This week marks the 136th anniversary of the completion of the Washington Monument.

The Washington Monument was started on July 4th, 1832, and because of money shortfalls and the Civil War wasn’t completed until December 6th, 1884. So it isn’t any wonder that we should go and see the last piece of the construction put in place. We need to take our list of the Top Ten Things Not to Do to not cause any kind of time continuum interruption. Grab the list and jump in the Oldsmobile, and we’ll be off.

TopTen Things Not to Do at the Completion of the Washington Monument in 1884

10 If you go, do not offer to place the eight-inch aluminum point on the top. (If you do, at best, you’ll be laughed at. To St Louis. At worse, you will ask Lt. Col. Casey of the Army Corps of Engineers. (It was Lt. Col. Casey who supervised the construction of the final piece of the monument, Morrison. He is the one to place the point. If looks could kill.)

9 If you go, Do not get in Tiny the WWF champ’s way as he lowers the capstone in place. If you do, at best, someone will pull you out of the way. At worst, Tiny will lower it in place anyway. (You see, Morse the capstone weighs 3,300 pounds. I think Tiny wouldn’t mind seeing what a flat you would look like sailing off the monument.)

8 If you go, do not torture other visitors with the question, Do you know why the monument is 555 feet high? If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, you’ll ask someone who knows but is chilled to the bone in the cold air. (That person will tell you that the height was determined by setting it at ten times the base’s width. That person is now asking for your gloves, Morvan. I think they have earned them._

7 If you go, do not ask if you can take the elevator to the top. If you do, at best, those you ask will think you are drunk. At worst, they’ll think you are having an episode of some kind. (The elevator was not complete until 1888, Moshe. Even the iron stairs were not done until 1886, so these folks are wondering. Oh, look. They have guys in white jackets and are pointing your way.)

6 If you go, do not take a bet on how many marble and granite stones were used in the construction. If you do, at best, you’ll bet a penny. At worst, you’ll put your Maryland horse farm up as collateral. (Even though you thought you knew history, Mosi. Your guess was wrong. It took 36,000 blocks of granite and marble to build the monument. Those big guys look like they want the deed to your virtual horse farm, which, of course, you don’t have. Maybe it’s time to jump back into the Oldsmobile.)

5 If you go, do not ask to see the cornerstone. If you do, at best, you’ll get some surprised looks. At worst, you’ll be handed a shovel. (The cornerstone was buried 21 feet below the surface in 1848, Muni. I think these guys are beginning to believe you are some kind of anarchist. I would be careful if I were you. Those tar and feather parties are not much fun.)

4 If you go, do not give an opinion that the laying of the cornerstone in 1848 was a solitary affair. If you do, at best, whoever hears this chatter will not have attended. At worst, you say so in front of someone who was there. (The cornerstone was laid with upwards of 20,000 people in attendance, including President James K. Polk, Mrs. James Madison, Mrs. Alexander Hamilton, George Washington Parke Custis, and future presidents Buchanan, Lincoln, and Johnson, Murchadh. This person is laughing at you now.)

3 If you go, do not point out the apparent ring of different colored stones at the 126th foot level. If you do, at best, you’ll get a “so what.” At worst, you say something overheard by Lt. Col. Casey. (The different color stones resulted from the quarry near Baltimore not being available after the construction was begun again. Different stones were used, and the color was slightly off. The Lt. Col. is so pleased to have you point this out, Mychajlo. I see him with a box of dueling pistols. Could it be he wants satisfaction?)

2 If you go, do not argue with those who say the completed monument is the tallest building in the world. If you do, at best, people will walk away. At worst, you might get into fisticuffs with one. ( You see, Myrick, once the monument was complete, it became the tallest building in the world. It was second only to the Cologne Cathedral. It kept this status until the Eiffel Tower was completed in 1889. Looks like that guy is putting on some gloves. Hope you know how to box.)

