Category: top ten things not to do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Beach in Freezing Weather

~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

Cold temps

 

The inspiration for this list is two-fold. One, we have had two nights of sub-freezing temperatures with daytime highs in the 30’s. Two, we have some people from up North who visit each winter. They are called “Winter Texans” and continually provide examples of what not to do. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not insist on wearing shorts and flip-flops. If you do, at best folks will think you are nuts. At worst, your blue knees and feet will frighten small children. (I know it’s 40 below in Minot. That is about the same temperature as 29 on the beach.)

9 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think a beach fire will offset the cold. If you do, at best one side of you will be thawed. At worst, those winds will whip embers into the bed of your pickup to meet up with that gas can you keep there. (You don’t even have a boat so what’s up with the gas can Dudley?)

8 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think the sixty-degree water will warm you if you go in. If you do, at best you’ll get the surprise of your life. At worst, you will need to call 911 and have the EMS crew standing by with thermal blankets. (Also the institution will be nice and cozy while you are under psychological observation, right Buford?)

7 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not try to salvage your vacation. If you do, at best all the games and beach toys will be useful someday. At worst, your family will not speak to you for a month. (It only took three hours to get their body temperatures back to normal, Idiot.)

6 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think that tent is going to keep you warm. If you do, at best you’ll find a nice motel room after two hours. At worst, the thirty miles per hour wind will relocate your tent to the next county. (Hard to sleep with no shelter huh Bunky?)

5 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think that water in your camper tank will not freeze. If you do, at best you’ll need to wait for a drink. At worst, your tank which was a one piece is now two. (Amazing about that wind chill isn’t it, Camper Dan)

4 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not try to interest everyone in smores. If you do, at best the attractiveness of frozen smores is at best marginal. At worst your youngest got his tongue stuck on the metal marshmallow roasting fork. (The fire department wasn’t amused and the CPS officer wants to ask you some question about child abuse. Ferd)

3 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not try to cut the line at the packed coffee-house. If you do at best, you will be asked to leave. At worst, the guy you cut ahead of is Tiny the WWF champ who just left his anger management class after receiving an F on his final exam. (Looks like you might need some help, Buster)

2 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not rent a golf cart thinking it a good way to stay warm while on the beach. If you do, at best you’ll wish you had heavier coats. At worst, you will try to return the cart only to find the fee is nonrefundable. (Looks like you spent about a hundred dollars an hour for something you should not have rented in the first place.)

1 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, resist the temptation to cruise the beach in your big ‘ole dually pickup truck. At best, you will not see anything. At worst, you will spew enough diesel smoke to take out a pack of seagulls. (Why not just stay in your travel trailer and wait until tomorrow when it will be eighty degrees)

Top Ten Excuses Not to Use For Skipping Work

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

Ten Reasons not to go to work

 

The inspiration for this list comes from the memory of having to return to the day job after a long weekend like we are having now. It seems the wounds are just beginning to heal and it is time to go back to battle only to be reopened again. This list has been developed so that the temptation to stay home on Tuesday is successfully avoided.

Top Ten Excuses Not to Use For Skipping Work

10 If you want to skip work, do not tell the boss your dog ate your driver’s license. If you do,  at best your boss will wonder why you can’t take public transportation. At worst, your boss will send a car only to discover that you are still in your pajamas. (What made you think the boss was going to be working and allow you to stay home huh, Bunky?)

9 If you want to skip work, do not call in holding your nose to support your sickness claim. If you do, at best the boss will think you were overserved over the holiday. At worst, you will get a call from human resources with your appointment at the substance abuse treatment center. (That went well didn’t it, Bosco?)

8 If you want to skip work, do not blame the weather for not getting to the office. If you do, at best you will be the only one not at the office. At worst, the weather that you thought was going to hit your town moved out of the area. (Here you are looking at the sun trying to explain the absence of snow, sleet, and ice. Better luck next time, Buford.)

7 If you want to skip work, do not blame a mechanical failure of your auto. If you do, at best some boss sycophant will volunteer to come get you. At worst, you’ll be at the drive through for lunch, and your boss will be in the car behind you. (At least you got the morning before you magically made the repair. Right Bucky?)

6 If you want to skip work, do not pretend you are out-of-town, and the planes are all grounded. If you do, at best there will be some bad weather somewhere, and you picked it right. At worst, just after hanging up with the boss, a newscast will come on extolling the fact that for the first time ever there were no flight delays. (Well, you will have an additional story to tell tomorrow. Right Bud. How about the fact that your plane was hijacked?)

