Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Battle of New Orleans in 1815

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments
By Edward Percy Moran – Library of Congress

 

On January 8th, 1815 A rag-tag army under Andrew Jackson defeats the British on the fields of Chalmette in the Battle of New Orleans. Since this piece of history is fascinating you may want to go and observe. If you do, take this list with you and maybe you can avoid and trouble time travel-wise.

10 If you go, do not ask anyone if they have heard the song, Battle of New Orleans by Johnny Horton. If you do, at best no one can understand you. At worst, someone will ask you to sing it. (When you get to the part about using a gator as a cannon, Jackie you might want to explain you were just kidding.)

9 If you go, do not ignore a command from Tiny the WWF champ to help build an earthen barrier that will be used to protect the Americans from the British. If you do, at best Tiny will become preoccupied with something shiny. At worst, since Tiny has missed his last four anger management sessions he forgot about snapping the band around his wrist. ( He is now snapping your bones, Jacobe. Don’t worry usually two snaps of the band calms him down. You might want to yell, “wrist band.” If couldn’t hurt.)

8 If you go, do not wear your favorite red sweater. If you do, at best all the sharpshooters know a sweater when they see one. At worst, your sweater will be mistaken for a British uniform. (The outcome of this is not good, Jacobus. There are no less than 2500 angry shooters from Kentucky anxious for practice. I think I would take it off. DUH.)

7 If you go, do not turn your nose up at spicy cajun food. If you do, at best you can find something else to eat. At worst, you will be left on your own for food. (There is no organic store here, Jacorey. Just suck it up and eat the beans and rice. Besides, the spice will keep down dysentery.)

6 If you go, do not expect a Kentucky militiaman to loan you a rifle. If you do, at best you might be able to borrow a knife. At worst, since many of the militiamen did not bring there own weapons, there is a short supply. (You just might have to fill a gator’s mouth with cannonballs and powder his behind, Jacque. In fact, Andrew Jackson said, “I don’t understand these guys not bringing their guns. I have never seen a Kentuckian without a gun, a pack of cards, and a bottle of whiskey in my life.”)

5 If you go, do not try to convince everyone that the Treaty of Ghent, which was signed by the British and Americans on December 24, 1814, made the battle unnecessary. If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, General Jackson will order you to go tell the British to stop advancing on New Orleans.  (You are in a fine kettle of fish, Jacques. Unknown to you the British forces have orders to attack in spite of the treaty being signed. So how’s it feel to be in the middle. Yes, those are bullets from both sides.)

4 If you go, do not ask Jean Laffite how his British friends are doing. If you do, at best, Jean will think you are joking. At worst, since he is double-crossing the British, he may take offense. (Jean agreed to help the British and is now helping the Americans, Jacy. So he is not very happy with you for pointing out his relationship with the British. When Jean says to walk the plank, he is not talking about the deck of the ship. Good luck, treading water.)

3 If you go, do not tell the British where their misplaced ladders are located. If you do, at best, it won’t help them. At worst, they will be able to scale the rampart Jackson built to keep the British out of New Orleans. (Old hickory is sure mad at you, Jadon. He had the 1500 yard rampart built to repel the British who lost the ladders needed to do it. I would tell the British you were kidding and don’t know where the ladders are being kept before you alter the outcome of the battle or Jackson has you shot.).

2 If you go, do not question the decision to put New Orleans under martial law. If you do, at best, Jackson won’t hear about it. At worst, General Jackson will personally let you know to mind your own business. (Andrew Jackson felt strongly that without martial law, the city could not be controlled. Yes, your writ of Habeas Corpus has been suspended, Jae. Good luck in solitary on bread and water.)

1 If you go, do not ask for a glass of bourbon on bourbon street. If you do, at best you’ll get some funny looks. At worst, those you ask will know you are not from around here. (French engineer Adrien de Pauger laid out the streets of New Orleans in 1721 and chose one to carry the name of the French royal family ruling at the time, Rue Bourbon, Jafar. It is not named for the drink which wasn’t called Bourbon until the 1850s.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Wrapping Presents – Redo

~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

Gift wrapping no nos

This post was published in December of 2017. Since history does not lend itself to humor this week, I thought you might enjoy a revisit or a visit for those who missed it.

