Top Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation time

June 7, 2021June 6, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 91 Comments

This post originally ran on June 8th, 2015. Although COVID has replaced physical ceremonies with virtual, it still seems relevant.

The inspiration for this list is the fact that it is graduation season. When you think of all the graduations that are being held in the US alone, you realize the potential exists that these ten things occur with similar results. I hope you enjoy the list and can manage to avoid them.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time

10 If you are a graduate, do not put something dumb on your mortar. If you do, at best, even if your family sees you, they will not want to admit you belong to them. At worst, the picture taken of your message will go viral and will show up every time someone searches your name on Google, including prospective employers.

9 If you are a graduate parent, do not blow any type of horn when your child receives their diploma. If you do, at best, you will cause your kid to want to find another home. At worst, that big over trained guy in front of you is fighting a hangover and will help you stow your horn where you will not want it stored.

8 If you are a speaker at graduation, do not tell the graduates that the world is looking to them for salvation. If you do, at best, your cliché will remind everyone just how out of it you are. At worst, your words will be quoted in some satirical publications that will point out just how many times graduating classes heard the same words throughout the millennium.

7 If your graduate has decided to skip the ceremony, do not fight the decision. If you do, at best, your child will make attending the ceremony sound like parental abuse. At worst, the child will attend with something dumb written on the mortar to the tune of “my parents made me do this,” and you can expect the message broadcasted worldwide.

6 If your family is experiencing graduation, do not think this indicates your job as a parent is complete. If you do, at best, you will be surprised by requests for help as life commences. At worst, you will need counseling to overcome the feeling of failure as your child asks to move into your spare room.

5 If you are the graduation ceremony organizer, do not think everything will run smoothly because of your careful planning. If you do at best, you will be unprepared when something goes wrong. At worst, you will not know what to do with a thousand champaign corks bouncing off the facility and school officials even though you banned the presence of alcohol at the ceremony.

4 If you are holding a graduation party, do not leave your house even though you trust your loving child to be trustworthy and in control. If you do, at best, a few more guests who were not expected will attend with little consequence. At worst, the state police will look for you to help fund the fire department, EMS, and SWAT team expenses that were incurred to break up the party and put out the fire destroying yours and two neighbor houses

3 If you have a graduate, do not overdo the gift. If you do, at best, your child will expect a similar prize for other accomplishments. At worst, someday, it will need to be replaced, and the words about the child being on their own when you gave the gift are forgotten.

2 If you are attending a graduation ceremony, do not treat the event as if it is a football game. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks when you enter the stand with the school colors and jersey and that giant foam # 1 hand. At worst, you will get many interested police and firefighters responding to the school complaint regarding the bratwurst you are grilling at your tailgate gathering.

1 If you have a graduate, do not keep telling them how amazed you are that they made it through school. If you do, at best, they will think you did not have faith in their abilities. At worst, you will give the child a complex that will be manifest in the longing for a career in fast food service as a grill person.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Visiting a Bar

May 24, 2021May 23, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

Photo of a bar — Unsplash image by Freebirds

This post was originally run on May 25th, 2015. It was a cautionary prescription before the Memorial Day holiday

Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Bar

10 If you are visiting a bar, do not stand too close to someone expecting them to talk to you. If you do, at best, they will move away. At worst, you might be surprised to find yourself an unwilling volunteer for a jujitsu demonstration with you as a student. (That thumb hold is pretty painful)

9 If you are visiting a bar, do not order a flaming drink for any reason. If you do, at best, you will confirm your narcissistic tendencies. At worst, your concoction will catch the back bar on fire, and the four-alarm fire department response cost will put your credit card into default.(you lit up the night though)

8 If you are visiting a bar, do not join others in doing shots. If you do at best, you will fall unconscious. At worst, you will be on your feet but engaged in behavior that you will not recall at your trial.(But you are sure you had fun)

7. If you are visiting a bar, do not get up on the karaoke stage no matter what. If you do, At best, you will be coerced into singing a song that you have never heard of before. At worst, you will be idiot enough to tackle Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and to attempt to sing all the parts. (The “We will not let him go” part got you)

6 If you are visiting a bar, do not join a discussion about sports if you don’t know anything about sports. If you do, at best, your companions will have proof that you are an idiot. At worst, Tiny, the guy whose facts you were challenging, will finally have had enough and provide you with your solo flying lesson. (That landing will be pretty rough)

