Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do In Front of Your Boss

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

Ten things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list came in a discussion with Teagan Geneviene on the ridiculousness of some policies that have been created by bosses. It came to me then to develop a list of things not to let a boss see you do since it could result in a new policy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Front of Your Boss.

10 If your boss is looking, do not laugh. If you do, at best you will raise a question as to why you are not serious about work. At worse, you boss will assume you’ve gotten away with something and will try desperately to find out what it is. (Cozy with your boss camped out in your cube huh, Ferd?)

9 If your boss is looking, do not frown. If you do, at best your boss with think you are unhappy. At worse, you boss with think you have a problem and offer to help you solve it.(” I’m your boss, and I’m here to help you,” are the most feared words right, Buster?)

8 If your boss is looking, do not chat on the phone. If you do, at best your boss will time the call. At worst, it will be assumed you cannot prioritize your work. (How are you enjoying those after work classes on work priorities, Pud?)

7 If your boss is looking, do not leave for lunch. If you do, at best, you boss will feel abandoned. At worse, you boss will question your dedication to the job at hand. (Yeah I know it was just a half hour but will that be of comfort at the unemployment office, Putz?)

6 If your boss is looking, do not allow anyone to visit your cube. If you do, at best it will be assumed you use the office as a social venue. At worst, you’ll be required to fill out a form for every minute of the work day. (Now, did that conversation take two minutes exactly, Bunky?)

5 If your boss is looking, do not yell at a fellow worker no matter how annoying. If you do, at best your boss will put you on the disruptive watch list. At worst, your after hour weekday will be taken up by classes on sensitivity and the rights of others. (Lucky you the other classmate is Tiny the WWF champ who keeps growling at you when the instructor turns away. Don’t worry Buster Tiny hates everyone. Nothing personal)

4 If your boss is looking, do not throw away anything. If you do, at best there will be an after-hours look into your wastebasket. At worst, your boss will report you to the recycle and security departments for a full investigation as to compliance.(What this strip search has to do with recycling is anybody’s guess huh Buford?)

3 If your boss is looking, to not leave your cube without locking your computer. If you do, at best the demerit will put you one over the line. At worst, security will be called to remove your computer for a full disc scan to determine if it has been compromised. (Those online searches for golf clubs look a little embarrassing now don’t they Tex?)

2 If your boss is looking, do not shut your computer down a minute early. If you do, at best you boss will come in and ask a question that will require an embarrassing restart. At worst, you will have an additional set of classes to attend dealing with office hour policy. These classes meet on Saturday, Pard.)

1 If your boss is looking, do not, I repeat, do not, sneak a chew of that gum. If you do, at best you’ll be reminded about the policy about eating at your desk. At worst, the environmental department will be called to set rodent traps, and pest spray your area. (Your request for a gas mask and allergy shots has been denied, Herm.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Transported Back to the Roaring Twenties and a guest appearance by Teagan Ríordáin Geneviene

~ John W. Howell ~ 95 Comments

Three things Serial

 

This week’s list is inspired by Teagan R. Geneviene who is working to release her next 1920’s novel. In a discussion, she wondered aloud what it would be like to be transported back to the roaring twenties. My mind went immediately to the Top Ten things one shouldn’t do if transported. You see, I have the belief that Teagan can do anything she puts her mind to doing. I feel it is my job to warn her in case she is successful. So here is the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You are Transported Back to the Roaring Twenties

10 If you have been transported to the roaring twenties, do not try to pay for anything with the money in your pocket. If you do, at best you’ll be a laughing-stock. At worst, you may be charged with counterfeiting. (Nothing like a little time on bread and water to help that waistline huh, Bunky?)

9 If you have been transported to the roaring twenties, do not let anyone see your iPhone or Apple watch. If you do, at best they will think you are from Hollywood. At worst, you might find yourself tied to a stake on top of a very big pile of wood. (That guy with the kerosene and matches heading this way is not the fire chief, Buford)

8 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties do not think you can tell someone how a computer works in hopes of usurping Bill Gates. If you do, at best you’ll have very confused people trying to understand your directions. At worst, that jacket you are being fitted for is not for show. (Does the name Bellevue ring a bell, Buster?)

7 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties, do not try out your charleston until you see how others do it. If you do, at best those old movies were wrong. At worst, most everyone will assume you have been overserved. (The nice part there are no cell phone videos to go viral huh, Tex?)

