Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Ten Things Not to do When Changing TV, Phone, and Internet Providers

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

This list has as inspiration recently changing phone, internet, and TV providers. I wanted to get higher speed internet, and the local phone company had nothing faster, so I had to go to a new supplier. I bought a bundle including phone, internet, and TV.

a cable install

Ten Things Not to Do When Changing Entertainment Providers

10 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not expect anything to work that day. If you do, at best you will be frustrated. At worst, you will need someone to apply some electroshock to bring you back from the heart attack.

9 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not let them touch anything until verifying the price. If you do, at best the price will be the same as agreed. At worst, some clod in the sales department quoted you a price on just half the equipment, and now the COD charge is twice. (and your other supplier is no longer your supplier)

8 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not let the tech leave until you try everything. If you do, at best there will be no batteries in the remotes. At worst, your internet and TV resemble something driven by a captured mouse on a wheel that hasn’t had a square meal in weeks.

7 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not let them come to the house until they have confirmed your old phone number will be ready to hook up. If you do, at best you will be given a temporary number until your old number is available. At worst, the old number will not be available for a few weeks and in the meantime your number is one digit off from an all night at home message service.

6 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not think all your precious recordings on the old DVR will stay with you. If you do, at best you will be surprised. At worst, you will sadly realize those episodes of the Mentalist that you were going to watch over the summer no longer exist and you will have no idea how the season and the series ends. (Spoiler alert, everyone is happy)

5 If you are changing entertainment providers, pay no attention when the tech says “Oh oh that’s not good.” If you do, at best you will lose confidence in getting service quickly. At worst, you will be drawn into a conflict between the tech and his home office  over whether or not you need TV service.

4 if you are changing entertainment providers, do not plan on getting anything else done that day. If you do, at best you will be frustrated in having to cancel plans. At worst, you will have planned an important meeting that was to take place in the afternoon but  since the tech is still working you have a decision between getting TV, Internet and phone service or keeping your job.

3 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not suggest to the tech that there might be a better way to install something. If you do, at best the tech will ignore you. At worst, the tech will follow your direction and because you were not clear you now have a major hole in the wall between your living and dining room and a highly attractive black cable running across the floor.

2 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not plan on downloading those large files from work. If you do, at best your temporary  download speed will mean the job will be finished sometime in June. At worst, the documents and files you are attempting to download will show up on your neighbor’s computer who does not have ultra-high security clearance necessary to be in possession of the sensitive federal documents which you discover as the Homeland Security SWAT team is pounding on your front door.

1 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not plan on using the equipment for at least three days and twenty-four hours on the phone (cell) with the customer and technical support. If you do, at best you will be wondering why you are participating in this particular hell. At worst, we will be watching the late news seeing you on top of the provider’s customer care center blinded by bright searchlights and being ordered not to jump.  (or even worse, to put the automatic weapon down)

Top Ten things Not to Do at Whole Foods

~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

The inspiration for this list came during several visits to Whole Foods. None of these circumstances were as a result of personal interaction while shopping there.

 

 

a whole food store

 

Top Ten Things Not to do at Whole Foods

 

10 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think you are at a discount outlet. If you do, at best your heart rate will hit a never before achieved rate at checkout. At worst, you will have to do the wait of shame while the checker calls the stock person to return everything you were forced to give up at the checkout.

9 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think the salad bar is a taste first then buy spot. If you do, at best store security will remind you loudly that you are not to eat anything prior to checking out. At worst, you might be asked to weigh in for a residual weight charge. (You will be asked loudly for your weight prior to entering the store.)

8 If you are at Whole Foods and are having a salad to go, do not forget the price is by the pound. If you do, at best you may have loaded your salad with heavy veggies that will lighten your cash. At worst, you will come to realize for the cost of the salad you could have bought a farm and raised your own.

7 If you are at Whole Foods, do not go there hungry. If you do, at best you will overspend dramatically. At worst, you will come face to face with the reason the store has the nickname “Whole Paycheck.”

6 If you are at Whole Foods, do not decide to discuss politics with the essential oil and vitamin store person. If you do, at best you will have to listen to some very disturbing theories on government use of food to eliminate its enemies. At worse, you might find yourself involved in a discussion and resulting firm request to join the Retake the Food underground which has only one satisfactory conclusion and that is to run out of the store.

