Since a lot of us are writers and this week marks the 71st anniversary of the publication of George Orwell’s 1984, I think we all should go and see what it was like at the launch. If you are going to go grab a copy of the list of things not to do so, you can prevent any time warping mistakes.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of George Orwell’s Novel “1984” in 1949.

10 At the launch, do not try to pass yourself off as a friend of George Orwell. If you do, at best, most will ignore you. At worst, someone will ask if you know his name. (Now you are in a pickle, Labhrainn. George Orwell was a nom de plume for Eric Blair. Since you didn’t know that you look like a fool.)

9 At the launch, do not cut in front of Tiny the WWF champ in the autograph line. If you do, at best, Tiny wasn’t paying attention. At worst, Tiny, who just skipped his anger management class for the fifth time, is now angry. (I guess he calls that a choker hold, Laccy. In most wrestling matches, it is outlawed since it is also known as the Grip of Death. I think I would apologize while you can still talk.)

8 At the launch, do not ask George if he is going to do a sequel. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, since he is not feeling well, he may find your question a little rude. (He is suffering from Tuberculosis, Lache, and will not last a year. A quick check of history would have given you the information to avoid the question.

7 At the launch, do not suggest to George that the title of the book Nineteen Eighty-Four a Novel was chosen as an inversion of nineteen forty-eight the year it was finished. If you do, at best, George is distracted. At worst, George will take offense since he spent time working on the title. (You’ve done it now, Lachlann. George is looking around the room for a gun. You see, he carefully crafted the title. The book was initially titled  The Last Man in Europe. He then chose 1980 and moved it to 1982. 1984 was a late amendment to the manuscript.)

6 At the launch, do not ask George if he knows who Janice Joplin is. If you do, at best, you’ll get a stare. At worst, George will have to admit he never heard of her. (Way to go, Ladd. Just because she started out with a group called Big Brother and the Holding Company, there is no way he could know her. Now you have several people wanting to know if you are crazy.)

5 At the launch, do not suggest to the publisher that the book’s cover might be an impediment to sales. If you do, at best, the publisher will be talking to someone else. Ar worst, the publisher will ask about your book cover experience. (Of course, you have none, Ladon. All you know about covers you read on blogs. The cover may be a little plain but did turn out to be successful and sold over 30 million copies.)

4 At the launch, do not mention the copyright expires in January 2021. If you do, at best, everyone will be drinking and not listening. At worst, George’s lawyer will wonder what exactly brought this subject up. (Since it is 1949 and the copyright runs for 70 years after the death of the author, Laertes, the lawyer is wondering what you know about George’s life. I think it might be time to hit the way back button.)

3 At the launch, do not ask about the movie. If you do, at best, you’ll not be asking the publisher. At worst, the publisher will want to know what you know about the plans for a movie. (As usual, Lafayette you know there was a movie made in 1984 but none of the details. The film was released in October of 1984. At the time of the book launch, no one had even thought about a movie. I think the publisher wants to talk to you.)

2 At the launch, do not start using words from the book. If you do, most won’t know what you are talking about. At worst, George will overhear you and wonder how you came to know the jargon when you just bought the book. (This is a bit of a sticky wicket, Laius. Sure we are all familiar with words like Big Brother, doublethink, thoughtcrime, Newspeak, Room 101, telescreen, 2 + 2 = 5, prole, memory hole, and Orwellian but these folks won’t come to know them until they read the book. Oops here come George. Better have a good story made up.)

1 At the launch, do not mention George’s other books, notably Animal Farm, unless you have read them. If you do, at best, the person you said them to has not read them either. At worst, you will be talking to a rabid fan, and you will be pressed by several questions. (Okay, I think it is time to leave, Lambert. Not only are you over your head, but George is heading this way since he heard you were a big fan.)

This week marks the 338th anniversary of Louis XIV’s decision to move his court and the entire French Government to Versailles. This was a massive undertaking, and we certainly want to go and watch this happen. It nothing else; it will be a grand show of schadenfreude. If you come with us, do not forget your list of things not to do so that you can hopefully not cause a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Moving Louis XIV’s Court to Versailles in 1682.

