Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do With a Hangover

~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

This list was inspired by years and years of attempting to burn my candle at both ends. This list could be much longer, but I had to make a cutoff somewhere. Also since this is the Monday after the Super Bowl maybe there is some advice you can use.  I hope you enjoy.

 

Ten Things Not to Do with a Hangover

10 If you have a hangover, do not attempt to cover the fact by talking too much. If you do, you will have erased any doubt as to your condition. At worst, your mouth will run off and leave your sodden brain back in the pain pit and the brain will only catch up when it detects the words “will you please shut up.” Much too late I might add.

9 If you have a hangover, do not try to step out of your normal passive role at the morning staff meeting. If you do, at best, you will scare everyone with your slurred and totally irrelevant comments. At worst, you might disagree with the boss and insist on your point which has the effect of  capitalizing on the death wish you have had ever since you bade farewell to the ceramic microphone at 3:00 AM this morning.

8 If you have a hangover, do not operate heavy machinery. If you do, at best you may find yourself in a position of greatly apologizing for denting a car or building. At worst, you will have several people lining up in HR asking how their flattened vehicles will be replaced and several executives asking you for the keys to the equipment and your lawyer’s name.

7 If you have a hangover, do not write any notes to anyone explaining your actions last night. If you do, at best you might feel better in confessing your sins. At worst, you will have given several people written confirmation as to why they need to avoid or punch you.

6 If you have a hangover. do not show up to teach your fifth-grade class. If you do, at best  you might make it to lunch without a complaint to the principle. At worst, you will be driven to the point where the EMS crew and police will attempt to talk you down from the roof of the school where unbeknownst to your conscious self you have been screaming  threats against the Congress and the President.

5 If you have a hangover, do not report to your airline pilot job. If you do, at best you might forget something minor but survive anyway. At worst, you will discover a little too late you forgot to check the fuel level and your attention is drawn to a bright blinking light on the control panel that has the words “Fuel Starvation” clearly embossed on it for your reading pleasure.

4 If you have a hangover, do not go ahead with that brain surgery you are supposed to conduct today. If you do, at best your attention will be on your own brain and will find it difficult to concentrate. At worst, you will think all is well right up to the point you close up the procedure only to discover you parts left over that you can’t explain. Unlike a bicycle kit, there are no extra parts in the brain.

3 If you have a hangover, do not go to the grocery store to do your shopping for the week. If you do, at best you will forget more items than you remember to buy. At worst, you will finally have had it with the cashier who asks you each week, “if you have found everything okay?” The fact that if you say no she will not do anything about it has you treading on the conveyor shouting for the rest of the shoppers to lay down their groceries to join the revolution. Incidentally, you don’t see the cautious community support officer in the corner calling 911.

2 If you have a hangover, do not take your car pool duty today. If you do, at best you will drop the kids and adjourn to the local bar for of some hair of the dog only leading to more trouble later. At worst, your driving will permanently imprint terror on the poor innocents in the car which they will suppress but go through life wondering why they never got a driver’s license.

1 If you have a hangover, do not think you will be as effective in your writing as you are normally. If you do, at best you might just produce a day’s work that would make great kindling for the evening fire. At worst, you may think you have a breakthrough on your writer’s block only to find you have included the words “Daddy’s Home” over two thousand times in your manuscript.

Ten Things Not to Do at a Super Bowl Celebration

~ John W. Howell ~ 28 Comments

It will be the Super Bowl this weekend and this list is inspired by watching the last Forty Eight Super Bowl celebrations both on-screen and in various rooms around the planet. Hope you enjoy.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Super Bowl Celebration

10 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not arrive wearing team clothing for a team not playing. If you do, at best everyone will think you are a sore loser or are drunk.  At worst, the crowd may come to the conclusion you’ve had a stroke or burst aneurysm and call for EMT support and you will end up watching the game on a fifteen inch screen beside your gurney next to the nurses station while waiting for an attending physician.