5 If you are in Whole Foods, do not joke around about wanting more trans-fat in your diet. If you do, at best you will receive some pretty strange looks. At worst, you might be wrestled to the ground by well-meaning food cranks in an effort to save your mortal self from a fate worse than nicotine addiction.

4 If you are in Whole Foods, do not sit at the wine bar do not reach over the counter to help yourself. If you do, at best you might be asked to leave. At worst, you may be banned from Whole Foods for up to a year that they consider the ultimate punishment. (As if anyone could stand not to visit for a year)

3 If you are at Whole Foods and are looking for organic potato chips, understand they still are not a good thing to eat.  If you forget, at best you might wonder where you got that extra ten pounds. At worst, you will no doubt feel comfortable consuming organic potato chips until you no longer feel comfortable in your clothes.

2 If you are at Whole Foods and want a breakfast taco. Remember the prices of the extras beyond the tortilla are on an individual basis. If you forget, at best you will have the most expensive taco you have ever had. At worst, you will need to make a run to the bank before your number comes up.

1 If you are at Whole Foods and decide to have a cup of coffee, do not think you can just order a cup of coffee. If you do, at best the rest of the line will what planet you were from as you stumble through the process. At worst, you will finally walk away with a cup of something that will closely resemble an oil change in the rainforest.

Top Ten Things Not to do When Taking Family Photos

~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

This list was inspired by looking at a number of photos that have been posted on-line recently.

a camera

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Taking Family Photos

10 If you are taking family photos, do not forget the background. If you do, at best you might have a stray person in the shot. At worst, you may have the perfect family park photo with a lovely backdrop of the trash receptacle.

9 If you are taking family photos, do not ignore what each person has in their hand. If you do, at best you’ll take photos which catch a bunch of red Solos. At worse, you may get a fine shot of everyone with red Solos as well as Uncle Jeff and his smoked turkey leg.

8 If you are taking family photos, do not let anyone pose without a shirt. If you do, at best you have to hope your family is well toned. At worst, you will have photos of family members who resemble a gathering of a Yeti clan or a convention of the Michelin Man actor’s league.

7 If you are taking family photos, do not let the camera shake. If you do, at best your photos will be blurry. At worst the photos will all make your family appear as if they are having severe withdrawal from controlled substances.

6 If you are taking family photos, tell a joke and don’t just command everyone to smile. If you do, at best your family will look artificial in appearance. At worst, you will have captured what will be interpreted by outsiders is living proof zombies exist.

5 If you are taking family photos, do not take this occasion to introduce some creative photo techniques you have always wanted to try. If you do, at best your family will not understand what you have done. At worst, you will have created a set of photos that your family will insist be burned in front of them and possession of the memory stick which they will destroy in front of you.

4 If you are taking family photos, do not try to take photos late into the party. If you do, at best everyone will appear tired in the pictures. At worst, you will find it more difficult to get pictures without tongues sticking out and two fingers behind every head.

3 If you are taking family photos, do not pose members in an unflattering way. If you do, at best you might hurt some feelings. At worst, Aunt Malva and Uncle George will seek an injunction to have the photos kept from public view. Especially that one where they are comparing the size of their bellies.

2 If you are taking family photos, do not over serve yourself. If you do, at best you will take some pictures that aren’t useable. At worst, you will capture some subjects in unusual poses which you think are fine but they want to kill you for possession of them.

1 If you are taking family photos, do not keep everyone waiting while you set the camera and the lights and the self-timer.  If you do, at best your photo will show some of the tension. At worst you‘ll have a photo where it appears someone has just opened a large container of Limburger cheese.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Going to Disneyland

~ John W. Howell ~ 33 Comments

This list has as inspiration the idea of spring and trips to Disneyland and Disneyworld

a disneyland

Ten Things Not to do if You are Going to Disneyland

10 If you are going to Disneyland, do not tell the kids until you are there. If you do, at best there will be no hiccups, and you  will get there after what seems like an eternity. At worst, your fight has a detour to Fargo North Dakota because of weather, and the snow will melt in ten days. (And the kids will ask every three minutes when you are leaving for Disneyland)

9 If you are going to Disneyland, do not try to navigate the park without a guide-book. If you do, at best a three-day visit will seem like three years of waiting. At worst, you and all the other uninformed visitors will be arriving at the same rides at the same time only to all decide to go to a different ride at the same time and so on and so on till you realize you haven’t ridden one ride in eight hours.

