Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Writer

~ John W. Howell ~ 135 Comments

Writer meme

This list was inspired by going out into public over the weekend. I am always amazed at some of the things people say once they find out you write full-time.

10 If you meet a writer, do not tell them you have a book you have meant to write. If you do, at best they will walk away. At worst, they will ask how come you haven’t written it yet? (That is a pretty uncomfortable silence isn’t it, Bunky?)

9 If you meet a writer, do not ask about their royalties. If you do, at best they will offer to buy you a drink. At worst, they will ask you to pick up the bar tab. (That was the saddest poor-mouth story you ever heard, huh Ralph?)

8 If you meet a writer, do not ask about a movie deal. If you do, at best you’ll have to listen to the impossibilities of getting a film deal. At worst, you’ll have to supply the tissues and offer large soothing hugs. (It’s almost like this guy is never going to stop sobbing right, Tex?)

7 If you meet a writer named Tiny the WWF champ, do not tell him you have not read his book. If you do, at best his disappointment will cause you to cry. At worst, he will hold you on his lap and read it to you.( It is hard to get away isn’t it, Buford?)

6 If you meet a writer, do not tell them how you would have ended the book. At best, the look you get should be photographed and filed under incredulity in Wikipedia. At worst,   the writer might just leave the gathering and work out previous rejection traumas consuming a gallon of ice cream. (No, you are not invited to join the ice cream social, Putz.)

5 If you meet a writer, do not ask what they do for “real work.” If you do, at best they will humor you with lawn cutting stories. At worst, they will give you the impression that they eliminate ignorant people for money.( You have to admit if this guy writes as well as he frightens, he’s good huh, Bosco?)

4 If you meet a writer, do not ask them to review your manuscript. If you do, at best they will try to change the subject. At worst, they will say yes and try as they may never find the time to read it. (You should join a critique group Buster and quit bothering people you just met.)

3 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what brand of whiskey they drink. If you do, at best they will think you are joking. At worst, the writer will grasp the stereotype and provide you with an obscure brand name that cost $100 a bottle. (Pretty expensive way to get inspired hey, Pal?)

2 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what they do in their spare time. If you do, at best you’ll get a vague answer along the lines of washing the dog. At worst, you’ll have to stand and listen to what sounds like a description of a person with an Attention Deficit Disorder describing a typical work month. (The big question now is how do you make a getaway right, Prince?)

1 If you meet a writer, do not mention that you haven’t written a review of their book on Amazon. If you do, at best the smile you get is fake. At worst, you’ll have to hear a long story about how a writer knows if they are appealing to their readers. (Might have been better to lie, Buddy.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Trail Ride

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Trail Ride

The inspiration for this list was receiving a photo of a couple who had gone on a trail ride. My last ride was in Aspen Colorado, but I still remember the experience. We were riding at 8,000 feet in the Rockies, and the sights were hard to describe. Hope you enjoy the list knowing not many of your take trail rides routinely.

10 If you are on a trail ride, do not think beach wear is appropriate on a horse. If you do, at best the little chaffing will be soothed by lotion. At worst, a cactus ride by will yield a trip to the ER. (Those thorns certainly make a mess huh, Buford?)

9 If you are on a trail ride, do not let your horse bite the mount of Tiny the WWF champ who is on a horse for the first time. If you do, at best Tiny will keep his seat. At worst, Tiny will be airborne and once he lands He’ll want to “talk” to you. (You know Tiny tends to talk with his knuckle megaphone right, Tex?)

8 If you are on a trail ride, do not think you can ignore your guide. If you do, at best you’ll not get lost. At worst, you will only be lost until the forest service helicopter spots you. ( How do you like that five-figure search and rescue bill, Ferd?)

7 If you are on a trail ride, do not think your needs are the only ones that need to be addressed. If you do, at best someone will set you straight quickly. At worst, you may find yourself walking back to base by yourself. (It might have been that statement about needing a china plate for lunch that was the last straw, Bosco.)

6 If you are on a trail ride, do not get off your horse unless the guide tells you. If you do, at best you might find a way on your own to get back on. At worst, you frightened the horses behind you, and now all are running for the barn. (Wonder why no one is talking to you, Pal?)

5 If you are on a trail ride, do not ask if there is a vegan choice for an entrée at the campfire dinner. If you do, the grizzled guide will give you a look not to be forgotten. At worst, your guide will hand you a plate that he swears is meatless.  (You should have arranged your choice ahead of time, Buster. Is that something moving in the meatless dish?)

