Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are a Writer

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

Writing

 

The inspiration for this list is thinking back on all the mistakes I made while trying to become a writer. Not that I made all of them, but maybe most. I hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are a Writer

10 If you are a writer, do not kill a child or a pet in your story. If you do, at best the fallout will blow over in two years or so. At worst, you will be cavorting with some strange characters in your new witness protection plan. (Don’t get cute with a pen name either. They will find you)

9  If you are a writer, do not show friends and family portions of your work in process. If you do, at best you’ll pick up some unwanted advice on plot direction. At worst, your family will now wonder how in the world you ever got the experience to write that sex scene. (Just how do you explain that one Buford?)

8 If you are a writer, do not think you can take a vacation. If you do, at best your characters will haunt your every moment until you get back to the manuscript. At worst, you’ll suddenly let your insecure inner self convince you to quit and become a McDonald’s employee. (At least the money will be better huh Clyde?)

7 If you are a writer, do not tell people at a cocktail party what you do. If you do, at best they’ll smile and walk away. At worst, you will have to listen to a potential best-selling synopsis that takes over an hour to relate by someone who is thinking of writing a book. (Like it is the easiest thing to do, Ferd)

6 If you are a writer, do not think that life ends when the manuscript is done. If you do, at best your story will take on epic proportions. At worst, you may get the heaviest book award from the New Apple Book  Awards group. (You didn’t know that was a category? It was established primarily for you. No, your manuscript cannot be returned since the flatbed truck is not available.)

5 If you are a writer, do not let your characters take control of the story. If you do, at best you’ll have a pack of amateurs running the show. At worst, your story will take on the appearance of a three-ring circus (You hadn’t intended to write about  entertainment did you, Ernest?)

4 If you are a writer, do not be in a hurry to get published. If you are, at best you may have a plot hole that no one will notice. At worst, the grammar, plot, character, and continuity issues might gain you all the one-star reviews you can handle. (Quite a shock huh?)

3 If you are a writer, do not think you need to do little else. If you do, at best those few books sold will be gravy. At worst, your status as the great undiscovered but brilliant novelist will remain undisturbed. (Best to write your own eulogy as well.)

2 If you are a writer, do not plan to have your retirement income be solely based on your royalties. If you do, at best you can cut expenses enough to survive. At worst, you are allergic to the kind of soup at the Salvation Army kitchen. (All your pals are really impressed that you are an author. Right Bunkie?)

1 If you are a writer, do not argue with your reviewers. If you do, at best the reviews will not improve. At worst, you may pick on the single reviewer who is classically trained in the martial arts and knows where you live. (Is that Tiny the WWF champ tearing your front door off the hinges?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Time Changes

~ John W. Howell ~ 43 Comments

 

Daylight Savings time

I dislike the time change situation and have to guard against doing some unnatural things during the “getting used to” period. I hope this list is not too late.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Time Changes

10 When there is a time change, do not think “fall back ” will really give you an hour of extra sleep. If you do, at best you will be grumpy and disappointed. At worst, you will hold a grudge against the government until the “spring forward” time comes around. (Those threatening letters to the President have a way of coming back to haunt you. Don’t they felon?)

9 When there is a time change, do not expect your pets to understand the difference. If you do, at best you will have a lot of whining around the house. At worst, those routines that are now disrupted will cause some major animal errors. (What part of going outside by 7:00 did you miss trying to extend the visit by an hour?)

8 When there is a time change, do not expect your boss to understand your inability to adapt. If you do, at best your boss has the same problem. At worst, the meeting called for your performance appraisal was an hour ago. (I’ll bet you are happy with your raise this year Ferd. Is giving back some of last year’s a thing?)

7 When there is a time change, do not think the rest of the world needs to understand your disorganization. If you do, at best you will only miss a couple of scheduled events. At worst, your no-show profile will be noted, and the next event invitation will conveniently arrive one hour after the event is over. (There is only so much planners can take and after all it’s been three months since the change.)

