Category: top ten things not to do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Mardi-Gras Celebration in New Orleans in 1827

~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

 

Mardi-Gras

 

This week marks the 193rd anniversary of the first Mardi-Gras celebration in New Orleans. This event just cries out for a visit. Of course, there are some precautions needed, so take this list and try to stay out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Mardi-Gras Celebration in New Orleans in 1827 by John W. Howell © 2020

10 If you are there, do not stand in the french quarter, expecting a big celebration. If you do, at best you’ll miss some crowds. At worst, you will lose the party. (You see, Ken, St Charles street was where the celebration started with a bunch of college students who were trying to duplicate the fun they had in Paris the year before. It looks like you may have to come back next year. Then again, since you are a time traveler, you can pick any year.)

9 If you are there, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ for some doubloons. If you do at best he won’t hear you. At worst, since Tiny missed his last three obsessive-compulsive paranoia group help sessions, he will not be sharing his doubloons today. (In fact, Kamal you have now caused him to believe you will try to steal his stuff. Don’t worry about the landing after that helicopter spin. Tiny usually tosses his opponents into the crowd. Most of them are pretty soft. The crowd, not the toss)

8 If you are there, do not take off your shirt, expecting someone to toss you something. If you do, at best no one will see you. At worst, your lack of a shirt will have been noted by the sheriff. (Looks like you are being written up, Kiley. Not for your public display, which one would expect but for the fact that you frightened several of the horses. How bout you put that shirt back on, okay?)

7 If you are there, do not go into a pub and order a Hurricane to drink. If you do, at best you won’t be understood. At worst, the barkeep will think you are making weather jokes and toss you out. (That’s because the Hurricane was invented at Pat O’Brians bar during World War II when whiskey was in short supply and rum plentiful. It looks like your landing on the street was less than dignified, Kameron. Don’t touch anything until you get a shower.)

6 If you are there, do not ask when the parade will begin. If you do, at best, people will not know what you are talking about. At worst, they will think you have been overserved and call the police. (You are a little early for parades, Kevan. The first did not happen until 1857 when the Krewe of Comus began the idea. (No matter how you try, Kristopher, you are not going to convince that policeman that you haven’t been drinking.  Maybe they will name a parade after that wacky guy who kept asking where the parade was being held. Or perhaps not.)

5 If you are there, do not shout at people to throw you beads. If you do, at best you’ll get some strange looks. At worst, people will wonder if you have lost your mind. (The problem is, Kenton the idea of tossing beads from a float came about in the 1880s when a guy dressed as Santa started the tradition. Here come some guys with a costume they want you to try on. Yeah, they don’t call it a straight jacket for nothing.)

4 If you are there, do not tease the constable’s horse. If you do, at best, you’ll have your foot stepped on. At worst, the constable will take offense since he considers his horse a part of the family. (Also, Kofi you are courting a bonk on the head since the constable got a new billy club for his birthday, and he has been itching to try it out.)

3 If you are there, do not ask the Beignets vendor if he has one that is jelly-filled. If you do, at best he just arrived from France and can’t speak English. At worst, you have asked the president of the Keep the Beignet Free from the New World Contamination Society. (It is now time to put those running shoes to the test, Kristoff. That guy has a big knife, and I think he intends to do you harm. He had vowed to murder the next person who denigrated his precious Beignets, and the last one just left.)

2 If you are there, do not let a kid bet you that he can tell you where and when you got your shoes. If you do, at best you only lost a ha’penny. At worst, you were so sure he couldn’t, you bet him all your cash. (You now know, Kiernan that the kid told you you got your shoes on Bourbon Street right now. I guess you have no choice but to pay up. Besides those four big looking guys seem to be with the kid.)