10 If you go to the move, do not offer to unpack the crystal. If you do, at best, nothing will get broken. At worst, it will be your luck to pull a sizeable Venetian glass vase out of the box, and it is in two pieces. (Well, Leland. As luck would have it, you happen to have some crazy glue with you. I think you should work fast cause the last guy caught breaking a crystal piece is still back in Paris in a very dark room in the basement.)

9 If you go to the move, do not help Tiny the WWF champ unload that harpsichord. If you do, at best, Tiny will want to do it himself. At worst, Tiny, who just finished moving school, will let you have an end. (Too bad your side is the heavest, Lars. Try not to drop that silver and gold-encrusted instram—. Oops, too late, I think. Tiny is not going to get over this very soon. Let him give you an arm lock. You’ll both feel better.)

8 If you go to the move, do not tell Louis XIV that his beautiful silver chairs and throne need to be melted down to pay for the cost of the Nine Year’s War. If you do, at best, he will give you a head start. At worst, although he knows you are right, you are the messenger. (The old rule of taking it out on the messenger is once again at play here, Linus. Don’t worry. Someone will release you from the dungeon after Louis comes to his senses. Yes, you make a good point. It might take years.)

7 If you go to the move, do not think you can pick up a game of catch in the Hall of mirrors. If you do, at best you will be throwing a pillow. At worst, you are using a wooden croquet ball. (Just when you thought you had it, Lamont, the ball skips off your fingers into the seven-year bad luck zone. Don’t even try to clean up the mess. Just run.)

6 If you go to the move, do not complain about the size room you get. If you do, at best the person hearing your complaint has heard it all before. At worst, your claim is given to someone who has a smaller room than you. (That did not work well, Laurence. Yes, you have a larger room, but unfortunately, it is in the stable.)

5 If you go to the move, do not think a bottle of wine will be an adequate house warming gift. If you do, at best, it will get lost in the rush. At worst, Louis XIV will personally read your card out loud. (To add insult to injury, Leopold, your gift got the cheapskate of the day award. Don’t worry about being a laughing stock, right now, Louis is commissioning an artist to do a statue of you and your bottle of wine.)

4 If you go to the move, do not give anyone decorating advice. If you do, at best, the person you are talking to is in charge of the landscaping. At worst, you give your opinions to Charles Le Brun, the head of interior design. (That sound is Le Brun laughing at your suggestion for a more minimalist treatment of the interior design. If you are lucky, Lon Le Brun won’t have you escorted off the property. On second thought, those husky guards seem to be intent on just that.)

3. If you go to the move, do not volunteer to organize the first state dinner. If you do, at best, you’ll be turned down. At worst you will be given the job. (First off, Leander, there are over six thousand government, court, and courtier personnel that would be expecting an invitation. Second of all, if you slight one who is important, your future will look bleak indeed. Good luck with this. Have a nice day.)

2 If you go to the move, do not forget to check the wagon for anything left. If you do, at best, all the items have been unloaded. At worst, you’ll leave the symbol of le Roi Soleil (Louis XIV the Sun God) in the back of the wagon. (Nice going, Layton. That symbol is pure gold, and it would take you a lifetime to pay it back if lost. Better start hunting now before the king notices it missing. Uh oh. By the look on the face of his royalness, it is already too late.)

1 If you go to the move, do not offer to clean the bedrooms. If you do, at best someone will tell you there is a staff for that. At worst, you’ll get that assignment. (Since there are 700 bedrooms in the palace, Lyndon, you might consider the fact that you now have a guaranteed job for life. Here tale this Swiffer. You might need it.)

April 19th marks the anniversary of the first Boston Marathon, which was run in 1897. This is an event that we all would like to see. If you decide to jump on the time travel train, please take this list to ensure you don’t put a big ole tear in the time continuum. All aboard.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Boston marathon.

