Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Boston Tea Party in 1773

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

Top Ten Things not to do

 

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical backdrop. Since December 16, 1773, is the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party the Top Ten list will help you avoid any trouble should you time travel to the event.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Boston Tea Party by John W. Howell © 2018

10 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not wear your “Stay Calm and Pay Your Stamp Tax,” sweatshirt. If you do, at best your outer coat will cover it. At worse, several colonists will notice it all at once. (Well, Garrick, it looks like you are going into the Boston harbor along with those 342 chests of tea. Hope you can swim.)

9 If you go to the Boston Tea party, do not stop Tiny the WWF champ if he starts throwing other stuff besides tea into the Boston Harbor. If you do, at best Tiny will be so engrossed trying to rip off the mast that he’ll think you are trying to help. At worst, Tiny who just failed his anger management course will stop tearing up the deck of the boat to concentrate on you. (Looks like it might be a good time to practice your rope climb, Garsone. I have it on good authority Tiny likes to rip things in two before tossing them in the harbor. It helps with his anger issue.)

8 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not tell Samuel Adams how much you enjoy his beer. If you do, at best he’ll give you a puzzled look. At worst, he will question you extensively about what you mean. (Good luck avoiding spilling the beans about time travel, Gaven. You’ll be lucky to escape a witches trial for what will sound like lies.)

7 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not ask the crew to save you some Earl Grey. If you do, at best they will think you are joking. At worst, such a request would be perceived as something a royal would make. (This is great. You are now being taken for a British royal, Gavyn. You are going to have a hard time floating once that chest to which you are chained becomes water soaked.)

6 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not try to convince the crew that the Mohawk Indian disguise is not politically correct. If you do, at best you’ll get some puzzled looks. At worst, the crew will think you are disrespecting them. (These guys have ways of dealing with disrespect, Gaynor. How’s that Mohawk haircut feel? I hope that ax was sharp enough to cut and not pull your hair out.)

5 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not try to convince the captain of the British ship Beaver that the name of his ship should be changed to a more socially acceptable name. If you do, at best he will be too busy trying to repel raiders to listen. At worst, you will be the only member of the raiding party to be clapped in irons. (How do you think you will raise the money to compensate for the tea loss, Gedalya? In today’s dollars the $18,000 loss is $553,254.15. You do know debtor’s prison terms are a real thing back then?)

4 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not bring scones and clotted cream. If you do, at best your fellow raiders will think you’re nuts. At worst, you’ll be sent home to write 1000 times, “I will not joke about the Tea Party.” (When you turn in your paper to Sam Adams, Genius, I would bring a gift. You just might save yourself from being deported to England. Not too many in England are amused about the loss of the tea.)

3 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not hum “America the Beautiful” while you dump your assigned tea crates. If you do, at best your fellow raiders are too busy to take notice. At worst, a raider might think you are humming “God Save the King.” ( His look is anything but comforting, Georgie. I think I would prepare to get wet if I were you.)

2 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not forget to mute your cell phone ringer. If you do, at best in the noise of the raid no one will hear it. At worse, the entire raiding party will stop what they are doing and look at you in stunned silence. (You gotta hope that whoever is calling you, Geremia will hang up now. If you pull out that cell phone, you might as well jump overboard and take your chances with the British.)

1 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not ask your fellow raiders if they are red sox fans. If you do, at best they will think you are talking about foot coverings. At worst, your fellow raiders will think you are talking in code, and since you used the color red, you are a British agent. (The key to surviving walking the plank, Gergor is to get those ropes wrapped around your arms off quickly. Sounds impossible you say? Fair enough. Can you hold your breath for twenty minutes?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sunday Football Game at Philadelphia in 1933

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

This is a continuation of the Top Ten Things Not to Do list with a historical background. Today marked the anniversary of the first Sunday football game played in Philadelphia in 1933. If you were there, some actions are a no-no.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sunday Football Game at Philadelphia in 1933

10 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not sit next to your parish priest unless you have been to church. If you do, at best you can take confession right there. At worst, you will be invited to a special service titled Miscreants of the Week. ( Of all the seats in the stadium you had to pick this one, Farzad.)

