This is a continuation of the Top Ten on a historical backdrop. On October 21st after 14 months of testing, Thomas Edison first demonstrates his electric lamp, hoping to one day compete with the gaslight.

Top Ten Things Not to do if You were with Edison in 1879

10 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not say, “Watson come here I need you.” If you do, at best no one will answer. At worst, you will be escorted from the room and your 100 shares of Edison stock revoked. (You somehow got Alexander Graham Bell mixed up with Edison, Frici.)

9 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not elbow Tiny the WWF champ out of the way for a better view. If you do, at best Tiny will ignore you. At worst, Tiny, who has an aversion to being touched will use his hips to body check you out the door. (You didn’t think a big guy could move that fast huh, Friduwulf? Too bad the door was closed when you went through it.)

8 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not touch anything before the demonstration. If you do, at best you’ll avoid the live wire. At worst, you will inadvertently disconnect the main lead. (The test was a failure, Frisco. Thanks to you we are all living with gas lamps today.)

7 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not tell him how to improve his speech. If you do, at best he will do the speech the way he wrote it. At worst he will take your suggestions. (Thanks to you, Fynbar, the electric light bulb was named by Edison as “the better mousetrap of gas lamps.”)

6 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not mention to bystanders that the British had toyed with incandescent bulbs since the 1830’s. If you do, at best Edison won’t hear you. At worst, you’ll be talking with a reporter from the Wall Street Journal. (Well now you’ve done it, Fernando. The headline reads “Edison steals British Idea.” Good luck with your future stock options.)

5 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not make jokes about the Edison Screw. If you do, at best you better hope he doesn’t hear you. At worst, the joke carries a big laugh, and now you are unemployed. (You had no way of knowing, Francisco, that the Edison Screw is the standard set up for light bulbs and sockets. The joke was pretty funny though.)

4 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not trip and let the only bulb fall to the floor. (If you do, at best the carpet will prevent a disaster. At worst, the lab floor is made of concrete. (Well, there goes the demonstration, Franklin. Future generations of those who do not have General Electric to work for salute you.)

3 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not suggest naming the company. If you do, at best Edison will choose his own name. At worst, he will call the company after a significant advantage of the bulb. (Somehow the Less Gas Light Company doesn’t sound too good when you say it out loud, Frankie. Let’s hope he comes to his senses.)

2 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not try to talk him out of his idea about motion pictures. If you do, at best he will avoid you on the subject. At worst, you will be successful, and he will abandon the idea. (So where are you going with that tub of buttered popcorn, Freddy?)

1 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not suggest that he read from the newspaper on the first recorded conversation. If you do, at best he will choose his own literature. At worst. He will listen to you and select the classifieds. (So now the first recorded voice puts everyone to sleep, Fletcher. Mary Had a Little Lamb is so much better.)

This post continues the Top Ten series with a historical background. Hope you enjoy.

10 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not practice your Lyre. If you do, at best you might be mistaken as a leader. At worst, the number one Lyre player might think you are mocking him. (I see a few centurions at your gate Finnobar. Time to move out.)

9 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to ignore Tiny the WWF champ when he yells instructions. If you do, at best Tiny will only grab you and toss you over the wall. At worst, Tiny who just graduated from Gladiator school will take the opportunity to hone his skills. (Looks like you have the net and trident Flynn. Might not be a match for the mace and double-edged sword. I would suggest begging.)

8 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wear your I’m a Happy Christian t-shirt today. If you do, at best no one will notice it. At worst, since the fire is being blamed on Christians, you may meet a lion up close and personal. (I think you need to do more than the “nice kitty” statement, Flannagain.)

7 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to get a refund on your Circus Maximus tickets. If you do, at best no one will be at the ticket office. At worst, you will be last in a line of 10,000. (Not to worry, Flin. There is always a fire-check for the next show.)

6 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not walk around town with that torch. If you do, at best people will think you are connected. At worst, someone will get the idea you had something to do with the fire. (Now it looks like you really have to leave town, Fonzell. Wonder what’s happening in Naples?)

5 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not show people in the pub the plans for Domus Aurea, Nero’s palace to be built on the ruins. If you do, at best no one in the pub will understand what you have. At worst, one of the customers is a senator. (Looks like you are on the hook as the source of the fire, Forba. I think you ought to ask for a little traveling music and move on.)

4 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to put out the flames if there are thugs warning you not to do it. If you do, at best you might get a black eye. At worst, you might need to answer to Nero as to why you tried to stop the fire. (Not known for his largess, Nero may have you on the next train to Lionsville, Fortino.)

3 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not set up a smores stand. If you do, at best you’ll have a few customers. At worst, folks will take your cavalier attitude to heart. (Looks like a gang of residents heading this way have blood in their eye, Franko. Maybe its time to pack up.)

