easy those pounds come back huh, Carswell?)

9 When making New Year resolutions, do not vow to stand up to Tiny. If you do, at best, your resolution will last three minutes. At worst, you’ll meet Tiny just as he is leaving his anger management class with an assignment to hug the first person he meets. (I’m thinking you shoving Tiny away wasn’t the best move of the new year, Carver. Good thing you have new running shoes for Christmas.)

8 When making New Year resolutions, do not swear off your favorite drink. If you do, at best you be thinking of nothing else. At worst, after what seems like a year you will have way too much to the concern of friends and family. (You made it four hours, Case. Maybe next year.)

7 When making New Year resolutions, do not include an item that requires someone else to help. If you do, at best that someone will disappear. At worst, you will count on support only to find your helper has violated the resolution several weeks ago without letting you know. (Just think of all the times your helper told you to be strong, Caster. Is that boiling blood I hear?)

6 When making New Year resolutions, do not include additional exercise goals. If you do, at best you’ll last a week.  At worst, you’ll rationalize that getting up in the morning is challenging enough.(How about that sit-up when you first wake up?  It counts right, Chadwick?)

5 When making New Year resolutions, do not eliminate sweets. If you do, at best your withdrawal symptoms will require an intravenous infusion of chocolate. At worst, your cravings will take you to the extreme where all you can think about is sweets. (I can’t believe you actually took candy from that baby, Chanan. And at gunpoint? Aw come on.)

4 When making New Year resolutions, do not vow to eat healthy. If you do, at best your food groups will be reduced to soybeans and flax seed. At worst, just when you thought you were in control you wake up in the hospital learning you were found in the walk in cooler of the local McDonalds. (Just what were you thinking, Chane?)

3 When making New Year resolutions, do not count getting organized as one of your goals. If you do, at best you not be able to find anything. At worst, you will discover in late February that you threw out all your receipts for business expenses. (All those nasty papers were ruining your Karma right, Chevalier?)

2 When making New Year resolutions, do not hope to learn a new language. If you do, at best you’ll get hello and goodby down pat. At worst, you’ll think you have it whipped after the first lesson only to find some folks shocked at what you said. (It appears that “sit on my thumb,” and “I appreciate your help,” are very close in pronunciation, Chidi.)

1 When making New Year resolutions, don’t even think about promising yourself that you will write more in 2018. If you do, at best you’ll manage the same. At worst, you will be so discouraged by your progress you will think writer’s block was invented to torture you personally. (Rather daunting to count those words (or should I say word) today huh, Chisolm?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Wrapping Presents

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

Gift wrapping no nos

 

I always enjoy wrapping presents. I pretty much avoid the “store gift wrap” in favor of the messes I create. I think putting oneself into the process is a way you can show the recipients of the gift that you really care. The inspiration for this post is every year of doing my own. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are gift wrapping, don’t think it’s the thought that counts. If you do, at best your wrapping will look like you didn’t think at all. At worst, your package will be mistaken for trash and never opened in the first place. (No wonder you didn’t get a thank you, Cassidy.)

9 If you are gift wrapping, do not try to use a fake box with Tiny the WWF champ who just enrolled in a court-ordered intensive course on how to handle disappointment. If you do at best, you won’t be in the room when Tiny opens the Tiffany box to find a screwdriver. At worst, although Tiny will do his best to control himself it may be more than one can expect. (You have been thinking of removing that dining room wall anyway right, Crane?)

8 If you are gift wrapping, do not use seasonally inappropriate paper. If you do, at best others will think you mentally unstable. At worst, friends and family will gather and determine what to do with you now that you have lost track of time. (Okay so you wanted to save a few bucks on paper, but Easter wrap was not the way to go, Clive.)

7 If you are gift wrapping, do not forget the nametags. If you do, at best you’ll remember each gift and who it goes to just by the wrapping. At worst, Uncle Phil will wonder what you are trying to say with the Lady Schick electric razor gift. (You thought for sure that red box was a bottle of bourbon, Cal. I wonder what aunt Helen thinks of it.)

