Category: top ten things not to do

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Photo Shoot.

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

Top Ten Thing not to do

 

This list was inspired by my Producer. We did a shoot yesterday and the subject of Ten Things Not to Do came up. I have to admit publically that I only did number ten once.  The rest – all fiction. I hope you enjoy the list.

10. If you are on a photo shoot, do not ignore the advice of your Producer. If you do, at best you’ll have lousy photos. At worst, you’ll have bad pictures and an ex Producer. (See what happens when you ignore good advice, Pard?)

9 If you are on a photo shoot, do not take photos of people without permission. If you do, at best you may have to run fast. At worst, you will take a lovely photo of Tiny the WWF champ before he could suck in his substantial belly. (Funny how that camera turned to dust in Tiny’s hand huh, Tex?)

8 If you are on a photo shoot, do not try to get the whole picture while backing up to the edge of a cliff. If you do, at best a fence will stop you from going over. At worst, you will be catching multiple shots of the cliff face whizzing by you. (It is now time to worry about the landing, Putz.)

7 If you are on a photo shoot, do not take too many pictures of the same thing. If you do, at best you’ll waste camera memory. At worst, your producer will believe you have some kind of fixation on the object. (Sure you can explain away a building, but that person in a bikini is another matter right, Ferd?)

6 If you are on a photo shoot, do not take the shot until you check the camera settings. If you do, at best the last setting is still okay for this shot. At worst, you will get home to find the best shot of the day is a blur. (Oh don’t worry, Buford. You’ll get another chance to photograph that rare bird in flight. Maybe in the next life.)

5 If you are on a photo shoot, do not take the shot until you check the background. If you do at best, all is good. At worst, that cute puppy in the background just decided to lift a leg as you pressed the shutter button. (And of course, this is the only photo of the scene hay, Bunky?)

4 If you are on a photo shoot, do not take photos of places where you see signs that say “No Photographs.” If you do, at best you might get away with one or two with no flash. At worst, just as you are about to take the first photo, the word SECURITY shows up in your viewfinder. (That guy is big and very close to you, Buzzy.)

3 If you are on a photo shoot, do not get carried away with the scene. If you do, at best you may forget to set something. At worst, every one of your photos has the camera body strap or your thumb front and center. (Well that was fun. Maye the circus will be back next year, and you can try again, Doofus.)

2 If you are on a photo shoot, do not enter private property to take photos. If you do, at best you may be asked to leave. At worst, you might not be able to out run that gigantic bull you thought would make a great picture. (You did see the “No Trespassing – Wild Bull” sign didn’t you, Ace?)

1 If you are a photo shoot, do not ignore the weather to get your shot. If you do, at best you might get wet. At worst, that bolt lightning sure cleared your sinus. (You know not to stand in water in an electrical storm huh, Bosco?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Tubing

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this post is the Texas sport of tubing. To be a tuber, all you need is a truck inner tube, cooler of beer, snacks, and a lovely full river like the Guadalupe. Since I have not been tubing myself, this list is a matter of observation.

10 If you are tubing, do not wear regular shoes. If you do, at best they will be water-logged. At worst, you will lose just one and will have a distinct limp at the end of the day from walking with one. (Something about water and loafers that just don’t mix huh, Bosco?)

9 If you are tubing, do not leave your cooler tube untethered. If you do, at best your floating neighbors will catch it before going downstream. At worst, your cooler will wander off and bump into Tiny the WWF champ who just finished his twelve step plan to quit drinking.(Funny how he ripped the top off the cooler almost like he knew there was a twelve pack inside. He is looking at you, and I would paddle on if I were you, Buster.)

8 If you are tubing, do not assume you won’t drag bottom. If you do, at best you will get a suit full of mud. At worst, you might lose your suit to the weight of the clay and will have to work out a creative way to exit the river. (Looks like Channel six news is doing a special on tubing. You should be a big hit with that officer waiting for you, Ferd.)

7 If you are tubing, do not ignore the current. If you do, at best you’ll struggle to get out at the end of your float trip. At worst, you will keep going until you empty into the Gulf of Mexico. (The Coast Guard wants to talk to you, Buford. Something about smuggling by inner tube. Good luck with that.)

