Tag: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to do While Attending a Home Owners Association Annual Meeting

~ John W. Howell ~ 70 Comments
Photo by Avi Waxman on Unsplash

 

I no longer live in an area with a homeowners association. This post was published on March 9th, 2015, when I did. If you live in an HOA, maybe there is a helpful tip or two.

 

Top Ten Things Not to do While Attending a Home Owners Association Annual Meeting

10 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not challenge everyone who disagrees with your point to go outside and settle things. If you do, at best, you will come off as a crackpot. At worst, several bigger neighbors may take you up on your offer. (Leading to a hurried trip to the ER.)

9 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not tell a long-winded speaker to sit down and shut up. If you do, at best, you will appear to be a bully. At worst, the speaker may be a black belt Karate champ who will show you how he breaks cement blocks using only a head. (Yours)

8 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not ask questions just to show how smart you are about the covenants. If you do, at best, your neighbors will make a note to avoid you at all costs. At worse, you may be appointed as the rule cop for the neighborhood that will endear you to everyone to whom you point out errors (not to mention the joy of egg on your windows)

7 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not try to convince everyone your idea is the next best thing to whipped bread. If you do, at best, you will delay the meeting while contributing to the boredom. At worst, someone in the crowd will yell at you to shut up and sit down, which will expose them to the remedies in item nine.  (They will be waiting outside to settle the deal.)

6 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not bring your Italian sub sandwich to eat during the meeting. If you do, at best, everyone will move away from you. At worst, the biggest guy in the room will invite you to join the sandwich. (It is now in the garbage can outside.)

5 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not get up and ask for donations for your book’s marketing fund. If you do, at best, your neighbors will think you have lost your mind. At worst, they will discover you are an author and warn their family members to stay away from you. ( Especially if they see you carrying books.)

4 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not bring the kids. If you do,, at best, you will be distracted and lose sight of what is being voted. At worst,, your kids will see a bunch of new people and ask some potentially embarrassing questions like, “why is that man wearing hair on his head that doesn’t fit?” (True but embarrassing none the less.)

3 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not try to pretend you haven’t forgotten a few names. If you do, at best, your charade will be transparent, and some will believe you to be an idiot. At worst, you will run out of introductory statements like “Hi there” and be forced to admit you’ve forgotten the name of your next-door neighbor. (He is the man who was kind enough to run out in the rain to help you catch your dog.)

2 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not be the first to “second” every motion. If you do, at best,, your neighbors will think you have no friends. At worst, you may be seconding things that will cause frictions among the neighbors, and you will be seen as in favor no matter that you didn’t even hear the motion. (Don’t try to stamp out that burning brown bag on your front porch.)

1 If you are attending an HOA meeting and the President is reading the agenda, do not sigh and mumble, “Another long boring meeting.” If you do, at best, you are quickly losing a friend in the President. At worst, your outspoken comment may be shared by others, but because you said it, you will be the one who the neighbors will talk about tomorrow. (They’ll begin with the words, “Can you believe how rude he was to his wife?”)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are Short on Time.

~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

 

Here is a post from January 19th, 2015. Clearly,.  I was in the Walter Mitty mood that day. I hope you enjoy it.

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Mondays creep up on me sometimes. I guess I should remember how quickly the weekend goes and not be surprised. Needing to do another Top Ten list got me thinking about time and being under the gun, so to speak. So I decided to use this situation to inspire this week’s list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are Short on Time.

10 If you are short on time, do not stop to talk to sweet old Mrs. Beagly while she walks her dog. If you do, at best, the latest tale will have you captive until you are late. At worst, Mrs. Beagly will sense you are trying to avoid a long chat, and in doing so, she will believe she has cause to stick those pins she has been soaking in bat guano in that doll that has a lock of your hair on its otherwise bald little head. (That pain in your arm may be more than muscle strain)

9 If you are short on time, do not begin mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on the neighbor who has fallen and can’t get up. If you do, at best, you will hurry the process, and the neighbor will be able to tell you don’t have your heart in it. At worst, despite hurrying the process, you have yet to get a sign of life, and because you are late and not that it matters anyway, you call the time of death about three minutes too early. (Maybe leave an apology note for the EMTs)

8 If you are short of time, do not begin surgery on a brain. If you do, a best, you may forget something in your haste to finish. (You know, like reconnecting the pleasure center) At worst, you will totally run out of time, and unfortunately, once you start, there is no good way to pack everything up and plan on finishing tomorrow. (So your foursome will just have to find another player.