1 If you are there, do not add Tobasco sauce to your gumbo until you taste it. If you do, at best you’re from Texas and can stand the heat. At worst, you will need a gallon of water and three days to recover your voice. (Running around screaming about the flames in your mouth will get you little sympathy, Keiren. You will be labeled a tourist from that time on, and people will avoid you at all costs.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Gym

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

This week in history had some pretty serious things going on, and not one was something I could mock without appearing disrespectful. (I guess Babe Ruth’s 60th home run in 1927 could be an exception, but I have already done a ballpark top ten) So, I have begun going to the gym again (after a broken kneecap), so I thought it would be fun to restate some things not to do if you go to a gym.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Gym

10 If you go to the gym, do not wear your workboots on the treadmill. If you do, at best, they are clean. At worst, these are the same boots you wore to the barn cleaning. (Well now you’ve done it, Jabari. You’ve caked the ellipsis with old Dobber’s straw and poop. I think this might be the last day of your membership.)

9 If you go to the gym, do not point out to Tiny the WWF champ the  “Do Not Drop Barbells” sign. If you do, at best he’ll think you are pointing to the water fountain. At worst, Tiny, who just left his narcissist support group, will wonder why you are so rude as to ask him to follow the rules. ( Tiny has a way to handle what he thinks are nasty folks, Jabbar. He takes them for a helicopter spin and body drop, which only hurts for a little while.)

8 If you go to the gym, do not aks the guy who has three hundred pounds pressed overhead for the time. If you do, at best, he will have a sense of humor. At worst, you will break the lifter’s concentration. (Nice going, Jabir. You and he are now in the basement after the drop of the weights took you both through the floor. I would suggest you get up and get out quickly before he comes to.)

7 If you go to the gym, do not forget to wipe off any of the equipment that you sweated up. If you do, at best someone else will do it. At worst, a committee will form to convince you to begin. (Don’t look now, Jaccob but the committee is armed with spray disinfectant, and I think you may be the machine they intend to wipe down.)

6 If you go to the gym, do not carry on a cellphone conversation while working out. If you do, at best, the place will be empty. At worst, those around you want you to die. ( As a second choice, Jacinto you will be able to find your phone in the ten-foot end of the pool.)

5 If you go to the gym, do not finish that hero sandwich while riding the stationary bike. If you do, at best you only had two bites left. At worst, once you really got going the crumbs, lettuce and onion bits are blown everywhere. ( What a sight, Jacky. You look like a confetti machine on New Year’s Eve. Now go get a vacuum machine and clean this stuff up.)

4 If you go to the gym, do not think that wife-beater t-shirt that says “People Suck,” is appropriate exercise wear. If you do, at best, you’ll be totally ignored. At worse, the biggest guy in the gym walks over and says, “I’m a people.” (Well now, Jacobson you have a choice. Fight or flee. I would suggest the latter thank you.)

3 If you go to the gym, do not moan out loud with each lift of the weights. If you do, at best everyone will be listening to music. At worst, everyone will be making faces behind your back. (I hope you are happy, Jacoby. There is an entire mime show going on behind you to the delight of the performers.)

2 If you go to the gym, do not keep wearing the same unwashed exercise clothes. If you do, at best no one is near you. At worst, people keep wondering aloud who is hiding the Limburger cheese. (Normally you wouldn’t care, Jacquin but the pack of dogs following you are becoming a pain.)

1 If you go to the gym, do not work the New York Times crossword puzzle while on the treadmill. If you do, at best, your no hands workout is an accomplishment. At worst, your attempt at no hands treadmill work is a disaster. ( Don’t worry, Jacquelin no one laughed when you went teacart over teacups at the end of the treadmill. Well, almost no one. Okay everyone but the guy eating the hero laughed.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Invading Canada with Ethan Allen in 1775

~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

 

Top Ten things not to do

This week marks the 245th anniversary of Ethan Allen’s capture by the British during his ill-fated attempt to capture Montreal. You may recall Ethan Allen was the American revolution’s first hero by capturing Fort Ticonderoga on Lake Champlain. The Fort gave the Revolutionary army almost 100 state-of-the-art captured cannons and artillery pieces. These were later used to significant effect in defeating the British army.

