Thursday – A Little Personal – Lucy and Twiggy

March 16, 2023March 15, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 114 Comments

“Hey, Lucy. Why are these weird-looking runners here.”

“Against her better interior decorating sense, mom bought them for me.”

“For you? Why?”

“Well, Little One, I’m having trouble walking on the tile.”

“Trouble? What kind of trouble?”

“We old folks sometimes can’t control slipping.”

“Then what happens?”

“I basically fall down and can’t get up. I’m like a turtle on its back.”

“I thought you were just fooling around. So mom got you something where you wouldn’t slip.”

“Yup, and she laid them in all the hallways and paths I take.”

“Well, they sure look out of place.”

“Mom said it was okay. The important thing is safety.”

“Now you don’t fall down? Want to play tuggy?”

“Geez. Two questions. No, I don’t fall down and don’t want to play tuggy.”

“What do you want to do?”

“Let’s see. I’m on the couch. Half of me is comfortable. What do you think?”

“It is a long shot, but I’m guessing a nap.”

“You surprise me with your clairvoyance, youngster. You are spot on.”

“I think maybe I ought to do the same.”

“No argument from me.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Finger Point Prompt- “This Ain’t No Game, Lady.”

March 14, 2023March 13, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 84 Comments

Keith Channing will be taking some time off, so I will again feature a finger-point prompt. The way it works is I open a book to a random page and then, without looking, point to the page. The word or phrase closest to my pointing finger is it.

Today I opened the sequel to Eternal Road, The Last Drive, and my finger was closest to the phrase “This Ain’t No Game Lady” on page 151. So that is the prompt today. I hope you like the story.

“Excuse me, sir?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Can you tell me the way to San Jose?”

“Huh?”

“I got lost on the LA freeway.”

“How did you find me?”

“Good question. There was a bunch of traffic slamming on their brakes, and then the next thing I knew, I’m sitting in your gas station.”

“Why do you need to go to San Jose?”

“I have lots of friends there. Can you help me?”

“Well, the first thing you must understand is this is Ames, Iowa.”

“I really did take a detour then. How far to San Jose then?”

“Let me put San Jose, California, in my phone, and I’ll tell you.”

“Phone? What do you mean, phone?”

“This iPhone here will lay out a map and give the distance.”

“Let me see that.”

“Sure, look over my shoulder. See here. It says San Jose is 1,863 miles from here.”

“I’ve never seen a phone like that before.”

“Wait a minute. A young woman like you must have had five of em by now.”

“I’m serious.”

“That car of yours is brand new, isn’t it?”

“Yes. My daddy bought it for graduation. What does that have to do with anything?”

“That there is a Pontiac GTO convertible.”

“Yes, it is.”

“With a 6.4L 389 cubic inch V8 and M-20 4 speed manual transmission with the Hurst shifter.”

“Well, it is a standard transmission. I don’t know about the rest.”

“What year is it?”

“The car?”

“No, it’s a 1965. The year today?”

“1965. August 10th, 1965.”

“What if I told you it is August 10th, 2023.”

“What kind of game are you playing?”

This ain’t no game, lady. I think you are in serious trouble.”

“Trouble? What do you mean?”

“It doesn’t seem odd to you that you were in Los Angles, and all of a sudden, you show up in Ames 58 years later?”

“I guess to you, it might seem odd. But, to me, it is part of the job.”

“Job? What job?”

“You want to drive my car?”

“What’s going on here?”

“I don’t want to frighten you, but you need to come with me.”

“With you? Where?”

“I knew these disguises wouldn’t work. But no, the boss said it would be easier on the travelers. Look, my last name is Reaper. Some call me Grim, but I prefer Gerri.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Never joke. Do you want to drive or walk? Like you said, ‘This ain’t no game.’ Here take the keys. We’re late.”

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Neighbor

March 13, 2023March 12, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

This post ran on February 29, 2016, and still seems current since we all have neighbors. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

The inspiration for this list comes up all the time. I, of course, have had the presence of mind not to say any of these things. Not that I have not wanted to say them, but I just never wanted to practice a scorched Earth policy when it comes to people living next door.