6 If you are tubing, do not forget to park your car at the end of the trip. If you do, at best you might catch a ride with your friends. At worst, you will still be hitchhiking after the sun goes down. (Who is going to pick up someone with a tube and cooler who looks deranged, Tex?)

5 If you are tubing, do not overserve yourself. If you do at best, you’ll fall asleep. At worst, you’ll decide to imitate Jack Sparrow and board your neighbor’s tubes demanding pieces of eight. (Funny how that one guy gave you a knuckle sandwich calling it a piece of five huh, Putz?)

4 If you are tubing, do not forget your manners. If you do, at best most will ignore you. At worst, a committee of fellow tubers will intercede and make sure you get drydocked. (Shouting obscenities at homeowners along the bank is something your crowd doesn’t do, Bunky.)

3 If you are tubing, do not decide to pull out and eat your lunch on private land. If you do, at best the owner will nicely ask you to move on. At worst, the owner threatened to shoot the next trespasser, and it looks like it is you.(Nothing like a shotgun to inspire movement right, Leroy?)

2 If you are tubing, do not tie up with your friends and make an island such that no one can pass. If you do, at best expect a lot of yelling. At worst, you might experience a few blowouts as others pass you. (You did not expect that sharp object did you, Ralph?)

1 If you are tubing, do not think the banks of the river are all public rest stops. If you do, at best you might embarrass yourself. At worst you may violate local obscenity laws and find yourself in big trouble. (Never thought you were demonstrating lewd behavior huh, Pal?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Returning From a Long Trip

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

 

Top Ten

The inspiration for this list was my return from a ten-day trip. Just in case you wonder I am entirely innocent of any of these incidents. Hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Returning From a Long Trip

10 If you are returning from a long trip, do not forget where you parked your car. If you do, at best security will help you find it. At worst, you’ll have to catch a cab home convincing your family that you need a physical intervention. (That brain MRI was a pleasant experience right, Bosco?)

9 If you are returning from a long trip, do not argue with the parking attendant about the price of parking. If you do, at best he will call the police. At worst, the attendant is Tiny the WWF champ who is working nights to pay his fine for the last criminal assault charge.(Looks like you had better use your feet to avoid this one, Buford.)

8 If you are returning from a long trip, do not arrive in the middle of the night and expect a warm welcome. If you do, at best you will be disappointed. At worst, your pit bull who is especially protective will confuse you with an intruder. (Good thing you have that tall tree in the front yard huh, Putz?)

7 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think the hotel shampoo and conditioner bottles count as souvenirs. If you do, at best the only one talking to you right now is you. At worst, you’ll have to find an alternate sleeping arrangement. (That couch is as lumpy as you thought isn’t it, Buster?)

6 If you are returning from a long trip, do not dump your laundry on the floor and declare, “No rush.” If you do, at best the pile will stay there forever. At worst, you may wonder why the Goodwill receipt is on your bureau. (On the plus side you can deduct the donation, Ferd.)

5 If you are returning from a long trip, do not make comments at dinner about how good the food was on the trip. If you do, at best you will be eating out for weeks. At worst, you will be invited to prepare the meals according to your taste. (That includes menu and shopping, Bunky.)

4 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think everyone you meet wants to hear about your experiences. If you do, at best people will avoid you. At worst, you will have to listen to the experiences of others. (It really gets to you when their trip sounds better than yours doesn’t it, Tex?)

3 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think everyone wants to hear you speak in the language of the place visited. If you do, at best most will believe that you are affected. At worst, you will meet someone fluent in the language, and you’ll be stumped. (A little hard to keep up after hello don’t you think, Pard?)

2 If you are returning from a long trip, don’t keep saying,”It’s good to be home.” If you do, at best people will think you had a lousy time. At worst, most will wonder why you left in the first place. (Of course, they may also see through your desire to answer the question, “Where have you been? Leroy.)

1 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think you won’t have to resume helping out around the house. If you do, at best you will get a gentle reminder. At worst, you may find your suitcase repacked and ready for another trip. (That one-way ticket is sobering don’t you think, Cousin?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on an Overseas Flight

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

Top Ten Thing Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this post is the fact that I am held captive on a flight to the UK. The beautiful part is I will have landed by the time it is published.