I always enjoy wrapping presents. I pretty much avoid the “store gift wrap” in favor of the messes I create. I think putting oneself into the process is a way you can show the recipients of the gift that you really care. The inspiration for this post is every year of doing my own. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are gift wrapping, don’t think it’s the thought that counts. If you do, at best, your wrapping will look like you didn’t think at all. At worst, your package will be mistaken for trash and never opened in the first place. (No wonder you didn’t get a thank you, Cassidy.)

9 If you are gift wrapping, do not try to use a fake box with Tiny, the WWF champ who just enrolled in a court-ordered intensive course on how to handle disappointment. If you do at best, you won’t be in the room when Tiny open,s the Tiffany box to find a screwdriver. At worst, although Tiny will do his best to control himself, it may be more than one can expect. (You have been thinking of removing that dining room wall anyway right, Crane?)

8 If you are gift wrapping, do not use seasonally inappropriate paper. If you do, at best, others will think you mentally unstable. At worst, friends and family will gather and determine what to do with you now that you have lost track of time. (Okay, so you wanted to save a few bucks on paper, but Easter wrap was not the way to go, Clive.)

7 If you are gift wrapping, do not forget the nametags. If you do, at best, you’ll remember each gift and who it goes to just by the wrapping. At worst, Uncle Phil will wonder what you are trying to say with the Lady Schick electric razor gift. (You thought for sure that red box was a bottle of bourbon, Cal. I wonder what aunt Helen thinks of it.)

6 If you are gift wrapping, do not forget to measure twice before cutting once. If you do, at best, there is a smaller box that can be wrapped with your mistakes. At worst, you have another trip to the wrapping store to get additional supplies. (Too bad they are all out of Christmas wrap, huh, Cameron? They have plenty of Easter wrap, though.)

5 If you are gift wrapping, do not use the same paper for all the gifts. If you do, someone will recognize it as last year’s $0.99 Target sale item. At worst, your display under the tree will look like the packages were done by Mrs. Jones first grade class. (Why is everyone asking if these gifts are meant for a Toys for Tots donation, Carling?)

4 If you are gift wrapping, do not throw away the return receipts. If you do, at best all your gifts will be perfect. At worst, those gifts that were a little off the mark will show up next year. (You could have sworn you gave this scarf to your cousin last year, huh, Carmichael?)

3 If you are gift wrapping, do not think more scotch tape will solve sloppy wrapping. If you do, at best, your recipients will have a scissor handy to cut through. At worst, you’ll get calls about paper cuts and tape in kid’s hair. (Maybe taking more time would have been a good idea, Carver.)

2 If you are gift wrapping, do not try to create what you are not qualified to design. If you do, at best yours will be the last one opened. At worst, your package will end up looking like a bizarre thing that should soak in water before being disarmed. (Gotta wonder why your brother-in-law called the bomb squad. That grenade on top was a dummy right, Caster?)

1 If you are gift wrapping, do not think a bunch of sparkling confetti in the box will be well received. If you do, at best, the recipient will be kind and not shoot you. At worst, the gift is opened on the new white living room carpet. (You just know that stuff will be there until next year, don’t you, Chadwick?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Text Message Sent in 1992

~ John W. Howell ~ 67 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

This week on December 3rd marks the 28th anniversary of the first text message sent in 1992. A test engineer for Sema Group sent the world’s first text message, using a personal computer and the Vodafone network. Engineer Neil Papworth sent the first SMS on December 3rd, 1992, when he wrote “Merry Christmas” on a computer and sent it to the cellphone of Vodafone director Richard Jarvis. Since this event has changed the way we communicate, it might be helpful to time travel and visit the scene. I have developed a list so that we don’t make any mistakes that could put a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Text Message Sent in 1992

10 If you are there, do not suggest to the engineer that a smiley face at the end of his message might be well received. If you do, at best, he will thank you but send the message without it. At worst, he will stop the message and try to figure out how to make a smiley face on the keyboard. (Well done, Jussi. You slowed the progress of the SMS world. Although the smiley face has been around since 1963, it took the engineer two weeks to figure out: :-). He also had a nervous breakdown.)