6 When there is a time change, do not forget to reset your timers. If you do forget, at best there will be minor inconveniences until set. At worst, that oven setting will be an hour late, and you’ll be faced with raw chicken, and you invited your boss for dinner. (Lucky you there is a Kentucky Fried outlet just down the block. What you don’t know is your boss can’t eat fried food and just walked through the front door.)

5 When there is a time change, do not forget it gets dark earlier in the fall. If you do, at best you’ll need to remember a flashlight next time. At worst, that sinkhole which is very visible in the light somehow disappears in the dark. (That is until you manage to step in it and go up to your knees in freezing water huh Bunky?)

4 When there is a time change, do not take out the fact that you are out of sorts on others. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worst, you will insult those whose job it is to serve you. (You can’t tell but Tiny the WWF champ is heading to your table to personally deliver the perfectly cooked meal you sent back. It seems that Tiny was on probation as a chef and your meal was the test case. Hope your health insurance is in effect Buster.)

3 When there is a time change, do not keep one clock on the previous time. If you do, at best you might pay attention to that clock and miss something. At worst, you will keep reminding yourself of your unfortunate lack of ability to adapt and continue to measure your life in terms of what is missing as opposed to what you have. (A deep philosophical point which can be summed up with the word “stubborn.” Right Clyde?)

2 When there is a time change, do not be concerned that you have to calculate scheduled times for your favorite shows. If you do, at best you will miss a few shows due to your own error. At worst, you will employ a tremendous amount of effort only to discover the shows are on at the same time as usual. (Makes one feel foolish doesn’t it Homer

1 When there is a time change, do not attempt to change your car clock yourself. If you do, at best you’ll realize quickly you need help. At worst , you’ll make some adjustment that has never been seen before and will require a replacement clock to fix. (The clock reset is a little car manufacturer humor built into each car. Maybe this is the only exception to point number three.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Editing Your Book

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Editing

The inspiration for this list is, well frankly, my latest labor over the editing process. I hope you enjoy the list and, yes I have done some of these things.

Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Editing Your Book.

10 If you are editing, do not think glasses of wine make the work go easier. If you do, at best you’ll just have to do it over. At worst, you might inadvertently delete several chapters of your book under the belief that you have better ones in mind. (Aren’t you glad you had that backup file Goof-ball?)

9 If you are editing, do not think you can watch the football game while you work. If you do, at best you will catch all your mistakes on the second go around. At worst, you think you found them all only to discover in reading a review the question, “What does a touchdown have to do with the relationship?” (Hmm you can explain that can’t you Bunkie?)

8 If you are editing, do not decide to change a character’s name with “find and replace.” If you do, At best you’ll catch the ones missed. At worst, you will have a new character named JerryTinyO.” (That extra space sure made a difference. Oh, and Tiny would like to see you. He’s over at the gym straightening out horseshoes.)

7 If you are editing, do not believe long breaks will enhance your work. If you do, at best you will be editing this book forever. At worst, your continuity will go out the window, and your book will read like a short story collection. (You had not intended to publish short stories, did you Ferd?”)

6 If you are editing, do not ask your friends to read the new edits. If you do, at best the opinions will be so varied you’ll be confused. At worst, you will come to realize you need new friends and a new book. (You now wish you had just given it to an editor right?)

5 If you are editing, do not try to do the whole thing in one sitting. If you do, at best you will be exhausted. At worst, you may stop caring how the stupid book comes out and just want to get it done. (Your two-star reviews aren’t much of a reward are they?)

4 If you are editing, do not snack to reduce stress. If you do, at best you’ll need extra exercise hours. At worst, your snacking will resemble a runaway train from which there is no return. (Getting a grip is so much harder when there is more of you isn’t it?)

3 If you are editing, do not believe the rest of the family understands your pain. If you do, at best you’ll feel misunderstood. At worst, you will constantly be thinking of ways to take your angst out on your characters. (This book has taken on a sinister air hasn’t it Stephen?)

2 If you are editing, do not abandon personal hygiene. If you do, at best you will be alone. At worst, your family could be seeking council with the local mental health provider, and you’ll get more help than you need. (You can still type with that white jacket on right Buford?)

