Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do In Front of Your Boss

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

Ten things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list came in a discussion with Teagan Geneviene on the ridiculousness of some policies that have been created by bosses. It came to me then to develop a list of things not to let a boss see you do since it could result in a new policy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Front of Your Boss.

10 If your boss is looking, do not laugh. If you do, at best you will raise a question as to why you are not serious about work. At worse, you boss will assume you’ve gotten away with something and will try desperately to find out what it is. (Cozy with your boss camped out in your cube huh, Ferd?)

9 If your boss is looking, do not frown. If you do, at best your boss with think you are unhappy. At worse, you boss with think you have a problem and offer to help you solve it.(” I’m your boss, and I’m here to help you,” are the most feared words right, Buster?)

8 If your boss is looking, do not chat on the phone. If you do, at best your boss will time the call. At worst, it will be assumed you cannot prioritize your work. (How are you enjoying those after work classes on work priorities, Pud?)

7 If your boss is looking, do not leave for lunch. If you do, at best, you boss will feel abandoned. At worse, you boss will question your dedication to the job at hand. (Yeah I know it was just a half hour but will that be of comfort at the unemployment office, Putz?)

6 If your boss is looking, do not allow anyone to visit your cube. If you do, at best it will be assumed you use the office as a social venue. At worst, you’ll be required to fill out a form for every minute of the work day. (Now, did that conversation take two minutes exactly, Bunky?)

5 If your boss is looking, do not yell at a fellow worker no matter how annoying. If you do, at best your boss will put you on the disruptive watch list. At worst, your after hour weekday will be taken up by classes on sensitivity and the rights of others. (Lucky you the other classmate is Tiny the WWF champ who keeps growling at you when the instructor turns away. Don’t worry Buster Tiny hates everyone. Nothing personal)

4 If your boss is looking, do not throw away anything. If you do, at best there will be an after-hours look into your wastebasket. At worst, your boss will report you to the recycle and security departments for a full investigation as to compliance.(What this strip search has to do with recycling is anybody’s guess huh Buford?)

3 If your boss is looking, to not leave your cube without locking your computer. If you do, at best the demerit will put you one over the line. At worst, security will be called to remove your computer for a full disc scan to determine if it has been compromised. (Those online searches for golf clubs look a little embarrassing now don’t they Tex?)

2 If your boss is looking, do not shut your computer down a minute early. If you do, at best you boss will come in and ask a question that will require an embarrassing restart. At worst, you will have an additional set of classes to attend dealing with office hour policy. These classes meet on Saturday, Pard.)

1 If your boss is looking, do not, I repeat, do not, sneak a chew of that gum. If you do, at best you’ll be reminded about the policy about eating at your desk. At worst, the environmental department will be called to set rodent traps, and pest spray your area. (Your request for a gas mask and allergy shots has been denied, Herm.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Transported Back to the Roaring Twenties and a guest appearance by Teagan Ríordáin Geneviene

~ John W. Howell ~ 95 Comments

Three things Serial

 

This week’s list is inspired by Teagan R. Geneviene who is working to release her next 1920’s novel. In a discussion, she wondered aloud what it would be like to be transported back to the roaring twenties. My mind went immediately to the Top Ten things one shouldn’t do if transported. You see, I have the belief that Teagan can do anything she puts her mind to doing. I feel it is my job to warn her in case she is successful. So here is the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You are Transported Back to the Roaring Twenties

10 If you have been transported to the roaring twenties, do not try to pay for anything with the money in your pocket. If you do, at best you’ll be a laughing-stock. At worst, you may be charged with counterfeiting. (Nothing like a little time on bread and water to help that waistline huh, Bunky?)

9 If you have been transported to the roaring twenties, do not let anyone see your iPhone or Apple watch. If you do, at best they will think you are from Hollywood. At worst, you might find yourself tied to a stake on top of a very big pile of wood. (That guy with the kerosene and matches heading this way is not the fire chief, Buford)

8 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties do not think you can tell someone how a computer works in hopes of usurping Bill Gates. If you do, at best you’ll have very confused people trying to understand your directions. At worst, that jacket you are being fitted for is not for show. (Does the name Bellevue ring a bell, Buster?)

7 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties, do not try out your charleston until you see how others do it. If you do, at best those old movies were wrong. At worst, most everyone will assume you have been overserved. (The nice part there are no cell phone videos to go viral huh, Tex?)