8 If you are going to Disneyland, do not think the weather will be the same in the afternoon as it is in the morning. If you do, at best there will be a little rain you didn’t expect. At worse, you may get caught in a monsoon-like downpour or a North Pole like cold snap which will also be the perfect growing conduit for the flu virus you picked up on the airplane.

7 If you are going to Disneyland, do not let your kids talk you into allowing a friend to come along. If you do at best, they will all get along and only cost an additional five hundred dollars. At worst, after the first day the friend are no longer speaking to your kids and insist they want to go home and have informed their parents you are holding them against their will. (The state police and FBI are very understanding on these kinds of situations)

6 If you are going to Disneyland do not think the breakfast with the characters is going to be anything but a trial. If you do, at best you will be dismayed at the lack of non-screaming picture-taking opportunities. At worst, your child will be the one who is afraid of a giant Mickey Mouse and makes a scene that is so traumatic you  hear people talking about the reaction for three days. (Luckily your child looks completely different when not screaming bloody murder)

5 If you are going to Disneyland and plan to eat in the park, do not think the cost will be reasonable. If you do, at best you will discover the three meals you are used to will need to be trimmed to one and a half. At worst, you will have a dinner the first night you are there and then will spend your time at the front gate with a cardboard sign that reads “will write for food.”

4 If you are going to Disneyland, do not try to make the actors break out of character. If you do, at best you will simply be annoying for the kids. At worst, you may encounter a character like Jim Fink king of the river who will take great pleasure breaking out of character with a knuckles sandwich to your nose.

3 If you are going to Disneyland, do not try to join the main street parade just because it looks so all-American, and you had one too many pops at dinner. If you do, at best you will be sleeping in the car tonight. At worst, the parade was a success and unfortunately it came to an abrupt end with fingerprinting and a drafty cell.

2 If you are going to Disneyland, you cannot think the rides are for adults only. If you do, at best your children will think you don’t know how to share. At worst, you will need to have a time out while your spouse explains the purpose of going to Disneyland in the first place.(the session in full view of the park visitors)

1 If you are going to Disneyland, do not forget the idea is to have fun. If you do, at best your family will have less of a good time.. At worst, you will find your family has made up a little game of hide and seek, and you are it. After you count to one hundred, they have all disappeared and the next time you talk to them is at the hotel through a locked door.

Top Ten Things Not to do If You have Spring Fever

~ John W. Howell ~ 21 Comments

Okay for the most of the United States I’m rushing this list a bit. I have always thought of spring as a matter of the mind and not necessarily how the weather is behaving (or not as the case may be). Spring here in South Texas has definitely arrived. I can tell because when I walk on the beach I’m almost run over by big ole pickups filled with overserved youngsters all yelling “woo woo” at the top of their lungs. Last year one even said to me “Hi old man.” She said it in a kindly manner so I didn’t take offense cause after all I am an old man. So on to the top ten things not to do if you have spring fever.

a spring feveruntitled

Ten Things not to do If You Have Spring Fever

10 If you have spring fever, do not fall in love with everyone you see. If you do, at best you will get a broken heart. At worst, you will need to deal with all the spouses to whom you have been reported for inappropriate sighing.9not to mention behavior)

9 If you have spring fever, do not daydream at work. If you do at best your fellow workers will think you use drugs. At worst, the boss will believe you have a motivation condition that can only be helped with a six-week motivational seminar (which is being held in Fargo ND)

8 If you have spring fever, do not operate heavy machinery. If you do, at best you may waste some material because of inattention. At worst, you may be deep in thought and run the heavy machinery through the shop wall or floor. (Better check to see what is below)

7 If you have spring fever, do not operate a motor vehicle. If you do, at best you may get a fender bender, At worst, you may just be pulled over by the state police because you are going the wrong way on the freeway.

6 If you have spring fever, do not lay in a bed of daisies. If you do, At best you will be allergic. At worst, you might be in contact with a nest of fire ants or bees and will end up in the ER having to explain why you decided to lay in a bed of daisies in the first place. (It will never come out right)

5 If you have spring fever, do not decide to take the day off.  If you do, the best will be you miss some important phone calls. At worst, you will miss the meeting where your boss was going to announce your surprise promotion which now isn’t necessary since the office snitch explained you just didn’t come in today.

4 If you have spring fever, do not decide to write poetry. If you do, at best no one will ever see it. At worst, you will want to share it with your family and friends causing an instantaneous interdiction and a nice white straight jacket for you.

