This list is inspired by the temperature here on the south Texas Coast. As I write this the temperature is thirty-seven degrees. Way too cold for an old fart and his dog.
Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold
10 If the weather turns cold, do not think turning on the heat is for wimps. If you do, at best you may find yourself refusing to get out of bed. At worst, you could see your pipes freeze and split like a bratwurst on a hot fire. A slit bratwurst is no big deal, the pipes a little more problematic.
9 If the weather turns cold, do not avoid getting out the heavy clothes. If you do, at best you will find yourself shivering when you go outside. At worst, you could be found stiff as a board sitting on a bench waiting for the rescue dog with the brandy. (Be sure to pen a goodbye note)
8 If the weather turns cold, do not think that black spot in the road is water. If you do, at best you will only skid a little as you hit it. At worst, you will get a free spinning ride like the one you paid good money for back in July when you visited Disney World. This time though the stop may be a little more sudden.
7 If the weather turns cold, do not think that white stuff falling from the sky will go away on its own. If you do, At best you could have a hard time moving when you go outside. At worst, the buildup will be such that you are no longer able to open the doors and will have to resort to eating leftovers out of the freezer which have been in there for an eon or two. (And nothing’s marked as to content or date)
6 If the weather turns cold, do not think the outdoor plans you made in July do not need to be modified. If you do, at best you might not have much fun playing badminton in twenty-five mile an hour winds and wind-chill of minus twenty. At worst, you will lose several family members to frostbite before you realize the shirts and skins basketball game was not such a good idea.
5 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can enjoy a coffee at your usual outdoor café. If you do, at best you will find yourself hugging the cup instead of drinking it. At worst, you will be the only one outside and will remain there until the street clearing crew uncovers your carcass in the spring.
4 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to commute to work on your bicycle. If you do, at best you will arrive at work unable to release your hands from the grips. At worst, you will not be able to thaw out until after the important meeting with new clients and their comment to your boss is to the effect that you seem stiff and cold.
3 If the weather turns cold, do not take your dog for a walk without some kind of wrap on the dog. If you do at best the dog won’t want to go and will surprise you later at home. At worst, your dog will not want to go and will decide you are the one who needs to be led by the leash or worse needs to be carried back home.
2 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to grill outside like it was August. If you do, At best you will be serving cold meals although not intended. At worst, you will be way too close to the grill to keep warm and chance spontaneous combustion which if happens will possibly ruin the meat as well.
1 If the weather turns cold, do not think this is a good time to finally put away the garden hoses that have been lying around the yard. If you do, at best you will have the equivalent of an octopus to manage given how stiff the hose has become. At worst, you will find that the hose is connected to the faucet and every effort to remove it leads to an expensive visit by a plumber and housing contractor not to mention the new skating rink that you used to call your backyard.
