Category: top ten things not to do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Organic Supermarket

~ John W. Howell ~ 34 Comments

Organic Food Store

The inspiration for this list is many visits to organic chain supermarkets. I’m usually there because I like a brand of wine that the chain carries. Of course, living on an island means when I drive the 360 miles round trip, I want to linger and observe other activities. I hope you like the list.

10 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not secretly pop samples into your mouth from the bulk food section. If you do, at best you may ingest a foreign object. At worst, you will be caught and weighed before being charged the $10.00 a pound going rate.(Had to wonder what that walk on scale was for, huh Bo-Bo?)

9 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not block the aisles as you study each purchase looking for evidence of an ingredient to which you are allergic. If you do, At best your cart will be hit as others try to get around. At worst, you might get run over by Tiny the 300 pound WWF champ as he sprints toward the carrot juice section. (Better to joust with a train. Right?)

8 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the butcher if the organic pork is grass-fed. If you do, at best he will laugh you out of the store. At worst, he will convince you to go home and read up on the dietary habits of pigs. (At least tofu is on the list of things pigs will eat. Of course, there is nothing pigs won’t eat.)

7 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the clerk if the organic bottled water is gluten-free. If you do at best, the clerk will be confused. At worst, you might cause a very delicate personality to crack completely. ( Can you imagine what would have happened if you asked for help finding something.)

6 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not forget to bring your own bags. If you do, at best you will have to balance your purchases and hope to make the car before the peanut butter hits the parking lot surface. At worst, you will be charged for more bags which you’ll never need again. (Asking for a plastic bag was a big mistake)

5 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not show visible signs of your pending heart attack when you see the total bill. If you do, at best you will make the clerk’s day. At worst, those around you will want your hide for exposing the fact that to eat this way is very expensive. (Yeah they knew it, but don’t need reminders)

4 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the clerk if there are cruelty-free grapes in the wine. If you do, at best the clerk will call the manager for an answer. At worst the manager has just turned in his gross receipts and is now on probation for slipping sales. (The manager’s sense of humor is at an all time low and used to be a postal worker till released for anger management issues)

3 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the beauty aids clerk which essential oil they would recommend to attract more dates. If you do, at best the clerk will think you totally perverted. At worst, the clerk will take the opportunity to test the company’s non-hostile work environment policy with a request of the boss to toss you out of the store. (Wow! Talk about overused political correctness)

2 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not buy hemp products with the belief that you can use then to get high. If you do, at best you will waste your money. At worse, you will feel pretty foolish waiting in the shower for the hemp soap to kick in. (Meanwhile, the water temperature is moving toward Antarctic)

1 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the carryout person any questions about attire, body art, or hairstyle. If you do, at best they will ignore you. At worst, they will start the long story about personal freedoms and what it means to be able to be who they are. (That organic ice cream dripping on the pavement cost $10.00. Might be time to move on)

Top Ten Things Not to leave in Your Car

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

 

 

The inspiration for this list came on a trip to Austin Texas a couple of weeks ago. Of course, I didn’t do any of these things, but they came to me while unloading the car. Also, I didn’t try to include kids and pets since there is nothing funny about a possible tragedy. I hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Leave in Your Car

10 Do not leave a leftover Big Mac in your car. If you do, at best you will need to ride with the windows down for a week. At worst, you will have to call Terminix to get rid of your new insect passengers.(it was only there for a week after all)

9 Do not leave your phone in your car. If you do, at best the sun will give you a new look to your case. At worst, you will wish you had bought the insurance when you get your blob’s replacement price. (no one told you those things were so delicate did they?)

8 Do not leave your laundry in your car. If you do, at best those wrinkles will be permanent. At worst, those plastic bags will become part of your fabric. (You got a lot of compliments on the new look right?)

7 Do not leave your loaded gun in your car. (Texas after all) If you do, at best the temperature will remain below the flash point. At worst, your gun will go off and put a hole in the side of your car and the three others parked in a line parallel with yours. (It was going to be a quick run into the store right?)

6 Do not leave the twelve red roses in your car. If you do, at best the recipient will not notice a slight wilt. At worst, you will present someone with twelve stems and try to explain how $70.00 worth of blooms are on the floor of your car. ( Man the sun gets hot doesn’t it?)

5 Do not leave the first-grade birthday cupcakes in your car. If you do, at best you can tell the kids they are still warm from the oven. At worst, you will be trying to sell a new treat called cupcake crumble to gullible youth. (I’ll bet they don’t believe you. What do you think?)

