This list was inspired by a light that came on.

Ten Things Not to Do If Your Engine Light Comes On.

10 If your engine light comes on do not panic. If you do, at best you may make things worse by being rattled. At worst, you may pull off the road in a panicked state and keep rolling past the shoulder and into a culvert below.

9 If your engine light comes on, do not consult your owner’s manual until you come to a stop. If you do, at best you won’t find the section inconspicuously marked “Warning Indicator – Engine” and you’ll have to stop anyway. At worst, you will be concentrating on trying to use the index to find the subject matter and inadvertently run into the stopped care in front of you. In any case the index will be of no help.

8 If your engine light comes on, do not try to ignore it. If you do, at best you will be continually reminded that something is wrong. At worst, your engine light bulb will burn out and you will think the trouble has magically cleared up until you hear the rending screech of metal marking the final moments of the life of your engine.

7 If your engine light comes on, do not think this is a normal function of the car’s systems. If you do, at best you will only have a minor additional repair. At worst, you may be saying goodbye to your trusty car as you watch it disappear into the local u-pull-it parts depot.

6 If your engine light comes on, do not attempt to diagnose the problem yourself. If you do, at best you may end up at the mechanic since you couldn’t find the problem. At worst, you may have misdiagnosed the problem and be happily motoring along in a remote area as you see the light again followed by billowing clouds of smoke after passing the last gas station for one hundred miles sign, fifty miles ago.

5 If your engine light comes on, do not think it is a nice accompaniment to the soft romantic music on the radio. If you do, at best you may not be able to start your car someday. At worst, you could be seeing the beginning of the end of the soft music and your car.

4 If your engine light comes on, do not pretend it doesn’t bother you. If you do, at best you will have unsettled moments until you come to grips with the fact there is trouble. At worst, the light will trigger long suppressed anxieties which could cause a major episode requiring hours of psychological help which would make the repair bill on the car look cheap.

3 If your engine light comes on, do not think your car is irreparably damaged.  If you do, at best you will lose confidence in its reliability. At worst, you will take unreasonable steps to get rid of the car which could lead to significant loss of funds and peace of mind especially if you shove it off a cliff and are cited by the state police for littering.

2 If your engine light comes on, do not suggest to your spouse that you trade cars for a change. If you do, at best your spouse will have to deal with the problem. At worst, the problem is so acute your spouse breaks down on the freeway and a gang of carjackers come along, strip and burn your car. In addition, your spouse thinks the lawless lifestyle looks pretty romantic and joins their gang and now sports an “I Strip for a Living” tattoo on the back. (With big wings)

1 If your engine light comes on, do not drive the car to anyplace but the mechanic. If you, at best you may have a small repair bill which could get bigger. At worst, the problem will continue to get bigger until you are no longer in control of your car. You will become its bitch with all the negative attention related to the title.

This list was created to pay homage to all of you parents who in addition to trying to be an author have the duty to take care of the little ones in your care. I’ve been there and got the shirt.

Ten Things Not to Do While Watching the Kids on an Inclement Day

10 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to write on your novel. If you do, at best you will produce a small number of very disappointing words. At worst, you will face a task as difficult as trying to teach a pig to sing. You and the pig will end up being very frustrated.

9 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to watch anything on TV that isn’t kid programming. If you do, at best you won’t be able to see a thing. At worst, you will answer the door to see CPS agents with a warrant ready to take the kids because of the complaints your neighbors filed due to the non-stop screaming.

8 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not play games on your phone or notebook. If you do, at best the kids will want to play as well. At worst, your attention will be diverted for enough time for the kids to get into every drawer including that secret place where you hide adult toys. (And they will come to you and ask what these are for just when the church group leader stops by for a visit)

7 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to talk on the phone. If you do, at best you must be prepared to hold the kids the whole time. At worst, whoever you are talking to will wonder who is in charge in your home, why you are so mean to your lovable children and what was that crash?

6 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to make anything in the kitchen that doesn’t have the word lunch connected to it. If you do, at best you will have little helpers which will make the project twice as long. At worst, you will invest your time and energy into something that when served contains a stray toy that you swore was safely on the other counter. The person getting the toy contaminated serving will be one of your in laws

5 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to play their favorite game. If you do, at best they will refuse to play since they sense your desperation. At worst, they will pretend their favorite game is avoiding playing their favorite game thereby challenging you to stay away from the soothin’ syrup in the liquor cabinet.

4 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not call the neighbor for help. If you do, at best your neighbor is in as desperate a condition and two problems won’t help. At worst, you will have an IOU which you can never repay other than watching the neighbor’s kids at a time that is most critical for you to be able to work in peace.