3 If you have spring fever, do not decide to force the family on a picnic. If you do, at best all of you will be wet and miserable. At worst, the park patrol will finally find you after several hours of your family being reported lost in the blizzard. (Guess who is not talking to you anymore?)

2 If you have spring fever, do not decide to take up guitar playing. If you do, at best you will get good enough to be described as awful. At worst, you will be strumming and singing a song and wonder why all the people have left and all the cats have arrived.

1 If you have spring fever, do not buy a convertible or sports car. If you do, at best you will be forced to drive it alone. At worst, you will be asked kindly by your spouse to return the vehicle to the point of purchase under penalty of a total and complete censure. (Guess how much the car is worth when you bring it back)

The Top Ten Things Not to do at Your Annual Home Owner’s Association Meeting

~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

This list is a result of the  last Saturdays Home Owner Association Annual meeting held in our community.

a hoa untitled

Ten Things Not to do While Attending a Home Owners Association Annual Meeting

10 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not challenge everyone who disagrees with your point to go outside and settle things. If you do, At best you will come off as a crackpot. At worst several of the bigger neighbors may take you up on your offer leading to a hurried trip to the ER.

9 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not tell a long-winded speaker to sit down and shut up. If you do, at best you will appear to be a bully. At worst the speaker may be a black belt Karate champ who will show you how he breaks cement blocks using only a head. (Yours)

8 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not ask questions just to show how smart you are about the covenants. If you do at best, your neighbors will make a note to avoid you at all costs. At worse, you may be appointed as the rule cop for the neighborhood that will endear you to everyone to whom you point out errors (not to mention the egg on your windows)

7 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not try to convince everyone your idea is the next best thing to whipped bread. If you do, at best you will delay while contributing to the boredom of the meeting. At worst, someone in the crowd will yell at you to shut up and sit down which will expose them to the remedies in item nine, and they will be waiting outside to settle the deal.

6 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not bring your Italian sub sandwich to eat during the meeting. If you do, at best everyone will move away from you. At worst, the biggest guy  in the room will invite you to join the sandwich that is now in the garbage can outside.

5 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not get up and ask for donations for your book’s marketing fund. If you do, at best  your neighbors will think you have lost your mind. At worst, they will discover you are an author and will warn their family members to stay away from you especially if they see you carrying books.

4 If you are attending an HOA meeting, try to find a babysitter for the kids. If you can’t at best, you will be distracted and lose sight of what is being voted. At worst your kids will see a bunch of new people and ask some potentially embarrassing questions like “why is that man wearing hair on his head that doesn’t fit?”

3 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not try to pretend you haven’t forgotten a few names. If you do, at best your charade will be transparent, and some will believe you to be shallow. At worst, you will run out of introductory statements like “Hi there.” You’ll be forced to admit you’ve forgotten the name of your next door neighbor.  He is the man who was kind enough to run out in the rain to help you catch your dog with a loss of creditability that an honest admission would save.

2 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not be the first to “second” every motion. If you do, at best your neighbors will think you have no friends. At worst you may be seconding things that will cause frictions among the neighbors, and you will be seen as in favor no matter that you didn’t even hear the motion.

1 If you are attending an HOA meeting and the President is reading the agenda, do not sigh and mumble “another long boring meeting.” If you do, at best you are quickly losing a friend in the President. At worst, your outspoken comment may be shared by others but because you said it you will be the one who the neighbors will talk about tomorrow beginning with the words, “can you believe how rude he was?”

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Doing Your Taxes

~ John W. Howell ~ 32 Comments

Thank you, Traci for having me on your site as part of your It’s Reigning Men feature for the month of March. Since this is Monday, I thought I would share one of the titles of my blog Fiction Favorites named the Top Ten Things Not to do. The list is a tongue in cheek view of life and how to avoid some of the problems in which we all find ourselves. This list is being simupublished on my blog as well today.

a irs

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Doing Your Taxes
10 When doing your taxes, do not rely on the brother-in-law advice of what is deductible. If you do, at best you may miss the audit lotto this year and be safe. At worst, you could be fielding a number of questions from several agents of the IRS and your brother-in-law has already received his whistleblower fee.

9 When doing your taxes, do not ask your spouse to find the receipts that you carefully put somewhere but can’t remember where. If you do, at best you will have to endure a lecture about organization. At worst, the ensuing argument will consume the next three days until finding the receipts in the back seat of your car.

