Since the Superbowl is this weekend, I thought I would pull some advice from a January 26th, 2015 post. It all seems to be relevant.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Super Bowl Celebration

10 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not arrive wearing team clothing for a team that is not playing. If you do, at best, everyone will think you are a sore loser or are drunk.  At worst, the crowd may come to the conclusion you’ve had a stroke or burst aneurysm and call for EMT support, and you will end up watching the game on a fifteen-inch screen next to the nurse’s station while waiting for an attending physician.

9 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, remember that many people like to watch the ads. If you forget and stand in front of the TV during commercial time, at best, you will be called many names in the process of getting you to move. At worst, the most enormous guy in the room wanting to demonstrate his downfield tackling expertise will use you as his dummy.

8 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not carry in your famous crab dip that must be kept at forty-two degrees or become a hazardous waste site. If you do, at best, the temp will stay near the required amount, and only one or two will be overcome. At worst, there will be no way to keep the dip cold enough, and you will have singlehandedly wiped out a full production day on Monday for several of the attendees, not to mention hurried trips to the ER for a prophylactic pump of the stomach

7 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not believe your host’s offer “to make yourself at home.”  If you do, at best, you will be embarrassed when someone asks you to take your feet off the couch. At worst, you will be totally shocked to discover the room you decided to use for a bath is the overflow bathroom for the party, and you will spend a good amount of time under the water.

6 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not be tempted to look into any drawers or behind any closed doors. If you do, at best, only the homeowner will notice the disturbed contents. At worst, the host, being a techie nerd, has installed cameras in each room, which playback on the fifty-inch screen that is beside the game screen to the amusement of everyone at the party. (Except the one you came with)

5 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not think since the drinks are free, you should help yourself to the point of being over-served. If you do, at best, you might make a complete ass out of yourself, which others will find as typical of a low life. At worst, you will find yourself disoriented while actively looking for the bathroom, which you imagined you have found in the large bureau in the corner of a spare bedroom, shortly before passing out on the carpet.

4 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not think your duty includes eating a portion of everything that is laid out on the buffet table. If you do, at best, several people will believe you have lost your job or recently divorced.  At worst, your pile of food will be an indication that you need an intervention, which will be organized to take place after the game, to the embarrassment of you and the person with whom you attended the event.

3 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not be the first to suggest some kind of gambling scheme for the game. If you do, at best, several guests will think you make a living that way. At worst, you will have several disputes around who really won and will be forced to double-pay several to keep the peace.

2 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not become overly obnoxious when your team is ahead. If you do, at best, the lead will be short-lived. At worst, someone will take an exception to your attitude since they feel bad about their team being behind. As much as they have tried to remain under control, as they learned in group therapy sessions, they are just beginning to lose their grip on reality while holding your shirt.

1 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not even think of driving your car if you have been drinking. If you do, there is no best or worst, just the potential for disaster for you or an innocent bystander.

 

This post originally ran on October 13, 2014. Since some of us are still over seventy, repeating might make sense.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

10 If you are over seventy, make sure the foreign object you think is in your food is really there. If you don’t, at best, the store manager will give you your money back but will give you that “old person” roll of the eyes. At worst, the object turns out to be your glasses that fell off while you were looking closely to find out what it was. This will be discovered by the customer service person surrounded by twenty other diners.

9 If you are over seventy, do not think you can ride a bicycle at top speed, wipe out, and bounce like you did when you were fifty. If you do, at best, you will have a nice reminder as you soak in a hot bathtub and eat aspirin-like M&Ms. At worst, you will be among the lucky few spending several hours in the ER surrounded by one hundred really sick and injured people who all got there ahead of you.

8 If you are over seventy, do not try to leave the house without your glasses. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to read the credit card terminal at the checkout counter and sign whatever is there, and it matches what you bought. At worst, you will be clueless when the bank teller asks you to sign the withdrawal slip made out for you, and four days later, you read in the local newspaper that the teller is spending three weeks in Aruba.

7 If you are over seventy, do not decide the surfing competition looks winnable since there is only one entrant in the seventy and above bracket. If you do, at best, you will have nothing more catastrophic than looking like a fool. At worst, you will wipe out and ground yourself on the beach, where the medal committee will erect a monument in your honor.

6 If you are over seventy, do not think your dance routine is still in. If you do, at best, the rest of the crowd will be laughing behind your back. At worst, your routine will take up so much room and bump so many people the bouncer will remove you for your own protection

5 If you are above seventy, do not go anywhere near a Karaoke machine. If you do, at best, you will get a short, slow song you can handle poorly. At worst, you will pull a rap number and scare yourself with the words that scroll across the screen, reminding you that being scared is unsuitable for your pacemaker performance.