1 If you go, do not question the value of the aluminum apex. If you do, at best, those who hear you will think you are crazy. At worst, Lt. Col. Thomas Lincoln Casey will hear you. ( The aluminum apex was thought to be as valuable as silver. It was cast in Philadelphia and thought to be the largest piece of aluminum in the world. After casting and before installation, it was put on display at Tiffany’s in New York. Looks like the Col wants a word with you, Matthew.)

***

Today is the 79th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor and time to remember all who lost their lives on that Sunday morning.

 

 

 

This week marks the 134th anniversary of the first revue stages at the Folies Bergere theater in Paris in 1886. The show was quite a hit, and we certainly want to be there. Grab the list of the Top Ten things not to do so we don’t cause a time continuum tear. Hop in James’s Oldsmobile, and let’s go.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Folies Bergère Revue in 1886 by John W. Howell © 2020

10 If you go, do not gape at the scantily clad dancers. If you do, at best, they will think you’re ill. At worst, you might collect a slap from one of the chorus members. (It seems, Mohsen, that you attracted the attention of Bertha, who was previously with Ringling  Brothers Circus. She used to box with the big Grizzley bear. Good luck with your relationship.)

9 If you go, do not laugh at the antics of Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, he won’t be able to pick you out of the crowd. At worst, Tiny believes he is a serious performer and is now wondering why you are laughing at his performance of Pagliacci. (Of course, you and Tiny know Pagliacci first premiered in 1892, but that didn’t stop him from wailing out what he thought was a fine opera. He is looking for you, Monroe. He said something about high dive. Let’s just say it doesn’t sound like a good thing.)

8 If you go, do not ask what the title of the revue, “Place aux Jeunes,” means in English. If you do, at best, you will ask an older person. At worst, you will ask a young person. (You see, Montague, “Place aux Jeunes” means a place for young people. You know folks who don’t mind a little nudity in their shows. That person you asked is talking to the gendarm over there. The term pervertir keeps coming up. It might be time to leave.)

7 If you go, do not think you can have a feather as a souvenir. If you do, at best, you’ll get a hand slap. At worst, that feather was the cornerstone for the whole costume. (This is a fine kettle of fish you have gotten us into, Montay. Even though it is 1886, causing a person to lose their costume is a serious offense. I hear a bunch of people running your way. It might be good to go the other way for now.)

6 If you go, do not think you can take the stage and sing along. If you do, at best, you’ll fall into the orchestra pit. At worst, your off-tune singing will cause the entire show to stop. (Well, Montez. Believe it or not, the 200 or so who have paid for admission are not pleased about this circumstance. I hear someone calling for tar and feathers. A very tough combination to get off.)

5 If you go, do not ask about the acrobats. If you do, at best, no one will know what you are talking about.  At worse, you’ll ask Édouard Marchand. (Marchand was the guy who took a different direction with the Folies, Montrel. He had the idea of an elaborate review featuring women. He will point out to you that acrobats, circus acts, and boxing kangaroos all played at the Folies in the 1870s. He now wants to know if you want your money back. I would tell him no.)

4 If you go, do not ask about the artists Manet and Toulouse-Lautrec. If you do, at best, no one will know them. At worse, you will ask the barmaid. (Now you have given away your status as a time traveler, Moor. Both artists painted famous paintings using the Folies as subject material. In fact, Manet’s A Bar at the Folies-Bergère, painted in 1882, is of that girl. Manet died a year later. This painting did not become famous until long after 1886.)

3 If you go, do not order Absinthe at the bar. If you do, at best, they will be out. At worse, they are having a happy hour special. (You better be careful, Moreley. Absinthe contains the chemical compound thujone made up of a ketone and a monoterpene present in the spirit in trace amounts and was blamed for its alleged harmful effects. That theory has been debunked, but why chance it. Oh, I see. A little too late on the warning. Happy trails to you.)

2 If you go, do not make a bet about how many costumes sets and people are involved in the shows. If you do, at best, you only bet a little. At worst, you put up your virtual farm in Les Baux-de-Provence. (Of course, you lost, Morgen, since who would be able to guess 40 sets, 1000 costumes, and 200 people. I shape you have a virtual deed to your virtual lavender farm.)