10 If you are on an overseas flight, do not wander up and down the aisles like a zombie. If you at best, everyone will be able to sleep through your wandering. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ, who just graduated from Marvel’s Zombie Hunters School (With honors)  will use you as a practice dummy.(Notice how easy your arm comes off, Dope.)

9 If you are on an overseas flight, do not remove your shoes if you have foot problems. If you do, at best your neighbors will think the in-flight meal is mac and cheese. At worst, the captain will be forced to land due to a perceived threat of poisoned gas attack. (Those Marshalls look a little upset, Dudley.)

8 If you are on an overseas flight, do not think alcohol will help you cope with boredom.  If you do, at best you will pass out. At worst, you might end up in chains after trying to start a karaoke competition in First Class. (Those rich folk have no sense of humor do they, Bunkey?)

7 If you are on an overseas flight, do not think you are in a five-star restaurant. If you do, at best you will learn your mistake quickly on the first bite. At worst, you will get a visit from a grumpy crew member the first time you attempt to send the entrée back for “additional finishing.” (My goodness these people are sensitive about constructive criticism aren’t they, Buford.)

6 If you are on an overseas flight, do not try to make conversation with your seatmate if they are not interested. If you do, at best it is hoped you get the hint. At worst, your seat mate will finally get tired of your interference and call the crew for relief. (You are talking fast, Tex but I don’t think these guys believe you will mind your manners. Those handcuffs they are pulling out sure look uncomfortable.)

5 If you are on an overseas flight, do not over study the emergency procedures card in the seat back pocket in front of you. If you do, at best your neighbors won’t think anything of it. At worst, you will raise suspicions that you are going to do something funny during the flight. (Do you wonder why that big guy exchanged seats with your seatmate, Doofus? I wouldn’t make any sudden moves right now.)

4 If you are on an overseas flight, remember that you can’t hear how loud you speak with your earphones on. If you forget, at best,  those around you are wearing earphones as well. At worst, you will continually wake up those around you until one decides to take your earphones. (He the biggest guy you’ve ever seen huh, Brad? Just let the earphones go.)

3 If you are on an overseas flight, do not tell your seatmate the ending of the movie that you have already seen. If you do, at best the seatmate wanted to nap anyway. At worst, you have no made an enemy of someone you will be sitting with for the next eight hours. (Don’t close your eyes, Buster. No telling what they will do.)

2 If you are on an overseas flight, do not think you are the only passenger on the plane. If you do, at best you will be set straight sooner rather than later. At worst you will have alienated enough people to get you self a deluxe seat in the hold. (Pretty cold down here huh, Putz?)

1 If you are on an overseas flight, do not tell anyone you are an author. If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, you will have to sit through an eight-hour description of the story that your seatmate is sure will make a great book. (There is a simple answer to the question, “What do you do?” Just say you are a professional car thief, Pal.)

 

Top Ten Things Your Mother Told You Not to Do

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Mother

 

The inspiration for this list came from observing some weird behavior on the beach and wondering aloud it that person’s mother ever told them not to do what they were doing. The wondering brought up thought on what our mothers told us not to do. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 Your mother told you not to leave the house in dirty underwear. If you ignored her, at best you kept your pants on. At worst, all the people in the emergency room now know you’ve been neglected.  (You better explain that you didn’t listen before you go under, Buford)

9 Your mother told you not to talk to strangers. If you didn’t listen, at best the only stranger you met was a cop. At worst, you fell in with the wrong crowd. (Those police officers outside are pretty serious about you coming out with your hands up, Tex.)

8 Your mother told you to finish your milk. If you didn’t listen, at best you would revisit the same milk tomorrow. At worst, you would be crippled for life because of the lack a calcium in your diet. (At least that was the warning huh, Bosco?)

7 Your mother told you not to run with scissors. If you did anyway, at best the only hole made when you fell was on the new couch. At worst, you made the evening news as the only person is known to have survived ignoring a mother’s advice. (Of course, those scissors made a nice scar didn’t they, Slick?)