9 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not forget to tip Tiny, the WWF Champ and now stadium vendor, for your hot dog. If you do, at best that mustard stain on your back will come out. At worst, Tiny who believes tips are a showing of love will think you hate him. (The time to vacate your seat is now, Fedele. That large tray of hot dogs will not rest well when Tiny lets it go in your direction.)

8 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not try to eat a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich and cheer for your team at the same time. If you do, At best the guy in front of you is wearing a raincoat. At worst, your expelled cheesesteak bite goes down the collar of the police chief in the row in front of you. (I don’t think you will be able to explain this as an accident, Felicien. Good luck on your first night in jail)

7 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not cause yourself to be over-celebrating on your carry in hootch just because the blue laws in Pennsylvania allowed Sunday sports. If you do, at best you’ll find someone to take you home. At worst, you will need an ironclad excuse for spending the night in the bleachers. (Gotta wonder why none of the cleaning crew found you huh, Fenris.)

6 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not sit in the Chicago section wearing your Eagles jersey. If you do, at best the fans around you think you have a mental condition. At worst, as the game progresses someone may get the idea to remove you crowd surfing you over the lip of the Baker Bowl stadium. (It is a long fall from the top to the parking lot, Ferke. Flapping your arms may help a little.)

5 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not think you don’t have to pay off your bet because the score was tied at 3 and 3. f you do, at best the bookie consider your bet too small to collect. At worst, your bookie is the kind who believes any no pay a matter of honor. ( Those cement overshoes are styling, Fidal. Might prove to hamper treading water though.)

4 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not blow your large and loud horn to cheer on your team. If you do, at best you’ll be sitting alone. At worst, your fellow participants will tire of losing their hats, hair, and hearing and will stuff your horn where the sun don’t shine. (I know I’m surprised as well, Finnbar. I think that high decibel honk is terrific. Might be better on a MAC truck though.)

3 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not ask your neighbor to share their popcorn. If you do, at best the corn will be gone. At worst, your neighbor has just been diagnosed with the flu and is more than happy to share. (Don’t worry, Fionn. In the 30’s the flu only took maybe half of those diagnosed. Oh, look a guy in a black hoodie carrying a scythe. I don’t see any hay that needs cutting do you?)

2 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not run out and attempt to ring the Liberty Bell to count the first field goal points. If you do, at best the Liberty Bell Center in Independence National Historic Park will be closed on Sunday. At worst, your attempt at goodwill has been seen as a terrorist act. ( Well, you’ve earned yourself a nice cozy room in Guantanamo, Firmann. I have no idea why it is so dark here.)

1 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not dispute how the Eagles got their name. If you do, at best there was no money on the fact that they got their name from the Blue Eagle which was a symbol for economic recovery during the Franklin Roosevelt administration. At worst, you now need to walk home since you put your car up to back your bet that the Eagles were named after the great American Bald Eagle. (You could have been right too, Flanagan. You might try putting your thumb out. Maybe some hapless fool will give you a lift.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

 

harvard

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with history as a backdrop. Harvard College, the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States, is founded in Cambridge, Mass on this day in 1636.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.

10 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not suggest a celebration with a kegger party. If you do, at best the kegger store will be closed. At worst, the administration will create a rule against keggers. (Congratulations, Fyodor. You are the first student at the college to be put on probation.)

9 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not pledge a fraternity where Tiny the WWF champ is a member. If you do, at best Tiny will flunk out before you get there. At worst, Tiny who was just criticized by the dean for necessary hazing had ordered you to bend over. (Let’s hope the dean lecture has not made Tiny even angrier, Frederick. Is that paddle as big as it looks?)