4 If you are on a trail ride, do not forget to take water. If you don’t at best, you have to hope the guide has bottled water. At worst you’ll have to drink from the guide’s canteen. (Was that a hint of chewing tobacco backwash in that last drink, Bunky?)

3 If you are on a trail ride, do not irritate your horse. If you do, at best he won’t dump you on the trail. At worst, at 8000 feet your horse will decide to trip slightly giving you the opportunity to apologise. (The apology better be sincere, Roscoe.)

2 If you are on a trail ride, do not think you have to act like John Wayne on a cattle drive. If you do, at best your fellow riders will ignore you. At worst, yippie yi ki yay is horse language for dump this idiot. (How you got on the ground so fast, Putz?)

1 If you are on a trail ride, do not try to keep up with your texts and e-mails. If you do, at best you’ll finally lose a signal in the mountains. At worst, your horse will detect you are not paying attention and will take the opportunity to gallop to the barn early. (Looks like you are barely holding on, Roy. That screaming is very becoming as well.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do Touring Overseas

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

Overseas

 

The inspiration for this list is my current tour of Scotland. I figure I will only have one chance to use this list so I’m going for it. I hope you like it.

10 If you are touring overseas, do not try to plug your phone charger into a socket without an adapter. if you do, at best it won’t work. At worst, forcing the connection may cause your phone to be damaged. (Now what are you going to do with a melted phone, Herb?)

9 If you are touring overseas, do not ignore the pedestrian crossing signs. If you do, at best all the brakes will be in good condition. At worst, you’ll end up on the hood of a cab driven by Tiny the WWF champ who has just received his license back from too many accidents. (Now, the collision didn’t kill you but there is no guarantee after Tiny is through with you, Burt. He looks pretty mad too.)

8 If you are touring overseas, do not ask the local restaurant if they have Big Macs. If you do, at best they may not understand you. At worst, they will serve you yesterday’s food rescued from the can out back. (You tipped your hand on your gastronomical sophistication huh, Bosco?)

7 If you are touring overseas, do not try to pay with American money. If you do, at best you get an exchange rate of 30%. At worst, you will not find anyone to take the money and the police will be called as you try to leave the establishment. (You should have checked before ordering that big dinner, Putz)

6 If you are touring overseas, do not expect everyone to speak and understand English. If you do, at best you will be doing without a lot. At worst, in trying to communicate you may inadvertently use a phrase who’s essence is perceived to put a curse on the person. (I guess you are wondering why the formally calm person is running at you with a large sword huh, Buford? Don’t worry you have your NIKE’s on but I would get moving.)

5 If you are touring overseas, do not take a picture of anyone without asking permission. If you do, at best they won’t notice. At worst, you’ll snap a picture of a major political figure who doesn’t want anyone to know he is where you captured the photo and who he is with. (Yes, Ferd. It is complicated and now your camera is gone. Those guys were big.)

4 If you are touring overseas, pay attention and heed warning signs. If you don’t, at best you’ll survive the day. At worst, the sign that asked you to mind the path is but a memory as you are being chased by the queen’s security force.(Good thing you have those Nikes huh, Bunky? Of course, that stun dart is starting to slow you down as you  can’t feel your feet.)

3 If you are touring overseas, do not litter. If you do, at best a gentle person will remind you. At worst, you just threw down a paper in front of the leader of the Militant Litterer Crushers. (Sadly the paper isn’t that tasty is it, Bud?)

2 If you are touring overseas, do not ignore the local rules of tipping. If you do, at best you’ll get away with one faux pas. At worst, you may have lost luggage, poor service, and soup that is only 89 % spit-free.(You may have saved a little in the short run huh, Leroy?)

1 If you are touring overseas, do not try to navigate the cities and countryside without a map. If you do, at best you’ll be able to ask directions. At worst, you may end up hopelessly lost and a perfect candidate for the pirate press gangs roaming the land. (Okay so there are no press gangs Stew. It sure is dark in this ally though, isn’t it?)

***

I am still overseas and will try to keep up with comments but apologies if I get behind.

Top Ten Things Not to Do With a Smartphone

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

Top Ten things Not to Do

 

10 If you have a smartphone, do not use it to send a breakup message. If you do, at best the message will fail to deliver. At worst, your message will be received just after the recipient has paid a no return deposit on the condo you were to share.  (Talk about awkward, Idiot.)