6 Your mother told you not to be a cowboy. If you ignored her, at best you now live in Marfa Texas. At worst, you are herding cows, eating beans, and living outside most of the year. (You thought being a cowboy meant a Hollywood contract didn’t you, Slim?)

5 Your mother told you to wash your hands and face. If you didn’t, at best there was no dinner. At worst, her prediction of catching bubonic plague has come true, and no one wants to be near you. (It could have been avoided, Putz. What’s a little soap and water anyway?)

4 Your mother told you there would be days like this. If you didn’t listen, at best you’ll think this is forever. At worst, you will make unreasonable plans to try to correct what is wrong. (So it’s raining, Ferd. Get over it and quit that silly chant.)

3 Your mother told you to tie your shoes. If you ignored her, at best everyone you meet will remind you. At worst, you will step on a shoe lace just as you decide to lean over the rail to get a  great shot of the Grand Canyon. (Funny how those screams continue to echo around, isn’t it, Buster?)

2 Your mother told you to mind your manners. If you didn’t listen, at best you can kiss another invitation goodby. At worst, you might offend Tiny the WWF champ who has just left a ten-hour manners management course mandated as part of his parole. (Notice how far your feet are off the floor when Tiny lifts you by the neck, Weezer?)

1 Your mother told you to be a gentleman. If you decide not to be, at best you might get home early. At worst, you might win the international record as the most slapped human on the planet. (You need to wake up, Boris before your face falls off.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Eye Doctor

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Top Ten Things not to Do

 

The inspiration for this list was living through the replay of the eye doctor visit with our youngest. Since she is a millennial, we were very pleased that she went to the eye doctor and so we were passive listening to the blow by blow of the visit.

Ten Things Not to Do at the Eye Doctor

10 If you are at the eye doctor, do not guess at the letters on the chart. If you do, at best you’ll have to take the test again. At worst, the doctor will outfit you with coke bottle lenses that will render you sightless.  (Seemed like a good joke until the $400 bill was put in your hand huh, Ferd?)

9 If you are at the eye doctor, do not hesitate when asked which lens is better one or two? If you do, at best you’ll get a third choice which doesn’t work. At worst, you’ll be spending the afternoon going through the lens tests until you finally declare a preference. (Makes you wonder why you are so fussy huh, Buford?)

8 If you are at the eye doctor, do not turn down the grandfather sunglasses if your eyes have been dilated. If you do, at worst you may hurt yourself squinting. At worst, you’ll never see Tiny the WWF champ stepping off the curb.(Always wondered what it is like to run into a rhinoceros did you? Buster? Now he looks pretty mad.)

7 If you are at the eye doctor, do not have garlic bread for lunch. If you do, at best your exam may be from across the room. At worst, the doctor will have to call in a hazmat crew to remove you and your smell from the office. (Sure looked good on the menu huh, Pard?)

6 If you are at the eye doctor, do not complain about the magazines. If you do, at best the doctor will raise your bill to cover improvements. At worst, the magazines were a personal choice by the doctor and sold by the underprivileged children of the doctor’s church. (You wish for an atomic bomb blast right now right, Slick?)

5 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try to tell the doctor what you think you need as far as a prescription goes. If you do, at best the doctor will ignore you. At worst, the doctor will refer you to the eye doctor next door who happens to specialize in large animals. (You look pretty foolish in that  stall, Slug.)

4 If you are at the eye doctor, do not have a couple of drinks before. If you do, at best the doctor will be able to detect the fact. At worst, the doctor will be calling social services to set you up with a counselor for the seeing impaired. (Why all these people think you need help is beyond you isn’t it, Putz?)

3 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try on one hundred pairs of frames. If you do, at best you’ll realize it’s your face that is the problem. At worst, the office will close, and you’ll find yourself on the street with two monocles in your hand. (Try to figure out how to use those Tex. A hint. You have to arch your eyebrow.)

