It is right about time for those wonderful college tours for the children going into their senior year of high school. This list has inspiration in a foggy memory of such visits nine years ago. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are visiting a college, do not stop in the bookstore first. If you do, at best you will be overwhelmed by the assortment. At worst, you will buy a bunch of stuff only to learn that your child “hates this place.” (Well it figures doesn’t it? Waldo.)

9 If you are visiting a college, do not wear clothing from another school. If you do, at best the personnel with think you haven’t a clue. At worst, your shirt will distract the student guide and they will forget half of what you wanted to know. (You could have picked a non-rival right?)

8 If you are visiting a college, do not feed the mascot. If you do, at best the guard will ask you to leave. At worst, that cookie you just tossed the bear is the only thing on the planet for which it has an allergy. (Nothing like CPR on a sweating, hairy, monster with bad breath, huh, Pilgrim?)

7 If you are visiting a college, do not interrupt the tour guide. If you do, at best they will forget where they were and will have to start from the beginning. At worst, your tour guide is a fragile human being who was encouraged to lead tours as a method of building self-confidence and is now in a pool of tears trying to survive a complete meltdown. (Well, you could have waited until the recording was over)

6 If you are visiting a college, do not make fun of tradition. If you do at best, you will see some serious frowns. At worst, the massive varsity football player who just got drafted by the Oakland Raiders will want to talk to you in private. (So what does it hurt not to snicker when everyone says, “Howdy” to you.)

5 If you are visiting a college, do not go to one where your child has zero chance of being accepted. If you do, at best they will suddenly see what they will be missing. At worst, they will decide that this is the college for them and none other will do. (Now this is a fine kettle of fish we’ve gotten ourselves into Laurel)

4 If you are visiting a college, do not just visit the ones with big time sports teams. If you do, at best some good schools can be overlooked. At worst, maybe your child has no interest in sports, and you’ll realize too late that you are here because you want to be here. (You already went to school. Give it up, Bucky)

3 If you are visiting a college, do not engage your tour guide in a discussion about tuition. If you do, at best they will direct you to the provost’s office. At worst, you will be bringing new information to a student tour guide who will become increasingly concerned about the cost enough to get a job and flunk out.( Never saw that one coming did ya? Bud.)

2 If you are visiting a college, do not think acceptance will be automatic. If you do, at best you will start to make plans that won’t materialize. At worst, you might just give the impression to everyone you meet that you think the entrance is a slam dunk, and there are more than enough who will want to thwart that view. (What a surprise on rejection letter day.)

1 If you are visiting a college, do not talk about your college experiences. If you do, at best the students will think you have never grown up. At worst, your child will want to find a deep hole and a dump truck and guess who is the cargo. (None of those kids are interested in ancient history pops unless it is a required course and maybe not even then)

The inspiration for this list is some men only ski trips I have taken to Lake Tahoe. Some of the items in this list are as a result of observation. There is at least one in which I participated. I’ll let you decide which one it is. I also wanted to do this list while the memory of snow is a good one.

Ten Things Not to Do on a Men’s Weekend Trip.

10 If you are on a men’s trip, do not volunteer to cook anything. If you do, at best you will be relieved after the first meal. At worst, the group will love what you do, and you’ll spend the rest of the trip chained to the six burner stove. (You always wanted someone to praise your food but not this much huh chump?)

9 If you are on a men’s trip, do not take your time to enter the house when you get there. If you do, at best you’ll have the last pick of sleeping accommodations. At worst, the last pick will be the swing on the three season porch and the three seasons have passed. (Yes, that is snow on your shoulder this morning.)

8 If you are on a men’s trip, do not wear your at home sleeping attire. If you do, at best that hole filled T-shirt will be the talk of the group long after the trip is over. At worst, pictures will be taken and go viral. (Pretty hard to explain no bottoms isn’t it?)

7  If you are on a men’s trip, do not slip and fall headfirst into the hot tub while holding onto a pastrami sandwich. If you do, at best you’ll be able to get rid of the sandwich before it hits the filter. At worst, the damage deposit will be entirely consumed replacing the filter. (Guess who’s going to pay the whole thing?)

