Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Internet and Cell Service are Down

~ John W. Howell ~ 89 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this list came from living without the internet and very spotty cell service for the last two weeks. It took me a while to get used to the fact that I could not do what has become everyday activities with my devices.

10 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to send emails. If you do, at best you’ll never get an answer. At worst, you will convince yourself that you have been cut off from the word and will start filling bottles with notes. (Forget the fact that the biggest body of water is the dog dish, Barnaby.)

9 If your internet and cell service are down, do not look for “likes” on that last selfie. If you do, at best you’ll think no one saw it. At worst, you’ll think no one actually liked your selfie and could spiral into a black hole of self-doubt. (Your raging FOMO is about to overtake you huh, Barlow?)

8 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think you can poach off your neighbor. If you do, at best they will have a secure connection. At worst, your neighbor’s brother-in-law, Tiny, the WWF champ, who just returned from survival school will notice you crouched in the bushes close to the house. (That scream you are hearing was taught to Tiny to throw off the enemy he is about to pounce upon. Guess who, Bartek?)

7 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think you can sneak into a coffee-house and use theirs without buying anything. If you do, at best the manager is sixteen years old and afraid of you. At worst, the manager is a retired Marine who has just been told by a twenty-year-old District Manager that they will be fired if they allow poaching of the WiFi. (Looks like you made it out of there unscathed. Too bad about that flying laptop. The landing was not pretty right, Bastian?)

6 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to meet your book publish deadline in spite of the difficulties. If you do, at best you will be forced to set a new deadline. At worst, you will end up bald and with a bad case of PPSD. (That’s Post Publish Stress Disorder.)

5 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to stream a movie that you have wanted to watch. If you do, at best you’ll have to watch an old Harry Potter DVD. At worst, you’ll refuse to believe that the “LOADING” sign is a lie.(So after watching the LOADING sign for two hours maybe it’s time to call it a night, Bub.)

4 If your internet and cell service are down, do not keep picking up your phone after every little noise. If you do, at best you’ll be continually reminded that it’s gone. At worst, you might develop a tick which will require long-term therapy. (Try explaining to the doctor that your illness is cell phone related, Berkley.)

3 If your internet and cell service are down, do not put your life on hold until they return. If you do, at best you’ll miss out on trying new things. At worst, your family will begin to wonder if they need to orchestrate an intervention. (Sitting in a chair all day will not bring the internet and cell service back faster, Bixby.)

2 If your internet and cell service are down, do not lay out sheets in the backyard spelling the words, “Help, I Have No Internet.” If you do, at best a passing helicopter will drop some supplies in your yard. At worst, the Channel Six news team will hover above you and broadcast a story about the shallowest individual on the planet. (You could have guessed the story would go viral right, Bojan?)

1 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think anyone will miss you on your social media accounts. If you do, at best your feeling of isolation will drive you to books. At worst, you take to standing at the traffic light with a sign that says, “Will work for Tweets.” (Notice how many drivers look away when you get near, Benny?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When a Hurricane is Headed Your Way

~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

Hurricane Harvey

 

10 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not think it would be a good time to surf the storm surge. If you do, at best the authorities will arrest you. At worst, you’ll ride that last big one into the next county. (Now you have to figure a way back huh, Banjo?)

9 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not decide to ride it out at home. If you do, at best you’ll have a flotation device. At worst, you will need to tread water until you find dry land again. (maybe that couch floating by will be of some use, Beauregard.)

8 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not think you can take everything you own with you. If you do, at best you will come to your senses. At worst, once the car is packed you’ll find you have no room for the family. (Now logic says the family is more important than your beer cap collection right, Bently?)

7 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not think you won’t need a plan. If you do, at best the hurricane will go somewhere else. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who has the lowest seniority on the first responder team will be picking you off your roof. (You are right to wonder if he might drop you before getting into the helicopter, Bertrand.)

6 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not think the Dominos Pizza delivery man will be your back up food plan. If you do, at best your supply of Fritos and dip will last. At worst, you’ll be down to the crumbs in the bread bag and the worm in the bottle. (Guess you should have stocked up on more than party supplies, Bowie.)

5 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not underestimate its strength. If you do, at best that patio furniture will blow out to sea instead of into your living room. At worst, that refrigerator on your porch that you insisted would stay put has been responsible for repeated entrances and exits from your house. (Never thought that thing could make so many holes did you, Bruno?)

