This list was inspired by standing in line at Wal-Mart to return a screwdriver that broke. I know, why would I buy a screwdriver at Wal-Mart? Long story. Let’s just say it was an emergency purchase that did not go well. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to do in Customer Service.

10 If you are next at the customer service desk, do not fall asleep. If you do, at best you will get yelled at by the crowd. At worst, you will not hear the word “Next” and will be knocked off your feet by the person behind you. This could lead to a severe injury or worse falling on your returns which could be glass Christmas ornaments.

9 If you are at the customer service desk, have your receipt ready. If you don’t, at best you will take precious time to find it causing your line mates to want to kill you with their bare hands. At worst, the time it takes to find the receipt will be multiplied exponentially for the last person in line who might just pass away from old age.

8 If you are in line at customer service, do not sigh loudly when the person in front of you does not have a receipt. If you do, at best you may get some evil looks and bad words. At worst, the person at the customer service desk will take the exception to your sigh and you may have to defend your audacity with real knuckles,

7 If you are at the customer service desk and have lost your receipt, do not try to talk the clerk into a refund. If you do, at best you will waste yours and everyone else’s time. At worst, you might just be in the presence of a classical professor from the local college who will figure out how to have you towed by your feet around the city much like Achilles dragged Hector around Troy.

6 If you are in line at customer service, do not believe you will get to the desk quickly. If you do, at best you will cause your blood pressure to rise. At worst, you will initiate internal tension that could culminate in a rampage through the store certainly leading to your arrest if not mandatory treatment in the local state mental hospital.

5 If you are planning to go to customer service, do not drink that big gulp of cola before arriving. If you do, at best you will be mildly uncomfortable as the line creeps along. At worst, you will have a full-out emergency and will be unsuccessful having someone hold your place. You will lose your place in line and have to begin all over again.

4 If you are in the customer service line and feel faint, do not fall down and try to remain in place. If you do fall down, at best you will lose your place in line. At worst you will lie in the store unnoticed by store personnel until closing time. Of course, all the patrons who pass your comatose body will secretly be grateful to you for dropping out of line and making their wait shorter.

3 If you are at the end of the line at customer service, do not look to the front for the purpose of trying to figure out how long the wait will be. If you do, at best you will calculate the wait to be more time than you thought. At worst, when you divide the amount of transaction time by the number of available hours the result will be more hours than the store is open. This will cause a feeling of panic which has at its root the fact that you traveled fifteen miles out of your way getting here and do not have the time to wait.

2 If you finally get to the front of the line at customer service, do not try to explain anything to the clerk. If you do, at best you will waste time by missing the critical questions on whether the item is damaged and would you like the refund in cash or on the card? At worst, you will tell the clerk enough to give away the fact that the item was a gift and that the receipt is actually a forgery which was produced by your uncle while currently serving time in the federal penitentiary for making phony hundred-dollar bills. (it really is a good forgery though)

1 Once you have finished with the customer clerk, do not take the time with idle chit-chat. If you do, at best you will have the clerk yelling “I can help the next customer here,” over your attempt to be friendly. At worst, you might just cause a swell behind you of those wanting you to move which might lead to several of the older people being pushed down and are incapable of getting up because their Life Alert is out of batteries and they were in line for a rain check for the battery special which now looks impossible.

Since this is Monday you should expect a Top Ten list. This week will be the same as the others for the last year. YES, here is the Ten Things Not to Do list (although a little late today). This week’s was inspired by a New Year’s Eve party I attended (or maybe many). Not saying if I was a perpetrator of any of these things, but hope you enjoy them.

Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

10 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to set a personal record for consumption of alcohol. If you do, at best your evening will close early. At worst, New Year ’s Day will represent your personal purgatory just begging for relief.

9 On New Year’s Eve, do not set resolutions that you think would be great to accomplish if you were a superhero. If you do, at best you will not last a week on your new plan. At worst, you will consider your failure at resolutions to among one of the many failures for the year and could need to be talked down off the ledge next New Year’s Eve.