7 If you are short of time, do not begin building that rocket to Mars. If you do, at best, you might finish with several nuts and bolts leftover, and the answer for this phenomenon is not “they packed extras.” At worst, you may rush through the job and actually finish only to see your beautiful rocket light up the night sky over Disneyland just in time for the Main Street Parade finale. (Who would have thought one rocket would produce a ten-minute fireworks show?)

6 If you are short of time, do not take flying lessons. If you do, at best, you will know only half of what you need when the propeller on your airplane decides to visit a local cornfield. At worst, you will have rushed through so many of the classes. While dealing with things like fuel starvation, magneto malfunction, preflight check, and navigation on your cross-country flight, you might lose track of your position. It’s not a good thing to be intercepted by two F18s flown by two very unhappy-looking pilots who signal you to follow them. (Straying into restricted space over the White House is a no-no)

5 If you are short of time, do not attempt to prepare an elaborate dinner for your boss and her husband. If you do, at best, they might overlook the rare chicken and concentrate on the bone-in potatoes. At worst, you will give your boss a bad case of salmonella from undercooked food, and although you try to deny it, everyone will assume you did it on purpose so you could have the position. (The fact that you got it underscores the rumors)

4 If you are short of time, do not start a mechanical fix on the family car. If you do, at best, you may not have time to put the car back together again in time for work tomorrow. At worst, you hurriedly fix the vehicle, and while commuting to work, you take notice of the tire passing you on the right, followed by a loud screech and sparks from the hub hitting the road. This is only the beginning since the tire went on and found its way into the front seat after passing through the windshield of the police car in the oncoming lane. ( I think the charge is going to be assault with a deadly tire)

3 If you are short of time, do not offer to help with the kid’s homework. If you do, at best, you will not finish, and the child will get an incomplete the next day. At worst, you will do the best you can in the time allowed and will be more than mortified at the failing grade your child received. A note is attached to the homework reminding parents children to do their own work. (Further insult is a P.S. that the teacher would like you to come in and discuss the issue)

2 If you are short of time, do not offer to help coach your child’s soccer team. If you do, at best, the parents will forgive a couple of your absences. At worst, the parents will blame you for the losing season, and the stigma will stick with you and your child until the child graduates from high school. (for their own good better enroll at a college in Spain)

1 If you are short of time, do not offer to watch someone else’s kids for just a moment. If you do, at best, the other parent will only be a few minutes late, and there will be no harm done. At worst, the other parent will arrive way past when you were to be at your meeting for the bid parameters on a building. The explanation will range from a “to die for” sale at Niemen’s to “I just lost track of time.” The net result is you have been excluded from the bidding on the new project whose scope has changed from one building to a whole shopping center. (So what’s a few million among friends?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Decide to Self-Publish Your Book

~ John W. Howell ~ 97 Comments
Photo by ron dyar on Unsplash

 

This post originally ran on October 12th, 2015. Those with memories of an elephant might like it again. For the rest of us, I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list is my latest effort to self-publish the next John J. Cannon story titled His Revenge. Since I had absolutely no experience in publishing, the journey was a long winding road marked by plenty of mistakes. I’m sure the trial and error method is not over yet, but here is some of what I learned. Don’t forget I’m a fiction writer, so some of these lessons have been enhanced with dubious facts to make them more exciting and hopefully humorous. I would, therefore, resist publishing this list on the Huffington Post. (hear that, Arianna?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Decide to Self-Publish Your Book

10 If you decide to self-Publish your book, do not drink any alcoholic beverages four weeks before and two weeks after you hit the publish button. If you do, at best, those little things you forgot are not necessary. At worst, you find out after six weeks you submitted the wrong cover with the manuscript. (You know the one. It has “fiction” spelled “fuction”).

