Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You are Bored

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments

 

This list ran on October 16th, 2017. Since folks still get bored, it may come in handy.

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This list was inspired by a daydreaming session during which I wondered what it would be like to be bored and then make some bad choices as a result. I hope you like it.

10 If you are bored, do not attend a city council meeting. If you do at best, you’ll get a needed nap. At worst, you will attempt to liven things up with an outrageous proposal. ( You didn’t think the idea of a five-year-old taking over the mayor’s job would gain traction, did you, Dylan? You make being the laughing stock look like a legitimate profession.)

9 If you are bored, do not go to the grocery store. If you do, at best, you will hope the paper goods section has been moved, but only to find it hasn’t. At worst, you will fill your cart and jump into the ten items or less line manned by Tiny, the WWF champ. Tiny was just told by the manager that he is too soft when demanding compliance with the ten-or-under rule. (You did hold your own for a while there, Drake.)

8 If you are bored, do not go to the park to watch a chess match. If you do, at best, one of the players will move a piece. At worst, you will be lucky to observe two well-matched players for what turns into a ten-hour match. (I’m unsure what you were expecting, Douglass, but this is not a contact sport.)

7 If you are bored, do not turn on reruns of the 90’s show “Cop Rock.” If you do, at best, you’ll fall into a deep sleep. At worst, about mid-episode, you will suddenly realize watching paint dry is better than this. ( Thinking that you like music and cop shows, you thought this would be a winner, right, Dean?)

6 If you are bored, do not take up a hobby that has been identified as most boring. If you do, at best, you’ll snap out of it. At worst, your family will set up an intervention to stop your traffic cone collection activities. (Just because the living room is filled with traffic cones, you didn’t see the hospitalization coming, did you, Dexter?)

5 If you are bored, do not take up a hobby like bungee jumping. If you do, at best, you’ll chicken out before the first jump. At worst, you’ll make a jump and then have to buy numerous copies of the video where you are screaming like a baby. (Oops. You missed the one that went viral on YouTube, Duke.)

4 If you are bored, do not go to Las Vegas for some excitement. If you do, at best, your first thousand-dollar loss will cure you. At worst, you put your life savings on the black spot at the roulette wheel just for kicks. (Retirement is now put off until you are eighty-two, Drew?) Editor’s note –  Unfortunate alliteration.

3 If you are bored, do not plan to visit North Dakota. If you do, at best, you’ll go in the summer. At worst, you’ll be caught in the snow and can look forward to playing solitaire until May. (Hopefully, you’ll have a deck of fifty-two, Dalton.)

2 If you are bored, do not organize something. If you do, at best, it will be a half-hearted effort. At worst, you will get so wrapped up in the organization that you’ll take on signs of a classic OCD attack. (Just put that paper anywhere, Darren. You’ll never look at it again anyway.)

1 If you are bored, do not look up a list of what to do if you are bored. If you do, at best, the list may be extensive. At worst, you might do one of the items like “download the Bitmoji app. Make your personalized emoji, and then send all your friends fun cartoon texts.”* (Wonder where your friends went, Dane?)

*From 96 Things to Do When You’re Bored by Katie Sweeney. An excellent list of things to do.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sunday Football Game at Philadelphia in 1933

~ John W. Howell ~ 81 Comments
1933 Eagles

This post was first run on November 11, 2018. From a historical perspective, I thought you would enjoy it since we are all now surrounded by Sunday American Football

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sunday Football Game at Philadelphia in 1933

10 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not sit next to your parish priest unless you have been to church. If you do, at best, you can take confession right there. At worst, you will be invited to a special service titled Miscreants of the Week. ( Of all the seats in the stadium, you had to pick this one, Farzad.)

9 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not forget to tip Tiny, the WWF Champ and now stadium vendor, for your hot dog. If you do, at best, that mustard stain on your back will come out. At worst, Tiny, who believes tips are a showing of love, will think you hate him. (The time to vacate your seat is now, Fedele. That large tray of hot dogs will not rest well when Tiny lets it go in your direction.)

8 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not try to eat a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich and cheer for your team at the same time. If you do, At best, the guy in front of you is wearing a raincoat. At worst, your expelled cheesesteak bite goes down the collar of the police chief in the row in front of you. (I don’t think you can explain this as an accident, Felicien. Good luck on your first night in jail)

7 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not cause yourself to be over-celebrating on your carry-in hooch just because the blue laws in Pennsylvania allowed Sunday sports. If you do, at best, you’ll find someone to take you home. At worst, you will need an ironclad excuse for spending the night in the bleachers. (Gotta wonder why none of the cleaning crew found you, huh, Fenris.)