8 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your good will to mankind feeling left over from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone. If you do, at best most will try to ignore your advances. At worst, there will one person who will think you are the new lost love that they have been searching for their whole life and will continue to stalk you for months in spite of the restraining order.

7 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it.

6 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of Champaign. If you do, at best you will still draw the same looks you get for the rest of the year. At worst, you will begin to gather stray cats and dogs who are thinking you are calling them for dinner while singing Auld Lang Sine.

5 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your famous green monster punch will be enjoyed by everyone. If you insist everyone try it, at best your party may end early. At worst, you may be responsible for sending some guests over the edge due to  a strong allergy to green dye and Everclear and if not an allergy certainly a diminished immunity to strong drink. (hint green carpet spots never come up)

4 On New Year’s Eve do not try to surprise your significant other with a mystery destination that you promise will make the best New Year’s Eve ever. If you do, at best you may have selected a place that has some negative memories for your significant other. At worst, you may spend the entire evening lost in a strange neighborhood which will not be the best, but maybe the most memorable as the prime reason your significant other is no longer significant and not your other.

3 On New Year’s Eve, do not get all romantic if all year you act as if romance was as welcome as the measles.  If you do, at best you will look ridiculous to whomever you are with. At worst, you could cause a major upset to the person you are normally ambivalent about and could come off as someone who should be given a fine dose of pepper spray to get your attention.

2 On New Year’s Eve, do not think it a good idea to put that lampshade on your head. If you do, at best some will laugh not with you but at you. At worst, the shade is an antique given to the host by a grandmother just before her demise and now it is on the floor under your fanny after you slipped on a bottle and fell to the floor. Oh and the video on U Tube had gone viral.

1 On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to stay up past a reasonable hour for you to retire to see the New Year in. If you do, at best the next day’s activities will be less enjoyable. At worst, you will throw off your sleep cycle which will take you several days and cups of coffee to correct not to mention falling asleep at your mother in law’s New Year’s Day family gathering and pooling drool on the damask fabric of the couch which will be your mark forever more.

This week’s top ten list is inspired by the fact that we on the South Texas coast are in the process of the annual migration of the northerners which we call Winter Texans. We like to be nice to those who choose to winter over here, but it is difficult at times. Not all the temporary Texans are the kind of people you really want in the community but since it is almost impossible to weed out the undesirables we have to take the bad with the good. It is interesting that most of these people are retired and one would think they learned something in the sixty-five plus years on this Earth. Since you are not a Winter Texan I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do as a Winter Texan

10 If you are a Winter Texan, do not drive your fifth wheel and trailer at forty miles per hour in a sixty mile speed zone on the main two lane road. If you do, at best you may have to put up with the glares and tailgating of those trying to get around you. At worst, you could cause some hot head to take unnecessary risks trying to pass with possible tragic results.

9 If you are a winter Texan, do not fail to respond to a local greeting of “Good Morning.” If you do, at best the locals will take note of your state and never visit there. At worst, you will convince all locals who come into contact with you that Winter Texans are to be avoided and unfriendly.(We Texans put a lot of stock in a returned kindness and Good morning is the least of kindnesses)

8 If you are a Winter Texan on a fixed income, do not help yourself to the salt & pepper shakers  and sugar packets when you visit a restaurant. If you do, at best the next person will have to do without. At worst, you will convince the local restaurateur to keep all condiments behind the counter for on-demand use creating an environment of inconvenience for others.

7 If you are a Winter Texan, and want to fish, do not fail to get a license.  If you do, at best you will not contribute to the preservation of coastal fishing that fees provide. At worst, you could find yourself handcuffed over the hood of a Wildlife Ranger’s truck which will be the beginning of a very annoying process that could mean spending some portion of your golden years in jail.

6 If you are a winter Texan, do not go over the catch limits. If you do, at best you will contribute to declining numbers of certain species. At worst, you could end up like number seven.