9 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not try to edit the manuscript yourself. If you do, at best, you will have a fool for an editor. At worst, your book will be featured on a blog with the lovely title of “The Poorest Written Books of the Year.” (You are so lucky to have the top position)

8 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t need to know how to format the interior. If you do, at best, your readers will be treated to several blank lines. At worst, your book will resemble something created by a room full of monkeys on keyboards. (Yeah, it can be done, but that one page with only the word “then” on it took the cake)

7 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think that the cute Crayola picture done by your youngest as the cover is relevant to the book. If you do, at best you will miss some sales due to the confusion. At worst, you will get some letters from outraged parents who thought the story of a mass murderer was for children. (Ah well, you can always refund the money)

6 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t have to follow the instructions on the publishing site. If you do, at best, you will finally give in and start over following directions after wasting many hours. At worst, you will be locked out of the site for one hundred years. (Most places have no sense of humor when it comes to messing with their process).

5 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think the various choices offered by the site are not significant enough to understand the differences. If you do, at best, you may end up with a book that does not make you happy. At worst, your book is so expensive to produce you have no royalty or room to promote. (You are independently wealthy, Right?).

4 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t need to order a proof copy. If you do, at best, you will miss some of those messy little typos and double periods. At worst, you totally missed the fact that you mislabeled the chapter headings and now have two of each. (The reviewers will have so much fun pointing out the mirror effect).

3 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not rush the process. If you do, at best, there will be something overlooked, but no one will notice. At worst, you forgot to include the dedication that you already read aloud to the recipient. (Hard to convince the person you were sincere after this omission).

2 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you can skip the marketing. If you do, at best your family and friends will carry you for a couple of sales. At worst, you will be one of several hundred thousand books published simultaneously and will be entirely lost in the numbers. (You did expect to sell your beautiful book, right?)

1 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not lay awake at night worrying about possible mistakes instead of planning every detail. If you do, at best, you will feel out of control. At worst, you will have a lot to worry about since, without planning, mistakes will happen. (Even with planning, there could be some, Nobody’s perfect).

Top Ten Things Not to Do On a Monday

~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

Last week I replayed what not to do on a Sunday. This week’s post is from August 9th, 2015, which ran one week after the Sunday post. (of course) I hope you like it.

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This list was inspired by facing Monday over 3800 times so far. Everyone was a little different, and it was not because of the day but rather because of the day before. Hope you enjoy it.

funny-monday-pictures-2

Top Ten Things Not to Do On a Monday

10 On Monday, do not bustle into the office as if you don’t have a hangover. If you do, at best, you will broadcast your desperate condition. At worst, you may just burn out by ten o’clock and will have a rough time explaining how you managed to sleep at your desk until after everyone went home. (And you were drooling too)

9 On Monday, do not go into your boss’s office with a demand for higher pay. If you do, at best, you can expect a locked door next time. At worst, your boss is fighting a bad headache, and you are now considered a pain in another part of the body. (We are too gentrified to mention what that part is)

8 On Monday, do not get near fellow workers. If you do, at best, they will thank you for moving further away, given the garlic fumes from your midnight Caesar salad. At worst, you will confirm that you just had to have one more round of firewater before the last call at 2:00. (Funny how two hours of sleep and gallons of coffee won’t get rid of the alcohol vapor)

7 On Monday, do not use a laser pointer during your presentation. If you do, at best, your shaking hands will be magnified by the frantic little dot moving around the screen. At worst, you will accidentally point the laser out the window just in time to catch the eye of a 747 pilot on the final approach to the airport. (The next thing you will face is an interrogation by Homeland Security)

6 On Monday, do not volunteer to be a homeroom parent. If you do, at best, the kids will whisper to the teacher you smell funny. At worst, as you realize you need to visit the restroom, quick, you stumble over little Johnny sliding into the hallway and involuntarily render the trip to the restroom redundant. You also notice how each child can say “eeewww” at a different pitch. (And you thought there would be no teaching moment out of the situation)

5 On Monday, do not meet with friends unless they were with you the night before. If you do, at best, they will not understand your current state. At worst, since they are friends, you can expect an interdiction even though you think you will live. (As luck would have it, you decided you were going to live after that first glass of wine)

4 On Monday, do not operate any dangerous equipment. If you do, at best, you will harm the machinery and not yourself. At worse, you will be screaming for help as the piece of equipment you forgot to turn off heads down the street. (Don’t worry, a runaway forklift can’t cause much harm. Or can it?)