1 If you are editing, know when it is time to stop. If you don’t at best, you will never finish the book. At worst, you will suffer PETS (Post Editing Traumatic Ssyndrome) and never sleep again. (You need to stop going over the book in your head. It is published already.)

Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween

~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

Halloween

 

 

I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain  the inspiration for this list. Since today is Halloween, it is pretty obvious. Yes, there are some things on this list that I have done, but I’ll let you figure out which ones.

Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween

10 On Halloween, do not run out of candy. If you do, at best you will be marked as a cheap skate. At worst, the amount of soap on your windows will require a profession crew to remove. (That handing out pennies idea didn’t work so well did it, Rube?)

9 On Halloween, do not try to hide in the basement with all the lights off. If you do, at best you will miss out on some cute costumes. At worst, the gremlins, witches, and goblins will make it a point to discover why you are not home. (That glowing computer screen did you in Ferd.)

8 On Halloween, do not try any scare tactics on the trick or treaters. If you do, at best the neighborhood watch group will be paying you a call. At worst, Child Protective Services will have your house identified as a possible child abuse location. (I know it seemed funny at the time, but think of the scarred little psyches not to mention the accidents on your front porch.)

7 On Halloween, do not hand out home-made anything. If you do, at best it will all be thrown away. At worst, the local health department will be acting on a complaint and will insist on inspecting your kitchen. (That white glove sure looks bad in the light Bunkie.)

6 On Halloween, do not make the trick or treaters do anything for their treats. If you do, at best you’ll get blank stares. At worst you’ll get a visit from Tiny the WFF champion wrestler who is escorting the kids and he will insist that you dance or else get his special treat. (You don’t want to see Tiny’s knuckle sandwich up close.)

5 On Halloween, do not hand out toothbrushes instead of candy. If you do, at best you will win the “kook of the neighborhood” award. At worst, most of the trick or treaters will be polite but Tiny’s kid will insist on a candy treat while sitting on your chest. (It is funny what is passed in the gene pool isn’t it?)

4 On Halloween, if you insist on wearing a costume, do not make the trick or treaters guess what or who you are. If you do, at best they will not have a clue. At worst, they will all guess wrong and you will suddenly realize you have a screw loose for even trying in the first place. (Funny how some things go out of style quickly. It is surprising that the five-year olds couldn’t get your Tele Tubby costume. (Your favorite show as a kid right?)

3 On Halloween, do not attempt to pass out shots of alcohol to the parents of trick or treaters. If you do, at best you will be very popular until the wee hours of the morning. At worst, your neighbors will assume you have some kind of problem and will ask the police to make sure no kids get your handout. (That sure took a nasty turn, didn’t it Beauford?)

2 On Halloween, do not leave a bowl of treats on the porch with a note to “take one on the honor system.” If you do, at best the treats will be gone before sundown. At worst, the trick or treaters will ring your bell every three seconds in pursuit of a refill. (You quickly learned that “honor” in your neighborhood means “me first.”)

1 On Halloween, do not watch Nightmare on Elm Street, Psycho, Friday the Thirteenth, Amityville Horror, The Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, or any other horror movie. If you do, at best you  will need the day off tomorrow. At worst, the EMS crew will find it mildly amusing that you were in charge of your own heart attack. (You could have just read a book Bevis. At the scary part you could have put it down.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fast Food Drive Through

~ John W. Howell ~ 34 Comments

Drive through

10 If you are going to a drive through, do not ask the order taker for a dining recommendation. If you do, at best you’ll get a repeat of the “how can I help you?” At worst, the order person will tell you to eat somewhere else. (Didn’t expect that did you? You better take the advice.)

9 If you are going to a drive through, do not ask for a description of the special of the day. If you do, at best there is no special. At worst, the order person will believe you are mocking their position and will get even. (Do not lift that lid on the soft drink just throw it away.)