9 If you have a smartphone, do not use it to video record those embarrassing family moments. If you do, at best you will be convinced to trash the video. At worst, your clip is now on YouTube, and there are a million likes. (Yes, your family is well-known for its stupidity. Too bad they can’t show their face in public, Putz)

8 If you have a smartphone, do not think you must reach the last level of Candy Crush. If you do, at best your phone will quit working. At worst, you will still be working to achieve the level even as your family has finally given up all contact. (Can you say obsessed, Bert?)

7 If you have a smartphone, do not think anyone wants to see your pictures. If you do, at best you may find a hapless victim who feigns interest. At worst, most of the people you show your treasures are sound asleep at the end. (Of course, they are now a captive audience huh, Buford?)

6 If you have a smartphone, do not think you can take pictures without permission. If you do, at best you may be told to stop doing so. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who you just photographed, just confessed to his therapy group how camera-shy he has become as a result of being more open in the discussions. (You are very right to begin running, Buster. I think Tiny is gaining on you, though.)

5 If you have a smartphone, do not ask the robot assistant a question in public. If you do, at best you won’t be understood. At worst, your question was so inane that now everyone realizes you are an idiot. (“What is the temperature today?” was a real crowd pleaser, Goober. Go sit down and be quiet.)

4 If you have a smartphone, do not think you can watch a video and walk at the same time. If you do, at best a few bumps by passersby will convince you to stop. At worst, being airborne as a result of walking into a taxi will give you time to think about next time. (You must now prepare for the second collision with the ground, Tex. Here’s hoping there is a next time.)

3 If you have a smartphone, do not take any selfies you wouldn’t want your mother to see. If you do, at best she’ll never see them. At worst, those little photos you made for your friend’s eyes only are now featured on the Snapchat gross photo of the week. (And you thought the cloud was an iron-clad secure place huh, Dufus?)

2 If you have a smartphone, do not be afraid of that ringing sound. If you are, at best you can stop it by answering with a “hello.” At worst, the distraction of the ringing causes you to take extraordinary measures that finally silence the ringing. (You did know that water is harmful to a smartphone right, Bucky? And BTW smartphones were initially designed for phone calls. That’s what all that ringing was about.)

1 If you have a smartphone, do not operate any other machinery while using it.If you do, at best you will get one chance with no consequences. At worst, you may hurt yourself and others especially if you are driving a car. (But you know all this right, Bunion?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Camping

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

 

The inspiration for this list was surveying the damage after the Memorial Day weekend. Several campsites (Documented here) were either blown or washed away. Such a situation caused the development of a list that might save others from a similar fate.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Camping

10 If you are camping, do not arrive in the dark to set up. If you do, at best you might accidentally choose a high dry spot. At worst, your camp was pitched in a low spot that the forest animals routinely use as a freeway. (Nothing like having a family of Coyotes in your sleeping bag huh, Bradley?)

9 If you are camping, do not go to the site without having tested new equipment. If you do, at best your stove has no fuel and its try to cook over a fire time. At worst, your water purifier kit is missing a part, and now you have nothing to drink but Bud Light. (Okay so maybe you don’t mind, Buford but the family looks like they are in the beginning stage of dehydration.)

8 If you are camping, do not think you will be immune to insect bites and not take repellent. If you do, at best you’ll have to hope the mud stops the itching. At worst, you might be the only member of the team to come down with malaria. (Who knew that the only Anopheles mosquito in North America had a crush on you, Leroy?)

7 If you are camping, do not take the weather reports lightly. If you do, at best you have not planned activities that can be done in inclement weather. At worst, you may experience what it is like to be cold, wet, and hungry for several days. (You could have done the same thing in your backyard right, Doofis?)

6 If you are camping, do not think you will be able to buy more food at the campsite.  If you do, at best your trip will end early. At worst, your attempts to borrow food from other campers will be met with the same welcome extended to bears. (You also learned a lesson about challenging a bear at the dumpster huh, Bunky?)

5 If you are camping, do not think your fellow campers welcome your loud morning wake-up music. If you do, at best the park management will help you pack. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ having been advised by his anger management counselor to go camping for the peace and quiet is now heading toward your site with a good morning greeting of his own. (It won’t help to ask Tiny to put you down. He’ll be thinking of a body slam, Tex.)

4 If you are camping, do not forget the first aid kit. If you do, at best the rule of camping that says, “someone will get hurt” might pass you by. At worst, in one day your group will have two sprained ankles, a dislocated shoulder, a fish hook in the eyebrow, and poison ivy. (Funny thing is all these things happened to you, Burt and it wasn’t even noon on the first day yet.)