6 If you are on a men’s trip, do not decide to gamble unless you know what you are doing. If you do, at best you will lose early and quit. At worst, you will win early and then continue until you are cleaned out. (Sure, the casino accepts American Express)

5 If you are on a men’s trip, do not try to convert anyone to your vegan principles. If you do, at best everyone will think you are joking. At worst, your fellow travelers will keep their distance hoping they don’t catch whatever you have. (The explanation of the virtues of the vegan lifestyle might be better if your audience is sober)

4 If you are on a men’s trip, do not forget the effects of high altitude on liquor consumption. If you do, at best you might just pass out. At worst, you will spend the night using the ceramic microphone to call trains to places like Pittsburgh. (Amazing how long the process of detox takes, huh Bunky?)

3 If you are on a man’s trip, do not think the whole group wants to go with you to visit the place you were married. If you do, at best you’ll go alone. At worst, those that do go with you will end up thinking they have wasted their time and demand you pay for drinks. (Okay, I confess. This one is mine. My wife and I married at Lake Tahoe, and I did convince some to visit the spot with me. Yes, I bought the drinks after.)

2 If you go on a man’s trip, do not think you have to use all the drink coupons on the journey to the destination. If you do, at best you will still be flying when you land. At worst, you’ll have to face the trip home without any fortification and in the center row between two members of the University wrestling team. (Maybe a little more air would help, but you can’t raise your arms trapped by the incredible hulks on each side.)

1 If you go on a man’s trip, do not forget a souvenir for the folks back home. If you do forget, at best you have just had your last men’s trip. At worst, the memory token will be chosen for you and will cost a little more than what you would have spent. (No, two tickets stubs from a casino show will not do.)

In Texas, it is that time of the year when all property owners have the constitutional right to contest the property tax assessment delivered by the county. The inspiration for this list was listening to the stories told by my dear wife after her return from her meeting with the tax assessor.  Yes, you read it right. She is the one who does all the research and then the one to confront the tax people. (I fear for their lives)  I hope you enjoy the list. (Oh, by the way, our assessment was reduced.)

10  If you are protesting your property taxes, do not think the personnel will not remember you from last year. If you do, at best they will keep you sitting in the waiting room as long as possible. At worst, they will have held a special boost morale meeting and take up the mantle of a football team taking the field. (You thought that different hair and fake mustache was going to help didn’t you?)

9 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not make jokes about the staff having to work on Saturday. If you do, at best you’ll get polite smiles and no action. At worst, your case worker will find an overlooked loophole and assess your property even higher. (That one joke about government drones finally having to work was the nail hey, Ferd?)

8 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not try to blame your case worker for the high assessment. If you do, at best they will become very defensive and no help. At worst, they will call in the county lawyer and threaten you with a defamation of character lawsuit. (You now see why the lawyer is standing by don’t you Bunkie?)

7 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not show up in your grubbiest clothes trying to look poor. If you do, at best the case worker knows the value of your home and think you a fool. At worst, the guard will stop your entrance into the building thinking you are homeless with no need for a property tax protest meeting. (With only one chance to protest you better hope you have time to run home and change.)

6 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not try to use last year’s photos of your home’s deplorable condition at this year’s meeting. If you do, at best the case worker will excuse you memory lapse since the file contains five years of documentation. At worst, the case worker will put you at a disadvantage by using phrases like “tax fraud,”deception,” and “felony.” (Makes you want to pretend to have a stroke doesn’t it?)

5 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not be outraged when the case worker says, “You should be grateful to pay taxes on such a lovely looking house.” If you do, at best you can kiss any further consideration goodbye. At worst, you’ll hurt some feelings that won’t ever heal. (Remember you’ll need to come back next year and a case worker never forgets)

4 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not think the case worker will be more impressed and influenced by more pages of documentation rather than less. If you do, at best you will have your case worker nodding off. At worst, you case worker will take offense thinking they are incapable of making a decision absent a hundred pages of facts. (This taking of offense will not serve you well in the future.)