4 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not wait until the last-minute to leave. If you do, at best you will have to wait in traffic. At worst, you will be riding out the hurricane on the side of the road. (Yes your car will float for a while, Barnard, but then sinking is inevitable.)

3 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not think you will be allowed back to your house quickly after it is over. If you do, at best you will be very frustrated. At worst, those temporary arrangements you made look to be more permanent than the patience of your host. (Maybe time to find some temporary housing, Benny. Your host has a funny look while sharpening those knives.)

2 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not think your WiFi and cell service will continue throughout the storm. If you do, at best you will recapture what life was like before these services were invented. At worst, your advanced case of Fear of Missing Out will cause you to require medical attention. ( At least that injection the nurse just gave you has a calming effect, Benson)

1 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not worry about things that can be replaced. If you do, at best your priorities will probably need to change. At worst, you will spend worry time on things that in reality don’t mean a thing. (I guess you’ve been told huh, Buford.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Moving

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this piece was the arrival of a new couch and the accompanied rearranging of furniture. Since moving households is something almost everyone faces, I thought it would be fun to recap some things we should avoid doing should a move be necessary. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If you are moving, do not attempt it alone. If you do, at best it may take longer than expected. At worst, you could get caught under that heavy dresser and be missing for weeks. (Gotta hope the new tenants will figure out where those screams are coming from hey, Buster?)

9 If you are moving, do not forget to tip the movers. If you do, at best that last carton will stay on the truck. At worst, the big guy named Tiny, the WWF champ, will be asking questions about the quality of service. (You are hoping he puts you down gently, right Buford?)

8 If you are moving, do not think the movers will understand your attachment to grandma’s hand me down table. If you do, at best that scratch can be covered up. At worst, you will be able to start your first fire with what is left. (Seems like you should have mentioned how fragile it was, Boswell)

7 If you are moving, do not pack the boxes yourself. If you do, at best there will be a few items broken. At worst, that tinkling noise when you pick up the box marked “crystal,” will not be a welcome sound. (Looks like the savings on the cost of packing has gone into the red, Boris.)

6 If you are moving, do not mark the boxes with your own code. If you do, at best you’ll remember most of the code. At worst, in the rush of the move, you will forget what you meant and take a guess as to where things should go. (Nice to have all your pots and pans in the garage, isn’t it, Bosco?)

5 If you are moving, do not leave the old house without checking to see that everything is out. If you do, at best you’ll leave behind things that don’t matter. At worst, you’ll wonder what happened to the washer and dryer in transit. (Of course, the movers thought they stayed with the house, Basil.)

4 If you are moving, do not forget to change the water, gas, and electric bill. If you do, at best it might take you a day or two to remember. At worst, you receive a bill that is ten times your usual usage. (The new people decided they like the air conditioning set at 70 degrees, and the lawn watered every day. Guess you should have paid attention, Bentley.)

3 If you are moving, do not think your new neighbors need to give you cookies. If you do, at best you might be disappointed. At worst, as you mention the oversight you learn the previous residents were running a crack house.  (Looks like it might be a couple of years before anyone trusts you, Bubba.)

2 If you are moving, do not think the movers will place everything as you have it labeled. If you do, at best you may find some things in unusual places. At worst, you realize after they are gone that your master bedroom furniture is on the patio.(And guess what furniture is in the master bedroom, Burt?)

1 If you are moving, do not think you can challenge your partner on the layout of each room. If you do, at best you are in for a long day. At worst, combined with the stress of moving your input might be enough to win you an overnight accommodation in the back yard. ( You could have said something when the plans were drawn up, huh Butch?)

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Writer

~ John W. Howell ~ 135 Comments

Writer meme

This list was inspired by going out into public over the weekend. I am always amazed at some of the things people say once they find out you write full-time.

10 If you meet a writer, do not tell them you have a book you have meant to write. If you do, at best they will walk away. At worst, they will ask how come you haven’t written it yet? (That is a pretty uncomfortable silence isn’t it, Bunky?)

9 If you meet a writer, do not ask about their royalties. If you do, at best they will offer to buy you a drink. At worst, they will ask you to pick up the bar tab. (That was the saddest poor-mouth story you ever heard, huh Ralph?)