9 If you are there, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ and head of security to check his cell phone for messages. If you do, at best, Tiny will not understand you. At worst, Tiny, who missed his personal development support group meeting, will feel left out since he has no messages. (The problem is, Justice, when Tiny feels left out, he wants to hug someone tightly. It looks like you are the one. Yes, that might be the sound of bones breaking that you are hearing.)

8 If you are there, do not suggest to the engineer a number of shortcuts to messaging communication. If you do, at best, he will be too busy to pay attention to you. At worst, your netspeak suggestions will give him a migraine. (It appears the engineer had to go home, Justyn. Your LMAO, ROTFL, OMG, and BFF sent him over the edge. He can’t imagine that his idea will end up in such a way.)

7 If you are there, do not suggest to the engineer that he might be better understood if he uses all caps in his message. If you do, at best, the engineer knows better. At worst, he will send a message that looks like he is yelling. (A funny thing about yelling at a director, Jacob is they usually don’t like it. It looks like the engineer wants to talk with you. If you ask me he has a bizarre look in his eye.)

6 If you are there, do not try to explain hashtags. If you do, at best, the engineer will fall asleep. At worst, the engineer will keep asking, “Why.” (You will never get to the bottom of the “Whys,” Joseph. And really #whynot will not work.)

5 If you are there, do not try to convince the engineer that life would be easier if he did group texts. If you do, at best, the engineer will wait before he sends his first group text. At worst, the engineer will send out a group text to the wrong group. (Well, Justin. It looks like you need to help the engineer explain to the group of senior citizens what he meant by “Let’s get naked, which was intended for his nudist friends.)

4 If you are there, do not suggest to the engineer that he should invent something that will autocorrect misspellings in texts. If you do, at best, he’ll do a better job. At worst, the engineer writes a special program that has the effect of turning all four-letter words into NSFW messages. (Wow, Josiah. You are solely responsible for the engineer having to go into a witness protection program.)

3 If you are there, do not show the engineer how easy it might be to take a picture of your dinner and send it to all his friends.  If you do, at best, the engineer will think it foolish. At worst, the engineer will like the concept and begin texting pictures of his math calculations. (The engineer’s boss finally laid down the law, Jeremiah. The engineer has been banned from texting period. You must be proud.)

2 If you are there, do not warn the engineer that sometimes people will send the wrong text to the wrong person. If you do, at best, the engineer is a pragmatist and will accept the idea as natural. At worst, the engineer is a Type A obsessive-compulsive and will want to build a program to prevent such a mistake. (Congratulations, Julian. You are solely responsible for a ten-step verification protocol ensuring that the sender has indeed checked to see the message is going to the intended receiver. Also, you have personally killed the text message vehicle of communication.)

1 If you are there, do not ask to use the engineer’s computer to ask his assistant for a date. If you do, at best, he’ll not let you. At worst, he will allow you to use the computer and the assistant turned you into the police as a stalker. (You see, Jared. Such important messages should be done in person and not from behind a computer screen. Don’t worry many have made the same mistake. They were not the first, however.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the George Washington Proclamation of Thanksgiving in 1789

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

George Washington

George Washington proclaimed November 25th as a day of Thanksgiving in honor of the new constitution. This day has been used to eventually set Thanksgiving as the last Thursday in November. Although the first Thanksgiving might have been held with the pilgrims and native Americans much earlier, it was George who really established the date. As a side note of interest, it wasn’t until 1863 that a national day of thanksgiving was held. I’m sure you would like to go to George’s house and help him and Martha celebrate the day. Here is a list of things not to do so that we can keep history intact.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the George Washington Proclamation of Thanksgiving in 1789.