1 If you go, do not mention that the show Place Aux Junes does not have the word Folie and thirteen letters like all shows at the Folies Bergère. (Another faux pas, Morpheus. That tradition was established 100 years ago, so you are about 34 years too soon. Don’t worry, I think these guys like the idea anyway.)

This week marks the 93rd anniversary of the beginning of the construction of Mount Rushmore in the Black Hills National Forest in South Dakota. We should go there to mark this historic occasion. We do need to take our list of the things we should avoid doing so that we will not inadvertently put a tear in the time continuum. Let’s all get on board and get ready for an exciting trip.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Start of Construction of Mount Rushmore in 1927 by John W. Howell

10 If you go, do not stand under the ‘falling rocks’ sign. If you do, at best, the dynamite process has not started yet. At worst, you will need to get a very hard hat. (Just like a tourist, Marton. You see a sign that says not to do something, and you do it. Hope that boulder heading your way is a close miss and not a direct hit.

9 If you go, do not accompany Tiny, the WWF champ, as he climbs to the top of the Black Hills. If you do, at best, you both will make it safely. At worst, Tiny, who has a severe case of agoraphobia, might panic at any moment. (The sad thing is, Marylu when Tiny panics, he tends to throw things off of high places. Now that I mentioned that, it looks like he has changed and is now prepared to throw people off high places. Hope the landing is gentle.

8 If you go, do not tell Sculptor Gutzon Borglum that you think the figures on the mountain should be Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, and Lincoln. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, he will offer you a ride in a handbasket to the top. (You see, Massimo, Borglum wanted to have Lewis and Clark, Sacagawea, Oglala Lakota chief Red Cloud, Buffalo Bill Cody, and Oglala Lakota chief Crazy Horse. He was overruled by South Dakota historian Doane Robinson who thought up the idea.)

7 If you go, do not ask Gutzon when he thinks the project will be finished. If you do, At best, he’ll walk away. At worst, he will sit you down and describe in detail what needs to be done. (The project started in 1927, Mateus and was halted in October 1941 after funds ran out. Gutzon Borglum died of an embolism in March 1941. His son, Lincoln Borglum, continued the project until it was halted.)

6 If you go, do not mention to Gutzon that only the heads of the figures would be depicted on the mountain. If you do, at best, Gutzon will think you are joking. At worst, you will get into an argument with Gutzon. (The original plan called for the Presidents to be finished to the waist, Matias. When fining ran out, the work stopped. I see Gutzon is talking to some pretty big looking workers and pointing this way. You might want to get off the mountain under your own power.)

5 If you go, do not ask how much all this is going to cost. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, you will be overheard by Doane Robinson, the originator of the idea. (The matter of funding was turned over to a Congressional delegation and Calvin Coolidge. It was finally funded in 1925. Just for the record, Mats the whole thing cost $$989,992.32, which would be over $14 Million today)

4 If you go, do not only compliment Gutzon Borglum for the work going on. If you do, At best, none of the 400 workers will hear you. At worst. you will be overheard by Luigi del Bianco, the head carver. (Luigi did a lot of the work, Mattius. He Used dynamite and then a process called ‘honeycombing.’ This involved drilling holes spaced a short distance apart and then chipping the rock away. Luigi wants you to hold his pneumatic hammer for a minute. I wouldn’t if I were you.)

3 If you go, do not make bets about the amount of rock removed from the mountain. If you do, at best, no one will be interested. At worst, you have some takers. (Now the problem is how do you either collect winnings or pay losings, Maur. When the final tally is in, you may or may not be able to come back. I think the best thing s for you to stay until it is finished. I see a lot of the workers agree with me. By the way, the correct guess is 410,000 tons.)

2 If you go, do not try to measure the lights of the Presidents. If you do, at best you won’t find a way to do it. At worst, someone will give you a rope. (I thing dangling on the end of a rope with a tape measure is a little risky, Mauro. Maybe you should just get back to the top and forget it. The answer is sixty feet. There satisfied?)