8 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not organize a demonstration protesting the dorm food. If you do, at best no one will join you. At worst, the college put you in charge of food procurement. (Looks like your fellow students are getting tired of squirrel stew, Falcon. I think I would try to raise a few vegetables if I were you.)

7 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not cut class on the first warm day. If you do, at best you can get notes from the nerd, At worst, your professor will pull a pop quiz that is 20% of the term grade. (No amount of begging is going to help, Fallon. I would go to the infirmary and see if you can con someone into an excuse.)

6 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize a football team. If you do, at best no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll find some players who are ready to play but can’t see a ball. (Looks like you will have to make one, Fraser. Try to get it a little rounder okay. That thing looks like a fat sausage.)

5 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not go outside wearing that Yale sweatshirt. If you do, at best no one will notice since Yale was founded in 1701. At worst, someone will take offense thinking Yale is an acronym for Young American Liquor Enterprise. (You have to understand the Puritan Ethic is still pretty strong, Fiorello. The time in the stocks will go fast. Think positive.)

4 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not fail to return your library book on time. If you do, at best the fine is only 1p a week. At worst, a press-gang will come looking for you. (It would have been easier to return the book, Ferril. Now you won’t get back to the College until your sea duty is over. Five years will go pretty quickly.)

3 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize the first co-ed dance. If you do, at best your fellow students will just laugh. At worst the administration will pass a rule prohibiting co-ed dancing. (Good luck finding a co-ed, Fabrice. The first sex-blind admissions were not until 1977. Oh, and you need to serve time on the dunking chair due to the rule violation. I hope those hold your breath contests come in handy.)

2  If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not park your horse in the faculty parking lot. If you do, at best no one will need the space. At worst, professor Curmudgeon will alert campus security to shoot you on sight. (Never thought taking a tenured professor’s parking place was that big of a deal, huh Faddei. Those musket balls look like they would hurt.)

1 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not buy your books ahead of time at the used bookstore. If you do, at best you might save money. At worst, the professor will change the course text with no notice. (Well, looks like your used books will make an excellent fire starter, Fadil. Better luck next term)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Were with Edison in 1879

~ John W. Howell ~ 44 Comments

Thomas Edison

This is a continuation of the Top Ten on a historical backdrop. On October 21st after 14 months of testing, Thomas Edison first demonstrates his electric lamp, hoping to one day compete with the gaslight.

Top Ten Things Not to do if You were with Edison in 1879

10 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not say, “Watson come here I need you.” If you do, at best no one will answer. At worst, you will be escorted from the room and your 100 shares of Edison stock revoked. (You somehow got Alexander Graham Bell mixed up with Edison, Frici.)

9 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not elbow Tiny the WWF champ out of the way for a better view. If you do, at best Tiny will ignore you. At worst, Tiny, who has an aversion to being touched will use his hips to body check you out the door. (You didn’t think a big guy could move that fast huh, Friduwulf? Too bad the door was closed when you went through it.)

8 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not touch anything before the demonstration. If you do, at best you’ll avoid the live wire. At worst, you will inadvertently disconnect the main lead. (The test was a failure, Frisco. Thanks to you we are all living with gas lamps today.)

7 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not tell him how to improve his speech. If you do, at best he will do the speech the way he wrote it. At worst he will take your suggestions. (Thanks to you, Fynbar, the electric light bulb was named by Edison as “the better mousetrap of gas lamps.”)

6 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not mention to bystanders that the British had toyed with incandescent bulbs since the 1830’s. If you do, at best Edison won’t hear you. At worst, you’ll be talking with a reporter from the Wall Street Journal. (Well now you’ve done it, Fernando. The headline reads “Edison steals British Idea.” Good luck with your future stock options.)

5 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not make jokes about the Edison Screw. If you do, at best you better hope he doesn’t hear you. At worst, the joke carries a big laugh, and now you are unemployed. (You had no way of knowing, Francisco, that the Edison Screw is the standard set up for light bulbs and sockets. The joke was pretty funny though.)