6 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties, do not laugh when you are served a martini in a teacup. If you do, at best the bartender will think you are drunk. At worst, the gang may assume you are a Fed and invite you to take a swim while wearing cement overshoes. (Boy, those guys play rough don’t they, Slick.)

5 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties do not wave second-hand cigarette smoke away and claim you are allergic. If you do, at best you might be asked to leave. At worst, Tiny the Bronx wrestling champ and the club bouncer might ask you to leave his way. (You were sure that door was going to stop you from hitting the ally weren’t you, Champ. Oh yes. Tiny says you owe him for a new door.)

4 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties, do not grab a megaphone and start singing Winchester Cathedral. If you do, at best you’ll get strange looks. At worst, people will think you have a crush on Rudy Vallee. (You see Ferd, it would be like singing a Bono song. It’s just not done.)

3 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties do not try to pump your own gas. If you do, at best you won’t be able to crank the pump. At worst, the local service station attendant may think you are after his job. (How did that large monkey wrench feel before you passed out huh, Babe?)

2 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties, do not ask for a doggie bag at the restaurant. If you do, at best you’ll get a raw bone. At worst, the chef might assume you felt his food was only fit for dogs. ( I would not argue with a guy who has such a big knife, Pard. In fact, I would take off running.

1 If you are transported back to the roaring twenties, do not use slang until sure of the proper context. If you do, at best you might insult a few people. At worst, you may have triggered a full-blown riot. (Who knew Twenty-Three Skidoo was a code word for a steelworker rebellion. Not you huh, Putz?)

As a special treat, I also have Teagan as a guest today with a vignette In the Pip of Time. The post is all yours Teagan.

Hello, everyone!  I’m Teagan Ríordáin Geneviene, from the blog, Teagan’s Books.  Thank you, John, for agreeing to do a joint post with me, using one of your fabulous lists of what not to do!  As I get ready for the takeoff of my next 1920s novel, Murder at the Bijou, Three Ingredients-I, I’m doing some collaborative posts with other bloggers.  I’m delighted to be here at Fiction Favorites.

This vignette is set in the Roaring Twenties world of my flapper character, Paisley Idelle Peabody, aka Pip.  (For more about Pip, see The Three Things Serial Story click here.)

Your readers might not know that I’m fond of doing “pantser” stories, written spontaneously, according to random things, provided by readers.  This time I took my three things from numbers nine and ten of John’s list:  Counterfeiting, Time, and Hollywood.  I hope you enjoy this impromptu vignette.  Here goes!

In the Pip of Time

Aelita_1924_still_04

“Aelita, Queen of Mars” was playing at the Bijou Theatre.  I was brand new in town and my pal Alastair Wong invited me to go to the show with a group of his friends.  However, the friends canceled.  To my surprise, Granny Phanny and Dr. Veronica Vale took the tickets.  At first, I couldn’t understand why they would want to see a science fiction film about a soldier, an inventor, and a police informant taking the first flight to Mars.

Veronica reminded Alastair and me that she and Granny had been, and basically would always be suffragettes.  They encouraged films with strong female characters.  Of course, in this story, Aelita is not what she at first seemed and things end badly for her.  Nonetheless, she was a strong character and the two older women wanted to see the show.

Afterward, Granny and Veronica were still animatedly discussing the story as we walked out of the Bijou.  Alastair and I were fascinated by the Hollywood “movie magic” that created the Martian city and the spaceship.  As you might expect our discussion was more whimsical than that of the older generation.

“What if somebody from Mars came here?” Alastair pondered.250px-Princess_of_Mars_large

I always got a kick out of his mildly British accent.  So I was already smiling when I told him Martians would have a tough time fitting in with humans.  It was doubtful that anybody would think they were the bee’s knees! 

A man wearing a bizarre metal hat and strange clothes burst out of the theater.  He tried to close a fancy briefcase as he ran.  Several bills flew out of it.  He grabbed most of them, but I noticed the breeze took one over to a planter.  The man just kept running until he rounded the corner of the Bijou.

Out of curiosity, Alastair and I followed him to the dead end alley behind the theater.  We backed against the wall, when a moment later a woman ran after him.  She had pointy cone shaped things over her ears.  Though no one was with her, she spoke as if in conversation with someone.  She held something that must have been a large gun, although it didn’t look quite like any shooter I’d ever seen.  She pointed it at the man and yelled for him to stop.