Unfortunately, after his Canadian invasion failure, Allen spent the next 30 months in prison in England and Ireland. He was finally released in trade for a British officer. He returned to Valley Forge where Washington gave him a hero’s welcome. I’m sure you all would like to take a time trip back there and join Ethan in what was an exciting adventure. Sure it didn’t end well for Ethan but was a moment in history well remembered. Also, take this list and stay out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Ivading Canada with Ethan Allen in 1775.

10 If you are invading Canada, do not think the 130 men with you are going to overpower the British. If you do, at best the British powder got wet in the rain. At worst, facing an overwhelming force all but 32 of the men ran away. ( So here you are, Jaiden left with Colonial Allen and 31 other idiots. Those red coat muskets look pretty worrisome. Maybe surrender is the best course here. After all, you always liked a proper English breakfast.)

9 If you are invading Canada, do not get in the way of Tiny the WWF champ as he is making a fast exit to the rear. If you do, at best he might run around you, At worst, having just tossed his musket at the British he may use you as his next withdrawal device. (Don’t worry, Jarvis. Tiny is only going to throw you at those advancing troops. Best to hope you don’t land on the bayonets though.)

8 If you are invading Canada, do not mess with your French Canadian fellow invader’s poutine. If you do, at best they’ll just throw it away. At worst, you’ll hear the expression “sacrebleu” before being slapped in the face with a glove. (Nice going, Jakob. You messed with the man’s cheese curds, and now you are fifty paces from a lead ball.)

7 If you are invading Canada, do not be tempted to join the boys in a Molson ale or two. If you do, at best, you’ll run out. At worst, someone will turn up another barrel. (Okay, so the invasion is a bust, Jett. A few more ales and the British could take your head for all you care.)

6 If you are invading Canada, do not try to sing “Alouette,” to relieve tension. If you do, at best, you’ll be told to be quiet. At worst, your Canadian French will be so awful you’ll help un off a few of the men. (The song is about plucking the feathers off a lark, Joss. Just how much tension did you think that would help relieve? )

5 If you are invading Canada, do not call your fellow French Canadian warriors hoser. If you do, at best they hadn’t heard the term. At worse, they have played hockey and know it is Canadian hockey slang for a loser. (Since losing teams had to hose down the ice after games I think you might be in trouble, Jere. These guys look like they want another game with you as the puck.)

4 If you are invading Canada, If you should shoot a British soldier, do not say, “sorry.” If you do, at best the soldier won’t hear you. At worst, you will give him a reason to overcome his wound and chase you down. (That’s right, Jimmie. Keep on running. You may get to Poughkeepsie before he catches you.)

3 If you are invading Canada, do not ask your British captors for a Cuban cigar. If you do, at best they’ll think you are joking. At worst, they will want to know what a Cuban cigar is and how you came to know about them. ( Yeah, You’ve opened a can of worms, Jerrett. Wait until you get to the part where Cuban cigars are banned in the US. You’ll have em stumped for sure. “That firing squad is here for what reason?” You ask)

2 If you are invading Canada, don’t ask your Canadian compatriots what “eh” means. If you do, at best, you’ll get a cold French Canadian stare. At worst, the definition will be followed by use in a sentence. (The sentence is “I suppose you think you know it all, eh?” Now is the time to grab your musket and head south, Jean.)

1 If you are invading Canada, do not make jokes on the word “about.” If you do, at best, you’ll get no laughs. At worst, the biggest guy in the French Canadian group swore the next American who says “a boot” for “about” will die. (I hate to tell you,  Jaafan but the last one who said “a boot” just left.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at The Introduction of the First IBM Personal Computer in 1981

~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

Today marks the anniversary of the introduction of the first personal computer by IBM in 1981. If you want to return to that time, take this list with you. It may save a mistake or even a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Introduction of the First IBM Personal Computer in 1981

10 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not laugh out loud at the 16 to 256 kB amount of memory being offered. If you do at best someone will think you are laughing with delight. At worse, you’ll be put in a position of explaining what you believe to be so funny. (Just because your current laptop has a thousand times that memory you need not be a snob, Isaias.)