8 When doing your taxes, do not think of waiting until the last-minute thinking there will be some miracle where the government will postpone the filing date. If you do, at best you will over stress your already limited schedule. At worst, you will be so rushed that you will leave off key required elements of the filing. For example the signature. Forgetting essential elements will place you in the IRS slush pile of, “those we want to talk to.”

7 When doing your taxes, do not have large cups of coffee or a Big Gulp near your worksheets, If you do, at best you may only have rings from the containers on your return. At worst, you will knock over the biggest cup that will inundate the work and the result will not be readable. You will be forced to start over or estimate from memory what you had calculated with the chance your $10,000 refund might cause a tax fraud charge.

6 When doing your taxes, do not think all your expenses are deductible. If you do, at best you will not be audited and have missed a chance to lose twenty pounds in sweat. At worst, your case will be turned over to an agent nicknamed “Big House Harry,” for the number of convictions sustained with his investigative prowess.

5 When doing, your taxes, do not think the extra cash you earned is not reportable income. If you do, at best if caught you can always cite your failing memory as the excuse. At worst, you and the head of a drug cartel nicknamed, “shive” will be prosecuted under the same money laundering statute.  You will be encouraged to make nice as you are transported to the federal detention center on the short bus while handcuffed together.

4 When doing your taxes, do not try to find the cheapest tax preparer who claims the largest refund. If you do, at best you may be disappointed when your refund turns into an amount you owe. At worst, you are watching the evening news to see your preparer being hauled out of his office in handcuffs. The newscaster describes the largest tax fraud scheme in the history of the city including millions in refunds being redirected to his offshore account.

3 When doing your taxes, do not fill in the boxes if you do not understand what is being asked. If you do, at best you may cause your return to do just that return. At worst, you may unknowingly set up a farm or other type account. During the audit, you will be asked to produce the cattle and chickens for which you inadvertently deducted the feed and vet care. Testing the sense of humor of the agent with a picture of your dog is a bad idea.

2 When doing your taxes, do not try to write off clothing donated to a charity when you are still wearing the items deducted. If you do, at best the agent will not notice during the audit that the fuchsia sweater listed on the return is the same sweater under your raincoat (which is on the return as well). At worst, the agent doing the examination of your return used to work at Ralph Lauren as an accountant and has noticed the descriptions of a few of your donations are still on your back.

1 When doing your taxes, do not spend your refund before you get it. If you do, at best it will be a little late, and you’ll be on the hook for interest charges on your card. At worst, the return magically turns into IOU when the government corrects all the math errors.  You now have a maxed out credit card and a bill collector named “Crusher” pounding on your front door demanding the keys to your car.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Oscar Ceremony

~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

Since yesterday was Oscar Sunday I thought it would be nice to provide all you Oscar nominees (You know Best Screenplay from a novel) with a list of what not to do if you should attend the Oscar ceremonies. This list was inspired by witnessing several cringe-worthy moments during previous Oscar broadcasts. I hope you enjoy it (and heed the warnings when it is your time to accept)