10 If you go to George’s place, do not bring a box of Stove Top stuffing as your contribution to the dinner. If you do, at best, no one will know what it is. At worst, someone may feed it to the horses. (Now you have a problem, Josephe. George wants to know who brought the stuff that gave his horses the colic)

9 If you go to George’s place, do not hand Tiny the WWF champ a dollar for holding the door for you. If you do, at best, Tiny will need the money. At worst, Tiny just left his self-esteem discussion group and believes he is a close friend of George Washington. (So now you have made Tiny feel like the help, Josue. Don’t worry that step over toe hold never works to take off the toe. Of course, there is always the first time.)

8 If you go to George’s place, do not suggest a game of monopoly after dinner. If you do, at best you’ll get some stares. At worst, George will think it a fun idea. (Now you have to construct the whole game out of paper and a quill pen, Jourdan. Good luck making the tokens.)

7 If you go to George’s place, do not bring up politics as a dinner discussion item. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, you’ll pick a fight with Aaron Burr. (The instructions are correct, Jovan. You walk 25 paces, turn and fire. Yes, I think Aaron has done this before.)

6 If you go to George’s place, do not tell George the turkey is tough when he asks. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, he’ll hand you a musket. (He is politely suggesting you go out and shoot your own turkey, Jozsef. Maybe next time you’ll just say it is excellent.)

5 If you go to George’s place, do not suggest to Martha that the sweet potatoes would be better with marshmallow bits. If you do, at best, Martha will be too busy to hear you. At worst, Martha will think your suggestion is a good one and hand you a ten-pound bag of sweet potatoes. (Well now you are in a pickle, Judd. You need to figure out how to do sweet potatoes and make marshmallow bits.)

4 If you go to George’s house, do not ask for Jellied cranberry sauce. If you do, at best, you have created a discussion topic. At worst, the chef just reached the end of his rope. (Seems there have been several menu changes, Julito. Yours is the straw that broke the camel’s back. That knife looks pretty big from here. I think a good before dinner run is in order.)

3 If you go to George’s house, do not decide to give a toast to the new constitution. If you do, at best, there will be too many in line before you. At worst, George will ask you about one of the articles. (So as a product of public education, Jullien, have you ever read the constitution, let alone know what is in the section? I thought not. Just say you need the outhouse and be gone.)

2 If you go to George’s house, do not stare at George’s teeth. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are looking at something else. At worst, he will catch on. (So now that you have made your host uncomfortable, Junien. I think you better cut your losses by saying something like, “Are those mahoganies?” Or I guess you could say you were looking at his nose. Either way, I hope you have a horse standing by.)

1 If you go to George’s house, do not ask if you can try on a powdered wig. If you do, at best, you’ll be told no. At worst, someone will plop a wig on your head. (Lucky you, Jurgen. You are now wearing the lice and bedbug infected wig that remained after the last redcoat left Washington. Maybe setting your hair on fire will save you. In any case, you have got to find some alcohol fast.)

Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text

~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

Top Ten Things not to do

 

Since the historical picture looks a little light on humor, I decided I would make a top ten list that I have wanted to do for a while. I hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text

by John W. Howell ©2019

10 If you are texting, do not say, “Will you marry me?” If you do, at best, your intended’s battery has failed. At worst, your reply with being a short and sweet “Kiss off.” (You see, Jayyed, the idea of marriage is a serious thing. Your casual approach does not instill confidence that you would make a right partner.)

9 If you are texting, do not say “yes” to Tiny the WWF champ when he wants to buy you a couple of rounds. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t be able to find you. At worst, when you meet Tiny at the gym, you suddenly understand that he wasn’t talking about drinks. (Well, here you are, Jedd. I think I would lay back during the rounds and try not to break any bones.)

8 If you are texting, do not tell someone that a family member has passed. If you do, at best, your battery will die. At worst, the news will not be taken well. (So now you are responsible for another mental break down, Jedidiah. It’s no wonder they are not speaking to you anymore.)