4 Do not leave your keys in your car. If you do, at best the key man will only charge $75.00 to open the door. At worst, the local car thieves will be able to open your door for free, but you will never see the car again. (Sure it was an accident but still.)

3 Do not leave your suitcase in the car where it can be seen. At best,  no one will notice it on the backseat. At worst, whoever took out your back window figured you had thirty pounds of gold bars in that case. (Go figure. The window will only be $400.00)

2 Do not leave your half full coffee cup in the holder. If you do, at best when you return the coffee will be stale. At worst, you will take a sip and your lip will immediately blister from the 180-degree heat. (The melted handle should have been your hint.)

1 Do not leave your valuable CD  collection in your car.If you do, at best they may sound a little warped when you play them next. At worst, you will be the proud owner of  the largest stack of fused CDs (You can spend months trying to pry them apart.)

Top Ten Things Not To Do If You’re A Mercenary in Windemere #newbook

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments
Cover Art by Jason Pedersen
Cover Art by Jason Pedersen

 

As you may know, I have a great deal of respect for the talent of Charles E, Yallowitz. He is a prolific writer of prose and poetry and has a marvelous sense of humor. We were discussing a guest post in support of the launch of his latest book The Mercenary Prince and I casually suggested that he do a Top Ten Things Not to Do list. To my surprise and delight, he did one. This is a list that made me laugh out loud and decided to run it on my regular feature day. I think you will enjoy it and know you would like Charles’ fantasy stories. So here is Charles and his list.

Thank you to John W. Howell for hosting this guest post, which I hope is entertaining.  I step into the realm of the master with a ‘Ten Things’ list that relates to the latest volume of Legends of Windemere.  So here we go with ‘Top Ten Things Not To Do If You’re A Mercenary in Windemere’.

  1. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t challenge Selenia Hamilton the former Mercenary Queen to a duel. Sure it sounds like a good idea because she’s been headmistress of her academy for years and must be rusty.  Just realize that all of her students are smirking, the healer is already getting a bed ready for you, and Selenia has claimed a broom for her weapon.
  2. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t drink heavily before a big job. Your Dwarven friend might be able to do his job with a hangover, but you weren’t born with his constitution.  Few things ruin your reputation more than throwing up on the feet of your enemy.  Then again, some species consider that a marriage proposal.
  3. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t make fun of the local guards and soldiers. It might seem like a good idea at the time because you don’t have to follow orders and probably get paid more.  Yet there’s that highly decorated archer in the corner who will not be held responsible if you’re standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.
  4. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t volunteer to man the front line of a dragon hunt during your first week. It may feel like you’re being ambitious, but everyone is getting the sense that you don’t know what a dragon is.  The proud smile on your face isn’t helping and now people are taking bets on if you get stepped on, eaten head first, eaten feet first, burned to death, or run away after wetting yourself.
  5. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t track down the current Mercenary Nobles to prove you can beat them. They have their titles for a reason and might not be in the mood to let you walk away under your own power.  No, you don’t get points for bravery because you need to know when not to pick a fight.
  6. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t moon an ogre from the middle of your allies and from a mile away. Ogres are known for throwing boulders over long distances with precision and your pale keister is just asking for it.  On the plus side, you get your name on a list of warriors who have died the same way and will be forever remembered as part of the ‘Flatten Arse Army’.
  7. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t stand in the way of a caster’s spells. You sat through the explanation from the captain, heard the caster explain that fireballs do not magically miss allies, and even heard stories from friends about accidents.  Yet there you are charging ahead while your friends stay in formation because a volley of attack spells was supposed to soften the enemy.  Good job.
  8. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t steal the company priest’s holy wine. It is sweet and has a hint of cherries with no threat of a hangover.  It has been blessed by the Goddess of Purity.  Yet, you didn’t ask permission or give any prayers of thanks, so somebody is going to learn that the Gods and Goddesses of Windemere can be rather petty.  Try not to get hurt in the next battle.
  9. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t eat what your Orc allies are having. It might smell good, but it has enough spice to make the eyes of your future grandchildren cry.  They claim it hardens their body before a battle, but you think it has more to do with giving off toxic sweat.  At least you would think that if you weren’t laid out in the healer’s tent hearing that you no longer having stomach lining.
  10. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t go it alone. Mercenaries aren’t like adventurers and there is success in numbers.  Join one of the mercenary armies or team up with others that are looking for a group.  Maybe you’ll make friends and a fortune at the same time.  Just don’t join up with the creepy guy in the corner.  Never work with the creepy guy in the corner.