2 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wait to evacuate. If you do, at best you might have to run for your life. At worst, you might get cut off and have to take a leap into Tiber River. (Sad thing about that sundial, Frang. Shoulda checked to see if it was waterproof before making the leap.)

1 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not think your hotel still offers room service. If you do, at best you’ll be disappointed. At worst, you’ll wait too long for service and forget to check out when your room starts burning. (Don’t think the bill will be overlooked, Frans. They will find you no matter how far and no matter how long.)

This edition continues the historical background on the Top Ten feature. I hope you like it.

10 If you are near the gold rush, do not sell everything to go mine gold. If you do, at best you will break even. At worst, you’ll find that you have blown your life savings chasing a dream. (Seems you could have found a better way to blow your money, Farquharson. You could try self-publishing.)

9 If you are near the gold rush, do not move that stake at the corner of Tiny the WWF champ’s claim. If you do, at best Tiny will let you put it back. At worst, Tiny figures you are jumping his claim. (No use even putting up a fight, Farrin. I would just lay there. Tiny is bound to lose interest sooner or later.)

8 If you are near the gold rush, do not hide your gold under the straw mattress on your cot. If you do, at best the lump will keep you awake. At worst, sadly that’s the first place a thief will look. (Well, now you need to start over, Farrs. With any luck, you get that gold dust back in another six months of panning.)

7 If you are near the gold rush, do not describe someone to his face as a sourdough. If you do, at best the person is too new to the file to know that a sourdough is someone from Canada who has come to California in search of Gold. At worst, the person might take exception to be labeled as a Canadian even if he is. (Might as well take it back, Farson. Looks like he is mighty angry.)

6 If you are near the gold rush, do not wear your 7 for All Mankind jeans to work. If you do, at best you will attract many stares. At worst, the Levi-Strauss salesperson might decide a gunfight is in order. (I guess you didn’t realize that Levi’s were the official jean of the gold rush huh, Favian. No worries, just buy a pair and all will be forgotten.)

5 If you are near the gold rush, do not announce any discoveries of gold. If you do, at best you’ll have more friends. At worst, the mob scene that will transpire is more than you can handle. (Your claim needs to be defended, Fedyenka. But do you really want to shoot someone?)

4 If you are near the gold rush, do not complain about the cost of food. If you do, at best you’ll be told to go elsewhere. At worst, the cook may decide that serving you requires more reimbursement and raises his prices again. (Funny, Felix but you are the only one paying more for everything.)

3 If you are near the gold rush, do not think you can set up a get rich quick wagon and tool rental business. If you do, at best all your tools will be rented out, and you’ll need to get more. At worst, none of the devices will be brought back, and the rentals do not cover the cost. (This was not how it was supposed to work, Fergus.)

2 If you are near the gold rush, do not drink whatever is in that bottle in the saloon. If you do, at best you won’t go blind. At worst, you might lose track of time and wake up three weeks from now broke and homeless. (Imagine if you’d had enough money to buy two bottles, Fiacre. You might not be with us right now.)

1 If you are near the gold rush, do not pan for gold. If you do, at best you won’t find any. At worst, you might pull a couple of specks out of the sand which will cause an extreme attack of gold fever. (Well that does it, Fidelis. You are hooked. See you in a couple of years when your money runs out.)

The inspiration for this list was yesterday’s high temperature and high humidity.

10 If the heat index is above 110, do not do your 10K run. If you do, at best, your water will run out at 5K. At worst, passersby will wonder what you are doing in the community fountain. (Look like the police wonder the same thing, Edan. I think your reason better be a little better than, “Trying to cool off,” since only a fool, crazy person, or a drunk would be running today.)

9 If the heat index is above 110, do not fail to say “excuse me,” if you accidentally bump into Tiny the WWF Wrestling champ. If you do, at best Tiny will be too hot to care. At worst, Tiny who just walked out of his affiliation addiction support group will honestly believe you hit him on purpose. (Coupled with the heat and Tiny’s need to be liked I think you are headed for a harrowing afternoon, Edwald. Running will only make him madder.)

8 If the heat index is above 110, do not get out that lawnmower. If you do, at best there will be no gas. At worst, you will get halfway finished before the case of heat stroke hits you. (The sad part is in addition to the hospital stay you are in violation of your home owner’s association rules on lawn care. You better have someone finish the lawn, Efraim before Mrs. Jones spots that half done lawn cut.)

7 If the heat index is above 110, do not go tenting as planned. If you do, at best you won’t need a fire to heat your coffee water. At worst, sometime during the night, the local bear family gets the idea you are a specially prepared dish called a naked ape roasted in canvas. (Yeah, there is no way you are going to talk them out of a meal, Eisa. Might as well give up that sirloin you were going to have tomorrow and count yourself lucky at that.)