3 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not ask to use the caseworkers’ calculator. If you do, at best it might be interpreted that you don’t trust either the calculator or the case worker or both. At worst, the case worker is a germaphobe and will break out in hives just at the thought of you using the calculator. (Now you need a new case worker and all are busy aren’t they Rube)

2 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not raise your voice. If you do, at best your case worker will ask to be replaced by another. At worst, that scared wide-eyed look on the face of the case worker will immediately precede the arrival of the sheriff’s officers. (In addition to hight taxes you now have a court date for assault, Tiger)

1 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not let a spouse say anything to try to help. If you do, at best the spouse will say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and everyone will get confused. At worst, the spouse will add an unnecessary comment that will convince the case worker that your taxes ought to be higher for the next three years. (Gee all that was said is “Who do you think pays your salary?”

The inspiration for this list came after attending some parties recently.  Although I’m not a psychologist I can only surmise the individuals I happened to run into were behaving in an abnormal manner. In searching for truth, I Googled social disorders and came upon “Cocktail Party Guest” and the explanation became clear. I hope you enjoy the list. If you are at times, a cocktail party guest know this list is with love.

10 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not say.”How are you?” If you do at best, you will only have to stand for ten or so minutes for the rundown. At worst, you will be forced to take the person home with you since you now are forced into the position of Good Samaritan. (You had hoped they would say, “Fine,” like everyone else didn’t you?)

9 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not admit you are a writer. If you do, at best the person will tell you some stories they are going to write. At worst, you will be forced into a corner and have to admit the person reminds you of Ernest Hemingway. (Of course, maybe one of those stories will be your next novel)

8 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not mention your last vacation. If you do, At best you will have to attempt to get away after the second holiday story. At worst, you will watch your ice melt as you go on a verbal tour of all the continents. (Don’t you wish a trap door would open and drop you ten stories to the furnace room.)

7 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not ask what they do. If you do, at best they will try to convince you they own the city. At worst, they will be in the selling profession and won’t let you go until you sign up for a cleaning product pyramid scheme. (Wasn’t this the project that you read about where all the officers of the company went to jail?)

6 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not ask where they live. If you do, at best they will assume you are trying to type their social/economic status. At worst, the person will believe that you are a cat burglar and have designs on their jewels and money. (In each, case you didn’t get an answer and the latter begs the question,  did you enjoy the police escort home?)

5 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not be the first to mention your kids. If you do, at best, the person has you outnumbered by a factor of two children. At worst, the person you are talking to has just returned from Washington where they witnessed the President giving their child the Student of the Year award. (Man, it could not get any more humiliating than that huh, Bunky?)

4 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not raise a political point. If you do, at best the person is a political science professor at the college, and you are in for a pretty long evening. At worst, the person is a member of a splinter group who have as a mission the destruction of the two-party system. (How do you feel going home with your very own AK 47 gift)

3 If you happen to talk to a cocktail guest, do not admit you know nothing about Doctor No or Marvel Comic characters. If you do, at best you will need to find someone else with which to talk. At worst, the person will take the next three hours providing the background and an in-depth synopsis of every episode or character. (Remember to relax your knees now and then, so you don’t pass out.)

2 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not make a negative comment about the party. If you do, at best the person will disagree and then tell the host. At worst, you will make your unfortunate comments to the unknown spouse of the host who just happens to play golf once a week with your boss. (That meeting with the boss on Monday might be a little tense hey Bud?)

1 If you happen to talk to a cocktail guest, do not keep calling them by the wrong name. If you do, at best the fourth correction will verify you are an idiot. At worst, unbeknownst to you, this person has been hired by the company you work for to come in and weed out the deadwood. (You may not be too old to find another job. Yeah Right?)

The inspiration for this list happens every year here at the coast. We naturally get a number of visitors that one would not normally get in the city, and we learned there are a few things not to do while they are in the house.  Hope you like it (BTW this list is entirely fictional and does not reflect any particular action by any individual visitor).

Ten Things Not to Do When You Have House Guests

10 If you have house guests, do not ask if they have special dietary requirements. If you do, at best you will demonstrate how truly mannerly you are, and the answer will be, “No.” At worst, you will be given a list that includes, vegan, lactose intolerant, and gluten-free. (You realize the only thing you can serve is tea)

9 If you have house guests, do not ask if they have a preference for the kind of water to drink. If you do, at best you will get a request for a brand not available to you. At worst, the brand ordered will cost more that a fifth of vodka in a bottle half the size. ( Given the amount consumed you are also wondering if they are using it for bath water as well.)

