Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Need a Rest Area.

July 26, 2021July 25, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

This list first ran on July 28th in 2014. Since summer travel is going on now, I thought it would be relevant. Also, it was about a year after Top Ten things Not to Do started.

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Here is the 56th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. So, with all the summer travels, I thought I would offer advice on what not to do when you need to stop. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Need a Rest Stop

10 If you need a rest stop, do not think you need to finish that 32-ounce Big Gulp. If you do, at best, you will reach the rest stop with no delay. At worst, the traffic pile-up on the 687 caused you to run onto the median for relief. Of course, the evening news carried the story with the enhancement of your handcuffed frame over the back of a police car.

9 If you need a rest stop, do not continue down the highway. If you do, at best, you may make it to your destination dog tired but in one piece. At worst, you will be wondering why the police wake you up with a summons and ask you to move your car off the interstate highway into the care of the friendly tow truck driver.

8 If you need a rest stop, do not speed up to get there faster. If you do, at best, you may not make it any quicker. At worst, you will be trying to explain to the friendly officer why you have a grimace on your face and why you were speeding.

7 If you need a rest stop, do not listen to others in the car who call you chicken. If you do, at best, you will be uncomfortable. At worst, you will get no credit for being brave when everyone finally gets wind of your mistake.

6 If you need a rest stop, do not assume there is one every ten miles and go flying by the last one. If you do, at best, you may get lucky, and there is one close. At worst, you have just seen the last rest area for one thousand miles, and you might as well pray for a cover of darkness which you will need in ten minutes.

5 If you need a rest stop, do not think everyone in the car needs one as well. If you do, at best, you will only hear the grumbles about stopping again. At worst, your car mates (or family) will take your frequent needs to stop as evidence you never wanted to go on this trip in the first place and may end up on the roof like granny Griswold.

4 If you need a rest stop, do not think the water found there is safe for drinking. If you do, at best you may only have a slight reaction. At worst you might be spending your entire vacation in the ER clutching a metal pan begging the attendants for painkilling drugs, or failing that, to use euthanasia as a final solution.

3 If you need a rest stop do not pull into one of those country kitchen store kind of places. If you do, at best, you will only have to shell out a small fortune for the treats everyone picked up. At worst, your family will want to stay for a nice $25.00 a plate country fried steak dinner (with all the fixin’s), and before you know it, all your vacation money has been spent.

2 If you need a rest stop, do not try to get free air for your tires. If you do, at best, it will only cost you a dollar to fill them. At worst, the machine has been programmed to actually suck the air out of your tires, and the only way to get a refill is to pay an attendant to do it for you. You will probably need to sell your car to settle up

1 If you need a rest stop, do not get off the interstate to go see a crocodile farm as a way to kill two birds with one stone. If you do, at best, the owner of the crocodile farm will not have gas and a restroom. At worst, you will be hearing the music from Deliverance as you meet the lovely down-home family who has yet to see a more beautiful car in all their born days.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Live in a Vacation Destination

July 19, 2021July 18, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 84 Comments

Originally published on July 22, 2015, and was the first mention of Tiny.

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This list has been inspired by observing the interaction between vacationers and locals at some vacation destinations where I have found myself as a resident. Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do If You Live in a Vacation Destination

10 If you live in a vacation destination, do not honk your horn at the drivers who habitually go ten miles below the speed limit. If you do, at best, they will go even slower. At worst, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a very frustrated lost out-of-towner with a car full of kids and someone asking, “If we should have stopped and asked directions.” (And they might just have their semi-automatic weapon collection along for the ride.)

9 If you live in a vacation destination, do not put off grocery shopping until the end of the week. If you do, at best, you will be able to check out before your ice cream is liquefied. At worst, you will have spent three hours fighting out-of-towners for items on your list only to find you lost a majority of the battles. (And the last six-pack of beer went to an immense guy named Tiny. ( At least that’s what the tattoo you read on the fingers of his fist said before your lights went out.)

8 If you live in a vacation destination, do not drive your car downtown between Thursday and Sunday. If you do, at best, your round trip will be several hours. At worst, you will be forced to sleep overnight in your car since you parked in the only spot available only to find all the streets have been closed to traffic until dawn (And you didn’t bring a toothbrush)

7 If you live in a vacation destination, do not plan to have dinner out from May 30^th until September 2^nd. If you do, at best you will be disappointed with the quality and service. At worst, you will be served hours after your order and will receive a meal lower than fast food quality and priced like Michelin Four Star. (And you ran out of things to talk about an hour before.)