9 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not tell Tiny the WWF champ that he needs to learn to keyboard. If you do, at best Tiny will think you mean someone else. At worse, Tiny will think you are mocking his two-fingered approach to typing. (The other worse part is Tiny just left his self-esteem support group where he was told he is a beautiful, perfect, big boy. I think you will have to deal with his feelings of rejection, Illias. It is going to hurt. I’m just sayin’)

8 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not ask if there re any discounts available on the $1,565.00 price tag. If you do, at best you’ll get a weird look. At worst, the engineers will put you to sleep, explaining all the components, and how expensive everything is inside. (Now don’t you feel foolish, Ismael? Put that Best BUY coupon away. No use telling them that you can get a PC priced at $141.00 in 1981 dollars. Might even get you run out of town.)

7 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not ask if you can play Pong on it. If you do, at best more funny looks. At worst, one of the engineers will suddenly see you as a genius and won’t get away from you. (You may think this is a good thing, Izzy but the guy hasn’t been out of his clothes for two weeks.)

6 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not use white-out on the screen to correct mistakes you make trying out a unit. If you do, at best the group with think you are cute. At worst, they’ll think you are a technology terrorist. (There are a couple of big guys moving your way, Iban. Might be a good idea to take your white-out and correction-tape and head for the door.)

5 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not complain if you get a stripped-down version with no monitor for your $1565.00 ($4313 in 2018 dollars). If you do, at best you will be told to buy a more expensive model. At worst, the engineers will sit you down and explain that the PC was designed to be hooked to a TV monitor. ( So now you know, Ivo. You just plop that sucker down by your TV and plug it in the back. Well, assuming you have a connection on your TV. If not come back and get the +$3,000 models. We’ll throw in a couple of floppy disk drives too. Don’t tell me you don’t know what floppy disks are?)

4 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not scoff at Charlie Chaplin’s character The Little Tramp as a spokesperson for the IBM PC. If you do, at best, the market will ignore you. At worse, the advertising folks will lock you in a room and make you watch an endless loop of Little Tramp commercials until you buy a PC. (Best just buy one in the first half-hour, Idal. Otherwise, your brain may melt.)

3 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not buy before you try. If you do, at best you can put up with some inconvenience. At worst, you’ll be trying to save to drives that don’t exist and trying to print to slots that are empty. (Maybe you should have tried it out first, Isham. Looks like you will need the more expensive one after all.)

2 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not ask if it is compatible with your iPhone. If you do, at best, no one in the room will know what an iPhone is. At worst, the security department will believe you asked the question because you are from a competitor. (Looks like it is going to be a fun ride out the front door, Izak. Try to land on something soft this time.)

1 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not ask if it comes in colors other than grey. If you do, at best the salespeople will think you are joking. At worst, the salespeople will think you are a corporate spy for Apple. (Looks like they are ready for this kind of thing, Issa. Here comes the sheriff with a couple of deputies. MIght be a good time to hit the way back button on that cell phone.”

Top Ten Things not to do Storming the Bastille in 1789

~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

 

 

Bastille

Since yesterday was the anniversary of the storming of the Bastille in 1789 I thought it would be a good idea to lay out some things not to do should you have the ability to go there and join in the fun. As you know, the Bastille was a prison that the government of the time used to incarcerate and torture political prisoners. The day is called “Bastille Day.” in English (la Fête Nationale in French) and is widely recognized as the beginning of the French revolution. If you are going, take this list. Who knows it might just save your head.

Top Ten Things Not to Do while Storming the Bastille in 1789

10 If you are storming the Bastille, do not continue to carry your Vive Le Roy banner. If you do, at best someone will take it from you. At worst, you will be associated with royalty and may become a guest of the third estate at the next guillotine party. (why on Earth didn’t you know this was a demonstration against Louis XVI, Ike. Too many Vin rouges, eh?

9 If you are storming the Bastille, do not get in front of Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best, you’ll fall down, and Tiny will run over you. At worst, Tiny just left the rally where the beer was free and is anxious to grab the royal flag. (The sad thing is Tiny is focused on getting through the locked door and is now using you like a battering ram. It should be over in a few minutes, Iggy one way or another.)