10 If you go, do not think you can sneak into the race and be lost in the thousands of participants. If you do, at best you’ll double think your decision. At worst, you will be noticed immediately by the judges since there are only fifteen participants. (You have a choice Lucian. Pay the entry fee or drop out. That policeman over there is going to make sure you choose one or the other.)

9 If you go, do not try to tell Tiny the WWF champ that the 24.5-mile course he has laid out should be 26.2 miles. If you do, at best, Tiny will ignore you. At worst, Tiny, who just finished his remedial math training, will think he’s made a math error and needs to cover it up. (There was no error, Lucius. The course distance was determined by a committee. It was changed to 26.2 miles in 1908.  This is not going to help you now that Tiny has decided you need to be silenced. I’m sure he will let you out of that barrel once the race is over.)

8 if you go, do not suggest that the race be held on a Sunday. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worse, you’ll make that suggestion in earshot of the Boston Bishop. (Sundays are sacrosanct here in Boston, Lukas. The race was designed to be held on Patriots Day, which commemorates the beginning of the Revolutionary War. If Patriot’s Day fells on a Sunday, then the race was held on Monday. It took until 1969 for Patriot’s Day to be established as the third Monday of April. All this is well and good but too late to prevent you from being declared a heretic.)

7 If you go, do not mention the under the two-hour finish of Kenyan marathoner Eliud Kipchoge in 2019. If you do, at best, folks will think you have been drinking. At worst, you’ll mention it to John Mc Dermott, the winner who finished at 2:55:10. (Now John is wondering where you came from Lionel. Telling him Kipchoge’s time was 1:59:40 won’t stop him from the nose punch that is heading your way. in fact that info might just speed it up.)

6 If you go, do not wear the freebee Gateraid T-shirt that you scored at the Micky Mouse marathon last year. If you do, at best, it is under your sweatshirt. At worst, John Graham, the first Olympic team manager, and Boston Athletic Association member, will want to know all about it. (Now you are in a fine kettle of fish, Luciano. How are you going to explain sponsorships since the first did not start until the 1980s? Better think fast, cause Graham doesn’t look like a guy who suffers fools lightly.)

5 If you go, do not ask about the Red Sox baseball game that usually accompanies a marathon event. If you do, at best, no one will understand what you are talking about. At worst, the organizers will think you are trying to take over the event. (Although it is a tradition for the Boston Red Sox to play a game before each marathon, they didn’t start doing it until 1903. It looks like you have created quite a stink, Leif. Tell em you lost your head there for a moment.)

4 If you go, do not ask about the lack of women participants. If you do, at best you’ll get a “What are you thinking?” look. At worst, the Boston Athletic Association will take you for a sufferage militant. (Those big Policemen over there, Lennon are just waiting for orders to clap you in irons. The first woman did not officially participate in the Boston marathon until 1972. Nina Kuscsik became the first official female participant to win the Boston Marathon in 1972.)

3 If you go, don’t mention running in a costume. If you do at best, you’ll get a laugh or two. At worst, you’ll be banned from the city. (The idea of running in costume did not become popular until Gary Fanelli did it as Elwood Blues, Dan Aykroyd’s character from The Blues Brothers, in 1981. Since he was successful, the idea caught on. Don’t try to tell the marathon organizers this fact, Ludwig. You may end up in a padded room.

2 If you go, do not ask the organizers if they allow bandits. If you do, at best, they will think you are talking about bandannas. At worst, someone will call the sheriff. (You know that bandits are unregistered runners that were tolerated, Lenny. Although not forbidden bandit runners have been discouraged since 2015. I think I would try an exit strategy since that sheriff’s deputy looks like he has no sense of humor at all.

1 If you go, do not wear your Hoka One One Carbon X running shoes and your Lululemon running suit. If you do, at best people will stare. At worst, someone will yell “Alien,” and your day is over. (A cardinal rule is to fit in, Langston. The running gear of the day should look like you are in your underwear and wearing combat boots. Yes, now that is more like it.)

