Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Mutiny on the Bounty in 1789

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments
HMS Bounty – 1960 Reconstruction

 

This week marks the 231st anniversary of the mutiny on the Bounty in 1789. We all want to go there to see how close the actual event was to the various movies and books written about it. Of course, you will want to bring this list with you. Hopefully, it will prevent any mistakes that could put a tear in the time continuum. Hop on the time train and let’s go.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Mutiny on the Bounty in 1789.

10 If you are there, do not ask Lieutenant Bligh why he doesn’t have a captain’s rank. If you do, at best, he will be distracted. At worse, you will remind him that he took a significant cut in pay to take command of the Bounty. You see, Luke, Bligh was captain of the Britannia, a merchant’s vessel. He was earning £500 (about $95,000 US today) a year and was only paid £71 (about $12,000 US today) to command the Bounty. He took the assignment since it was better than being assigned to shore which would have meant a 50% pay cut. He also mentioned that you will enjoy meeting his cat with nine tails or something like that)

9 If you are there, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if he would like to take your place in the longboat being launched with Bligh and his loyalists on board. If you do, at best, Tiny will think you are joking. At worst, Tiny, who just declared himself loyal to Fletcher Christian, will want to keep you quiet. (Tiny does not wish for his shipmates to question his loyalty, Logan. I think you are in for a brief flight that will end up with you in the water.)

8 If you are there, do not tell John Fryer, the sailing master, that he reminds you of Jack Sparrow. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, John will want to know who Jack Sparrow is. (if you tell him Jack is a pirate in the movies, Lee you just know this won’t go well.)

7 If you are there, do not laugh out loud when you hear that the cargo is breadfruit trees. If you do, at best the crew will think you are odd. At worst, you will bring to light the folly of the original mission. (The breadfruit trees were to be transported to the West Indies from Tahiti. There they were to be planted, and their fruit used to feed slaves. Right now, a bunch of the crew seems to think you may know something, Landon. You don’t want to lead this mutiny.)

6 If you are there, do not criticize the crew for their handling of Bligh. If you do, at best they will think you a softy. At worst, they will think you are siding with Bligh. (It looks like you are going to join the other 19 in the launch, Louis. I think I would try to talk them out of putting you in there since your presence might be the one too many that will tip the boat in a rough sea. The 19 have it dangerously overloaded as it is.)

5 If you are there, do not argue with the mutineers about weather to head for Tahiti or Pitcairn island to hide out. If you do, at best they will think you are joking. At worst, you will be considered a pain and be given another choice. (You see, Leon it was decided to let those off in Tahiti who wanted to be there and the rest to proceed to try and find Pitcairn island which was discovered in 1765 but never documented as to its exact location. So each man has a choice of where to be. Looks like your third choice is to wear a sounding plummet  (weight) around your neck when you take a walk on water.)

4 If you are there and decide to stay on till Pitcairn island, do not ask any of the 14 Tahitian women kidnapped by Christian can go out on a date with you. If you do, at best, they will think you are drunk. At worst, the 6 Tahitian men and eight mutineers who have a relationship with them may take offense. (Nothing like hitting on the girlfriend of Fletcher Christian Lewis. I hear he is looking for you, and he is carrying two cutlasses. I’ll bet one is for you.)

3 If you are there, do not tell the mutineers what you know about how those on Tahiti turned out. If you do, at best they won’t believe you. At worst, they will think you are an agent of the crown. (You see Leonardo, all 14 of the mutineers were captured and place on the prison ship Pandora. The ship ran aground, and four of the mutineers drowned. The remaining ten were transported bound hand and foot to England for trial. Looks like they want to see you swim to England.)

2 If you are there, also do not tell those on Pitcairn Island how they turned out. If you do, at best, they will think you are telling a fictional story. At worse, they will think you are a sorcerer. (All but two of the mutineers (including Fletcher Christian) were killed. The last two; Young and Adams, took care of the women and 19 children until Young died in 1800 and Adams in 1829. Descendants of the mutineers still live there. You think anyone will believe that, Lamar?)

1 If you are there, do not tell the mutineers how Bligh turned out. If you do, at best no one will care. At worst, they will think you are telling a cruel joke. (Bligh went on to serve as captain of more English ships, and Bligh was promoted to rear-admiral in 1811 and Vice-Admiral in 1814. The good news for the mutineers would be he was not offered further naval appointments after being appointed to Vice-Admiral. Let’s hope the good news allows you to keep your head, Lane.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Boston Marathon in 1897

~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

Top Ten

 

April 19th marks the anniversary of the first Boston Marathon, which was run in 1897. This is an event that we all would like to see. If you decide to jump on the time travel train, please take this list to ensure you don’t put a big ole tear in the time continuum. All aboard.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Boston marathon.

10 If you go, do not think you can sneak into the race and be lost in the thousands of participants. If you do, at best you’ll double think your decision. At worst, you will be noticed immediately by the judges since there are only fifteen participants. (You have a choice Lucian. Pay the entry fee or drop out. That policeman over there is going to make sure you choose one or the other.)