2 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try to stay within the budget of your insurance. If you do, at best you get a half a pair of glasses. At worst, you might be able to make it work if you give up on the nose and ear pieces. (You are right back to the monocle aren’t you, Pal)

1 If you are at the eye doctor, do not argue about having to go to stronger lenses. If you do, at best you will appear petty and self-absorbed. At worst, you will demonstrate your fear of getting older which your doctor will take as a cry for help. (I hope you are enjoying your group therapy sessions. Come on tell us how you really feel. That’s where it’s at isn’t it, Bunky?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Traveling by a Train

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

 

California Zephyr

The inspiration for this list is the fact that my producer is on the Amtrack California Zephyr from Davis California to Omaha Nebraska. She will be enjoying the route through the High Sierras and will be spending two nights on the train. The idea was to go with girlfriends and take a historic route to their final destination of Omaha. There she will be watching the Longines FEI world cup horse jumping and dressage finals. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Traveling by Train

10 If you are traveling by train, do not think you can sit just anywhere. If you do, at best you may be lucky and not take someone’s seat. At worst, you’ll get comfortable only to discover Tiny the WWF champ has a seat reservation where you are sitting. (Notice how quickly Tiny reacts when things don’t go his way, Bunky.)

9 If you are traveling by train, don’t forget to charge your phone before getting on. If you do forget, at best you will have to limit your calls. At worst, you will be without your phone when you need to send that text to your boss in answer to the question, “where the hell are you?”(Seems you forgot to tell the boss you were going on vacation huh, Ferd?)

8 If you are traveling by train, don’t forget a blanket or sweater. If you do, at best you’ll get chilled. At worst, trying to use your seatmate’s blanket might get you arrested for assault. (Maybe you should have asked before rolling over with it, Buford.)

7 If you are traveling by train, do not talk louder than those around you. If you do, at best you may get into an argument with someone bigger. At worst, you and your bags might be offloaded at the next stop which is a thousand miles from nowhere. (That mail hook was a bit of an insult huh, Pard?)

6 If you are traveling by train, do not walk around without your shoes. If you do, at best you may step on something that moves. At worst, you may need to re-evaluate how much you need those last pair of sock after the visit to the restroom. (This is not the beach, Buster. Shoes are required.)

5 If you are traveling by train, do not forget to take something to read. If you do, at best you’ll get tired of reading the safety messages in the coach. At worst, you’ll begin talking with someone who obviously was just released from a mental care facility. (Your hint should have been the focus on picking lint off your sweater that wasn’t there, Bud.)

4 If you are traveling by train, do not forget to bring snacks and water. If you do, at best the train provisions will be expensive. At worst, the last bottle of water and bag of chips will be auctioned off to the highest bidder after the twelve-hour delay at Donner Pass. (That name rings a bell doesn’t it, Tex?)

3 If you are traveling by train, do not leave your bag unattended in the overhead rack. If you do, at best you’ll be traveling with a group of nuns on the way to a retreat. At worst, whatever was in your bag will be for sale in the next car. (If you hurry you might be able to buy back your underwear, Putz.)

2 If you are traveling by train, do not walk around with a full drink. If you do, at best any spills will hit the aisle. At worst, the last lurch caused your cup to empty on the head of that enormous man in the seat you fell into. (That low growl you are hearing is not part of the train function, Guy. I would run.)

1 If you are traveling by train, do not forget where to get off. If you do, at best you can catch the next train back in twenty-four hours. At worst, the railroad detective will finally release you after several hours of investigation into the stowaway charge. (Why you decided to ride to the end of the line is anybody’s guess, Pal.)

Ten Things Not to Do When Spring Cleaning

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

Spring Cleaning

 

This list is inspired by the waiting list of to do’s that have generally been classified as “Spring Cleaning Chores.” I have been studying the list (the first step) for the last few days and was reminded of all the things I needed to think about before getting to work. To those of you who have a spouse that seemingly takes an inordinate amount of time planning the approach to such tasks, be thankful you have a cautious worker on your staff. The end result will be final completion with minimal risk. To those not so lucky your trips to the emergency room are the payoff. (This last paragraph was a PSA on behalf of all those self-cleaners out there)  I hope you enjoy the list.

Ten Things Not to Do While Spring Cleaning.

10 While spring cleaning, do not start a list without careful planning. If you do, at best you’ll only waste your time haphazardly moving from one project to the next. At worst, that last missing step on the ladder will only become important when you step on it. (It is a long way down, and your screaming just woke the baby, Buford.)