7 If you are texting, do not tell someone you are breaking up with them. If you do, at best, they didn’t like you anyway. At worst, you now have a life long enemy. (Way to go, Jennis. This could have gone so much better face to face. How did that boiling bunny get on your stove anyway?)

6 If you are texting, do not answer the text and photo that asks, “How do I look in this.” If you do, at best, you’ll say “great.” At worst, you’ll try and be helpful. (Admitting that hat looked ridiculous has just earned you a cold night in the dog house, Jensen. You see, that was the favorite  pick.)

5 If you are testing, do not send an “I’m mad at you” text. If you do, at best, the recipient will turn off their phone. At worst, the recipient will become very defensive. (So how are you going to patch this up, Jeremias? You weren’t all that angry in the first place, and now you have WWIII on your hands.)

4 If you are texting, do not ask the question, “What do you like about me?” If you do, at best, the response will be something you like. At worst, the answer will be something like, “You have a great personality.” (What did you expect, Jerett? This is not the kind of question to put in a text. You are lucky you didn’t get a compliment on your deodorant.)

3 If you are testing, do not send a text asking where the relationship is going. If you do, at best, the recipient will call you. At worst, you might get a reply like, “To Milwaukee.” (Well, I guess you could have predicted that response, Jerico. What did you want the person to say in a text message? HUH? Dope.)

2 If you are texting, do not send a message with the words “I love you” for the very first time. If you do, at best, the recipient will think you are drunk. At worst, the recipient will get the idea you cannot face commitment in person. (That was a lousy idea, Jerren. Let’s hope an in-person statement will undo the damage. You are a bit of a clod, though.)

1 If you are testing, don’t send a message that has drama around it like, “Where were you last night?”. If you do, at best, the recipient will delete it. At worst, you’ll get a response that you won’t like. ( “I was out with Bill,” is something you didn’t expect, huh, Jerrick? I guess that will learn ya.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Parachute Jump in 1797

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

First parachute jump

This week marks the anniversary of the first successful parachute descent is made by Andre-Jacqes Garnerin, who jumps from a balloon at some 2,200 feet over Paris in 1797. There are two reasons we have to go there. 1. Tiny already caught a time capsule there. 2. Andrew Joyce, the very talented writer, and history buff had me tied up in his garage until I agreed to do a post on the jump. So for us not to make a mistake that could cause a tear in the time continuum and so that I don’t end up back in Andrew’s garage, here is a list of ten things not to do when we go there.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Parachute Jump in 1797.

10 If you go to the jump, do not ask Andre-Jacqes if you can go tandem. If you do, at best, he’ll laugh you off. At worst, he will think you are trying to steal his thunder. (That glove slap to the face means you better start practicing your swordsmanship, Jarl. Of course, you could pray he forgets about it. Likely? Not.)

9 If you go to the jump, do not try to convince Tiny the WWF champ that you can take over holding his balloon tie-down ropes. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t understand your request. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped the last seven anger management group sessions, will not give you the rope without a fight. (You better worry about that rope around your ankle, Jarrad. Your weight isn’t enough to keep the balloon on the ground. So as you dangle from one leg at 2000 feet, you might contemplate this. Does Tiny really know how to tie a knot that holds?)

8 If you go to the jump, do not start taking bets on whether or not old Andre-Jacqes will make it. If you do, at best, Andre-Jacqes will not find out about it. At worst, Andre-Jacques’ brother will make a bet that he won’t. (Now you’ve caused a family incident, Jarran. Here comes Andre-Jacques now. I see he has a glove in his hand. Might be time to go.)

7 If you go to the jump, do not offer to pack Andre-Jacqes’ chute. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. At worst, he’ll let you do it. (Funny how that thing looked like a trail of smoke when he let go of the balloon, Jarrell. The sad thing, it never opened. Oh, well, there is always next time.)