6 If you live in a vacation destination, do not look forward to a peaceful summer. If you do, at best, you will finally give up and stay inside. At worst, you will become known to the police as “that crank with no sense of humor.” (And even get a busy signal on a 911 call).

5 If you live in a vacation destination, do not think by being rude to the visitors, somehow they will never come back. If you do, at best, you will receive some rudeness in return. At worst, you may just be rude to the wrong person and end up looking like a raccoon. (Tough to explain as well)

4 If you live in a vacation destination, do not think everyone picks up after themselves. If you do, at best, you will become disillusioned quickly. At worst, you will find yourself explaining to the police why you are threatening out-of-towners with a litter pickup stick. (And they have their Tasers at the ready)

3 If you live in a vacation destination, do not even think of going to the Dairy Queen. If you do, at best, all your cones will look like shakes. At worst, your blood pressure will hit overdrive as you watch the two clerks try to handle one hundred customers. (And you wonder why management is surprised by a rush of business during vacation time)

2 If you live in a vacation destination, do not give anyone permission to park in your driveway just for a moment. If you do, at best, you will not be able to get out for a few hours. At worst, you will have the vacationers in your driveway for two weeks. (And the car is locked)

1 If you live in a vacation destination, do not casually mention the idea people should visit. If you, at best you will only get a few who will take you up on your “offer.” At worst, you will have a houseful of permanent residents, and you’ll be lucky if you even know them. (And they remind you of being out of beer.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Fair

July 12, 2021July 12, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

This post originally ran on July 13, 2015. It seemed like good advice then. If you haven’t read it, I hope you enjoy it.

Since it is summer, and there are many fairs and carnivals, I thought it would be a good idea to provide a list of things not to do if you plan on visiting one or more. The inspiration for this list is some fair visits and watching several people do what should not be done. Hope you enjoy

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Fair.

10 If you go to the fair and take a shuttle from the parking lot, do not start singing the Trolley Song from Meet me in St Louis. If you do, at best, the crowd will groan at the cliché. At worst, you will forget the words beyond “clang clang clang went the trolley” and look like an idiot. (Hint its “ding ding ding went the bell”)

9 If you go to the fair, do not put your kids on leashes as if they were pets. If you do, at best, you will find folks tripping over the lines. At worst, the kids may decide to play as dogs and lift a leg at an inopportune time.

8 If you go to the fair, do not walk around while stuffing your face with fair goodies. If you do, at best, you might not notice the ketchup running down your arm and alarm others who think you’ve been wounded. At worst, you’ll resemble some of the exhibits in the swine barn. (The plus side you might win a ribbon)

7 If you go to the fair, do not fall for the deep-fried novelties booth. If you do, at best, you will hate yourself in the morning. At worst, you will jeopardize your expensive dental work on the deep-fried Snickers bar. (On second thought, it might be worth it)

6 If you go to the fair, do not pay money to have someone guess your weight. If you do, at best, even if the guesser is wrong, the world now knows how much you weigh. At worst, the guesser will get your weight exactly right and, unfortunately, will announce to the crowd that he wasn’t sure, so he added ten pounds to his guess. (And you did not get a Cupie doll)

5 If you go to the fair, do not ride the ride where everyone is screaming. If you do, at best, you will get a sore throat from your own screaming. At worst, you will make a complete fool out of yourself, crying and begging the operator to let you off. (And this is before the ride starts)

4 If you go to the fair, do not think the house of fun is fun. If you do, at best you will be surprised at all the screaming and find it is you. At worst, you will have trouble holding onto that 32-ounce big gulp you just finished. (And it’s not the cup we are talking about)

3 If you go to the fair, do not think you will win many stuffed animals at the midway. If you do, at best, you will finally figure out the games are not winnable by ordinary people. At worst, you will spend way more than the value of the animal you eventually win. (Of course, you can always keep trying and invest enough that you could have used to buy a car)

2 If you go to the fair, do not announce how stinky you think the barns smell in a loud voice. If you do, at best, you might get a few frowns. At worst, you might be invited outside for a chat by Daniel Yoder, the national tractor throwing champ. (He will want to find out what part of cow poop you don’t like)

1 If you go to the fair and hear the word “stampede,” do not stand there and wonder what it means. If you do, at best, the herd will take the next aisle. At worst, you will be faced with a bunch of panicked cows or horses who will be more than happy to continue the same course whether you are in the way or not. (Those hooves are hard)

Top Ten Things Not to do at a School Reunion

July 5, 2021July 4, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 95 Comments

This post was originally run on July 6th, 2015. Since several reunions are going on this summer, I thought you would enjoy it again.