9 If you go, do not try to tell Tiny the WWF champ that the 24.5-mile course he has laid out should be 26.2 miles. If you do, at best, Tiny will ignore you. At worst, Tiny, who just finished his remedial math training, will think he’s made a math error and needs to cover it up. (There was no error, Lucius. The course distance was determined by a committee. It was changed to 26.2 miles in 1908.  This is not going to help you now that Tiny has decided you need to be silenced. I’m sure he will let you out of that barrel once the race is over.)

8 if you go, do not suggest that the race be held on a Sunday. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worse, you’ll make that suggestion in earshot of the Boston Bishop. (Sundays are sacrosanct here in Boston, Lukas. The race was designed to be held on Patriots Day, which commemorates the beginning of the Revolutionary War. If Patriot’s Day fells on a Sunday, then the race was held on Monday. It took until 1969 for Patriot’s Day to be established as the third Monday of April. All this is well and good but too late to prevent you from being declared a heretic.)

7 If you go, do not mention the under the two-hour finish of Kenyan marathoner Eliud Kipchoge in 2019. If you do, at best, folks will think you have been drinking. At worst, you’ll mention it to John Mc Dermott, the winner who finished at 2:55:10. (Now John is wondering where you came from Lionel. Telling him Kipchoge’s time was 1:59:40 won’t stop him from the nose punch that is heading your way. in fact that info might just speed it up.)

6 If you go, do not wear the freebee Gateraid T-shirt that you scored at the Micky Mouse marathon last year. If you do, at best, it is under your sweatshirt. At worst, John Graham, the first Olympic team manager, and Boston Athletic Association member, will want to know all about it. (Now you are in a fine kettle of fish, Luciano. How are you going to explain sponsorships since the first did not start until the 1980s? Better think fast, cause Graham doesn’t look like a guy who suffers fools lightly.)

5 If you go, do not ask about the Red Sox baseball game that usually accompanies a marathon event. If you do, at best, no one will understand what you are talking about. At worst, the organizers will think you are trying to take over the event. (Although it is a tradition for the Boston Red Sox to play a game before each marathon, they didn’t start doing it until 1903. It looks like you have created quite a stink, Leif. Tell em you lost your head there for a moment.)

4 If you go, do not ask about the lack of women participants. If you do, at best you’ll get a “What are you thinking?” look. At worst, the Boston Athletic Association will take you for a sufferage militant. (Those big Policemen over there, Lennon are just waiting for orders to clap you in irons. The first woman did not officially participate in the Boston marathon until 1972. Nina Kuscsik became the first official female participant to win the Boston Marathon in 1972.)

3 If you go, don’t mention running in a costume. If you do at best, you’ll get a laugh or two. At worst, you’ll be banned from the city. (The idea of running in costume did not become popular until Gary Fanelli did it as Elwood Blues, Dan Aykroyd’s character from The Blues Brothers, in 1981. Since he was successful, the idea caught on. Don’t try to tell the marathon organizers this fact, Ludwig. You may end up in a padded room.

2 If you go, do not ask the organizers if they allow bandits. If you do, at best, they will think you are talking about bandannas. At worst, someone will call the sheriff. (You know that bandits are unregistered runners that were tolerated, Lenny. Although not forbidden bandit runners have been discouraged since 2015. I think I would try an exit strategy since that sheriff’s deputy looks like he has no sense of humor at all.

1 If you go, do not wear your Hoka One One Carbon X running shoes and your Lululemon running suit. If you do, at best people will stare. At worst, someone will yell “Alien,” and your day is over. (A cardinal rule is to fit in, Langston. The running gear of the day should look like you are in your underwear and wearing combat boots. Yes, now that is more like it.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Recording of Bill Haley and the Comet’s Rock Around the Clock

~ John W. Howell ~ 70 Comments

On April 12, 1954, Bill Haley and the Comets recorded what became the declaration of independence for the new rock and roll style of music. This is the kind of event that we need to visit. If you go, please take the list with you so that we can witness the recording without causing a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Recording of Bill Haley and the Comet’s Rock Around the Clock.

10 If you go, do not light your bic as if you are at a concert. If you do, at best, someone will point out the no-smoking sign. At worst, since Bic lighters weren’t invented until 1972, you might get a few stares. (Also, Leonard the tradition of holding up candles began at Woodstock in August of 1969. The singer Melanie wrote a song titled “Candles in the Rain,” and while she was singing at Woodstock, the hillsides were filled with people and lit candles. It continued from there.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if you can play Tamborine. If you do, At best, Tiny won’t know the word Tamborine. At worst, Tiny, who flunked out of music school and is now a part-time guard will want to play the Tamborine himself. (Don’t worry, Lucian. That flight of stairs that Tiny is going to toss you down has a landing on the first floor. Maybe you can control your descent somehow.)

8 If you go, do not point out that the group is recording the wrong song. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, the producer will offer to help you out by asking, “How did you get in?” (The song that took so many takes is titled “Thirteen Women.” “Rock Around the Clock was recorded in two takes after Thirteen Women was finished. Oh, you never heard of Thirteen Women. You are not alone, Lucius.)