6 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not sit in the Chicago section wearing your Eagles jersey. If you do, at best, the fans around you think you have a mental condition. At worst, as the game progresses, someone may get the idea to remove you by crowd-surfing you over the lip of the Baker Bowl stadium. (It is a long fall from the top to the parking lot, Ferke. Flapping your arms may help a little.)

5 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not think you don’t have to pay off your bet because the score was tied at 3 and 3. If you do, at best, the bookie considers your bet too small to collect. At worst, your bookie is the kind who believes any no-pay is a matter of honor. ( Those cement overshoes are styling, Fidal. They might prove to hamper treading water, though.)

4 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not blow your large and loud horn to cheer on your team. If you do, at best, you’ll be sitting alone. At worst, your fellow participants will tire of losing their hats, hair, and hearing and will stuff your horn where the sun don’t shine. (I know I’m surprised as well, Finnbar. I think that high-decibel honk is terrific. It might be better on a MAC truck, though.)

3 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not ask your neighbor to share their popcorn. If you do, at best, the corn will be gone. At worst, your neighbor has just been diagnosed with the flu and is happy to share. (Don’t worry, Fionn. In the 30s, the flu only took maybe half of those diagnosed. Oh, look, a guy in a black hoodie carrying a scythe. I don’t see any hay that needs cutting, do you?)

2 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not run out and attempt to ring the Liberty Bell to count the first field goal points. If you do, at best, the Liberty Bell Center in Independence National Historic Park will be closed on Sunday. At worst, your attempt at goodwill has been seen as a terrorist act. (You’ve earned yourself a nice cozy room in Guantanamo, Firmann. I have no idea why it is so dark there.)

1 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not dispute how the Eagles got their name. If you do, at best, there was no money on the fact that they got their name from the Blue Eagle, which was a symbol of economic recovery during the Franklin Roosevelt administration. At worst, you need to walk home since you put your car up to back your bet that the Eagles were named after the great American Bald Eagle. (You could have been right, too, Flanagan. You might try putting your thumb out. Maybe some hapless fool will give you a lift.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do Landing at Plymouth Rock in 1620

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments
Mayflower

This post ran on December 10, 2018. Since the anniversary of the Pilgrims’ arrival is approaching, I thought preparing would be a good idea.

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The pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock on December 11, 1620. If you were there, here is a list to help you stay out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Landing at Plymouth Rock in 1620

10 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not suggest a beach party once reaching land. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, there will be a realization on the part of the elders that you are possessed. ( You might as well confess, Gabriele. They won’t stop the water board treatment until you do. Of course, confession may lead to an old-fashioned stake burning. Tough decision.)

9 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not try to beat Tiny, the WWF champ, to a long boat. If you do, at best, you’ll trip and miss your chance. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the boat sitting next to Tiny, and he doesn’t look happy. (You’ll soon learn, Gadiel, that Tiny promised his mom that he would be the first to get into the boat and onto land. Now that he has missed his number one promise, it looks like you are about to be tossed overboard. If so, give that anchor he gave you to hold back to Tiny before you go.)

8 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not start telling everyone about planting a fish with the corn. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of town. At worst, since it is December and the ground is frozen solid, you might be taken for crazy. (Of course, you meant in the spring, Gair. The guys with that ball and chain could care less.)

7 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not mention anything about a turkey dinner for Thanksgiving. If you do, at best, you’ll have to go hunting. At worst, the elders will quiz you closely about why you are thankful. It is cold, wet, and miserable. ( Now that they mention it, Galchobhar, you may have tipped your hand about time travel. This can only lead to the thought that you are a devil. That thought never gets anyone anything.)

6 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not start talking about forming a football team named the Pilgrim Patriots. If you do, at best, no one ever heard of football. At worst, you will immediately be accused of rule violations and forever curse the team to public scorn. (So there is where all this New England Patriot controversy comes from, Galterieo. Might as well label it Pilgrimgate.)

5 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not wear your “I love Pope Paul V” sweatshirt. If you do, at best, no one will notice it under your black tunic. At worst, William Brewster will catch a glimpse and reach an apocalyptic state of the highest order. (Good thing you were able to talk your way out of that one, Galvyn. I’m not sure anything Catholic would be welcome here.)

4 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not make jokes about the native tribe called Wampanoags. If you do, at best, the Native Americans will not hear you. At worst, Massasoit, their leader, will take offense. ( Now we have another fine kettle of fish, Ganesh. The pilgrims need Indian assistance, and the leader is mad at you. Guess who will be eliminated in this standoff?)