Top Ten Things Not to do at a School Reunion

10 If you attend a school reunion, do not pose for photos that you don’t know where they will be published. If you do at best, the photos will only be traded among classmates. At worst, they will end up on the “what the not to wear, eat, or drink” website. (Which will go viral, and you’ll be getting calls from the Today show to appear on their segment called EXCESS)

9 If you attend a school reunion, do not pretend to be what you are not. If you do, at best, your little fib will be seen as a joke. At worst, your profile on the class newsletter will be featured under the title Most Successful Grad. (Which will be picked up by the news services and published by your hometown newspaper. It does make your job cooking fast food burgers seem more important, though.)

8 If you attend a school reunion, do not bring a date that you do not know simply because they are beautiful. If you do, at best, your charade will be found out early with no consequences. At worst, your date will discover the true reason you brought them and make an exit and a scene remembered for the next five reunions. (Only you passing away will halt the storytelling)

7 If you attend a school reunion, do not rent an expensive car for your grand entrance. If you do, at best, you will look overly anxious to impress and get the opposite reaction. At worst, the valet will take your rental car for a spin and inadvertently leave the side chrome on the street, fleeing a hit-and-run accident. (Which you will easily be able to explain to the judge)

6 If you attend a school reunion, do not try to hide the fact that you don’t remember everyone’s name. If you do, at best, you will look like a fool trying to check name tags without being caught. At worst, you will call someone by a different name, and the name will be associated by that person to an old flame or rival. (You will have a bunch of points on that one)

5 If you attend a school reunion, do not take this time to argue fine points about your grades with your old teachers. If you do, at best, the teachers will wish they had flunked you. At worst, one of them may remember you failed to turn in that assignment in the eleventh grade that will require you to repeat the course and nullify your high school diploma. (Try explaining that to your boss)

4 If you attend a school reunion, do not think your old flame wants to begin where you left off just by smiling at you. If you do, at best, you will be embarrassed to learn they are happily married. At worst, you will be a little too forward thinking all is forgiven. The icing on the cake will be you arrested as you leave the building for assault. ( Gotta remember no means no)

3 If you attend a school reunion, do not assume the free drinks at the bar carry no consequences. If you do, at best, you may exhibit a little tipsiness that everyone will think is cute. At worst, you will have the honor and resulting infamy of passing out on top of the Congratulations Class cake. (The clothes you’re wearing belong to your roommate as well.)

2 If you go to a school reunion, do not offer to be part of the planning committee for the next one. If you do, at best everyone will forget your offer. At worst, you will be appointed chairperson with all the rights and responsibilities to make the next one the best ever. (You will also want to get a Xanax prescription)

1 If you go to a school reunion, do not tell everyone you meet that “we must get together.” If you do at best, they will all wonder if you are having a breakdown. At worst, the ones you least want to see will stay in touch long enough to cop a free overnight on their way through your town. (Plus, they have some kind of foot infection that requires you to burn your sheets when they leave)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Taking Family Photos

June 28, 2021July 1, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 97 Comments

Photo of a camera — Unsplash photo by Jeff Cortez

This post was originally run on March 30, 2015. I hope you enjoy it again or if you haven’t seen it, I hope you enjoy it now. Summertime is photo time. Also, I am at Story Empire today talking about writing motivation killers. Please join me if you wish. Here’s the link. Do come back though.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Taking Family Photos

10 If you are taking family photos, do not forget the background. If you do, at best, you might have a stray person in the shot. At worst, you may have the perfect family park photo with a lovely backdrop of the trash receptacle or incontinent dog.

9 If you are taking family photos, do not ignore what each person has in their hand. If you do, at best, you’ll take photos that catch a bunch of red Solos. At worse, you may get a fine shot of everyone with red Solos as well as Uncle Jeff and his smoked turkey leg. (Uncle Jeff looks like he has escaped from a quiet care facility)

8 If you are taking family photos, do not let anyone pose without a shirt. If you do, at best, you have to hope your family is well toned. At worst, you will have photos of family members who resemble a gathering of a Yeti clan or a convention of the Michelin Man actor’s league. (That underarm is a classic.)

