Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Boss is Traveling or on Vacation

~ John W. Howell ~ 33 Comments

 

This list was inspired by observing the behaviors of my co-workers when the boss had to leave the office for business travel or vacation. To be clear, I personally never did any of these things since I was always taking notes and was a goodie two shoes. (Don’t forget I’m a fiction writer). Hope you like.

Ten Things Not to Do When Your Boss is Traveling or on Vacation

10 If the boss is out of the office, do not think your workload has been reduced for the length of time the boss is gone. If you do, at best you will get away with the slowdown. At worst, you will be asked by the boss for a status of your projects first thing in the morning of the boss’ return.

9 If the boss is out of the office, do not think you will make brownie points with your boss’ boss. If you do, at best your boss’ boss with think you an opportunist. At worst, the boss’ boss just might give you a ton of extra projects to complete before your boss gets back.

8 If the boss is out of the office, do not think it is your job to be the new boss. If you do, at best your co-workers will ignore you. At worst, your co-workers will actually come to you for decisions on projects that the boss has refused to consider. Your reward will be fully realized when the boss gets back.

7 If the boss is out of the office do not think the dress code is suspended. If you do, at best you’ll be ratted out to the boss by the weenie in the cube next to you. At worst, the boss will come back early and call you into a meeting with the big boss Lederhosen and all.

6 If the boss is out of the office do not think you are due three-hour lunches. If you do, at best you will make your co-workers upset. At worst your boss asked HR to keep an eye on the department and make note of the hours kept by all and you have a number of hours to make up.

5 If your boss is out of the office do not think you can organize an in office football game with the boss’ office on one end and the VP’s office on the other as the goal posts. If you do, at best the team that loses will rat you out to the boss. At worst, although it was supposed to be two-handed touch, Bruno from sales decided to repeat his performance as an All-American tackle. As a result of the hospitalizations, HR and security have been looking for you for days.

4 If your boss is out of the office, do not think you can requisition all the supplies your boss has denied. If you do, at best the supplies will be delivered to your boss’ office for dispersion. At worst, your boss will return to find the budget for supplies has been severally compromised and instead of asking what happened, contacts the internal department of investigation with a fraud investigation request.

3 If your boss is out of the office, do not think you have a carte blanche on business entertainment. If you do, at best you will be asked to reimburse the company for unauthorized expenses. At worst, your co- workers all join you for the meal and thinking you can submit it as a team expense only to find out you will still need to reimburse the company for an unauthorized expense. You also find none of your co-workers knows who you are nor remember any meal.

2 If your boss is out of the office, do not think of bending the alcohol rules for the monthly birthday celebration. If you do, At best the same weenie will rat you out to the boss. At worst, you will have sponsored the best birthday party ever experienced by the team, but unfortunately the party was finally broken up by a city SWAT team after HR and security gave up trying to restore order. Subsequently every attendee claimed to have been drugged without their knowledge and your fingerprints are all over the punch bowl.

1 If your boss is out of the office, do not think you are able to take all the days off. If you do, at best you will not be discovered missing until someone needs a stapler which you have the only one in the office. At worst, you will not be missed until your boss returns early to deal with a problem with one of your accounts due to the fact that the client called the president of the company since they could not reach you. Good luck in the new job hunt.

Ten Things Not to Do at a Corporate Team Building Event

~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

 

This list was inspired by attending over 300 team building events in my corporate career. I hope you like it and find the advice useful for your next team building event. If you are in charge of team building events, I am begging you to stop holding team building events.

Ten Things Not to Do at a Corporate Team Building Event

10 If your company is having a team building event, do not think your team relationships will last. If you do, at best you will be seen as weak and someone to avoid. At worst, the next promotion will go to your new friend who explained to the boss how needy you are.

9 If your company has a team building event, do not fall for the old trust building exercise. If you do, at best your trust will not be reciprocated. At worst, you will place your trust in someone who in the end wants to see you dead.