4 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not trip and let the only bulb fall to the floor. (If you do, at best the carpet will prevent a disaster. At worst, the lab floor is made of concrete. (Well, there goes the demonstration, Franklin. Future generations of those who do not have General Electric to work for salute you.)

3 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not suggest naming the company. If you do, at best Edison will choose his own name. At worst, he will call the company after a significant advantage of the bulb. (Somehow the Less Gas Light Company doesn’t sound too good when you say it out loud, Frankie. Let’s hope he comes to his senses.)

2 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not try to talk him out of his idea about motion pictures. If you do, at best he will avoid you on the subject. At worst, you will be successful, and he will abandon the idea. (So where are you going with that tub of buttered popcorn, Freddy?)

1 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not suggest that he read from the newspaper on the first recorded conversation. If you do, at best he will choose his own literature. At worst. He will listen to you and select the classifieds. (So now the first recorded voice puts everyone to sleep, Fletcher. Mary Had a Little Lamb is so much better.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Helped Found Germantown Pennslyvania in 1683.

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America’s oldest settlements. Since this week marks that anniversary, the Top Ten Things Not to Do provides advice (maybe a little late) if you found yourself part of that event.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Helped Found Germantown Pennslyvania in 1683.

10 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not wear your “I’d Rather be in Philadelphia,” T-shirt. If you do, at best your neighbors may wonder where your loyalties lie. At worst, you just might be left behind in Philadelphia to fend for yourself. (You are years away from the invention of the Philly Cheese Steak, Farvardin so life there may be hard.)

9 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try and tell Sehr Klein (Tiny) the GWF (German Wrestling Federation) where he can camp. If you do, at best he won’t understand your American German. At worst, you caught him just as he was released from a program of forced restraint and now wants to be free. (Looks like Sehr Klein has designs on demonstrating his Step Over Toe Hold on you, Fay. You do know how to wrestle, don’t you?)

8 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not admit you don’t like beer and would rather have a white wine. If you do, at best the rest will be grateful there is more for them. At worst, the powers that be may come to the conclusion you are  French. (Now you have to worry about being invaded, Felican. Don’t worry just surrender and all will be well.)

7 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not think clever nicknames will be appreciated by your explorers. If you do, at best no one will answer when you use them. At worst, folks will get the idea you are possessed. ( If you hold your breath long enough you may survive the witch’s dunk tank, Felton. You now regret calling the leader “Fritz,” don’t you?)

6 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not refuse to live in a cave-like dwelling. If you do, at best you’ll be able to find a tent. At worst, you will not have a place when the winter snows settle in. (The cave homes were temporary, Feri. I think you ought to change your mind before those blue feet fall off.)

5 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not suggest a night on the town in Philadelphia. If you do, at best it is a six-mile walk, and you’ll have to go alone. At worst, you’ll get some friends to join you, and they will make you the designated transport person. (Nothing like trying to carry a couple of passed out revelers, huh Finnan? Too bad horses won’t be brought to Germantown for another three years.)

4 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not suggest solving the food shortage with a delivery from Dominoes. If you do, at best your cohorts will think you crazy. At worst you will be tasked with going out foraging for nuts, berries, and squirrel. ( Looks like your nut allergy is going to sideline your efforts, Fidello. Good luck explaining what a nut allergy is to these fifteenth-century roughnecks)

3 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not complain when you get a blister on your hand from chopping down trees. If you do, at best you will become the laughing stock of the settlement. At worst, you will be assigned a new job that is even harder. (How do you like playing the Ox on the front of that plow, Fionan? That whip sure clears the sinus huh?)

2 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try to form a football team to play Philadelphia. If you do, at best you might get one or two players. At worst, you’ll field a whole team and have to face the Phillies. (Did you think this through, Finnolaugh? Those guys are huge and don’t have to walk six miles to play.)