4 If you are over seventy, do not drive in the left lane ever. If you do, at best, you will wonder what all those hand signals mean in the context of driving. At worst, you will have a monster truck come so close to your rear bumper that you will be forced to look in the rearview mirror only to swerve into some hapless seventy-year-old next to you.

3 If you are over seventy, do not raise your arms above your head if you are wearing short sleeves; if you do, at best, you won’t notice the extra movement of skin and will think the wind is picking up. At worst, you will cause enough stares to stop traffic with those undulating biceps that seem to have fallen to the underside of your arm.

2 If you are over seventy, do not go to a restaurant any time earlier than 7:00. If you do, at best, you will get the early bird menu and won’t really find green Jell-O to your liking. At worst, a youthful server will insist that you genuinely enjoy the breaded fish sticks instead of the sizeable juicy steak you intended. “Besides,” she says. “It is much easier to chew.”

1 If you are over Seventy, do not try to tell stories about how great it was in the old days. If you do, At best, you will finish your stories to yourself. At worst, you will notice people running away as you come close, and it won’t be because you have worn the same clothes for five days. (well, maybe)

The inspiration for this list is a jam-packed three weeks of American football playoffs. (Notice, Dale, I called out the distinction.) You may not be a fan, but if you are, here is a friendly list of things not to do.

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the NFL Conference Championships

10 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not talk smack about your team’s opponent. If you do, at best, your team will move on to the Super Bowl. At worst, you may be served a big dish of cold crow by all who heard your talk. (You were sure your team would win, huh, Bunky. Now you have a full year of black poultry eating.)

9 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not plan anything important on that Sunday. If you do, at best, you’ll disappoint others. At worst, you will miss the game. (It just so happened your team lost by one point as the opponents went for the extra two points with two seconds to play. Way to let them down, Tex.)

8 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not think you can run to the store for basic food and beverage items. If you do, at best, you’ll get there and back before the first game. At worst, you’ll join one hundred of your fellow fans in a frenzy at halftime, fighting over the last bag of Cheetos. (Don’t be afraid. Tiny, the WWF champ, is asking you nicely to let go of that six-pack. He only gets mad if you ignore his growl, Merle.)

7 During the NFL Conference Championships, don’t try to grill dinner without a TV close at hand. If you do, at best, you’ll miss key plays watching that steak. At worst, you planned to time the steak for halftime but now have something resembling blackened cedar plank. (You totally forgot about the meat, right, Buford?)

6 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not accept an invitation to a house where you have no idea of the media capabilities of the host. If you do, at best, you will try to watch the game on inferior equipment. At worst, your host was not aware of the playoffs, and besides, he and his family have taken a no-TV pledge. (The only set in the garage is a black and white rabbit-eared portable that sparks when you turn it on, Bruce..)

5 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not try to entertain your in-laws during the game. If you do, at best, you will have a difficult time handling both assignments. At worst, your in-laws will no longer be interested in the game and will ask if they can watch the movie Heidi instead. (Well, Ferd. You did try, and now you must turn to Heidi on this TV and go to your room.)

4 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not answer your phone. If you do, at best, it will be your talkative sister who doesn’t have a clue about football. At worst, it will be your boss who has no life and has decided to call a strategy meeting that should go on until midnight. (You could have said you were sorry on Monday, Pud.)

3 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not allow anyone you don’t know in your house. If you do, at best, you will be interrupted to play host to them. At worst, just your luck, the couple from your spouse’s work wants to share with you the idea that they think football is a metaphor for the male-dominated society and they believe it should be banned. (If you knew these people, you could tell them to have a big cup of shut the f*#k up, huh, Pilgrim?)

2 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not try anything funny or different with your TV. If you do, at best, you will only trip the circuit breaker. At worst, you will mess up enough to take out the city grid. (The news says the power will be back on around midnight, Buster. You can watch the game on your iPad, provided the battery holds. If not, there is always the Today Show recap. Way after Al Roker and the weather.)

1 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not overserve yourself even if things are not going well for your team. If you do, at best, the end of the evening may come too early. At worst, getting carried away with the game ended with a toss of your remote aimed for the referee which passed through the big screen on its one-thousand-mile trip. (Until then, it was an exciting game, huh, Dip?)

 

 

The inspiration for this list is the fact that this week is Thanksgiving here in the US. There have been several Thanksgiving situations that I personally witnessed, and I thought it would be fun to capture them and provide ample warning for your occasion this year. If you have ever done any of these things, it might be a nice change to sit back and let others have center stage this year.