5 If you want to skip work, do not use the excuse that your spouse is ill and needs care. If you do, at best the sympathy calls will give you little rest. At worst, the knowledge of the collection at work and the bouquet of flowers that shows up in the afternoon convince you to quit. (This was not the outcome you wanted. Or was it. Roscoe?)

4 If you want to skip work, do not report to the boss that you are telecommuting. If you do, at best you will get some additional assignments and be forced to work anyway. At worst, you will get a critical call that goes unanswered which triggers a massive shutdown of IT systems. (You forgot about the fail-safe hacking control. It is a shame since you set it up, Bubba)

3 If you want to skip work, do not report you have an off-site meeting with a customer. At best, you can always say the client canceled the meeting. At worst, you get a call from the boss who decided to meet you at the customer’s office letting you know the client is in Bangkok. (Now is the time to try to carry off the fact that you are in Bangkok as well. Good luck with that, Rube)

2 If you want to skip work, do not set up an elaborate scheme that includes throwing a punch at Tiny the WWF Champion. If you do, at best the detailed plan will fall through. At worst, your stay in the hospital will not compensate for the one day off. (Why you decided to throw a punch at Tiny is still being debated in the halls of the company. You did pick up some street cred, though, Buddy.)

1 If you want to skip work, do not enlist fellow workers as co-conspirators in whatever excuse you decide to use. If you do, at best you will owe the favor. At worst, the boss will get a confession out of the weakest link, and you will be given up in a heartbeat. (I guess you could have predicted the result. Couldn’t you Sucker?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Boarding your Pet

~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

Pet sitter

Photo: http://www.mollythecatlady.com

The inspiration for this list is the fact that a lot of folks are traveling for the holidays. Not every pet is comfortable with going along, so many owners place their pets in a boarding facility. Here are a few hints to keep the outside world from thinking you have clearly lost your mind. Yes, parting with your pet into the care of others is traumatic, but we need to exercise some element of dignity when surrendering the fur baby.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Boarding Your Pet

10 If you are boarding your pet, do not deliver them dressed in an outrageous costume. If you do, at best it may get lost. At worst, your pet will be marked as the one belonging to a crazy old person who thinks their pet is a child. ( Did you ever wonder why your pet is depressed when you come back. Huh Ferd?)

9 If you are boarding your pet, do not ask to meet all the other pets to see if there are any undesirables in the group. if you do, at best the staff will be too busy to accommodate you. At worst, you will see some characters that will give you nightmares. (This isn’t a country club, Bunky. Your pet has to face the reality of the real world)

8 If you are boarding your pet, do not try to make friends with other pets by passing out treats. If you do, at best the staff will ask you to stop. At worst, one of the pets getting a treat happens to be allergic to everything. (Looks like Tiny the WWF champion is heading your way after helping Brutus get rid of the treat. Hope that automatic door is working)

7 If you are boarding your pet, do not hand the staff a long list of things they need to do to make your pet happy. If you do, at best the list will hit the basket the moment you leave. At worst, the staff will realize that to take in your pet may be a monumental liability that they cannot accept. (Now you have nowhere else to go, Buster, since you’ve been banned from every other kennel.)

6 If you are boarding your pet, do not overstate the ability of your pet to get along well with others. If you do, at best your pet will be quarantined from playtime. At worst, you will be called back from your trip to answer a summons relating to your unfriendly pet. (Maybe you can explain to the court that to your knowledge your Great Dane never had a taste for Dashound.)

5 If you are boarding your pet, do not insist on leaving a picture of the family to keep it company. If you do, at best the staff will lose the image. At worst, your pet will not appreciate having to share the cramped space with the photo. (Wonder how it got so wet Buford?)

4 If you are boarding your pet, do not think by paying extra for a live video feed you have the right to call the facility at all hours of the night. If you do, at best your calls will go to voicemail. At worst, you will be banned from this facility and asked to come get your pet. (This is the last one in town Raymond. What are you going to do now?)

3 If you are boarding your pet, do not spend an inordinate amount of time saying goodbye, If you do, at best the staff will need to get your pet settled and may tell you to go. At worst, your pet will wonder what is going on and may have an anxiety attack. (Not a pretty picture of you and your pet sobbing on the floor of the reception area.)

