Originally posted on December 22, 2015, I think some things in here are good to pay attention to today. I hope you enjoy them.

* * *

This list was inspired by being habitually late for most of life’s events. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Wait Until the Last Minute to Do

10 Do not wait until the last minute to get a reservation at the best restaurant. If you do, at best you might want to eat at home. At worst, you could find yourself waiting in the bar until there is no longer a point in eating. (Now you have the problem of getting home)

9 Do not wait until the last minute to see if that formal outfit still fits. If you do, at best, you might be going to the event a little less formal than you planned. At worst, you could find the split rear seam about two minutes after everyone else in the room. (At least, it’s not toilet tissue caught in your underwear.)

8 Do not wait until the last minute to pull the ripcord during that parachute jump. If you do, at best, you may subject yourself to some heart-stopping moments. At worst, you will learn a hard lesson of physics where the acceleration of a falling mass reaches the speed of fifty feet per second per second. (gotta hope you have enough seconds before the ground welcomes you to become one with it.)

7. Do not wait until the last minute to put together a Top Ten list. If you do, at best, you will get to bed way too late. At worst, you will come up with something like that parachute item. ( Have to promise better)

6 Do not wait until the last minute to put the holiday turkey in the oven. If you do, at best dinner will be delayed. At worst, your holiday dinner guests will have unscheduled stops at the ER on their way home. (Next time, you’ll believe that thermometer)

5. Do not wait until the last minute to pay your holiday bills. If you do, at best, you will get the money in before the extra charges. At worst, you realize there are more bills than money, and the finance charges are like an additional car payment. (Maybe you’ll have these paid up by next December)

4. Do not wait until the last minute to give your Christmas list to Santa. If you do, at best, a few of the items on your list will not be available. At worst, Santa may just have to pass by your house since his elves could not make that yellow convertible fast enough. (You could have made it simpler given the lateness of the request)

3. Do not wait until the last minute to make airline reservations to that resort for the holidays. If you do, at best, your room will cost five times that of your neighbor. At worst, your selection will be limited to the Howard Johnson’s on exit 361 of the Long Island Expressway. (There is also an ice storm forecasted.)

2 Do not wait until the last minute to pack for that holiday trip. If you do, at best you will only have to wear everything twice. At worst, you will raise all kinds of questions when you ask the front desk where to buy underwear. ( Just forget the look and get a pair)

1. Do not wait until the last minute to fuel your car for the trip to the airport. If you do, at best, the power failure did not include the gas station at the next exit. At worst, the only gas station open at this hour has a cash-only policy, and the local ATM has just been hauled away by vandals. (Notice how soon the low fuel warning light comes on)

 

This post was originally run on December 14th, 2014. I think the advice is still good and I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

The inspiration for this list was a discussion between The Producer and me about how kids can light the parental upset fuse by a simple question. We both have asked some and have been asked some.

Top Ten Things You Never Should Have Asked Your Mother

10 You should never have asked your mother, “What meatloaf again?” If you did, at best, you got a cold stare and shoulder. At worst, you were invited to partake of food at the neighbor’s house. (The look told you she meant it but also, you better not.)

9 You should never have asked your mother on her birthday, “How old are you now?” If you did, at best, you got a lecture on poor manners. At worst, you were witness to flying cake and a bedroom door slam that you still see in your nightmares. (The heat from the flaming candles should have been a clue to clam up)

8 You should never have asked your mother once your dad told you no. “Dad says to come and ask you for the car keys.” If you did, at best, you’ll get a response that confirms your dad’s opinion. At worst, you will have been solely responsible for the resultant three months of additional chores once the parental units caught up to your scheme. ( Good luck on ever seeing those keys)

7 You should never have asked your mother, “Don’t you think that dress is a little out of style.” If you did, at best, your mother will go change but not talk to you for the rest of the day. At worst, you will be subjected to a long lecture about all the things your mother gave up so that you could have the most up-to-date clothing. (She is probably right, you ungrateful dependent you)