3 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not think you can go to the store to kill time. If you do, at best it will take all your strength to keep an even temperament and to return all the items grabbed off the shelves. At worst, you and the kids will be asked to leave the story by the same manager who before today was more than happy to take thousands of dollars when you shopped alone.

2 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not be tempted to lock yourself in the bedroom. If you do at best, the kids will not miss you. At worst, the kids will use the time to act out their ultimate stories including the fire-breathing dragon and jousting tournament using things around the house for props. (You know, like the Crème Brule torch and a broom).

1 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day do not take them to the library. If you do, at best the peace of the library will be shattered since being quiet is an invitation to do otherwise. At worst, you will find the normally placid library patrons and personnel looking like a zombie herd as they slowly circle you and your family. The outcome doesn’t look like it’s going to be good.

This list was inspired by observing the behaviors of my co-workers when the boss had to leave the office for business travel or vacation. To be clear, I personally never did any of these things since I was always taking notes and was a goodie two shoes. (Don’t forget I’m a fiction writer). Hope you like.

Ten Things Not to Do When Your Boss is Traveling or on Vacation

10 If the boss is out of the office, do not think your workload has been reduced for the length of time the boss is gone. If you do, at best you will get away with the slowdown. At worst, you will be asked by the boss for a status of your projects first thing in the morning of the boss’ return.

9 If the boss is out of the office, do not think you will make brownie points with your boss’ boss. If you do, at best your boss’ boss with think you an opportunist. At worst, the boss’ boss just might give you a ton of extra projects to complete before your boss gets back.

8 If the boss is out of the office, do not think it is your job to be the new boss. If you do, at best your co-workers will ignore you. At worst, your co-workers will actually come to you for decisions on projects that the boss has refused to consider. Your reward will be fully realized when the boss gets back.

7 If the boss is out of the office do not think the dress code is suspended. If you do, at best you’ll be ratted out to the boss by the weenie in the cube next to you. At worst, the boss will come back early and call you into a meeting with the big boss Lederhosen and all.

6 If the boss is out of the office do not think you are due three-hour lunches. If you do, at best you will make your co-workers upset. At worst your boss asked HR to keep an eye on the department and make note of the hours kept by all and you have a number of hours to make up.

5 If your boss is out of the office do not think you can organize an in office football game with the boss’ office on one end and the VP’s office on the other as the goal posts. If you do, at best the team that loses will rat you out to the boss. At worst, although it was supposed to be two-handed touch, Bruno from sales decided to repeat his performance as an All-American tackle. As a result of the hospitalizations, HR and security have been looking for you for days.

4 If your boss is out of the office, do not think you can requisition all the supplies your boss has denied. If you do, at best the supplies will be delivered to your boss’ office for dispersion. At worst, your boss will return to find the budget for supplies has been severally compromised and instead of asking what happened, contacts the internal department of investigation with a fraud investigation request.

3 If your boss is out of the office, do not think you have a carte blanche on business entertainment. If you do, at best you will be asked to reimburse the company for unauthorized expenses. At worst, your co- workers all join you for the meal and thinking you can submit it as a team expense only to find out you will still need to reimburse the company for an unauthorized expense. You also find none of your co-workers knows who you are nor remember any meal.

2 If your boss is out of the office, do not think of bending the alcohol rules for the monthly birthday celebration. If you do, At best the same weenie will rat you out to the boss. At worst, you will have sponsored the best birthday party ever experienced by the team, but unfortunately the party was finally broken up by a city SWAT team after HR and security gave up trying to restore order. Subsequently every attendee claimed to have been drugged without their knowledge and your fingerprints are all over the punch bowl.

1 If your boss is out of the office, do not think you are able to take all the days off. If you do, at best you will not be discovered missing until someone needs a stapler which you have the only one in the office. At worst, you will not be missed until your boss returns early to deal with a problem with one of your accounts due to the fact that the client called the president of the company since they could not reach you. Good luck in the new job hunt.

Ten things not to do when trying to decide what to watch on TV

This list was inspired by a recent visit to a friend’s house and observing some of the ways the friend decided which shows to watch.

10 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not take a suggestion from anyone ages fourteen to eighteen. If you do, at best you will be lost in the translation. At worst, you will see and hear things that will keep you up at night.

9 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not use the newspaper reviews as a guide to good programming. If you do, at best you will be asleep earlier than normal. At worst, you might find yourself wondering if you should discontinue your cable service.

8 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, don’t ask someone else what they want to watch. If you do, at best you will get an icy stare when you ignore the suggestion. At worst, you may end up watching this and other shows in the privacy of the garage.