2 If you are boarding your pet, do not include all their favorite toys. If you do, at best your pet will not play with most. At worst, other pets will find the toys more enjoyable, and they will be lost to the pack forever. (Makes you wonder how the toys got out into the general population.  Right Slick?)

1 If you are boarding your pet,  do not forget to have all the immunizations up to date. If you do, at best the facility has a resident vet and can take care of that for you. At worst, you will be canceling your trip since no facility will allow you entry. (Well too bad those tickets are not refundable)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Holiday Shopping

~ John W. Howell ~ 44 Comments

Holiday shopping

 

The inspiration for this list came from many visits to the retail world. Not that I have done all these things, but have seen them in real life.

Ten Things Not to Do While Holiday Shopping

10 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not even think of stealing a parking place. If you do, at best you might beat out an old lady. At worst, you may come back to a car that is only six inches tall. (Tiny the WWF champ took exception to you cutting him off to get his space)

9 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not help yourself from the Salvation Army pot. If you do, at best you’ll get a lump of coal as a present. At worse, you might be face to face with a furious Santa. (That gun was a surprise huh Ferd? Why do you think they use the term, “Army?”)

8 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not hog the gift wrap counter. If you do, at best the line behind you is short and filled with pacifists. At worst, you might be facing an unruly mob being lead by some jerk who keeps yelling, “Get a rope.”(Trading your gifts for freedom was an excellent idea, Rube)

7 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not ask passers-by their opinion on how something would look on your spouse.  If you do, at best their answers will be suspect. At worse, you might encounter a fragile soul who just left a personnel review at work and the biggest criticism was their inability to make a decision. (You sure got to witness what the term “Going Postal” means didn’t you Buford?)

6 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not wait until the last-minute. If you do, at best you will have to settle for less than what you wanted to give. At worst, your state f panic will escalate to the point that you are throwing money at anything that looks or smells expensive. (The Bengal tiger seemed like the perfect gift yesterday. Has anyone seen grandma?)

5 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not ask a stranger to take your family holiday card photo in front of the gigantic mall tree. If you do, at best you might have a close up of the stranger’s finger. At worst, the stranger might decide to give a camera just like yours as a gift. (Funny how that person disappeared into the crowd hey Bunkie?)

4 If you are holiday shopping, do not wear a Santa hat and that ugly holiday sweater. If you do, at best most will think you’ve escaped from the home. At worst, the local news affiliate will feature you on the nightly news during their “Hard Luck Holiday Stories” segment. (Although all the packages and free food that showed up at your door is a bonus)

3 If you are holiday shopping, do not think a long stop at the local bar is the place to start. If you do, at best you’ll skip the shopping till tomorrow. At worse, you will buy almost everything you see. (The only thing that stopped you was your credit card company insisting that the BMW dealer confiscate and cut up your card)

2 If you are holiday shopping, do not hire a personal shopper to do the work for you. If you do, at best your instructions will be followed. At worst, your personal shopper disagrees with your choices and take matters into their own hands. (Just how is little Jimmy going to be able to play that video game when he is only six months old?)

1 If you are holiday shopping, do not try to accompany your spouse on the same trip. If you do, at best they will always know where you’ve been. At worst, they know where you’ve been and do not approve, and you will be back to square one. (You did save two dollars on gas though tight wad)

Top Ten Things Not to do At The Dining Room Table

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

Dining room table

The inspiration for this list came from the just completed Thanksgiving feast. I was very observant and did not see any of these things at our dining room table. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 At the dining room table, do not burp out loud. If you do at best, you can recover with an “excuse me.” At worst, all the relatives will now have verified evidence that you are an animal. (They long suspected it was true and you just gave them confirmation, Ferd)

9 At the dining room table, do not help yourself to food from someone else’s plate. If you do, at best you’ll be told to stop. At worst, your cousin Tiny, the WWF champ, will demonstrate a new hold. (Quit whining. That hand will be okay once you get a cast, Bunky)

8 At the dining room table, do not chew your food with your mouth open. If you do, at best you will gross out your family. At worst, grandma will take the opportunity to lecture everyone on proper manners. (Nothing like a two-hour tutorial on chewing with your mouth closed to put everyone on edge)

7 At the dining room table, do not assume your hostess meant for you to eat the fruit and nasturtiums out of the centerpiece. If you do, at best you will be thought of as odd. At worst, your hostess will calmly advise everyone that the centerpiece is to be donated to the local old folks home and she would appreciate it if there was something left to give. (Your face and the red table runner are the same color, huh Wheezer)

6 At the dining room table, do not talk about sex, politics, or religion. If you do, at best no one will follow suit. At worst, you will be the root cause of a donnybrook that does not have a good ending. (Those police officers are here to escort you to the station, Bud. It seems your brother-in-law didn’t take kindly to the wine bottle bonk.)