3 On Monday, do not walk the dogs. If you do, at best you will forget where you live. At worst, the dogs will sense some weakness and will take the opportunity to haul you on your stomach through the neighborhood in pursuit of the neighbor’s cat. (Too bad you put on your best outfit for the presentation this morning)

2 On Monday, do not take the carpool to work. If you do, at best, you will be asked a hundred questions about your appearance. At worst, your fellow carpoolers will decide to let you off after a couple of miles, and you’ll have to make your way to work anyway. (And you thought that dime-store cologne was going to cover up your night before reek)

1 On Monday, do not get out of bed. If you do, at best, your college try will get you an F. At worst, you will expose yourself to any one of the nine things on this list. (Trust me, it is safer in bed)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Visiting a Bar

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

 

Photo of a bar
Unsplash image by Freebirds

 

This post was originally run on May 25th, 2015. It was a cautionary prescription before the Memorial Day holiday

Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Bar

10 If you are visiting a bar, do not stand too close to someone expecting them to talk to you. If you do, at best, they will move away. At worst, you might be surprised to find yourself an unwilling volunteer for a jujitsu demonstration with you as a student. (That thumb hold is pretty painful)

9 If you are visiting a bar, do not order a flaming drink for any reason. If you do, at best, you will confirm your narcissistic tendencies. At worst, your concoction will catch the back bar on fire, and the four-alarm fire department response cost will put your credit card into default.(you lit up the night though)

8 If you are visiting a bar, do not join others in doing shots. If you do at best, you will fall unconscious. At worst, you will be on your feet but engaged in behavior that you will not recall at your trial.(But you are sure you had fun)

7. If you are visiting a bar, do not get up on the karaoke stage no matter what. If you do, At best, you will be coerced into singing a song that you have never heard of before. At worst, you will be idiot enough to tackle Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and to attempt to sing all the parts. (The “We will not let him go” part got you)

6 If you are visiting a bar, do not join a discussion about sports if you don’t know anything about sports. If you do, at best, your companions will have proof that you are an idiot. At worst, Tiny, the guy whose facts you were challenging, will finally have had enough and provide you with your solo flying lesson. (That landing will be pretty rough)

5 If you are visiting a bar, do not insist that the band play your song. If you do, at best, the band will ignore you totally. At worst, the huge guy with the word SECURITY on his back will be helping you to the exit to the amusement of the patrons and joy of the band. ( I think if you had just asked once they might have played your song)

4 If you are visiting a bar,  do not try to duck buying a round. If you do, at best, you will soon be drinking alone. At worst, your companions will shame you into buying a drink which to your s everyone in the bar as arranged by your former friends. (Would have been cheaper the other way)

3 If you are visiting a bar, do not challenge the house champion to a game to impress others. If you do, at best, you will be beaten so badly that all those who you wanted to impress think you are a dope. At worst, you will get into several double or nothing bets that will end up with you no longer having a car. (Walking is good for your health)

2 If you are visiting a bar, do not send back a plate of food no matter how bad. If you do, at best, those who you are with will wonder why you had the poor judgment to order food in a bar in the first place. At worst, your plate will return from the kitchen with some additional ingredients courtesy of the night cook and his dog. (Don’t even taste it)

1 If you are visiting a bar, do not accept the pickled egg eating challenge. If you do, at best, you will be finished for the night. At worst, you will be feeling the physical effects of too many pickled eggs for the next week, including sleeping alone in the yard. (Think about it next time)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Whole Foods

~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

 

 

This post was originally run on April 7th, 2015. I hope you get a laugh or two out of this re-run.