7 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not scroll through the guide hoping something good will jump out at you. If you do, at best you will have to review one-hundred and sixty channels that are basically the same. At worst, those in the room may call an audible and you will lose your remote privileges for heaven knows how long.

6 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not call a friend for a suggestion. If you do, at best the friend will want a report on the show. At worst, you will hate the show and either lie to the friend or turn a friend into an enemy.

5 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch and your in-laws are there, simply hand over the remote. If you don’t, at best they’ll miss their favorite show and hate you forever. At worst, they might like your selection and decide to return on the nights that it is on since they can’t remember which channel to tune.

4 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch and your significant other wants to do something else, turn the set off. If you don’t, at best you be watching the show alone. At worst, you might be watching the show and it will be your only company for the long cold winter.

3 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not rely on the network hype about the “best new show of the season.” If you do you do, at best you might waste a half hour. At worst, you might waste a whole night depending on how many network hypes you followed.

2 If you are trying to decide which show to watch on TV, do not think the DVR will help. If you do, at best you may end up with a bunch of shows and no disk space. At worst you may have recorded all the clinkers of the season and while reviewing them miss the best.

1 If you are trying to decide which show to watch on TV, do not use any kind of gambling prop to help with the decision. If you do, at best the odds of getting something you want to watch are the same as the odds against you. At worst, your prop will be no more favorable to you in selecting a good show to watch than it has been in delivering sure thing winners.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Having a garage Sale.

This list was inspired by a recent weekend of visiting a number of garage sales in the search of nautical artifacts that were supposed to be available in different locations.

10 If you have a garage sale, do not stock the inventory with all junk. If you do, at best you will look like you are down and out. At worst, you won’t make many sales since everyone has enough junk that looks and smells like yours at home.If you have a garage sale, do not advertise items that you don’t intend to sell. If you do, at best you can tell the folks the item is already sold.

9 If you have a garage sale, do not advertise items that you don’t intend to sell. If you do, at best you can tell the folks the item is already sold. At worst, you may have some early birds who will know the item isn’t sold and will have to deal with the subsequent mob who will convince you to go get the item in question or face walking the plank.

8 If you have a garage sale, do not put a child in charge of collecting money. If you do, at best your child will feel the impatience of the line that has formed since making change is not your child’s life skill. At worst, you may get a pirate who will be tempted to empty the cash box and steal the child to collect money at other garage sales to continue the cycle forever.

7 If you have a garage sale, do not sit in a big overstuffed chair eating chicken. If you do, at best some of your buyers will be disgusted and leave. At worst, you might lose your chicken to the highest bidder and have no say so in the matter.

6 If you have a garage sale, do not offer for sale any clothing that has not been washed. If you do, at best you will end up with the same inventory which you started out the day. At worst, you will be forced to discount the clothes to the point where some pirate will talk you into paying to remove the stuff.

5 If you have a garage sale, do not offer any eight track stereo tapes for sale. If you do, at best your age will automatically be transparent to all attendees over the age of forty. At worst, you will actually get a buyer who will insist on playing the choices before buying and you won’t have a player which this person has in the car and will loan you while staying and listening in your house for the next week since he has nowhere else to go.

4 If you have a garage sale, do not think the Ty Beanie babies are still thought of as rare finds. If you do, at best they will be priced unreasonably and you‘ll still have them at the end of the sale. At worst, you may actually find someone who is in the dark as much as you and who will buy all of them only to return tomorrow with a can of gas and a demand for their money back.

3 If you have a garage sale, do not smoke cigarettes or let one bob on your lip as you are doing a deal. If you do, At best many will realize all your items will smell like they have been in a forest fire and leave. At worst, one of your ashes will fall into your precious amber collection and produce a conflagration to rival the eruption of Vesuvius.If you have a garage sale, do not offer alcoholic beverages to those attending. If you do, at best you may have

2 If you have a garage sale, do not offer alcoholic beverages to those attending. If you do, at best you may have way more attendee than buyers. At worst, you may have a party which gets out of hand and makes your neighbors so upset that the next morning you find over ten for sale signs on your front lawn.

1 If you have a garage sale do not forget to post signs on where you are located. If you do forget at best you may miss some interested buyers. At worst your buyers will finally find you with only the thought of revenge in their heart which does not make for a happy customer.

Here is the 60th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. The inspiration for this came from sitting in several doctor’s offices this week.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Doctor

10. If you are visiting a doctor, do not listen to your tunes with earphones while in the waiting room. If you do, at best you will miss your name and have a few more hours wait. At worst, you will start humming one of your favorites and will be asked to wait in the hallway until your name is called.