9 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, remember a lot of people like to watch the ads. If you forget and stand in front of the TV during commercial time, at best you will be called many names in the process of getting you to move. At worst, the largest guy in the room who has been wanting to demonstrate his downfield tackling expertise will use you as his dummy along with several of the extra wooden chairs beside you.

8 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not carry in your famous crab dip that absolutely needs to be kept at forty-two degrees or becomes a hazardous waste site. If you do, at best the temp will stay near the required and only one or two will be overcome. At worst, there will be no way to keep the dip cold enough and you will have singlehandedly wiped out a full production day on Monday for several of the attendees not to mention hurried trips to the ER for a prophylactic pump of the stomach

7 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebrations do not believe your host’s offer “to make yourself at home.”  If you do, at best you will be embarrassed when someone asks you to take your feet off the couch. At worst, you will be totally shocked to discover the room you decided to use for a bath is the overflow bathroom for the party and you will spend a good amount of time under water.

6 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not be tempted to look into any drawers or behind any closed doors. If you do, at best only the homeowner will notice the disturbed contents. At worst, the host being a techie nerd has installed cameras in each room which playback on the fifty inch screen that is beside the game screen to the amusement of everyone at the party. (Except the one you came with)

5 if you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not think since the drinks are free you should help yourself to the point of being over-served. If you do, at best you might make a complete ass out of yourself which others will find as typical of a low life. At worst, you will find yourself disoriented while actively looking for the bathroom which you imagined you have found in the large bureau in the corner  of a spare bedroom shortly before passing out on the carpet.

4 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not think your duty includes eating a portion of everything that is laid out on the buffet table. If you do, at best several people will believe you have lost your job or recently divorced.  At worst, your pile of food will be an indication that you are in need of an intervention which will be organized to take place at the conclusion of the game to the embarrassment of you and the person with which you attended the event.

3 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not be the first to suggest some kind of gambling scheme for the game. If you do, at best several guests will think you make a living that way. At worst, you will have a number of disputes around who really won and will be forced to double pay to several to keep the peace.

2 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not become overly obnoxious when your team is ahead. If you do, at best the lead will be short-lived. At worst, someone will take an exception to your attitude since they feel bad about their team being behind and as much as they have tried to remain under control as they learned in the psycho ward group therapy sessions they are just beginning to lose their grip on reality while holding your shirt.

1 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not even think of driving your car if you have been over served. If you do, there is no best or worst just the potential for disaster for your or an innocent bystander.

Ten Things Not to do When You Are Short of Time

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

 

 

Mondays creep up on me sometimes. I guess I should remember how quickly the weekend goes and not be surprised. Needing to do another Top Ten list got me thinking about time and being under the gun so to speak. I decided to use this situation as an inspiration for this week’s list.

Top Ten Things Not to do When you are short on time.

10 If you are short on time, do not stop to talk to sweet old Mrs. Beagly while she walks her dog. If you do, at best the latest tale will have you captive until you are late. At worst, Mrs. Beagly will sense you are trying to avoid a long chat and in doing so she will believe she has cause to stick those pins she has been soaking in bat guano in that doll that has a lock of your hair on its otherwise bald little head.

9 If you are short on time, do not begin mouth to mouth resuscitation on the neighbor who has fallen and can’t get up. If you do, at best you will hurry the process and the neighbor will be able to tell you don’t have your heart in it.. At worst, in spite of hurrying the process you have yet to get a sign of life and because you are late and not that it matters anyway you call time of death about three minutes too early.

8 If you are short of time do not begin surgery on a brain. If you do, a best you may forget something in your haste to finish. (You know, like reconnecting the pleasure center) At worst, you will totally run out of time and unfortunately, once you start there is no good way to pack everything up and  plan on finishing tomorrow so your foursome will just have to find another player or go with three.