6 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties, do not laugh when you are served a martini in a teacup. If you do, at best the bartender will think you are drunk. At worst, the gang may assume you are a Fed and invite you to take a swim while wearing cement overshoes. (Boy, those guys play rough don’t they, Slick.)

5 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties do not wave second-hand cigarette smoke away and claim you are allergic. If you do, at best you might be asked to leave. At worst, Tiny the Bronx wrestling champ and the club bouncer might ask you to leave his way. (You were sure that door was going to stop you from hitting the ally weren’t you, Champ. Oh yes. Tiny says you owe him for a new door.)

4 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties, do not grab a megaphone and start singing Winchester Cathedral. If you do, at best you’ll get strange looks. At worst, people will think you have a crush on Rudy Vallee. (You see Ferd, it would be like singing a Bono song. It’s just not done.)

3 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties do not try to pump your own gas. If you do, at best you won’t be able to crank the pump. At worst, the local service station attendant may think you are after his job. (How did that large monkey wrench feel before you passed out huh, Babe?)

2 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties, do not ask for a doggie bag at the restaurant. If you do, at best you’ll get a raw bone. At worst, the chef might assume you felt his food was only fit for dogs. ( I would not argue with a guy who has such a big knife, Pard. In fact, I would take off running.

1 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties, do not use slang until sure of the proper context. If you do, at best you might insult a few people. At worst, you may have triggered a full-blown riot. (Who knew Twenty-Three Skidoo was a code word for a steelworker rebellion. Not you huh, Putz?)

As a special treat, I also have Teagan as a guest today with a vignette In the Pip of Time. The post is all yours Teagan.

Hello, everyone!  I’m Teagan Ríordáin Geneviene, from the blog, Teagan’s Books.  Thank you, John, for agreeing to do a joint post with me, using one of your fabulous lists of what not to do!  As I get ready for the takeoff of my next 1920s novel, Murder at the Bijou, Three Ingredients-I, I’m doing some collaborative posts with other bloggers.  I’m delighted to be here at Fiction Favorites.

This vignette is set in the Roaring Twenties world of my flapper character, Paisley Idelle Peabody, aka Pip.  (For more about Pip, see The Three Things Serial Story click here.)

Your readers might not know that I’m fond of doing “pantser” stories, written spontaneously, according to random things, provided by readers.  This time I took my three things from numbers nine and ten of John’s list:  Counterfeiting, Time, and Hollywood.  I hope you enjoy this impromptu vignette.  Here goes!

In the Pip of Time

Aelita_1924_still_04

“Aelita, Queen of Mars” was playing at the Bijou Theatre.  I was brand new in town and my pal Alastair Wong invited me to go to the show with a group of his friends.  However, the friends canceled.  To my surprise, Granny Phanny and Dr. Veronica Vale took the tickets.  At first, I couldn’t understand why they would want to see a science fiction film about a soldier, an inventor, and a police informant taking the first flight to Mars.

Veronica reminded Alastair and me that she and Granny had been, and basically would always be suffragettes.  They encouraged films with strong female characters.  Of course, in this story, Aelita is not what she at first seemed and things end badly for her.  Nonetheless, she was a strong character and the two older women wanted to see the show.

Afterward, Granny and Veronica were still animatedly discussing the story as we walked out of the Bijou.  Alastair and I were fascinated by the Hollywood “movie magic” that created the Martian city and the spaceship.  As you might expect our discussion was more whimsical than that of the older generation.

“What if somebody from Mars came here?” Alastair pondered.250px-Princess_of_Mars_large

I always got a kick out of his mildly British accent.  So I was already smiling when I told him Martians would have a tough time fitting in with humans.  It was doubtful that anybody would think they were the bee’s knees! 

A man wearing a bizarre metal hat and strange clothes burst out of the theater.  He tried to close a fancy briefcase as he ran.  Several bills flew out of it.  He grabbed most of them, but I noticed the breeze took one over to a planter.  The man just kept running until he rounded the corner of the Bijou.

Out of curiosity, Alastair and I followed him to the dead end alley behind the theater.  We backed against the wall, when a moment later a woman ran after him.  She had pointy cone shaped things over her ears.  Though no one was with her, she spoke as if in conversation with someone.  She held something that must have been a large gun, although it didn’t look quite like any shooter I’d ever seen.  She pointed it at the man and yelled for him to stop.