5 If you are visiting a bar, do not insist that the band play your song. If you do, at best, the band will ignore you totally. At worst, the huge guy with the word SECURITY on his back will be helping you to the exit to the amusement of the patrons and joy of the band. ( I think if you had just asked once they might have played your song)

4 If you are visiting a bar, do not try to duck buying a round. If you do, at best, you will soon be drinking alone. At worst, your companions will shame you into buying a drink which to your s everyone in the bar as arranged by your former friends. (Would have been cheaper the other way)

3 If you are visiting a bar, do not challenge the house champion to a game to impress others. If you do, at best, you will be beaten so badly that all those who you wanted to impress think you are a dope. At worst, you will get into several double or nothing bets that will end up with you no longer having a car. (Walking is good for your health)

2 If you are visiting a bar, do not send back a plate of food no matter how bad. If you do, at best, those who you are with will wonder why you had the poor judgment to order food in a bar in the first place. At worst, your plate will return from the kitchen with some additional ingredients courtesy of the night cook and his dog. (Don’t even taste it)

1 If you are visiting a bar, do not accept the pickled egg eating challenge. If you do, at best, you will be finished for the night. At worst, you will be feeling the physical effects of too many pickled eggs for the next week, including sleeping alone in the yard. (Think about it next time)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Whole Foods

May 10, 2021May 9, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

This post was originally run on April 7th, 2015. I hope you get a laugh or two out of this re-run.

Top Ten Things Not to do at Whole Foods

10 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think you are at a discount outlet. If you do, at best, your heart will hit a never before achieved rate at checkout. At worst, you will have to do the wait of shame while the checker calls the stock person to return everything you were forced to give up at the checkout. (The people behind you have a feeling of love right now.)

9 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think the salad bar is a taste first, then buy spot. If you do, at best, store security will remind you loudly that you are not to eat anything before checking out. At worst, you might be asked to weigh in for a residual weight charge on your next visit. (You will be asked loudly for your weight prior to entering the store.)

8 If you are at Whole Foods and are having a salad to go, do not forget the price is by the pound. If you do, at best, you may have loaded your salad with heavy veggies that will lighten your cash. At worst, you will come to realize for the cost of the salad, you could have bought a farm and raised your own. (You will need a horse, of course.)

7 If you are at Whole Foods, do not go there hungry. If you do, at best, you will overspend dramatically. At worst, you will come face to face with the reason the store has the nickname “Whole Paycheck.”( Yes, you can get a loan for your next trip.)

6 If you are at Whole Foods, do not decide to discuss politics with the essential oil and vitamin store person. If you do, at best, you will have to listen to some very disturbing theories on the government’s use of food to eliminate its enemies. At worse, you might find yourself involved in a discussion and resulting firm request to join the Retake the Food underground, which has only one satisfactory conclusion, and that is to run out of the store. (You are lucky you didn’t sign up.)

5 If you are in Whole Foods, do not joke around about wanting more trans-fat in your diet. If you do, at best, you will receive some pretty strange looks. At worst, you might be wrestled to the ground by well-meaning food cranks in an effort to save your mortal self from a fate worse than nicotine addiction. (Now that you are tied up, maybe you can explain it was a joke.)

4 If you are in Whole Foods, do not reach over the counter to help yourself if you sit at the wine bar. If you do, at best, you might be asked to leave. At worst, you may be banned from Whole Foods for up to a year that they consider the ultimate punishment. (As if anyone could stand not to visit for a year.)

3 If you are at Whole Foods and are looking for organic potato chips understand they still are not a good thing to eat. If you forget, at best, you might wonder where you got that extra ten pounds. At worst, you will no doubt feel comfortable consuming organic potato chips until you no longer feel comfortable in your clothes. (The calories jump on the body the same way organic or no.)

2 If you are at Whole Foods and want a breakfast taco. Remember, the prices of the extras beyond the tortilla are on an individual basis. If you forget, at best, you will have the most expensive taco you have ever had. At worst, you will need to make a run to the bank before your number comes up.(You can leave a security deposit to hold your place.)

1 If you are at Whole Foods and decide to have a cup of coffee, do not think you can just order a cup of coffee. If you do, at best, the rest of the line will wonder what planet you were from as you stumble through the process. At worst, you will finally walk away with a cup of something that will closely resemble an oil change in the rainforest. ( That buzz you feel is all-natural.)