7 If you are short of time, do not begin building that rocket to Mars. If you do, at best you might finish with a number of nuts and bolts left over and the answer for this phenomenon is not “they packed extras.” At worst, you may rush through the job and actually finish  only to see your beautiful rocket light up the night sky over Disneyland just in time for the Main Street Parade finale.

6 If you are short of time, do not take flying lessons. If you do, at best you will know only half of what you need when the propeller on your airplane decides to visit a local cornfield. At worst, you will have rushed through so many of the classes dealing with things like fuel starvation, magneto malfunction, preflight check, and navigation that on your cross-country flight you might be intercepted by two F18s flown by two very unhappy looking pilots who signal you to follow them.

5 If you are short of time, do not attempt to prepare an elaborate dinner for your boss and her husband. If you do, at best they might overlook the rare chicken and concentrate on the bone in potatoes. At worst you will give your boss a bad case of salmonella from undercooked food and although you  try to deny it everyone will assume you did it on purpose so you could have he spot.

4 If you are short of time, do not start a mechanical fix on the family car. If you do, at best you may not have time to put the car back together again in time for work tomorrow. At worst, you hurriedly fix the car and while commuting to work you take notice of the tire passing you on the right followed by a loud screech and sparks from the hub hitting the road. This is only the beginning since the tire went on and found its way into the front seat after passing through the windshield of the police car in the oncoming lane.

3 If you are short of time, do not offer to help with the kid’s homework. If you do, at best you will not finish and the child will get an incomplete the next day. At worst, you will do the best you can in the time allowed and will be more than mortified at the failing grade your child received, as well as, the note attached to the homework reminding parents children should do their own work with a PS that the teacher would like you to come in and discuss the issue.

2 If you are short of time, do not offer to help coach your child’s soccer team. If you do, at best the parents will forgive a couple of your absences. At worst, the parents will blame you for the losing season and the stigma will stick with you and your child until the child graduates from high school and for their own good enroll in a college in Spain.

1 If you are short of time, do not offer to watch someone else’s kids for just a moment. If you do, at best the other parent will only be a few minutes late and there will be no harm done. At worst, the other parent will arrive way past the time you were to be at your meeting for the bid parameters on a building. The explanation will range from a “to die for” sale at Niemen’s to “I just lost track of time.” The net result is you have been excluded from the bidding on the new project whose scope has changed from one building to a whole shopping center.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing an Amazon Review

~ John W. Howell ~ 37 Comments

 

 

This week’s list was inspired by reading some Amazon reviews recently. As writers, we always think of Amazon reviews in terms of books. There is a whole other world out there so this includes other categories as well as books. I hope you enjoy.

Ten Things Not to do When Writing an Amazon Review

10 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to use words no one understands. If you do, at best your review will remain unread and a waste of your time. At worst, you will garner a number of WTF comments and will be notorious for your high-handed use of the language.

9 When writing an Amazon review, do not review a product or book you haven’t tried or read. If you do, at best your review will look like the others you copied and will be ignored. At worse, you might analyze what it is inside of you that compels you to seek to be noticed through such a weak platform as Amazon reviews.

8 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to win the word count championship for your review. If you do, at best the length will cause readers to fall asleep. At worst, you will become that reviewer who everyone scrolls through to get to the next pithy statement and will be so noted in the comments section

7 When writing an Amazon review do not think you can attack the quality of the product without cause. If you do, at best those who disagree, will make their thoughts known and those thoughts will follow you everywhere. At worst, you may touch a nerve of a very dedicated fan base who will be committed to eliminating your ability to post other egregious reviews through official and unofficial means. ( you do not want to know the unofficial)

6 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you have to describe every detail of the technical function of the product. If you do, at best you will convince everyone they do not have the skill to operate the product. At worst, you will label yourself as a technical geek who should only be listened to when it comes time to buy a rocket to Mars.