Gods_of_Mars-1918 Edgar Rice Burroughs

Then she fired the gun — I think.  At least she pointed it and seemed to shoot it, but I didn’t see it do anything.  However, the trash can six feet ahead of the guy exploded.  He looked at her fearfully, but he kept running.  So she threw a whirling thingamajig at his feet, causing him to fall.

The woman jumped on him, with her knee in his back, pinning him to the ground.  She muttered something about “low-life securities thief.”  He grunted at the pressure from her knee.

Then she spotted Alastair and me.  We shrank further against the wall.  The odd gun looked even bigger when she pointed it at us.  That bearcat had a fierce glare, I can tell you.  To my astonishment she abruptly started laughing.

Sci Fi Costume 1920s woman.png

“I could warn you not to tell anyone what you just saw,” she stopped chortling long enough to say.  “But if you did, they’d think you were insane.”

Still chuckling, she touched one of the pointy cones that covered her ears.  She and the man disappeared into thin air!  It was as if they had never been there at all — except for the exploded remains of the trash can.

Alastair and I exchanged wide-eyed looks, speechless.  He made an obviously uncomfortable attempt at laughing.

“Those Hollywood types.  They’ll do anything to promote a film.”

“But there was nobody to see that but us,” I managed to say, though it was more of a squeak.  “It wouldn’t be much of a promo.”

I headed back around the corner, remembering the paper that fell out of the odd man’s briefcase.  The man had missed one and I saw it land in a planter.  I plucked it out of the greenery.

“That looks like mazuma,” Alastair whispered.  “Cash money!  But it’s not any currency I’ve ever seen.  Maybe it’s counterfeit.”

Inspecting it closely I nodded and turned the paper over to read both sides.  “It says ‘Federal Reserve Note’ but you’re right.  It must be counterfeit.  It’s odd looking, but even if it was from some other country, they’ve got the date wrong.  It says 2419.  As if maybe somebody transposed the date.”

Alastair and I continued to stare at one another.  Now and then one or the other of us would take a breath, start to say something, and then shrug mutely.

Finally, I summoned the only words I could.  “I wouldn’t mind getting spifflicated about now.”

Alastair agreed.

The end.

***

1920s Man on Moon Drinking

If you want to know more about the upcoming 1920s culinary mystery, Murder at the Bijou, Three Ingredients-I, click here.

 

Copyright © 2017 by Teagan Ríordáin Geneviene

All rights reserved.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Traveling by a Train

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

 

California Zephyr

The inspiration for this list is the fact that my producer is on the Amtrack California Zephyr from Davis California to Omaha Nebraska. She will be enjoying the route through the High Sierras and will be spending two nights on the train. The idea was to go with girlfriends and take a historic route to their final destination of Omaha. There she will be watching the Longines FEI world cup horse jumping and dressage finals. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Traveling by Train

10 If you are traveling by train, do not think you can sit just anywhere. If you do, at best you may be lucky and not take someone’s seat. At worst, you’ll get comfortable only to discover Tiny the WWF champ has a seat reservation where you are sitting. (Notice how quickly Tiny reacts when things don’t go his way, Bunky.)

9 If you are traveling by train, don’t forget to charge your phone before getting on. If you do forget, at best you will have to limit your calls. At worst, you will be without your phone when you need to send that text to your boss in answer to the question, “where the hell are you?”(Seems you forgot to tell the boss you were going on vacation huh, Ferd?)

8 If you are traveling by train, don’t forget a blanket or sweater. If you do, at best you’ll get chilled. At worst, trying to use your seatmate’s blanket might get you arrested for assault. (Maybe you should have asked before rolling over with it, Buford.)

7 If you are traveling by train, do not talk louder than those around you. If you do, at best you may get into an argument with someone bigger. At worst, you and your bags might be offloaded at the next stop which is a thousand miles from nowhere. (That mail hook was a bit of an insult huh, Pard?)

6 If you are traveling by train, do not walk around without your shoes. If you do, at best you may step on something that moves. At worst, you may need to re-evaluate how much you need those last pair of sock after the visit to the restroom. (This is not the beach, Buster. Shoes are required.)

5 If you are traveling by train, do not forget to take something to read. If you do, at best you’ll get tired of reading the safety messages in the coach. At worst, you’ll begin talking with someone who obviously was just released from a mental care facility. (Your hint should have been the focus on picking lint off your sweater that wasn’t there, Bud.)