Gods_of_Mars-1918 Edgar Rice Burroughs

Then she fired the gun — I think.  At least she pointed it and seemed to shoot it, but I didn’t see it do anything.  However, the trash can six feet ahead of the guy exploded.  He looked at her fearfully, but he kept running.  So she threw a whirling thingamajig at his feet, causing him to fall.

The woman jumped on him, with her knee in his back, pinning him to the ground.  She muttered something about “low-life securities thief.”  He grunted at the pressure from her knee.

Then she spotted Alastair and me.  We shrank further against the wall.  The odd gun looked even bigger when she pointed it at us.  That bearcat had a fierce glare, I can tell you.  To my astonishment she abruptly started laughing.

Sci Fi Costume 1920s woman.png

“I could warn you not to tell anyone what you just saw,” she stopped chortling long enough to say.  “But if you did, they’d think you were insane.”

Still chuckling, she touched one of the pointy cones that covered her ears.  She and the man disappeared into thin air!  It was as if they had never been there at all — except for the exploded remains of the trash can.

Alastair and I exchanged wide-eyed looks, speechless.  He made an obviously uncomfortable attempt at laughing.

“Those Hollywood types.  They’ll do anything to promote a film.”

“But there was nobody to see that but us,” I managed to say, though it was more of a squeak.  “It wouldn’t be much of a promo.”

I headed back around the corner, remembering the paper that fell out of the odd man’s briefcase.  The man had missed one and I saw it land in a planter.  I plucked it out of the greenery.

“That looks like mazuma,” Alastair whispered.  “Cash money!  But it’s not any currency I’ve ever seen.  Maybe it’s counterfeit.”

Inspecting it closely I nodded and turned the paper over to read both sides.  “It says ‘Federal Reserve Note’ but you’re right.  It must be counterfeit.  It’s odd looking, but even if it was from some other country, they’ve got the date wrong.  It says 2419.  As if maybe somebody transposed the date.”

Alastair and I continued to stare at one another.  Now and then one or the other of us would take a breath, start to say something, and then shrug mutely.

Finally, I summoned the only words I could.  “I wouldn’t mind getting spifflicated about now.”

Alastair agreed.

The end.

***

1920s Man on Moon Drinking

If you want to know more about the upcoming 1920s culinary mystery, Murder at the Bijou, Three Ingredients-I, click here.

 

Copyright © 2017 by Teagan Ríordáin Geneviene

All rights reserved.

Ten Things Not to Do at The Final Four Playoffs

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

March Madness

 

The inspiration for this list—Wait! have you been put to sleep for the last couple of weeks? You know the inspiration so here goes.

Ten Things Not to Do in the Final Four Playoffs

10 Do not fall sleep overnight outside in Phoenix without a tent. If you do at best, you may get a scorpion bite. At worst, you may be hauled off by a pack of coyotes who have you confused with a large sheep. (No, these guys aren’t inviting you home for dinner Roscoe. You are dinner.)

9 Do not think the public intoxication laws are not in force during the tournament. If you do, at best you’ll avoid all the testing blockades. At worst, you will be asked to walk a straight line that is all but impossible if you were sober. (Well a nice ride in the patrol car is an interesting way to spend the evening huh, Buford?)

8 Do not believe the locals who tell you the sun in Phoenix is not fierce in March. If you do, At best you’ll have an uncomfortable night’s sleep. At worst, you will be the first sunburn victim admitted to the burn trauma unit at the hospital. ( At least your picture is in the paper, Ferd. Of course, the headline reads “Idiot Let’s Self Get Burned.”)

7 Do not pay attention to the KissCam in the arena. If you do, at best your date will think you are proposing. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ sitting next to you will think you are proposing and wants you to know he says yes.( Don’t try to get out of this one claiming a mistake, Tex. Tiny doesn’t take well to hurt feelings.)

6 Do not take that 32oz drink into the stands unless you have an easy way out. If you do, at best you will have to hold everything for the entire game. At worst, you will struggle through the row only to block the view of the biggest guy in the stadium just as the winning basket is made.(Guess what Roy? His team lost. I think he may blame you.)

5 Do not paint your face with your team’s colors. If you do, at best your parents won’t be watching the game to see how they are wasting that tuition. At worst, the paint was the wrong kind, and now you are sitting in a job interview explaining your blue and gold complexion. (You didn’t want that job. After all, it was your dream would have paid one hundred grand a year huh, Bunky?)