9. If you are visiting a doctor, do not smile at the old lady sitting across from you even thought she is smiling at you. If you do, at best she will think you nuts since her smile will turn out to be gas. At worst, she will think you are from another planet and give you a nice whack with her cane.

8. If you are visiting a doctor, remember to turn off your cellphone. If you don’t, at best you will get some annoying notifications. At worst, you will get a call from another doctor’s office wanting to discuss the results of your last test.

7. If you are visiting a doctor, do not touch anything in the office waiting room. If you do, at best you will only catch a cold. At worst, you will be in line for the next case of Ebola since the first case finished with the magazine you are reading now.

6. If you are visiting a doctor, do not attempt any doctor humor. If you do, at best you will bomb like Henny Youngman at an NRA convention. At worst, you will keep wondering about not being able to feel your leg after the shot from the humorless one in charge.

5. If you are visiting a doctor, do not try to get in without paying your co-payment amount. If you do, at best you will called back to the front to the amusement of all the patients. At worst, you will meet the biggest medical technician who will hold you upside down until you pay up.

4. If you are visiting a doctor do not go through any of the cabinets in the examination room. If you do, at best you will see some unusual instruments that will make you want to leave immediately. At worst, the doctor will walk in just as you come across the samples of products designed to prevent sexually transmitted disease

3. If you are visiting a doctor do not ask questions about the degrees posted on the walls. If you do, at best you will find they don’t belong to your doctor. At worst, you will find out your doctor went to a rival school to yours and one known for its status as a party university.

2. If you are visiting a doctor do not ask for samples of drugs. If you do, at best you will be given a lecture about the evils of addiction. At worst, you will be escorted to the interrogation room of the local DEA office where there will be difficult questions about what you know and when you knew it.

1. If you are visiting a doctor, do not forget to bring your medication list. If you forget, at best your doctor will prescribe something similar to what you already take. At worst, your doctor will prescribe drugs that have contraindications to what you take and you will be found tomorrow wandering naked in the middle of the street babbling something about the giant pink elephant.

Here is the 57th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. I put this together after observing other conference attendees in action at a recent writer’s conference I attended. Hope you enjoy

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Attend a Writer’s Conference

10. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not think you need to impress the faculty with your knowledge of the writing craft. If you do, at best you will sound ridiculous teaching best-selling authors about writing. At worst, one of the best-selling authors may ask you how many books you have sold.

9.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not volunteer to be the first to read your story out loud. If you do, at best you will finish your reading and no one will applaud since you obviously did not hear the instructions. At worst, you will finish your reading and the instructor will use you as the example of what not to read aloud.

8.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not continually ask questions in the form of personal anecdotes. If you do, at best you will demonstrate to faculty and fellow attendees how insecure you really are in your writing. At worst, you may find the faculty intentionally ignoring your raised hand during Q&A to the delight of your fellow authors.

7.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not think one of the agents attending will remember and represent you if you try to monopolize their time. If you do, at best you might find that agent has decided to go home early and will remember you forever. At worst, the agent will believe you to be a stalker and report you to the police and remember you forever.

6.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not try to maneuver yourself next to best-selling authors at the social events. If you do, at best you will eventually be discovered and the authors will know you for a not so good reason. At worst, you will be the laughing-stock at the faculty gathering prior to each event which will result in an informal shunning procedure.

5.   If you attend a writer’s conference, do not believe you become even more interesting to best-selling authors after too many glasses of wine. If you do, at best you will be the only one at the conference who believes you to be a serious author. At worst, you may just go over the line and need help getting to your room which will leave a lasting impression on all those who witness the event as well as those who may not want to sign a contract with someone who has a drinking problem.

4.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not jump to the front of the serving lines to be the first to grab your food so you will be ready to squeeze into the spot next to John Lescroart. If you do, at best you may have the conference attendees believing you have some kind of eating disorder. At worst, you might be sending a message to the conference that you will do all most anything to get ahead and will be able to count with one finger the number of people who might be willing to help you

3.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not assume all the conference attendees can learn from your experience. If you do, at best you will eventually have difficulty finding people who will talk to you. At worst, you might be really humiliated when you discover the attendees you are trying to impress have signed with major publishing houses and dearly want to stay away from you.

2.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not think others will be impressed by your numbers of followers on social media. If you do you, at best you may find out some successful authors do not personally do social media and will not be impressed. At worst, you will find that your numbers no matter how large are still smaller than others in attendance.

1.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not promise to send e-mails and to keep in touch after the conference and then fail to do so. If you do, at best the attendees will forget about you and it will be your loss. At worst, you will be remembered as one who doesn’t follow through and at some point in the future you may have to live down that trait.