8 If your company has a team building event, do not get paired with the boss. If you do, at best you will get low grades for being too subservient. At worst, your boss will think you are not made of the stuff originally thought and will introduce you to the meaning of the phrase persona non grata.

7 If your company has a team building event, do not believe the idea is to have fun. If you do, at best you will be the only one. At worst, the note taker will immediately label you as someone who does not take work seriously.

6 If your company has a team building event, do not believe the wearing apparel instructions. If you do, at best you and the company psychologist will be the only ones dressed in jeans and sweatshirt. At worst, the biggest boss on the planet will drop by the exercise to see how it is going and will enquire of your boss, “who’s the other psychologist?”

5 If your company has a team building event, do not try to be the best player in the skill competition. If you are, at best your boss will believe you have too much time on your hands. At worst, your boss will appoint you as team leader for the next team building event.

4 If your company has a team building event, do not think the free food and drinks are on an all you can eat buffet. If you do, at best you will be seen as someone who is obviously lacking self-control. At worst, your boss will wonder if you always take advantage of the company expense account and inform finance to conduct an audit of your expenses.

3 If your company has a team building event, do not think the truth hour is for telling the truth. If you do, at best you and the company psychologist will become simpatico. At worst, your boss will be counting the moments until you and they will be alone so that the longer term franchise you were counting on can be terminated.

2 If your company has a team building event, do not try to bring any new ideas during creative hour. If you do, at best your peers will poke enough holes in your idea to kill it. At worst, thinking outside the box will only convince your boss that perhaps your belongings should be in a similar container and both of you escorted out by security.

1 If your company has a team building event do not sing along when the psychologist puts the Queen CD in the player and “We Are the Champions”starts playing. If you do, at best your co-workers will think you are a throwback to the 80s. At worst, your boss loves “We Are the Champions” and your off note singing is making the neck hair stand up which will be a reminder to ask HR to have you transferred to Guam before the next team building event.

Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

~ John W. Howell ~ 32 Comments

This list was inspired by having the opportunity to be around some of my peers over the last couple of weeks. Also, Kevin Brennan author of Occasional Soulmates had a great post last Saturday about his 79-year-old mother. You can read that one HERE

10 If you are over seventy, make sure the foreign object you think is in your food is really there. If you don’t, at best the store manager will give you your money back but will give you that “old person” roll of the eyes. At worst, the object turns out to be your glasses that fell off while you were looking closely to find out what it was. This will be discovered by the customer service person surrounded by twenty other shoppers.

9 If you are over seventy, do not think you can ride a bicycle at top speed, wipe out and bounce like you did when you were fifty. If you do, at best you will have a nice reminder as you soak in a hot bathtub and eat aspirin like M&Ms. At worst, you will be among the lucky few spending a number of hours in the ER surrounded by one hundred really sick and injured people who all got there ahead of you.

8 If you are over seventy, do not try to leave the house without your glasses. If you do, at best you won’t be able to read the credit card terminal at the checkout counter and sign whatever is there and it matches what you bought. At worst, you will be clueless when the bank teller asks you to sign the withdrawal slip made out for you and four days later you read in the local newspaper where the teller is spending three weeks on Aruba.

7 If you are over seventy, do not decide the surfing competition looks winnable since there is only one entrant in the seventy and above bracket. If you do, at best you will have nothing more catastrophic than looking like a fool. At worst, you will wipe out and ground yourself on the beach where the medal committee will erect a monument in your honor.

6 If you are over seventy do not think your dance routine is still in. If you do, at best the rest of the crowd will be laughing behind your back. At worst, your routine will take up so much room and bump so many people the bouncer will remove you for your own protection

5 If you are above seventy, do not go anywhere near a Karaoke machine. If you do, at best you will get a short slow song you can handle poorly. At worst, you will pull a rap number and will scare yourself with the words that scroll across the screen  reminding you being scared is not good for your pacemaker performance.