6 If you are gift wrapping, do not forget to measure twice before cutting once. If you do, at best there is a smaller box that can be wrapped with your mistakes. At worst, you have another trip to the wrapping store to get additional supplies. (Too bad they are all out of Christmas wrap huh, Cameron? They have plenty of Easter wrap though.)

5 If you are gift wrapping, do not use the same paper for all the gifts. If you do, someone will recognize it as last year’s $0.99 Target sale item. At worst, your display under the tree will look like the packages were done by Mrs. Jones first grade class. (Why is everyone asking if these gifts are meant for a Toys for Tots donation, Carling?)

4 If you are gift wrapping, do not throw away the return receipts. If you do, at best all your gifts will be perfect. At worst, those gifts that were a little off the mark will show up next year. (You could have sworn you gave this scarf to your cousin last year huh, Carmichael?)

3 If you are gift wrapping, do not think more scotch tape will solve sloppy wrapping. If you do, at best your recipients will have a scissor handy to cut through. At worst, you’ll get calls about paper cuts and tape in kid’s hair. (Maybe taking more time would have been a good idea, Carver.)

2 If you are gift wrapping, do not try to create what you are not qualified to design. If you do, at best yours will be the last one opened. At worst, your package will end up looking like a bizarre thing that should be soaked in water before being disarmed. (Gotta wonder why your brother-in-law called the bomb squad. That grenade on top was a dummy right, Caster?)

1 If you are gift wrapping, do not think a bunch of sparkling confetti in the box will be well received. If you do, at best the recipient will be kind and not shoot you. At worst, the gift will be opened on the new white living room carpet. (You just know that stuff will be there until next year don’t you, Chadwick?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Apartment

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list came as were spending some hurricane evacuation time in an apartment. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are in an apartment, do not drop your weights like the bozos at the gym. If you do, at best the manager will visit At worst, that last set of one hundred pounds ended with the repair bill for both your floor and the ceiling below you. (That drop was pretty expensive huh, Christopher. Lucky there was no one in the recliner down there.)

9 If you are in an apartment, do not think your wailing guitar is appreciated by everyone at two in the morning. If you do, at best the police will only give you a warning. At worst, you’ll get a visit from Tiny the WWF champ who was just released from the sleep disorder clinic, and this was the first night he actually fell asleep. (Notice how that locked door came off the hinges, Cameron? I’d like you to meet Tiny the big guy that looks like a freight train, and he’s headed your way.)

8 If you are in an apartment, do not rent the bottom floor unit. If you do, at best you may get used to the noise above. At worst, you’ll finally crack and will go door pounding in the middle of the night. (Those people have every right to be afraid, Connor. Might have been a good idea to check in the mirror before doing your Shining, “Daddy’s home,” imitation.)

7 If you are in an apartment, do not cook your favorite boiled cabbage recipe except on St. Patrick’s Day. If you do, at best your neighbors will wish for your death. At worst, the super will call in the exterminator believing your apartment is the scene of many pests. (Be careful opening that door, Cody. That cloud left by the bug bomb explosion might take you out as well.)

6 If you live in an apartment, do not forget to lock your door. If you do, at best no one will notice. At worst, you’ll come home to a place that looks like you never lived there. (You have to wonder how a thief could take four rooms of furniture with no one noticing don’t you, Carter?)

5 If you live in an apartment, do not throw a party unless you invite the neighbors on either side as well as above and below. If you do, at best you might be annoyed by all the floor and ceiling pounding. At worst, you better hope everyone at the party is legal because the SWAT team coming up the stairs will sure want to check. (You had no idea the Jackson Twins were under twenty-one did you, Chris. Well, it’s not going to matter that they weren’t known or invited by you and no one else either.)

4 If you live in an apartment, do not think the barbecue grill will be available when you want to use it. If you do, at best you’ll have to wait your turn. At worst your choice will come down to eating at midnight or a pan-fried steak. (What is it about that Teflon flavor in a great cut of meat that adds so much to the elegance of the meal, Charlie.)