Top Ten Things not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper

April 26, 2021April 25, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 108 Comments

Photo of a store aisle — Unsplash photo by Natalia Rosa

This list was originally posted on April 27th, 2015. Since I have violated many of the suggestions here and have been banned from grocery shopping as well as laundry, I thought a review would be in order. I hope you like it.

This list is inspired by my spouse tapping to do the grocery shopping while she was on a trip. It is true in our house, our chores are divided according to talent. I have no talent in the area of grocery shopping. I cook competently and do dishes (uh, load the dishwasher). I also do not do laundry and not because I have a problem doing it. At one time, we had pink towels and sheets from formerly white is the main reason for being banned from the laundry.

Top Ten Things Not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper

The major tenant. If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best, you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class run by your spouse on the principle of wasting money.

10 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to substitute items on the list. If you do, at best, your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that the entire family has gotten sick after eating one time before. (Pureed squash is never a good idea, Sam.)

9 If you are asked to shop, do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best, you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on wasting money. (Take plenty of notes, Nerd.)

8 If you are asked to shop, do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best, some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices, and your bill will be above the all-time high that will not be a good thing. (That second job is going to be a pain, Pal.)

7 If you are asked to shop, do not think you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best, you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and their effect on the environment. (You may even be sent on a plastic bag scavenger hunt, Herb.)

6 If you are asked to shop, do not think your newness will excuse you from checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best, a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, you will be recognized and reported to your spouse with the resulting discussion on proper store protocol. (Going home will not be pleasant, Buba.)

5 If you asked to shop, do not think you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best, you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot, causing a loss of the items that, as reminded by store personnel, are after the fact payment-wise. (No refunds on broken jars of pasta sauce, Ferd.)

4 If you are asked to shop, do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries, including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky. (Have some more jerky stew, Bub.)

3 If you are asked to shop, do not take any of your friends with you. If you do, at best, you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst, your friends will talk you into hosting a poker game this week, and you’ll have bought all the snacks and beer. (The explaining of this phenomenon will be the challenge of the year)

2 If you are asked to shop, do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (Marshmallows in cereal is a no-no.)

1 If you are asked to shop, no matter how much you feel you are putting your life on the line, you cannot refuse. If you do, at best, you may hurt your spouse’s feelings. At worst, you will be the cause of a relatively significant family argument that won’t end well in terms of the next time you need a favor. (You should have learned this lesson long ago.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Birdwatching

April 12, 2021April 11, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

This post was originally run on April 11th, 2016. I hope you enjoy it.

The inspiration for this list is the fact that birds of all kinds are in the process of migration and spring has sprung. I thought I would start off with a little bird joke.

Vultures
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.

“Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked.

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”*

*Courtesy of http://Hungarianbirdwatching.com

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Birdwatching

10 If you are birdwatching, do not leave home without your species checklist. If you do, at best, you will not know the species of birds in your area. At worst, you will broadcast to every watcher for ten miles that you have no idea what you are doing. (Which is the case, right? Slick.)

9 If you are birdwatching, do not ask someone if you could borrow their binoculars. If you do, at best, you will get a lecture on proper preparedness for birdwatching. At worst, the folks you ask will spread the word that you are an escaped mental patient. (Who else would ask for binoculars. It’s like using someone else’s toothbrush.)

8 If you are birdwatching, do not take a guess out loud about the species of bird. If you do, and you are wrong, your fellow birders will pounce as if they are Panthers to correct you. At worst, the leader of the group will ask you kindly to sit at the edge of the road with the hopes you will be run over. (Man, these folks are serious)

7 If you are birdwatching, do not toss terms like mantle, bib, and flair around lightly. If you do, at best, you will broadcast the fact that you should have stayed home. At worst, you might be responsible for that kindly old gent finally going postal after being so patient with you. (He is certainly agile with that cane, isn’t he?)

6 If you are birdwatching, do not snicker at the apparel of your fellow birdwatchers. If you do, at best, they all will be too busy to notice. At worst, they will all snicker at you when you need hospital care for the sunburn, chigger, and tick bites. (How’s that Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever treating you?)

5 If you are bird watching, do not make any sudden noises. If you do, at best, you will capture the frown crown. At worst, your noise caused the rare Tillywinkle Warbler to take flight, causing most of the group to miss the sighting. (Does that group murmuring sound like an old west posse?)