10 On Thanksgiving, do not try to prepare the perfect Turkey. If you do, at best, you’ll have reason to cry. At worst, not only is this year’s turkey not perfect, it is the worst one ever. (Nothing like eating what resembles dry balsa wood, huh, Chandler?)

9 On Thanksgiving, do not invite your cousin Tiny, the WWF wrestling champ, to your house for dinner. If you do, at best, you’ll possibly get by with only a broken dining room chair. At worst, Tiny and your uncle Jim will continue the feud that began last year’s Thanksgiving dinner. (Who is going to clean up what looks like a movie bar fight scene in your living room, Cohen? Not to mention reviving Aunt Helen.)

8 On Thanksgiving, do not try out that experimental stuffing recipe on the family. If you do, at best, you’ll have plenty left over. At worst, the family will feel cheated out of a traditional dinner. (Who started the food fight is not a question that needs an answer right now, Canyon. It is probably more important to get that stuff off the walls before it hardens.)

7 On Thanksgiving, do not think you can deep-fry your Turkey in the kitchen. If you do, at best, your place will smell like an oil derrick for a month. At worst, the fire department will declare what’s left of your house and lot a hazardous waste site. (Who is going to cover the EPA bill for clean-up, Channing?)

6 On Thanksgiving, do not think it is a good idea to start serving mimosas at eleven o’clock. If you do, at best, you’ll run out of Champaign before everyone is blitzed. At worse, all your guests have lost interest in the dinner and are out in the yard trying to work off the Champaign with touch football. (Don’t worry, Cortez. Sooner or later, they will be back for the leftovers.)

5 On Thanksgiving, do not try some unnatural seating configuration, thinking it will liven the conversation. If you do, at best, you won’t seat sworn enemies next to each other. At worst, since you now have strangers all having to talk to strangers, the sound of crickets is deafening. (That magazine suggestion doesn’t seem all that good right now, does it, Cord?)

4 On Thanksgiving, do not think everyone in the world would enjoy a tofu turkey. If you do, at best, the polite ones will give it a try. At worst, you will wonder why all your guests are on the phone ordering Domino’s delivery. (The fact that you were looking out for everyone’s health doesn’t seem worthwhile now, Cable.)

3 On Thanksgiving, do not think because you hate pumpkin pie, everyone else does as well. If you do, at best, your banana creme will be well received. At worst, the traditionalists will find an excuse to leave early so they can pick up a frozen Mrs. Smith’s pumpkin pie. (Hare to believe you only have one guest remaining, isn’t it, Cacey?)

2 On Thanksgiving, do not think sharing leftovers is not expected. If you do, at best, you’ll get some strange looks as people leave. At worst, your loudest relative will ask out loud, What? No leftovers to take home? (Maybe you should have put together some to-go containers, Cadell. Well, there is always next year if any return.)

1 On Thanksgiving, do not think you can turn off the football game. If you do, at best, you’ll have some complaints. At worst, you will discover most of the guests in your bedroom watching the game anyway. (It is shocking that people want to watch a game even if it is the two worst teams playing. Right, Cadell?)

 

This post ran on September 18, 2017; given the coming winter storm weather, it could happen to all of us.

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The inspiration for this list came from living without the internet and very spotty cell service for the last two weeks. It took me a while to get used to the fact that I could not do what has become everyday activities with my devices.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Internet and Cell Service Are Down

10 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to send emails. If you do, at best, you’ll never get an answer. At worst, you will convince yourself that you have been cut off from the world and will start filling bottles with notes. (Forget the fact that the most significant body of water near you is the dog dish, Barnaby.)

9 If your internet and cell service are down, do not look for “likes” on that last selfie. If you do, at best, you’ll think no one saw it. At worst, you’ll feel no one actually liked your selfie and could spiral into a black hole of self-doubt. (Your raging FOMO is about to overtake you, huh, Barlow?)

8 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think you can poach off your neighbor. If you do, at best, they will have a secure connection. At worst, your neighbor’s brother-in-law, Tiny, the WWF champ who just returned from survival school, will notice you crouched in the bushes close to the house. (That scream you are hearing was taught to Tiny to throw off the enemy he is about to pounce upon. Guess who, Bartek?)

7 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think you can sneak into a coffee house and use theirs without buying anything. If you do, at best, the manager is sixteen years old and afraid of you. At worst, the manager is a retired Marine who has just been told by a twenty-year-old District Manager that they will be fired if they allow poaching of the WiFi. (Looks like you made it out of there unscathed. Too bad about that flying laptop. The landing was not pretty right, Bastian?)