3 If you live in an apartment, do not think everyone follows the shower before entering the pool rule. If you do, at best you might be surprised by the ring. At worst, you may be caught unaware of the unofficial rule which is, “Do not put your head under water.” (Had a bunch of unexplained sore throats lately huh, Calvin?)

2 If you live in an apartment, do not ignore the trash pickup rules. If you do, at best you will only have to be taught once. At worst, the pickup service will no longer stop at your door and trying to put your trash next door will earn you a potential black eye. (That guy sure got mad when he stepped on your paper bag full of garbage didn’t he, Cory? How is that eye by the way?)

1 If you live in an apartment, do not pick up and shake other people’s packages which are outside their door. If you do, at best you’ll never get caught. At worst, you just shook a package as the door of the recipient opened.(The bad part was it was a gift six Baccarat champagne flutes which are now dust, Clark. I don’t think saying, “Oh I think this is yours, my mistake,” is going to cover this one up.)

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Contractor

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to D0

 

The inspiration for this list has been a number of discussions held with contractors lately. Hope you like it.

10 Do not say to a contractor, “I’m in no rush.” If you do, at best the job will take longer than you could conceive. At worst, you’ll be on the bottom of the list of clients and your job might get done before you retire. (The fact that you are only forty is not comforting, Desmond.)

9 Do not say to a contractor, “I want your best price.” If you do, at best the bid will only be ten percent more than it would have been. At worst, your bid will come out somewhere North of what you expected to pay to rebuild the house let alone do repairs. (Hang on to that defibrillator, Dalton. You may need it when the actual bill is presented given all the change orders.)

8 Do not say to a contractor, “I have another bid to compare with yours.” If you do, at best you will actually get his bid. At worst, you will wait for a bid that will never come since the contractor figured you would take the other one anyway. (That strategy didn’t work well did it, Darren?)

7 Do not say to a contractor, “I really don’t know what I want.” If you do at best, it will cost plenty to find out. At worst, you may spend a lot of money and finally know what you don’t want. (That is sure an ugly addition don’t you think, Dustin?)

6 Do not say to a contractor, “Do what you think is best.” If you do, at best what is best for the contractor is best for you. At worst, what is best for the contractor is to send his child to college on the proceeds from your job. (Should have asked more questions, Davis.)

5 Do not say to a contractor, “I don’t mind a little dust.” If you do, at best your vacuum will keep up. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the ER with advanced symptoms of asthma. (You should have known when all the workers were wearing respirators, Deacon.)

4 Do not say to a contractor, “We get up early.” If you do, at best early is eight o’clock to the contractor. At worst, first light will bring you the wake-up sound of a skill saw in the next room. (Establishing the work hours might have been wise, Dwayne.)

3 Do not say to a contractor, “We can do without water for as long as it takes to fix.” If you do, at best the fix will be quick. At worst, the water will be shut off on Friday at three in the afternoon and the job is finished that next Monday at nine o’clock AM. (A nice long weekend without water for a three-hour repair is not a bad trade-off, right Darrell?)

2 Do not say to a contractor, “Help yourself to soft drinks and water.” If you do, at best there will be use only when needed. At worst, you didn’t realize that the contractor’s city-wide crew numbered thirty and you were out of liquid by noon. (Should have set a limit huh, Devan?)

1 Do not say to a contractor, “Sure you can come back later and finish that little job.” If you do, at best you’ve held back some money and it does get done. At worst, you paid the whole bill and it has been three months without a return phone call. (Good luck with that little job. Maybe you can hire another contractor to do it, Duane.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are Bored

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

Top Ten Things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list was a daydreaming session where I wondered what it would be like to be bored and then what it would be like to make some bad choices as a result of being bored. I hope you like it.

10 If you are bored, do not attend a city council meeting. If you do at best, you’ll get a needed nap. At worst, you will attempt to liven things up with an outrageous proposal. ( You didn’t think the idea of a five-year-old taking over the mayor’s job would gain traction did you, Dylan? You make being the laughing-stock look like a legitimate profession.)