4 Do not watch the tournament while at work. If you do, at best you will not get caught. At worst, you might get your job and the tournament confused like telling those twelve fights to hold during the penalty free throw. (You always take your job as an air traffic controller seriously don’t you, Bosco?)

3 Do not yell for the entire game. If you do, at best you’ll be reduced to a whisper. At worse, you’ll get a phone call from your agent who is wanting you to accept that movie deal on your book. (Unfortunately, he can’t hear you, and the offer expires in five minutes, Putz)

2 Do not think food in the arena is calorie free. If you do, at best you’ll be facing a slight weight gain. At worst, you will need to revisit that reduction program since all the tension of the game was channeled through your mouth. (Looks like six months of salad and water got wiped out in a single afternoon, huh Bub?)

1 Do not take your frustration in losing the tournament out on other drivers on the way home. If you do, at best you’ll get home safely. At worst, you’ll meet your road rage match, and he’s driving a military grade four by four. ( You can use that flat car as a sled next winter can’t you, Buba?)

Top Ten Things Not to do in The Back of a Police Car

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

Spring Break

 

Spring break inspires many things. There are enough police interventions during this time to be an inspiration for some stories. I picked a small segment of time and provide advice to those who find themselves behind the grid so to speak.

Top Ten Things Not to do in The Back of a Police Car

By John W. Howell © 2017

10 In the back of a police car, do not start a campfire thinking you need to stay warm. If you do, at best the foam extinguisher may make your face break out. At worst, your dad will not answer your call, and the judge is remanding you over for psychological evaluation. (Looks like the cost of the car and long-term care will be on you, Pumpkin)

9 In the back of a police car, do not remove your clothes. If you do, at best you will be asked to put them back on. At worst, in addition to all the charges so far you have added indecent exposure. (Let’s see how this plays in the hometown paper, Bunky)

8 In the back of a police car, do not sing Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. If you do, at best you will be on key with no consequences. At worst, your performance will be videotaped and go viral showing up at every job interview background check for the next ten years. (Wonder why it’s so hard to find work, Buford?)

7 In the back of a police car, do not try to kick your way out. If you do, at best you may sprain an ankle. At worst, the resisting arrest charge will require arm and leg restraints for every court appearance. (Nothing makes one look guilty quite as much as chains huh, Tex?)

6 In the back of a police car, do not try hysterical crying as a method of possible release.  If you do, at best you may be locked up for your own protection. At worst, you may find yourself strapped to a gurney under observation at the local hospital. (This was not an intended result was it, Bucky?)

5 In the back of a police car, do not think you are in a public restroom. If you do, at best you find no place to wash up. At worst, you will notice the name tag on the officer now holding you around the neck which reads, “Tiny.” (You didn’t know this was Tiny’s (WWF champ) favorite car did you, Slug? Now it might be a little too late.)

4 In the back of a police car, do not whine about the tight handcuffs. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worse, your cuffs will be traded out for a full straight jacket. (Makes the cuffs seem like a luxury right, Pard?)

3 In the back of a police car do not try to tell the officers how mush of a mistake they are making in arresting you. If you do, at best they will continue to ignore you. At worst, instead of a short ride and warning, they may personally drive you to the county jail and book you in. (Nothing like making it tougher on yourself huh, Slick?)

2 In the back of a police car do not wave and smile at everyone you pass. If you do, at best no one knows who you are. At worst, unbeknownst to you, some your parent’s friends witnessed your procession. (Those scholarship funds just aren’t going to cover all your college expenses now that you are cut off are they, Buster?)

1 In the back of a police car, pray you don’t get sick. If you do at best maybe the prayer will be answered. At worst, your prayer has been ignored, and you are now faced with two angry police officers and a very messy backseat. (Tomorrow morning ought to be a beaut huh, Roscoe?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Bungee Jumping

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

Bungee jumping

 

The inspiration for this list was the desire to do a top ten post that would provide no useful information but just humor. I picked bungee jumping since I’m sure most of you have never contemplated doing something that obscure. If you have then all the better. The point is I hope you enjoy the list even though it may not apply to you.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Bungee Jumping.

10 While Bungee jumping, do not attempt to light your smoke. If you do, at best you’ll still be trying at the bottom of the jump. At worst, you ‘ll be successful, and between the highs and lows of the jump, your shirt is now on fire. (Tough to put out with this wind huh, Bunky?)