8 If you are going to a drive through, do not tell the order taker that this is a to go order. At best, you won’t hear the comment since the mic is turned off. At worst, you’ll have to sit and listen to the laughter of the entire order crew and patrons as the order taker broadcasts “THIS IS A TO GO ORDER” over the loudspeaker. (What were you thinking? DRIVE THROUGH. Duh?)

7 If you are going to a drive through, do not ask for special handling of your sandwich. If you do, At best you’ll be asked to pull over. At worst, you will sit in the penalty box in the hot sun until the staff finally remembers you are there. (Your special handling request is forgotten as well)

6 If you are going to a drive through, do not joke about a wine pairing. If you do, at best you’ll confuse the order taker and will take more time. At worst, the order taker will seek out a manager to find the answer. (The manager’s name is Tiny and this is the fourteenth hour Tiny has been at work. Tiny was also the Class A high school wrestling champ in the state and had to relinquish the title because of anger issues. Bon appetite.)

5 If you are going to a drive through, do not change your order. If you do, at best you will get both. At worst, you will get the order of the car behind you which bears no resemblance to what you wanted. (You have to wonder how a burger that big can fit into a mouth.)

4 If you are going to a drive through, don’t forget to check your order. If you do forget, at best the only thing missing is a straw. At worst, that deep-fried chicken sandwich that you didn’t order triggers your cholesterol and blood pressure to new high levels. (“So how did we come to eat that thing?” is the question asked by your doctor. It is very sad that you try to blame the drive through.)

3 If you are going to a drive through, do not try to stock your condiment supply with a request for extra. If you do, at best you’ll get one more catsup, and that’s all. At worst, you will get too many catsups and not enough mustard and mayonnaise. (The charge for all of this will be on your credit card bill, and it will be way too much.)

2 If you are going to a drive through, do not answer “yes” to any questions regarding quantity. If you do, at best you will spend more and eat more. At worst, your three-week exercise program that had you feeling good will now need a reset. (How can something that only weighs twelve ounces put three pounds on your frame?)

1 If you are going to a drive through don’t wait until you get to the order spot to decide you are a vegan. If you do, at best there will be nothing on the menu for you. At worst, the cars behind you will raise an uproar as you search for an acceptable item. (That police officer heading toward you is responding to the manager who  finally gave up asking you for your order.)

Ten Things Not to Do While Watching Competition Shows.

~ John W. Howell ~ 29 Comments

Do it

 

The inspiration for this list came to me while watching a few shows where people compete for money, a hosting berth on a food show, to see if they would like to sell or list their house, or just want a new place to live. I did not know what to call these shows, so I labeled them competition shows. Anyway, I think you get the idea.

10 If you are watching a competition show and it involves food, do not think you need to match bite for bite. If you do, at best you’ll be too full to sleep. At worst, your doctor will conduct an intervention and perhaps admit you to a sanitarium to lose weight. (Man that first 100 pounds came quick didn’t it?)

9 If you are watching a competition show and it involves racing from one place to the next do not think you need to rush to the store after. If you do, at best the kindly officer will let you off with a warning after he hears your story. At worst, your insurance company will not reinstate your policy in spite of your promise to get rid of the racing gloves. (You would have been okay had you not slid sideways into the 7/11.)

8 If you are watching a competition show and the players are all on an island with no food, do not plan your vacation while watching. If you do, at best your room choices will seem luxurious when in fact they should be condemned.  At worst, you’ll arrive at your destination and realize that primitive camp living might not have been the best option. (Especially since your family considers roughing it as no room service.)

7 If you are watching a competition show and the favorite day of the show is demolition day, do not tackle that small home improvement. If you do, at best you will spend three minutes on demolition and ten days on reconstruction. At worst, your demolition fever will go unchecked until you realize you have no more bedrooms. (That night sky is sure filled with stars isn’t it?)

6 If you are watching a competition show and the principles pay for rundown houses with cash, do not make an offer on a house. If you do, at best you will overlook some needed repairs. At worst, you will realize there is no one to help you with what has been described as a “tear down.” (It looked so easy on TV didn’t it Bunky?)