4 If you are bird watching, do not pull out a pastrami sandwich to munch on while looking at birds. If you do, at best, your fellow birders will try to ignore you and the pastrami. At worst, the leader will offer a kindly suggestion about the appropriate place for that sandwich. (No one told you that eating and bird watching are not allowed. The location suggested for the sandwich sounded quite impractical and dark, didn’t it?)

3 If you are bird watching, do not yell “Tally Ho” when you sight a rare species. If you do, at best, the bird will fly away. At worst, the group is not carrying a defibrillator to handle what could be resultant heart attacks. (Those old folks go down like ten-pins, right, Buster?)

2 If you are bird watching, do not offer your fellow watchers a pull from the old flask. If you do, at best, they will try to lose you in the woods. At worst, just as you thought you were getting along, you realize the group is setting you up for an intervention. (After all, no self-respecting birder would chance anything that would interfere with seeing the birds. Therefore, you need help)

1 If you are bird watching, do not walk and watch at the same time. If you do, At best, that hole you stepped in is only a few inches deep. At worst, you could walk off the end of the swamp pier and into the waiting jaws of “Old Hickory,” the crocodile. (He gets, at least, one a month this way.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of the Postal Service in 1792. – Redo

February 15, 2021February 15, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Happy President’s Day.

Sunday was hectic getting ready for single-digit temperatures hitting our area. As a result, I simply did not have enough time to put together a Top Ten post. Hopefully, you will enjoy this one from February 18th, 2019. Also, I’m at Story Empire talking about prompts should you care to visit there as well.

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical backdrop. This week marks the anniversary of the founding of the postal service in 1792. If you have access to a time travel machine, please take this list with you should you land in 1792. It might help avoid some embarrassment if you end up at the first post office.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of the Postal Service in 1792.

10 If you are at the founding of the Postal Service, do not ask for a roll of stamps. If you do, at best the clerk will be confused. At worst, they will think you are joking with a Federal employee. (Since stamps were not introduced until 1847, you are now involved in a controversy, Greggory. Fooling with a Federal Employee carries a $100.00 fine and ten days in jail or both.)

9 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not yell at Tiny the WWF champ who is working at the postal service to pay off his assault and battery fine. If you do, at best Tiny will have taken his medication. At worst, Tiny is the first recorded episode of an employee “going postal.” (Now you’ve done it, Gregos. You’ve been the reason for the creation of a whole new verb. Countless Postal employees will curse your name from this time on.)

8 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not lie to the clerk about the contents of your package. If you do, at best no one will be any the wiser. At worst, your package has been randomly chosen for inspection. (Funny how those twelve unpaid for letters got into that shipment of socks isn’t it? Grigory? You’ll need a bag of pence to rectify this situation.)

7 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not mark your package fragile. If you do, at best it will be handled carefully. At worst, the word will be a challenge to all handlers to see how well you packed your item. (I guess the recipient of your package was quite surprised to receive a present of ground glass for their birthday, Gualtiero. You could tell them that it is a do it yourself crystal vase hobby kit.)

6 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not mark your letter “air mail.” If you do, at best the clerk will think you have nothing in the envelope. At worst, your letter will end up on Ben Franklin’s desk since it is assumed his experiments with kites have something to do with your correspondence. (In this case, Gunny your private love note has been published in the Philadelphia Inquirer newspaper to the delight of hundreds. Good thing you didn’t sign it.)

5 if you are at the founding of the postal service, do not ring that little bell under the sign that says ‘ring bell for service.’ If you do, at best no one will come anyway. At worst, you’ll be facing a clerk who was just having a sandwich in the back. (That white linen envelope you carefully picked out to deliver your valentine is now decorated with a mustard thumbprint, Gustavus. Best not say anything.)

4 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not stare at the person looking at all the fugitive wanted posters. If you do, at best they are only curious. At worst, they are wanted for robbery and murder and are checking to see if there are any posters on them. (Try to look away quickly, Gwallter. Making eye contact with that person will be hazardous to your health. Oops too late.)

3 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not take the quill pen at the desk. If you do, at best you can call it an accident. At worst, the clerk will alert the sheriff that you have stolen government property. (What a beautiful mess. If only there had been a chain on that quill, Gwernach. Oh well, ten years at hard labor will pass quickly.)

2 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not moan out loud at the unusually long time it seems to take to serve the ten patrons in line ahead of you. If you do, at best everyone will think you have a toothache. At worst, your displeasure will be met with increased slowness on the part of the patrons and clerk. (The guy at the counter is asking the clerk for directions to Plymouth for heaven’s sake. You should have kept quiet, Gwyn.)