1 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try to sell brightly colored cloth and jewelry. If you do, at best you have no buyers. At worst, since the community is made up of Mennonites, you might be the recipient of a religious intervention. (Nothing more elegant than having a group of bearded elders trying to exorcize the devil, huh Flainn? Wow that red-hot poker looks wicked.)

Top Ten things Not to Do While Rome Burns in AD 64

~ John W. Howell ~ 58 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten series with a historical background. Hope you enjoy.

10 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not practice your Lyre. If you do, at best you might be mistaken as a leader. At worst, the number one Lyre player might think you are mocking him. (I see a few centurions at your gate Finnobar. Time to move out.)

9 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to ignore Tiny the WWF champ when he yells instructions. If you do, at best Tiny will only grab you and toss you over the wall. At worst, Tiny who just graduated from Gladiator school will take the opportunity to hone his skills. (Looks like you have the net and trident Flynn. Might not be a match for the mace and double-edged sword. I would suggest begging.)

8 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wear your I’m a Happy Christian t-shirt today. If you do, at best no one will notice it. At worst, since the fire is being blamed on Christians, you may meet a lion up close and personal. (I think you need to do more than the “nice kitty” statement, Flannagain.)

7 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to get a refund on your Circus Maximus tickets. If you do, at best no one will be at the ticket office. At worst, you will be last in a line of 10,000. (Not to worry, Flin. There is always a fire-check for the next show.)

6 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not walk around town with that torch. If you do, at best people will think you are connected. At worst, someone will get the idea you had something to do with the fire. (Now it looks like you really have to leave town, Fonzell. Wonder what’s happening in Naples?)

5 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not show people in the pub the plans for Domus Aurea, Nero’s palace to be built on the ruins. If you do, at best no one in the pub will understand what you have. At worst, one of the customers is a senator. (Looks like you are on the hook as the source of the fire, Forba. I think you ought to ask for a little traveling music and move on.)

4 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to put out the flames if there are thugs warning you not to do it. If you do, at best you might get a black eye. At worst, you might need to answer to Nero as to why you tried to stop the fire. (Not known for his largess, Nero may have you on the next train to Lionsville, Fortino.)

3 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not set up a smores stand. If you do, at best you’ll have a few customers. At worst, folks will take your cavalier attitude to heart. (Looks like a gang of residents heading this way have blood in their eye, Franko. Maybe its time to pack up.)

2 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wait to evacuate. If you do, at best you might have to run for your life. At worst, you might get cut off and have to take a leap into Tiber River. (Sad thing about that sundial, Frang. Shoulda checked to see if it was waterproof before making the leap.)

1 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not think your hotel still offers room service. If you do, at best you’ll be disappointed. At worst, you’ll wait too long for service and forget to check out when your room starts burning. (Don’t think the bill will be overlooked, Frans. They will find you no matter how far and no matter how long.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the 1849 California Gold Rush

~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

Top Ten Things not to do

 

This edition continues the historical background on the Top Ten feature. I hope you like it.

10 If you are near the gold rush, do not sell everything to go mine gold. If you do, at best you will break even. At worst, you’ll find that you have blown your life savings chasing a dream. (Seems you could have found a better way to blow your money, Farquharson. You could try self-publishing.)

9 If you are near the gold rush, do not move that stake at the corner of Tiny the WWF champ’s claim. If you do, at best Tiny will let you put it back. At worst, Tiny figures you are jumping his claim. (No use even putting up a fight, Farrin. I would just lay there. Tiny is bound to lose interest sooner or later.)

8 If you are near the gold rush, do not hide your gold under the straw mattress on your cot. If you do, at best the lump will keep you awake. At worst, sadly that’s the first place a thief will look. (Well, now you need to start over, Farrs. With any luck, you get that gold dust back in another six months of panning.)

7 If you are near the gold rush, do not describe someone to his face as a sourdough. If you do, at best the person is too new to the file to know that a sourdough is someone from Canada who has come to California in search of Gold. At worst, the person might take exception to be labeled as a Canadian even if he is. (Might as well take it back, Farson. Looks like he is mighty angry.)