4 If you are traveling by train, do not forget to bring snacks and water. If you do, at best the train provisions will be expensive. At worst, the last bottle of water and bag of chips will be auctioned off to the highest bidder after the twelve-hour delay at Donner Pass. (That name rings a bell doesn’t it, Tex?)

3 If you are traveling by train, do not leave your bag unattended in the overhead rack. If you do, at best you’ll be traveling with a group of nuns on the way to a retreat. At worst, whatever was in your bag will be for sale in the next car. (If you hurry you might be able to buy back your underwear, Putz.)

2 If you are traveling by train, do not walk around with a full drink. If you do, at best any spills will hit the aisle. At worst, the last lurch caused your cup to empty on the head of that enormous man in the seat you fell into. (That low growl you are hearing is not part of the train function, Guy. I would run.)

1 If you are traveling by train, do not forget where to get off. If you do, at best you can catch the next train back in twenty-four hours. At worst, the railroad detective will finally release you after several hours of investigation into the stowaway charge. (Why you decided to ride to the end of the line is anybody’s guess, Pal.)

Ten Things Not to Do at The Final Four Playoffs

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

March Madness

 

The inspiration for this list—Wait! have you been put to sleep for the last couple of weeks? You know the inspiration so here goes.

Ten Things Not to Do in the Final Four Playoffs

10 Do not fall sleep overnight outside in Phoenix without a tent. If you do at best, you may get a scorpion bite. At worst, you may be hauled off by a pack of coyotes who have you confused with a large sheep. (No, these guys aren’t inviting you home for dinner Roscoe. You are dinner.)

9 Do not think the public intoxication laws are not in force during the tournament. If you do, at best you’ll avoid all the testing blockades. At worst, you will be asked to walk a straight line that is all but impossible if you were sober. (Well a nice ride in the patrol car is an interesting way to spend the evening huh, Buford?)

8 Do not believe the locals who tell you the sun in Phoenix is not fierce in March. If you do, At best you’ll have an uncomfortable night’s sleep. At worst, you will be the first sunburn victim admitted to the burn trauma unit at the hospital. ( At least your picture is in the paper, Ferd. Of course, the headline reads “Idiot Let’s Self Get Burned.”)

7 Do not pay attention to the KissCam in the arena. If you do, at best your date will think you are proposing. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ sitting next to you will think you are proposing and wants you to know he says yes.( Don’t try to get out of this one claiming a mistake, Tex. Tiny doesn’t take well to hurt feelings.)

6 Do not take that 32oz drink into the stands unless you have an easy way out. If you do, at best you will have to hold everything for the entire game. At worst, you will struggle through the row only to block the view of the biggest guy in the stadium just as the winning basket is made.(Guess what Roy? His team lost. I think he may blame you.)

5 Do not paint your face with your team’s colors. If you do, at best your parents won’t be watching the game to see how they are wasting that tuition. At worst, the paint was the wrong kind, and now you are sitting in a job interview explaining your blue and gold complexion. (You didn’t want that job. After all, it was your dream would have paid one hundred grand a year huh, Bunky?)

4 Do not watch the tournament while at work. If you do, at best you will not get caught. At worst, you might get your job and the tournament confused like telling those twelve fights to hold during the penalty free throw. (You always take your job as an air traffic controller seriously don’t you, Bosco?)

3 Do not yell for the entire game. If you do, at best you’ll be reduced to a whisper. At worse, you’ll get a phone call from your agent who is wanting you to accept that movie deal on your book. (Unfortunately, he can’t hear you, and the offer expires in five minutes, Putz)

2 Do not think food in the arena is calorie free. If you do, at best you’ll be facing a slight weight gain. At worst, you will need to revisit that reduction program since all the tension of the game was channeled through your mouth. (Looks like six months of salad and water got wiped out in a single afternoon, huh Bub?)

1 Do not take your frustration in losing the tournament out on other drivers on the way home. If you do, at best you’ll get home safely. At worst, you’ll meet your road rage match, and he’s driving a military grade four by four. ( You can use that flat car as a sled next winter can’t you, Buba?)

Top Ten Things Not to do in The Back of a Police Car

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

Spring Break

 

Spring break inspires many things. There are enough police interventions during this time to be an inspiration for some stories. I picked a small segment of time and provide advice to those who find themselves behind the grid so to speak.