Top Ten Things Not to do at Whole Foods

10 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think you are at a discount outlet. If you do, at best, your heart will hit a never before achieved rate at checkout. At worst, you will have to do the wait of shame while the checker calls the stock person to return everything you were forced to give up at the checkout. (The people behind you have a feeling of love right now.)

9 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think the salad bar is a taste first, then buy spot. If you do, at best, store security will remind you loudly that you are not to eat anything before checking out. At worst, you might be asked to weigh in for a residual weight charge on your next visit. (You will be asked loudly for your weight prior to entering the store.)

8 If you are at Whole Foods and are having a salad to go, do not forget the price is by the pound. If you do, at best, you may have loaded your salad with heavy veggies that will lighten your cash. At worst, you will come to realize for the cost of the salad, you could have bought a farm and raised your own. (You will need a horse, of course.)

7 If you are at Whole Foods, do not go there hungry. If you do, at best, you will overspend dramatically. At worst, you will come face to face with the reason the store has the nickname “Whole Paycheck.”( Yes, you can get a loan for your next trip.)

6 If you are at Whole Foods, do not decide to discuss politics with the essential oil and vitamin store person. If you do, at best, you will have to listen to some very disturbing theories on the government’s use of food to eliminate its enemies. At worse, you might find yourself involved in a discussion and resulting firm request to join the Retake the Food underground, which has only one satisfactory conclusion, and that is to run out of the store. (You are lucky you didn’t sign up.)

5 If you are in Whole Foods, do not joke around about wanting more trans-fat in your diet. If you do, at best, you will receive some pretty strange looks. At worst, you might be wrestled to the ground by well-meaning food cranks in an effort to save your mortal self from a fate worse than nicotine addiction. (Now that you are tied up, maybe you can explain it was a joke.)

4 If you are in Whole Foods, do not reach over the counter to help yourself if you sit at the wine bar. If you do, at best, you might be asked to leave. At worst, you may be banned from Whole Foods for up to a year that they consider the ultimate punishment. (As if anyone could stand not to visit for a year.)

3 If you are at Whole Foods and are looking for organic potato chips understand they still are not a good thing to eat.  If you forget, at best, you might wonder where you got that extra ten pounds. At worst, you will no doubt feel comfortable consuming organic potato chips until you no longer feel comfortable in your clothes. (The calories jump on the body the same way organic or no.)

2 If you are at Whole Foods and want a breakfast taco. Remember, the prices of the extras beyond the tortilla are on an individual basis. If you forget, at best, you will have the most expensive taco you have ever had. At worst, you will need to make a run to the bank before your number comes up.(You can leave a security deposit to hold your place.)

1 If you are at Whole Foods and decide to have a cup of coffee, do not think you can just order a cup of coffee. If you do, at best, the rest of the line will wonder what planet you were from as you stumble through the process. At worst, you will finally walk away with a cup of something that will closely resemble an oil change in the rainforest. ( That buzz you feel is all-natural.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Martin Luther King Jr. Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments
Photo by Clay Banks – Unsplash

It has been 93 years since Martin Luther King Jr was born. Today we celebrate his birth, although the actual day was January 15th. Today’s Top Ten is a focus on just one thing not to do. Do not hate your neighbor and take a lesson from Dr. King’s non-violent approach to change.

I wish for a day of peace that will become so comfortable that it extends into a week, then a month, then a year. Who knows? It could last a lifetime.

Let’s hope Dr. King’s example serves to guide our behavior going forward.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Lighting of the First National Christmas Tree at the White House by Calvin Coolidge in 1923

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

This post ran last year at this time. Since the history news is pretty light this week, I decided to run it again. Wishing you a terrific Holiday.

This week marks the anniversary of the lighting of the first national Christmas tree on the White House grounds by Calvin Coolidge on Christmas Eve in 1923. The tree was a balsam fir from Vermont and stood 48 feet high. It was also the first time electricity was used to light the green and red bulbs. In the spirit of the season, we need to go there and take part in the ceremony. Don’t forget to pack this list. We don’t want any accidents in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Lighting of the First National Christmas Tree in 1923.