7 If you are taking family photos, do not let the camera shake. If you do, at best, your photos will be blurry. At worst, the photos will make your family appear as if they are having severe withdrawal from controlled substances. (The DEA is very interested in these photos)

6 If you are taking family photos, tell a joke and don’t just command everyone to smile. If you do, at best, your family will look artificial in appearance. At worst, you will have captured what will be interpreted by outsiders as living proof zombies exist. (Why didn’t aunt Mary bring her teeth today?)

5 If you are taking family photos, do not take this occasion to introduce some creative photo techniques you have always wanted to try. If you do, at best, your family will not understand what you have done. At worst, you will have created a set of photos that your family will insist be burned in front of them along with the memory stick, which they will destroy in front of you.(You made them look like America’s Most Wanted.)

4 If you are taking family photos, do not try to take photos late into the party. If you do, at best everyone will appear tired in the pictures. At worst, you will find it more difficult to get pictures without tongues sticking out and two fingers behind every head. (Where did that side tongue thingy come from anyway?)

3 If you are taking family photos, do not pose members in an unflattering way. If you do, at best, you might hurt some feelings. At worst, Aunt Malva and Uncle George will seek an injunction to have the photos kept from public view. Especially that one where they are comparing the size of their bellies. ( That photo is one step up from Uncle Joe’s moon.)

2 If you are taking family photos, do not over-serve yourself. If you do, at best you will take some pictures that aren’t useable. At worst, you will capture some subjects in unusual poses which you think are fine, but the subjects want to figure a way to eliminate you for having them in your possession. (That selfie of a close-up of your nose is a classic.)

1 If you are taking family photos, do not keep everyone waiting while setting the camera and the lights and the self-timer. If you do, at best, your photo will show some of the tension. At worst, you‘ll have a photo where it appears someone has just opened a large container of Limburger cheese. (I think their faces are stuck that way.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Get a Honey-Do List

June 21, 2021June 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

This post originally ran on June 22, 2016. honey-do lists never go out of style.

The inspiration for this list has been several years of being the recipient of lists of things that needed fixing. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Get a Honey Do List

10 If you receive a honey do list, do not laugh at the items. If you do, at best, you’ll get one of those looks that turn brave thoughts to flee instincts. At worst, you’ll have to try to defend the undefendable fact that you haven’t kept up with normal maintenance. (The couch is pretty lumpy, wouldn’t you say?)

9 If you receive a honey do list, do not take shortcuts to complete the list. If you do, At best, the inspection will produce some embarrassing deficiencies. At worst, you find yourself in the do-over mode, and it will take longer than the original model would have taken. (Was that game you rushed to see worth it, Buster?)

8 If you receive a honey do list, do not try to substitute available materials for those that require a store trip. If you do, at best, the fix will last a month or two. At worst, you’ll find after the job definite evidence that you blew it. (How do you feel about a bedroom full of water? Bunky)

7 If you receive a honey do list, do not try to do it if you don’t know how. If you do, at best, you will need to call a pro to complete the work. At worst, you will need to call a pro to fix what you messed up and then finish the work. (Feel good about paying twice what the project would have cost in the first place?)

6 If you receive a honey do list, do not call your friends to help. If you do, at best, they will all but prevent the job from being completed. At worst, none of them will have the skills needed but will attempt to help with questionable results. (You did incur beer and food costs in addition to the repair of the repair costs, huh, Bud?)

5 If you receive a honey do list, do not ignore the instructions as to the desired outcome. If you do, at best, the job will never be satisfactory. At worst, your usual roundabout way of doing things will add time and cost to the project. (Maybe it wasn’t necessary to dig that hole and build a foundation for the flower box after all, right?)

4 If you receive a honey do list, do not fail to finish each item. If you do, at best, you will appear to be someone who needs planning help. At worst, you will be faced with someone who has been hired to complete what you start. (Man, those labor costs are killers, aren’t they?)

3 If you receive a honey do list, do not make excuses for not doing the items. If you do, at best, your excuses will fall on deaf ears. At worse, the excuses will be used as justification for engaging Expensive & How contracting. (What’s in a name? Whoa!)