1 If you go, do not ask Gutzon Borglum why the mountain is not named Borglum instead of Rushmore. If you do, at best, Gutzon will be busty planting dynamite. At worst, he’ll want you to light the fuse. (Mount Rushmore was named after wealthy investor Charles E. Rushmore who visited the area repeatedly in 1885, Maverick. It was made official in 1930 by The United States Board of Geographic Names. Goes to show not what you know but who. Of course, the name was originally Six Grandfathers given by the Lakota Sioux)

Since I ran out of time yesterday I needed to repeat a post from September 24th of 2018. I hope you enjoy it cause who knows you may have forgotten it.

More of the historical backdrop for this set of Top Ten Things Not to Do. The Top Ten Things Not to Do Working on the First Transcontinental Railroad in 1869

10. If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not forget to double-check your measurements. If you do, at best, you can correct any mistakes before the East meets West. At worst, the Westbound group will be in Promontory Summit, Utah, and your Eastbound group will end up in Provo.  (You only missed the union by a few hundred miles, Ferris. Maybe you can cut over before the three-foot snows.)

9 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not borrow Tiny the WWF champ’s sledge-hammer. If you do, at best Tiny will not know you have it. At worst, Tiny has been seeking help for his inability to let things go but has not covered the part dealing with possessions. (If you can, Forest, I would sneak that hammer back into Tiny’s tent since it looks like he is in stage ten of a meltdown looking for it.)

8 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not forget your gloves. If you do, at best you might be able to buy a pair. At worst, you will be using a shovel to dig out the rail bed for twelve hours a day. (It might be a good idea to get those hands wrapped somehow, Fredrik. Otherwise, I think you may be out of a job.)

7 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not light up your cigar as you are pouring gunpowder into the blasting holes. If you do, at best, the wind will save you. At worst, you will get a lesson in flight long before the Wright brothers. (That ringing in your ears means you are lucky to be here, Fakhir.)

6 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not complain about the food. If you do, at best, no one will listen. At worst, the cook, who is a graduate of the Culinary Institute, has a huge knife and very tender feelings. (I think it might be time to try out those new running shoes, Flint. I don’t think an apology is going to work this time.)

5 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not decide to sleep out on the prairie even though the stars are beautiful at night. If you do, at best, the mosquitoes will carry you back to camp. At worst, your slumber will be disturbed by growling noises you never heard before. (Those are wolves, Finnigan. Playing possum is not going to help. I would get up and run screaming back to camp.)

4 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, I would not try to introduce smores at the nightly campfire. If you do, at best, your fellow workers won’t pay attention. At worst, you won’t have enough to go around, and the resulting riot will get you fired. (Now that you are way out here, Findlay, how you going to get back to San Francisco?)

3 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not start singing, “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.” If you do, at best, you won’t remember the words and will stop. At worst, you’ll get to the part about Dina blowing her horn, and the rest of the workers will want to know who Dina is. (Looks like you have a credibility problem, Flynn. Everyone wants to meet Dina. You better figure out who is going to play Dina.)

2 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not think you can organize a union of workers. If you do, at best, your boss will stop you before you get too far. At worst, the railroad company and the government will escort you off the job and on to a buckboard heading back to civilization. (I guess no one told you, Fabian, that this was going to be dangerous, unsafe, hard work, and you would only get minimum wage.)

1 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not party too hard after the last spike is driven. If you do, at best, you will have a killer headache the next day. At worst, you might miss the train back to your city. (Well, Fachnan, it looks like you might be asking the local tribe of Native Americans if they have room for a blood brother. Don’t be too surprised if they are less than friendly. You just finished a railroad through their land without their permission.)

Happy Labor day to everyone and especially to those who work to keep our lives normal. To those out of work, a wish for this COVID mess to end.

This week marks the 64th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s first appearance on the Ed Sullivan show in 1956. You know we all want to be there, so I would suggest we take James’ (from Eternal Road – The final stop) 1956 Oldsmobile and attend the performance. So that we won’t cause a tear in the time continuum, we need to take the list of things not to do. Trust me, it will keep us all out of trouble. So crank up the Olds, and let’s go.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Elvis’ First Appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show in 1956.