6 If you go to the jump, do not ask Andre-Jacqes to unfold your sweetheart proposal flag on the way down. If you do, at best, he’ll say no. At worst, he’ll agree. (Just your luck, Jase. There are at least four women in the spectator area named Noelle. Good luck on the breach of promise lawsuits not to mention the father’s blunderbusses)

5 If you go to the jump, do not ask the balloon pilot if he knows the color of his balloon. If you do, at best he will be too busy to answer. At worst, he’ll think you are making a joke about his balloon. (As you may know, Jaspar, Frenchmen do not take lightly jokes by Americans. I don’t think this one gets it for sure.)

4 If you go to the jump, do not try to get Andre-Jacqes to yell Geronimo when he jumps out of the balloon. If you do, at best, he’ll have no idea what you are talking about. At worst, he too will think you are joking, Jaxon. Don’t look now, but that guy in the top hat is the second coming to ask which weapon you would like to use. Here’s a hit. Tell him death by pillows.)

3 If you go to the jump, do not suggest that Andre-Jacqes should have his parachute made out of silk by Hermes. If you do, at best, he will assume you don’t know what you are talking about. At worse, he will place an order for the parachute. ( Now you are in a pickle, Jaydee. You weren’t aware that Hermes was founded in 1837. How you going to deliver a parachute tomorrow when the manufacturer won’t be in business for 40 years? You got any silkworms?)

2 If you go to the jump, do not ask Andre-Jacqes to wear your Go Lafayette sweatshirt for the stunt. If you do, at best he’ll decline. At worst, he will accept your gift. (Given the amount of angst around the support of the American revolution that shirt could cause a definite crowd reaction, Jayme. I’m not talking positive either. Can you say Guillotine?)

1 If you go to the jump, do not ask for an order of french fries at the local food tent. If you do, at best, you’ll have a thicker potato that’s been fried. At worst, the order taker won’t understand you and will alert the chef. (Here we go, Jayson. You got the big guy with the butcher knife all hot and bothered. I would hit the road if I were you.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Gym

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

This week in history had some pretty serious things going on, and not one was something I could mock without appearing disrespectful. (I guess Babe Ruth’s 60th home run in 1927 could be an exception, but I have already done a ballpark top ten) So, I have begun going to the gym again (after a broken kneecap), so I thought it would be fun to restate some things not to do if you go to a gym.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Gym

10 If you go to the gym, do not wear your workboots on the treadmill. If you do, at best, they are clean. At worst, these are the same boots you wore to the barn cleaning. (Well now you’ve done it, Jabari. You’ve caked the ellipsis with old Dobber’s straw and poop. I think this might be the last day of your membership.)

9 If you go to the gym, do not point out to Tiny the WWF champ the  “Do Not Drop Barbells” sign. If you do, at best he’ll think you are pointing to the water fountain. At worst, Tiny, who just left his narcissist support group, will wonder why you are so rude as to ask him to follow the rules. ( Tiny has a way to handle what he thinks are nasty folks, Jabbar. He takes them for a helicopter spin and body drop, which only hurts for a little while.)

8 If you go to the gym, do not aks the guy who has three hundred pounds pressed overhead for the time. If you do, at best, he will have a sense of humor. At worst, you will break the lifter’s concentration. (Nice going, Jabir. You and he are now in the basement after the drop of the weights took you both through the floor. I would suggest you get up and get out quickly before he comes to.)

7 If you go to the gym, do not forget to wipe off any of the equipment that you sweated up. If you do, at best someone else will do it. At worst, a committee will form to convince you to begin. (Don’t look now, Jaccob but the committee is armed with spray disinfectant, and I think you may be the machine they intend to wipe down.)

6 If you go to the gym, do not carry on a cellphone conversation while working out. If you do, at best, the place will be empty. At worst, those around you want you to die. ( As a second choice, Jacinto you will be able to find your phone in the ten-foot end of the pool.)

5 If you go to the gym, do not finish that hero sandwich while riding the stationary bike. If you do, at best you only had two bites left. At worst, once you really got going the crumbs, lettuce and onion bits are blown everywhere. ( What a sight, Jacky. You look like a confetti machine on New Year’s Eve. Now go get a vacuum machine and clean this stuff up.)