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Oscar Ceremony
10 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not look at your seat mate and mouth the words out loud that belong to the initials NFW. If you do at best, the bleep and commentators comments will stay on YouTube for half a century. At worst, the FAA will present you with a bill representing the fine for a worldwide violation of on air decency along with instructions on how to answer the charges levied by no less than thirty countries.
9 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not rely on the tape applied to your daring dress by the designer to withstand the jumping up and down associated with the excitement of the win. If you do, at best you might have to react quickly to stay covered. At worst, you might have a wardrobe malfunction that happens so quickly the network is not able to eliminate it from the broadcast that is being viewed by your entire family including great grandpa Jerkins who has been known to use the switch on the kids when they are bad.
8 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not carry a cheat sheet with all the names of the people you have to thank. If you do, at best you will look like someone who has no idea who to thank. At worst, you will miss someone you should have included on the list and they will hate you forever.
7 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and are to present, a category make sure you know how to pronounce everyone’s name. If you don’t at best, you will make a small mistake no one recognizes. At worst, you will mispronounce a name or two and the video will be the one chosen to be sent into space as the iconic non-verbal depiction of a buffoon on Earth.
6 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and are to walk the red carpet, do not fall down. If you do, at best you will have to answer reporter’s questions continually all night about “your accident” as if you had wet your pants. At worst, the video will be made into a gif and will loop on the Today show website for a year
5 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not allow anyone to over-serve you. If you do, at best you will make some small mistakes that only your mother will notice. At worst, during your big moment you will take the opportunity to explain to the audience and the rest of the world how schuper schuper happy you are ta be part of the wonder-ful Hollywoot shoe and how y’wissh ta thank allllllll the little little people who schacrificed to get you where you are now.(no typos here all intended Sally) Your performance will be nominated to be the new public service announcement for a twelve step program.
4 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think Dick Pope will be at all entertained with any Dick Poop mentions. If you mention the unfortunate flub by Cheryl Boone Isaacs at best, you might just get a cold stare. At worst, you could be the recipient of a knuckle sandwich coming out of nowhere and without any mayo.
3 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think you should wear anything other than formal wear. If you wear something else, At best most attendees will assume you work in the kitchen. At worst, the jokes said behind your back will end up on the David Letterman show, and you will be asked to appear in the outfit you wore Oscar night. (Believe me no one is laughing with you)
2 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think wearing an experimental hair style will make you noticed in a positive way. If you do, at best your hairstyle will a topic on the next “what not to wear at the Oscars” edition of Here’s Hollywood. At worst, someone will want to touch the creation, and you will allow them to do so since you think they are a big producer only to find out later they parked the cars.
1 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not try to get yourself in front of every camera. If you do, at best the producer will switch cameras the minute they see you on the monitor. At worst, although you thought each shot was magnificent, it appears you had a piece of spinach from the oysters Rockefeller stuck in your front teeth that made you look like a character out of the movie Deliverance.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

 

 

Today’s list has been created to provide a little satire surrounding President’s Day. (Happy President’s Day) This is a holiday that I have had a tough time getting my mind around. Other than getting a Monday off, I haven’t been able to see the significance of it all. Yes, Lincoln and Washington each have a birthday two days apart and this may be the only reason.  Of course, there have been forty-four presidents and most have made at least half of the population angry at one time or another. Let’s just say if a President were a member of the family their birthday would in a probability be forgotten. So I’m making the supposition President’s Day is an invention of mattress and car companies for an excuse to have a sale. Here is a tongue in cheek top ten things not to do on President’s Day.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day

10 On President’s Day, do not go to Wal-Mart and buy a giant Happy Presidents Day blow up lawn thingy. If you do, at best your neighbors will think you have a screw loose. At worst, a stiff wind will grab the lawn thingy and drag it and the tie down through you r neighbors front window and there will be no way to call upon the spirit of President’s Day for forgiveness.

9 On Presidents Day, do not plan to receive lots of President’s Day gifts. If you do, at best you will sit under the cherry tree a very disappointed person. At worst, all the gifts you bought expecting a big gift exchange will all come due as your credit card company has a new policy on minimum payments required.

8 On President’s Day, do not try to organize a President’s Day office party. If you do, at best your co-workers will request a transfer. At worst, the HR department will invite you to participate in the employee mental health improvement program which will include three days in group therapy and an hour in shock treatment.

7 On President’s Day, do not ask your neighbors to donate to a fund for the less fortunate. If you do, at best you will never have to speak to them again. At worst, the local police will have you in for questioning due to a report taken on the potential for your request for donations to be taken as a scam.

6 On President’s Day, do not try to sing President’s Day carols in your neighborhood. If you do, at best there will be a number of slammed doors and no invitations for hot coco. At worst, your neighbors might band together to organize an intervention and carry you bound and gagged to the nearest institution.

5 On President’s Day, do not expect a bonus from your boss. If you do, at best you will be disappointed. At worst, the money you spent in anticipation of your President’s Day bonus will need to be covered before the card company sends a collection notice.

4 On President’s Day, do not organize a picnic at the park to celebrate. If you do, at best no one will show up. At worst, you will be shoveling three feet of snow just to find the barbecue grill not to mention the crimp in the volley ball game.

3 On President’s Day do not shoot off fireworks. If you do, at best you will be the only one doing so and your neighbors will know where to send the police. At worst, you massive fireworks display will ignite the neighbor’s roof and since it is thirty degrees below zero the fire department won’t be able to pump water and your neighbor is heading over to your house with what looks like a ball bat in his hand.

2 On President’s Day, do not sit in front of the TV thinking there will be a football game to watch. If you do, at best your family will seek council from the local clergy. At worst, your friends will all come over and start eating your snacks and drinking your beer while placing bets on how long it will be until the ambulance shows up. You might want to get in on the bet since the pot is at one hundred dollars.