5 When writing an Amazon review, do not include instructions on how to remedy a problem with the product. If you do, at best the reader will avoid the product like the plague. At worst, you will have other purchasers begging you to help them with problems  they are having and will assume you are part of the company’s customer service department. Things will get ugly fast if you don’t help them.

4 When writing an Amazon review, do not use the words or expressions: #BOOM, hubris, über, fantastic, amazing, surreal, surprising, or like. If you do, at best you will join the rest of the world in the lack of originality. At worst, you will be using words that do not describe anything and will lose all credibility as someone who should be taken as a serious opinion leader.

3 When writing an Amazon review, do not pick any sex toys as the target of your insights. If you do, at best there is no way to write a review which will mean the same to another user. At worst, you might find yourself into an area where you will have to expose all your weirdness to the buying public and be surprised when a copy of your review is sitting on the counter in the break room.

2 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you must save the world from having a bad experience. If you do, at best your negative review will be the exception and your review credibility will be gone. At worst, you will demonstrate a vindictive personality which will be used as a benchmark on how effective readers believe your reviews are in the future. Your bad experience might be a singular event which will be evident when the judge finds for the plaintiff in your lawsuit.

1 When writing an Amazon review, do not think your review will not be read by anyone so you need not take care in its construction. If you do, at best all the typos and inaccurate statements will make you appear the fool. At worst, this review may show up in social media as one that by its very sloppiness needs to be mocked to the fullest. Thinking you are anonymous won’t help when a copy of the review is circulated in the company e-mail with the headline, “Look What our Crack PR Department Does in its Spare Time.”

Ten Things Not to do In Customer Service Lines

~ John W. Howell ~ 33 Comments

 

 

This list was inspired by standing in line at Wal-Mart to return a screwdriver that broke. I know, why would I buy a screwdriver at Wal-Mart? Long story. Let’s just say it was an emergency purchase that did not go well. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to do in Customer Service.

10 If you are next at the customer service desk, do not fall asleep. If you do, at best you will get yelled at by the crowd. At worst, you will not hear the word “Next” and will be knocked off your feet by the person behind you. This could lead to a severe injury or worse falling on your returns which could be glass Christmas ornaments.

9 If you are at the customer service desk, have your receipt ready. If you don’t, at best you will take precious time to find it causing your line mates to want to kill you with their bare hands. At worst, the time it takes to find the receipt will be multiplied exponentially for the last person in line who might just pass away from old age.

8 If you are in line at customer service, do not sigh loudly when the person in front of you does not have a receipt. If you do, at best you may get some evil looks and bad words. At worst, the person at the customer service desk will take the exception to your sigh and you may have to defend your audacity with real knuckles,

7 If you are at the customer service desk and have lost your receipt, do not try to talk the clerk into a refund. If you do, at best you will waste yours and everyone else’s time. At worst, you might just be in the presence of a classical professor from the local college who will figure out how to have you towed by your feet around the city much like Achilles dragged Hector around Troy.

6 If you are in line at customer service, do not believe you will get to the desk quickly. If you do, at best you will cause your blood pressure to rise. At worst, you will initiate internal tension that could culminate in a rampage through the store certainly leading to your arrest if not mandatory treatment in the local state mental hospital.

5 If you are planning to go to customer service, do not drink that big gulp of cola before arriving. If you do, at best you will be mildly uncomfortable as the line creeps along. At worst, you will have a full-out emergency and will be unsuccessful having someone hold your place. You will lose your place in line and have to begin all over again.

4 If you are in the customer service line and feel faint, do not fall down and try to remain in place. If you do fall down, at best you will lose your place in line. At worst you will lie in the store unnoticed by store personnel until closing time. Of course, all the patrons who pass your comatose body will secretly be grateful to you for dropping out of line and making their wait shorter.