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Neighbor

10 Do not say to your neighbor, “I see you have a fine crop of weeds.” If you do, at best, you will get ignored. At worst, you get an offer to come over and take care of them. (Who wants to weed the neighbor’s lawn? You Bunky?)

9 Do not say to your neighbor, “That music is a little loud.” If you do, at best, you might get someone to turn it down. At worst, around midnight, the music will be cranked up to the pain level. (And the drunk neighbor is in his underwear, making rude gestures toward your bedroom window.)

8 Do not say to your neighbor, “We have covenants against that dog barking.” If you do, at best, the neighbor will tell you what to do with the covenant. At worst, he will think it funny to release the slobbering and apparently irascible beast in your direction. (You never knew you could run that fast. Did you?)

7 Do not say to your neighbor, “You know Sundays are for quiet.” If you do, at best, your neighbor will spend extra time with that leaf blower making sure his lawn is just right. At worst, he will take the rest of the day to work on that oak tree using the dullest chainsaw known to man. (Is that your rear molars I hear cracking?)

6 Do not say to your neighbor, “You know we are under water restrictions.” If you do, at best, your neighbor will give you a smile and keep watering the street. At worst, your neighbor will take today as the opportunity to fill the pool, wash the car, test the sprinkling system, and take a bath. (I guess he will show you how to spend $300.00)

5 Do not say to your neighbor, “You are supposed to get your paint color approved before you paint.” If you do, at best, your neighbor will continue to paint and get approval later. At worst, your neighbor will stop brush painting the delicate gray and start rolling the Barnie Purple. (No good deed goes unpunished, does it?)

4 Do not say to your neighbor, “Is that fence approved?” If you do, at best, you will get an offer to pay attention to something that is your business. At worst, you will be the proud half-owner of an eight-foot-tall wire fence that has a fine barbed wire at the top on one side of your property. (Might come in handy to keep the neighbors at home, though.)

3 Do not say to your neighbor, “I don’t think I will be able to support your kid’s school’s popcorn sales event this year. If you do, at best, you will be guilted into participating anyway. At worst, you will keep having midnight phone calls. (And there is never anyone there. You swear you can hear the faint sound of popcorn popping in the background.)

2 Do not say to your neighbor, “Can you give us a hand on the clean-up project this weekend?” If you do at best, you will get a straight “no.” At worst, you will have to listen to all the reasons why helping out is not part of what the neighbor signed up for when moving in. (Hard to stay awake, isn’t it?)

1 Do not say to your neighbor, “How about picking up that poop.” If you do, at best, you will get a suggestion for self-romance. At worst, you will get into a big argument and eventually end up wearing the poop. (Didn’t quite turn out the way you thought, did it?)

Views of the Neighborhood – St. Patrick’s Day Decorations

March 12, 2023March 11, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

We went out to see if there were any St. Patrick’s Day decorations in the neighborhood. We found some so the tour is on. We are catered by Foxy’s Proper Pub in Austin. Our entertainment is (who else?) The Irish Rovers

Picture of an old time school bus

Let’s go.

Our first is this cute Lepricon.

A shamrock on the door.

A turtle wearin’ O’ the green.

Another door shamrock.

Here is a wall shamrock and wreath.

Our friend, the armadillo.

St Patrick’s Day and Cancer survivor’s flags.

Shamrock welcome.

Hanging decoration.

The best display ever for St Patrick’s Day.

I hope you liked the tour. Now let’s eat and enjoy the music. I hope you have a great week.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – mat/met/mitt/mot/mutt.”

March 11, 2023March 10, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 84 Comments

My cup runneth over mainly because an accidental hit of the brew button brought three instead of two 5 oz servings. Luckily the machine has a drain, or the tsunami of caffeine would be on the floor. So the absorbent mat that is in reserve will not be necessary. Sipping the life fluid reminds me of last week’s arrival of too many Warner Brothers look-alikes for comfort.