Top Ten Things Not to do in The Back of a Police Car

By John W. Howell © 2017

10 In the back of a police car, do not start a campfire thinking you need to stay warm. If you do, at best the foam extinguisher may make your face break out. At worst, your dad will not answer your call, and the judge is remanding you over for psychological evaluation. (Looks like the cost of the car and long-term care will be on you, Pumpkin)

9 In the back of a police car, do not remove your clothes. If you do, at best you will be asked to put them back on. At worst, in addition to all the charges so far you have added indecent exposure. (Let’s see how this plays in the hometown paper, Bunky)

8 In the back of a police car, do not sing Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. If you do, at best you will be on key with no consequences. At worst, your performance will be videotaped and go viral showing up at every job interview background check for the next ten years. (Wonder why it’s so hard to find work, Buford?)

7 In the back of a police car, do not try to kick your way out. If you do, at best you may sprain an ankle. At worst, the resisting arrest charge will require arm and leg restraints for every court appearance. (Nothing makes one look guilty quite as much as chains huh, Tex?)

6 In the back of a police car, do not try hysterical crying as a method of possible release.  If you do, at best you may be locked up for your own protection. At worst, you may find yourself strapped to a gurney under observation at the local hospital. (This was not an intended result was it, Bucky?)

5 In the back of a police car, do not think you are in a public restroom. If you do, at best you find no place to wash up. At worst, you will notice the name tag on the officer now holding you around the neck which reads, “Tiny.” (You didn’t know this was Tiny’s (WWF champ) favorite car did you, Slug? Now it might be a little too late.)

4 In the back of a police car, do not whine about the tight handcuffs. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worse, your cuffs will be traded out for a full straight jacket. (Makes the cuffs seem like a luxury right, Pard?)

3 In the back of a police car do not try to tell the officers how mush of a mistake they are making in arresting you. If you do, at best they will continue to ignore you. At worst, instead of a short ride and warning, they may personally drive you to the county jail and book you in. (Nothing like making it tougher on yourself huh, Slick?)

2 In the back of a police car do not wave and smile at everyone you pass. If you do, at best no one knows who you are. At worst, unbeknownst to you, some your parent’s friends witnessed your procession. (Those scholarship funds just aren’t going to cover all your college expenses now that you are cut off are they, Buster?)

1 In the back of a police car, pray you don’t get sick. If you do at best maybe the prayer will be answered. At worst, your prayer has been ignored, and you are now faced with two angry police officers and a very messy backseat. (Tomorrow morning ought to be a beaut huh, Roscoe?)

Ten Things Not to Do on a Road Trip

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

Road trip

The inspiration for this list came with President’s Day weekend. A lot of people are on road trips, and at least maybe they will read this before heading back home today. I always look back fondly on those road trips so many years ago.

Ten Things Not to Do on a Road Trip

10 On a road trip, do not let the kids claim their own space in the back. If you do, at best the territory claims will be endless. At worst, you’ll have to separate them and sit with your knees under your chin. (You forgot about the hump huh, Bunky?)

9 On a road trip, do not start the 100 bottles of beer on the wall song. If you do, at best everyone will get tired after ten. At worst, one of the kids will insist on going the whole distance. (How’s that toothache doing, Ferd?)

8 On a road trip, do not miss stating all the rules of I Spy. If you do, at best a small loophole will allow multiple winners. At worst, forgetting the “in the car” rule means little princess will hold out for 100 miles before declaring her item was a bird on the wire. (Yes, Tex. It was the bird 100 miles back.)

7 On a road trip, do not allow anyone into Buckys without a pre-set budget. If you do, at best you can justify the expense by the bonus points on the credit card. At worst, the manager of Bucky’s wants to sell your car to cover the bill. (What kind of rest stop has diamond covered boots huh, Pilgrim?)

6 On a road trip, do not think every tunnel is short enough to hold your breath all the way to the end. If you do, at best you’ll hit a long one and will have to breathe. At worst, little Tiny the future WWF champ who is a great competitor will be blue by the time you emerge. (No one told him to give up, Buster.)

5 On a road trip, if you are the driver do not hold up your feet over the railroad tracks. If you do, at best you won’t have a close call. At worst, you might be caught short if you need to make a quick stop. (If that semi in your lane, Buford?)