6 If the heat index is above 110, do not think you will make it home with that gallon of ice cream. If you do, at best you should take a spoon. At worst, you’ll arrive home with a leaking container of melted ice cream which will leave a trail across the new carpet as you head for the kitchen. (I think you might just continue out the back door, Elazar. Pretty hard to explain the new chocolate on the white wool decorating scheme. As you leave, I would do a serpentine maneuver. Harder for a shooter to hit.)

5 If the heat index is above 110, do not think being on a body of water is going to cool you. If you do, at best the boat has a canopy so you won’t die. At worst, you will remember the poem The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner as you whisper through parched lips, “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.” (Time to get on the radio and call for help, Elfred. Of course, you will be lucky if anyone will answer a crazy man.)

4 If the heat index is above 110, do not escape the heat in the corner bar. If you do, at best the bartender will allow you to stay while sipping one drink. At worst, you will think you have to keep consuming drinks while sitting on the bar stool. (Now that you have beaten the heat, tell us how you are going to get home, Elija. You certainly can’t drive and walking is impossible as well. Maybe if you could talk you could ask for a cab.)

3 If the heat index is above 110, do not go ahead with that cookout. If you do, at best your guests will all cancel. At worst, they all show up and take on available liquid at an unprecedented rate. (Too bad all you are offering is your famous trash can punch, Elkhanah. It seems that no one is still standing as you serve your equally renowned ribs. Good thing you have lots of floor space.)

2. If the heat index is above 110, do not ignore the power company warnings about conserving electricity consumption. If you do, at best everyone else does, and you have no loss of power. At worst, your electricity shuts down, and you are now faced with a night of sleeping in a house with a heat index of 120. (Why is it when the electricity goes off it gets hotter, Elmo? Must be a law of some kind.)

1 If the heat index is above 110, do not forget your children and pets need extra care. If you do, at best you’ll be lucky, and they will be fine. We don’t want to think of the worst case. (Just keep them cool, Elwin. And for heaven’s sake don’t leave anyone in the car, A/C or not.)

Since I’m traveling today, I decided to rerun one of my Top Ten Not to Do lists. This list originally ran on July 11th, 2016. If you haven’t read it before I hope you enjoy it.

The inspiration for this list is many visits to organic chain supermarkets. I’m usually there because I like a brand of wine that the chain carries. Of course, living on an island means when I drive the 360 miles round trip, I want to linger and observe other activities. I hope you like the list.

10 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not secretly pop samples into your mouth from the bulk food section. If you do, at best you may ingest a foreign object. At worst, you will be caught and weighed before being charged the $10.00 a pound going rate. (Had to wonder what that walk-on scale was for, huh Bo-Bo?)

9 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not block the aisles as you study each purchase looking for evidence of an ingredient to which you are allergic. If you do, At best your cart will be hit as others try to get around. At worst, you might get run over by Tiny the 300 pound WWF champ as he sprints toward the carrot juice section. (Better to joust with a train. Right?)

8 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the butcher if the organic pork is grass-fed. If you do, at best he will laugh you out of the store. At worst, he will convince you to go home and read up on the dietary habits of pigs. (At least tofu is on the list of things pigs will eat. Of course, there is nothing pigs won’t eat.)

7 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the clerk if the organic bottled water is gluten-free. If you do at best, the clerk will be confused. At worst, you might cause a very delicate personality to crack completely. ( Can you imagine what would have happened if you asked for help finding something.)

6 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not forget to bring your own bags. If you do, at best you will have to balance your purchases and hope to make the car before the peanut butter hits the parking lot surface. At worst, you will be charged for more bags which you’ll never need again. (Asking for a plastic bag was a big mistake)

5 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not show visible signs of your pending heart attack when you see the total bill. If you do, at best you will make the clerk’s day. At worst, those around you will want your hide for exposing the fact that to eat this way is very expensive. (Yeah they knew it, but don’t need reminders)

4 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the clerk if there are cruelty-free grapes in the wine. If you do, at best the clerk will call the manager for an answer. At worst the manager has just turned in his gross receipts and is now on probation for slipping sales. (The manager’s sense of humor is at an all-time low and used to be a postal worker till released for anger management issues)

3 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the beauty aids clerk which essential oil they would recommend to attract more dates. If you do, at best the clerk will think you totally perverted. At worst, the clerk will take the opportunity to test the company’s non-hostile work environment policy with a request of the boss to toss you out of the store. (Wow! Talk about overused political correctness)

2 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not buy hemp products with the belief that you can use then to get high. If you do, at best you will waste your money. At worse, you will feel pretty foolish waiting in the shower for the hemp soap to kick in. (Meanwhile, the water temperature is moving toward Antarctic)

1 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the carry out person any questions about attire, body art, or hairstyle. If you do, at best they will ignore you. At worst, they will start the long story about personal freedoms and what it means to be able to be who they are. (That organic ice cream dripping on the pavement cost $10.00. Might be time to move on)