3 If you are camping, do not count on a hot shower. If you do, at best you’ll have to use a cold lake. At worst, you are now attracting wild things from the forest and are being asked to sleep outside the tent. (Your stubbornness regarding hot water is not paying off is it, Buster?)

2 If you are camping, do not arrive at the campsite without a reservation. If you do, at best a standby spot will open up. At worst you, the family, and the dog will be sharing the backseat of your Toyota Corolla. (At least you all have learned what makes each of your really mad right, Putz?)

1 If you are camping, do not think you can recreate the luxury and convenience of your home. If you do, at best you will come up short. At worst, the lack of electricity and air conditioning will finally push you over the edge. (Might as well admit camping is not for you, Ferd.)

Top Ten things Not to Do on Memorial Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

As you know, I would normally have a Top Ten list which contains tongue in cheek advice on how to behave under certain circumstances.

Today I only have one thing on the list that I could repeat ten times (but I won’t).

On Memorial Day, do not go through the day without remembering those who gave their lives so that we can continue to celebrate such a beautiful remembrance.

Here is wishing you a peaceful day filled with gratitude.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Tax Protest Hearing

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

Tax assessor

The inspiration for this list was a visit to the tax assessor to protest a 20% rise in my assessed valuation which is the basis for the property tax amount. (This is allowed in the Republic of Texas) I must say the meeting was cordial and we kissed goodbye, (It’s an island don’t forget), yet I have to go to the next level since there was no change in my situation. So, I did not need this list but thought I would publish it anyway. I hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Tax Protest Hearing

10 If you are protesting your assessment, do not enter the hearing with a frown on your face. If you do, at best you’ll get one back in return, At worst, the assessor will assume you are a tough customer and will guard her concessions like gold. (A smile would have put the assessor off guard, Ferd. It wouldn’t have cost you anything.)

9 If you are protesting your assessment, do not show signs of weakness at the hearing. If you do, at best the assessor will think you a push over. At worst, the assessor will discover a “mistake” in the county’s favor, and your tax bill will go up. (You see, Buster it is a zero sum game. One person’s rate goes down they must find a sapsucker (Guess who) who won’t fight an increase.)

8 If you are protesting your assessment, do not agree to anything without thinking it through. If you do, at best you might be missing further reductions. At worst, your quick agreement will come back in the form of a huge increase next year. (Thought it was too good to be true huh, Bunky? Hint: It was.)

7 If you are protesting your assessment, do not snow the assessor under with too many statistics. If you do, at best you’ll confuse the assessor. At worst, the assessor will believe you are trying to pull a fast one and shut down. (You now know property assessment is not a science right, Buford?)

6 If you are protesting your assessment, do not threaten the assessor with eternal damnation. If you do, at best your assessment will stand. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who has just graduated from The Church of What’s Happening Now correspondence course will believe he needs to physically remove the hieratic from the facility. (That body slam to the concrete smarts doesn’t it, Roy?)

5 If you are protesting your assessment, do not bring in your pastrami sandwich with you. If you do, at best the meeting will end quickly with no resolution At worst, your assessor has not eaten since yesterday and can not function with you slowly eating your sandwich. (So you had a nice lunch, Putz. Higher taxes as your reward.)

4 If you are protesting your assessment, do not show up after building your courage attending happy hour at the Gaff. If you do, at best someone will have mercy, and you’ll be asked to leave. At worst, you’ll agree to an increased assessment as well as free cocktails to all assessor personal after the hearing. (Never knew what a soft touch you were after a few drinks did you, Bosco?)

3 If you are protesting your assessment, do not raise your voice. If you do, at best your assessor will walk away. At worst, the SWAT team will assume you are a person of interest and wrestle you into the transport waiting outside. (You can’t imagine what caused everyone to hit the floor can you, Slug?)

2 If you are protesting your assessment, do not threaten to burn your house down. If you do, at best the assessor will see no reason to reduce your assessment until after it is gone. At worst, you will be seen as a danger to society and helped to a quiet place to recover.(You can’t move your arms you say, Bunky? Must be that straight jacket that is hampering you.)

1 If you are protesting your assessment, do not insult your assessor. If you do, at best all you’ll get is a smile. At worst, your assessor has just completed a self-esteem retreat and is now in a regression mode and can’t help you. (Don’t worry, Tex. The assessor will be assigned to your case for the next ten years at which time your tax bill will closely match the amount paid for the most expensive property in the county.)

Top Ten Things Not to do When Cooking

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list is the fact that I love to cook. I cook a lot and have made some interesting dishes that didn’t quite make the delicious category. So I hope you enjoy this batch.