5 At the dining room table, do not insist on rolling in the TV to watch football. If you do, at best this will be your last invitation to dinner. At worst, your table mates will shout to each other above the noise of the game, and it won’t be worth the hassle. (Did you ever think you should be on a deserted island, Buster?)

4 At the dining room table, do not text or otherwise use your phone. If you do, at best your family’s looks should make you stop. At worst, someone will finally pluck the phone from your hand. (If you’re lucky they won’t dump it in the gravy bowl)

3 At the dining room table, do not make any Earth-shattering announcements. If you do, at best the long silence will be a killer. At worst, everyone will be thrown into disarray and will surely be sorry for whatever they said in reaction later. (Surely you could have waited to announce you were running away to join the circus, Chum)

2 At the dining room table, do not do your best imitation of a strong silent type. If you do, at best the conversation will be on everything but your interests. At worst, your table mates will believe something is bothering you and won’t let it rest until you come clean. (They were sure surprised to learn that  what they see is what they get )

1 At the dining room table, do not think you need to race everyone to the finish. If you do, at best you’ll be waiting a long time for others to finish. At worst, the general impression will be that you haven’t had a good meal for a while. (That sure flies in te face of all that success bragging you were doing before dinner, huh Bruce?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Editing Your Book

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Editing

The inspiration for this list is, well frankly, my latest labor over the editing process. I hope you enjoy the list and, yes I have done some of these things.

Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Editing Your Book.

10 If you are editing, do not think glasses of wine make the work go easier. If you do, at best you’ll just have to do it over. At worst, you might inadvertently delete several chapters of your book under the belief that you have better ones in mind. (Aren’t you glad you had that backup file Goof-ball?)

9 If you are editing, do not think you can watch the football game while you work. If you do, at best you will catch all your mistakes on the second go around. At worst, you think you found them all only to discover in reading a review the question, “What does a touchdown have to do with the relationship?” (Hmm you can explain that can’t you Bunkie?)

8 If you are editing, do not decide to change a character’s name with “find and replace.” If you do, At best you’ll catch the ones missed. At worst, you will have a new character named JerryTinyO.” (That extra space sure made a difference. Oh, and Tiny would like to see you. He’s over at the gym straightening out horseshoes.)

7 If you are editing, do not believe long breaks will enhance your work. If you do, at best you will be editing this book forever. At worst, your continuity will go out the window, and your book will read like a short story collection. (You had not intended to publish short stories, did you Ferd?”)

6 If you are editing, do not ask your friends to read the new edits. If you do, at best the opinions will be so varied you’ll be confused. At worst, you will come to realize you need new friends and a new book. (You now wish you had just given it to an editor right?)

5 If you are editing, do not try to do the whole thing in one sitting. If you do, at best you will be exhausted. At worst, you may stop caring how the stupid book comes out and just want to get it done. (Your two-star reviews aren’t much of a reward are they?)

4 If you are editing, do not snack to reduce stress. If you do, at best you’ll need extra exercise hours. At worst, your snacking will resemble a runaway train from which there is no return. (Getting a grip is so much harder when there is more of you isn’t it?)

3 If you are editing, do not believe the rest of the family understands your pain. If you do, at best you’ll feel misunderstood. At worst, you will constantly be thinking of ways to take your angst out on your characters. (This book has taken on a sinister air hasn’t it Stephen?)

2 If you are editing, do not abandon personal hygiene. If you do, at best you will be alone. At worst, your family could be seeking council with the local mental health provider, and you’ll get more help than you need. (You can still type with that white jacket on right Buford?)

1 If you are editing, know when it is time to stop. If you don’t at best, you will never finish the book. At worst, you will suffer PETS (Post Editing Traumatic Ssyndrome) and never sleep again. (You need to stop going over the book in your head. It is published already.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fast Food Drive Through

~ John W. Howell ~ 34 Comments

Drive through

10 If you are going to a drive through, do not ask the order taker for a dining recommendation. If you do, at best you’ll get a repeat of the “how can I help you?” At worst, the order person will tell you to eat somewhere else. (Didn’t expect that did you? You better take the advice.)