10 If you go, do not start singing “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.” If you do, at best, everyone will believe you were overserved with Wassel. At worst, you’ll raise questions about this thing called “rock.” (Now you’ve done it, Julius. You are singing a song released in 1958, and trust me, brother, you are no Brenda Lee.)

9 If you go, do not ignore the warnings of Tiny, the WWF champ, to stay behind the ropes. If you do, at best, you’ll get a shove that will return you to behind the lines. At worst, Tiny, who missed his last five self-esteem group meetings, will take personal offense that you didn’t listen to him. (Don’t worry, Jamal. Tiny will tire of spinning you above his head and give you a toss. Good thing, there is snow on the ground. Oh, I didn’t see that rock where you landed. That had to have hurt.)

8 If you go, do not mess with the extension cord running from the White House to the tree. If you do, at best only the tree lights will go out. At worst, you will be the cause of the East Coast grid going down. (How embarrassing for Mr. Coolidge. Here he wanted to do something beautiful for the country, and instead, the population is shivering in their dark hovels on Christmas. I couldn’t have invented a more “Grinch stole Christmas” story if I tried, Jon. Thanks.)

7 If you go, do not take more than one sugar cookie. If you do, at best, some others will not want theirs. At worst, you will have eaten a cookie that would have marked the difference between a joyous Christmas and a dismal one for a sweet child. Wow another story, Joey. You are some muse.)

6 If you go, do not think you can join the Epiphany Church choir in singing Christmas carols. If you do, at best, the members will drown you out. At worst, you’ll take a solo part causing multiple shatterings of the White House Waterford crystal. (Talk about not being invited back next year, Jermaine. Mrs. Coolidge is in tears, and Calvin looks like he is going to explode.)

5 If you go, do not forget to take a gift. If you do, at best, no one will notice. At worse, Calvin will let you know that all the presents received are being given to the orphanage. (You might want to run down to the five and dime and pick something up, Jax. No, taking one from the plie just won’t cut it.)

4 If you go, do not remove one of the 2500 bulbs on the tree, thinking it would make a great souvenir. If you do, at best, no one will miss it. At worst, once you remove the bulb, the rest go dark. (This is 1923, Jeffery. Way before the invention of the parallel circuit light string where the others stay lit. )

3 If you go, do not forget to take off your wet boots before traipsing through the White House. If you do, at best, others will too. At worst, the head custodian of the White House will make sure you clean up the mess. (Also, Jefferson, the head custodian, is Tiny’s brother, Bigen. It looks like you will be mopping floors for a very long time.)

2 If you go, do not think you can take an ornament off the inside tree. If you do, at best security will let you put it back. At worst, you will be charged with attempting to steal government property. (Benjamin Harrison was the first to set up a tree in the White House in 1889. You just managed to grab one of the original ornaments, Jarrod. This just may be a capital crime. At least Calvin thinks so.)

1 If you go, do not bring out your “Save the Trees” protest sign. If you do, at best, you’ll get raised eyebrows. At worst, Calvin will ask the Marine Band to play some traveling music while the secret service escorts you to Pennsylvania Avenue. (Nothing like a grand exit, Jules. You certainly will be talked about, especially since you caught your trousers on the iron fence after being tossed over. The hit song Moon over Pennsylvania captured the moment.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Reaching the South Pole for the First Time with Roald Amundsen in 1911

~ John W. Howell ~ 90 Comments
Amundsen Party, 1911. Photo by unidentified

This week marks the 109th anniversary of explorer Roald Amundsen’s successful mission to be the first to reach the South Pole. Although it might be a might chilly, we should go there and experience what it is like. Let’s be sure to  take a list of the things not to do to prevent a tear in the time continuum. We will be toasty in James’s Oldsmobile on the way there. I would dress warmly since it is fifteen below zero F (-26.1 C) right now.

James Wainwright’s 1956 Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop. You should read this one on Amazon. Just click the car to go there. Hurry back.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Reaching the South Pole for the First Time with Roald Amundsen in 1911

10 If you go, do not mention Robert Peary’s expedition to the North Pole in 1909. If you do, at best, no one cared. At worst, you mentioned it to Roald Amundsen himself. (I guess no one filled you in, Marcel. Roald was all set to take off for the North Pole when Peary beat him to it. That’s why he went to the South Pole. I don’t know if it means anything, but he’s asking you to get out of the dog sled and walk.)