7 If you go, do not complain that the instrumentals are so loud you can’t hear the vocals. If you do, at best, the producer will send you out for coffee. At worst, since there is only enough studio time left for one more take, the Producer will lose his cool. (I would stay out of the way Lukas. The producer is going to do the vocals over and hope for the best. In fact, he is hoping the guy doing the final mix can save the mess somehow. Yes, he has a knife. I think you’d better be quiet now.)

6 If you go, do not ask who is doing the guitar solo. If you do, at best, you’ll be told it’s handled. At worst, the soloist Danny Cedrone is standing right next to you. (Good thing Danny is a nice guy, Lionel. Since he was only paid $31 to riff perhaps the greatest guitar solo he might have been a little grumpier)

5 If you go, do not mention you saw the movie, Blackboard Jungle, and the tune was playing over the opening credits. If you do, at best the band will think you are drunk. At worst, they will wonder what you are smoking and want some. (Rock around the clock did, in fact, play over the opening credits of Blackboard Jungle in the spring of 1955. The movie starred Glen Ford, who was introduced to the song by his 10-year-old son, Peter. Where was the song, Luciano? On the B side of the record Thirteen Women. That’s where.)

4 If you go, do not ask the Decca engineer what he is doing. If you do, at best he’ll tell you to get lost. At worst, he will find you annoying and call the police. (You see, Leif. It is his job to put the instrumentals and vocals together into something that sounds like Rock Around the Clock. He painstakingly spliced together the two recordings. This was something that was not done in that day and age.)

3 If you go, do not make bets with anyone on how many records Rock Around the Clock will sell. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, everyone will wonder how you know and how you can prove the number. (Okay, Lennon, Rock Around the Clock sold 25 million copies. Now you tell me how you can show that on the day it was recorded. I think you better just hit the backdoor and forget it.)

2 If you go, don’t ask the band why they are late. If you do, at best, the session will start before you are heard. At worst, your question will be like salt in a wound. (The band got delayed because the ferry they were taking from Philadelphia to New York got stuck on a sandbar. I think I would just stop asking questions Ludwig.)

1 If you go, do not tell Bill Haley that he will be performing at a command performance for Queen Elizabeth. If you do, at best he will think you are joking. At worst, he will wonder what scam you are trying to pull. (So, you let slip the fact that Bill Haley and the Comets played at a command performance in November of 1979, Lenny. I think you should tell Bill you were just kidding.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Use of a Catcher’s Mask in a Baseball Game in 1877

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

 

Top Ten things not to do

This week marks the 143rd anniversary of the first use of a catcher’s mask in a baseball game. The game was between Harvard and The Live Oaks, a semi-pro team from Lynn, Massachusetts. James Alexander Tyng stepped on the field wearing a hand made version, and the rest is history. We must go to that game. Just to see the faces of the other players would be worth the price of admission (in this case it is free) Here is a list to take so we don’ do something to alter the course of history.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Wearing of a Catcher’s Mask in a Baseball Game in 1877.

10 If you go, do not turn down an offer of the house-brewed beer. If you do, at best, your host will think you ill. At worst, your host will think you are a temperance agent. (In 1636, John Harvard established the College’s on-campus brewery, Liam. There is nothing that Harvard men won’t do to protect their beer. Better be careful. Here comes the football team.)

9 If you go, do not yell “Kill the Umpire,” if Tiny, the WWF champ, is behind the plate. If you do, at best, you’ll be hidden in the crowd. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped his last four anger management sessions, will see you and halt the game. (You can run, but you can’t hide, Lucas. Yes, like a zombie, Tiny is coming for you.  think what he has in mind is going to hurt.)

8 If you go, do not try singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” If you do, at best, everyone will think you are nuts. At worst, they’ll think you are nuts enough to require treatment. (You see, Levi, the song was not written until 1908 by lyricist Jack Norworth and composer Albert von Tilzer. Your attempt fell on very deaf and concerned ears. Oh, look. I haven’t seen a straight jacket like that in years.)

7 If you go, don’t ask to buy peanuts and Crackerjack. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, the people you ask will think you are from another planet. (Peanuts were first introduced to the ballpark in 1895. Crackerjack was invented in 1896. It appears like singing the song, Leo, your requests for peanuts, and crackerjack have folks concerned. I think it is time to say goodbye.)

6 If you go, do not get up and stretch after the first half of the seventh inning. If you do, at best, folks will think you odd. At worst, management will think you are having some kind of medical emergency and call the police. (The seventh-inning stretch did not become a thing until after President Howard Taft did it in 1910, Lawrence. He was cramped from sitting ad did a stretch. The whole stadium joined in, and the tradition was born. Right now, though, you are heading for the sanitorium if you don’t get moving.)