5 If you are watching a competition show and the homeowners are asked it, they love it or should they list it? Do not call an agent to list your house. If you do, at best you will have second thoughts about your beloved home. At worst, your house will sell in two days with the new owners wanting to move in a week and you have nowhere to go. (How come everything for sale is higher priced than what you got for your house? Huh?)

4 If you are watching a competition show and there are judges eliminating chefs, do not decide you can cook better than all of them. If you do, at best your offerings may not be enthusiastically received. At worst, you will have a food walk out at your house, and you’ll be the last chef standing. (Seems kind of lonely just you and that pot of stew.)

3 If you are watching a competition show and it involves food trucks, do not think that may be an easy way to make a buck. If you do, at best your first week will be a killer. At worst, after you spend all that money to buy the truck you realize you can’t sell the truck.(Kind of cramped to live in right?)

2 If you are watching a competition show that involves two guys giving the homeowner a complete makeover for $30,000, do not ask for bids on your remodel. If you do, at best you’ll never get a price low enough to proceed. At worst, you will find someone to do the job at your price and have to hire another contractor to redo the job at twice the price. (All looked good until the ceiling fell. Right?)

1 If you are watching a competition show that involves selecting a home from three choices of houses, do not think you will be that lucky. If you do, At best you will need to see more. At worst, you will look at three and pick one and discover a better house has com on the market and is cheaper. (So much for being in a rush huh, Rube?)

Top Ten Things To Do at an Animal Adoption Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 24 Comments

As you may know, I normally do a Top Ten Things Not to Do on Mondays. Since last Friday was Dog Day and since my Lucy is a rescue I thought I would turn the tables a little. My wife helps out at Austin Boxer Rescue and was the technical consultant for this post. Here is the sign that she has on her car when making home inspection visits. (Yes there is a screening process for adoptive prospects) Austin Boxer rescue

Ten Things To Do at an Animal Adoption Day

10 If you go to an animal adoption day, understand that all the people with an animal are foster volunteers. They appreciate you being there and would like nothing more than to find a good forever home for their foster.

9 If you go to an animal adoption day, take the time to get to know the pet you might be interested in adopting. Looks are not everything and most important is the fit with your family.

8 If you go to an animal adoption day, do not be shy about asking the foster about the good and challenging traits of the pet you are thinking of adopting. The foster knows the pet as well as anyone.

7 If you go to an animal adoption day, do ask to take the pet for a walk. A walk is a good way to determine any behavior issues while on a leash.

6 If you go to an animal adoption day, do not feel you need to decide on an animal if you are not sure. The animal and the foster are both anxious to find a forever home and would rather not be chosen then to get into an unhappy situation.

5 If you go to an animal adoption day, do not expect the organization to hand you an animal without checking on suitability. The fit has to be right for both.

4 If you go to an animal adoption day, do offer to donate to the organization if you feel inclined. Many times organizations are understaffed and underfunded and can use all the help they can find.

3 If you go to an animal adoption day, do not feel bad if you don’t find a pet you can live with today. Most organizations have a number of pets that can be seen at other adoption days or with private arrangements.

2 If you go to an animal adoption day, do not expect the animal to be free. Most organizations provide the animal with vet care, immunizations, and sterilization. These services cost money and also when there is a re-homing fee, history shows the incidences of failure are much less.

1 If you go to an animal adoption day, remember if you can’t adopt volunteer. If you can’t  volunteer, then donate. There are too many unwanted animals and not enough organization resources to help all.

Lucy says,” Thanks for reading my John’s post.”

Lucy

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Realtor Open House

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

 

Open house

The inspiration for this list is having attended some realtor open houses and having an active imagination of the reaction of the realtor if one of the visitors should do any of the things on the list. I am entirely innocent.

10 If you attend a realtor open house, do not make yourself at home no matter what the salesperson says when you arrive. If you do, at best you’ll be asked to take you feet off the couch. At worst, the police will ask you once to get out of the shower and get dressed. (Don’t make them use that stun gun Bunky. You’ll look ridiculous on the nightly news especially buck naked.)

