Last weekend we had winds more than eighty miles an hour. Although not a hurricane these are the kinds of winds  can cause damage. We did have a piece of siding come off, but little damage otherwise. You can see the strip missing in the photo.

This list was inspired by the idea of trying to function while the wind is blowing. I didn’t try any of these things but want to make sure all have been warned. (Of course, not too many of you are faced with winds at the eighty-mile an hour level.)

10 If you are caught in high winds, do not try to put up a tent. If you do, at best you’ll end up with a pile of waving canvas. At worst, you and the tent might get caught in the wind and break the individual altitude record for unmotorized flight.( you forgot an oxygen mask didn’t you Wheezer)

9 If you are caught in high winds, do not count on that hair glue to keep the toupee in place. If you do, at best you’ll need to be fast to catch it. At worst, your neighbor will witness the top of your head flying off and will end up in the ER with heart problems. (Guess who has no insurance? Yup it’s the neighbor)

8 If you are caught in high winds, do not decide a kiteboard session would be fun. If you do, at best you may find yourself being carried out to sea. At worst, you may find yourself carried inland through endless acres of cactus and palm trees. (I think you might need more than iodine for those wounds Bunkie.)

7 If you are caught in high winds, do not think it is a good idea to cook out. If you do, at best you may not be able to light the fire. At worst, you will get the fire lit as well as the south side of town. (Your insurance policy does not cover stupid)

6 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue with the volleyball game even though the score is tied. If you do, at best that hard spike will come right back to hit you. At worst, your lightest player may have difficulty staying grounded. (Man did you see how they flew after that saving dive for the ball.)

5 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue your sailing excursion. If you do, at best you’ll be able to ride out the storm by hauling down the sheets and setting a storm anchor) At worst you’ll be doing fifty knots just before the mast finally gives way.(Lucky for you this thing is made of wood. Sure is wet though isn’t it?)

4 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue your golf game. If you do, at best you’ll lose a number of balls that become airborne. At worst, you and your golf cart will by some miracle manage to land after a harrowing flight over the 15th green. (Amazing how things without wings can take off. Right Bubba?)

3 If you are caught in high winds, do not forget the old adage about spitting into the wind. If you do, at best you’ll end up embarrassed and wet. At worst, just when you thought it safe you’ll let go and unfortunately, hit some guy named Dick the Bruiser  who is standing downwind. (Wasn’t he the wrestler on TV?)

2 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue your high ladder painting project. If you do, at best your paint droplets will cover a half-mile square area. At worst, you and your paint Could be the subject of the nightly news under the headline, “A New Art Form Has Been Developed called Body Drop with Paint” (You are wondering which hit first the body or the paint)

1 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue to ride your hoverboard, bike, or Segway in an attempt to get to safety. If you do, at best you finally give up. At worst, you will be pulled over by the state police exceeding the speed limit on the freeway. (“All I could do was hang on officer,” is your excuse.)