The grey rabbit said there was going to be a circus. An inquiry to the city assured me that no permit was necessary if it was held on my property, and no entrance fees were charged. We met in person so that the possibility of talking them into a restraining order could have happened. The mutt of a compliance officer refused to prevent what will no doubt become mayhem.

In deep thought, the thirty-story falling piano crash of the doorbell jerked me back to reality. It also set off a round of barking, cracking every mirror in the house. A toss of my old baseball mitt causes Lucy and Twiggy to think a sheep is loose in the place and brings the silence of chasing the lambs.

“Who is there,” is the inquiry through the Ring doorbell.”

“C’est Moi. Phiil Harris.”

“Baloo?”

“Bon mot. The very same.”

“What do you want?”

“Your friends Dan and Tom said you needed a ringmaster for the circus. Also, I have some mail for you.”

“Hold on.” The security shutdown procedure takes a few minutes, and the door is thrown open. Standing there is Phil Harris. “I thought you were dead.”

“This is fiction, right? Here take this and point me to my dressing room .”

Phil shoves an envelope into my hand and then pushes by me. I open the envelope, and it is a message from Linda Hill. It says, Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “mat/met/mitt/mot/mutt.” Choose one or use them all, any way you’d like, in your post. Have fun! Also, there is a note from Tom and Dan. Good luck is all it says.

To have fun, visit Linda’s blog and read how easy it is. Here is the link.

https://lindaghill.com/2023/03/10/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-11-2023/

“Not bad.”

“What?”

“You got all the words of the prompt in that intro.”

“Thanks.”

“One problem, though.”

“What’s that.”

“Your readers want a circus with all those characters. So you’re on the mat to deliver.”

“The objective will be met.”

“A fine mot ‘objective'”

“What are you, a linguist?”

“Mitt skämt.”

“Huh?”

“Swedish for ‘my joke.'”

“How about Swedish, for you are a mutt?”

“The same, ‘mutt.’ Du är en mutt.”

“Well, we’ve pretty much killed this one.”

“We all want a circus.”

“Fine. In the meantime, how about a pub visit.”

“Hello, Uber. Already place the order, and Helmut is on his way.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF – Fri-Yay Good News

March 10, 2023March 10, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 77 Comments

Today’s good news comes from the Good News Network. Here it is in its entirety.

80-Year-old Woman Celebrates Doing a 5K Every Day Since Pandemic–1,000 in a Row!

Andy Corbley Mar 8, 2023

Mae Dean Erb completes 1000th consecutive 5K (Credit: Cindy Impson)

A Cherokee woman determined not to let the pandemic get her down began running or walking a 5K every day for 100 days.

Through lockdowns, Alpha, Delta, Omicron, and beyond, Mae Dean Erb kept on running until she completed her 1,000th 5K last Friday, two months short of her 80th birthday.

“I don’t know how she managed to do a 5K walk or run every single day for the last 1,000 days, but she did,” Erb’s daughter, Julie Erb-Alvarez, told GNN. “Her milestone was celebrated by a gathering of friends and family – even some virtually. She is our hero.”

A member of the Cherokee Nation, Erb lives with her husband of 56 years, Jim Erb, in a rural town called Blackgum, near her hometown of Vain, Oklahoma.

She has by no means stopped doing these continuous 5Ks, and in fact, at the time of publishing, she would be on her 1,006th, noting that good habits are as hard to break as bad habits.

“I don’t hurt anywhere. I have knee issues every once in a while, with, I guess, age, but it’s a really wonderful thing (walk/run) to do,” she told the Cherokee Phoenix.

“It’s just something you should do for yourself and your family, and when you have a 4-year-old grandson, you want to stay young enough to pick him up and run with him and catch him if he’s going in the wrong direction.”

She often runs and walks with her friends, who note that going out for a walk doesn’t even feel like a walk anymore unless it’s 5K.

Julie notes that Mae has become an inspiration to the whole community, not least to herself, who wants to be just like her mom when she reaches her golden years.

The good news here is it is never too late to pursue a dream or self-improvement. Today’s JohnKu talks about achieving goals. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Your life is for you,

To live it as you see fit . . .