9 While spring cleaning, don’t forget to look down at the wash water before throwing it out. If you do, at best you may lose your favorite brush. At worst, your youngest may take a flight that was unplanned. (How did that kid get in there anyway, Buster?)

8 While spring cleaning, don’t forget the law of gravity. If you do, at best that hammer won’t take out the patio cover. At worst, your weightlessness feeling will only be a millisecond before you reconnect with terra firma.(Those skydiving lessons were of no help on your free fall from the roof right, Tex?)

7 While spring cleaning, do not mix several cleaning agents together. If you do, at best you’ll only waste the materials. At worst, you may inadvertently duplicate what used to be considered a military grade poison gas. (How’s that waiting list on the lung transplant coming along, Slick?)

6 While spring cleaning, do not try to remove spots with anything but approved removers. If you do, at best the spot removed will be a bigger as a result of residual cleaner. At worst, that spot lifter you used clearly said not for use on leather. (How are you going to explain that missing arm on the couch, Bunky?)

5 While spring cleaning, do not think you can use a leaf blower in the living room. If you do, at best you may be surprised at how may things go out the front door. At worst, although the knick knack shelf is clean there may be no more knick knacks. (Funny how those crystal items turned to dust, huh Ferd?)

4 While spring cleaning, do not forget to empty the vacuum cleaner during the process. If you do, at best the job will take longer. At worst, at the end of the job, your vacuum and hose may be entirely filled only to let go when you turn the machine off.   (Didn’t plan on starting over did you, Bosco?)

3 While spring cleaning, do not use that paint from five years ago. If you do, at best the color will be close, and only your mother in law will notice. At worst, what used to be bright white woodwork will look like an original “this old house” before picture.(Now you have to do it twice huh, Putz?)

2 While spring cleaning, do not think others want the radio that loud. If you do, at best you may get a phone call. At worst, you will have awoken Tiny the WWF champ who flew in from LA on the redeye and finally got to sleep. (Notice Tiny has red eyes of his own as you observe his knuckle sandwich being served a la carte, Pard.)

1 While Spring cleaning, do not underestimate the strength of your power washer. If you do, at best you may make some marks on your house. At worst, you’ll notice the chunks of paint being stripped from the siding a little too late to avoid a complete repaint job. (Well, that was a sound investment wasn’t it, Darling? Yes, the most feared words in the language)

Ten Things Not to Do on a Road Trip

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

Road trip

The inspiration for this list came with President’s Day weekend. A lot of people are on road trips, and at least maybe they will read this before heading back home today. I always look back fondly on those road trips so many years ago.

Ten Things Not to Do on a Road Trip

10 On a road trip, do not let the kids claim their own space in the back. If you do, at best the territory claims will be endless. At worst, you’ll have to separate them and sit with your knees under your chin. (You forgot about the hump huh, Bunky?)

9 On a road trip, do not start the 100 bottles of beer on the wall song. If you do, at best everyone will get tired after ten. At worst, one of the kids will insist on going the whole distance. (How’s that toothache doing, Ferd?)

8 On a road trip, do not miss stating all the rules of I Spy. If you do, at best a small loophole will allow multiple winners. At worst, forgetting the “in the car” rule means little princess will hold out for 100 miles before declaring her item was a bird on the wire. (Yes, Tex. It was the bird 100 miles back.)

7 On a road trip, do not allow anyone into Buckys without a pre-set budget. If you do, at best you can justify the expense by the bonus points on the credit card. At worst, the manager of Bucky’s wants to sell your car to cover the bill. (What kind of rest stop has diamond covered boots huh, Pilgrim?)

6 On a road trip, do not think every tunnel is short enough to hold your breath all the way to the end. If you do, at best you’ll hit a long one and will have to breathe. At worst, little Tiny the future WWF champ who is a great competitor will be blue by the time you emerge. (No one told him to give up, Buster.)

5 On a road trip, if you are the driver do not hold up your feet over the railroad tracks. If you do, at best you won’t have a close call. At worst, you might be caught short if you need to make a quick stop. (If that semi in your lane, Buford?)