8 If you meet a writer, do not ask about a movie deal. If you do, at best you’ll have to listen to the impossibilities of getting a film deal. At worst, you’ll have to supply the tissues and offer large soothing hugs. (It’s almost like this guy is never going to stop sobbing right, Tex?)

7 If you meet a writer named Tiny the WWF champ, do not tell him you have not read his book. If you do, at best his disappointment will cause you to cry. At worst, he will hold you on his lap and read it to you.( It is hard to get away isn’t it, Buford?)

6 If you meet a writer, do not tell them how you would have ended the book. At best, the look you get should be photographed and filed under incredulity in Wikipedia. At worst,   the writer might just leave the gathering and work out previous rejection traumas consuming a gallon of ice cream. (No, you are not invited to join the ice cream social, Putz.)

5 If you meet a writer, do not ask what they do for “real work.” If you do, at best they will humor you with lawn cutting stories. At worst, they will give you the impression that they eliminate ignorant people for money.( You have to admit if this guy writes as well as he frightens, he’s good huh, Bosco?)

4 If you meet a writer, do not ask them to review your manuscript. If you do, at best they will try to change the subject. At worst, they will say yes and try as they may never find the time to read it. (You should join a critique group Buster and quit bothering people you just met.)

3 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what brand of whiskey they drink. If you do, at best they will think you are joking. At worst, the writer will grasp the stereotype and provide you with an obscure brand name that cost $100 a bottle. (Pretty expensive way to get inspired hey, Pal?)

2 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what they do in their spare time. If you do, at best you’ll get a vague answer along the lines of washing the dog. At worst, you’ll have to stand and listen to what sounds like a description of a person with an Attention Deficit Disorder describing a typical work month. (The big question now is how do you make a getaway right, Prince?)

1 If you meet a writer, do not mention that you haven’t written a review of their book on Amazon. If you do, at best the smile you get is fake. At worst, you’ll have to hear a long story about how a writer knows if they are appealing to their readers. (Might have been better to lie, Buddy.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Trail Ride

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Trail Ride

The inspiration for this list was receiving a photo of a couple who had gone on a trail ride. My last ride was in Aspen Colorado, but I still remember the experience. We were riding at 8,000 feet in the Rockies, and the sights were hard to describe. Hope you enjoy the list knowing not many of your take trail rides routinely.

10 If you are on a trail ride, do not think beach wear is appropriate on a horse. If you do, at best the little chaffing will be soothed by lotion. At worst, a cactus ride by will yield a trip to the ER. (Those thorns certainly make a mess huh, Buford?)

9 If you are on a trail ride, do not let your horse bite the mount of Tiny the WWF champ who is on a horse for the first time. If you do, at best Tiny will keep his seat. At worst, Tiny will be airborne and once he lands He’ll want to “talk” to you. (You know Tiny tends to talk with his knuckle megaphone right, Tex?)

8 If you are on a trail ride, do not think you can ignore your guide. If you do, at best you’ll not get lost. At worst, you will only be lost until the forest service helicopter spots you. ( How do you like that five-figure search and rescue bill, Ferd?)

7 If you are on a trail ride, do not think your needs are the only ones that need to be addressed. If you do, at best someone will set you straight quickly. At worst, you may find yourself walking back to base by yourself. (It might have been that statement about needing a china plate for lunch that was the last straw, Bosco.)

6 If you are on a trail ride, do not get off your horse unless the guide tells you. If you do, at best you might find a way on your own to get back on. At worst, you frightened the horses behind you, and now all are running for the barn. (Wonder why no one is talking to you, Pal?)

5 If you are on a trail ride, do not ask if there is a vegan choice for an entrée at the campfire dinner. If you do, the grizzled guide will give you a look not to be forgotten. At worst, your guide will hand you a plate that he swears is meatless.  (You should have arranged your choice ahead of time, Buster. Is that something moving in the meatless dish?)

4 If you are on a trail ride, do not forget to take water. If you don’t at best, you have to hope the guide has bottled water. At worst you’ll have to drink from the guide’s canteen. (Was that a hint of chewing tobacco backwash in that last drink, Bunky?)

3 If you are on a trail ride, do not irritate your horse. If you do, at best he won’t dump you on the trail. At worst, at 8000 feet your horse will decide to trip slightly giving you the opportunity to apologise. (The apology better be sincere, Roscoe.)