5 If you are a Winter Texan, do not allow your dogs or yourself to use the beach as a private outhouse. If you do, at best you will be contributing to polluting the environment. At worst, you will be breaking the law and could find yourself fined for littering or arrested for indecent exposure. You would have to admit the sight of an unclothed senior citizen would indeed be indecent.

4 If you are a Winter Texan shopping the local stores, do not slip items into your farm overalls and then forget about them. If you do, at best you will contribute to higher retail prices to cover shrinkage. At worst, your pants may let go just as you pass the town constable and the unavoidable noise of products hitting the floor may be too much to ignore not to mention the view of those “greatest grandparent” boxers.

3 If you are a Winter Texan do not try to build the biggest bonfire on the beach. If you do, at best you will need to stay up all night to watch it. At worst, you neglect to stay up all night to watch it and sparks from your conflagration jump to the dunes and you are personally responsible for wiping out the west side of town.

2 If you are a Winter Texan, do not drive your dual wheel pickup near the waterline. If you do, at best you will contribute to the demise of delicate creatures who come in contact with your heavy tires. At worst, you may start an ecosystem chain reaction that could cause the abandonment of the area by those animals and birds that relied on the delicate creatures as a food source.

1 If you are a Winter Texan, do not leave anything behind. If you do, at best the locals will spend additional tax money cleaning your mess. At worst, your trash, old fishing line, beer cans, cigarette butts and six-pack carriers could end the life of a precious being that might be the final straw in the ecological balance. Then I will really be pissed and you don’t want that.

This list has been inspired by numerous friends staying overnight and sad to say doing one or more of the things on the list. Since this week is Thanksgiving I thought it would be a good idea on posting some tips on behavior in case a visit to friends is in the cards. (Oh, I know you would never do any of these)

Ten Things Not to Do While Staying Overnight with Friends

10 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not ask “what’s for dinner?” if you do, at best you will come off as pretty a demanding guest.  At worst, your host may send you out for fast food. (by yourself)

9 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not sneak late night snacks. If you do, at best you may scare your guests thinking there is an intruder in the house. At worst, you might be asked to come out of the house over a bullhorn held by a big person from the local SWAT team.

8 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not keep telling jokes in which you keep forgetting the punchline. If you do, at best your friends will take pity on you and try to change the subject. At worst, your friend will believe you are a prime candidate for an intervention much to the amusement of others in the house.

7 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not keep grabbing extra portions of food. If you do, at best your friends will wonder why you are not eating regularly at home. At worst, they will assume you have an eating disorder and will insist you see their couple’s counselor. (which raises a whole new problem)

6 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not assume your friends want to stay up with you to see the dawn. If you do, at best your friends will hope you pass out. At worst, the last few drinks made by your friend will be strong enough to ensure you pass out.

5 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not get sick in their bed. If you do, at best the stay will be very short. At worst, you may wake up in the backyard with a large dog named Bruno who thinks you are cute.

4 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not sleep until noon even if you normally do so at home. If you do, at best your friends will think you rude for missing the brunch they prepared. At worst, your friends will go about their day and leave you in the house to fend for yourself which will include warding off the affections of Bruno.

3 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not think it is okay to adjust the thermostat to suit your own comfort. If you do, at best you might not be invited back. At worst, your friends may surprise you with their deluxe suite which is in actuality the back seat of your own car.

2 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not take an in ordinarily long hot shower. If you do, at best you may encounter some hostile looks since your host community is under severe water restrictions. At worst, the hosts who are under a water restriction will be served with a cease service order which will mean no more water for them and a wanted dead or alive poster for you.

1 If you are staying overnight with friends, don’t forget to say thank you. If you do, at best you won’t be invited back. At worst, your friends will come and stay with you and do their best to eat, drink and create mayhem for revenge.

This list is inspired by the temperature here on the south Texas Coast. As I write this the temperature is thirty-seven degrees. Way too cold for an old fart and his dog.

Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold

10 If the weather turns cold, do not think turning on the heat is for wimps. If you do, at best you may find yourself refusing to get out of bed. At worst, you could see your pipes freeze and split like a bratwurst on a hot fire. A slit bratwurst is no big deal, the pipes a little more problematic.

9 If the weather turns cold, do not avoid getting out the heavy clothes. If you do, at best you will find yourself shivering when you go outside. At worst, you could be found stiff as a board sitting on a bench waiting for the rescue dog with the brandy. (Be sure to pen a goodbye note)

8 If the weather turns cold, do not think that black spot in the road is water. If you do, at best you will only skid a little as you hit it. At worst, you will get a free spinning ride like the one you paid good money for back in July when you visited Disney World. This time though the stop may be a little more sudden.

7 If the weather turns cold, do not think that white stuff falling from the sky will go away on its own. If you do, At best you could have a hard time moving when you go outside. At worst, the buildup will be such that you are no longer able to open the doors and will have to resort to eating leftovers out of the freezer which have been in there for an eon or two. (And nothing’s marked as to content or date)

6 If the weather turns cold, do not think the outdoor plans you made in July do not need to be modified. If you do, at best you might not have much fun playing badminton in twenty-five mile an hour winds and wind-chill of minus twenty. At worst, you will lose several family members to frostbite before you realize the shirts and skins basketball game was not such a good idea.

5 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can enjoy a coffee at your usual outdoor café. If you do, at best you will find yourself hugging the cup instead of drinking it. At worst, you will be the only one outside and will remain there until the street clearing crew uncovers your carcass in the spring.

4 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to commute to work on your bicycle. If you do, at best you will arrive at work unable to release your hands from the grips. At worst, you will not be able to thaw out until after the important meeting with new clients and their comment to your boss is to the effect that you seem stiff and cold.

3 If the weather turns cold, do not take your dog for a walk without some kind of wrap on the dog. If you do at best the dog won’t want to go and will surprise you later at home. At worst, your dog will not want to go and will decide you are the one who needs to be led by the leash or worse needs to be carried back home.

2 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to grill outside like it was August. If you do, At best you will be serving cold meals although not intended. At worst, you will be way too close to the grill to keep warm and chance spontaneous combustion which if happens will possibly ruin the meat as well.

1 If the weather turns cold, do not think this is a good time to finally put away the garden hoses that have been lying around the yard. If you do, at best you will have the equivalent of an octopus to manage given how stiff the hose has become. At worst, you will find that the hose is connected to the faucet and every effort to remove it leads to an expensive visit by a plumber and housing contractor not to mention the new skating rink that you used to call your backyard.

This list was inspired by a light that came on.

Ten Things Not to Do If Your Engine Light Comes On.

10 If your engine light comes on do not panic. If you do, at best you may make things worse by being rattled. At worst, you may pull off the road in a panicked state and keep rolling past the shoulder and into a culvert below.

9 If your engine light comes on, do not consult your owner’s manual until you come to a stop. If you do, at best you won’t find the section inconspicuously marked “Warning Indicator – Engine” and you’ll have to stop anyway. At worst, you will be concentrating on trying to use the index to find the subject matter and inadvertently run into the stopped care in front of you. In any case the index will be of no help.

8 If your engine light comes on, do not try to ignore it. If you do, at best you will be continually reminded that something is wrong. At worst, your engine light bulb will burn out and you will think the trouble has magically cleared up until you hear the rending screech of metal marking the final moments of the life of your engine.

7 If your engine light comes on, do not think this is a normal function of the car’s systems. If you do, at best you will only have a minor additional repair. At worst, you may be saying goodbye to your trusty car as you watch it disappear into the local u-pull-it parts depot.

6 If your engine light comes on, do not attempt to diagnose the problem yourself. If you do, at best you may end up at the mechanic since you couldn’t find the problem. At worst, you may have misdiagnosed the problem and be happily motoring along in a remote area as you see the light again followed by billowing clouds of smoke after passing the last gas station for one hundred miles sign, fifty miles ago.