3 If you are at the end of the line at customer service, do not look to the front for the purpose of trying to figure out how long the wait will be. If you do, at best you will calculate the wait to be more time than you thought. At worst, when you divide the amount of transaction time by the number of available hours the result will be more hours than the store is open. This will cause a feeling of panic which has at its root the fact that you traveled fifteen miles out of your way getting here and do not have the time to wait.

2 If you finally get to the front of the line at customer service, do not try to explain anything to the clerk. If you do, at best you will waste time by missing the critical questions on whether the item is damaged and would you like the refund in cash or on the card? At worst, you will tell the clerk enough to give away the fact that the item was a gift and that the receipt is actually a forgery which was produced by your uncle while currently serving time in the federal penitentiary for making phony hundred-dollar bills. (it really is a good forgery though)

1 Once you have finished with the customer clerk, do not take the time with idle chit-chat. If you do, at best you will have the clerk yelling “I can help the next customer here,” over your attempt to be friendly. At worst, you might just cause a swell behind you of those wanting you to move which might lead to several of the older people being pushed down and are incapable of getting up because their Life Alert is out of batteries and they were in line for a rain check for the battery special which now looks impossible.

Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

a new years resolution

 

Since this is Monday you should expect a Top Ten list. This week will be the same as the others for the last year. YES, here is the Ten Things Not to Do list (although a little late today). This week’s was inspired by a New Year’s Eve party I attended (or maybe many). Not saying if I was a perpetrator of any of these things, but hope you enjoy them.

Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

10 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to set a personal record for consumption of alcohol. If you do, at best your evening will close early. At worst, New Year ’s Day will represent your personal purgatory just begging for relief.

9 On New Year’s Eve, do not set resolutions that you think would be great to accomplish if you were a superhero. If you do, at best you will not last a week on your new plan. At worst, you will consider your failure at resolutions to among one of the many failures for the year and could need to be talked down off the ledge next New Year’s Eve.

8 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your good will to mankind feeling left over from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone. If you do, at best most will try to ignore your advances. At worst, there will one person who will think you are the new lost love that they have been searching for their whole life and will continue to stalk you for months in spite of the restraining order.

7 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it.

6 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of Champaign. If you do, at best you will still draw the same looks you get for the rest of the year. At worst, you will begin to gather stray cats and dogs who are thinking you are calling them for dinner while singing Auld Lang Sine.

5 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your famous green monster punch will be enjoyed by everyone. If you insist everyone try it, at best your party may end early. At worst, you may be responsible for sending some guests over the edge due to  a strong allergy to green dye and Everclear and if not an allergy certainly a diminished immunity to strong drink. (hint green carpet spots never come up)

4 On New Year’s Eve do not try to surprise your significant other with a mystery destination that you promise will make the best New Year’s Eve ever. If you do, at best you may have selected a place that has some negative memories for your significant other. At worst, you may spend the entire evening lost in a strange neighborhood which will not be the best, but maybe the most memorable as the prime reason your significant other is no longer significant and not your other.

3 On New Year’s Eve, do not get all romantic if all year you act as if romance was as welcome as the measles.  If you do, at best you will look ridiculous to whomever you are with. At worst, you could cause a major upset to the person you are normally ambivalent about and could come off as someone who should be given a fine dose of pepper spray to get your attention.

2 On New Year’s Eve, do not think it a good idea to put that lampshade on your head. If you do, at best some will laugh not with you but at you. At worst, the shade is an antique given to the host by a grandmother just before her demise and now it is on the floor under your fanny after you slipped on a bottle and fell to the floor. Oh and the video on U Tube had gone viral.

1 On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to stay up past a reasonable hour for you to retire to see the New Year in. If you do, at best the next day’s activities will be less enjoyable. At worst, you will throw off your sleep cycle which will take you several days and cups of coffee to correct not to mention falling asleep at your mother in law’s New Year’s Day family gathering and pooling drool on the damask fabric of the couch which will be your mark forever more.