9 While Bungee Jumping, do not attempt to tighten your ankle cuffs. If you do at best, you will turn the keys the proper way for tightening. At worst, you’ll be confused loosen them instead. (Sure feels funny this free flight thing huh, Pilgrim?)

8 While Bungee jumping, do not try to impress your friends with too many acrobatics. If you do, at best that Triple Lux with come off without a hitch. At worst you have extended the Bungee’s about one foot too far. (Could have used that foot when you hit the canyon floor huh, Buford?)

7 While Bungee jumping, do not try to eat your leftover Pad Thai mid-air. If you do, at best you might get a bite or two. At worst, you’ll finish the jump looking like the after photo of a food fight. (If you are careful you can save some of those noodles, Buster.)

6 While Bungee jumping, do not group text your friends. If you do, At best your text won’t be understood. At worst, the auto correct feature will alienate every friend you have. (You thought the message, “Best of Luck to You,” would be well received huh, Leroy?”)

5 While Bungee jumping, do not edit your latest manuscript. If you do, at best you get one or two words covered before the first bounce. At worst, the wind will take your manuscript and spread it over several miles. (Should have numbered those pages huh, Slick?)

4 While Bungee jumping, do not close your eyes on the way down. If you do, at best you might miss the good parts. At worst, the ride personnel will assume you’ve passed out and will throw you into an EMS vehicle despite your protestations. (Who ever heard of someone taking a nap on a bungee jump, Ferd?)

3 While Bungee jumping, do not jump before taking care of that 32 oz Big Gulp drink you just finished. If you do, at best you’ll feel like a full watermelon when the g-forces hit you at the bottom. At worst, you treat all the bystanders to a show at your expense. (Now where are you going to find some dry pants, Tex?)

2 While Bungee jumping, do not turn the GoPro camera to capture your face. If you do, at best you forgot to turn it on. At worst, the video of you screaming like a kid will go viral. (You could have taken some beautiful shots of the valley, but no you had to be a hero, huh Ralph?)

1 While Bungee jumping, do not forget to tip the cuff connector guy. If you do, at best you can take care of it after the jump is over. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ was highly offended you forgot him. (That ground comes up fast without those bothersome lines huh, Burt?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Texting

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

Texting

The inspiration for this list came to me when I inadvertently sent a text to the wrong person. Lucky there was nothing in the text that might be embarrassing but caused my fiction mind to go into overdrive. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Texting

10 When texting, do not use acronyms that you don’t understand. If you do, at best you might be misunderstood.  At worst, you may shock the receiver with your lack of social grace. (You thought WTF meant “Why the Fuss,” didn’t you, Ferd? Too bad Nun Mary Teresa was the recipient of your misunderstanding.)

9 When texting, check to whom you are sending the message. If you don’t, at best your message will provide some laughs. At worst, that disparaging comment about Tiny the WWF champ’s mother will go right to him by mistake. (You could have sworn you were messaging your best friend only to discover you replied to Tiny’s last text to you where he threatened to break your leg. Don’t look but he’s heading toward you now, Buford.)

8 When texting, do not rely on auto-correct to cover your mistakes. If you do, at best you will need to explain that last text. At worst, you just sent a group text to the garden club where you explained that the male Pinto plant needed to be placed inside a moist verdant vessel. (Well, that sure didn’t come out the way you intended did it, Alice?)

7 When texting, do not rely on voice to text as a time saver. If you do, at best your numerous repeats will make it a longer process. At worst, your voice recognition program only understands Cambridge English and you are from New Jersey. (Good luck with that bit of technology, Bunky. BTW Homeland Security thinks you want to blow something up.)

6 When texting, do not include a duck-faced or tongue-out selfie with an obscene gesture thrown in. If you do, at best you’ll demonstrate your lack of originality and IQ. At worst, your selfie will be passed from phone to phone until it ends up with your boss. (That call from HR can’t be good huh, Bosco?)

5 When texting, do not send pictures of your food. If you do, at best folks will think you need a hobby. At worst, you will demonstrate a cry for help that needs intervention. (How is that good feelings camp treating you, Tex?)

4 When Texting, do not use the technology with wish someone a happy Valentine’s day as your only effort. If you do, at best you’ll never have a relationship with that person. At worst, the resultant storm will not be assuaged without some very expensive make-up gifts. (Seemed like an easy way out huh, Pard?)