On April 12, 1954, Bill Haley and the Comets recorded what became the declaration of independence for the new rock and roll style of music. This is the kind of event that we need to visit. If you go, please take the list with you so that we can witness the recording without causing a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Recording of Bill Haley and the Comet’s Rock Around the Clock.

10 If you go, do not light your bic as if you are at a concert. If you do, at best, someone will point out the no-smoking sign. At worst, since Bic lighters weren’t invented until 1972, you might get a few stares. (Also, Leonard the tradition of holding up candles began at Woodstock in August of 1969. The singer Melanie wrote a song titled “Candles in the Rain,” and while she was singing at Woodstock, the hillsides were filled with people and lit candles. It continued from there.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if you can play Tamborine. If you do, At best, Tiny won’t know the word Tamborine. At worst, Tiny, who flunked out of music school and is now a part-time guard will want to play the Tamborine himself. (Don’t worry, Lucian. That flight of stairs that Tiny is going to toss you down has a landing on the first floor. Maybe you can control your descent somehow.)

8 If you go, do not point out that the group is recording the wrong song. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, the producer will offer to help you out by asking, “How did you get in?” (The song that took so many takes is titled “Thirteen Women.” “Rock Around the Clock was recorded in two takes after Thirteen Women was finished. Oh, you never heard of Thirteen Women. You are not alone, Lucius.)

7 If you go, do not complain that the instrumentals are so loud you can’t hear the vocals. If you do, at best, the producer will send you out for coffee. At worst, since there is only enough studio time left for one more take, the Producer will lose his cool. (I would stay out of the way Lukas. The producer is going to do the vocals over and hope for the best. In fact, he is hoping the guy doing the final mix can save the mess somehow. Yes, he has a knife. I think you’d better be quiet now.)

6 If you go, do not ask who is doing the guitar solo. If you do, at best, you’ll be told it’s handled. At worst, the soloist Danny Cedrone is standing right next to you. (Good thing Danny is a nice guy, Lionel. Since he was only paid $31 to riff perhaps the greatest guitar solo he might have been a little grumpier)

5 If you go, do not mention you saw the movie, Blackboard Jungle, and the tune was playing over the opening credits. If you do, at best the band will think you are drunk. At worst, they will wonder what you are smoking and want some. (Rock around the clock did, in fact, play over the opening credits of Blackboard Jungle in the spring of 1955. The movie starred Glen Ford, who was introduced to the song by his 10-year-old son, Peter. Where was the song, Luciano? On the B side of the record Thirteen Women. That’s where.)

4 If you go, do not ask the Decca engineer what he is doing. If you do, at best he’ll tell you to get lost. At worst, he will find you annoying and call the police. (You see, Leif. It is his job to put the instrumentals and vocals together into something that sounds like Rock Around the Clock. He painstakingly spliced together the two recordings. This was something that was not done in that day and age.)

3 If you go, do not make bets with anyone on how many records Rock Around the Clock will sell. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, everyone will wonder how you know and how you can prove the number. (Okay, Lennon, Rock Around the Clock sold 25 million copies. Now you tell me how you can show that on the day it was recorded. I think you better just hit the backdoor and forget it.)

2 If you go, don’t ask the band why they are late. If you do, at best, the session will start before you are heard. At worst, your question will be like salt in a wound. (The band got delayed because the ferry they were taking from Philadelphia to New York got stuck on a sandbar. I think I would just stop asking questions Ludwig.)

1 If you go, do not tell Bill Haley that he will be performing at a command performance for Queen Elizabeth. If you do, at best he will think you are joking. At worst, he will wonder what scam you are trying to pull. (So, you let slip the fact that Bill Haley and the Comets played at a command performance in November of 1979, Lenny. I think you should tell Bill you were just kidding.)

This week marks the 143rd anniversary of the first use of a catcher’s mask in a baseball game. The game was between Harvard and The Live Oaks, a semi-pro team from Lynn, Massachusetts. James Alexander Tyng stepped on the field wearing a hand made version, and the rest is history. We must go to that game. Just to see the faces of the other players would be worth the price of admission (in this case it is free) Here is a list to take so we don’ do something to alter the course of history.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Wearing of a Catcher’s Mask in a Baseball Game in 1877.