5 If you go, do not start yelling for the organist to play “charge.” If you do, at best, everyone will move away from you. At worst, you’ll be asked to leave the park. (Believe it or not, Lorenzo, the first organ music was played at Wrigley Field in 1941. The organist was Ray Nelson, who played classical music before the St. Louis Cardinals and Chicago Cubs. Here comes the Chicago Police. not ones to be messed with today.)

4 If you go, do not show up in your Yale sweatshirt. If you do, at best you’ll have a jacket to cover up. At worst, one by one, the Harvard crowd will notice what you are wearing. (I think you have attracted enough attention, Lance. It looks like the whole stadium is about to end up in your lap. I think I would just take off the shirt and throw it to them and run.)

3 If you go, don’t order a hot dog. If you do, at best, folks will ignore you. At worst, the animal rights folks at the game will want you arrested. (The hot dog first made an appearance in 1901 at Yale University and then Harry M. Stevens brought them to sell at New York ball game in 1905. I would not fool with those animal rights folks. Tellem, you just wanted to eat a hot dog, Larry. Heh heh heh)

2 If you go, do not ask anyone what costume the team mascot wears. If you do, at best, the person will just shrug a shoulder. At worst, you will rais enough questions about your background to cause a major ruckus. (The reason is, Leonard, the first costumed mascot, was Mr. Met introduced at the new Shea Stadium in 1964. before that, there were no live consumed mascots. No wonder all those people are lighting torches and carrying pitchforks.)

1 If you go, do not ask for tickets for a luxury suite. If you do, at best the clerk won’t know what you are talking about. At worst, the clerk will think you are pulling a fast one and hit the panic alarm. (The first luxury suites were installed at Palace of the Fans park in Cincinnati in 1902, Larry. It’s no wonder the clerk misunderstood your request. Well, that is all academic since the police are almost here.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sale of Coca Cola in 1886

~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

Top Ten Things not to do

 

This week marks the anniversary of the first time Coca-Cola went on sale at a drugstore in Atlanta in 1886. Its inventor, Dr. John Pemberton, claims it can cure anything from hysteria to the common cold. This is something we have to try. If you go, please take the following list so that you can be safe from the faux pas that could alter history forever.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sale of Coca-Cola in 1886.

10 If you go, do not ask for a big gulp to go. If you do, at best, the server will pretend not to hear you. At worst, the police will be called. (The problem is, Kaiser, the first formula contained cocaine and the cops think you are a drug fiend.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ and soda jerk to add some cherry juice to your glass. If you do, at best, Tiny will let you know he has no cherry juice. At worst, Tiny, who has been sampling the product all morning, so your request triggers unpleasant memories about not telling the truth about chopping down a cherry tree. (You see, Kajatan Tiny has been on a treatment plan, and your request just sent him over the edge. I think if you start running now, you’ll be out of there before he finds his hatchet.)

8 If you go, do not ask for a bottle of Coca Cola. If you do, at best you’ll get a funny look. At worst, Dr. Pemberton will want to talk to you in the back room. (There is a problem, Kala. You see, Coco-cola was a syrup that was combined with soda water. It wasn’t until 1899 that the first bottle was sold. Now Dr. Pemberton want’s to know where you got the idea for a bottle. By the look on his face, I think I would opt for an insanity plea.)

7 If you go, do not think you will amaze the crowd with an exploding mentos trick. If you do, at best you won’t find mentos and a bottle. At worst, you locate a bottle, and since mentos were not invented until 1932, a big ole mint. (You managed to get Coca-cola and mint all over the pharmacy, Kalani. Dr. Pemberton is looking feverously through his desk drawers. I happen to know he keeps a Smith & Wesson .44 caliber revolver in that desk somewhere. I think it is time to say your apologies and hot foot it through the door.)

6 If you go, do not order a Coke. If you do, at best, the clerk won’t understand you. At worst, you’ll be surrounded by steelworkers. (The term Coke referring to Coca-cola was not coined until 1941 in an advertising campaign, Kalen. Therefore the steelworkers are more than happy to take you to the plant and give you a big ole bag of coke. Your super worry now is how to get away from your new best friends. Muldoon wants to buy you a drink.)

5 If you go, do not mention the name Pepsi-cola. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, since Pepsi was not introduced until 1894, Dr. Pemberton is thinking you are having a stroke. (Just lay back and let the good doctor put those leeches on you, Kalin. If you try to get away he’ll know something is up.)

4 If you go, do not let anyone know that the name Coca-cola was not trademarked until 1892. If you do, At best, the people you are talking to have no idea what a trademark is. At worst, you happen to mention it to Asa Griggs Chandler. (So Chandler spent about $2,300, which is worth $67,455 today acquiring the assets of the company and trademarked the name in 1892. You gotta believe, Kalle, he never would have thought the scheme up on his own.)

3 If you go, do not order a “Black cow.” If you do, at best, you’ll be asked to leave. At worst, someone will take you out back where the animals are kept. (You know a “Black cow” is ice-cream and Coke, Kami. Since such a concoction was not developed until later, you could not expect folks to understand you even though the ice cream soda was invented in 1874 in Philadelphia. I hope you are happy with your new milk cow. I’m not sure it will transport back here all that well. Those brown eyes are sure cute, though.)