4 On a road trip, do not set unreasonable expectations around the number of license plates needed to be spotted to finish the game. If you do, at best everyone will be discouraged and quit. At worst, you most competitive child will keep going until they have all fifty. (Good luck on that Hawaii plate, Pal.)

3 On a road trip, do not allow the kids to pick their own snacks. If you do, at best you’ll need to run the car through a car wash when you get home. At worst, you will be peeling them off the ceiling after the mega sugar high hits. (You enjoy the screaming too don’t you Slick?)

2 On a road trip, do not let anyone in the car read the Stuckey’s signs. If you do, at best you’ll have to stop every hundred miles. At worst, you’ll have so many log rolls, divinities and clusters you will be able to open your own store.( Not to mention the dentist bill, right Ralph?)

1 On a road trip, do not insist that everyone hold it until the gas stop. If you do, at best the last ten miles will be very tense. At worst, you might be on the receiving end of a family mutiny. (You never realize how strong those kids did you, Jake?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wine Tasting

~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

Wine Tasting

 

The inspiration for this list is attendance at some wine tasting events in my time. My wife worked as a marketing person for a winery in Northern California and was required to taste wine every week. Of course, she was a professional and would take delight in witnessing some of the events listed. Since I was well schooled by her, I never made these faux pas. (I would have died on the spot if I had.) I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not insist on special glasses to claim to have a full tasting experience. If you do, at best the rest of the gathering will take you for an idiot. At worst, the host will produce special glasses, and then you will be on the spot to render an erudite opinion. (Up to tonight your experience has been Boon’s Farm Apple Red right, Buford?)

9 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not throw back the wine as if it is a shot of tequila. If you do, at best your drink preference and sophistication will show through. At worst, you will find yourself all alone as the discussion turns to the merits of the wine. (No one cares what you think about wine and probably think your chewing tobacco will get in the way of an honest opinion anyway, Tex.)

8 If you are attending a wine tasting, don’t forget the crackers are to cleanse the palette, not a meal. If you do, at best the host will move them away from you. At worst, you might be subtly offered a place in the kitchen where the host promises a bucket of fried chicken and a six-pack of Keystone Light. (You think that offer might be not so bad until you see the look on your spouse’s face huh, Bunky?)

7 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not start describing the various flavors of the wine unless you know what you are talking about. If you do, at best you will get polite nods at your incredible ignorance. At worst someone will ask the host to send you to the store for more crackers. (You will find out coal oil is not a legitimate taste on the flavor wheel, Buster.)

6 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not try to sneak Two- Buck Chuck in a brown bag into the line-up.If you do, at best the host security system video will show your placement of the bottle. At worst, one of the wine snobs will involuntarily spew the wine on Tiny the WWF champ.(Right now Tiny is going from guest to guest demanding to know who brought the wine. You have always been a bad liar, and your turn is next right, Weenie?)

5 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not forget you are not supposed to swallow the wine. If you do, at best you will need a ride home. At worst, you will decide to inform all the guests just what you think of each personally identifying what you consider a flaw in their personality needing correction. (The next morning is going to be a beauty especially when you learn what you called your boss.)

4 If you are attending a wine tasting, it is best not to wear a white shirt. If you forget, at best you are very careful and escape embarrassment. At worst, someone asks a question and surprises you just as you raise the glass to your lips. (Maybe that shirt will make a nice car wax rag or a tie-dye coverup.)

3 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not over swirl your wine. If you do at best, your glass will be big enough to keep the wine under control. At worst, your red wine swirl will go outside the glass, and land on the white linen couch which the host just explained was made to order and arrived this afternoon. (Make no mistake you are now the proud owner of a stained couch, Cowboy.)

2 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not ask for ice for your wine. If you do, at best your host will take your wine. At worst your host will ask you to go to the convenience store to pick up a twenty-pound bag. (It is hoped that the tasting is over before you can return, Slick.)

1 If you are attending a wine tasting, try not to argue with experts about the quality of a particular wine. If you do, at best even if you are right you will look particularly brutish. At worst, one of the experts just got his graduation certificate from the anger management course mandated by the courts after being arrested for assaulting a wine steward at a restaurant for disagreeing with him on wine quality. (Looks like a knuckle sandwich is on the menu, Pal.)