3 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not try to convince people to dig up clams for food. If you do, at best, most will simply say, “No, thank you.” At worst, you will be declared a food crank and banished. (You have to remember, Garbhach, that the idea of digging up something in the water and then eating it is not what most people think is normal.)

2 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not insist on building a split-level ranch home with a bay view. If you do, at best, you’ll have to do it alone. At worst, the leadership will put you at the bottom of the priority list. (Nice move, Gared. You’ll be in this lean-to for another year at best.)

1 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not discuss your recipe for the perfect margarita with anyone. If you do, at best, someone will report you. At worst, you’ll be asked to prepare a batch, and there is no tequila or limes anywhere. (How do these stocks feel, Garred? You only have thirty days to go.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the George Washington Proclamation of Thanksgiving in 1789.

~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments
Photo by Jed Owen on Unsplash

This post ran on November 25, 2019. I thought it would be fun to reread it since this is Thanksgiving week here in the US.

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George Washington proclaimed November 25 as a day of Thanksgiving in honor of the new constitution. This day has been used to set Thanksgiving as the last Thursday in November. Although the first Thanksgiving might have been held with the pilgrims and native Americans much earlier, George established the date. As a side note of interest, it wasn’t until 1863 that a national day of Thanksgiving was held. I’m sure you would like to go to George’s house and help him and Martha celebrate the day. Here is a list of things not to do to keep history intact.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the George Washington Proclamation of Thanksgiving in 1789.

10 If you go to George’s place, do not bring a box of stovetop stuffing as your contribution to the dinner. If you do, at best, no one will know what it is. At worst, someone may feed it to the horses. (Now you have a problem, Josephe. George wants to know who brought the stuff that gave his horses the colic)

9 If you go to George’s place, do not hand Tiny the WWF champ a dollar for holding the door for you. If you do, at best, Tiny will need the money. At worst, Tiny just left his self-esteem discussion group and believes he is a close friend of George Washington. (So now you have made Tiny feel like the help, Josue. Don’t worry that step over toe hold never works to take off the toe. Of course, there is always the first time.)

8 If you go to George’s place, do not suggest a game of Monopoly after dinner. If you do, at best, you’ll get some stares. At worst, George will think it a fun idea. (Now ymust to construct the whole game out of paper and a quill pen, Jourdan. Good luck making the tokens.)

7 If you go to George’s place, do not bring up politics as a dinner discussion item. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, you’ll pick a fight with Aaron Burr. (The instructions are correct, Jovan. You walk 25 paces, turn and fire. Yes, I think Aaron has done this before.)

6 If you go to George’s place, do not tell George the turkey is tough when he asks. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, he’ll hand you a musket. (He politely suggests you go out and shoot your turkey, Jozsef. Maybe next time, you’ll just say it is excellent.)

5 If you go to George’s place, do not suggest to Martha that the sweet potatoes would be better with marshmallow bits. If you do, at best, Martha will be too busy to hear you. At worst, Martha will think your suggestion is a good one and hand you a ten-pound bag of sweet potatoes. (Well, now you are in a pickle, Judd. You must figure out how to make sweet potatoes and marshmallow bits.)

4 If you go to George’s house, do not ask for jelly-cranberry sauce. If you do, at best, you have created a discussion topic. At worst, the chef had just reached the end of his rope. It seems there have been several menu changes, Julito. Yours is the straw that broke the camel’s back. That knife looks pretty big from here. I think a good before-dinner run is in order.)

3 If you go to George’s house, do not decide to give a toast to the new constitution. If you do, at best, there will be too many in line before you. At worst, George will ask you about one of the articles. (So as a product of public education, Jullien, have you ever read the constitution, let alone know what is in the section? I thought not. Just say you need the outhouse and be gone.)

2 If you go to George’s house, do not stare at George’s teeth. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are looking at something else. At worst, he will catch on. (So now that you have made your host uncomfortable, Junien. I think you better cut your losses by saying something like, “Are those mahogany?” Or I guess you could say you were looking at his nose. Either way, I hope you have a horse standing by.)

1 If you go to George’s house, do not ask if you can try on a powdered wig. If you do, at best, you’ll be told no. At worst, someone will plop a wig on your head. (Lucky you, Jurgen. You are now wearing the lice and bedbug infected wig that remained after the last redcoat left Washington. Maybe setting your hair on fire will save you. In any case, you have got to find some alcohol fast.)

Top Ten things not to do when trying to decide what to watch on TV

~ John W. Howell ~ 84 Comments

 

Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash

 

This post ran on October 6th, 2014. Since we all need to decide what to watch on TV, it still might be helpful.

