This list is inspired by the temperature here on the south Texas Coast. As I write this the temperature is thirty-seven degrees. Way too cold for an old fart and his dog.

Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold

10 If the weather turns cold, do not think turning on the heat is for wimps. If you do, at best you may find yourself refusing to get out of bed. At worst, you could see your pipes freeze and split like a bratwurst on a hot fire. A slit bratwurst is no big deal, the pipes a little more problematic.

9 If the weather turns cold, do not avoid getting out the heavy clothes. If you do, at best you will find yourself shivering when you go outside. At worst, you could be found stiff as a board sitting on a bench waiting for the rescue dog with the brandy. (Be sure to pen a goodbye note)

8 If the weather turns cold, do not think that black spot in the road is water. If you do, at best you will only skid a little as you hit it. At worst, you will get a free spinning ride like the one you paid good money for back in July when you visited Disney World. This time though the stop may be a little more sudden.

7 If the weather turns cold, do not think that white stuff falling from the sky will go away on its own. If you do, At best you could have a hard time moving when you go outside. At worst, the buildup will be such that you are no longer able to open the doors and will have to resort to eating leftovers out of the freezer which have been in there for an eon or two. (And nothing’s marked as to content or date)

6 If the weather turns cold, do not think the outdoor plans you made in July do not need to be modified. If you do, at best you might not have much fun playing badminton in twenty-five mile an hour winds and wind-chill of minus twenty. At worst, you will lose several family members to frostbite before you realize the shirts and skins basketball game was not such a good idea.

5 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can enjoy a coffee at your usual outdoor café. If you do, at best you will find yourself hugging the cup instead of drinking it. At worst, you will be the only one outside and will remain there until the street clearing crew uncovers your carcass in the spring.

4 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to commute to work on your bicycle. If you do, at best you will arrive at work unable to release your hands from the grips. At worst, you will not be able to thaw out until after the important meeting with new clients and their comment to your boss is to the effect that you seem stiff and cold.

3 If the weather turns cold, do not take your dog for a walk without some kind of wrap on the dog. If you do at best the dog won’t want to go and will surprise you later at home. At worst, your dog will not want to go and will decide you are the one who needs to be led by the leash or worse needs to be carried back home.

2 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to grill outside like it was August. If you do, At best you will be serving cold meals although not intended. At worst, you will be way too close to the grill to keep warm and chance spontaneous combustion which if happens will possibly ruin the meat as well.

1 If the weather turns cold, do not think this is a good time to finally put away the garden hoses that have been lying around the yard. If you do, at best you will have the equivalent of an octopus to manage given how stiff the hose has become. At worst, you will find that the hose is connected to the faucet and every effort to remove it leads to an expensive visit by a plumber and housing contractor not to mention the new skating rink that you used to call your backyard.

This list was inspired by a light that came on.

Ten Things Not to Do If Your Engine Light Comes On.

10 If your engine light comes on do not panic. If you do, at best you may make things worse by being rattled. At worst, you may pull off the road in a panicked state and keep rolling past the shoulder and into a culvert below.

9 If your engine light comes on, do not consult your owner’s manual until you come to a stop. If you do, at best you won’t find the section inconspicuously marked “Warning Indicator – Engine” and you’ll have to stop anyway. At worst, you will be concentrating on trying to use the index to find the subject matter and inadvertently run into the stopped care in front of you. In any case the index will be of no help.

8 If your engine light comes on, do not try to ignore it. If you do, at best you will be continually reminded that something is wrong. At worst, your engine light bulb will burn out and you will think the trouble has magically cleared up until you hear the rending screech of metal marking the final moments of the life of your engine.

7 If your engine light comes on, do not think this is a normal function of the car’s systems. If you do, at best you will only have a minor additional repair. At worst, you may be saying goodbye to your trusty car as you watch it disappear into the local u-pull-it parts depot.

6 If your engine light comes on, do not attempt to diagnose the problem yourself. If you do, at best you may end up at the mechanic since you couldn’t find the problem. At worst, you may have misdiagnosed the problem and be happily motoring along in a remote area as you see the light again followed by billowing clouds of smoke after passing the last gas station for one hundred miles sign, fifty miles ago.