2 If you are on a trail ride, do not think you have to act like John Wayne on a cattle drive. If you do, at best your fellow riders will ignore you. At worst, yippie yi ki yay is horse language for dump this idiot. (How you got on the ground so fast, Putz?)

1 If you are on a trail ride, do not try to keep up with your texts and e-mails. If you do, at best you’ll finally lose a signal in the mountains. At worst, your horse will detect you are not paying attention and will take the opportunity to gallop to the barn early. (Looks like you are barely holding on, Roy. That screaming is very becoming as well.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do Touring Overseas

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

Overseas

 

The inspiration for this list is my current tour of Scotland. I figure I will only have one chance to use this list so I’m going for it. I hope you like it.

10 If you are touring overseas, do not try to plug your phone charger into a socket without an adapter. if you do, at best it won’t work. At worst, forcing the connection may cause your phone to be damaged. (Now what are you going to do with a melted phone, Herb?)

9 If you are touring overseas, do not ignore the pedestrian crossing signs. If you do, at best all the brakes will be in good condition. At worst, you’ll end up on the hood of a cab driven by Tiny the WWF champ who has just received his license back from too many accidents. (Now, the collision didn’t kill you but there is no guarantee after Tiny is through with you, Burt. He looks pretty mad too.)

8 If you are touring overseas, do not ask the local restaurant if they have Big Macs. If you do, at best they may not understand you. At worst, they will serve you yesterday’s food rescued from the can out back. (You tipped your hand on your gastronomical sophistication huh, Bosco?)

7 If you are touring overseas, do not try to pay with American money. If you do, at best you get an exchange rate of 30%. At worst, you will not find anyone to take the money and the police will be called as you try to leave the establishment. (You should have checked before ordering that big dinner, Putz)

6 If you are touring overseas, do not expect everyone to speak and understand English. If you do, at best you will be doing without a lot. At worst, in trying to communicate you may inadvertently use a phrase who’s essence is perceived to put a curse on the person. (I guess you are wondering why the formally calm person is running at you with a large sword huh, Buford? Don’t worry you have your NIKE’s on but I would get moving.)

5 If you are touring overseas, do not take a picture of anyone without asking permission. If you do, at best they won’t notice. At worst, you’ll snap a picture of a major political figure who doesn’t want anyone to know he is where you captured the photo and who he is with. (Yes, Ferd. It is complicated and now your camera is gone. Those guys were big.)

4 If you are touring overseas, pay attention and heed warning signs. If you don’t, at best you’ll survive the day. At worst, the sign that asked you to mind the path is but a memory as you are being chased by the queen’s security force.(Good thing you have those Nikes huh, Bunky? Of course, that stun dart is starting to slow you down as you  can’t feel your feet.)

3 If you are touring overseas, do not litter. If you do, at best a gentle person will remind you. At worst, you just threw down a paper in front of the leader of the Militant Litterer Crushers. (Sadly the paper isn’t that tasty is it, Bud?)

2 If you are touring overseas, do not ignore the local rules of tipping. If you do, at best you’ll get away with one faux pas. At worst, you may have lost luggage, poor service, and soup that is only 89 % spit-free.(You may have saved a little in the short run huh, Leroy?)

1 If you are touring overseas, do not try to navigate the cities and countryside without a map. If you do, at best you’ll be able to ask directions. At worst, you may end up hopelessly lost and a perfect candidate for the pirate press gangs roaming the land. (Okay so there are no press gangs Stew. It sure is dark in this ally though, isn’t it?)

***

I am still overseas and will try to keep up with comments but apologies if I get behind.

Top Ten Things Not to Do With a Smartphone

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

Top Ten things Not to Do

 

10 If you have a smartphone, do not use it to send a breakup message. If you do, at best the message will fail to deliver. At worst, your message will be received just after the recipient has paid a no return deposit on the condo you were to share.  (Talk about awkward, Idiot.)

9 If you have a smartphone, do not use it to video record those embarrassing family moments. If you do, at best you will be convinced to trash the video. At worst, your clip is now on YouTube, and there are a million likes. (Yes, your family is well-known for its stupidity. Too bad they can’t show their face in public, Putz)

8 If you have a smartphone, do not think you must reach the last level of Candy Crush. If you do, at best your phone will quit working. At worst, you will still be working to achieve the level even as your family has finally given up all contact. (Can you say obsessed, Bert?)