8 If you are storming the Bastille, do not count on trading stories with the Marquis de Sade a prisoner there. If you do, at best you’ll accept that he left ten days before. At worst, you’ll try to organize a group to storm the insane asylum where he was transferred. (You have to admit not many want to help you, Ilias. Maybe that should give you a clue.)

7 If you are storming the Bastille, do not insist on a foie gras lunch. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, the average person has no idea what a foie gras is and will think you a royalist. (Now we are back to the original invitation to the head loss party after the storming is done, Inigo. I would think you could learn something in all this.)

6 If you are storming the Bastille, do not get caught with your “Go Camera recording the whole thing. If you do, at best you can tell them it’s a new kind of bomb, and they’ll believe you. At worst, your explanation will fall on deaf ears. (So now you are in line for the dunking chair which is designed to get the truth out of witches. Just tell them you are a witch, Isaak. Maybe they’ll go easy on you.)

5 If you are storming the Bastille, do not say to the mob that red, white, and blue are not your colors. If you do, at best you’ll get a sympathetic colorist. At worst, you be confessing to a bloodthirsty peasant your disdain for the tri-color, the symbol of the revolution. (Yes, his eyes are red, Isah. No, I don’t think he has allergies I believe he is mad at you. Yeah, running may not be the answer.)

4 If you are storming the Bastille, do not stop for a cafe au lait and croissant. If you do, at best you won’t be late for the storming. At worst, you’ll arrive after the storming is over and be accused of dereliction of duty. (I’ll bet you can guess what the punishment is for dereliction of duty, Iman. You got it. The big falling blade and close haircut.)

3 If you are storming the Bastille, do not try to yell Liberté, égalité, fraternité in French. If you do, at best the noise will be too loud, and no one will hear you. At worst, you will be heard, and your American accent will give you away. (You wonder why everyone is so angry, Iain? They want their revolution to themselves without interference from Americans. If you continue to try and help you will. only be dispised later)

2 If you are storming the Bastille, do not suggest that it would make a beautiful condo after the storming. If you do, at best folks will think you are shell shocked. At worst, Maximilien Robespierre will overhear your idea. (You may wonder why ole Max gave you a card with the number one printed on it, Idi. You have been honored to be the first to give up your head for the revolution. There’s the guillotine line right over there. You just march right to the front. It’s your right.)

1 If you are storming the Bastille, do not throw away that stale baguette. If you do, at best you will still have a sword. At worst, that baguette would have made an excellent weapon, and now you are defenseless. (Everyone knows that a day old baguette can be used to drive nails, Ignace. Think of what a beautiful club it would have made.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First French Settlement in Quebec in 1608

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments
Quebec
Quebec flag – adopted 1950

 

Today marks the anniversary of the first French settlement in Quebec in 1608 by Samuel de Champlain. It might be fun to go there, but there are some things we need to be careful about. Take this list, and maybe you will avoid an international incident or a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First French Settlement in 1608

10 If you are at the settlement, do not think everyone should speak English. If you do, at best no one will talk to you. At worst, you might be called a Britanique and tossed out into the snow. (These French take their language seriously, Issac. Best not mess with them.)

9 If you are at the settlement, do not mess with Tiny the WWF champ’s Molson supply. If you do, at best, you’ll get a hand slap. At worst, you won’t have the use of your right arm for a few weeks. (Don’t be concerned, Ivan. The feeling should return. After all, no bones were broken.)

8 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for an order of Poutine (Cheese curds, French fries, and brown gravy) If you do, at best you’ll get some strange looks. At worst, you’ll describe the dish, and everyone will rush to leave the room. (Any wonder you scared them, Isaiah? Although the plate was developed in Quebec, it did not become popular until the 1950s.)

7 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for pancakes and maple syrup. If you do, at best you’ll get strange looks. At worst, your description of extracting sap and refining it into syrup will get you a few minutes in the dunk tank. (You have to remember, Ignacio. The giant Quebec maple syrup reserves are a modern development.)