9 If you are bored, do not go to the grocery store. If you do, at best you will hope the paper goods section has been moved only to find it hasn’t. At worst, you will fill your cart and then jump into the ten items or less line being manned by Tiny the WWF champ. Tiny was just told by the manager he is too soft when it comes to demanding compliance with the ten or under rule. (You did hold your own for a while there, Drake.)

8 If you are bored, do not go to the park to watch a chess match. If you do, at best one of the players will move a piece. At worst, you will have the luck of observing two well-matched players for what turns into a ten-hour match. (Not sure what you were expecting, Douglass but this is not a contact sport.)

7 If you are bored, do not turn on reruns of the 90’s show “Cop Rock.” If you do, at best you’ll fall into a deep sleep. At worst, about mid-episode, you will suddenly realize watching paint dry is better than this. ( Thinking that you like music and cop shows, you thought this would be a winner right, Dean?)

6 If you are bored, do not take up a hobby that has been identified as most boring. If you do, at best you’ll snap out of it. At worst, your family will set up an intervention to stop your traffic cone collection activities. (Just because the living room is filled with traffic cones you didn’t see the hospitalization coming did you, Dexter?)

5 If you are bored, do not take up a hobby like bungee jumping. If you do, at best you’ll chicken out before the first jump. At worst, you’ll make a jump and then have to buy numerous copies of the video where you are screaming like a baby.(Oops. You missed the one that went viral on YouTube, Duke.)

4 If you are bored, do not go to Las Vegas for some excitement. If you do, at best your first thousand dollar loss will cure you. At worst, just for kicks, you put your life savings on the black spot at the roulette wheel. (Retirement is now put off until you are eighty-two, Drew?) Editor’s note –  Unfortunate alliteration.

3 If you are bored, do not plan to visit North Dakota. If you do, at best you’ll go in the summer. At worst, you’ll be caught in the snow and can look forward to playing solitaire until May. (Hopefully, you’ll have a deck of fifty-two, Dalton.)

2 If you are bored, do not organize something. If you do, at best it will be a half-hearted effort. At worst, you will get so wrapped up in the organization that you’ll take on signs of a classic OCD attack. (Just put that paper anywhere, Darren. You’ll never look at it again anyway.)

1 If you are bored, do not look up a list of what to do if you are bored. If you do, at best the list may be extensive. At worst you might do one of the items like “download the Bitmoji app. Make your personalized emoji, and then send all your friends fun cartoon texts.”* (Wonder where your friends went, Dane?)

*From 96 Things to Do When You’re Bored by Katie Sweeney. An excellent list of things to do.

Top Ten Things Not to Say as an Excuse

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments

Excuses

 

The inspiration for this list has been my exposure to a number of excuses as to why things have not been fixed. Even worse were the excuses for not showing up.

 

10 If you need an excuse for not showing up, do not say “I got too busy.” If you do at best you won’t be invited back. At worst, you will have convinced your customer that they are last in your priority scheme. (Sooner or later you will run out of customers, Bardot.)

9 If you need an excuse for missing a birthday, Do not say, “You never age in my eyes.” If you do, at best your birthday will be payback. At worst, you’ll have a long time until forgiveness. (How’s that dog house in the winter, Bastian?)

8 If you need an excuse for being late for work, do not say, “Traffic was heavy today.” If you do, at best the boss will wonder why your co-works all made it on time. At worst, you’ll open yourself to the suggestion that you car pool with Tiny the WWF champ who like to eat garlic sandwiches for breakfast. (That gas mask just doesn’t help does it, Bennet?)

7 If you need an excuse for not buying Girl Scout cookies, do not say,” I just bought some at work.” If you do and have not, at best you’ll be found out. At worst, the scout you turned down will miss her quota by one box and will be shamed into a life of crime. (Okay maybe a little dramatic, Bertie but think of the hurt feelings.)

6 If you need an excuse for avoiding inviting the boss for dinner, do not say, “We have black mold at our house.” If you do, at best you’ll be eating your lunch alone. At worst, your boss will insist on a decontamination procedure that will leave you hairless. (Don’t worry Brandon, most of the hair will grow back over time. Sorry about that patch up front.)