7 If you have a smartphone, do not think anyone wants to see your pictures. If you do, at best you may find a hapless victim who feigns interest. At worst, most of the people you show your treasures are sound asleep at the end. (Of course, they are now a captive audience huh, Buford?)

6 If you have a smartphone, do not think you can take pictures without permission. If you do, at best you may be told to stop doing so. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who you just photographed, just confessed to his therapy group how camera-shy he has become as a result of being more open in the discussions. (You are very right to begin running, Buster. I think Tiny is gaining on you, though.)

5 If you have a smartphone, do not ask the robot assistant a question in public. If you do, at best you won’t be understood. At worst, your question was so inane that now everyone realizes you are an idiot. (“What is the temperature today?” was a real crowd pleaser, Goober. Go sit down and be quiet.)

4 If you have a smartphone, do not think you can watch a video and walk at the same time. If you do, at best a few bumps by passersby will convince you to stop. At worst, being airborne as a result of walking into a taxi will give you time to think about next time. (You must now prepare for the second collision with the ground, Tex. Here’s hoping there is a next time.)

3 If you have a smartphone, do not take any selfies you wouldn’t want your mother to see. If you do, at best she’ll never see them. At worst, those little photos you made for your friend’s eyes only are now featured on the Snapchat gross photo of the week. (And you thought the cloud was an iron-clad secure place huh, Dufus?)

2 If you have a smartphone, do not be afraid of that ringing sound. If you are, at best you can stop it by answering with a “hello.” At worst, the distraction of the ringing causes you to take extraordinary measures that finally silence the ringing. (You did know that water is harmful to a smartphone right, Bucky? And BTW smartphones were initially designed for phone calls. That’s what all that ringing was about.)

1 If you have a smartphone, do not operate any other machinery while using it.If you do, at best you will get one chance with no consequences. At worst, you may hurt yourself and others especially if you are driving a car. (But you know all this right, Bunion?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Camping

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

 

The inspiration for this list was surveying the damage after the Memorial Day weekend. Several campsites (Documented here) were either blown or washed away. Such a situation caused the development of a list that might save others from a similar fate.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Camping

10 If you are camping, do not arrive in the dark to set up. If you do, at best you might accidentally choose a high dry spot. At worst, your camp was pitched in a low spot that the forest animals routinely use as a freeway. (Nothing like having a family of Coyotes in your sleeping bag huh, Bradley?)

9 If you are camping, do not go to the site without having tested new equipment. If you do, at best your stove has no fuel and its try to cook over a fire time. At worst, your water purifier kit is missing a part, and now you have nothing to drink but Bud Light. (Okay so maybe you don’t mind, Buford but the family looks like they are in the beginning stage of dehydration.)

8 If you are camping, do not think you will be immune to insect bites and not take repellent. If you do, at best you’ll have to hope the mud stops the itching. At worst, you might be the only member of the team to come down with malaria. (Who knew that the only Anopheles mosquito in North America had a crush on you, Leroy?)

7 If you are camping, do not take the weather reports lightly. If you do, at best you have not planned activities that can be done in inclement weather. At worst, you may experience what it is like to be cold, wet, and hungry for several days. (You could have done the same thing in your backyard right, Doofis?)

6 If you are camping, do not think you will be able to buy more food at the campsite.  If you do, at best your trip will end early. At worst, your attempts to borrow food from other campers will be met with the same welcome extended to bears. (You also learned a lesson about challenging a bear at the dumpster huh, Bunky?)

5 If you are camping, do not think your fellow campers welcome your loud morning wake-up music. If you do, at best the park management will help you pack. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ having been advised by his anger management counselor to go camping for the peace and quiet is now heading toward your site with a good morning greeting of his own. (It won’t help to ask Tiny to put you down. He’ll be thinking of a body slam, Tex.)

4 If you are camping, do not forget the first aid kit. If you do, at best the rule of camping that says, “someone will get hurt” might pass you by. At worst, in one day your group will have two sprained ankles, a dislocated shoulder, a fish hook in the eyebrow, and poison ivy. (Funny thing is all these things happened to you, Burt and it wasn’t even noon on the first day yet.)