1 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not attempt to mail an oversized package. If you do, at best the clerk will tell you to go away. At worst, you will be advised to read the rules and regulations of acceptable package dimensions. (If you are incredibly unlucky, Gavin the clerk will read you the rules word for word. That is payback for the person who moaned behind you.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Official Establishment of Hollywood in 1887

February 1, 2021January 31, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 81 Comments

Harvey Wilcox – Registered Hollywood in 1887. Wikipedia image

Today marks the 134th anniversary of Hollywood’s official registration with the Los Angles County recorders office in 1887. I know I would like to go there and see what the beginning looks like. We need to take out the top ten list to avoid any tear in the time continuum. James’s Oldsmobile is ready so let’s get going.

James’s Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop

10 If you go, do not say anything bad about Kansas. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, Harvey Wilcox will be standing right behind you. (For your information, Mahpee, Harvy, the guy who registered Hollywood, came to Southern California from Kansas. I think I would say “go Jayhawkers,” and walk away.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, for directions to the Walk of Fame. If you do, at best, Tiny will be on his lunch break and not hear you for the chewing. At worst, Tiny will realize he has no idea where the Walk of Fame is located since it is not in place yet since it was built in 1953. (you must know what happens when Tiny gets confused, Maichail. I would just lay back and enjoy the pinwheel drop. We have plenty of Ben-Gay.)

8 If you go, do not use any curse words. If you do, at best, Wilcox won’t hear you. At worst, you will look up after hitting your thumb with a hammer, and he’ll be there. (Harvey Wilcox came from Topeka to establish a utopian vice free community. Your blue language has his ears burning, Maitland. Speaking of burning, I wonder how Harvey’s eyes feel boring into yours?)

7 If you go, do not mention alcohol. If you do, at best, Daeida Wilcox will be otherwise distracted. At worst, she and Harvey will think you need saving. (The two of them are prohibitionists, Makaio. You can now look forward to an interdiction and 24 hours’ worth of instruction on the evils of alcohol.)

6 If you go, do not scoff at the name Hollywood. If you do, at best, the Wilcocks will be in the city. At worst, they will overhear you. (Since Daeida came up with the name, Makin, Harvey wants satisfaction. His second just hit you with a glove made of armor. When you wake up the whole thing may have blown over. doubt it.)

5 If you go, do not ask about where the Hollywood sign went. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, Wilcox will think it a great idea. (Now you have altered time, Maks. The Hollywood sign was erected in the hills in 1923 and originally advertised a new community called Hollywoodland. The sign originally said Hollywoodland but was shortened in 1943. What are we going to do with this sign in the middle of town?)

4 If you go, do not mention film making. If you do, at best, only the workers will hear you. At worst, Wilcox will want to know what you are talking about. (You better not detail that in 1900 filmmakers fled the State of New Jersey to get away from Thomas Edison’s attempts to monopolize the industry. If you do, Malek old Wilcox will have a heart attack. Works of the devil in his mind.)

3 If you go, do not talk about the Oscars. If you do, at best, people will think you are talking about your uncle. At worst, Wilcox will get wind of your conversation. (Sure enough, Mallory, Wilcox wants you in jail. The idea of promoting film making he believes to be a sin. Since the first Oscars were awarded in 1929, you could have skipped the discussion. I guess it is too late. Here comes two of Hollywood’s finest.)

2 If you go, do not comment on the streets of Hollywood. If you do, at best, you won’t be heard. At worst, Wilcox will be right there when you make your statement. (Wilcox was the guy who laid out the dirt streets lined with pepper trees, Maloney. Although not appealing to everyone, they had a certain sparseness he favored. He is giving you a chance to run. I would take it.)

1 If you go, do not recommend planting English holly to back up the name Hollywood. If you do, at best, the guy planting pepper trees will ignore you. At worst, Wilcox will like the idea. (Unfortunately, Malyn English Holly needs more water than that available in Los Angles’ desert climate. Now that Wilcox planted all that holly, he is looking to you to find a way to irrigate it. Put down that watering can. You are going to need more than that.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Discovery of the World’s Largest Diamond in 1905

January 25, 2021January 24, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 95 Comments

In 1905 the world’s largest diamond was found on this day, January 25th. It was found in the Premier Mine in Pretoria, South Africa. We all need to go and take a look at this giant rock. Of course, we need to take our list of things not to do so that we don’t cause a tear in the time continuum. So, let’s get in James’s Oldsmobile and head for South Africa. We can wave hello to Robbie Cheadle on the way by.