10 If you go, do not ask the producer how pleased Ed is to have Elvis on his show. If you do, at best, he will be distracted. At worse, he will spare no words in describing Ed’s displeasure. (Here’s the thing, Maksimillian. Ed tried to keep Elvis off his show, but others were getting such good ratings that he had to relent. He is not a happy camper, and here come some massive men. I think they want to show you out.)

9 If you go, do not tell Tiny, the WWF champ, that you think Elvis is king. If you do, at best, Tiny will be doing curls using the associate producer as a weight. At worse, Tiny, who has skipped the court-mandated group sessions for self-esteem and anger management, will think you are trying to make him feel bad. (Don’t worry, Maleko that so-called “Deadman’s Drop,” is just a label that Tiny gave to that hold. Hey Maleko, can you hear me?)

8 If you go, do not ask Ed’s accountant what he paid to have Elvis appear on his show. If you do, at best, the accountant is late for his therapy session and won’t have time to talk. At worst, the full impact of the amount will finally set in, and the accountant will need to sit down. (Now you’ve done it, Malone. The accountant has been trying to disassociate himself from the responsibility of paying $50,000 for three appearances. That’s  $476,289.00 in today’s dollars. I think he is now catatonic.)

7 If you go, do not tell the producer anything about the expected ratings. If you do, at best he won’t believe you. At worst, the magnitude of the number of viewers will cause the producer to pass out. (The number of viewers for the first show was about 60 million, Malvin. That was 82.6 % of all people capable of watching the broadcast. The ratings were the best in two years, and the show was one of the highest watched of the 1950s)

6 If you go, don’t question the fact that we are going to Los Angles instead of the Ed Sullivan theater in New York. If you do, at best, someone will tell you to be patient. At worst, you’ll be kicked out of the Olds before we start. (The situation is this, Manasseh. Elvis is filming “Love Me Tender” in LA. So his portion of the show will originate from the CBS studio in Los Angles. You still want to go see the show in New York? All you’ll get is a tap dance duo and a couple of tumblers)

5 If you go, do not keep asking the whereabouts of Ed Sullivan. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, someone will finally tell you to mind your own business. (Ed Sullivan was in a horrific car accident and is at home recovering, Mandeville. Charles Laughton is filling in for him tonight. If you don’t know who that is, Google it when you get back to 2020.)

4 If you go, do not ask the producer if Elvis is going to sing, “All Shook Up.” If you do, at best, he won’t know what you are talking about. At worst, he will wonder where you came up with that title. (All Shook up wasn’t released until 1957 a year later, Manfrit. On the first show, Elvis sang “Don’t Be Cruel,” Little Richard’s “Reddy Teddy,” “Hound Dog,” and “Love Me Tender.” I think you ought to go wait in the car.)

3 If you go, do not try to convince everyone that the song “Love Me Tender” is going to be a bust because it is a ballad. If you do, at best everyone will be interested in the show and will ignore you. At worst, everyone will listen to you and place bets you are wrong. (Sad to say, Manneville. You owe a lot of money. Love me Tender sold one million records after Elvis sang it on the show. This was before it was released. You just had to take those bets, didn’t you?)

2 If you go, do not ask the producer if he can keep the audience quiet. If you do, at best, the producer won’t hear you for the screaming fans. At worst, the producer will give you some sage advice. (The suggestion is right up there with “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” I see he is offering to let you out of the back door. Next time, Manning just go with. the hysteria.)

1 If you go, do not try to tell the reviewer from Time magazine that Elvis is a great performer. If you do, at best, the reviewer will walk away. At worst, the reviewer will think you are working for Elvis and will call security. ( Before the security guys get here, Mano you need to know this particular reviewer wrote, “When it was over, parents and critics, as usual, did a lot of futile grumbling at the vulgarity of this strange phenomenon that must somehow be reckoned with.”  So it was not all bad. Look, the guards are here. Go along quietly.)