9 If you are going to a drive through, do not ask for a description of the special of the day. If you do, at best there is no special. At worst, the order person will believe you are mocking their position and will get even. (Do not lift that lid on the soft drink just throw it away.)

8 If you are going to a drive through, do not tell the order taker that this is a to go order. At best, you won’t hear the comment since the mic is turned off. At worst, you’ll have to sit and listen to the laughter of the entire order crew and patrons as the order taker broadcasts “THIS IS A TO GO ORDER” over the loudspeaker. (What were you thinking? DRIVE THROUGH. Duh?)

7 If you are going to a drive through, do not ask for special handling of your sandwich. If you do, At best you’ll be asked to pull over. At worst, you will sit in the penalty box in the hot sun until the staff finally remembers you are there. (Your special handling request is forgotten as well)

6 If you are going to a drive through, do not joke about a wine pairing. If you do, at best you’ll confuse the order taker and will take more time. At worst, the order taker will seek out a manager to find the answer. (The manager’s name is Tiny and this is the fourteenth hour Tiny has been at work. Tiny was also the Class A high school wrestling champ in the state and had to relinquish the title because of anger issues. Bon appetite.)

5 If you are going to a drive through, do not change your order. If you do, at best you will get both. At worst, you will get the order of the car behind you which bears no resemblance to what you wanted. (You have to wonder how a burger that big can fit into a mouth.)

4 If you are going to a drive through, don’t forget to check your order. If you do forget, at best the only thing missing is a straw. At worst, that deep-fried chicken sandwich that you didn’t order triggers your cholesterol and blood pressure to new high levels. (“So how did we come to eat that thing?” is the question asked by your doctor. It is very sad that you try to blame the drive through.)

3 If you are going to a drive through, do not try to stock your condiment supply with a request for extra. If you do, at best you’ll get one more catsup, and that’s all. At worst, you will get too many catsups and not enough mustard and mayonnaise. (The charge for all of this will be on your credit card bill, and it will be way too much.)

2 If you are going to a drive through, do not answer “yes” to any questions regarding quantity. If you do, at best you will spend more and eat more. At worst, your three-week exercise program that had you feeling good will now need a reset. (How can something that only weighs twelve ounces put three pounds on your frame?)

1 If you are going to a drive through don’t wait until you get to the order spot to decide you are a vegan. If you do, at best there will be nothing on the menu for you. At worst, the cars behind you will raise an uproar as you search for an acceptable item. (That police officer heading toward you is responding to the manager who  finally gave up asking you for your order.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

Labor Day

 

In honor of Labor Day and since I’m currently preparing for the launch of Our Justice, I’ve decided to use the same blog as last year and boil the top ten list down to the most important items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. The remembrance includes we authors.

Top Ten Things Not to do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day have fun but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day all.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Realtor Open House

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

 

Open house

The inspiration for this list is having attended some realtor open houses and having an active imagination of the reaction of the realtor if one of the visitors should do any of the things on the list. I am entirely innocent.

10 If you attend a realtor open house, do not make yourself at home no matter what the salesperson says when you arrive. If you do, at best you’ll be asked to take you feet off the couch. At worst, the police will ask you once to get out of the shower and get dressed. (Don’t make them use that stun gun Bunky. You’ll look ridiculous on the nightly news especially buck naked.)

9 If you attend a realtor open house, do not think that pot on the stove is hot cider. If you do, at best the potpourri won’t make you sick. At worst, you’ll find the wood chips and cinnamon sticks aren’t as fun on the revisit. (That ER ipecac treatment was a close to waterboarding as you will get for a while.)

8 If you attend a realtor open house, do not think you can test the bed. If you do, at best you’ll be shown the door. At worst, your picture ends up at the Multiple Listing Service, and this will be your last open house. (You should have set an alarm before that nap.)

7 If you attend a realtor open house, do not make jokes about the home owner’s relative photos. If you do, at best no one will hear you. At worst, the realtor will rat you out to the owner. (You didn’t know this was your bosses house until you saw his photo last did you?)

6 If you attend a realtor open house, do not help yourself to one of the cookies in the kitchen. If you do, at best that is why they are on display. At worst, you are now painfully aware the cookies were props. (How long will you have to chew that wax before it goes bye-bye?)