3 If you are camping, do not count on a hot shower. If you do, at best you’ll have to use a cold lake. At worst, you are now attracting wild things from the forest and are being asked to sleep outside the tent. (Your stubbornness regarding hot water is not paying off is it, Buster?)

2 If you are camping, do not arrive at the campsite without a reservation. If you do, at best a standby spot will open up. At worst you, the family, and the dog will be sharing the backseat of your Toyota Corolla. (At least you all have learned what makes each of your really mad right, Putz?)

1 If you are camping, do not think you can recreate the luxury and convenience of your home. If you do, at best you will come up short. At worst, the lack of electricity and air conditioning will finally push you over the edge. (Might as well admit camping is not for you, Ferd.)

Top Ten things Not to Do on Memorial Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

As you know, I would normally have a Top Ten list which contains tongue in cheek advice on how to behave under certain circumstances.

Today I only have one thing on the list that I could repeat ten times (but I won’t).

On Memorial Day, do not go through the day without remembering those who gave their lives so that we can continue to celebrate such a beautiful remembrance.

Here is wishing you a peaceful day filled with gratitude.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Tax Protest Hearing

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

Tax assessor

The inspiration for this list was a visit to the tax assessor to protest a 20% rise in my assessed valuation which is the basis for the property tax amount. (This is allowed in the Republic of Texas) I must say the meeting was cordial and we kissed goodbye, (It’s an island don’t forget), yet I have to go to the next level since there was no change in my situation. So, I did not need this list but thought I would publish it anyway. I hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Tax Protest Hearing

10 If you are protesting your assessment, do not enter the hearing with a frown on your face. If you do, at best you’ll get one back in return, At worst, the assessor will assume you are a tough customer and will guard her concessions like gold. (A smile would have put the assessor off guard, Ferd. It wouldn’t have cost you anything.)

9 If you are protesting your assessment, do not show signs of weakness at the hearing. If you do, at best the assessor will think you a push over. At worst, the assessor will discover a “mistake” in the county’s favor, and your tax bill will go up. (You see, Buster it is a zero sum game. One person’s rate goes down they must find a sapsucker (Guess who) who won’t fight an increase.)

8 If you are protesting your assessment, do not agree to anything without thinking it through. If you do, at best you might be missing further reductions. At worst, your quick agreement will come back in the form of a huge increase next year. (Thought it was too good to be true huh, Bunky? Hint: It was.)

7 If you are protesting your assessment, do not snow the assessor under with too many statistics. If you do, at best you’ll confuse the assessor. At worst, the assessor will believe you are trying to pull a fast one and shut down. (You now know property assessment is not a science right, Buford?)

6 If you are protesting your assessment, do not threaten the assessor with eternal damnation. If you do, at best your assessment will stand. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who has just graduated from The Church of What’s Happening Now correspondence course will believe he needs to physically remove the hieratic from the facility. (That body slam to the concrete smarts doesn’t it, Roy?)

5 If you are protesting your assessment, do not bring in your pastrami sandwich with you. If you do, at best the meeting will end quickly with no resolution At worst, your assessor has not eaten since yesterday and can not function with you slowly eating your sandwich. (So you had a nice lunch, Putz. Higher taxes as your reward.)

4 If you are protesting your assessment, do not show up after building your courage attending happy hour at the Gaff. If you do, at best someone will have mercy, and you’ll be asked to leave. At worst, you’ll agree to an increased assessment as well as free cocktails to all assessor personal after the hearing. (Never knew what a soft touch you were after a few drinks did you, Bosco?)

3 If you are protesting your assessment, do not raise your voice. If you do, at best your assessor will walk away. At worst, the SWAT team will assume you are a person of interest and wrestle you into the transport waiting outside. (You can’t imagine what caused everyone to hit the floor can you, Slug?)

2 If you are protesting your assessment, do not threaten to burn your house down. If you do, at best the assessor will see no reason to reduce your assessment until after it is gone. At worst, you will be seen as a danger to society and helped to a quiet place to recover.(You can’t move your arms you say, Bunky? Must be that straight jacket that is hampering you.)

1 If you are protesting your assessment, do not insult your assessor. If you do, at best all you’ll get is a smile. At worst, your assessor has just completed a self-esteem retreat and is now in a regression mode and can’t help you. (Don’t worry, Tex. The assessor will be assigned to your case for the next ten years at which time your tax bill will closely match the amount paid for the most expensive property in the county.)