2 If you receive a honey do list, do not put off getting to work on it immediately. If you do, at best, the list will only get longer. At worst, there will be a growing feeling that you will never get the list done, culminating in an introduction to Beaucoup Bucks & Sons. (Man, those sons sure have dirty shoes, don’t they?)

1 If you receive a honey do list, do not fail to report the results of projects completed. If you do, at best, there will be no record of accomplishment. At worst, you will not have confirmation that the job is complete, and it may just show up again. (You have to demonstrate you can get things done, Buford.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding

June 14, 2021June 13, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

This post originally ran on June 15th 2015. It still appears to hold some water today.

Since June is wedding month, I can’t let it pass without making some comments on what we should all avoid if we are in a wedding, invited to a wedding, or married. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding (no matter who you are)

10 If you are a wedding guest, do not be tempted to pick up and shake a few of the wedding presents to see if there are sets of china or appliances inside. If you do, at best those observing you will know you bought a cheap gift or none at all. At worst, you will be asked to step away from the gifts by a large man with the word SECURITY above his left pocket. He also happens to be the brother of one of the celebrants, and you are now busted since he assumes you are looking to pick out one to go.

9 If you are a parent of the celebrants, do not tell anyone how you feel about not being good enough for your child. If you do, at best, you will be confiding with someone who knows the other and has not met yours and can’t wait to report your indiscretion. At worst, you might be told to mind your own business and quite possibly followed by a knuckle sandwich (hold the mayo).

8 If you are a second in a wedding, do not think your job is to complain about every detail of the process and how much the whole thing cost you in air travel and clothes. If you do, at best, people will assume the only reason you are at the wedding party is that you are family. (Whether you are or not) At worst, you will add a degree of declassé to the event and will not be forgotten when it comes time to remember the most idiotic attendees.

7 If you are the best person, do not think your toast needs to have several cringe moments, including a detailed description of the past fiancées. If you do, at best, the wedding guests will think your humor is a little bizarre. At worst, it will be assumed you are drunk and out of control that should prompt an intervention placing you in the back of the Quiet Acres van on your way to rehab.

6 If you are the person of honor, do not think your toast has to include rapid hand fanning and a bunch of tears. If you do, at best, the room will pray you faint quickly. At worst, you started without a tissue, and now the streaked mascara and runny nose have cleared out the tables within a ten-foot radius.

5 If you are officiating the wedding ceremony, do not think you can rely on the notes when it comes time to say the names of the celebrants. If you do, at best, you will stumble on the names as you have lost your place in the written word and demonstrate how shallow you are. At worst, you will be using last week’s notes and continue to call the celebrants by names that you have an indication are not correct, but hope are close to the real thing. (hint they’re not)

4 If you are the caterer of a wedding, do not think you can cut corners the day of the event to increase the bottom line. If you do, at best, you will be able to substitute for the few things that you are short. At worst, you will have the luck to cater the wedding of a family of lawyers and will be fighting the lawsuit of breach of contract for the next ten years wishing all the time you had settled out of court.

3 If you are a musician at a wedding, do not think your usual twenty-minute set break each hour will be tolerated by the marriage guests. If you do, at best, you will have several of them with you requesting songs no matter where you go. At worst, as the evening gets older, you will believe your life is in danger once the music stops. You will be reminded of a pack of wolves surrounding and closing in on the camper as the fire dies. ( Better keep playing).

2 If you are the venue manager of a wedding, do not think there will be any problem asking everyone to leave at the appointed hour. If you do, at best, your encounter with overserved wedding guests will be loud and unpleasant. At worst, you will be barricaded in your office praying the SWAT team arrives before the angry mob does what was subtly suggested when someone yelled, “Get some tar and feathers.”

1 If you are a server at a wedding, do not think you will get rich on the tips. If you do, at best, you will realize that people attending a free event think everything’s free. At worst, the tips you counted on receiving you already spent, and you will now need to work another job to offset the lost revenue. (Of course, you could turn into a pickpocket. Naw, that’s not right.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation time

June 7, 2021June 6, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 91 Comments

This post originally ran on June 8th, 2015. Although COVID has replaced physical ceremonies with virtual, it still seems relevant.