Ten Things Not to do When Cooking.

10 If you are cooking, do not think you can walk away to let things “simmer.” If you do, at best the dish will burn. At worst, the fire department has opened an investigation to see if the configuration was set on purpose. (You always wondered what the chirping noise in those smoke detectors was huh, Buford. Well, seems they finally died.)

9 If you are cooking, do not think your brother-in-law, Tiny the WWF champ is going to act as your sous chef. If you do, at best there might be some yelling. At worst, Tiny just left his court ordered anger management session and is taking out his frustration on your new twelve piece setting of China. (I think asking him to make a souffle was over the top don’t you, Ferd?)

8 If you are cooking, and have a pan in the oven to finish, do not forget the oven mitt when you take it out. If you do, at best you’ll remember in a split second after you touch the handle. At worst, yo are now the proud owner of a new All-Clad brand on the palm of your hand. (Didn’t you notice the smoke, Buster?)

7 If you are cooking, do not think for every cup of wine in the recipe you need to drink a like amount. If you do, at best there is only one cup. At worst, you need to wonder how everyone liked the meal that you slept through. (You are no Julia Child, Tex. Oh, by the way, your wife’s lawyer just called.)

6 If you are cooking, don’t think you don’t need to follow a recipe. If you do, at best you are making scrambled eggs. At worst, the EMS driver has called the Center for Disease Control thinking there is a massive epidemic in your sick family. (So you didn’t understand some of the ingredients, Ralph. It still looked good enough to eat which was unfortunate for everyone.)

5 If you are cooking, do not try to call your local carry out and pass it off as yours. If you do, at best you’ll have to fess up. At worst, everyone will complement your effort as the best ever. (Sadly they even started to list some of your worst dishes huh, Pard?)

4 If you are cooking, do not invite anyone over for dinner until you have mastered the dish. If you do, at best no one will tell you that the meal was bad. At worst, each of your guests had an emergency phone call and had to leave. (Did you wonder why most only took one bite before the emergency, Putz?)

3 If you are cooking, do not do your famous garlic surprise the night before that real estate open house. If you do, at best the Fabreeze air freshener might cover it. At worst, the attendees will manage a one minute stay before needing oxygen. (Ever wonder why people never visit you, Jake?)

2 If you are cooking, do not think everyone loves their food spicy hot. If you do, at best you’ll have a ton of leftovers. At worst, you will have to put up with people running to the nearest faucet for relief. (A little embarrassing to have all your faucets covered by gulping dinner guests isn’t it, Bunky?)

1 If you are cooking, do not trust that automatic start on the oven. If you do, at best you can fill in with McDonald’s. At worst, the prospect of serving raw turkey to your boss has you frantically trying to make a reservation. (Seems all the restaurants are booked up huh, Goofus?)

 

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

New Car

 

The inspiration for the list was the rotation of an old car for a new car for my wife. Yes, it was her turn for a new vehicle and brought to mind some of the things that I will never even think of doing in it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car

10 In your spouse’s new car, do not eat a fast food anything. If you do, at best the lingering smell will give you away. At worst, all efforts to contain the mustard will fail in one small conspicuous spot. (You never thought mustard could stain leather did you, Ferd?)

9 In your spouse’s new car, do not park anywhere near the shopping cart return area. If you do, at best all the returns will be in the slot. At worst, the car will collect shopping carts as if it is a magnet. (Maybe you could claim you were attacked by zombie shopping carts huh, Bosco?)

8 In your spouse’s new car do not take the dog. If you do, at best you’ll need to vacuum out the hair. At worst, the dog needed a nail trim and a bath so now the seats are not only dirty but also scratched. (You could claim a wild raccoon got in an open window or just leave home, Buford.)

7 In your spouses new car, do not pick up anything from Home Depot. If you do, at best the potting sold dirt can be cleaned up. At worst, the technician forgot to replace the oil cap on that chain saw which makes the back seat area look like a CSI crime scene. (Don’t worry about the consequences Tex. You won’t live to see tomorrow.)

6 In your spouse’s new car, do not follow that gravel truck. If you do at best you’ll stay back far enough to avoid the falling rocks. At worst, the replacement windshield is only $1200.00. (You better hope the guy can get it done today huh, Bunky?)

5 In your spouse’s car, do not park in a tight spot. If you do, at best your neighbors will take great care not to ding your car. At worst, you’ve blocked in Tiny the WWF champ who has just arrived to attend his first counseling session on overcoming claustrophobia. (No telling when he will stop trying to get out of his car. Maybe when his door falls off or your car has been crushed enough to give him freedom, Putz.)