4 If you are over seventy, do not drive in the left lane ever. If you do, at best you will wonder what all those hand signals mean in the context of driving. At worst, you will have a monster truck come so close to your rear bumper you will be forced to look in the rear view mirror only to swerve into some hapless seventy year old next to you.

3 If you are over seventy, do not raise your arms above your head if you are wearing short sleeves, if you do, at best you won’t notice the extra movement of skin and will think the wind is picking up. At worst you will cause enough stares to stop traffic with those undulating biceps that seem to have fallen.

2 If you are over seventy, do not go to a restaurant any time earlier than 7:00. If you do, at best you will get the early bird menu and won’t really find green Jell-O to your liking. At worst, a youthful server will insist that you will truly enjoy the breaded fish sticks instead of the of the large juicy steak you were intending. “Besides,” she says. “It is much easier to chew.”

1 If you are over Seventy, do not try to tell stories about how great it was in the old days. If you do, At best you will be finishing your stories to yourself. At worst, you will notice people running away as you come close and it won’t be because you have worn the same clothes for five days. (well, maybe)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Trying to Decide What to Watch on TV

~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

 

 

Ten things not to do when trying to decide what to watch on TV

This list was inspired by a recent visit to a friend’s house and observing some of the ways the friend decided which shows to watch.

10 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not take a suggestion from anyone ages fourteen to eighteen. If you do, at best you will be lost in the translation. At worst, you will see and hear things that will keep you up at night.

9 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not use the newspaper reviews as a guide to good programming. If you do, at best you will be asleep earlier than normal. At worst, you might find yourself wondering if you should discontinue your cable service.

8 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, don’t ask someone else what they want to watch. If you do, at best you will get an icy stare when you ignore the suggestion. At worst, you may end up watching this and other shows in the privacy of the garage.

7 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not scroll through the guide hoping something good will jump out at you. If you do, at best you will have to review one-hundred and sixty channels that are basically the same. At worst, those in the room may call an audible and you will lose your remote privileges for heaven knows how long.

6 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not call a friend for a suggestion. If you do, at best the friend will want a report on the show. At worst, you will hate the show and either lie to the friend or turn a friend into an enemy.

5 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch and your in-laws are there, simply hand over the remote. If you don’t, at best they’ll miss their favorite show and hate you forever. At worst, they might like your selection and decide to return on the nights that it is on since they can’t remember which channel to tune.

4 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch and your significant other wants to do something else, turn the set off. If you don’t, at best you be watching the show alone. At worst, you might be watching the show and it will be your only company for the long cold winter.

3 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not rely on the network hype about the “best new show of the season.” If you do you do, at best you might waste a half hour. At worst, you might waste a whole night depending on how many network hypes you followed.

2 If you are trying to decide which show to watch on TV, do not think the DVR will help. If you do, at best you may end up with a bunch of shows and no disk space. At worst you may have recorded all the clinkers of the season and while reviewing them miss the best.

1 If you are trying to decide which show to watch on TV, do not use any kind of gambling prop to help with the decision. If you do, at best the odds of getting something you want to watch are the same as the odds against you. At worst, your prop will be no more favorable to you in selecting a good show to watch than it has been in delivering sure thing winners.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

~ John W. Howell ~ 30 Comments

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

This list was inspired by a mishap in the kitchen which was a result of not being fully engaged in the process. I hope you enjoy.

10 If you are cooking dinner do not walk away from that pot of water that refuses to boil. If you do, at best you will return to find a steam-filled kitchen. At worst, you will return to a completely dry pot which is now in the basement through the giant hole in the floor and the volunteer fire department captain writing up the citation.

9 If you are cooking dinner do not try to edit your novel at the same time. If you do, ay best you may find the word asparagus in your final proof. At worst you will not find the word asparagus in the final proof and will have to live with “she reached for him and could feel his asparagus responding to her advance.”

8 If you are cooking dinner do not try to watch the big game while measuring out the ingredients. If you do, at best you will only miss a few spices. At worst you will get teaspoons and yards confused and will find your recipe expanded to enough servings for twenty.