10 If you go, do not pick up anything in the mine. If you do, at best, it will be a pebble. At worst, you’ll have your fingers around an uncut diamond. (Right now, the boss of the mine is thinking about turning you upside down, Meblevi. He is wondering how many more you have picked up. By upside down, he means hanging in the elevator shaft by your ankles till everything in your pockets falls out.)

9 If you go, do not ignore Tiny, the WWF champ, when he warns you to stay back behind the line. If you do, at best, Tiny will be looking the other way. At worst, Tiny, who has missed five days of his Prosac medication, will think you are challenging his authority. (Now you’ve done it, Macbeth. You have hurt Tiny’s feelings, and he thinks it is a good idea to hurt yours. He won’t use words, though. That body slam just might fill the bill as far as he is concerned.)

8 If you go, do not brag about giving your financé a one-carat diamond ring. If you do, at best, everyone will stifle their laughs. At worse, you will cause the entire mining company to have fits of laughter until they choke. (The diamond found is 3,106 carats and weighs 1.33 pounds, MacGregor. It’s no wonder you have become the laughing stock of the place. Oh, by the way, the foreman wants to talk to you about the massive work interruption. He doesn’t look pleased either.)

7 If you go, do not mention out loud that you think the name of the diamond, The Cullinan, is silly. If you do, at best, no one is listening to you. At worst, Sir Thomas Cullinan, for whom the diamond is named, will be standing right behind you. (Sir Thomas also owns the mine, MacKenzie. When Fredrick Welles, the mine’s superintendent, discovered the diamond, it was immediately given to Sir Thomas and then named The Cullinan. Looks like Fredrick would like to see you outside. Wonder what he is going to do with that pick?)

6 If you go, do not ask Sir Cullinan what he intends to do with the diamond. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. At worst, you’ll ask in a room full of people. (It seems, X that Sir Cullinan intends to sell the diamond to the Transvaal provincial government of South Africa for £150,000, which is North of £15 million today. (Not everyone will like that idea, Macklin. Now Sir Cullinan will have to figure out what to do with you. Hmmm, they are pouring concrete in shaft number two. I would stay away from there if I were you.)

5 If you go, do not mention your knowledge that the Transvaal government plans to give the diamond to Edward VII of England as a token of esteem. If you do, at best everyone will think it a good idea. At worst, people will get suspicious about where you came up with the information. (Well, MacNab, it looks like your time travel ability might be uncovered. If I were you, I’d just tell everyone you are drunk and laugh it off. Of course, Louis Bofa, the prime minister, is sending some thugs to pick you up.)

4 If you go, do not talk about how the stone was transported to England from South Africa. If you do, at best, most everyone is avoiding you by now. At worst, there is an interested party who is taking notes. (The stone was placed in the captain’s safe and then guarded around the clock on its trip to England. This is the story you told, MacPherson. In actuality, the stone was shipped by regular post. The ship with all the guards was a ruse. It arrived at Buckingham Palace without incident. Lucky for you.)

3 If you go, do not tell the story of King Edward’s reluctance to accept the stone. If you do, at best, you will be locked in a dungeon. At worst, the government will want to know what you know. (Edward wondered if it would be a good idea to accept the stone, Madison. None other than Winston Churchill then the Colonial Undersecretary advised him to take it. As a token, the King gave Winston a replica he displayed proudly on a silver platter.)

2 If you go, do not regale the crowd with tales of how the stone was cut. If you do, at best, no one will believe you. At worst, Abraham Asscher will overhear what you have to say. (It is Abraham was selected by the King to cut the huge stone into several smaller brilliant polished diamonds. ( The task was daunting, Madu. When Abraham went to make the first cut, which would divide the stone in two, his tool broke. The second try was successful, but after the cut, Abraham fainted. He was revived and went on to successfully cut the diamond into smaller pieces over time.)

1 If you go, do not talk about the further cutting of the stone. If you do, at best, folks will think you are bragging. At worst, the mine doctor will take you into a quiet room with padded walls. (The large stone was cut into nine major stones and 96 brilliants, Magni. The two major stones are part of the crown jewels and are kept in the Tower of London. The remainder of six is in possession of Elizabeth II. The major stone is called the Great Star of Africa and is set at the top of the Sovereign’s Sceptre with Cross. The second major stone is called the Second Star of Africa and is set in the Imperial crown. )

Here is a photo of the finished stones.