6 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for a bag of milk. If you do, at best you’ll be led to a cow. At worse, once you describe your request, you will convince the locals that you need to be given a foot warming on the stake. (You keep getting the modern confused with the ancient, Irving. If you keep it up, you may never get out of there.)

5 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for directions to the nearest Tim Hortons. If you do, at best, you’ll get a vague finger point meaning, “Out there, Eh?” At worst, when you describe Tim Hortons, you will have the entire settlement up in arms for a donut. (They are looking to you to deliver, Ira. Best get cracking on a donut and coffee delivery. That one guy looks particularly anxious. Yeah, the one with the musket.)

4 If you are at the settlement, do not wish out loud for a box of KD. If you do, at best no one will hear you. At worst, a few will overhear your mutterings and want some too. (Now you have gone and done it, Isiah. You have created a demand for Kraft Dinner long before the product is available. Well, hopefully, they will all forget about it by the time it is introduced in 1937.)

3 If you are at the settlement, do not correct the spelling of certain words. If you do, at best they will be changed back. At worst, the speller will become angry with your attempts. (Even though you may think it is okay to correct the spelling to American usage, Ingmar. I would fetch your own coffee if I were you.)

2 If you are at the settlement, do not attempt to describe Justin Bieber. If you do at best, people will think you are joking. At worst, the elders will pass a resolution to hunt down anyone named Bieber. (You have made a time continuum mistake, Immanuel. Lucky the elders also agree to deport any Biebers to America where they will flourish for some unknown reason.)

1 If you are at the settlement, do refer to a monetary coin as a loonie. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh. At worst, the population will wonder where you came from and as a result will need to have an inquisition. (The fact that the Canadian one dollar “loonie’ was introduced in 1987 is not going to help you, Ida. I think you’re going to enjoy your time in the stocks. Better pray your butt holds out.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the opening of Grauman’s Chinese Theater in 1927

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

Grauman's Chinese Theater

 

Sunday marked the anniversary of the opening of Grauman’s Chinese Theater in 1927. The theater has been in continuous operation since then. The opening of the theater featured the premiere of Cecil B. DeMille’s King of Kings the story of the last five days of Jesus. If you have the luxury of traveling back to that time, take this list with you. It might save you a bit of trouble. Last week we talked about the first Academy Awards, so it looks like a return visit to Hollywood.

10 If you attend the opening, do not ask if you can buy a roll of Mentos. If you do, at best they will say, “never heard of them.” At worst, you have given away your time travel status. (Although you were too young or not on this Earth yet, Heike, but Mentos were introduced in the ’50s. Also, the theater did not start a concession stand until 1030. The usher has a funny look, and he is heading your way. Time to hit the Dusenburg.)

9 If you attend the opening, do not try to go under the velvet rope while Tiny the WWF champ is on usher duty. If you do, at best he will have taken his medicine today. At worst, he just came out of a briefing where the manager told the team to enforce the “no line cutting” policy at all costs. (I know it seems like you are pretty high up in the air, Heinz. Don’t worry, you will be coming down quickly after Tiny gets you outside. I would take a big breath if I were you.)

8 If you attend the opening, do not be overheard discussing the Star Wars premiere that was held here in 1977. If you do, at best the evesdropper will have no idea what you are talking about. At worst, the person listening is a conspiracy theorist and will report you to the cop standing by the entrance. (Good luck in explaining the term “Star Wars,” Hendrick. You might as well just hold out your hands and accept the cuffs with little fuss. You can always disappear later.)

7 If you attend the opening, do not ask that the volume be turned up. If you do, at best those around you will think you are joking. At worst, someone will get the idea that you are not from around here. (Since the film is silent, Henock you have raised suspicions. It presents a problem because you raised them during the crowd scene where the mob is getting out of control. Might be time to go.)