2 If you go, do not talk about diet Coke. If you do, at best no one will care. At worst, you’ll be overheard by the local distributor and will be asked to meet him outside. ( It looks like he has a number of clients who use cocaine to maintain their weight, Kamron. I would not try to tell him he was mistaken. Afterall you now know who he is and that could get you. a free swimming lesson in cement overshoes.)

1 If you go, do not ask for a second glass of Coca-cola. If you do, at best, the clerk will refuse. At worst, Dr.Pemberton will enroll you in his newly established “Coping Clinic.” (Yes, a fiction writer would make up the story that one of the reasons he formulated the drink the way he did was to provide a funnel to his new sanatarium business. Do not deny you are hooked on his concoction, Kanishka. He’ll just use that as evidence that you are besides even if the story is not true why take a chance?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on The First International Airline Service in 1919

~ John W. Howell ~ 87 Comments

Ten things not to do

 

This week marks the occasion of the first international airline service inaugurated on a weekly schedule between Paris and Brussels. The service was established by Lignes Farman. If you want to be part of this historic occasion, don’t forget to take your list so you can avoid some of the pitfalls of time travel.

10 If you take a flight, do not think you can get first-class treatment. If you do, at best you’ll be lucky to get a seat. At worse, you’ll be freezing and caught in many cross drafts. (You see, Knox the first plane used was a Farman F60 Goliath which was built as a bomber. Your seat is wicker and, you should have read the instructions about dressing warmly. Yeah, that’s your breath you see in the unheated cabin.)

9 If you take a flight, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ and your steward today for anything. If you do, at best, he will tell you to sit down and buckle your belt. At worst, he just found out he is being replaced by a female. (It looks like Tiny is going to show you how it feels to skydive, Kade. Don’t forget to ask to borrow Tiny’s parachute. It’s worth a try.)

8 If you take a flight, do not ask “are we there yet.” if you do, at best, no one will answer you. At worst, the pilot will walk back and explain the realities of air travel in 1919. (The next question is “Who is flying this thing,” Kenan. With the pilot standing there giving you arrival information, you may wonder. Breathe easy buckaroo the first autopilot was invented in 1914 by the Sperry Corporation. Of course, we don’t know if this plane has one.)

7 If you take the flight, do not forget to exchange your money for the fare of 365 francs. If you do, at best you won’t get on the plane. At worst, since this amount is about $50 dollars in 1919, you may get charged 365 dollars instead. (You should have known there wouldn’t be a money exchange at a 1919 airport, Kaapo. All they want is 365 of anything. The fact that the $50.00 value in 1919 is $679 today should give you an incentive to exchange to francs.)

6 If you take the flight, don’t ask about the customs declaration process. If you do, at best you’ll get a funny look. At worst, someone will think you are a member of the treasury department. (Since customs for international flights were not established for the first two flights, Kadar, whoever you asked, is now opening the cabin door. I think I would worry since the plane hasn’t landed yet.)

5 If you take the flight, do not expect meal service. If you do at best you’ll be hungry when you land. At worst, since the plane has lightly structured wings, it is susceptible to turbulence. (Can you just see it, Kaelan, you’ve just wolfed down a baguet with Fois Gras, and you hit an air pocket.? You and your Fois Gras will be reunited after a 500 foot fall. Hot meals were started in 1936 and sandwiches in October of 1919.)

4 If you take the flight, do not let the crew talk you into a high altitude record. If you do at best, you may get to 20,000 feet which was done in a Farman F60 later in the year. At worst, no one understood that the oxygen starts to thin at 10,000 feet. (So here you are, Kaemon, having all kinds of fun setting a record and meanwhile, your pilot passes out from the lack of oxygen. Yes that screaming you hear is you.)

3 If you take the flight and are a white knuckle flyer, do not grab the back of the seat in front of you. If you do, at best it is well bolted to the floor. At worst, the seat comes loose and you now have the passenger in front of you in your lap. (Don’t worry Kaga. The flight is two hours and fifty-five minutes. Plenty of time to make friends.)

2 If you take the flight, do not grab any of the control wires running through the cabin. If you do at best it is not important. At worst, you’ll grab the main control cable just as the pilot needs it. (Now the left full rudder has bee stopped, Kai. Y’all are headed for a very big mountain. I would suggest letting go of that cable very slowly so the pilot can maintain control.)

1 If you take the flight, do not say anything derogatory about the airplane. If you do, at best no one will hear you. At worst, you’ll be sitting next to Lignes Farman the builder. (You are now invited to go outside and settle the matter like gentlemen, Kaila. Too bad you are still 6000 feet in the air.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do as the First Ford Mustang Rolls Off the Assembly Line in 1964

~ John W. Howell ~ 58 Comments

 

Top Ten Things not to do

March 9th  marks the 56th anniversary of the beginning of the production of the Ford Mustang. Since most of you were not around or were too little to remember. I thought it would be fun to go back to see the first roll down the line. As usual, we need to take a list to help us stay away from making any time continuum slip. By the way, I remember the event well. (tsk, tsk)

Top Ten Things Not to do as the Frist Mustang Rolls Down the Production Line in 1964.