5 If you need an excuse  for a dented rental car, do not say, “I have no idea how that got there.” If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, your insurance company will add an increment to your premium reflecting stupidity. (Should have just admitted someone hit the car huh, Brock?)

4 If you need an excuse when caught re-gifting to the person who gifted you in the first place, do not say, “I loved this and you so much I wanted you to have it back.” If you do, at best your pants will catch on fire. At worst, your ex friend will most likely throw the item at you. (You are glad it wasn’t that bar bell set you were going to palm off on him, right Bartlett?)

3 If you need an excuse when pulled over by the police for speeding, do not say, “I’ll bet you want to remind me about the policeman’s ball.” If you do, at best the officer won’t hear you. At worst, your words could be understood as offering a bribe. (Those cuffs behind the back are uncomfortable aren’t they, Barty?)

2 If you need an excuse for coming home at two o’clock in the morning smelling like a brewery do not say, “I was working late.” If you do, at best all conversation will stop until the morning. At worst, the morning conversation will be accompanied by the headache and upset stomach commonly associated with a hangover. (Why didn’t you just admit you partied too much, Buford?)

1 If you need an excuse for avoiding a visit to the in-laws do not say, “I have to work.” If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, since it is Sunday you’ll be caught in a fib which will take on increasingly larger proportions as the day gets longer. (How will you ever work out of this one, Belvin?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself

~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

Ten things not to do

The inspiration for this list is a result of thinking of doing home repair projects myself. This list helped me decide otherwise.

10 If your electrical service is out, do not try to diagnose and fix the problem. If you do, at best you’ll melt a screwdriver. At worst, the jolt you receive will clear your mind and sinus. (The manual said the while wire was dead huh, Bandos?)

9 If your pipes leak, do not try the DIY plumber ploy. If you do at best, you can get the leak to stop a little. At worst, you will finally give up when the water level is above your knees. (That last tighten move broke everything loose did it, Berto?)

8 If you need to fix the drywall, do not do it alone. If you do, at best you’ll finally give up. At worst, you’ll pull something that really hurts. (Hope you enjoy the body cast, Brandt. It is only for twelve weeks.)

7 If your roof needs repair, do not go up there. If you do, at best the gutters will break your fall. At worst, you can be heard screaming for blocks as you slide down the roof only to land on Tiny, the WWF champ, who just started his new job at UPS. (Notice how fast Tiny recovers from a sneak attack? Too bad every bone in your body won’t let you run away, Burley.)

6 If your window needs replacement, do not try it alone. If you do, at best it will fall out while your back is turned, At worse, the first wind will cause the window to fall from the second story, just as the minister rings your doorbell. (Belonging to that church was optional right, Burt?)

5 If your siding needs to be replaced, do not do it with friends. If you do, At best no one will get hurt. At worst, the job goes well until your neighbor steps off the ladder thinking he is a ground level. (A little too much beer and the second story does seem like ground level, Boswell.)

4 If there is concrete work to do, do not do it. If you insist, at best the work will look like a kindergarten class project. At worst, the idea of handprints and initials will take on a sinister aspect when you can’t get free. (On TV that Hollywood walk of fame thingy looks easy. Right. Brinsley?)

3 If you have a tree that needs removal, do not think you are Paul Bunyan. If you do, at best the only limbs affected are on the tree. At worst your scream of “timber,” is totally ignored by your house. ( Nice to have that two-story view of the sky isn’t it, Buzzy?)

2 If you have tile work that is necessary, do not think it is as easy as it looks. If you do, at best that herringbone pattern appears like a fun house mirror. At worst, your first shower in the newly tiled space will resemble a melting marshmallow flow. (There was something about waiting for 72 hours for the grout to dry wasn’t there, Bodie?)

1 If your house needs to be power washed, do not think you can do it. If you do, at best you’ll quit in time. At worst, you won’t notice that the stong spray is taking off the paint along with the dirt. (You can also see the lighting fixtures blown into the neighbor’s yard if you pay attention, Burl.)