6 You should never have asked your mother, “Can you and dad leave while my friends come over?” If you did, at best, you will get a firm “No” in response. At worst, you will be delighted to have your parents sitting in the same room where you and your friends are gathering. (Your worst nightmare has come true)

5 You should never have called your mother on April Fools Day asking, “Come bail me out of jail?” If you did, at best, a cold cloth applied by dad worked to revive her. At worst, the joke will have backfired to the point where your mom still thinks there was something behind it. (Not lovely to play high stakes jokes on your worried mom)

4 You should never have asked your mother to bake cupcakes for the soccer team the night before the event. If you did, at best, the cupcakes were made, but you owed your mom big time. At worst, the cakes were made, but you were so tired from helping you had the worst game ever. (Notice the cakes got made in each case?)

3 You should never have asked your mother to give you lunch money instead of packing a lunch since all the cool kids buy their lunch. If you did, at best, you got the money but also a discussion about proper nutrition and peer pressure. At worst, you didn’t get the money and now find your lunch consists of every food you can’t stand, including many fruits. (Mom’s way of telling you to quit trying to be part of the in-crowd.)

2 You should have never asked your mother to tell a fib about where you were when your stood-up date called to talk to you. If you did, at best, your mother simply hands the phone to you. At worst, your mother tells your date that you are not interested in talking. (The truth will ice that relationship. Won’t it?)

1 You should have never asked your mother to babysit your kids. If you did, at best, all had an excellent time. At worst, your mother doesn’t want to return them to you. ( A considerable risk for sure.)

This list was originally posted on November 17th, 2014. We are expecting a cold front next week, so I thought I would remind myself of those things I shouldn’t do. Maybe if it turns cold where you are, you could use a reminder as well.

* * *

This list is inspired by the temperature here on the south Texas Coast. As I write this, the temperature is thirty-seven degrees. Way too cold for an old fart and his dogs.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold

10 If the weather turns cold, do not think turning on the heat is for wimps. If you do, at best, you may find yourself refusing to get out of bed. At worst, you could see your pipes freeze and split like a bratwurst on a hot fire. (A slit bratwurst is no big deal, the pipes are a little more problematic.)

9 If the weather turns cold, do not avoid getting out the heavy clothes. If you do, at best, you will find yourself shivering when you go outside. At worst, you could be found stiff as a board sitting on a bench waiting for the rescue dog with the brandy. (Be sure to pen a goodbye note)

8 If the weather turns cold, do not think that the black spot in the road is water. If you do, at best, you will only skid a little as you hit it. At worst, you will get a free-spinning ride like the one you paid good money for back in July when you visited Disney World. (This time, though, the stop might be a little more sudden and a little more hurtful.)

7 If the weather turns cold, do not think that the white stuff falling from the sky will go away on its own. If you do, At best, you could have a hard time moving when you go outside. At worst, the buildup will be such that you can no longer open the doors and will have to resort to eating leftovers out of the freezer, which has been in there for an eon or two. (And nothing’s marked as to content or date)

6 If the weather turns cold, do not think the outdoor plans you made in July should be modified. If you do, at best, you might not have much fun playing badminton in twenty-five mile an hour wind and chill of minus twenty. At worst, you will lose several family members to frostbite before you realize the shirts and skins basketball game was not such a good idea. (You thought uncle Harry who is on the skins team, was being a blue Smurf for the day)

5 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can enjoy a coffee at your usual outdoor café. If you do, at best, you will find yourself hugging the cup instead of drinking it. At worst, you will be the only one outside and will remain there until the street clearing crew uncovers your carcass in the spring. (You would have thought the server would have checked on you.)

4 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to commute to work on your bicycle. If you do, at best, you will arrive at work unable to release your hands from the grips. At worst, you will not be able to thaw out until after the critical meeting with new clients. (They did comment to your boss to the effect that you seem stiff and cold.)

3 If the weather turns cold, do not take your dog for a walk without some kind of wrap on the dog. If you do, at best, the dog won’t want to go and will surprise you later at home. At worst, your dog will not want to go and will decide you are the one who needs to be led by the leash. (He may even think you need to be carried back home and a trainer.)