9 If you go, do not try to move into Tiny the WWF champ’s tent. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t be there. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped his last few court-mandated group sessions on anger management, thinks you are taking his property. (Don’t worry about the landing this time, Matthias. The snow is fresh and quite soft this time of year.)

8 If you go, do not suggest to Roald that you think power sledges would be better than sled dog arrangements. If you do, at best, he will be busy and not hear you. At worst, he will think your suggestion is meant to sabotage the expedition. (He heard that Robert F. Scott, his competitor, was using Siberian motor sledges, Siberian ponies, and dogs. Of course, he would have no way of knowing that Scott failed. He now thinks you are a spy, Myles.)

7 If you go, Do not make jokes about yellow snow. If you do, at best, your fellow explorers have already heard them. At worse, Roald will overhear you. (now you’ve done it, Montgomery. Roald now thinks you are an idiot. I hope he doesn’t ask where you came from.)

6 If you go, do not ask how much the expedition cost. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worse, you’ll ask Roald Amundsen. ( the problem is, Murray Roald had to mortgage his house to make up the expense shortfall.  He is totally in debt and is not happy with the question. Quick, ask him about his birthday.)

5 If you go, do not question what you are eating. If you do, at best, everyone will avoid the question. At worse, the cook will explain exactly what you are eating. (Due to the scarcity of protein, Marcelo. You are eating meat from the weakest dog. Yes, it had to be done, and don’t make a fuss about your Keto diet doesn’t include dog meat.)

4 If you go, do not ask about the earlier expedition in September. If you do, at best, everyone will walk away. At worst, you’ll ask Amundsen. ( Well, Marlon, this is a sore spot with Amundsen. It seems against the advice of his fellow explorers, he started out for the Pole too early. The September temperatures almost did the party in. They were lucky to get back to their base camp. Being a proud man, Amundsen doesn’t like to be reminded of his failures. He now wonders what to do with you.)

3 If you go, do not ask anyone to repeat the dark mirage story. If you do, at best, you’ll get no takers. At worst, Amundsen catches wind of your inquiry. (Around December 12th, 1911, Mickey the group spied what appeared to be a dark object on the horizon. They were all concerned until it was discovered to be their own dog droppings magnified by a mirage. Amundsen is warning you to forget the story. He’s the boss.)

2 If you go, do nor ask if the men are certain of the location of the South Pole. If you do, at best, you’ll get a yes. At worst, you will also face the ire of Amundsen. (You see, Marten,  Amundsen spent three days calculation the location of the pole. He is most certain. He now wants you to step outside with ut your coat. You don’t want to do that.)

1 If you go, do not ask the fate of second-place finisher, Robert F. Scott. At best, no one will know. At worst, you might be tempted to spill the beans. (Of course, you know, Makoto that Scott reached the South Pole on January 17th, more than a month after Amundsen. You also know Scott, and his party died on the way back to their base camp after reaching the Pole. If you don’t ask, you won’t be tempted to cause a tear in the time continuum.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Veterans Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

 

This week marks the 102nd anniversary of the end of World War One. On the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month of 1918, the hostilities ended with the Armistice Agreement’s signing. Since that time, nations around the world observe the day with remembrance. Until June 1, 1954, November 11th was designated Armistice Day in the US. Armistice Day primarily honored those who participated in WWI. Since WWII and Korea had occurred, legislation was passed to rename Armistice Day Veterans Day, which then became a day to honor American veterans of all wars.

So the Top Ten Things Not to Do on Veterans Day all remain the same.

Do not forget to honor our veterans, both the living and those who are no longer with us. It is they who gave selfishly of themselves so that we may have the freedom we enjoy today.

This week, I honor, Major John Fremole Orlando Howell M.D, Lieutenant John Allen Howell, Lieutenant Thomas Wreesman, Warrant Officer James Sharp, and Gunnery Sergeant Bob Sharp. Each served their country in a time of war.