4 If you go to the gym, do not think that wife-beater t-shirt that says “People Suck,” is appropriate exercise wear. If you do, at best, you’ll be totally ignored. At worse, the biggest guy in the gym walks over and says, “I’m a people.” (Well now, Jacobson you have a choice. Fight or flee. I would suggest the latter thank you.)

3 If you go to the gym, do not moan out loud with each lift of the weights. If you do, at best everyone will be listening to music. At worst, everyone will be making faces behind your back. (I hope you are happy, Jacoby. There is an entire mime show going on behind you to the delight of the performers.)

2 If you go to the gym, do not keep wearing the same unwashed exercise clothes. If you do, at best no one is near you. At worst, people keep wondering aloud who is hiding the Limburger cheese. (Normally you wouldn’t care, Jacquin but the pack of dogs following you are becoming a pain.)

1 If you go to the gym, do not work the New York Times crossword puzzle while on the treadmill. If you do, at best, your no hands workout is an accomplishment. At worst, your attempt at no hands treadmill work is a disaster. ( Don’t worry, Jacquelin no one laughed when you went teacart over teacups at the end of the treadmill. Well, almost no one. Okay everyone but the guy eating the hero laughed.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Hot Air Balloon Launch in 1783

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to do

 

This week marks the anniversary of the first hot air balloon launch in Versailles, France in 1783. Since this was the beginning of man’s desire to fly, you must go. Please take this list with you to avoid an incident with the French (challenging to do) or to create a time continuum disruption that could be catastrophic.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Hot Air Baloon Launch in 1783.

10 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not try to buy a ticket. If you do, at best you will be told no. At worst, the head guy will inform you this trip is for animals only. (Do not give in to the temptation to moo like a cow, Javier. The first animals on the trip were a sheep, a rooster, and a duck.)

9 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ for a selfie with you. If you do, at best Tiny will think you are kidding. At worst, Tiny who just left his anti-witchcraft support group will think you are trying to take his soul. (I’m not saying Tiny is superstitious, but I’m not sure that phone is going to survive a foot stomp and water bath, Jagger. Also, Tiny has the same thing in mind for you.)

8 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not attempt to communicate in French. If you do, at best, no one will acknowledge that you are understood. At worst, you will give yourself away with your obnoxious American accent. (Now you’ve done it, Jessie. These folks are going to want to know how you got here and why your damn revolution got started in the first place. Please don’t say, “Je ne sais pas.” You’ll just make it worse.

7 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not admire the Palace of Versailles in front of the mob. If you do, at best most will not hear you. At worst, you happen to make your comments to Robespierre and his friends. (If you will recall, Jorge the French Revolution began in 1789 just five years from now. These Robespierre heavies look like bad hombre’s. Let’s just hope you are back home in 1789.)

6 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not make jokes about where the French get all their hot air. If you do, at best you’ll get a couple of laughs. At worst, the guys in charge of heating the air will put you on wood chopping duty. (You have to admit it, Joaquin. Life was more comfortable before all the hot air jokes. That ten-pound ax sure gets its name honestly huh?)

5 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not order a waffle from the breakfast cafe. If you do, at best no one will know what you are saying. At worst, the cafe owner will be horrified and call the gendarmes. (You see, Jimmy when you ordered a gaufre (or waffle in French) your accent was so bad the owner though you had requested a gopher. Either way anything but bread and coffee is thought to be uncivilized.)

4 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not ask the balloon owner how much he paid for the balloon. If you do, at best, he will walk away. At worst, he will take you for an ugly American and tell you to mind your business. (Then the crowd will wonder who you are, Johnny and will start to figure out you are an alien. Time to hit the wayback machine.)

3 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not make comments about the snails being served for lunch. If you do, at best someone will take yours. At worst, those in attendance will wonder where you are from and how come you have no been raised right. (Couple that with your accent, Jonas and you might earn a ticket to the guillotine testing facility.)

2 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not do a lot of smiling at people. If you do, at best some will think you have gas, At worst, most of the French will assume you are an ax murderer. (Yeah, the French don’t smile much to strangers, Julien. You are making them uncomfortable a feeling they will want to reciprocate.)