The inspiration for this list is the fact that it is graduation season. When you think of all the graduations that are being held in the US alone, you realize the potential exists that these ten things occur with similar results. I hope you enjoy the list and can manage to avoid them.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time

10 If you are a graduate, do not put something dumb on your mortar. If you do, at best, even if your family sees you, they will not want to admit you belong to them. At worst, the picture taken of your message will go viral and will show up every time someone searches your name on Google, including prospective employers.

9 If you are a graduate parent, do not blow any type of horn when your child receives their diploma. If you do, at best, you will cause your kid to want to find another home. At worst, that big over trained guy in front of you is fighting a hangover and will help you stow your horn where you will not want it stored.

8 If you are a speaker at graduation, do not tell the graduates that the world is looking to them for salvation. If you do, at best, your cliché will remind everyone just how out of it you are. At worst, your words will be quoted in some satirical publications that will point out just how many times graduating classes heard the same words throughout the millennium.

7 If your graduate has decided to skip the ceremony, do not fight the decision. If you do, at best, your child will make attending the ceremony sound like parental abuse. At worst, the child will attend with something dumb written on the mortar to the tune of “my parents made me do this,” and you can expect the message broadcasted worldwide.

6 If your family is experiencing graduation, do not think this indicates your job as a parent is complete. If you do, at best, you will be surprised by requests for help as life commences. At worst, you will need counseling to overcome the feeling of failure as your child asks to move into your spare room.

5 If you are the graduation ceremony organizer, do not think everything will run smoothly because of your careful planning. If you do at best, you will be unprepared when something goes wrong. At worst, you will not know what to do with a thousand champaign corks bouncing off the facility and school officials even though you banned the presence of alcohol at the ceremony.

4 If you are holding a graduation party, do not leave your house even though you trust your loving child to be trustworthy and in control. If you do, at best, a few more guests who were not expected will attend with little consequence. At worst, the state police will look for you to help fund the fire department, EMS, and SWAT team expenses that were incurred to break up the party and put out the fire destroying yours and two neighbor houses

3 If you have a graduate, do not overdo the gift. If you do, at best, your child will expect a similar prize for other accomplishments. At worst, someday, it will need to be replaced, and the words about the child being on their own when you gave the gift are forgotten.

2 If you are attending a graduation ceremony, do not treat the event as if it is a football game. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks when you enter the stand with the school colors and jersey and that giant foam # 1 hand. At worst, you will get many interested police and firefighters responding to the school complaint regarding the bratwurst you are grilling at your tailgate gathering.

1 If you have a graduate, do not keep telling them how amazed you are that they made it through school. If you do, at best, they will think you did not have faith in their abilities. At worst, you will give the child a complex that will be manifest in the longing for a career in fast food service as a grill person.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When it’s Your Birthday

May 17, 2021May 17, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 110 Comments

This post ran on May 11, 2015. I hope you like it if you haven’t seen it.

The inspiration for this is the fact that all of us have a day of birth, even those of you from another planet. So I thought we could all use a little advice on that particular day.

Top Ten Things Not to do When It’s Your Birthday

10 When it’s your birthday, do not tell anyone what you want for a present. If you do, at best, you won’t get what you requested. At worst, you will get all kinds of things that are sort of like what you wanted but not quite. (Yeah, that used Prius doesn’t even look like a Bentley)

9 When it’s your birthday, do not tell anyone you are feeling older. If you do, at best, a well-meaning someone will plop a post on Facebook asking everyone to cheer you up. At worst, you will get all those people who are older than you telling you things like “you only live once, enjoy,” and “When I was your age…”(Thanks, Pops, that really cheered me up)

8 When it’s your birthday, do not request a special dinner even if asked. If you do, at best, the dinner will not resemble what you thought you wanted. At worst, the dinner will be so complex and require so much prep that you will be forever in the debt of the preparer. (and reminded of same periodically)

7 When it is your birthday, do not let anyone at work know, even if you are in a birthday club. If you do, at best, all the cake and potluck will be made of everything forbidden on your restricted diet. At worst, since you have no idea which one of the dishes was prepared in the home of an Ebola sufferer, you will be playing potluck roulette with anything you try. (Just drink your ipecac and quit complaining.)