4 On a road trip, do not set unreasonable expectations around the number of license plates needed to be spotted to finish the game. If you do, at best everyone will be discouraged and quit. At worst, you most competitive child will keep going until they have all fifty. (Good luck on that Hawaii plate, Pal.)

3 On a road trip, do not allow the kids to pick their own snacks. If you do, at best you’ll need to run the car through a car wash when you get home. At worst, you will be peeling them off the ceiling after the mega sugar high hits. (You enjoy the screaming too don’t you Slick?)

2 On a road trip, do not let anyone in the car read the Stuckey’s signs. If you do, at best you’ll have to stop every hundred miles. At worst, you’ll have so many log rolls, divinities and clusters you will be able to open your own store.( Not to mention the dentist bill, right Ralph?)

1 On a road trip, do not insist that everyone hold it until the gas stop. If you do, at best the last ten miles will be very tense. At worst, you might be on the receiving end of a family mutiny. (You never realize how strong those kids did you, Jake?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wine Tasting

~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

Wine Tasting

 

The inspiration for this list is attendance at some wine tasting events in my time. My wife worked as a marketing person for a winery in Northern California and was required to taste wine every week. Of course, she was a professional and would take delight in witnessing some of the events listed. Since I was well schooled by her, I never made these faux pas. (I would have died on the spot if I had.) I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not insist on special glasses to claim to have a full tasting experience. If you do, at best the rest of the gathering will take you for an idiot. At worst, the host will produce special glasses, and then you will be on the spot to render an erudite opinion. (Up to tonight your experience has been Boon’s Farm Apple Red right, Buford?)

9 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not throw back the wine as if it is a shot of tequila. If you do, at best your drink preference and sophistication will show through. At worst, you will find yourself all alone as the discussion turns to the merits of the wine. (No one cares what you think about wine and probably think your chewing tobacco will get in the way of an honest opinion anyway, Tex.)

8 If you are attending a wine tasting, don’t forget the crackers are to cleanse the palette, not a meal. If you do, at best the host will move them away from you. At worst, you might be subtly offered a place in the kitchen where the host promises a bucket of fried chicken and a six-pack of Keystone Light. (You think that offer might be not so bad until you see the look on your spouse’s face huh, Bunky?)

7 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not start describing the various flavors of the wine unless you know what you are talking about. If you do, at best you will get polite nods at your incredible ignorance. At worst someone will ask the host to send you to the store for more crackers. (You will find out coal oil is not a legitimate taste on the flavor wheel, Buster.)

6 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not try to sneak Two- Buck Chuck in a brown bag into the line-up.If you do, at best the host security system video will show your placement of the bottle. At worst, one of the wine snobs will involuntarily spew the wine on Tiny the WWF champ.(Right now Tiny is going from guest to guest demanding to know who brought the wine. You have always been a bad liar, and your turn is next right, Weenie?)

5 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not forget you are not supposed to swallow the wine. If you do, at best you will need a ride home. At worst, you will decide to inform all the guests just what you think of each personally identifying what you consider a flaw in their personality needing correction. (The next morning is going to be a beauty especially when you learn what you called your boss.)

4 If you are attending a wine tasting, it is best not to wear a white shirt. If you forget, at best you are very careful and escape embarrassment. At worst, someone asks a question and surprises you just as you raise the glass to your lips. (Maybe that shirt will make a nice car wax rag or a tie-dye coverup.)

3 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not over swirl your wine. If you do at best, your glass will be big enough to keep the wine under control. At worst, your red wine swirl will go outside the glass, and land on the white linen couch which the host just explained was made to order and arrived this afternoon. (Make no mistake you are now the proud owner of a stained couch, Cowboy.)

2 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not ask for ice for your wine. If you do, at best your host will take your wine. At worst your host will ask you to go to the convenience store to pick up a twenty-pound bag. (It is hoped that the tasting is over before you can return, Slick.)

1 If you are attending a wine tasting, try not to argue with experts about the quality of a particular wine. If you do, at best even if you are right you will look particularly brutish. At worst, one of the experts just got his graduation certificate from the anger management course mandated by the courts after being arrested for assaulting a wine steward at a restaurant for disagreeing with him on wine quality. (Looks like a knuckle sandwich is on the menu, Pal.)

Top Ten Excuses Not to Use For Skipping Work

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

Ten Reasons not to go to work

 

The inspiration for this list comes from the memory of having to return to the day job after a long weekend like we are having now. It seems the wounds are just beginning to heal and it is time to go back to battle only to be reopened again. This list has been developed so that the temptation to stay home on Tuesday is successfully avoided.