6 If you attend the opening, do not forget to check to see what Mary Pickford and Douglass Fairbanks look like. If you do, at best you’ll not run into them. At worst, one of them will ask for a light at the intermission, and you’ll have no idea who they are. (Now that you are on the front curb, Henrick you might recall they are not only present-day film stars but also part owners of the theater. Yeah, and both are narcissists as well. That’s why you were tossed out. Oh, and the fact you did not have a light helped make the decision to bounce you.)

5 If you attend the opening, do not leave your Dusenburg parked out front. If you do, at best the police will give you a warning. At worst, your precious antique will be hauled away to the impound lot. (Yes they did that back then, Henryk. Also, the front is reserved for Rolls Royces.)

4 If you attend the opening, do not attempt to pay for your ticket with your visa card. If you, at best the ticket taker will think you are joking. At worst, you will be trying to explain how a credit card can be used as money to the security guy who looks like Tiny’s brother. (Good luck explaining how the ATM backbone carries the financial information from the retailer to the bank. I think you are in hot water, Herald. The guy is talking about fraud charges. Oh, and keep that 21st-century money in your pocket too.)

3 If you attend the opening, do not sit behind the woman with the enormous hat. If you do, at best there will be another open seat. At worst, there are no seats, and you can’t see the subtitles on the screen. (Asking those around you what is happening will likely get a visit from the usher, Hermod. Even worse, a black eye.)

2 If you attend the opening, do not stand too close to a photographer if he is still using flash powder. If you do, at best, you might get dusty. At worst, you could catch a few sparks and lose your jacket. (There are some there using flashbulbs, Hesutu but those things tend to blow up and shoot glass everywhere. Needless to say, you don’t need to mention your iPhone flash.)

1 If you attend the opening, do not be tempted to take a couple of photos with your phone. If you do, at best you’ll cause a disruption. At worst, you’ll have people thinking you are from outer space. ( Go ahead and show Mary Pickford how lovely she is on your cell phone photo, Hiamovi. Once she comes to from fainting, maybe she won’t prosecute.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Applience and Furniture Shopping

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do

Since a better part of our time has been spent in Appliance and Furniture shopping lately,  I have picked up on a few hints of things to avoid. I hope you enjoy them. Again this week there are historical events that don’t really lend themselves to humor.

10 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not try out the cooktop with your favorite pasta recipe. If you do, at best you’ll have to feed the entire store. At worst, the manager will insist that now that you’ve stained it you own it. (Sad thing, Hyatt. You don’t even like this model. Oh well, ten years from now you can change it out.)

9 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not tell Tiny the WWF champ that in spite of store policy you insist on rolling the floor sample refrigerator out the front door. If you do, at best Tiny will help. At worst, Tiny just left the store meeting where the manager underscored the need to enforce store rules. (Tiny’s way of handling conflict does not bode well for your health, Hunt. I would make sure you have your health insurance card with you.)

8 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not think you can test the mattress overnight. If you do, at best you’ll be asked to leave at closing time. At worst, you manage to avoid store folks and are locked in for the night. ( Two things wrong with this situation, Huntley. One, the restroom is locked. Two, the motion detector is connected to the alarm which is connected to the SWAT headquarters. How do you like the smell of tear gas in the morning?)

7 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not test out the couch while eating that jumbo hot dog. If you do, at best your napkin is secure. At worst, a small slip of mustard turns into a couch in your living room. (Too bad you didn’t want a white sofa with a mustard accent, Hassan. Think of what a great conversation piece it is going to be.)

6 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not mention the warranty. If you do, at best the clerk won’t follow-up. At worst, you’ll be forced to listen to an hour presentation. (Makes you not want to buy the appliance, Horus. After all, if it needs an additional warranty maybe it’s not worth it.)

5 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not sit on a chair is smaller than you. If you do, at best it is stronger than you think. At worst, your bulk caused the chair to give way. (Lucky you, Hewitt. That chair was one of a kind made in France in the 1700s by the designer to Louis XIV. Better call the bank for a loan.)

4 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not touch the blender. If you do, at best it is unplugged. At worse, you hit the puree button, and the whole thing goes airborne. (At least there was nothing in the blender, Habib. Think if there had been a tomato in the hopper ready for blending. As it is that scratch on the counter looks pretty bad.)