10 If you are there, do not start singing the song “Mustang Sally.” If you do, at best, no one will listen. At worst, people will wonder where the song came from. (Since the song was recorded and released first by Mack Rice in 1965, you are getting suspicious looks from those security guards, Keagan. Maybe it is time to hum a Buddy Holly tune.)

9 If you are there, do not try to get around Tiny the WWF champ to touch a newly built car. If you do, at best, Tiny will turn you back. At worst Tiny, who has skipped his Zoloft medication for two weeks, will think you are going to harm a car. (Funny thing about having your legs behind your ears, Keene. It takes a while to get them untangled again. Here have an aspirin. It’ll help with the swelling.)

8 If you are there, do not ask if the Mustang comes with a stereo radio. If you do, at best whoever you ask doesn’t know what a stereo radio is. At worst, you will ask an engineer who has been working on the project. (Now you’ve done it, Kenner. That guy has been sworn to secrecy on the stereo project, and you wander in, and ask the question. Since the first stereo wasn’t introduced into the auto market until 1969, that guy is pointing you out to those two big security guys. I think he wants you silenced.)

7 If you were there, do not offer to drive one of the cars to the staging area. If you do, at best, you’ll get a polite, “no.” At worst, you’ll ask a union member who will want to see your union card. (Since you could not produce one, the member assumes you are management and has declared a walkout. You are personally responsible for the line stopping, Kennan. Lee Iacocca is looking for you.)

6 If you are there, do not wear your Corvette sweatshirt.  If you do, at best, you’ll keep it covered. At worst, someone will notice and call security. (You have been taken for a Chevy spy, Kristof. You know what they do to spies, don’t you? I think I would exit right about now if I were you.)

5 If you are there, do not say out loud that you believe the word Ford is an acronym for Fix Or Repair Daily. If you do, at best, the factory noise will drown you out. At worst several workers will hear you. (Looks like a few guys with big wrenches and muscles are headed your way, Konrad. That hardhat won’t help.)

4 If you are there, do not pick up one of the mustang insignia, thinking you could take a souvenir. If you do, at best, the foreman will tell you to get behind the yellow line. At worst, the foreman will take more extreme measures. (I don’t think he is joking about putting that in insignia back in the bucket, Keelan. That baton looks pretty hard.)

3 If you are there, do not try to touch a car to see if the paint is wet. If you do, at best, no one will observe you, and you’ll rethink it. At worst, the painter will see you coming and help you out with wet paint. (According to the paint instructions, Kristofer, you will be wearing that British Racing Green color for ten years. I think it looks pretty good.)

2 If you are there, do not get in the way of the camera crew filming the first car off the assembly line. If you do, at best the filming will stop until you get out of the way. At worst, the filming will continue with you in it. (There are two options, Kienan. 1. You join the Screens Actors Guild. 2. You reimburse the film crew for the reshoot. Let’s see that will be about $20,000 or $166,432.90 in 2020 value.)

1 If you are there, do not ask a question at the press conference. If you do, at best you won’t give your time travel away. At worst, you’ll ask something really dumb. (The question about the relationship with Carroll Shelby and the Mustang Cobra was about three years too early, Kali. That paper you’ve been handed is a summons to appear in court to answer copyright infringement charges.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Monopoly Game in 1933

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do

This week marks the 87th anniversary of the invention of the board game Monopoly. The Game was developed based on a 1904 patent by Lizzy Magie for a game called The Landlord’s Game. This game was played one evening in 1932 Charles Todd, and his wife hosted Esther Jones and her husband Charles Darrow for dinner. After dinner, the couples played The Landlord’s Game. After that night, Darrow went on to distribute the game himself as Monopoly. Parker Brothers bought the copyrights from Darrow, and the game was distributed throughout the US and eventually the world.

It would be fun to go to that first game. Of course, itis imperative that we take a list of things not to do so that we don’t inadvertently cause a problem in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Monopoly Game in 1933.

10 In the first game, do not try to convince everyone that Free Parking should have a payoff. If you do, at best, someone will remind you of the real rules. At worst, you will convince them to put all the fines in the middle to be collected by whoever lands on free parking. (Why is that so bad, Kirk? Since you have landed on free parking six times, you tell me. I think your fellow players want to see you outside.)

9 In the first game, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if he wants to trade his Boardwalk for your Baltic Avenue. If you do, at best, Tiny will think you are joking. At worst, Tiny has not attended his “scammed victims” support group for two sessions. (You see, Keanu, Tiny was scammed out of some stock and lost his life savings. He is in no mood to have that feeling repeated in a game. Yes, you are feeling the pressure of Tiny’s hands on your head. I would say, “Just kidding,” as soon as you can speak. Maybe you need to find a pencil and paper to write it out.)