2 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to grill outside like in August. If you do, At best, you will be serving cold meals although not intended. At worst, you will be way too close to the grill to keep warm and chance spontaneous combustion, which, if it happens, will possibly ruin the meat as well. (No one likes bone meal ash on their burger.)

1 If the weather turns cold, do not think this is an excellent time to finally put away the garden hoses that have been lying around the yard. If you do, at best, you will have the equivalent of an octopus to manage, given how stiff the hose has become. At worst, you will find that the hose is connected to the faucet, and every effort to remove it leads to an expensive visit by a plumber and housing contractor. (Not to mention the new skating rink that you used to call your backyard.)

 

This post was originally run on November 3rd, 2014. Since there are still parents, children, and still inclement days, I think it will work. Also, if you have a minute I’m over at Story Empire talking about indications that your writing may not be working. Here’s the link but come back.

* * *

This list was created to pay homage to parents trying to be an author and have the duty to take care of the little ones. I’ve been there and got the shirt.

Ten Things Not to Do While Watching the Kids on an Inclement Day

10 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to write on your novel. If you do, at best, you will produce a small number of very disappointing words. At worst, you will face a task as tricky as trying to teach a pig to sing. You and the pig will end up being very frustrated.

9 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to watch anything on TV that isn’t kid programming. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to see a thing. At worst, you will answer the door to see CPS agents with a warrant ready to take the kids because of the complaints your neighbors filed due to the non-stop screaming.

8 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not play games on your phone or notebook. If you do, at best, the kids will want to play as well. At worst, your attention will be diverted enough for the kids to get into every drawer, including that secret place where you hide adult toys. (And they will come to you and ask what these are for just when the next-door neighbor stops by for a visit)

7 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to talk on the phone. If you do, at best, you must be prepared to hold the kids the whole time. At worst, whoever you are talking to will wonder who is in charge in your home, why you are so mean to your lovable children, and what was that crash?

6 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to make anything in the kitchen that doesn’t have the word ‘lunch’ connected to it. If you do, at best, you will have little helpers who will make the project twice as long. At worst, you will invest your time and energy into something that, when served, contains a stray toy that you swore was safely on the other counter. The person getting the toy contaminated serving will be one of your in-laws

5 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to play their favorite game. If you do, at best, they will refuse to play since they sense your desperation. At worst, they will pretend their favorite game is avoiding playing their favorite game, thereby challenging you to stay away from the soothin’ syrup in the liquor cabinet.

4 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not call the neighbor for help. If you do, at best, your neighbor is in as desperate a condition, and two more problems won’t help. At worst, you will have an IOU, which you can never repay other than watching the neighbor’s kids at a time that is most critical for you to be able to work in peace.

3 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not think you can go to the store to kill time. If you do, at best, it will take all your strength to keep an even temperament and to return all the items grabbed off the shelves. At worst, you and the kids will be asked to leave the story by the same manager who before today was more than happy to take thousands of dollars when you shopped alone.

2 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not be tempted to lock yourself in the bedroom. If you do at best, the kids will not miss you. At worst, the kids will use the time to act out their ultimate stories, including the fire-breathing dragon and jousting tournament using things around the house for props. (You know, like the Crème Brule torch and a broom).

1 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not take them to the library. If you do, at best, the library’s peace will be shattered since being quiet is an invitation to do otherwise. At worst, you will find the normally placid library patrons and personnel looking like a zombie herd as they slowly circle you and your family. Unfortunately, the outcome doesn’t look like it’s going to be good.

I originally published this list on October 6th, 2014. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

Top Ten Things Not to do When Trying to Decide What to Watch on TV

This list was inspired by a recent visit to a friend’s house and observing how the friend decided which shows to watch.

10 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not take a suggestion from anyone ages fourteen to eighteen. If you do, at best, you will be lost in the translation. At worst, you will see and hear things that will keep you up at night.