7 If you are cooking dinner do not accept help even if asked. If you do, at best the person helping will alter your recipe to their own desire but it will work out. At worst, the person helping will leave out key ingredients or add something that doesn’t belong and instead of your triumph dish you will be serving a new form of dog food.

6 If you are cooking dinner do not ask people what they would like. If you do, at best you will only get a couple of requests that are different and can make an executive decision which to ignore. At worst, you will have such diverse opinions you will finally give up and throw everyone into the car for a drive through visit.

5 If you are cooking dinner, do not decide you know the recipe by heart. If you do, at best the result will be close to what it is supposed to be. At worst, you will produce what will be known for eternity as “that crap that was supposed to be a lasagna.”

4 If you are cooking dinner do not think everyone likes spicy food. If you do, at best you will only have a couple of people who seem too weak to eat. At worst, you will be alternating between running for water to quell the burning and giving heart palpitations to bring back those affected.

3 If you are cooking dinner do not think everyone on the planet will enjoy your special meal made from stuffed goat intestines. If you do, at best the evening will end early. At worst, you will cause several of your guests to run screaming for their lives, fighting the gag response never to return.

2 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to pass off a Stouffers Mac and Cheese which was in the freezer as homemade. If you do, at best your family might not notice. At worst, the family will expect the same quality the next time and you’ll be stuck with your dirty little secret which will surely be found out sooner of later.

1 If you are cooking dinner, do not sample the food or wine to any great degree. If you do, at best you will be jaded on the meal before it is served. At worst you will not outlast the preparation and will wonder the next day how the dinner went without you or the meal.

Top Ten Thing Not to Do When having a Garage Sale

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Having a garage Sale.

This list was inspired by a recent weekend of visiting a number of garage sales in the search of nautical artifacts that were supposed to be available in different locations.

10 If you have a garage sale, do not stock the inventory with all junk. If you do, at best you will look like you are down and out. At worst, you won’t make many sales since everyone has enough junk that looks and smells like yours at home.If you have a garage sale, do not advertise items that you don’t intend to sell. If you do, at best you can tell the folks the item is already sold.

9 If you have a garage sale, do not advertise items that you don’t intend to sell. If you do, at best you can tell the folks the item is already sold. At worst, you may have some early birds who will know the item isn’t sold and will have to deal with the subsequent mob who will convince you to go get the item in question or face walking the plank.

8 If you have a garage sale, do not put a child in charge of collecting money. If you do, at best your child will feel the impatience of the line that has formed since making change is not your child’s life skill. At worst, you may get a pirate who will be tempted to empty the cash box and steal the child to collect money at other garage sales to continue the cycle forever.

7 If you have a garage sale, do not sit in a big overstuffed chair eating chicken. If you do, at best some of your buyers will be disgusted and leave. At worst, you might lose your chicken to the highest bidder and have no say so in the matter.

6 If you have a garage sale, do not offer for sale any clothing that has not been washed. If you do, at best you will end up with the same inventory which you started out the day. At worst, you will be forced to discount the clothes to the point where some pirate will talk you into paying to remove the stuff.

5 If you have a garage sale, do not offer any eight track stereo tapes for sale. If you do, at best your age will automatically be transparent to all attendees over the age of forty. At worst, you will actually get a buyer who will insist on playing the choices before buying and you won’t have a player which this person has in the car and will loan you while staying and listening in your house for the next week since he has nowhere else to go.

4 If you have a garage sale, do not think the Ty Beanie babies are still thought of as rare finds. If you do, at best they will be priced unreasonably and you‘ll still have them at the end of the sale. At worst, you may actually find someone who is in the dark as much as you and who will buy all of them only to return tomorrow with a can of gas and a demand for their money back.