5 If your engine light comes on, do not think it is a nice accompaniment to the soft romantic music on the radio. If you do, at best you may not be able to start your car someday. At worst, you could be seeing the beginning of the end of the soft music and your car.

4 If your engine light comes on, do not pretend it doesn’t bother you. If you do, at best you will have unsettled moments until you come to grips with the fact there is trouble. At worst, the light will trigger long suppressed anxieties which could cause a major episode requiring hours of psychological help which would make the repair bill on the car look cheap.

3 If your engine light comes on, do not think your car is irreparably damaged.  If you do, at best you will lose confidence in its reliability. At worst, you will take unreasonable steps to get rid of the car which could lead to significant loss of funds and peace of mind especially if you shove it off a cliff and are cited by the state police for littering.

2 If your engine light comes on, do not suggest to your spouse that you trade cars for a change. If you do, at best your spouse will have to deal with the problem. At worst, the problem is so acute your spouse breaks down on the freeway and a gang of carjackers come along, strip and burn your car. In addition, your spouse thinks the lawless lifestyle looks pretty romantic and joins their gang and now sports an “I Strip for a Living” tattoo on the back. (With big wings)

1 If your engine light comes on, do not drive the car to anyplace but the mechanic. If you, at best you may have a small repair bill which could get bigger. At worst, the problem will continue to get bigger until you are no longer in control of your car. You will become its bitch with all the negative attention related to the title.

This list was created to pay homage to all of you parents who in addition to trying to be an author have the duty to take care of the little ones in your care. I’ve been there and got the shirt.

Ten Things Not to Do While Watching the Kids on an Inclement Day

10 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to write on your novel. If you do, at best you will produce a small number of very disappointing words. At worst, you will face a task as difficult as trying to teach a pig to sing. You and the pig will end up being very frustrated.

9 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to watch anything on TV that isn’t kid programming. If you do, at best you won’t be able to see a thing. At worst, you will answer the door to see CPS agents with a warrant ready to take the kids because of the complaints your neighbors filed due to the non-stop screaming.

8 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not play games on your phone or notebook. If you do, at best the kids will want to play as well. At worst, your attention will be diverted for enough time for the kids to get into every drawer including that secret place where you hide adult toys. (And they will come to you and ask what these are for just when the church group leader stops by for a visit)

7 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to talk on the phone. If you do, at best you must be prepared to hold the kids the whole time. At worst, whoever you are talking to will wonder who is in charge in your home, why you are so mean to your lovable children and what was that crash?

6 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to make anything in the kitchen that doesn’t have the word lunch connected to it. If you do, at best you will have little helpers which will make the project twice as long. At worst, you will invest your time and energy into something that when served contains a stray toy that you swore was safely on the other counter. The person getting the toy contaminated serving will be one of your in laws

5 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to play their favorite game. If you do, at best they will refuse to play since they sense your desperation. At worst, they will pretend their favorite game is avoiding playing their favorite game thereby challenging you to stay away from the soothin’ syrup in the liquor cabinet.

4 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not call the neighbor for help. If you do, at best your neighbor is in as desperate a condition and two problems won’t help. At worst, you will have an IOU which you can never repay other than watching the neighbor’s kids at a time that is most critical for you to be able to work in peace.

3 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not think you can go to the store to kill time. If you do, at best it will take all your strength to keep an even temperament and to return all the items grabbed off the shelves. At worst, you and the kids will be asked to leave the story by the same manager who before today was more than happy to take thousands of dollars when you shopped alone.

2 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not be tempted to lock yourself in the bedroom. If you do at best, the kids will not miss you. At worst, the kids will use the time to act out their ultimate stories including the fire-breathing dragon and jousting tournament using things around the house for props. (You know, like the Crème Brule torch and a broom).

1 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day do not take them to the library. If you do, at best the peace of the library will be shattered since being quiet is an invitation to do otherwise. At worst, you will find the normally placid library patrons and personnel looking like a zombie herd as they slowly circle you and your family. The outcome doesn’t look like it’s going to be good.