1 On president’s Day, do not send Happy President’s Day cards to all your friends, family and co-workers. If you do, at best they will not know what to do or say. At worst, next year they will all send you a Happy President’s Day card since you sent one last year. This will cause you to check each off your list and only send a card the following year to those who sent you one.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

This list was put together and published today since next Saturday is Valentine’s Day. Although a little early, it just wouldn’t do to publish it next Monday which would be the 16th. Since most of America goes bonkers in trying to create the perfect Valentine experience, I thought it would be a good idea to list some things that just might cause the day to backfire. One thing to keep in mind, Valentine’s Day does not in itself become the measure of the value of a relationship. However, mess it up and there will be a definite discount on the relationship’s value for the foreseeable future.  So here is the list.  I hope you enjoy it.

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day

10 On Valentine ’s Day, do not accept the phrase “We love each other and don’t have to show it on an obvious Hallmark holiday,” as the truth. If you do, at best you might be able to work your way back into good graces in due time (like at Christmas). At worst, your loved one will present you with the most touching card and gift which will immediately cause your scalp to sweat and the urge to run off a nearby cliff which can’t be covered with a last-minute run to Wal-Mart. (the only cards left at this hour are the big lace lined mushy verses to grandma and who wants to be a valentine with grandma? Well, maybe grandpa.)

9 On Valentine’s Day, do not plan an expensive dinner out as your gift. If you do, at best you will be seated next to the restroom after a two-hour wait. At worst, the waiter will announce the regular menu has been replaced with the $300.00 per couple Prix fix tasting menu which has everything you and your partner would call Terminix to get rid of along with ten flights of wine which only someone in trouble with alcohol could finish.

8 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a gift even remotely related to sex. If you do, at best you may be using the gift yourself. At worst, you will be broadcasting a desire that may not be mutually felt and your partner will feel uncomfortable and pressured to engage in some activity that will probably end up badly not to mention an intervention by the local community police.

7 On valentine’s Day, do not think it is the thought that matters. If you do, at best you will survive with a thought next year you will part with a little more cash on a better gift. At worst, you will be forced to endure the sympathies of your partner’s friends as expressed on Facebook , Twitter, Pinterest and the notoriety that comes from the YouTube video of your paltry gift which goes viral with over a million views.

6 On Valentine’s Day, do not make anything by hand that you hope to pass off as a sentimental offering. If you do, at best be prepared to see your item on E-bay priced way below the cost of materials. At worst, the item you handcrafted for the occasion will more than likely be the item you uncover in a remote part of the garage two years from now as you are doing the spring garage clean out in preparation for the community garage sale and you notice the price on a tag of $1.50 which has been marked down from $25.00 from several previous garage sales.

5 On Valentine ’s Day, do not buy chocolate covered strawberries from a street vendor. If you do, at best your valentine will eat off the chocolate and not touch the strawberry. At worst, your valentine will wolf down the whole thing only to discover later in the ER after a healthy dose of Ipecac, the claim by the street vendor of 98% salmonella free fruit was way overstated.

4 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a dozen red roses from the guy alongside the highway. If you do, at best you will make it home before the rose buds fall off. At worst, the roses will come packed with several kinds of insects including bed bugs from the local no-tell motel and, unfortunately, your partner has a rare and severe allergy to Japanese beetles who just have formed an independent state in the rose bouquet.

3 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the chocolate’s you froze from the last Costco truffle sale will not show signs of wear. If you do, at best the freezer burn will give you away and you will be forced to buy some See’s chocolate quickly at the mall. At worst, the truffles will somehow fall apart and you will need to invent a story on how the greenhouse effect has contributed to the instability of the common chocolate truffle which your partner will try to verify by making an inquiry on Google whose results are sure to render your story as a complete fabrication.

2 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the commercial cards say exactly what you want to say. If you do, at best you will settle on something that causes both of you to scream “AWKWARD” after the poem is read aloud. At worst , you failed to read the whole message and find at the end a little reference to being “good friends” which will spiral your partner into a space and only a qualified therapist will be able to talk them down.

1 On Valentine’s Day, do not think ignoring the day will eliminate responsibility. If you do, at best you might be forced to give up one who, at one time, thought you were pretty cool. At worst, the brother of the one who thought you were pretty cool and who served with the Navy Seals on three tours in Afghanistan has left word at all your normal haunts that he would like to talk to you.