9 If you attend a realtor open house, do not think that pot on the stove is hot cider. If you do, at best the potpourri won’t make you sick. At worst, you’ll find the wood chips and cinnamon sticks aren’t as fun on the revisit. (That ER ipecac treatment was a close to waterboarding as you will get for a while.)

8 If you attend a realtor open house, do not think you can test the bed. If you do, at best you’ll be shown the door. At worst, your picture ends up at the Multiple Listing Service, and this will be your last open house. (You should have set an alarm before that nap.)

7 If you attend a realtor open house, do not make jokes about the home owner’s relative photos. If you do, at best no one will hear you. At worst, the realtor will rat you out to the owner. (You didn’t know this was your bosses house until you saw his photo last did you?)

6 If you attend a realtor open house, do not help yourself to one of the cookies in the kitchen. If you do, at best that is why they are on display. At worst, you are now painfully aware the cookies were props. (How long will you have to chew that wax before it goes bye-bye?)

5 If you attend a realtor open house, do not turn on the big game. If you do, at best the broker will ask you to turn it off. At worst, you will still be watching as the owners return to their house. (Pretty uncomfortable explaining how you came to turn the thing on in the first place. Oh and that beer just magically appeared.)

4 If you attend a realtor open house, do not open drawers to have a peek. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, you’ll go into the media room and be able to watch the security camera replay of your bathroom snooping. (Don’t even try to figure out how to erase the file. The central control is locked, and the owner is looking at your performance on a cell phone ten miles away.)

3 If you attend a realtor open house, do not be tempted to open the refrigerator. If you do open it, at best only the salesperson will know. At worst, the owners return home through the kitchen door just as you look inside the refrigerator. (Your comment about “nice looking pot roast leftovers,” does nothing to ease the tension.)

2 If you attend a realtor open house, do not be tempted to pick a flower or two no matter how lovely. If you do pick one, at best you can tell a fib about it being broken off. At worst, you have the flower in your hand and no way to hide the fact from the owner. (The owner happens to be named Tiny and stands seven feet tall and rushed out to his garden to find you with his favorite Zinnia in your hand. You should just fall down now.)

1 If you attend a realtor open house, no matter what, do not turn on the Jacuzzi. If you do, at best that broken switch will fail to operate. At worst, the broken return pipe will shoot water all over until the tub is dry. (Of course, you can’t turn it off either so you stand by helplessly watching the firefighters try to save the house from the burning lanai.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the Olympics

~ John W. Howell ~ 37 Comments

Olympic Rings

 

Now that the Olympics are underway, I think it is a good idea to lay out a few suggestions on things not to do. Hopefully this list will save a reputation or two.

10 During the Olympics do not keep asking how many medals the US has won. If you do, at best you will have missed the idea of the competition. At worst, you just might get a suggestion that you would be better off at a horse race where winning is everything. (Did you not drink the one world cool-aid Bunkie)

9 During the Olympics do not insist that your interest in watching sand volleyball is purely for the artistic nature of the sport. At best, you’ll come off as someone not in touch with themselves. At worst, you be seen as a perv. (How did you miss that winning point Bud?)

8 During the Olympics do not stay up until all hours waiting for the final match. If you do, at best you won’t care who wins when the finals eventually are underway. At worst, you’ll fall asleep and miss the action. (You know there is such a thing as a recorded replay right?)

7 During the Olympics, do not insist on watching the boxing matches while visiting friends. If you do, at best they will think you lack social grace. At worst, your friends will start to question your motive. (“You would rather watch that stuff than talk to us?” is a question going through their mind right now.)

6 During the Olympics, do not insist on having meals in front of the TV. If you do, your family will become very worried about you. At worst, you might be the recipient of an interdiction by Olympic Watchers Anonymous. (You just didn’t know when that old Olympic habit moved into addiction did you fella?)

5 During the Olympics, do not buy or wear anything with the Olympic logo on it. if you do, at best you’ll own something that marks you as a little odd. At worst, once the event is over, you’ll have four more years before you can put it on again. (Will your stomach be in the same place four years from now Ferd?)