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the Holidays

~ John W. Howell ~ 33 Comments

 

This list is inspired by the holiday season and is as a result of watching the behavior of folks as we get nearer to the final day. As with all my lists there is not much redeeming value here but are designed to (maybe) get a smile. Also, some of these items may seem to be contrary to the spirit of the season but I can assure you they are.

Ten Things Not to do During the Holiday Season.

10 During the holidays, do not invite strangers to your home even if the spirit moves you. If you do, at best you may have an awkward moment or two. At worst, you might just wonder what happened to the house full of furniture which was there when you went off to church.

9 During the holidays do not accidentally drop more money than you intended into the Salvation Army kettle. If you do, at best you will have given to a worthy cause. At worst, you will have to explain to the family about the lack of presents due to your generosity somewhere else. (Yeah, they will understand.)

8 During the holidays, do not think you have to buy everyone you know a gift. If you do, at best you will certainly earn the cheerful giver award. At worst, you may create an identity crisis with those who did not buy a gift for you causing then to rush out and get you something or even worse re-gift the gift you gave them last year.

7 During the holidays always remind yourself that self-medication is not a wise thing during times of stress.  If you don’t, at best you will get off easy with a nip of egg nog. At worst, you will find yourself saying some of the dumbest things to those you barely know and what you think are the smartest things to those who no longer call you friend.

6 During the holidays, do not put off your shopping in an effort to ‘get into the season.” If you do, At best you may have to pay more for items that are in short supply. At worst, all the gifts you were going to buy are no longer in stock and so you will have to make last-minute substitutions which will at best be second-rate and not at all what anyone can remotely appreciate.

5 During the holidays do not touch anything outside your home. If you do, at best you will come down with a cold from a germ left on that innocent door handle. At worst, you will be quarantined by the CDC due to the fact that whatever you picked up is not currently identified and is assumed to be as a result of a terrorist attack. The upside here is the CDC has a lovely assortment of Christmas carol CD’s which they are happy to play over and over again.

4 During the holidays, do not think you can pick up that holiday turkey on your way home Christmas eve. If you do, at best only the twenty-five pounders will be available. At worst, the only thing left in the meat department is a package of Hog Maw left over either from Thanksgiving or the butcher’s hunting trip.

3 During the holidays do not think you need to have an old-fashioned Christmas by subjecting your neighbors to your family’s off key carols. If you do, at best you will get polite smiles and no hot chocolate At worst, you and the family will need to run for your lives .as the neighbor yells “don’t worry Bruno already ate.”

2 During the holidays, do not try to attend every event of which you are aware. If you do, at best you will be sleep deprived and will have lost the spirit of the season. At worst, you will need to consume copious amounts of caffeine which will lead to an unnerving appearance which might cause holiday revelers to actually believe the story of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” Or even worse think the Christmas tale of the Zombie is real.

1 During the holidays, do not despair over small things that you forgot. If you do, at best matters will seem worse as a result. At worst, your family will certainly be forced to look forward to the coming of spring when the state promises to review your case again.

Top Ten Things Not to Do as a Winter Texan

~ John W. Howell ~ 26 Comments

 

 

This week’s top ten list is inspired by the fact that we on the South Texas coast are in the process of the annual migration of the northerners which we call Winter Texans. We like to be nice to those who choose to winter over here, but it is difficult at times. Not all the temporary Texans are the kind of people you really want in the community but since it is almost impossible to weed out the undesirables we have to take the bad with the good. It is interesting that most of these people are retired and one would think they learned something in the sixty-five plus years on this Earth. Since you are not a Winter Texan I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do as a Winter Texan

10 If you are a Winter Texan, do not drive your fifth wheel and trailer at forty miles per hour in a sixty mile speed zone on the main two lane road. If you do, at best you may have to put up with the glares and tailgating of those trying to get around you. At worst, you could cause some hot head to take unnecessary risks trying to pass with possible tragic results.