3 When texting, do not use emojis to express what should be said in person or in words. If you do, at best you’ll be seen as an automaton. At worst, you will receive emojis back that have at the core a message telling you to place your phone in a very dark place. (You don’t know where those emojis came from do you, Buster?)

2 When texting, do not do it while in a social situation. If you do, at best you will look up and find yourself alone. At worst, the rest of the group will take your action as disinterest in the event or them and ignore you for the rest of the evening. (Let’s hope you even notice, Clod.)

1 When texting, do not drive a car or operate machinery. If you do, at best you’ll escape with no consequences. At worst, you’ll hurt someone with your negligence. (You’ll have to live with that the rest of your life, Dope.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Spa Vacation

~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

The inspiration for this list came from looking at possible spa vacations and then deciding to pass after reviewing all the material. I hope you enjoy the list and for those who love spa vacations, I am very envious since you obviously have a good feeling about yourself.

Ten Things Not to Do on a Spa Vacation.

10 On a spa vacation, do not sign up for anything you don’t understand. If you do, at best you will learn what you don’t like at a high cost. At worst, those funny words turn out to mean “tortured until you confess.” (Sad thing is you don’t know what to admit huh, Bunky?)

9 On a spa vacation, do not fall asleep in the sauna. If you do, at best you will wake up before dehydration sets in. At worst, your dreams of lost in the desert will, in fact, be reality and that oasis is a mirage. ( Being a conscript in the French Foreign Legion wasn’t on the itinerary was it, Buford?)

8 On a spa vacation, do not think the phrase “essential oils” really means not optional. If you do, at best you’ll experience a new meaning to the term, “greasy.” At worst, you cannot find a place to sit, lie, or stand where you don’t slide off and end up on the floor or ground. (So everyone thinks you are drunk huh, Bosco. You shouldn’t care until CNN shows up)

7 On a spa vacation, do not think the robes are gifts of the hotel. If you do, at best you’ll pay the $75.00 each charge without complaint. At worst, the head of security will be called over the loudspeaker to look through your bags at checkout since housekeeping reported the robes missing.(Right now Tiny the WWF champ is walking across the lobby, and the look on his face gives you the chills. You sense he has been looking forward to this all day don’t you, Buster? Can you say strip search?)

6 On a spa vacation, do not sign up for the mud baths if you are unsure of the source of the dirt. If you do, at best you will imagine all kinds of things in that mud with you. At worst, once you realize that Bayou Baths is a combination of river mud, crawfish droppings, and decayed vegetation you’ll never feel clean again regardless of the number of showers you take. (The brochure said “all natural” so what’s the complaint, Furd? Sure you got a little in your mouth, but you’ve had worse.”)

5 On a spa vacation, do not think massage words are the same as outside life words. If you do, at best you were careful in describing the service you were expecting. At worst, the light-hearted comments about deep massage will have you begging to be saved.(Let’s not even mention how you mumbled aloud something about the ending, Tex.)

4 On a spa vacation, do not try to influence the music choice of the staff. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worst, the esoteric music that you thought was annoying has now been replaced by heavy metal favorites played on a flute, harp, and oboe. (Makes the nails on the chalkboard analogy seem inadequate huh, Rube?)

3 On a spa vacation, do not ignore the hot stone warnings. If you do at best aloe vera will ease the pain. At worst, you will now be mistaken for an Olympic athlete who had undergone suction treatments. ( Of course, you could also be mistaken for an idiot who doesn’t pay attention to warnings, Stu. I Love that line of circles down your back.)

2 On a spa vacation, do not think a seaweed wrap is a luncheon menu item. If you do, at best your cries for rescue will be ignored. At worst, as you struggle to free yourself from the grip of the slimy seaweed you inadvertently roll into the hot tub. ( Now maybe the stuff will cook off huh, Buddy? Can you say Miso soup?)

1 On a spa vacation, do not think you can request your favorite food. If you do, at best you will get zucchini prepared like your favorite food. At worst, the staff will believe you need a “cleanse interdiction,” and you will spend the rest of your holiday fearing to be more than ten steps from a ceramic chair.(Man, that juice tasted so good going down didn’t it, Bubba? Do you think they put jalapeno peppers in there?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bicycle

~ John W. Howell ~ 37 Comments

 

Top Ten Things Not to do on a BikeThe inspiration for this list is my three days a week eight-mile ride on the single speed beach cruiser bike which is pictured above. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along and I thought I would share them with you. For those of you who have seen my bike before will recognize the fact that this is a newer version. It is all aluminum, so maybe it won’t rust and collapse under me like the last model. Hope you enjoy the list.