5 If your engine light comes on, do not think it is a nice accompaniment to the soft romantic music on the radio. If you do, at best you may not be able to start your car someday. At worst, you could be seeing the beginning of the end of the soft music and your car.

4 If your engine light comes on, do not pretend it doesn’t bother you. If you do, at best you will have unsettled moments until you come to grips with the fact there is trouble. At worst, the light will trigger long suppressed anxieties which could cause a major episode requiring hours of psychological help which would make the repair bill on the car look cheap.

3 If your engine light comes on, do not think your car is irreparably damaged.  If you do, at best you will lose confidence in its reliability. At worst, you will take unreasonable steps to get rid of the car which could lead to significant loss of funds and peace of mind especially if you shove it off a cliff and are cited by the state police for littering.

2 If your engine light comes on, do not suggest to your spouse that you trade cars for a change. If you do, at best your spouse will have to deal with the problem. At worst, the problem is so acute your spouse breaks down on the freeway and a gang of carjackers come along, strip and burn your car. In addition, your spouse thinks the lawless lifestyle looks pretty romantic and joins their gang and now sports an “I Strip for a Living” tattoo on the back. (With big wings)

1 If your engine light comes on, do not drive the car to anyplace but the mechanic. If you, at best you may have a small repair bill which could get bigger. At worst, the problem will continue to get bigger until you are no longer in control of your car. You will become its bitch with all the negative attention related to the title.

This list was created to pay homage to all of you parents who in addition to trying to be an author have the duty to take care of the little ones in your care. I’ve been there and got the shirt.

Ten Things Not to Do While Watching the Kids on an Inclement Day

10 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to write on your novel. If you do, at best you will produce a small number of very disappointing words. At worst, you will face a task as difficult as trying to teach a pig to sing. You and the pig will end up being very frustrated.

9 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to watch anything on TV that isn’t kid programming. If you do, at best you won’t be able to see a thing. At worst, you will answer the door to see CPS agents with a warrant ready to take the kids because of the complaints your neighbors filed due to the non-stop screaming.

8 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not play games on your phone or notebook. If you do, at best the kids will want to play as well. At worst, your attention will be diverted for enough time for the kids to get into every drawer including that secret place where you hide adult toys. (And they will come to you and ask what these are for just when the church group leader stops by for a visit)

7 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to talk on the phone. If you do, at best you must be prepared to hold the kids the whole time. At worst, whoever you are talking to will wonder who is in charge in your home, why you are so mean to your lovable children and what was that crash?

6 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to make anything in the kitchen that doesn’t have the word lunch connected to it. If you do, at best you will have little helpers which will make the project twice as long. At worst, you will invest your time and energy into something that when served contains a stray toy that you swore was safely on the other counter. The person getting the toy contaminated serving will be one of your in laws

5 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to play their favorite game. If you do, at best they will refuse to play since they sense your desperation. At worst, they will pretend their favorite game is avoiding playing their favorite game thereby challenging you to stay away from the soothin’ syrup in the liquor cabinet.

4 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not call the neighbor for help. If you do, at best your neighbor is in as desperate a condition and two problems won’t help. At worst, you will have an IOU which you can never repay other than watching the neighbor’s kids at a time that is most critical for you to be able to work in peace.

3 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not think you can go to the store to kill time. If you do, at best it will take all your strength to keep an even temperament and to return all the items grabbed off the shelves. At worst, you and the kids will be asked to leave the story by the same manager who before today was more than happy to take thousands of dollars when you shopped alone.

2 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not be tempted to lock yourself in the bedroom. If you do at best, the kids will not miss you. At worst, the kids will use the time to act out their ultimate stories including the fire-breathing dragon and jousting tournament using things around the house for props. (You know, like the Crème Brule torch and a broom).

1 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day do not take them to the library. If you do, at best the peace of the library will be shattered since being quiet is an invitation to do otherwise. At worst, you will find the normally placid library patrons and personnel looking like a zombie herd as they slowly circle you and your family. The outcome doesn’t look like it’s going to be good.