5 If you attend a realtor open house, do not turn on the big game. If you do, at best the broker will ask you to turn it off. At worst, you will still be watching as the owners return to their house. (Pretty uncomfortable explaining how you came to turn the thing on in the first place. Oh and that beer just magically appeared.)

4 If you attend a realtor open house, do not open drawers to have a peek. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, you’ll go into the media room and be able to watch the security camera replay of your bathroom snooping. (Don’t even try to figure out how to erase the file. The central control is locked, and the owner is looking at your performance on a cell phone ten miles away.)

3 If you attend a realtor open house, do not be tempted to open the refrigerator. If you do open it, at best only the salesperson will know. At worst, the owners return home through the kitchen door just as you look inside the refrigerator. (Your comment about “nice looking pot roast leftovers,” does nothing to ease the tension.)

2 If you attend a realtor open house, do not be tempted to pick a flower or two no matter how lovely. If you do pick one, at best you can tell a fib about it being broken off. At worst, you have the flower in your hand and no way to hide the fact from the owner. (The owner happens to be named Tiny and stands seven feet tall and rushed out to his garden to find you with his favorite Zinnia in your hand. You should just fall down now.)

1 If you attend a realtor open house, no matter what, do not turn on the Jacuzzi. If you do, at best that broken switch will fail to operate. At worst, the broken return pipe will shoot water all over until the tub is dry. (Of course, you can’t turn it off either so you stand by helplessly watching the firefighters try to save the house from the burning lanai.)

Ten Things Not to Do at an ART Show

~ John W. Howell ~ 20 Comments

The inspiration for this list is some art shows going on here in South Texas. I can’t say I have done any of these things but have certainly witnessed some of them. I hope you enjoy.

Art show.

Ten Things Not to Do at an Art Show

10 If you are attending an art show, do not touch any of the art. If you do, at best you’ll be reprimanded by the artist. At worst, that blotch of tomato sauce from your stromboli which now sits on the piece of art marks it as yours. (You always wanted to own a painting with the obsessive/compulsive title “My Evil Obsession.” didn’t you Slick.)

9 If you are attending an art show, do not ask the artist if they give a discount. If you do, at best you will have to listen to a monologue about the value of hand-crafted art. At worst, you will be called certain names which you probably haven’t been called before. (That peyote sure gets those artist folks fired up doesn’t it?)

8 If you are attending an art show, do not sit in a chair that is clearly a work of art. If you do, at best you will be asked kindly to get up. At worst, you might face Tiny, the WWF ex-champ who is also a very close friend of the artist. (That crack you just heard better be a bone and not the chair.)

7 If you are attending an art show, do not interact with an exhibit that has a sign “Look but don’t touch.” If you do, at best nothing will break, and you’ll make a clean getaway. At worst, although fun the cost of that broken piece will keep you on peanut butter sandwiches for months. (Who ever heard of a wind-up toy that doesn’t wind up?)

6 If you are attending an art show, do not let your kids run helter skelter through the exhibits. If you do, at best the organizer will return them to you with a stern warning. At worst, your youngest will come screaming to you with a ransom note demanding payment before the release of the others. (A bit costly for a few minutes entertainment. Wouldn’t you say?)

5 If you are attending an art show, do not pick up objects to see how they feel. If you do, at best you’ll be lucky and not drop one. At worst, that eagle feather that looked so light will turn out to be made of concrete that unfortunately broke in two as it took out the mirror covered table. (A two-finger lift was not the best way.)

4 If you are attending an art show, do not try to impress the artist if you know nothing about art. If you do, at best you will confirm you know nothing. At worst, the artist will kindly listen and then call upon the local shaman to strike you mute. (Was fun listening to yourself talk until you couldn’t any more right?)

3 If you are attending an art show, do not eat anything while touring the booths. If you do, at best most of the artists will warn you away. At worst, you could be the proud owner of an unusual weaving kissed with Philly Cheesesteak juice. (Wasn’t your fist choice was it?)

2 If you are attending an art show, do not try to barter your books for a piece of art of your choice. If you do, at best the artist will say they have already read your book. At worst, the artist will flip through your book and hand it back. (You didn’t need to hear that they don’t ever read your genre.)

1 If you are attending an art show, do not think your purchase has a money back guarantee. If you do, at best you will be embarrassed when you try to bring it back. At worst, the artist will be insulted that you didn’t want to keep the precious item. (That lawyer they hired just won’t go away darn it.)