9 If you are a winter Texan, do not fail to respond to a local greeting of “Good Morning.” If you do, at best the locals will take note of your state and never visit there. At worst, you will convince all locals who come into contact with you that Winter Texans are to be avoided and unfriendly.(We Texans put a lot of stock in a returned kindness and Good morning is the least of kindnesses)

8 If you are a Winter Texan on a fixed income, do not help yourself to the salt & pepper shakers  and sugar packets when you visit a restaurant. If you do, at best the next person will have to do without. At worst, you will convince the local restaurateur to keep all condiments behind the counter for on-demand use creating an environment of inconvenience for others.

7 If you are a Winter Texan, and want to fish, do not fail to get a license.  If you do, at best you will not contribute to the preservation of coastal fishing that fees provide. At worst, you could find yourself handcuffed over the hood of a Wildlife Ranger’s truck which will be the beginning of a very annoying process that could mean spending some portion of your golden years in jail.

6 If you are a winter Texan, do not go over the catch limits. If you do, at best you will contribute to declining numbers of certain species. At worst, you could end up like number seven.

5 If you are a Winter Texan, do not allow your dogs or yourself to use the beach as a private outhouse. If you do, at best you will be contributing to polluting the environment. At worst, you will be breaking the law and could find yourself fined for littering or arrested for indecent exposure. You would have to admit the sight of an unclothed senior citizen would indeed be indecent.

4 If you are a Winter Texan shopping the local stores, do not slip items into your farm overalls and then forget about them. If you do, at best you will contribute to higher retail prices to cover shrinkage. At worst, your pants may let go just as you pass the town constable and the unavoidable noise of products hitting the floor may be too much to ignore not to mention the view of those “greatest grandparent” boxers.

3 If you are a Winter Texan do not try to build the biggest bonfire on the beach. If you do, at best you will need to stay up all night to watch it. At worst, you neglect to stay up all night to watch it and sparks from your conflagration jump to the dunes and you are personally responsible for wiping out the west side of town.

2 If you are a Winter Texan, do not drive your dual wheel pickup near the waterline. If you do, at best you will contribute to the demise of delicate creatures who come in contact with your heavy tires. At worst, you may start an ecosystem chain reaction that could cause the abandonment of the area by those animals and birds that relied on the delicate creatures as a food source.

1 If you are a Winter Texan, do not leave anything behind. If you do, at best the locals will spend additional tax money cleaning your mess. At worst, your trash, old fishing line, beer cans, cigarette butts and six-pack carriers could end the life of a precious being that might be the final straw in the ecological balance. Then I will really be pissed and you don’t want that.

Ten Things Not to do When Visiting a Foreign Country

~ John W. Howell ~ 30 Comments

 

 

 

 

This list was inspired by watching some tourists on both sides of the Atlantic and Pacific. This advice applies if you are a visitor here or are visiting over there. I hope you enjoy

Ten Things Not to Do When Visiting a Foreign Country

10 If you are visiting a foreign country, do not assume everyone who does not understand what you are saying is stupid. If you do, At best you will get no help. At worst, you will find people going out of their way to make sure your visit is a nightmare.

9 If you are visiting a foreign country, do not continue to believe you will find the same food you have at home. If you do, at best you will deny yourself a learning experience. At worst, you will get very hungry and tired of eating the snacks you brought with you.

8 If you are visiting a foreign country, do not openly compare the rooms and sights with those you have at home. If you do, at best foreigners will think you ignorant. At worst, you will not appreciate what you are seeing and could cause an international incident.

7 If you are visiting a foreign country, do not take pictures of anyone without their permission. If you do, at best you will have nothing but frowning people in your pictures. At worst, that little hand gesture flashed by the last reluctant model just maybe a curse upon your house for ten thousand years

6 If you are visiting a foreign country do not pick up souvenir rocks from sacred sites. If you do, at best you will be asked to give them back. At worst, you will carry the rocks home only to find a little Friday the Thirteenth effect since they have an ancient spell cast by a prehistoric resident wanting to ward off hairless apes from attacking the garden.