 

This week marks the  185th anniversary of the appearance of the first in a series of six articles in the New York Sun newspaper announcing the supposed discovery of life on the moon. Now, we cannot miss going there to get a feeling of how folks back then could have been fooled by such a story. So that we don’t disrupt the time continuum we need to take the usual list of what not to do.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Great Moon Hoax of 1835

10 If you go, do not laugh out loud when you read the first installment. If you do, at best, folks will think you are reading about the latest divorces. At worst, the editor Benjamin Day will think you have caught on to the hoax. (You see, Macon the paper was founded in 1833, and the articles about life on the moon were written by Richard Adams Locke as satire in response to some other ideas put forward at the time. If Day knows you know, he might have to figure out a way to silence you. Oh, oh, who are those men in black suits?)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if he has seen any men form the moon. If you do, at best Tiny won’t be paying attention. At worst, Tiny, who has had one wrestling match over the line, will think you are teasing him. (One of the descriptions of men from the moon describes them as furry winged, bats. Tiny hates things that could get caught in his hair. He is planning to use you to swat them out of the air. Don’t worry Maddock, we all know they aren’t real. Yeah, you are right. Tiny might let you go if he gets tired, spinning your around while holding your legs. Yup, it might hurt.)

8 If you go, do not ask Benjamin Day how he can afford to sell his paper for a penny. If you do, at best he’ll ignore you. At worst, since he made the decision to appeal to the working class, he’ll consider you as a bourgeoise member of the leisure class. (So he didn’t answer your question, Madog. Don’t feel bad.  His price of a penny (26¢ today) was so working folks could have a paper. Other papers cost 5¢ ($1.04). He doesn’t like the leisure class much.)

7 If you go, do not ask Day about the other content of the newspaper. If you do, at best, Day will be busy. At worst, Day will think you are working for the New York Times. (Day decided that his low-income readership would like to know more about life than book reviews and the theater. He was the first to send out reporters to cover crimes, suicides, deaths, and divorces. He is now talking to those two big guys dressed in black, Maged. I don’t think your departure is going to be all that dignified)

6 If you go, do not question the so-called facts in the story. If you do, at best, the noise level in the room will drown you out. At worst, you could question the facts within earshot of the Reverand Thomas Dick. (Not only does the Reverand have an unfortunate name, Maher, but he has also published a number of best-selling books where he describes the moon as having 4.2 billion inhabitants. The story was written as a tongue in cheek jibe at the Reverand. Yes, I would say he is angry. Yes, that does look like a gun.)

5 If you go, do not start a Go Fund Me campaign for a trip to the moon. If you do, at best, everyone will think you are joking. At worst, Benjamin will want to put a quick stop to your efforts. (Day is very happy with the newspaper sales and views your efforts as potentially damaging. (If everyone decided to go to the moon, Mai, they would lose interest in the stories, and the sales would fall. Looks like the sheriff has been called. Something about unlicensed fundraising.)

4 If you go, do not start selling souvenirs from the moon. If you do, at best, you’ll get no buyers. At worst, you’ll be asked to authenticate the objects as being from the moon. (The articles in the newspaper detailed descriptions of the moon’s amethyst crystals. I guess you could use those descriptions as proof of authenticity, Mairtin. Just stay out of Benjamin Days way, though. He’ll want a cut of the profits.)

3 If you go, do not start describing how delicious a Royal Crown Cola and Moon Pie are together. If you do, at best no one will get it. At worst, everyone will want some. (Now you are in trouble, Majid. Royal Crown Cola was first made in 1905, and the moon pie was invented in 1917. Maybe you could whip something up before that crowd of hungry onlookers pay you a visit.)

2 If you go, do not demonstrate your version of Michael Jackson’s moonwalk. If you do, at best everyone will have left. At worst, you will shock the crowd into disbelief. (You also will have a tough time explaining just how you came to invent what will be known as Makani’s moonwalk, Makani. Whatever happened to trying to prevent a tear in the time continuum.)