6 If you are near the gold rush, do not wear your 7 for All Mankind jeans to work. If you do, at best you will attract many stares. At worst, the Levi-Strauss salesperson might decide a gunfight is in order. (I guess you didn’t realize that Levi’s were the official jean of the gold rush huh, Favian. No worries, just buy a pair and all will be forgotten.)

5 If you are near the gold rush, do not announce any discoveries of gold. If you do, at best you’ll have more friends. At worst, the mob scene that will transpire is more than you can handle. (Your claim needs to be defended, Fedyenka. But do you really want to shoot someone?)

4 If you are near the gold rush, do not complain about the cost of food. If you do, at best you’ll be told to go elsewhere. At worst, the cook may decide that serving you requires more reimbursement and raises his prices again. (Funny, Felix but you are the only one paying more for everything.)

3 If you are near the gold rush, do not think you can set up a get rich quick wagon and tool rental business. If you do, at best all your tools will be rented out, and you’ll need to get more. At worst, none of the devices will be brought back, and the rentals do not cover the cost. (This was not how it was supposed to work, Fergus.)

2 If you are near the gold rush, do not drink whatever is in that bottle in the saloon. If you do, at best you won’t go blind. At worst, you might lose track of time and wake up three weeks from now broke and homeless. (Imagine if you’d had enough money to buy two bottles, Fiacre. You might not be with us right now.)

1 If you are near the gold rush, do not pan for gold. If you do, at best you won’t find any. At worst, you might pull a couple of specks out of the sand which will cause an extreme attack of gold fever. (Well that does it, Fidelis. You are hooked. See you in a couple of years when your money runs out.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Battle of the Alamo

~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments

Alamo

The inspiration for this list is the idea of matching Ten Things Not to Do with historical events. I hope you enjoy this one.

10 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think offering margaritas all around is going to help anything. If you do, at best everyone will be too busy to take you up on the offer. At worst only the best shooters on your side decided to have a couple and now can’t hit the broad side of a barn. (I guess you were hoping the Mexicans would be in a similar shape huh, Fritz?)

9 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if you can borrow his gun. If you do, at best he’ll just say no. At worst, since he extremely nearsighted he may mistake you for a Mexican soldier and give you a body slam over the wall. (It only hurts getting up, Felco so I would just lay there.)

8 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not walk around eating a bean burrito. If you do, at best you will have to share. At worst, from far away a sharpshooter may mistake you for a Mexican Federal soldier. ( I know you were hungry, Freddie, but the food of the day is hardtack and salt pork. Tortillas are the other side food of the day.)

7 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not wear your Santa Anna Sucks t-shirt. If you do, at best no one will notice. At worst, Santa Anna will want it as a souvenir.  ( I think you heard him right, Faris. He said he didn’t care if it was bloodstained or not. Just give it to him.)

6 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not ask Davy Crockett for an autograph. If you do, at best he’ll just laugh. At worst, he’ll give you a lesson in flying. (You could flap your arms harder, Farid but I think you are going to hit the ground pretty hard. That wall is quite high.)

5 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not tell someone you know all about cannons if you don’t. If you do, at best you won’t be asked to fill in on one. At worst, you’ll be put in charge of the only cannon that guards the entrance. (Now what did the manual say, Fabumi? Load the ball then light the fuse? Or was it the other way around? You better hurry looks like those doors won’t last another minute.)

4 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think it is time to start Spanish lessons. If you do, at best you may learn a few words. At worst, whether or not you speak Spanish will not help you in the end. (It looks like the order of the day is take no prisoners, Fadeyka. I think it’s going to take a little more than a few “holas” and “Buenos Dias” to save you.)

3 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think that sombrero and serape will be an effective disguise. If you do, at best no one will laugh at you. At worst the troops will consider you a spy. (You know what they do to spies, Fallon. Dump that outfit now.)