5 If you are visiting a foreign country, do not to dress as if you were paid by several manufacturers to be a walking billboard. If you do, at best the only thing you will broadcast is a low IQ (whether deserved or not). At worst, the messages on your clothes might be mistaken for a political or sexist statement which you may find difficult to explain to the magistrate

4 If you are visiting a foreign country, do not wrinkle your nose to each strange smell. If you do, at best the country residents will believe you find their country offensive. At worst, you may run across a disgruntled resident who will be willing to explain how disgusting it was to visit your country and offer to settle the situation with a duel.

3 If you are visiting a foreign country, do not assume the rules in your country are the same rules in the country you are visiting, If you do, At best you will be only a little wrong when the authorities  point out your mistake. At worst, you may be a lot wrong as the authorities prepare you for the punishment phase of your trial for what you thought was a small infraction.

2 If you are visiting a foreign country, do not make everyone aware of where you came from by your stereotypical behavior. If you do, at best you will be mocked behind your back. At worst, you will fortify the belief that everyone from your country behaves the same as the stereotype and will not be able to shed that image nor the resulting scorn.

1 If you are visiting a foreign country do not make a mess of the places you visit. If you do, at best people will ask you nicely to leave. At worst, the authorities may ask you nicely to clean up after yourself prior to being a guest in one of their fine, historically chic, damp and moldy holding tanks prior to deportation.

Ten Things Not to Do While Staying Overnight with Friends

~ John W. Howell ~ 28 Comments

 

This list has been inspired by numerous friends staying overnight and sad to say doing one or more of the things on the list. Since this week is Thanksgiving I thought it would be a good idea on posting some tips on behavior in case a visit to friends is in the cards. (Oh, I know you would never do any of these)

Ten Things Not to Do While Staying Overnight with Friends

10 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not ask “what’s for dinner?” if you do, at best you will come off as pretty a demanding guest.  At worst, your host may send you out for fast food. (by yourself)

9 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not sneak late night snacks. If you do, at best you may scare your guests thinking there is an intruder in the house. At worst, you might be asked to come out of the house over a bullhorn held by a big person from the local SWAT team.

8 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not keep telling jokes in which you keep forgetting the punchline. If you do, at best your friends will take pity on you and try to change the subject. At worst, your friend will believe you are a prime candidate for an intervention much to the amusement of others in the house.

7 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not keep grabbing extra portions of food. If you do, at best your friends will wonder why you are not eating regularly at home. At worst, they will assume you have an eating disorder and will insist you see their couple’s counselor. (which raises a whole new problem)

6 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not assume your friends want to stay up with you to see the dawn. If you do, at best your friends will hope you pass out. At worst, the last few drinks made by your friend will be strong enough to ensure you pass out.

5 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not get sick in their bed. If you do, at best the stay will be very short. At worst, you may wake up in the backyard with a large dog named Bruno who thinks you are cute.

4 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not sleep until noon even if you normally do so at home. If you do, at best your friends will think you rude for missing the brunch they prepared. At worst, your friends will go about their day and leave you in the house to fend for yourself which will include warding off the affections of Bruno.

3 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not think it is okay to adjust the thermostat to suit your own comfort. If you do, at best you might not be invited back. At worst, your friends may surprise you with their deluxe suite which is in actuality the back seat of your own car.

2 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not take an in ordinarily long hot shower. If you do, at best you may encounter some hostile looks since your host community is under severe water restrictions. At worst, the hosts who are under a water restriction will be served with a cease service order which will mean no more water for them and a wanted dead or alive poster for you.

1 If you are staying overnight with friends, don’t forget to say thank you. If you do, at best you won’t be invited back. At worst, your friends will come and stay with you and do their best to eat, drink and create mayhem for revenge.