The nine major stones. Top: Cullinans II, I, and III. Bottom: Cullinans VIII, VI, IV, V, VII, and IX. Wikipedia Image

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Gusher Oil Well Hit in Beaumont Texas in 1901

January 11, 2021January 24, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 78 Comments

This week marks the 120th anniversary of a big oil strike at Spindletop Hill near Beaumont, Texas. Since this is the dawn of the oil industry, which grew to be the first Trillion dollar industry, we need to see this. We better take a list of the things not to do so we don’t cause a tear in the time continuum.

Let’s climb into the Oldsmobile and be off.

10 If you go, do not step on the black grass. If you do, at best, you’ll only use one foot. At worse, you’ll go several feet. (The problem is, MacGregor the oil well spewed oil for hundreds of feet coating the landscape. You now are covered from the knees down, and some roughneck wants you to pay up for the oil you are taking.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, a question as he tries to cap the well. If you do, at best, he’ll be too busy to pay attention to you. At worse, he will stop what he is doing and put a melon hold on your head. (You see, MacKenzie, Tiny has been trying to cap the well for nine days, and so far, the well has showered the area with 900,000 gallons of crude. Tiny has missed several of his coping group meetings, so he is a little tense. Don’t worry, those dimples made by his finger grip will go away in, say, five years.)

8 If you go, do not feel you have to lecture on how fossil fuels were made. If you do, at best, you might find someone to listen. At worst, no one will care since the boss is yelling about the crude oil spilled all over the ground. (The fact that crude was formed by plants and animals under pressure will fall of deaf ears, Maklin. If you could point them to an easy way to pick up the oil, I think you might have something. That big guy over there is telling you to start scooping oil. Nt the time to refuse.)

7 If you go, do not congratulate Patillo Higgens on finding the oil. If you do at best, he won’t be listening. At worse, he will hear you. (Patillo Higgens was the guy who thought there was oil under the salt dome near Beaumont. He leased the land at Spindletop to engineer Anthony Lucas. Lucas is the one who hit paydirt. Higgens had sold his stake in the land before the strike. So you see, MacNab. Higgens is a bitter pill. Speaking of that, I think you ought to start for the door. Higgens is drinking again.)

6 If you go, do not listen to anyone who wants you to buy an oil lease. If you do, at best you won’t have any money. At worse, the man will take an IOU. (Now you are in a pickle, MacPherson. You have given an IOU on a worthless lease. The bright spot is when the guy goes to collect, you will be long gone. All these hucksters and grifters are why Spindletop became known as Swindletop.)

5 If you go, do not try to explain to anyone how Beaumont will become a boomtown. If you do, at best, folks will think you are lying. At worst, you’ll tell Joseph S. Cullinan, who will go on to found the Texas Fuel Company. (Joe was very interested in what you had to say. His company became Texaco, and he very rich. Joe wants you to join him at his company, Masison. Too bad you have to go.)

4 If you go, do not talk about how much oil will be needed for gasoline-powered engines. If you do, at best, you’ll be laughed at. At worse, you’ll have to explain exactly what makes you believe the numbers will be that high. (So now everyone thinks you are weird, Madu. In 1900 there were 4,092 cars. By 2018, there were over 273 Million gasoline vehicles in the US alone. Who’s going to believe those numbers?)

3 If you go, don’t tell anyone about the number of oil wells that will be drilled in Spindletop next year. If you do, at best, your drink will be taken away. At worse, you will be labeled as a fortune teller and run out of town. (you have to admit, Magni, the idea of 285 active oil wells is not something people can grasp. Don’t look now, but the Tar and Feather group has just started a fire.)

2 If you go, do not trip over a president of a drilling or Land development company. If you do, at best, he won’t notice. At worst, he’ll take offense. (It’s going to be hard avoiding those guys since over 500 companies converged on Spindletop. Mahpee. You can be forgiven for being clumsy, except that guy looks like he’s drawing a pistol.)