4 During the Olympics, do not put a country flag on your face. If you do, at best your neighbors will think you are from out-of-town and weird. At worst, your attempt to look cute while supporting your country will be viewed as a desperate act to gain recognition. (After all, there is no Jumbotron on your block)

3 During the Olympics, do not buy soft drinks or beer in a commemorative can or bottle. If you do, at best you’ll get some funny looks at the next social gathering. At worst, everyone will know how old your drinks are when you try to pass them off next summer. (Those big sales you expected on eBay never came through did they?)

2 During the Olympics, do not organize an Olympic party. If you do, at best the only attendees are all those folks you don’t like in the first place. At worst, you’ll have everything set up and realize you picked the night of the least favorite event. (Those appetizers and burgers will freeze well. Don’t you worry. Now the potato salad is another matter)

1 During the Olympics, do not demand that everyone in your house be quiet during the diving competition. If you do, at best you will confirm your lack of a grip on reality. At worst, the family will call in a professional to assist them in your recovery. (Yes, it’s true the divers can’t hear you from your home)

Ten Things Not to Do at an ART Show

~ John W. Howell ~ 20 Comments

The inspiration for this list is some art shows going on here in South Texas. I can’t say I have done any of these things but have certainly witnessed some of them. I hope you enjoy.

Art show.

Ten Things Not to Do at an Art Show

10 If you are attending an art show, do not touch any of the art. If you do, at best you’ll be reprimanded by the artist. At worst, that blotch of tomato sauce from your stromboli which now sits on the piece of art marks it as yours. (You always wanted to own a painting with the obsessive/compulsive title “My Evil Obsession.” didn’t you Slick.)

9 If you are attending an art show, do not ask the artist if they give a discount. If you do, at best you will have to listen to a monologue about the value of hand-crafted art. At worst, you will be called certain names which you probably haven’t been called before. (That peyote sure gets those artist folks fired up doesn’t it?)

8 If you are attending an art show, do not sit in a chair that is clearly a work of art. If you do, at best you will be asked kindly to get up. At worst, you might face Tiny, the WWF ex-champ who is also a very close friend of the artist. (That crack you just heard better be a bone and not the chair.)

7 If you are attending an art show, do not interact with an exhibit that has a sign “Look but don’t touch.” If you do, at best nothing will break, and you’ll make a clean getaway. At worst, although fun the cost of that broken piece will keep you on peanut butter sandwiches for months. (Who ever heard of a wind-up toy that doesn’t wind up?)

6 If you are attending an art show, do not let your kids run helter skelter through the exhibits. If you do, at best the organizer will return them to you with a stern warning. At worst, your youngest will come screaming to you with a ransom note demanding payment before the release of the others. (A bit costly for a few minutes entertainment. Wouldn’t you say?)

5 If you are attending an art show, do not pick up objects to see how they feel. If you do, at best you’ll be lucky and not drop one. At worst, that eagle feather that looked so light will turn out to be made of concrete that unfortunately broke in two as it took out the mirror covered table. (A two-finger lift was not the best way.)

4 If you are attending an art show, do not try to impress the artist if you know nothing about art. If you do, at best you will confirm you know nothing. At worst, the artist will kindly listen and then call upon the local shaman to strike you mute. (Was fun listening to yourself talk until you couldn’t any more right?)

3 If you are attending an art show, do not eat anything while touring the booths. If you do, at best most of the artists will warn you away. At worst, you could be the proud owner of an unusual weaving kissed with Philly Cheesesteak juice. (Wasn’t your fist choice was it?)

2 If you are attending an art show, do not try to barter your books for a piece of art of your choice. If you do, at best the artist will say they have already read your book. At worst, the artist will flip through your book and hand it back. (You didn’t need to hear that they don’t ever read your genre.)

1 If you are attending an art show, do not think your purchase has a money back guarantee. If you do, at best you will be embarrassed when you try to bring it back. At worst, the artist will be insulted that you didn’t want to keep the precious item. (That lawyer they hired just won’t go away darn it.)