1 If you go, do not try to help a group of Yale scientists who have come to review the information behind the stories. If you do, at best they won’t believe you. At worst, the scientists would learn from you enough to blow the whole story. (Calm down, Maklolm. Yes, the scientists did come to investigate. The New York Sun staff kept them so busy they went back to Yale, never knowing the stories were a hoax. So you did not cause a tear, and the paper admitted the stories were fake a month later.)

 

This week marks the anniversary of the discovery of gold in the Yukon territory in Canada in 1896. This was the last big gold strike in North America. We don’t want to miss out on the opportunity. As always, we need to take the list to ensure we don’t make any errors that could cause a time continuum tear. Grab the list and a canteen, and we’ll be off.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Yukon Gold Stike in 1896 by John W. Howell © 2020.

10 If you go, do not buy one of those mining kits called “Yukon Outfits” that are being sold everywhere. If you do, at best, maybe something will come in handy. At worst, you will have spent a pretty penny on useless equipment. (Oh look, Malachi. You have a can of beans in that kit. It might be nice to have a can opener.)

9 If you go, do not cross that line in the sand drawn by Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, you’ll have a gift for Tiny. At worst, Tiny will assume you are trying to jump his claim. (The big problem with Tiny, Mika is his inability to restrain himself once he gets agitated. Sure, you can try to talk him out of tossing you into the bottomless ravine, but history says you won’t be successful. Oh look, I think you made Tiny smile. Nope, just gas.)

8 If you go, do not think you are the only one going. If you do, at best, you may find an unclaimed spot. At worst, you’ll get there and have nowhere to mine for gold. (You see, Milan. Once the word got out, over 50,000 miners converged on the scene in the first two years. There was minimal unclaimed land)

7 If you go, do not ask the young miner Jack London how his mining is going. If you do, at best, he will think you are talking to someone else. At worst, he’ll try to sell you his claim. (Jack London was 21 and not very successful as a miner, Monte. He did write his first book in 1900. It was a collection of short stories about his mining experiences titled  The Son of Wolf. You should have gotten his autograph.)

6 If you go, do not ask George Carmack how his claim is doing. If you do, at best he won’t answer. At worst, he will pull out his .44 and ask you why you want to know. (You should know Merrick that George Carmack, along with his brother in law Skookum Jim and nephew Tagish Charlie was the guy who went salmon fishing in the Yukon and first discovered nuggets of gold. He eventually pulled out over a million dollars worth. Which today would be worth $30,000,000.)

5 If you go, don’t tell anyone that you think the gold may run out. If you do, at best they won’t believe you. At worst, you might cause a panic among the miners. (In fact, Mac. several miners sold their claims to mining companies who continued to mine for gold as late as 1966. Today there are still 200 small mines operating in the area.)

4 If you go, do not forget your warm clothes. If you do, at best you can borrow some. At worst, no one will loan you anything, and it is 60 degrees below zero. (I would say you need to pull that lever marked “home,” MacGillivray. If not you are going to freeze to death.)

3 If you go by boat like most and land at Skagway Alaska, do not think you can ride to the goldfields. If you do, At best someone will set you straight. At worst, you won’t realize that it is a 550-mile walk. (Also, the Canadian government won’t let you cross the border without at least 2000 pounds of supplies. So here you are Machau. You need to figure out how to lug 2000 pounds and walk 550 miles before you can even look for gold. I think it is time to head home since the store seems to be out of mules right now.)

2 If you go, do not believe Nikola Tesla that his x-ray machine will find gold without digging. If you do, at best you still won’t buy it. At worst, you will purchase the device. (As could be expected Mackinley, the machine proved worthless unless the gold was sitting on top of the ground. Obviously, if it was on top of the ground, you wouldn’t need the machine. Now go ask Nick for your money back.)

1 If you go, do not think you are going to get rich. If you do, at best you won’t lose all the money you have. At worst, you’ll be one of those who sold everything they had to go gold mining and lost it all. (It may surprise you to know, MacLaren that of the 100,000 men who headed for the Yukon, only 50,000 made it to the goldfields. Out of that number, only 4000 actually found gold. Even so, the amount of gold discovered was over a billion dollars worth in today’s value.)