Top Ten Excuses Not to Use For Skipping Work

10 If you want to skip work, do not tell the boss your dog ate your driver’s license. If you do,  at best your boss will wonder why you can’t take public transportation. At worst, your boss will send a car only to discover that you are still in your pajamas. (What made you think the boss was going to be working and allow you to stay home huh, Bunky?)

9 If you want to skip work, do not call in holding your nose to support your sickness claim. If you do, at best the boss will think you were overserved over the holiday. At worst, you will get a call from human resources with your appointment at the substance abuse treatment center. (That went well didn’t it, Bosco?)

8 If you want to skip work, do not blame the weather for not getting to the office. If you do, at best you will be the only one not at the office. At worst, the weather that you thought was going to hit your town moved out of the area. (Here you are looking at the sun trying to explain the absence of snow, sleet, and ice. Better luck next time, Buford.)

7 If you want to skip work, do not blame a mechanical failure of your auto. If you do, at best some boss sycophant will volunteer to come get you. At worst, you’ll be at the drive through for lunch, and your boss will be in the car behind you. (At least you got the morning before you magically made the repair. Right Bucky?)

6 If you want to skip work, do not pretend you are out-of-town, and the planes are all grounded. If you do, at best there will be some bad weather somewhere, and you picked it right. At worst, just after hanging up with the boss, a newscast will come on extolling the fact that for the first time ever there were no flight delays. (Well, you will have an additional story to tell tomorrow. Right Bud. How about the fact that your plane was hijacked?)

5 If you want to skip work, do not use the excuse that your spouse is ill and needs care. If you do, at best the sympathy calls will give you little rest. At worst, the knowledge of the collection at work and the bouquet of flowers that shows up in the afternoon convince you to quit. (This was not the outcome you wanted. Or was it. Roscoe?)

4 If you want to skip work, do not report to the boss that you are telecommuting. If you do, at best you will get some additional assignments and be forced to work anyway. At worst, you will get a critical call that goes unanswered which triggers a massive shutdown of IT systems. (You forgot about the fail-safe hacking control. It is a shame since you set it up, Bubba)

3 If you want to skip work, do not report you have an off-site meeting with a customer. At best, you can always say the client canceled the meeting. At worst, you get a call from the boss who decided to meet you at the customer’s office letting you know the client is in Bangkok. (Now is the time to try to carry off the fact that you are in Bangkok as well. Good luck with that, Rube)

2 If you want to skip work, do not set up an elaborate scheme that includes throwing a punch at Tiny the WWF Champion. If you do, at best the detailed plan will fall through. At worst, your stay in the hospital will not compensate for the one day off. (Why you decided to throw a punch at Tiny is still being debated in the halls of the company. You did pick up some street cred, though, Buddy.)

1 If you want to skip work, do not enlist fellow workers as co-conspirators in whatever excuse you decide to use. If you do, at best you will owe the favor. At worst, the boss will get a confession out of the weakest link, and you will be given up in a heartbeat. (I guess you could have predicted the result. Couldn’t you Sucker?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do the Day After Christmas

~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

Day After Christmas

 

10 On the day after Christmas, do venture out to return gifts. If you do, at best due to the lines you will get to return three in eight hours. At worse, you will encounter conditions much like warfare and require treatment for PGRTS. (Post Gift Return Traumatic Syndrome is nothing to take lightly Buford.)

9 On the day after Christmas, do not watch a bowl game. If you do, at best, it won’t keep you awake. At worst, the two teams will be so bad you will totally regret the time spent watching. (You never realized a schedule made up entirely six loss teams could be so boring did you Bunky. Bunky? You awake?)

8 On the day after Christmas, do not go out to dinner. If you do, at best you will avoid ptomaine poisoning. At worst, you will be eating in a place where all the full-time help have been given the day off, and the only thing on the menu is chipped beef on toast. (You didn’t know that tonight’s chef  typically works in prison did you, Roy?)

7 On the day after Christmas, do not decide to take in a movie. If you do, at best you’ll finally get into the midnight show. At worst, you will be jammed into a theater with 300 victims of swine flu. (Didn’t all that coughing give you a hint Wilbur?)