9 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not use the newspaper reviews as a guide to good programming. If you do, at best, you will be asleep earlier than usual. At worst, you might find yourself wondering if you should discontinue your cable service.

8 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, don’t ask someone else what they want to watch. If you do, at best, you will get an icy stare when you ignore the suggestion. At worst, you may end up watching this and other shows in the privacy of the garage.

7 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not scroll through the guide hoping something good will jump out at you. If you do, at best, you will have to review one-hundred and sixty channels that are basically the same. At worst, those in the room may call an audible, and you will lose your remote privileges for heaven knows how long.

6 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not call a friend for a suggestion. If you do, at best, the friend will want a report on the show. At worst, you will hate it and either lie to the friend or hurt their feelings.

5 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch and your in-laws are there, simply hand over the remote. If you don’t, at best, they’ll miss their favorite show and hate you forever. At worst, they might like your selection and decide to return on the nights that it is on since they can’t remember which channel to tune.

4 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch and your significant other wants to do something else, turn the set-off. If you don’t, at best, you will be watching the show alone. At worst, you might be watching the show, and it will be your only company for the long cold winter.

3 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not rely on the network hype about the “best new show of the season.” If you do, you do, at best, you might waste a half hour. At worst, you might waste a whole night depending on how many network hypes you followed.

2 If you are trying to decide which show to watch on TV, do not think the DVR will help. If you do, at best, you may end up with a bunch of shows and no disk space. At worst, you may have recorded all the clinkers of the season and, while reviewing them, miss the best.

1 If you are trying to decide which show to watch on TV, do not use any gambling prop like dice to help with the decision. If you do, at best, the odds of getting something you want to watch are the same as getting a lousy program. At worst, your prop will be no more favorable to you in selecting an excellent show to watch than it has been in delivering your sure thing, lotto win.

 

This post originally ran on June 22, 2016. honey-do lists never go out of style.

The inspiration for this list has been several years of being the recipient of lists of things that needed fixing. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Get a Honey Do List

10 If you receive a honey do list, do not laugh at the items. If you do, at best, you’ll get one of those looks that turn brave thoughts to flee instincts. At worst, you’ll have to try to defend the undefendable fact that you haven’t kept up with normal maintenance. (The couch is pretty lumpy, wouldn’t you say?)

9 If you receive a honey do list, do not take shortcuts to complete the list. If you do, At best, the inspection will produce some embarrassing deficiencies. At worst, you find yourself in the do-over mode, and it will take longer than the original model would have taken. (Was that game you rushed to see worth it, Buster?)

8 If you receive a honey do list, do not try to substitute available materials for those that require a store trip. If you do, at best, the fix will last a month or two. At worst, you’ll find after the job definite evidence that you blew it. (How do you feel about a bedroom full of water? Bunky)

7 If you receive a honey do list, do not try to do it if you don’t know how. If you do, at best, you will need to call a pro to complete the work. At worst, you will need to call a pro to fix what you messed up and then finish the work. (Feel good about paying twice what the project would have cost in the first place?)

6 If you receive a honey do list, do not call your friends to help. If you do, at best, they will all but prevent the job from being completed. At worst, none of them will have the skills needed but will attempt to help with questionable results. (You did incur beer and food costs in addition to the repair of the repair costs, huh, Bud?)

5 If you receive a honey do list, do not ignore the instructions as to the desired outcome. If you do, at best, the job will never be satisfactory. At worst, your usual roundabout way of doing things will add time and cost to the project. (Maybe it wasn’t necessary to dig that hole and build a foundation for the flower box after all, right?)

4 If you receive a honey do list, do not fail to finish each item. If you do, at best, you will appear to be someone who needs planning help. At worst, you will be faced with someone who has been hired to complete what you start. (Man, those labor costs are killers, aren’t they?)

3 If you receive a honey do list, do not make excuses for not doing the items. If you do, at best, your excuses will fall on deaf ears. At worse, the excuses will be used as justification for engaging Expensive & How contracting. (What’s in a name? Whoa!)