3 If you have a garage sale, do not smoke cigarettes or let one bob on your lip as you are doing a deal. If you do, At best many will realize all your items will smell like they have been in a forest fire and leave. At worst, one of your ashes will fall into your precious amber collection and produce a conflagration to rival the eruption of Vesuvius.If you have a garage sale, do not offer alcoholic beverages to those attending. If you do, at best you may have

2 If you have a garage sale, do not offer alcoholic beverages to those attending. If you do, at best you may have way more attendee than buyers. At worst, you may have a party which gets out of hand and makes your neighbors so upset that the next morning you find over ten for sale signs on your front lawn.

1 If you have a garage sale do not forget to post signs on where you are located. If you do forget at best you may miss some interested buyers. At worst your buyers will finally find you with only the thought of revenge in their heart which does not make for a happy customer.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Walking a Dog

~ John W. Howell ~ 13 Comments

 

 

Here is the 61st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. The inspiration came from watching a number of people out walking their dogs

 

Top Ten Things Not to do While Walking a Dog

10. If you are walking your dog, do not stop at a neighbor’s nice grassy place and let your dog do its thing. If you do, at best your neighbor will nicely ask you not to do that again. At worst, you will wake in the morning to a load of manure on your driveway with a note, “sorry about my elephant’s mistake. I’ll be back to pick it up later.”

9. If you are walking your dog, do not think other dogs would be fortunate to meet and play with yours without the other owner’s concurrence. If you do, at best the other dog’s owner will be nice enough to be patient and not sock you. At worst, the other owner’s dog is a rescue from a dog fighting ring and has been in a twelve-step program designed to stop aggressive fighting behavior and up to this moment has been doing beautifully.

8. If you are walking your dog and find you do not have a litter bag at the moment of truth, do not simply leave it there. If you do, at best someone will remind you of proper behavior. At worst, you may run into someone in a very bad mood who has just left the couples counseling session with the knowledge that they are considered a pushover and has just stepped in your dog’s mess.

7. If you are walking your dog do not think it is cute to let it run free with no leash. If you do, at best you will get unapprovingly stern looks from other dog owners. At worst, you may lose your dog around the corner and come to realize the animal control officer pulling away has it and the lion mix it was fighting in the back of the van.

6. If you are walking your dog do not think you can leave your dog tied up outside a store for long. If you do, at best your dog will bark and draw a crowd of unappreciative animal lovers. At worst, you will need to explain to animal control why you left your dog in the sun with no water while you are swinging from a tree upside down where the crowd left you.

5. If you are walking you dog you need to remember that the pavement gets hot in the summer. If you forget a, at best your dog will get tired enough of having hot paws and will jump into your arms to be carried for the rest of the way. At worst, the dog in your arms weighs over one hundred pounds and you will struggle to stay on your feet as you slowly return home barefooted followed by the patrol car with the police officer who threatened to ticket you for animal cruelty unless you gave him your shoes.

4. If you are walking your dog do not forget to bring water for the dog to drink. If you do forget, at best you walk will need to be cut short. At worst your dog will beg passersby to be adopted into foster care.

3. If you are walking your dog at night don’t think everyone can see you if you don’t have a light. If you do, at best you may find yourself jumping into a ditch to avoid the near misses of those who can’t see you. At worst, you may find yourself riding out-of-town on the front of a huge truck whose driver has no idea you and your dog are there hanging on for dear life.

2. If you are walking your dog don’t forget to keep an eye out for coyotes or other animals that might consider your dog a tasty treat. If you do, at best you may have to make a run for it unexpectedly. At worst, you might be in a position of having to go to a primal position and challenge the leader of the pack to a showdown while keeping your frightened pooch safe in your pants.

1. If you walking your dog, don’t forget all is well, and it is a beautiful day there is no more rewarding time. Keep your dog safe on a leash. If you do, at best you will enjoy your friend for years and there is no worse.

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to do Visiting a Doctor

~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

 

Here is the 60th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. The inspiration for this came from sitting in several doctor’s offices this week.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Doctor

10. If you are visiting a doctor, do not listen to your tunes with earphones while in the waiting room. If you do, at best you will miss your name and have a few more hours wait. At worst, you will start humming one of your favorites and will be asked to wait in the hallway until your name is called.