6 On the day after Christmas, do not fall for the Day After Christmas sale. If you do, at best you’ll find something cheaper than what you paid for Aunt Millie’s gift. At worst, you will find your hand on the same item as the WWF champ Tiny. (Tiny is growling. In one more second he will be doing his death match biting routine. I would let go now.)

5 On the day after Christmas, do not get on a ladder to fix that burned out light in the blinking string. If you do, at best you may cause the whole series to go out. At worst, you might do your Olympic swan dive with a degree of difficulty of 4.6 and get an EMS score of 10. (Why was it easier to put them up there? Oh yeah, you did them ten years ago when you were still under 65.)

4 On the day after Christmas, do not ask for a special menu that does not include leftovers. If you do, at best you might be wearing your dinner. At worst, you might have the time to be wondering why you never put heat in the dog house. ( Not much room after Bowser take his spot is there Ferd?)

3 On the day after Christmas, do not think you can avoid fixing all the high-quality toys that took the kids three minutes to break. If you do, at best the damage will increase. At worst, you may have to suffer from the din of dissatisfied kids. (You do know they do that on purpose don’t you Ralph?)

2 On the day after Christmas, do not bother everyone with that new video camera you received. If you do, at best you may be told to leave the house and go record birds or something. At worst, your camera will be confiscated and only eligible for return after New Year’s day. (Why on Earth did you get a gift that no one wants to enjoy with you? Maybe it was the one hundred hints that drove the decision.)

1 On the day after Christmas, do not try to make up for the lousy gifts you gave everyone. If you do, at best it will cost way more than you have. At worst, your efforts will not be appreciated and will serve as the basis for lessons to your children. (Next year start shopping before December 24th Oliver.)

Top Ten Things Not to do At The Dining Room Table

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

Dining room table

The inspiration for this list came from the just completed Thanksgiving feast. I was very observant and did not see any of these things at our dining room table. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 At the dining room table, do not burp out loud. If you do at best, you can recover with an “excuse me.” At worst, all the relatives will now have verified evidence that you are an animal. (They long suspected it was true and you just gave them confirmation, Ferd)

9 At the dining room table, do not help yourself to food from someone else’s plate. If you do, at best you’ll be told to stop. At worst, your cousin Tiny, the WWF champ, will demonstrate a new hold. (Quit whining. That hand will be okay once you get a cast, Bunky)

8 At the dining room table, do not chew your food with your mouth open. If you do, at best you will gross out your family. At worst, grandma will take the opportunity to lecture everyone on proper manners. (Nothing like a two-hour tutorial on chewing with your mouth closed to put everyone on edge)

7 At the dining room table, do not assume your hostess meant for you to eat the fruit and nasturtiums out of the centerpiece. If you do, at best you will be thought of as odd. At worst, your hostess will calmly advise everyone that the centerpiece is to be donated to the local old folks home and she would appreciate it if there was something left to give. (Your face and the red table runner are the same color, huh Wheezer)

6 At the dining room table, do not talk about sex, politics, or religion. If you do, at best no one will follow suit. At worst, you will be the root cause of a donnybrook that does not have a good ending. (Those police officers are here to escort you to the station, Bud. It seems your brother-in-law didn’t take kindly to the wine bottle bonk.)

5 At the dining room table, do not insist on rolling in the TV to watch football. If you do, at best this will be your last invitation to dinner. At worst, your table mates will shout to each other above the noise of the game, and it won’t be worth the hassle. (Did you ever think you should be on a deserted island, Buster?)

4 At the dining room table, do not text or otherwise use your phone. If you do, at best your family’s looks should make you stop. At worst, someone will finally pluck the phone from your hand. (If you’re lucky they won’t dump it in the gravy bowl)

3 At the dining room table, do not make any Earth-shattering announcements. If you do, at best the long silence will be a killer. At worst, everyone will be thrown into disarray and will surely be sorry for whatever they said in reaction later. (Surely you could have waited to announce you were running away to join the circus, Chum)

2 At the dining room table, do not do your best imitation of a strong silent type. If you do, at best the conversation will be on everything but your interests. At worst, your table mates will believe something is bothering you and won’t let it rest until you come clean. (They were sure surprised to learn that  what they see is what they get )

1 At the dining room table, do not think you need to race everyone to the finish. If you do, at best you’ll be waiting a long time for others to finish. At worst, the general impression will be that you haven’t had a good meal for a while. (That sure flies in te face of all that success bragging you were doing before dinner, huh Bruce?)