10 If you go, do not turn down an offer of the house-brewed beer. If you do, at best, your host will think you ill. At worst, your host will think you are a temperance agent. (In 1636, John Harvard established the College’s on-campus brewery, Liam. There is nothing that Harvard men won’t do to protect their beer. Better be careful. Here comes the football team.)

9 If you go, do not yell “Kill the Umpire,” if Tiny, the WWF champ, is behind the plate. If you do, at best, you’ll be hidden in the crowd. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped his last four anger management sessions, will see you and halt the game. (You can run, but you can’t hide, Lucas. Yes, like a zombie, Tiny is coming for you.  think what he has in mind is going to hurt.)

8 If you go, do not try singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” If you do, at best, everyone will think you are nuts. At worst, they’ll think you are nuts enough to require treatment. (You see, Levi, the song was not written until 1908 by lyricist Jack Norworth and composer Albert von Tilzer. Your attempt fell on very deaf and concerned ears. Oh, look. I haven’t seen a straight jacket like that in years.)

7 If you go, don’t ask to buy peanuts and Crackerjack. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, the people you ask will think you are from another planet. (Peanuts were first introduced to the ballpark in 1895. Crackerjack was invented in 1896. It appears like singing the song, Leo, your requests for peanuts, and crackerjack have folks concerned. I think it is time to say goodbye.)

6 If you go, do not get up and stretch after the first half of the seventh inning. If you do, at best, folks will think you odd. At worst, management will think you are having some kind of medical emergency and call the police. (The seventh-inning stretch did not become a thing until after President Howard Taft did it in 1910, Lawrence. He was cramped from sitting ad did a stretch. The whole stadium joined in, and the tradition was born. Right now, though, you are heading for the sanitorium if you don’t get moving.)

5 If you go, do not start yelling for the organist to play “charge.” If you do, at best, everyone will move away from you. At worst, you’ll be asked to leave the park. (Believe it or not, Lorenzo, the first organ music was played at Wrigley Field in 1941. The organist was Ray Nelson, who played classical music before the St. Louis Cardinals and Chicago Cubs. Here comes the Chicago Police. not ones to be messed with today.)

4 If you go, do not show up in your Yale sweatshirt. If you do, at best you’ll have a jacket to cover up. At worst, one by one, the Harvard crowd will notice what you are wearing. (I think you have attracted enough attention, Lance. It looks like the whole stadium is about to end up in your lap. I think I would just take off the shirt and throw it to them and run.)

3 If you go, don’t order a hot dog. If you do, at best, folks will ignore you. At worst, the animal rights folks at the game will want you arrested. (The hot dog first made an appearance in 1901 at Yale University and then Harry M. Stevens brought them to sell at New York ball game in 1905. I would not fool with those animal rights folks. Tellem, you just wanted to eat a hot dog, Larry. Heh heh heh)

2 If you go, do not ask anyone what costume the team mascot wears. If you do, at best, the person will just shrug a shoulder. At worst, you will rais enough questions about your background to cause a major ruckus. (The reason is, Leonard, the first costumed mascot, was Mr. Met introduced at the new Shea Stadium in 1964. before that, there were no live consumed mascots. No wonder all those people are lighting torches and carrying pitchforks.)

1 If you go, do not ask for tickets for a luxury suite. If you do, at best the clerk won’t know what you are talking about. At worst, the clerk will think you are pulling a fast one and hit the panic alarm. (The first luxury suites were installed at Palace of the Fans park in Cincinnati in 1902, Larry. It’s no wonder the clerk misunderstood your request. Well, that is all academic since the police are almost here.)

This week marks the anniversary of the first time Coca-Cola went on sale at a drugstore in Atlanta in 1886. Its inventor, Dr. John Pemberton, claims it can cure anything from hysteria to the common cold. This is something we have to try. If you go, please take the following list so that you can be safe from the faux pas that could alter history forever.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sale of Coca-Cola in 1886.