1 If you are at the first balloon launch, do not comment on the inclement weather. If you do, at best you’ll get a whats new shrug. At worst, several folks you meet will ask you to do something about it. (This is a new one, Jim. I hope you are prepared to produce miracles.)


			

	


				
					


	

		
Top Ten Things Not to Do at The Introduction of the First IBM Personal Computer in 1981
	

				

			 ~ John W. Howell			 ~ 59 Comments					

				

		
Top Ten Things Not to Do


 


Today marks the anniversary of the introduction of the first personal computer by IBM in 1981. If you want to return to that time, take this list with you. It may save a mistake or even a tear in the time continuum.


Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Introduction of the First IBM Personal Computer in 1981


10 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not laugh out loud at the 16 to 256 kB amount of memory being offered. If you do at best someone will think you are laughing with delight. At worse, you’ll be put in a position of explaining what you believe to be so funny. (Just because your current laptop has a thousand times that memory you need not be a snob, Isaias.)


9 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not tell Tiny the WWF champ that he needs to learn to keyboard. If you do, at best Tiny will think you mean someone else. At worse, Tiny will think you are mocking his two-fingered approach to typing. (The other worse part is Tiny just left his self-esteem support group where he was told he is a beautiful, perfect, big boy. I think you will have to deal with his feelings of rejection, Illias. It is going to hurt. I’m just sayin’)


8 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not ask if there re any discounts available on the $1,565.00 price tag. If you do, at best you’ll get a weird look. At worst, the engineers will put you to sleep, explaining all the components, and how expensive everything is inside. (Now don’t you feel foolish, Ismael? Put that Best BUY coupon away. No use telling them that you can get a PC priced at $141.00 in 1981 dollars. Might even get you run out of town.)


7 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not ask if you can play Pong on it. If you do, at best more funny looks. At worst, one of the engineers will suddenly see you as a genius and won’t get away from you. (You may think this is a good thing, Izzy but the guy hasn’t been out of his clothes for two weeks.)


6 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not use white-out on the screen to correct mistakes you make trying out a unit. If you do, at best the group with think you are cute. At worst, they’ll think you are a technology terrorist. (There are a couple of big guys moving your way, Iban. Might be a good idea to take your white-out and correction-tape and head for the door.)


5 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not complain if you get a stripped-down version with no monitor for your $1565.00 ($4313 in 2018 dollars). If you do, at best you will be told to buy a more expensive model. At worst, the engineers will sit you down and explain that the PC was designed to be hooked to a TV monitor. ( So now you know, Ivo. You just plop that sucker down by your TV and plug it in the back. Well, assuming you have a connection on your TV. If not come back and get the +$3,000 models. We’ll throw in a couple of floppy disk drives too. Don’t tell me you don’t know what floppy disks are?)


4 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not scoff at Charlie Chaplin’s character The Little Tramp as a spokesperson for the IBM PC. If you do, at best, the market will ignore you. At worse, the advertising folks will lock you in a room and make you watch an endless loop of Little Tramp commercials until you buy a PC. (Best just buy one in the first half-hour, Idal. Otherwise, your brain may melt.)


3 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not buy before you try. If you do, at best you can put up with some inconvenience. At worst, you’ll be trying to save to drives that don’t exist and trying to print to slots that are empty. (Maybe you should have tried it out first, Isham. Looks like you will need the more expensive one after all.)


2 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not ask if it is compatible with your iPhone. If you do, at best, no one in the room will know what an iPhone is. At worst, the security department will believe you asked the question because you are from a competitor. (Looks like it is going to be a fun ride out the front door, Izak. Try to land on something soft this time.)


1 At the intro of the IBM PC, do not ask if it comes in colors other than grey. If you do, at best the salespeople will think you are joking. At worst, the salespeople will think you are a corporate spy for Apple. (Looks like they are ready for this kind of thing, Issa. Here comes the sheriff with a couple of deputies. MIght be a good time to hit the way back button on that cell phone.”