8 In the first game, if you are the banker, do not forget to pay $200 when a person passes “Go.” If you do, at best, the person will remind you. At worst, the person thinks you are trying to cheat them out of their pay. (Now we have a situation, Keenan. Of course, you didn’t try to trick them on purpose, but it is tough to explain that $200 up your sleeve. Maybe a real $5 bill will help soothe feelings.)

7 In the first game, do not try to figure out whether it is cheaper to pay the income tax of $200 or 10% of your holdings. If you do, at best, you are playing with folks who have the patience of Job. At worst, you are performing with a pack of impatient twenty-somethings. (By the time you figure out your move, Kipp, all the rest of the players have moved on to playing ragtime records and drinking bathtub gin.)

6 In the first game, do not buy everything you land on with no rhyme or reason. If you do, at best, you’ll go broke. At worst, you have prevented anyone else from getting a monopoly, and the game will grind on for weeks. (No, you can’t have food and water, Koby. This was your fault, and you are lucky your game participants let you visit the facilities. Oh, wait, they are discussing that subject again.)

5 In the first game, do not insist on using your favorite token. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, that big guy across from you is not interested in giving up the car. (I think I would go ahead and use the iron, Kane. After all, the better part of valor is letting go. The worst part of valor is getting punched in the face.)

4 In the first game, do not laugh fiendishly when an opponent lands on Boardwalk, which you own along with a hotel. If you do, at best, they have the money to pay up. At worst, they don’t have the money and no desire to negotiate. (See there, Kiran. Your fiendish laugh, along with you wringing your hands, has caused your opponent to quit. You could have taken payment in properties by nooooo. Now the game is over.)

3 In the first game, do not think rolling doubles three times won’t land you in jail. If you do, at best, your fellow players will call you on the rules. At worst, your opponents will think you are trying to get away with something and will watch your every move from here on out. (Trying to sneak that Get Out of Jail Free card from the deck will end in disaster, Killian. You may even land in a real jail.)

2 In the first game, do not try to miscount the dice roll, especially if you are going to land on “Go to Jail.” if you do, at best, everyone will be talking and missed the fact. At worst, the guy with the most amount of money has called you out. (What are you going to do now, Karim? You’ve been caught, and by the looks of the guy, he has a less than zero sense of humor.

1 In the first game, do not throw the dice before your opponent has finished their move. If you do, at best, your apology will be accepted. At worst, Earth Quake Muldoon (Your opponent) has decided that you were doing that to rattle him. (I hope you can finish the game from that position, Kellan. I know it will be difficult trying to roll the dice with your feet. That’s gotta hurt right?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Issue of the First Telephone Book in 1878

~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

New Haven Phone Directory

 

This week marks the anniversary of the world’s first telephone directory issued by the New Haven Connecticut Telephone Company containing the names of its 50 subscribers. Most of us are always interested in the release of a new book. This one is only one page but is the first of its kind, so we should go and see what it is all about. As usual, we need to take a list of things not to do to avoid the dreaded time continuum tear.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Issue of the First Telephone Book in 1878 by John W. Howell © 2020

10 If you are there, do not ask about a ‘do not call’ list. If you do, at best, folks will wonder what you mean. At worst, the publisher of the book will call you a radical communist. (After all, Kevin. Who doesn’t want to be called by their friends and neighbors? I think those guys with brass knuckles wish to talk with you.)

9 If you are there, do not try to take a second copy from Tiny, the WWF champ, who is also the distribution manager. If you do, at best, Tiny will gently remind you only one copy per customer. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped three anger management sessions and also his morning coffee, will demonstrate the law of gravity, and his ability to toss a 180-pound weight ten feet into the air. Yes, Kennith, you are about to go airborne.)

8 If you are there, do not describe the mayor out loud as having “More chins than the New Haven directory.” If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, the Chin brothers want to talk to you. (Now you’ve done it, Khalil. The brothers think your comparison cast them in a bad light since they are not listed. It looks like a duel at sunrise is the only solution.)

7 If you are there, do not ask how you can get an anonymous listing. If you do, at best, the crowd will merely wonder about your point. At worst, the idea will spread, and the phonebook will be dead before it begins. (The phone company management wants to see you in private, Kurt. I don’t think they are going to offer you a bonus for your brilliant idea.)

6 If you are there, do not ask why there are no numbers and just names. If you do, at best, your question will demonstrate your lack of knowledge about how the phone works. (there are no direct dialing methods, Kenny. You pick up the phone and ask for a person by name. This will be explained to you in the basement of the phone company office. Oh yes, there will be a water board to help you remember where you came from.)

5 If you are there, do not try to spend more than three minutes on a single call. If you do, at best, you will be gently reminded of the rules. At worst, the phone police will suspend your call privileges. (It appears that you missed the provisions of the phone company, Kareem. Customers are limited to three minutes per call, and no more than two calls an hour without permission from the central office. It looks like Geraldine is in charge. Good luck in getting your privilege back.)

4 If you are there, do not begin talking without the company’s proscribed greeting of ‘hulloa.’ If you do, at best, no one else will be on the line. At worst, there will be others on the line, and everyone will be talking at once. (Nice going, Karl. You have now created the first mob scene in telecommunications history. Also saying ‘y’all shut up” hasn’t helped.)