6 When it’s your birthday, do not accept an invitation to celebrate after work. If you do, at best, you will only be slightly late to your surprise birthday party at home. At worst, you might forget all about a prior commitment and join in the rest of the work crew for way too many birthday shots that could ultimately end with a late-night karaoke sing-off which you will win just before passing out in the restroom. (You’ve looked better in the morning)

5 When it’s your birthday, do not join everyone and sing Happy Birthday to yourself. If you do, at best, the assumption is you had too much punch. At worst, the party goers will come away with the feeling you could have had your own narcissistic party that would have been cheaper for them. (They may be right.)

4 When it’s your birthday, try to look pleased with your in-law’s gift. If you don’t, at best, you might hurt their feelings. At worst, you will be the center of a raging controversy about what it takes to please you with no good result. ( Can you say the center of attention?)

3 When it’s your birthday, do not tell the restaurant this information. If you do, at best, someone will quietly bring a piece of cake and congratulations. At worst, the entire restaurant crew will gather at your table clapping and singing some rendition of Happy Birthday while delivering a cake with a sparkler that gets the attention of the whole room.(Oh joy, your boss is over there.)

2 When it’s your birthday, do not stop at a store just to see what’s new. If you do, at best, you will only look around and realize you don’t need anything. At worst, you will feel as if your birthday somehow suspends any restraint that you have for overspending. The presents you buy yourself will be way too expensive. (and unnecessary.)

1 When it’s your birthday, do not take the occasion to over analyze the significance of the event. If you do, at best, you may miss the fun of the day. At worst, you may be unkind to yourself and in the process discount much of your success. (This took a nasty psychological turn, didn’t it?)

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Think You Will Win a Contest or the Lotto

May 3, 2021May 2, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

This post was originally published on May 4th, 2015. Let’s see if it still has legs.

This list was inspired by reading a story about a person who had a dream that they were a Lotto winner and went out and bought new cars before the drawing.

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Think You Will Win a Contest or the Lotto

10 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not quit your day job until the drawing is over. If you do, at best, your boss won’t take you seriously when you give a reason for resigning. At worst, the Publisher Clearing House Award Team will knock on your door only to discover they have made a mistake, and your neighbor with the barking dog is the actual winner. (Fun stuff, huh?)

9 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not brag to your in-laws before the drawing. If you, at best, they will believe you are a little naive. At worst, your father-in-law will present an IOU for the amount of money he has loaned to your spouse over the years. (The bill will still be due even if you don’t win.)

8 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not sign the papers for that beautiful new house until after the drawing. If you do, at best, you will be the proud owner of two homes and utterly broke. At worst, the Federal government will want to talk about the amount of income you stated on the bank loan forms of twenty million used to approve the loan. (They keep mumbling vaguely about something called bank fraud.)

7 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not tell all your friends before the drawing. If you do at best, they will want the money back for the drinks they bought you. At worst, they will think you won and are avoiding their requests for a loan. (Might want to leave town.)

6 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not put off saving for retirement. If you do, at best, you will need to keep working until you have enough to retire. At worst, you will retire and find out you needed to work more, and no one is hiring. (Especially an old dumb person.)

5 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not put your house up for sale until after the drawing. If you, at best, you will sell it and need to find another. At worst, you will sell your house and find you don’t have enough money to buy a similar value and no way to qualify for a loan. (That five-person tent looks pretty good about now.)

4 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not tell your boss exactly what you think of them before the drawing. If you do, at best, your boss will send you for a mental evaluation, and all will be forgotten. At worst, you will say things you want to retract, but you know a retraction is impossible even as you pack for your new assignment in North Korea. (Don’t forget the down-filled jacket.)

3 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not avoid setting up a college fund. If you do, at best, your kids will be so bright and talented they will win full scholarships to Ivy League schools. At worst, your kids will have to take jobs and loans to get through college and will eventually find their way back to your basement since they can’t afford a house while paying back the loans. (You would think they would offer to do the dishes just once.)

2 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not invest in that oil well with your brother-in-law before the drawing. If you do, at best, you have given your brother-in-law a gift. At worst, you will need the money you gave the brother-in-law to meet your near-term commitments since you figured you were throwing the money away and wouldn’t need it. Now you need it. (Good luck in getting it back.)

1 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not finally buy that expensive gift for your spouse before the drawing. If you do, at best, you will be a hero for the thought. At worst, you will have to return the gift and explain why you bought it in the first place. No matter how the excuse comes out, it will still sound like you have lost your mind. ( It would have been good to winterize the dog house.)