 

Check out my newest book

LEGENDS OF WINDEMERE: THE MERCENARY PRINCE

And visit me at

LEGENDS OF WINDEMERE

@cyallowitz

Top Ten Things not to Do On New Year’s Eve

~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

Happy-New-Year-2016-Wallapapers

 

For some of you, this list may look familiar since it was the list from last year. I really tried hard to come up with all new things that we should not do on New Year’s Eve, but I found myself repeating stuff I already said. So, I figured why not run the list from last year? After all, if you remember all the items then you should not be wasting your time reading this blog. You should be in Los Vegas counting cards at the blackjack table. Hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

10 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to set a personal record for consumption of alcohol. If you do, at best your evening will close early. At worst, New Year ’s Day will represent your personal purgatory just begging for relief.

9 On New Year’s Eve, do not set resolutions that you think would be great to accomplish if you were a superhero. If you do, at best you will not last a week on your new plan. At worst, you will consider your failure at resolutions to among one of the many failures for the year and could need to be talked down off the ledge next New Year’s Eve.

8 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your good will to mankind feeling left over from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone. If you do, at best most will try to ignore your advances. At worst, there will one person who will think you are the new lost love that they have been searching for their whole life and will continue to stalk you for months in spite of the restraining order.

7 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it.

6 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of Champaign. If you do, at best you will still draw the same looks you get for the rest of the year. At worst, you will begin to gather stray cats and dogs who are thinking you are calling them for dinner while singing Auld Lang Sine.

5 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your famous green monster punch will be enjoyed by everyone. If you insist everyone try it, at best your party may end early. At worst, you may be responsible for sending some guests over the edge due to a strong allergy to green dye and Everclear and if not an allergy certainly a diminished immunity to strong drink. (hint green carpet spots never come up)

4 On New Year’s Eve do not try to surprise your significant other with a mystery destination that you promise will make the best New Year’s Eve ever. If you do, at best you may have selected a place that has some negative memories for your significant other. At worst, you may spend the entire evening lost in a strange neighborhood which will not be the best, but maybe the most memorable as the prime reason your significant other is no longer significant and not your other.

3 On New Year’s Eve, do not get all romantic if all year you act as if romance was as welcome as the measles. If you do, at best you will look ridiculous to whomever you are with. At worst, you could cause a major upset to the person you are normally ambivalent about and could come off as someone who should be given a fine dose of pepper spray to get your attention.

2 On New Year’s Eve, do not think it a good idea to put that lampshade on your head. If you do, at best some will laugh not with you but at you. At worst, the shade is an antique given to the host by a grandmother just before her demise and now it is on the floor under your fanny after you slipped on a bottle and fell to the floor. Oh and the video on U Tube had gone viral.

1 On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to stay up past a reasonable hour for you to retire to see the New Year in. If you do, at best the next day’s activities will be less enjoyable. At worst, you will throw off your sleep cycle which will take you several days and cups of coffee to correct not to mention falling asleep at your mother in law’s New Year’s Day family gathering and pooling drool on the damask fabric of the couch which will be your mark forever more.

Top Ten Things Not to do on a Windy Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 29 Comments

Windy

 

The inspiration for this list is the over twenty-five mile an hour winds we have been experiencing since Thursday. Most of these warnings are a matter of common sense, but in the spirit of public service I will state the obvious. Hope you enjoy.

The Things Not to do on a Windy Day

10 On a windy day, do not think it is a good time to inspect your roof for leaks. If you do, at best the fire department rescue team will not be happy getting you down from there. At worst, you now need the rescue team to splint and bandage the results of a three-story fall. (Recall your last words? “Honest honey I’ll be careful.”)

9 On a windy day do not spit period. If you do, at best you might catch a gust in the opposite direction. At worst, you will need to pause your busy schedule for a shower. (Too bad you were eating licorice at the time.)

8 On a windy day do not think you can control the weed and grass killer spray. If you do, At best you will only take out the edge of the lawn. At worst, in three days your yard will have all the life of the Sahara Desert. (Did you not see the warning on the label? By the way, the damage is permanent)

7 On a windy day do not think you can spray paint that swing set. If you do, at best you will have an ongoing shadow of it on your lawn. At worst, the next door neighbor just realizes his new yellow convertible has a light overlay of Rustoleum brown. (Is that him at the front door with the police?)