6 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to meet your book publication deadline in spite of the difficulties. If you do, at best, you will be forced to set a new deadline. At worst, you will end up bald and with a bad case of PPSD. (That’s Post Publish Stress Disorder Bubba.)

5 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to stream a movie that you have wanted to watch. If you do, at best,  you’ll have to watch an old Harry Potter DVD. At worst, you’ll refuse to believe that the “LOADING” sign is a lie. (So after watching the LOADING sign for two hours, maybe it’s time to call it a night, Bub.)

4 If your internet and cell service are down, do not keep picking up your phone after every little noise. If you do, at best, you’ll be continually reminded that it’s gone. At worst, you might develop a tick requiring long-term therapy. (Try explaining to the doctor that your illness is cell phone related, Berkley.)

3 If your internet and cell service are down, do not put your life on hold until they return. If you do, at best, you’ll miss out on trying new things. At worst, your family will begin to wonder if they need to orchestrate an intervention. (Sitting in a chair all day will not bring the internet and cell service back faster, Bixby.)

2 If your internet and cell service are down, do not lay out sheets in the backyard spelling the words, “Help, I Have No Internet.” If you do, at best, a passing helicopter will drop some supplies in your yard. At worst, the Channel Six news team will hover above you and broadcast a story about the world’s shallowest individual. (You could have guessed the story would go viral, right, Bojan?)

1 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think anyone will miss you on your social media accounts. If you do, at best, your feeling of isolation will drive you to books. At worst, you take to standing at the traffic light with a sign that says, “Will work for Tweets.” (Notice how many drivers look away when you get near, Benny?)

This post was originally run on May 8th, 2017. I think the advice still holds true.

* * *

The inspiration for the list was the rotation of an old car for a new car for The Producer. Yes, it was her turn for a new vehicle and brought to mind some of the things that I will never even think of doing in it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car

10 In your spouse’s new car, do not eat fast food anything. If you do, at best, the lingering smell will give you away. At worst, all efforts to contain the mustard will fail in one small conspicuous spot. (You never thought mustard could stain leather, did you, Ferd?)

9 In your spouse’s new car, do not park anywhere near the shopping cart return area. If you do, at best, all the returns will be in the slot. At worst, the car will collect shopping carts like a magnet. (Maybe you could claim you were attacked by zombie shopping carts, huh, Bosco?)

8 In your spouse’s new car, do not take the dog. If you do, at best, you’ll need to vacuum out the hair. At worst, the dog needed a nail trim and a bath, so now the seats are not only dirty but also scratched. (You could claim a wild raccoon got in an open window or just leave home, Buford.)

7 In your spouse’s new car, do not pick up anything from Home Depot. If you do, at best, the potting soil dirt can be cleaned up. At worst, the technician forgot to replace the oil cap on that chain saw, which makes the back seat area look like a CSI crime scene. (Don’t worry about the consequences Tex. You won’t live to see tomorrow.)

6 In your spouse’s new car, do not follow that gravel truck. If you do at best, you’ll stay back far enough to avoid the falling rocks. At worst, the replacement windshield is only $1200.00. (You better hope the guy can get it done today, huh, Bunky?)

5 In your spouse’s car, do not park in a tight spot. If you do, at best, your neighbors will take great care not to ding your car. At worst, you’ve blocked in Tiny, the WWF champ who has just arrived to attend his first counseling session on overcoming claustrophobia. (No telling when he will stop trying to get out of his car. Maybe when his door falls off, or the new car has been crushed enough to give him freedom, Putz.)

4 In your spouse’s car, do not change the radio. If you do, at best, you can remember to set it back to the original station. At worst, you will forget and be the recipient of a “no use” order. (Hard to follow that order when your car is blocked in, huh, Buster? Hint. Don’t even think about taking that new car. Get that old Schwinn.)

3 In your spouse’s car, do not exceed the speed limit when told not to do it. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, even though you tried to cover it up, your ticket is being used as a training event for the local police and covered by the six o’clock news. (Your best bet is to hit the circuit breaker at 5:59 and blame a power outage. Handling the neighbor’s phone calls will be a trickier matter huh, Ralph?)

2 In your spouse’s car, do not have a cup of hot coffee while you drive. If you do, at best, that small spill will be caught by your shirt. At worst, the unseen pothole makes the coffee go airborne, leaving some interesting stain patterns on the light-colored upholstery. (You now know that those OXY-Clean commercials overpromise, huh, Pal?)

1 In your spouse’s car, do not drive on that new asphalt road. If you do, at best, a few spots will come off with mineral spirits. At worst, your spouse’s white car appears as if it is a prop in a new One Hundred and One Dalmatian film promotion. (The sad part is you were told to avoid that area, right, Pard?)