3 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not put your head in the oven. If you do, at best no one is looking. At worst, those coils on the underside of the top have a habit of catching hair. (So now we have the entire store over to the oven, Hadden. Not one person knows how to release you. Oh, wait here comes the fire department.)

2 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not go into the glassware section. If you do, at best you won’t move. At worst, you will turn around to leave and run into the seven-tier Waterford crystal goblet display. (That tragic sound of breaking glass announces doom, Hael.)

1 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not offer advice on things you do not understand. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worse, your suggestions will be taken, and you both will regret your decision. (Just what made you comment on that table, Hafgrim? You know your taste is in your mouth. Should be a friendly reminder to keep your opinions to yourself. Well, for the next twenty years that is.)

Ten Things Not to Do at the First Telephone Call in 1876

~ John W. Howell ~ 44 Comments

Top ten not to do.

 

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Yesterday marked the anniversary of the first telephone call made by Alexander Graham Bell in 1876. He famously said, “Watson, come here. I need you” to his assistant Thomas Watson. If you happen to have a time machine and can get there, take this list and maybe you can stay out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the first Telephone Call by John W. Howell ©2019

10 If you are at the first phone call, do not talk and laugh while Alexander is on the phone. If you do, at best you will be sushed. At worst, you will be sent to your room without dinner. (Why is it when someone gets on the phone you feel ignored, Gunner. Don’t worry the call only took two seconds.)

9 If you are at the first phone call, do not cut in the waiting line to make a call in front of Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best Tiny will ask you to leave. At worst, Tiny who just finished his assertive class will palm your head as if it were a basketball. (You know what will come next, Garfield. It’s that melon squeeze thing he made famous at the circus.)

8 If you are at the first phone call, do not ask Alexander if he has thought of Caller ID. If you do, at best he will give you a funny look. At worst, he will ask you to explain how it works. (Go ahead, Gifford. Tell Alexander Graham Bell exactly how Caller ID functions. Cat got your tongue?)

7 If you are at the first phone call, do not try to talk your way into an operator’s job. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worst, Tom Watson will think you are taking his role. (Looks like old Tom has a pretty mean uppercut, Gregorie. Best not fool with him.)

6 If you are at the first phone call, do not try to call Alexander collect. If you do, at best he will think it’s a joke. At worst, he will block your number. (Now look what you’ve done Galin. Your phone number has been blocked for all eternity, and you have probably caused a rip in the time continuum.)

5 If you are at the first phone call, do not tell Alexander that he has won an all expense paid cruise. If you do, at best he will hang up. At worst, he will force you to make good on the offer. (So much for starting the first phone scam, Granger.)

4 If you are at the first phone call, do not try to phone prank, Alexander. If you do, at best he won’t bite. At worst, he knows where you live and has friends on the police force. (So much for the Prince Albert in a can joke, Gaagii. He was on to you immediately when he realized Prince Albert tobacco wasn’t available yet.) For the youthful readers, Prince Albert tobacco came in a can. The joke was to call a tobacco shop and ask, “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?” If the answer is, “Yes,” then the jokester would say, “Please let the poor fellow out.” Then the jokester and his buddies would fall about the place laughing.)

3 If you are at the first phone call, do not answer a call from Alexander on a speakerphone. If you do, at best he might disconnect. At worst, he will use his air horn to clear the line. (How is that hearing test coming along, Gabie. That horn had some decibel range huh?)

2 If you are at the first phone call, do not shout into the receiver. If you do, at best no one will be there. At worst the caller will think you are hard of hearing and You’ll end up in a shouting match. (That was a fun call, Gadi. Now go get a Ricola for that hoarse throat.)

1 If you are at the first phone call, do not think Alexander Graham Bell is a telemarketer. If you do, at best you won’t hang up. At worst, you will disconnect from a very historic call. (You could have been written into history, Gaillard. Instead, you are being cursed by Alex himself.)