8 If you have house guests, do not forget to tell them where to put their wet towels. If you forget, at best they will throw them on impervious surfaces. At worst, you will find them hanging from some of your newest fabric furniture. (The stain looks remarkably like Mother Teresa doesn’t it?)

7 If you have house guests, do not ask if they have laundry to do. If you do, at best the machine will be running in shifts all day. At worst, you will be seen as a member of the staff and expected to do the laundry. (Well you offered right?)

6 If you have house guests, do not answer the question, “What can we do now?” If you do, at best whatever you suggest will be rejected. At worst, after the first activity, you will be the designated events chairperson for the rest of the visit. (You forgot to issue wristbands, and now one person is lost.)

5 If you have house guests, do not put out more than one roll of toilet paper at a time. If you do, at best the paper will disappear with no explanation. At worst, your plumber will eventually get the pipes cleared after removing several toys and rolls of paper.(The parents should have warned you that their kids do this in all the hotels.)

4 If you have house guests, do not lug numerous sand toys to the beach. If you do, at best the kids will play with one for a minute. At worst, there will be too many toy choices, and you will be the cause of several kid meltdowns while they try to decide which one. (Now you know to have them pick one at the house right?)

3 If you have house guests, do not make chocolate available as a  treat choice. If you do, at best your towels will have permanent handprints. At worst, once your guests leave, you will come to the realization that you will need to convert your decor to jungle to take advantage of the Zebra like marks all over the place. (Well, you’ve been meaning to make a change right?)

2 If you have house guests, do not serve anything that melts. If you do , at best you will find little puddles of melted food everywhere. At worst, when you least expect it you will come across a sticky melted spot for years to come. (How that spot got on your pillow is still a mystery. Getting the pillow off your hair is still a painful memory moment isn’t it?)

1 If you have house guests, do not tell them they are welcome back anytime. If you do, at best the good ones will be back next year. At worst, the bad ones will be back next week. (Now you know you could have said nothing right?)

This list has as inspiration the fact that the Major League Baseball season is underway, and there are things you need to know if you plan to attend a game.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Plan to Attend an MLB Game.

10 If you plan to attend a game, do not call in sick to work. If you do, at best no one will see you that day. At worst, you will be highlighted as the 100th attendee including an interview playing of the 6:00 and 10:00 news. (You hope that fake nose, moustache, and glasses get up will keep your boss in the dark.)

9 If you plan to attend a game, do not bring your favorite glove in hopes of catching a home run. If you do, at best those around you will assume you have some kind of mental illness that focuses on balls. At worst, you will actually have the opportunity to catch a home run ball only to drop it in front of thousands of fans on the jumbotron and those watching the game on TV. (Can you say, “Clumsy idiot,” Bucky?”

8 If you plan to attend a game, do not drive your car to the ballpark. If you do, at best you pay more for parking than the ticket. At worst, you’ll have trouble finding a place to park and take up the offer by the guy in sunglasses and knit cap to watch your car for five dollars. (The tow truck didn’t do too much damage, and you understand a new bumper will cost under a thousand.)

7 If you plan to attend a game and are taking a date, do not try to avoid the kiss cam by talking on your phone. If you do, at best this will be the last time with this person. At worst, the commentary from the TV coverage will ensure you may never get a date again. (Sure you are the Wolf of Wall Street, Ace and now may be a lone wolf).

6 If you plan to attend a game and want to sit close to the players, do not yell insults that the players can hear. If you do, at best you’ll get some fierce looks. At worst, you might have to think fast to avoid that Louisville slugger that is heading your way. (Man! Those bats are hard aren’t they Buster?)

5 If you plan to go to the game, do not try to best your old beer per hour record. If you do, at best you will fall short and be glad later. At worst, you will soundly beat your old record which you will celebrate by calling trains (Pittsburgh, Pokipsie, and Albuquerque) in the ceramic microphone. (Those cheese nachos looked better an hour ago didn’t they? Ferd.)