10 On a bike, do not think you are riding a motorcycle. If you do, at best the hand wave you make to the Hells Angles will be ignored. At worst, the leader of the pack, Tiny (WWF champion) will use you as an example of what happens when you mock the Hells Angles. (Don’t worry he will untie you and let you go at the next town or fifty miles whichever comes first, Ferd.)

9 On a bike, do not think you can take phone calls. If you do, at best the other end will hear two out of ten words. At worst, you might be distracted enough to miss your turn and end up with a thirty-mile ride. (You have always warned people about that turn, and now you are the poster child, huh Bunky?)

8 On a bike, do not think riding on a busy highway is the way to go. If you do, at best you’ll get used to the horn honks. At worst, that eighteen wheeler blast of air will knock some sense into you as you go airborne. (You were sure people couldn’t fly, weren’t you Tex?)

7 On a bike, do not insist on exercising your rights to the right of way. If you do, at best all others will concede. At worst, you’ll confront a passive aggressive psychopath who has just been told they need to be more assertive.( That crumpled aluminum mass can be sold for scrap, Buster. Just pick it up and walk the ten miles to the recycle center.)

6 On a bike, do not neglect proper clothing. If you do, at best the stares by those you pass can be ignored. At worst, the citation for indecent exposure will be seen as a mark down from public lewdness.( All because of that speedo, huh Ace?)

5 On a bike, do not forget that wet roads are slippery. If you do, at best a couple of  slides will be a reminder. At worst, that long hill ending at dead man’s curve seems to be a challenge right now in that you are going twenty miles an hour straight down. (Brakes are a liability in this situation aren’t they Buford?)

4 On a bike, do not forget insects will hit you at the speed you are going. If you do, at best a couple of moth hits is all you will experience. At worst, you’ll have the pleasure of being dismounted by the largest June bug on the planet. (This is not a joust, and there is no princess kiss at the end either, Duke.)

3 On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. If you do, at best you’ll get a warning to return to your lane. At worst, that lovely cottage and flower garden holding your attention is at the corner of the road and a drainage ditch. (mud and water are easy to get off you, What about the bike, Mike?)

2 On a bike, do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line. If you do, at best you will get home safely. At worst, your story line development will be interrupted by a quick ride to the ER. (Now with your leg in the air you have plenty of time to do the story line huh, Ernest?)

1 On a bike, do not think you can do tricks like you’ve seen on the trick bike championships. If you do, at best you’ll remember that all those champions are under twenty years old and stop yourself. At worst, you’ll get half way through a triple spin and realize that your arthritis is no longer your major bone problem. (Enjoy everyone visiting you in the hospital and asking, “What were you thinking John?”)

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the NFL Conference Championships

~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

Playoffs

 

The inspiration for this list is a jam-packed day of American football (Notice, Dale I called out the distinction.) yesterday. Green Bay Packers/Atlanta Falcons and Pittsburgh Steelers/New England Patriots made for a mighty fine day. Of course, I am writing this before the games start since I want to see every minute. I hope you enjoy the list in retrospect.

10 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not talk smack about your team’s opponent. If you do, at best yu team will move on to the Super Bowl. At worst, you may be served a big dish of cold crow by all who heard your talk.(You were sure your team would win huh Bunky. Now you have a year of crow eating.)

9 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not plan anything important on that Sunday. If you do, at best you’ll disappoint others. At worst, you will miss the game. (Just so happened your team lost by one point as the opponents went for the extra two points with two seconds to play. Way to let them down, Tex.)

8 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not think you can run to the store for basic food and beverage items. If you do, at best you’ll get there and back before the first game. At worst you’ll join one-hundred of your fellow fans at halftime in a frenzy, fighting over the last bag of Cheetos. (Don’t be afraid. Tiny the WWF champ is asking you nicely to let go of that six-pack. He only gets mad if you ignore his growl.)

7 During the NFL Conference Championships, don’t try to grill dinner without a TV close at hand. If you do, at best you’ll miss key plays watching that steak. At worst, you planned to time the steak for the halftime but find you now have something that resembles blackened cedar plank. (You totally forgot about the meat right, Buford?)