2 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not wave that “Come and Take It” cannon flag from the Battle of Gonzales. If you do, at best you will make the Mexicans angry. At worst, you will be singled out for elimination. (That flag has been a sore spot since the Texas revolution began, Falk. No need to start that fire again.)

1 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not make plans for your summer holiday. If you do, at best your heirs will have to cancel. At worst, you may lose some of your deposits. (I guess no one told you that getting out of the Alamo was a feet-first proposition huh, Farnley?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Renaissance Faire

~ John W. Howell ~ 82 Comments

 

 

The inspiration for this list was a question by the producer. “Have you done a Top Ten on a Renaissance Faire?” The answer was, “No.” So here it is. (I know pretty simple inspiration, isn’t it?) If you read to the end, I have a question about an idea given me by a regular reader. I would appreciate your comments. No poll just comment if you feel like it.

10 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not raise your hand when the wizard asks for volunteers. If you do, at best you might get embarrassed. At worst, the trick will go horribly wrong, and you’ll be sporting some Hellboy horns. (I think it was that stray goat that gave a The Fly like result, Emest. Don’t worry, maybe the wizard can reverse the spell. Yeah, maybe.)

9 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not boo Tiny, the WWF champ, when he walks onto the jousting field. If you do, at best he will have lost you in the crowd. At worst, Tiny who has been attending court-ordered anger management classes will accidentally let go of his mace as he nears the spectator stand. (You can place money as to where that mace will land, Emmanuele. No, that umbrella won’t help at all.)

8 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept the invitation to put your head and wrists into the stocks. If you do, at best you’ll get a humorous photo. At worst, the guy running the stocks exhibit forgot the keys, and now you have an afternoon of ridicule. ( It will be fun he said. How much fun is it, Enar? Oh, that tomato wasn’t quite ripe was it?)

7 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think Three Card Monty is an easy way to pick up spending money. If you do, at best you may only lose a few dollars. At worst, you and the dealer will need to come to an equitable arrangement to cover that last bet. (I don’t think he will take a check, Engel.)

6 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept an invitation to attend the after hours cast party. If you do, at best you’ll need to leave early to take the babysitter home. At worst, you’ll be singing “Moma Told Me Not to Come” while trying to find the door out. (Whoever coined the term, “hangover,” Enyeto. How you feel is more like “lifeover.”)

5 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not join the music makers on stage if you are overserved. If you do, at best no one you know will see your performance. At worst, the videos were taken by the audience when you fell off the stage all went viral. (Hard to explain to your boss what you were thinking huh, Ephrem. He believes the head of HR should set a better example.)

4 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not throw your consumed turkey leg over your shoulder as a supposed imitation of Henry VIII. If you do, at best by chance it will hit a trash receptacle. At worst, you will catch someone’s grandma in the face with your trash. (That someone just happens to be the big guy wearing the barbarian outfit which is now holding you off your feet, Erikson. He’s not buying the accident story, and his club looks pretty substantial.)

3 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not dress in period armor. If you do, at best the day will be overcast. At worst, the temperature just hit a new record high. (Now you know what it is like to be in a sweatbox, Erroll. That authentic clasp on the back is just out of reach and everyone you ask to unhook it thinks you’re a perve.)

2 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not get carried away with the thought of quitting work and joining the cast. If you do, at best your audition will fail. At worst, you will be picked to play the blacksmith. (That hot furnace and pounding metal all day wasn’t what you had in mind, was it Eryk? Too bad you signed a seasonal agreement, and you only have six more months to serve. You found out too late that no one likes to play the blacksmith.)

1 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think you have to talk to everyone in Renaissance English. If you do, at best no one will understand you. At worst, a large cast member will think you are making fun of his speech. (Might be a good idea to find a flagon of mead right now, Eskander. Better yet two flagons. One to share with the guy holding your neck.)