4 If you plan to go to the game, do not think it will be a cheap day. If you do, at best you will have sticker shock at the end of the day. At worst, you will overspend to the point that you realize you could have had a trip to a lovely resort. (Who was to know those peanuts prices were by the piece rather than the bag.)

3 If you plan to go to the game, do not sit in a part of the stadium where the away team fans sit and root for your team. If you do, at best everyone will take your loyalties good-naturedly.  At worst, you may find that the guy everyone calls Brutus has finally had it with your cheers and decides to give you a closeup view of a knuckle sandwich. (The view was brief before the lights went out wasn’t it?)

2 If you plan to go to the game, do not keep up a running chatter about the team and individual statistics. If you do, at best you have everyone wanting to move away. At worst, while you impress yourself you are not paying attention to that large man with cauliflower ears who is pushing people out of his way and heading in your direction. (Seems odd that he can pick you up by the neck doesn’t it?)

1 If you plan to attend a game, do not make the assumption that the umpire is not qualified and has been on the waiting list for a Lasic procedure. If you do, at best your accusations of sight and skill problems will fall on deaf ears. At worst, security will help you to a position in the park where no one can hear you. (If you need help you are now in a place where no one can hear you scream. Heh heh heh.)

The inspiration for this list comes up all the time. I, of course, have had the presence of mind not to say any of these things. Not that I have not wanted to say them, but just never wanted to practice a scorched Earth policy when it comes to people living next door.

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Neighbor

10 Do not say to your neighbor, “I see you have a fine crop of weeds.” If you do, at best you will get ignored. At worst, you get an offer to come over and take care of them. (Who wants to weed the neighbor’s lawn? You Bunky?)

9 Do not say to your neighbor, “That music is a little loud.” If you do, at best you might get someone to turn it down. At worst, around midnight, the music will be cranked up to the pain level. (And the drunk neighbor is in his underwear making rude gestures toward your bedroom window.)

8 Do not say to your neighbor, “We have covenants against that dog barking.” If you do, at best the neighbor will tell you what to do with the covenant. At worst, he will think it funny to release the slobbering and apparently irascible beast in your direction. (You never knew you could run that fast. Did you?)

7 Do not say to your neighbor, “You know Sundays are for quiet.” If you do, at best your neighbor will spend extra time with that leaf blower making sure his lawn is just right. At worst, he will take the rest of the day to work on that oak tree using the dullest chainsaw known to man. (Is that your rear molars I hear cracking?)

6 Do not say to your neighbor, “You know we are under water restrictions.” If you do, at best your neighbor will give you a smile and keep watering the street. At worst, your neighbor will take today as the opportunity to fill the pool, wash the car, test the sprinkling system, and take a bath. (I guess he will show you how to spend $300.00)

5 Do not say to your neighbor, “You are supposed to get your paint color approved before you paint.” If you do, at best your neighbor will continue to paint and get approval later. At worst, your neighbor will stop brush painting the delicate gray and start rolling the Barnie Purple. (No good deed goes unpunished does it?)

4 Do not say to your neighbor, “Is that fence approved by the POA?” If you do, at best you will get an offer to pay attention to something that is your business. At worst, you will be the proud half-owner of an eight-foot tall wire fence that has a fine barbed wire at the top on one side of your property. (Might come in handy to keep the neighbors at home, though.)

3 Do not say to your neighbor, “I don’t think I will be able to support your kid’s school’s popcorn sales event this year. If you do, at best you will be guiltified into participating anyway. At worst, you will keep having midnight phone calls. (And there is never anyone there. You swear you can hear the faint sound of popcorn popping in the background.)

2 Do not say to your neighbor, “Can you give us a hand on the clean-up project this weekend?” If you do at best, you will get a straight, “no.” At worst, you will have to listen to all the reasons why helping out is not part of what the neighbor signed up for when moving in. (Hard to stay awake isn’t it?)

1 Do not say to your neighbor, “How about picking up that poop.” If you do, at best you will get a suggestion for self-romance. At worst, you will get into a big argument and eventually end up wearing the poop. (Didn’t quite turn out the way you thought did it?)