The inspiration for this list was this season’s playoffs in the NFL. There were enough punches thrown during the various games and enough trash talk to fill a stadium. Although I was not a party to any of the conversations my imagination went to the point of asking the question,”What could one player say to another that would warrant an attempted punch to the nose. (I say attempted since most players are guarded by a facemask and it would be tough to make a fist to nose contact.) Also, I know none of us play football but what if we did? I hope you enjoy since we are now in the last moments of this season.

The Top Ten Things Not to Say to an Opponent on the Football Field

10 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that you heard they were losing the Nike endorsement. If you do, at best the player will think you are joking. At worst, the player will assume you have the endorsement and will try the fist to nose maneuver. (You know those endorsements don’t come easy.)

9 If you are on the football field, do not ask another player about last night. If you do, at best you’ll get a stare. At worst the player will assume you know something and will court a penalty to take you out. (Last night is something players never mention. Right?)

8 If you are on the football field, do not tell a player he looks cute on the jumbotron. If you do, at best the player will avoid you the rest of the game. At worst, the player will finally get that you wanted to tempt him to look continually at the jumbotron, and will take you out with a chop block. (It was a good try and pretty funny when he went downfield for a pass and couldn’t take his eyes off himself.)

7 If you are on the football field, do not make fun of another player’s Ferrari color. If you do, at best he will tease you about not having one. At worst, the player will start to become self-conscious about his choice of purple and take it out on you. (The dealer did call it Red Cassis though)

6 If you are on the football field, do not mention the nasty tweet that the player made which required a huge apology. If you do, at best the player will give you a knuckle sandwich warning. At worst, just when you thought you were going to catch that game winning touchdown, you wake up in the hospital instead. (Never saw it coming did ya bunkie. Oh and, by the way, your team lost.)

5 If you are on the football field, do not ask a player it that is his mother in the stands. If you do, at best he won’t have time to think about it and just smile. At worst, he will realize you are talking about his latest date and will make a tackle that you’ll remember well into the next season. (You should always be respectful. Right?)

4 If you are on the football field, do not tackle a player and then say, “That was easy.” If you do, at best the player will throw you off. At worst, you and the player will look like children on the playground punching each other on the ground in front of thirty million viewers. (Why won’t the press leave this one alone you wonder?)

3 If you are on the football field, do not put your face mask into another players face mask and tell him he’s ugly. If you do, at best you know a fist to nose attempt is on its way. At worst, you will wonder what happened right after your helmet went airborne and the lights went out. (No way to talk to a 350-pound tackle)

2 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that you heard his Super Bowl ring is in a pawn shop. If you do, at best you will be on the ground on the next play. At worst, you will be the center of attention on a time out and cart ride back to the locker room. (Learned a lesson about finance didn’t you)

1 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that your agent is the same as his. If you do, at best the game will be a series of who can outdo who. At worst, since you both behaved so poorly, your agent has now cut you both loose. (A bit of discretion could have avoided all this angst.)