6 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not accept an invitation to a house where you have no idea of the media capabilities of the host. If you do, at best you will try to watch the game on inferior equipment. At worst, you host was not aware of the playoffs and besides, he and his family have taken a no TV pledge.(The only set is in the garage and is a black and white rabbit-eared portable.)

5 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not try to entertain your in-laws during the game. At best, you will have a difficult time handling both assignments. At worst, your in-laws will no longer be interested in the game and will ask if they can watch the movie Heidi instead. (Well, Ferd. You did try, and now you need to turn to Heidi on this TV and go to your room.)

4 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not answer your phone. At best it will be your talkative sister who doesn’t have a clue about football. At worst, it will be your boss who has no life and has decided to call a strategy meeting that should go on until midnight.(You could have said you were sorry on Monday, Pud.)

3 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not allow anyone in your house that you don’t know. If you do, at best you will be interrupted to play host to them. At worst, just your luck the couple from your spouse’s work want to share with you the idea that they think football is a metaphor for the male dominated society and they think it should be banned, (If you knew these people you could tell them to have a big cup of shut the f*#k up huh, Pilgrim?)

2 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not try anything funny or different with your TV. If you do, at best you will only trip the circuit breaker. At worst, you will mess up enough to take out the city grid. (The news says the power will be back on around midnight, Buster. You can watch the game on your iPad provided the battery holds. If not there is always the Today show recap.Way after Al Roker and the weather.)

1 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not overserve yourself even if things are not going well for your team. If you do, at best the end of the evening may come too early. At worst, getting carried away with the game ended with a toss of your remote aimed for the referee which passed through the big screen on its one thousand mile trip. (Up till then it was an exciting game huh, Dip?)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do the Day After Christmas

~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

Day After Christmas

 

10 On the day after Christmas, do venture out to return gifts. If you do, at best due to the lines you will get to return three in eight hours. At worse, you will encounter conditions much like warfare and require treatment for PGRTS. (Post Gift Return Traumatic Syndrome is nothing to take lightly Buford.)

9 On the day after Christmas, do not watch a bowl game. If you do, at best, it won’t keep you awake. At worst, the two teams will be so bad you will totally regret the time spent watching. (You never realized a schedule made up entirely six loss teams could be so boring did you Bunky. Bunky? You awake?)

8 On the day after Christmas, do not go out to dinner. If you do, at best you will avoid ptomaine poisoning. At worst, you will be eating in a place where all the full-time help have been given the day off, and the only thing on the menu is chipped beef on toast. (You didn’t know that tonight’s chef  typically works in prison did you, Roy?)

7 On the day after Christmas, do not decide to take in a movie. If you do, at best you’ll finally get into the midnight show. At worst, you will be jammed into a theater with 300 victims of swine flu. (Didn’t all that coughing give you a hint Wilbur?)

6 On the day after Christmas, do not fall for the Day After Christmas sale. If you do, at best you’ll find something cheaper than what you paid for Aunt Millie’s gift. At worst, you will find your hand on the same item as the WWF champ Tiny. (Tiny is growling. In one more second he will be doing his death match biting routine. I would let go now.)

5 On the day after Christmas, do not get on a ladder to fix that burned out light in the blinking string. If you do, at best you may cause the whole series to go out. At worst, you might do your Olympic swan dive with a degree of difficulty of 4.6 and get an EMS score of 10. (Why was it easier to put them up there? Oh yeah, you did them ten years ago when you were still under 65.)

4 On the day after Christmas, do not ask for a special menu that does not include leftovers. If you do, at best you might be wearing your dinner. At worst, you might have the time to be wondering why you never put heat in the dog house. ( Not much room after Bowser take his spot is there Ferd?)

3 On the day after Christmas, do not think you can avoid fixing all the high-quality toys that took the kids three minutes to break. If you do, at best the damage will increase. At worst, you may have to suffer from the din of dissatisfied kids. (You do know they do that on purpose don’t you Ralph?)

2 On the day after Christmas, do not bother everyone with that new video camera you received. If you do, at best you may be told to leave the house and go record birds or something. At worst, your camera will be confiscated and only eligible for return after New Year’s day. (Why on Earth did you get a gift that no one wants to enjoy with you? Maybe it was the one hundred hints that drove the decision.)

1 On the day after Christmas, do not try to make up for the lousy gifts you gave everyone. If you do, at best it will cost way more than you have. At worst, your efforts will not be appreciated and will serve as the basis for lessons to your children. (Next year start shopping before December 24th Oliver.)