Nothing should stop you.

Also, I’m at Story Empire today talking about the Day of Awesomeness. Come on over. Here’s the link.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Twiggy and Lucy Observe Tree Trimming

March 9, 2023March 8, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 124 Comments

“What do you suppose is going on over there?”

“Sounds like a ruckus, Little One. I’ll go look.”

“What is it, Lucy?”

“Hey, this is a limb that fell. Twiggy, come see.”

“It’s a limb, for sure. Do you think we have beavers around here?”

“Beavers? You have to be kidding me. I don’t think so.”

“What else could take a limb off a tree?”

“I’m not sure how it got here, but I’m sure it’s not beavers. If I were to guess, I’d say dad is trimming the hedge.”

“Oh, come on. My beaver story is much better than that.”

“Well, I think your story is not based on facts.”

“Sounds a lot like fiction to me. Anyway, a lone branch in the yard is a mystery.”

“I will admit it doesn’t seem to be logical just laying there.”

“We need to get to the bottom of this.”

“I don’t know. I’m putting my money on dad the cutter.”

“Gives me an idea. Maybe this is good to chew.”

“It certainly is not for chewing. Ech, stop that.”

“I don’t think it tastes so bad. It’s not a bacon-flavored Benebone, but it’s okay. You should try it.”

“Not on your life. Those sticks taste terrible. Especially if they are green.”

“A couple more chews, and I’ll be ready for another branch.”

“Ew. I think I’m going to leave you to it then.”

“Find dad. See if he’s going to cut more.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue # 396 by Keith Channing

March 7, 2023March 6, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

In Keith’s words.

“Using this photo as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put your offering (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before Sunday evening UK time. If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here. Thank you for taking part.”

Link to Keith’s post

https://keithchanning.wordpress.com/2023/03/06/kreative-kue-396/

The photo

“Good morning. My name is Phonics Philla. Who am I talking to?”

“Uh, my name is John.”

“How may I help you, John?”

“I uh received a package that was damaged.”

“I most certainly can help you with that, John. Do you have an order number?”

“I do. It’s 6747726432963528597312H.”

“Could you repeat that, John? My computer is loading a little slowly today.”

“Ready?”

“Yes, I’m ready.”

“674.”

“Uh-huh. You can give me the rest.”

“7-7-264-329-635-285-973-12H”

“Ah, yes. I see you ordered a greenhouse. You say it was damaged?”

“Yes, the guy just shoved it off the back of the truck.”

“Can you describe the damage?”

“Broken frame and glass.”

“What frame and glass?”

“As far as I can tell, all of them.”

“Hmm. According to the record, you signed for the delivery.”

“Yes, that was before I opened the box.”

“Can you send me a photo of the damage?”

“Can’t you just send me a new one?”

“We have to be sure of the damage, sir.”

“You can’t take my word?”

“Oh, that’s rich, sir. I take your word and send you a new one and then let’s say the old one is still good. So now you have two greenhouses.”

“What on earth would I do with two greenhouses?”

“That’s not for me to say, sir. Can you send a photo?”

“How do you want it?”

“Attach it to an email. Once I get it, I can process your replacement. Oh, wait. That item is out of stock.”

“When will it be back in stock?”

“Hmm. Looks like a twelve-week lead time.”

“I won’t need it in twelve weeks. It will be summer by then. Can I get a refund?”

“I’m sorry, but you bought that item on a close-out special. Unfortunately, there are no refunds.”

“No one told me there were no refunds.”

“You signed the order.”

“I don’t see where it said ‘no refunds.'”

“It’s right on the back. I think you failed to read the terms and conditions.”

“So what can we do?”

“I think you’ll have to wait until the item comes in stock.”

“Do you have a supervisor?”

“I do. Would you like to speak to her?”

“Yes, I would.”

“Please wait while I transfer your call. I’m going to place you on a brief hold.”

“Hello?”

“Yes, hello. Is this the supervisor?”

“No, this is a customer. I want to report a greenhouse damaged in shipment.”