9. If you are visiting a doctor, do not smile at the old lady sitting across from you even thought she is smiling at you. If you do, at best she will think you nuts since her smile will turn out to be gas. At worst, she will think you are from another planet and give you a nice whack with her cane.

8. If you are visiting a doctor, remember to turn off your cellphone. If you don’t, at best you will get some annoying notifications. At worst, you will get a call from another doctor’s office wanting to discuss the results of your last test.

7. If you are visiting a doctor, do not touch anything in the office waiting room. If you do, at best you will only catch a cold. At worst, you will be in line for the next case of Ebola since the first case finished with the magazine you are reading now.

6. If you are visiting a doctor, do not attempt any doctor humor. If you do, at best you will bomb like Henny Youngman at an NRA convention. At worst, you will keep wondering about not being able to feel your leg after the shot from the humorless one in charge.

5. If you are visiting a doctor, do not try to get in without paying your co-payment amount. If you do, at best you will called back to the front to the amusement of all the patients. At worst, you will meet the biggest medical technician who will hold you upside down until you pay up.

4. If you are visiting a doctor do not go through any of the cabinets in the examination room. If you do, at best you will see some unusual instruments that will make you want to leave immediately. At worst, the doctor will walk in just as you come across the samples of products designed to prevent sexually transmitted disease

3. If you are visiting a doctor do not ask questions about the degrees posted on the walls. If you do, at best you will find they don’t belong to your doctor. At worst, you will find out your doctor went to a rival school to yours and one known for its status as a party university.

2. If you are visiting a doctor do not ask for samples of drugs. If you do, at best you will be given a lecture about the evils of addiction. At worst, you will be escorted to the interrogation room of the local DEA office where there will be difficult questions about what you know and when you knew it.

1. If you are visiting a doctor, do not forget to bring your medication list. If you forget, at best your doctor will prescribe something similar to what you already take. At worst, your doctor will prescribe drugs that have contraindications to what you take and you will be found tomorrow wandering naked in the middle of the street babbling something about the giant pink elephant.

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to do While Waiting Your Turn

~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

 

Here is the 59th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. The inspiration for this came from standing in a number of lines Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Find Yourself Waiting Your Turn

 

10 If you are in line at a ferry do not turn off your car. If you do, at best the minute you do, the line will start moving. At worst, your car won’t start and the friendly folks behind you will figure out a way to heave your car over the side of the access terminal into thirty feet of water.

9. If you are in line at the pharmacy do not try to horn in on the confidential medical briefing of the person in front of you. If you do, at best you may hear something that your ears won’t forgive. At worst the store will hit you with an HIPPA violation and send you to the back of the line again.

8. If you are in line at the ten items or less express checkout at the supermarket do not comment on the twenty items the person ahead of you has just laid on the counter. If you do, at best you will hear the old excuse “oh I didn’t notice that this was ten items or less.” At worst, you will be savagely attacked by a seemingly quiet unassuming person who (unknown to you ) was just released from a psychiatric hospital due to the lack of funding.

7. If you are in line at a movie theatre do not groan loudly when the person in front of you wants to know the rating of the movie. If you do, At best you will need to suffer through other questions like; “how long does it run?” At worst you will be faced with a spouse of the person in front of you wondering what your problem is and asking you kindly, while showing you a close up of a fist, to cut them some slack.

6. If you are in line at a convenience store do not make any comments about a person in front of you who wants to pick out the specific scratch–off ticket, but can’t make up their mind. If you do, at best you make have to explain your problem when asked. At worst you will need to apologize for your impatience when you learn that the ticket is being purchased as a twenty-fifth wedding anniversary present.

5. If you are in line at the bank do not prompt the half asleep person standing in front of you behind the wait here line that a teller is open. If you do, at best a person may pop awake and think you are being fresh. At worst, the person will take offense since they were not paying attention and ask you something about “where’s the fire?”