1 If you go, do not let your Down with Big Oil t-shirt show. If you do, at best, no one will know what big oil is. At worst, you’ll have about 2,000 workers wanting your hide. (The Spindle top area produces over 17 million barrels of oil that first year. That was about $3.4 million or in today’s dollar value over $102M. You can see that any dispersions on oil would be taken seriously, Maichail. I think I would hit the return home button.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the Flamingo Hotel by “Bugsy Siegle in 1946.

December 28, 2020December 27, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

This week marks the 74th anniversary of the Flamingo Hotel opening in Las Vegas by Bugsy Siegle in 1946. Since Bugsy is a colorful character, we will want to go to this grand opening. We need to take our list of things not to do to avoid a tear in the time continuum. We have James’s Oldsmobile all gassed up and ready to go.

James Wainwright’s 1956 Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop. You should read this one on Amazon. Just click the car to go there. Hurry back.

10 If you go, do not pretend to be a gangster. If you do, at best, you won’t run into one. At worst, you’ll be playing the big shot only to run into George Raft. (A little secret, X. George is an excellent friend of Bugsy’s. Be careful he is reaching into his jacket. It might be for a cigarette case or a .45. Let’s hope for the coffin sticks. Oooh, bad choice of words.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny for a complimentary room. If you do, at best, Tiny never heard of that before. At worse, Tiny has skipped his last ten group sessions on customer service. (Don’t look now, X, but Tiny is going to treat you to an all-expense-paid trip to the curb. I hope your landing is softer than the last guy who asked for a complimentary room.)

8 If you go, do not call Bugsy by that name. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, he’ll remind you that his name is Benjamin. (You see, X, Bugsy got the nickname for his volatile nature in his old days in Murder Inc with Meyer Lansky. He wants people to believe he is a businessman. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Bugsy wants to see you in his office. No, I wouldn’t go either.)

7 If you go, do not get chummy with Virginia Hill. If you do, at best, she won’t tell Bugsy. At worst, Bugsy will want to know all about it. (Virginia is Bugsy’s girlfriend, who he nicknamed Flamingo for her red hair and long legs. Does that name ring a bell, X? I would not accept a ride to the airport in Bugsys car if I were you.)

6 If you go, do not take the chair with Charles Luciano’s name card on it. If you do, at best, Charles couldn’t make it. At worst, Charles did make it and is looking at you. (For your information, X Charles’s nickname is Lucky. I think you have heard of Lucky Luciano, who heads the Eastern Mob Syndicate. He’s now wondering how you would like to tread water in Lake Mead wearing cement overshoes)

5 If you go, do not mention that you don’t recognize the headliner for tonight’s show. If you do, at best, people will think you are from the backwoods. At worst, Bugsy will start to get suspicious about where you came from. (Jimmy Durante and Xavier Cugat were among the biggest names in entertainment, X. Bugsy is now thinking you were complaining about the entertainment. Looks like his pals are inviting you out for a car ride. I would take a pass.)

4 If you go, do not complain to Billy Wilkerson, the current owner of record of the Flamingo, about Bugsy’s curt demeanor. If you do, at best, Bugsy doesn’t hear you. At worst, you are complaining while he is standing behind you. (Bugsy is the flamingo’s actual owner, X. It took a little money and some direct talk to persuade Billy to turn over control to Bugsy. There are those two guys again offering you a lift to the airport. I would take Uber. Wait, what am I saying?)

3 If you go, do not ask Bugsy how the grand opening is going. If you do, at best, he will be too busy to answer. At worst, you’ll cause him to look at the books. (In the first week of operation, the casino lost $300,000, X. That would be like $4,235,835.16 today. So no wonder Bugsy has that wild look in his eye. I think he blames you for asking the question.)

2 If you go, do not ask Bugsy what a “square count” is. If you do, at best, he will think you are joking. At worst, Bugsy will think you are working for Lucky Luciano. ( A square count, X is an honest report of actual costs and earnings. You now have Bugsy concerned in that he pretty much overinflated the cost of building the casino. It was supposed to cost $1,600,000 and ended up at over $6,000,000. You can bet Bugsy will want to keep you quiet. You have to wonder why that guy is hauling in that bag of cement.)

1 If you go, do not think you can stay at the Flamingo. If you do, at best there will be a room at another hotel. At worst, there are no rooms available in all of Las Vegas. (When the Casino opened, X, all the rooms were not finished. This was one reason the casino lost so much money. Gamblers who didn’t have a room took their winnings to a hotel on the strip and continued to gamble and mostly losing at another place. Bugsy closed the casino and then reopened in May of 1946, which made the difference.)