3 If you are there, do not think your phone is missing a part. If you do, at best, someone will explain that the talk and listen function is in one piece. At worst, you’ll be ignored, and you will miss half of the conversation. (You are supposed to say ‘That is all,” when you are finished, Klaus. You then switch the receiver quickly to your ear to listen. There is a big guy heading your way to take that instrument away from you. Let him have it.)

2 If you are there, do not say anything you don’t want fifty people to hear. If you do, at best, what you say is insignificant. At worst, calling the doctor and talking about what is bothering you will be around town in three minutes. (Yeah, Kiefer. Everyone is avoiding you. They are wondering about that rash you described to Doctor Thompson. Maybe you could have used a code word for ‘down there.’)

1 If you are there, do not try to place a collect call. If you do, at best, the operator will laugh. At worst, the police will be notified since you have not paid your subscription fee. ( The price is $22 a year, Kurtis, and there is no such thing as a payphone. I think you have disrupted not only the phone company but time as well.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Day Prohibition Goes Into Effect in 1920

~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

Top Ten Things not to do

 

This week marks the anniversary of the ratification of the 18th amendment prohibiting the sale or consumption of alcohol in 1920. For most of us, this might not be a trip we want to make, but for historical reasons, we should. Take this list with you so that problems are kept to a minimum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Day Prohibition Goes into Effect in 1920.

10 On that day, do not ask your server for a before-dinner martini.  If you do, at best, they may remind you that alcohol is no longer allowed. At worst, you’ll get some variation of bathtub gin. (Along with the homemade gin, Jago, you’ll also get a visit from some guys that look like Elliot Ness. Yes, those are handcuffs. Enjoy your martini.)

9 On that day, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if he can find you a pint of whiskey to ward off the cold. If you do, at best, Tiny will bring you some cough syrup. At worst, Tiny just finished the lawman’s course on the ramifications of the 18th amendment. (You are in luck, Jahmar. Tiny has decided not to arrest you but rather to give you his famous helicopter overhead spin and body slam. It is guaranteed to make you incapable of drinking anything, let alone illegal booze.)

8 On that day, do not knock on the green door. If you do, at best it will be a flower shop. At worst, it is a speakeasy run by Bugsy Malone. (So you don’t know the password, Jai. Just tell em Joe sent you. Hmmm, wrong Joe? Yes, that is a gun. I think it is time to leave now.)

7 On that day, do not ask a prohibitionist for a sip of Old Dr. Kaufmann’s Great Sulphur Bitters. If you do, at best, they will refuse. At worst, they’ll gladly give you a jolt. (Don’t be surprised if you feel funny, Jairo. That Elixer was made especially for prohibitionists and contains 22 percent alcohol. How do you suppose they continue to appear happy?)

6 On that day, do not discuss the Mayflower Pilgrim’s drinking habits with a prohibitionist. If you do, at best they will not know anything about the subject. At worst, the prohibitionist will think you are mocking the movement. (The Pilgrims brought more beer than water on their voyage to Plymouth rock in 1620, Jajaun. So you can see that since they were drinkers the prohibitionist might take offense.)

5 On the day, do not bring up the fact with prohibitionists that the participants in the Boston Tea party had fueled up with rum before the event. If you do, at best you’ll get polite smiles. At worst, you will have to sit through another lecture on the evils of demon rum. ( You see, Jakub. The prohibitionist will point to the rowdy nature of the Boston Tea party as the perfect example of the rightness of banning alcohol. Also, they are asking you to leave.)

4 On the day, do not bring up Benjamin Franklin’s ditty about drinking. If you do, at best they will think you are kidding. At worst, you might be engaged in a fistfight. (so here is the ditty, Jalil. That virtue and safety’s in wine-bibbing found. While all that drink water deserve to be drowned. No wonder they got so mad. So next time, understand what you are bringing up. Here take this steak and put it on your eye.)

3 On the day, do not talk with a guy named Capone about driving a boat. If you do, at best he’ll want to waterski. At worst, he’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse. (How does it feel, Jameson. You. are now running hooch between Winsor Canada and Detroit. Sure, you want to quit. Turning in your two-week notice might get you a new pair of cement overshoes.)

2 On the day, do not start a joke by “a guy walks into a bar.” If you do, at best, the person will walk away. At worst, you’ll be telling the joke to Carrie Nation. (To say Carrie has no sense of humor about drinking jokes is to say a lion has no interest in meat. You’ll find the head of the Woman’s Christian Temperance Union has about the same reaction to people telling drinking jokes as a lion to a gazelle. I know you think she missed you with that hatchet, Jamin. Just try to shake your head.)

1 On the day, do not grab your guitar and start singing “Whiskey River Don’t Run Dry.” If you do, at best, the room will empty. At worst, you and your guitar will hit the street. (Sad thing, Jamon your guitar hit the road first and you on top. I think that last note it made as you landed on it was an A-flat.)