2 If you receive a honey do list, do not put off getting to work on it immediately. If you do, at best, the list will only get longer. At worst, there will be a growing feeling that you will never get the list done, culminating in an introduction to Beaucoup Bucks & Sons. (Man, those sons sure have dirty shoes, don’t they?)

1 If you receive a honey do list, do not fail to report the results of projects completed. If you do, at best, there will be no record of accomplishment. At worst, you will not have confirmation that the job is complete, and it may just show up again. (You have to demonstrate you can get things done, Buford.)

This post originally ran on June 15th 2015. It still appears to hold some water today.

 

Since June is wedding month, I can’t let it pass without making some comments on what we should all avoid if we are in a wedding, invited to a wedding, or married. I hope you enjoy it.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding (no matter who you are)

10 If you are a wedding guest, do not be tempted to pick up and shake a few of the wedding presents to see if there are sets of china or appliances inside. If you do, at best those observing you will know you bought a cheap gift or none at all. At worst, you will be asked to step away from the gifts by a large man with the word SECURITY above his left pocket. He also happens to be the brother of one of the celebrants, and you are now busted since he assumes you are looking to pick out one to go.

9 If you are a parent of the celebrants, do not tell anyone how you feel about not being good enough for your child. If you do, at best, you will be confiding with someone who knows the other and has not met yours and can’t wait to report your indiscretion. At worst, you might be told to mind your own business and quite possibly followed by a knuckle sandwich (hold the mayo).

8 If you are a second in a wedding, do not think your job is to complain about every detail of the process and how much the whole thing cost you in air travel and clothes. If you do, at best, people will assume the only reason you are at the wedding party is that you are family. (Whether you are or not) At worst, you will add a degree of declassé to the event and will not be forgotten when it comes time to remember the most idiotic attendees.

7 If you are the best person, do not think your toast needs to have several cringe moments, including a detailed description of the past fiancées. If you do, at best, the wedding guests will think your humor is a little bizarre. At worst, it will be assumed you are drunk and out of control that should prompt an intervention placing you in the back of the Quiet Acres van on your way to rehab.

6 If you are the person of honor, do not think your toast has to include rapid hand fanning and a bunch of tears. If you do, at best, the room will pray you faint quickly. At worst, you started without a tissue, and now the streaked mascara and runny nose have cleared out the tables within a ten-foot radius.

5 If you are officiating the wedding ceremony, do not think you can rely on the notes when it comes time to say the names of the celebrants. If you do, at best, you will stumble on the names as you have lost your place in the written word and demonstrate how shallow you are. At worst, you will be using last week’s notes and continue to call the celebrants by names that you have an indication are not correct, but hope are close to the real thing. (hint they’re not)

4 If you are the caterer of a wedding, do not think you can cut corners the day of the event to increase the bottom line. If you do, at best, you will be able to substitute for the few things that you are short. At worst, you will have the luck to cater the wedding of a family of lawyers and will be fighting the lawsuit of breach of contract for the next ten years wishing all the time you had settled out of court.

3 If you are a musician at a wedding, do not think your usual twenty-minute set break each hour will be tolerated by the marriage guests. If you do, at best, you will have several of them with you requesting songs no matter where you go. At worst, as the evening gets older, you will believe your life is in danger once the music stops. You will be reminded of a pack of wolves surrounding and closing in on the camper as the fire dies. ( Better keep playing).

2 If you are the venue manager of a wedding, do not think there will be any problem asking everyone to leave at the appointed hour. If you do, at best, your encounter with overserved wedding guests will be loud and unpleasant. At worst, you will be barricaded in your office praying the SWAT team arrives before the angry mob does what was subtly suggested when someone yelled, “Get some tar and feathers.”

1 If you are a server at a wedding, do not think you will get rich on the tips. If you do, at best, you will realize that people attending a free event think everything’s free. At worst, the tips you counted on receiving you already spent, and you will now need to work another job to offset the lost revenue. (Of course, you could turn into a pickpocket. Naw, that’s not right.)