“Wait a minute. I’m on hold with the same problem.”

“Can you issue me a refund?”

“I said I have the same problem.”

“Let me speak to your supervisor.”

Top Ten Things Not to Leave in Your Car

March 6, 2023March 5, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

This post originally ran on February 22, 2016. I think the advice remains the same today. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

The inspiration for this list came on a trip to Austin, Texas two weeks ago. Of course, I didn’t do any of these things, but they came to me while unloading the car. Also, I didn’t try to include kids and pets since there is nothing funny about a possible tragedy. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Leave in Your Car

10 Do not leave a leftover Big Mac in your car. If you do, at best, you will need to ride with the windows down for a week. At worst, you will have to call Terminix to get rid of your new insect passengers. (Bad deal since it was only there for a week, after all)

9 Do not leave your phone in your car. If you do, at best, the sun will give you a new look to your case. At worst, you will wish you had bought the insurance when you get your blob’s replacement price. (No one told you those things were so delicate, did they?)

8 Do not leave your laundry in your car. If you do, at best, those wrinkles will be permanent. At worst, those plastic bags will become part of your fabric. (You got a lot of compliments on the new look, right?)

7 Do not leave your loaded gun in your car. (Texas, after all) If you do, at best, the temperature will remain below the flash point. At worst, your gun will go off and put a hole in the side of your car and the three others parked in a line parallel to yours. (It was only going to be a quick run into the store, right? That SWAT team looks pretty serious.)

6 Do not leave the twelve red roses in your car. If you do, at best, the recipient will not notice a slight wilt. At worst, you will present someone with twelve stems and try to explain how $70.00 worth of blooms are on the floor of your car. ( Man, the sun gets hot, doesn’t it?)

5 Do not leave the first-grade birthday cupcakes in your car. If you do, at best, you can tell the kids they are still warm from the oven. At worst, you will be trying to sell a new treat called cupcake crumble to gullible youth. (I’ll bet they don’t believe you. What do you think?)

4 Do not leave your keys in your car. If you do, at best, the keyman will only charge $75.00 to open the door. At worst, the local car thieves will be able to open your door for free, but you will never see the car again. (Sure, it was inadvertent but still.)

3 Do not leave your suitcase in the car where it can be seen. If you do, at best, no one will notice it on the backseat. At worst, whoever took out your back window figured you had thirty pounds of gold bars in that case. (Go figure. The window will only be $400.00)

2 Do not leave your half-full coffee cup in the holder. If you do, at best, when you return, the coffee will be stale. At worst, you will take a sip, and your lip will immediately blister from the 180-degree heat. (The melted handle should have been your clue.)

1 Do not leave your valuable vintage CD collection in your car. If you do, at best, they may sound a little warped when you play them next. At worst, you will be the proud owner of the largest stack of fused CDs (You can spend months trying to pry them apart or just call it an avant guarde sculpture.)

Views of the Neighborhood – Women in Art

March 5, 2023March 4, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 103 Comments

The Lakeway Arts District presents “Women in Art” a very special art exhibition celebrating Women’s History Month from March 1-31st at the Lake Travis Community Library. We are going to attend the artist’s reception. We are catered by Birdies of Austin. Our entertainment is Eric Clapton.

Menu March 5

Snacks

Marinated Castelvetrano olives – Roasted sweet potatoes with black garlic aioli and almonds – Deviled eggs with Calabrian chili and bottarga – Gorgonzola Dolce or Morbier with baguette

Small plates

A simple green salad with citrus, fennel, and a champagne vinaigrette – Butternut squash soup with brown butter and pumpkin seeds – Beef tartare with pecans, sonora, rosemary, and carta di musical – Linguine with crème fraîche, arugula, and lemon

Larger plates

Snapper with lemon potatoes and caper butter sauce – Chicken cacciatore with mushrooms, guanciale, and polenta

Dessert

Heilala vanilla soft serve with blood orange Agrumato – A warm Sicilian-inspired chocolate chip cookie

Picture of an old time school bus

Let’s get on the bus and go.