6 On a windy day do not get up on that twenty-four-foot extension ladder. If you do, at best you will soon be calling for help as you slowly lose your grip on the top eavestrough. At worst, you and the ladder will end up in your living room after passing through the largest and most expensive picture window in the house. (Don’t worry a tourniquet properly applied will stop that gushing. You don’t know what I’m talking about you say?)

5 On a windy day do not be coerced into allowing the kids to fly their kites. If you do, at best on may be dragged through Mrs. Jones rose bushes. At worst, the FAA will be asking some tough questions about the violation of airspace by your kid and his Sponge Bob Square Pant kite.(You were almost sure that tree would have stopped him)

4 On a windy day do not think going fishing is a good way to spend the day. If you do, at best you’ll end up cold and wet without any fish. At worst, your rescue will be featured on the six o’clock news with the tagline,”Foolish tourist risks life by ignoring the small craft warnings.” (Forgot to turn on the radio did we?)

3 On a windy day do not think the golf game can go on a usual. If you do, at best you will break your record of high score and lost balls. At worst, the wind direction is such that you teed off, and the ball comes back and knocks you off your feet, and you get an expensive airlift to the hospital.(You thought that was going to be one of your longest drives)

2 On a windy day do not take a leisurely walk on the beach. If you do, at best you will be covered in sand from head to foot. At worst, you will receive a dermabrasion with the delightful side benefit of a bird dropping mask.( No. That stuff does not wash off.)

1 On a windy day do not think it is a good time to fertilize the lawn. If you do, at best you will waste a lot of fertilizer on your neighbor’s lawn and shrubs. At worst, you will end up in the pulmonology wing of the hospital as a subject of study of the after effects of poop in the lungs. (Could have worn a mask but nooo too much trouble.)

Ten Things Not to do on Labor Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

labor day.

 

In honor of Labor Day and since I’m currently out-of-town I’ve decided to boil the top ten list down t the most important items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. The remembrance includes we authors.

Top Ten Things Not to do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day have fun but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day all.

Top Ten Writing Things Not to Discuss with Anyone Who’s Not a Writer

~ John W. Howell ~ 30 Comments

This list has as inspiration personal experience in trying to discuss writing with non-writers. Hope you enjoy

a writer

Top Ten Writing Things Not to Discuss with Anyone Who’s Not a Writer

10 If you are a writer, do not discuss how hard it is to write. If you do, at best you get an eye roll. At worst, you be talking to someone who has to disarm bombs for a living and will laugh out loud in your face.

9 If you are a writer, do not discuss your characters as if they are real. If you do, at best you will find people avoiding you. At worst, you will be talking to someone who has an imaginary friend that they believe would be a perfect protagonist for your next book.

8 If you are a writer, do not discuss your latest plot breakthrough. If you do, at best you will be given laundry to do. At worst, the entire family will suddenly disappear knowing you can’t wait to tell them how you solved the plot hole.

7 If you are a writer, do not discuss your latest review. If you do, at best you will be talking to someone who could care less. At worst, you could be talking to a person who just finished your book and had not thought of the negative points brought up by the reviewer and has to leave quickly to downgrade their review on Amazon.

6 If you are a writer, do not discuss your book with friends. If you do., at best they will all pledge to read and review your book that you know they won’t. At worse, you will tell some spoilers and the person you are regaling with the tale now has no reason to buy and read the book.

5 If you are a writer, do not discuss how hard it is to market your book. If you do, at best the person you are talking to will not understand anything you are saying.  At worst they may ask, “who forced you to write the damn thing anyway?” A

4 If you are a writer, do not discuss your book with your spouse or partner. If you do, at best you will get a smile and a head nod. At worst, you might get some advice that you know you are not going to follow and someday you will have to pay the piper when it is clear you did not take the advice.

3 If you are a writer, do not discuss your royalty arrangements. If you do, at best you will confirm your writing is a hobby. At worst, you will confirm for others that you have completely lost your mind in pursuing a writing career.

2 If you are a writer, do not discuss word counts. If you do, at best the person who is listening to your minimum production will be polite enough not to walk away. At worst, you will be talking to someone who thinks one hundred of anything is a lot and will be blown away with your thousands they will expect you to buy dinner.

1 If you are a writer, do not discuss formats, downloads, Amazon, Createspace, cover art, fonts, or KDP. If you do, at best the person will be so impressed they won’t fall asleep immediately. (only temporary, however) At worst, your conversation will be interrupted by a phone call even if you didn’t hear the phone ring.