4 In your spouse’s car, do not change the radio. if you do, at best you can remember to set it back to the original station. At worst, you will forget and be the recipient of a “no use” order. (Hard to follow that order when your car is blocked in huh, Buster? Hint. Don’t even think about taking that car.)

3 In your spouses car, do not exceed the speed limit when told not to do it. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, even though you tried to cover it up, your ticket is being used as a training event for the local police and covered by the six o’clock news. (Your best bet is hit the circuit breaker at 5:59 and blame a power outage. Handling the neighbor phone calls will be a trickier matter huh, Ralph?)

2 In your spouses car, do not have a cup of hot coffee while you drive. If you do, at best that small spill will be caught by your shirt. At worst, the unseen pothole makes the coffee go airborne leaving some interesting stain patterns on the light-colored upholstery. (You now know that those OXY-Clean commercials overpromise huh, Pal?)

1 In your spouse’s car, do not drive on that new asphalt road. If you do, at best a few spots will come off with mineral spirits. At worst, your spouse’s white car appears as if it is a prop in a new One hundred and One Dalmatian film. (The sad part is you were told to avoid that area right, Pard?)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Expect on an Island

~ John W. Howell ~ 40 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this list came from listening to comments made by some of the over 100,000 visitors to our island over the weekend.  If you plan on visiting an island at least you have been warned.

10 On an island, do not expect the internet to work all day. If you do, at best you’ll miss some precious e-mails. At worst, that report that was due at the office on Friday at noon is still in your outbox Sunday night. (So much for telling the boss you were working from home hey, Homer?)

9 On an island, do not expect the ferry service to run on time. If you do, at best you will have an unplanned delay. At worst, you finally ran out of gas while sitting in the line and Tiny the WWF champ is behind the wheel of a bulldozer driving towards you. (Tiny has his orders to clear the line and no one told him how to do it. Don’t worry, Ferd, your car is now part of the reef infrastructure which is a good thing.)

8 On an island, do not expect continuous electrical service. If you do, at best you’ll miss your favorite TV show. At worst, that two days of fish you caught will give you a great surprise when you discover them at room temperature in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator. (What do they say about guests and fish after three days, huh Putz?)

7 On an island, do not think you will find low-cost anything. If you do, at best you’ll have to get over sticker shock. At worst, you may run out of money early and have to cut your vacation short. (Too bad no one wants to buy or pawn that fishing equipment huh, Bunky?)

6 On an island, do not expect to be anonymous. If you do, at best you will be confused when storekeepers call you by name. At worst, that rude behavior you exhibited while checking into the hotel will follow you everywhere. (Now that you think about it Buford, that bowl of chili that accidentally landed in your lap might not have been so accidental. BTW have you ever heard of the coconut telegraph?)

5 On an island, do not expect peace and quiet during peak tourist days. If you do, at best you will tire of trying to tell everyone to be quiet. At worst, the last folks you told to be quiet were members of the  Outlaw chapter of the Hells Angles on their annual Raise Hell Tour.(No there is no one to rescue you Bunkie. You might as well go ahead and drink that half-gallon bong of beer and get it over quickly. Also, I wouldn’t try to convince those guys that you are allergic.)

4 On an island, do not expect to find your favorite brands at the grocery store. If you do, at best you’ll be disappointed. At worst, you’ll try to make do and realize that the items you picked bear no resemblance to what you expected. (You should have read the fine print on the contents of that creamed corn, Buster. If you had you would have spared yourself the apoplectic reaction and EMS trip)

3 On an island, do not expect cell service. If you do, at best you will be highly frustrated. At worst, all those calls you placed on the mainland and asked for a call back have all called back and now assume you don’t care since your phone went to voicemail immediately. ( Gee, Ralph. That agent was so hard to find and now believes you are an inconsiderate ass. I guess that contract won’t get signed after all.)

2 On an island, do not expect to make reservations at the best restaurants. If you do, at best you’ll spend a lot of time with no results. At worst, your refusal to stand in line with forty of your closest fellow tourists means fast food three nights in a row. (Who ever said this food was fast, huh Tex?)

1 On an island, do not expect that you are the only one who has thought of a visit. If you do, at best you will be shocked by the crowds. At worst, you will run into all the people you were trying to avoid by coming to the island in the first place. (The real downer was seeing your boss in a speedo huh, Leroy?)