I would appreciate a comment on the following:

A reader has suggested that I do a Top Ten Things Not to Do at select historical events. For example, The Top Ten Things Not to Do at Louis XIV’s coronation. Or Top Ten Things Not to Do While Crossing the Delaware with Washington. These would all be ridiculous things (as usual) on a historical backdrop.  I would appreciate it if you could let me know what you think.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Heat Index is Above 110 degrees F (43.3 C)

~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

 

Heat

The inspiration for this list was yesterday’s high temperature and high humidity.

10 If the heat index is above 110, do not do your 10K run. If you do, at best, your water will run out at 5K. At worst, passersby will wonder what you are doing in the community fountain. (Look like the police wonder the same thing, Edan. I think your reason better be a little better than, “Trying to cool off,” since only a fool, crazy person, or a drunk would be running today.)

9 If the heat index is above 110, do not fail to say “excuse me,” if you accidentally bump into Tiny the WWF Wrestling champ. If you do, at best Tiny will be too hot to care. At worst, Tiny who just walked out of his affiliation addiction support group will honestly believe you hit him on purpose. (Coupled with the heat and Tiny’s need to be liked I think you are headed for a harrowing afternoon, Edwald. Running will only make him madder.)

8 If the heat index is above 110, do not get out that lawnmower. If you do, at best there will be no gas. At worst, you will get halfway finished before the case of heat stroke hits you. (The sad part is in addition to the hospital stay you are in violation of your home owner’s association rules on lawn care. You better have someone finish the lawn, Efraim before Mrs. Jones spots that half done lawn cut.)

7 If the heat index is above 110, do not go tenting as planned. If you do, at best you won’t need a fire to heat your coffee water. At worst, sometime during the night, the local bear family gets the idea you are a specially prepared dish called a naked ape roasted in canvas. (Yeah, there is no way you are going to talk them out of a meal, Eisa. Might as well give up that sirloin you were going to have tomorrow and count yourself lucky at that.)

6 If the heat index is above 110, do not think you will make it home with that gallon of ice cream. If you do, at best you should take a spoon. At worst, you’ll arrive home with a leaking container of melted ice cream which will leave a trail across the new carpet as you head for the kitchen. (I think you might just continue out the back door, Elazar. Pretty hard to explain the new chocolate on the white wool decorating scheme. As you leave, I would do a serpentine maneuver. Harder for a shooter to hit.)

5 If the heat index is above 110, do not think being on a body of water is going to cool you. If you do, at best the boat has a canopy so you won’t die. At worst, you will remember the poem The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner as you whisper through parched lips, “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.” (Time to get on the radio and call for help, Elfred. Of course, you will be lucky if anyone will answer a crazy man.)

4 If the heat index is above 110, do not escape the heat in the corner bar. If you do, at best the bartender will allow you to stay while sipping one drink. At worst, you will think you have to keep consuming drinks while sitting on the bar stool. (Now that you have beaten the heat, tell us how you are going to get home, Elija. You certainly can’t drive and walking is impossible as well. Maybe if you could talk you could ask for a cab.)

3 If the heat index is above 110, do not go ahead with that cookout. If you do, at best your guests will all cancel. At worst, they all show up and take on available liquid at an unprecedented rate. (Too bad all you are offering is your famous trash can punch, Elkhanah. It seems that no one is still standing as you serve your equally renowned ribs. Good thing you have lots of floor space.)

2. If the heat index is above 110, do not ignore the power company warnings about conserving electricity consumption. If you do, at best everyone else does, and you have no loss of power. At worst, your electricity shuts down, and you are now faced with a night of sleeping in a house with a heat index of 120. (Why is it when the electricity goes off it gets hotter, Elmo? Must be a law of some kind.)

1 If the heat index is above 110, do not forget your children and pets need extra care. If you do, at best you’ll be lucky, and they will be fine. We don’t want to think of the worst case. (Just keep them cool, Elwin. And for heaven’s sake don’t leave anyone in the car, A/C or not.)