10 If you go, do not ask for a big gulp to go. If you do, at best, the server will pretend not to hear you. At worst, the police will be called. (The problem is, Kaiser, the first formula contained cocaine and the cops think you are a drug fiend.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ and soda jerk to add some cherry juice to your glass. If you do, at best, Tiny will let you know he has no cherry juice. At worst, Tiny, who has been sampling the product all morning, so your request triggers unpleasant memories about not telling the truth about chopping down a cherry tree. (You see, Kajatan Tiny has been on a treatment plan, and your request just sent him over the edge. I think if you start running now, you’ll be out of there before he finds his hatchet.)

8 If you go, do not ask for a bottle of Coca Cola. If you do, at best you’ll get a funny look. At worst, Dr. Pemberton will want to talk to you in the back room. (There is a problem, Kala. You see, Coco-cola was a syrup that was combined with soda water. It wasn’t until 1899 that the first bottle was sold. Now Dr. Pemberton want’s to know where you got the idea for a bottle. By the look on his face, I think I would opt for an insanity plea.)

7 If you go, do not think you will amaze the crowd with an exploding mentos trick. If you do, at best you won’t find mentos and a bottle. At worst, you locate a bottle, and since mentos were not invented until 1932, a big ole mint. (You managed to get Coca-cola and mint all over the pharmacy, Kalani. Dr. Pemberton is looking feverously through his desk drawers. I happen to know he keeps a Smith & Wesson .44 caliber revolver in that desk somewhere. I think it is time to say your apologies and hot foot it through the door.)

6 If you go, do not order a Coke. If you do, at best, the clerk won’t understand you. At worst, you’ll be surrounded by steelworkers. (The term Coke referring to Coca-cola was not coined until 1941 in an advertising campaign, Kalen. Therefore the steelworkers are more than happy to take you to the plant and give you a big ole bag of coke. Your super worry now is how to get away from your new best friends. Muldoon wants to buy you a drink.)

5 If you go, do not mention the name Pepsi-cola. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, since Pepsi was not introduced until 1894, Dr. Pemberton is thinking you are having a stroke. (Just lay back and let the good doctor put those leeches on you, Kalin. If you try to get away he’ll know something is up.)

4 If you go, do not let anyone know that the name Coca-cola was not trademarked until 1892. If you do, At best, the people you are talking to have no idea what a trademark is. At worst, you happen to mention it to Asa Griggs Chandler. (So Chandler spent about $2,300, which is worth $67,455 today acquiring the assets of the company and trademarked the name in 1892. You gotta believe, Kalle, he never would have thought the scheme up on his own.)

3 If you go, do not order a “Black cow.” If you do, at best, you’ll be asked to leave. At worst, someone will take you out back where the animals are kept. (You know a “Black cow” is ice-cream and Coke, Kami. Since such a concoction was not developed until later, you could not expect folks to understand you even though the ice cream soda was invented in 1874 in Philadelphia. I hope you are happy with your new milk cow. I’m not sure it will transport back here all that well. Those brown eyes are sure cute, though.)

2 If you go, do not talk about diet Coke. If you do, at best no one will care. At worst, you’ll be overheard by the local distributor and will be asked to meet him outside. ( It looks like he has a number of clients who use cocaine to maintain their weight, Kamron. I would not try to tell him he was mistaken. Afterall you now know who he is and that could get you. a free swimming lesson in cement overshoes.)

1 If you go, do not ask for a second glass of Coca-cola. If you do, at best, the clerk will refuse. At worst, Dr.Pemberton will enroll you in his newly established “Coping Clinic.” (Yes, a fiction writer would make up the story that one of the reasons he formulated the drink the way he did was to provide a funnel to his new sanatarium business. Do not deny you are hooked on his concoction, Kanishka. He’ll just use that as evidence that you are besides even if the story is not true why take a chance?)