4. If you are in line at the doctor’s office do not complain to the receptionist about how valuable you consider your time. If you do, At best you will be waiting twice as long since the receptionist just had an argument with the doctor about how little she makes. At worst, the receptionist will somehow lose your place and you will still be there when the doctor and the receptionist leave for the night asking you to come back tomorrow.

3. If you are waiting to be served at one of the hottest bars in town do not wave at the bartender. If you do, at best he will simple wave back and wait on others. At worst , the bartender will finally give you the old what’ll you have and then tell you they don’t have it and maybe they will across the street.

2. If you are waiting to be seated in a trendy restaurant, do not think you will be seated without tipping the Matre D. If you do, At best you will finally have to break down and either tip or go elsewhere. At worst, you will get a seat in the bar just as they are starting the fastest cigar smoker contest and there are twenty-four contestants all lighting up at the same time..

1. If you find yourself waiting in line at Starbucks do not try to cut the line. If you do, at best you will be chastised by the register barista. At worst, your double decaf, soy, low foam latte will have a taste resembling the faint essence of dirty socks and you should not ask why..

 

Top Ten Things Not to do at a Writer’s Conference

~ John W. Howell ~ 44 Comments

Here is the 57th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. I put this together after observing other conference attendees in action at a recent writer’s conference I attended. Hope you enjoy

 

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Attend a Writer’s Conference

10. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not think you need to impress the faculty with your knowledge of the writing craft. If you do, at best you will sound ridiculous teaching best-selling authors about writing. At worst, one of the best-selling authors may ask you how many books you have sold.

9.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not volunteer to be the first to read your story out loud. If you do, at best you will finish your reading and no one will applaud since you obviously did not hear the instructions. At worst, you will finish your reading and the instructor will use you as the example of what not to read aloud.

8.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not continually ask questions in the form of personal anecdotes. If you do, at best you will demonstrate to faculty and fellow attendees how insecure you really are in your writing. At worst, you may find the faculty intentionally ignoring your raised hand during Q&A to the delight of your fellow authors.

7.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not think one of the agents attending will remember and represent you if you try to monopolize their time. If you do, at best you might find that agent has decided to go home early and will remember you forever. At worst, the agent will believe you to be a stalker and report you to the police and remember you forever.

6.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not try to maneuver yourself next to best-selling authors at the social events. If you do, at best you will eventually be discovered and the authors will know you for a not so good reason. At worst, you will be the laughing-stock at the faculty gathering prior to each event which will result in an informal shunning procedure.

5.   If you attend a writer’s conference, do not believe you become even more interesting to best-selling authors after too many glasses of wine. If you do, at best you will be the only one at the conference who believes you to be a serious author. At worst, you may just go over the line and need help getting to your room which will leave a lasting impression on all those who witness the event as well as those who may not want to sign a contract with someone who has a drinking problem.

4.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not jump to the front of the serving lines to be the first to grab your food so you will be ready to squeeze into the spot next to John Lescroart. If you do, at best you may have the conference attendees believing you have some kind of eating disorder. At worst, you might be sending a message to the conference that you will do all most anything to get ahead and will be able to count with one finger the number of people who might be willing to help you

3.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not assume all the conference attendees can learn from your experience. If you do, at best you will eventually have difficulty finding people who will talk to you. At worst, you might be really humiliated when you discover the attendees you are trying to impress have signed with major publishing houses and dearly want to stay away from you.

2.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not think others will be impressed by your numbers of followers on social media. If you do you, at best you may find out some successful authors do not personally do social media and will not be impressed. At worst, you will find that your numbers no matter how large are still smaller than others in attendance.

1.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not promise to send e-mails and to keep in touch after the conference and then fail to do so. If you do, at best the attendees will forget about you and it will be your loss. At worst, you will be remembered as one who doesn’t follow through and at some point in the future you may have to live down that trait.