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Top Ten things not to do when trying to decide what to watch on TV

This list was inspired by a recent visit to a friend’s house and observing how the friend decided which shows to watch.

10 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not take a suggestion from anyone ages fourteen to eighteen. If you do, at best, you will be lost in the translation. At worst, you will see and hear things that will keep you up at night.

9 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not use the newspaper reviews as a guide to good programming. If you do, at best, you will be asleep earlier than usual. At worst, you might wonder if you should discontinue your cable service.

8 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, don’t ask someone else what they want. If you do, at best, you will get an icy stare when you ignore the suggestion. At worst, you may end up watching this and other shows in the privacy of the garage.

7 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not scroll through the guide, hoping something good will jump at you. If you do, at best, you will have to review one hundred and sixty channels that are basically the same. At worst, those in the room may call an audible, and you will lose your remote privileges for heaven knows how long.

6 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not call a friend for a suggestion. If you do, at best, the friend will want a report on the show. At worst, you will hate the show, and you can lie to your friend or turn a friend into an enemy.

5 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch and your in-laws are there, simply hand over the remote. If you don’t, at best, they’ll miss their favorite show and hate you forever. At worst, they might like your selection and decide to return on the nights that it is on since they can’t remember which channel to tune.

4 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch and your significant other wants to do something else, turn the set off. If you don’t, at best, you will be watching the show alone. At worst, you might be watching the show, which will be your only company for the long, cold winter.

3 If you are trying to decide which TV show to watch, do not rely on the network hype about the “best new show of the season.” If you do, you do, at best, you might waste a half hour. At worst, you might waste a whole night, depending on how many network hypes you follow.

2 If you are trying to decide which show to watch on TV, do not think the DVR will help. If you do, at best, you may end up with a bunch of shows and no disk space. At worst, you may have recorded all the clinkers of the season and, while reviewing them, miss the best.

1 If you are trying to decide which show to watch on TV, do not use any kind of gambling prop to help with the decision. If you do, at best, the odds of getting something you want to watch are the same as the odds against you. At worst, your prop will be no more favorable to you in selecting an excellent show to watch than it has been in delivering sure-thing winners.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Rain

~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments
Photo by Alex Dukhanov on Unsplash

This post ran on December 15, 2014. It may come in handy since it still rains, and we have time before the big freezes.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Rain

10 If you are in the rain driving your car, do not engage cruise control. If you do, at best,  you may have a spin-out. At worst, your car will continue at a constant rate of speed as you slide off the highway into the old river gorge swollen with rain water and moving at fifty miles an hour.

9 If you are in the rain driving your car, do not cross a puddle of unknown depth, especially if you see the back fin of an unidentified fish. If you do, at best, rescue will come before the car sinks. At worst, you and your car will be the subject of the six o’clock news as the Coast Guard boards your temporary boat and claps you in irons

8 If you are in the rain and don’t have an umbrella, do not hold a paper over your head. If you do, at best, you will end up wet and ink-covered. At worst, you might be mistaken for a person with a paper mache head and have to deal with parents of children who are sure you are from a different planet.

7 If you are in the rain, do not try to run to minimize the effects of the raindrops. If you do, at best, you will simply get wetter faster due to your increased velocity. At worst, running in a downpour has all the makings of a two-reel comedy, especially if you slip and fall into a puddle as you step off the curb. (You know a cellphone camera will catch that underwear flash and all)

6 If you are in the rain and standing with people to get on the bus, do not mention the rain. If you do, at best, those around you will think you are an idiot for discussing the obvious. At worst, you may just be lucky enough to get under an umbrella and then be told to move since you  have made your umbrella mate uncomfortable with your observation of “wow, some rain, huh.”

5 If you are in the rain and carrying anything, do not think you can keep it dry by shoving it under your clothes. If you do, at best, you will have a cold, wet lump next to your skin. At worst, those around you will think you have taken something illegally and turn you in to the police, who decide not to step out of their car in the rain but rather Taser you from inside the vehicle.

4 If you are in the rain, do not try to eat your sandwich on the go. If you do, at best, you will have to eat it too fast to save it from melting. At worst, you will be too slow, and the best part of the sandwich will run down the sleeve of the arm connected to the hand wrapped around the sandwich. This part of the sandwich will only be discovered when you raise your arm to ask a question of the visiting executive from the home office, who will naturally think you rolled in something terrible.

3 If you are in the rain, do not think your dog will perform as they usually do on a walk. If you do, at best, you and the dog will be in for a frustrating experience. At worst, your dog will associate rain with your disappointment and may want to help by leaving a surprise at the door before walking if it is raining outside to show you there is no need for the walk.

2 If you are in the rain and you have a flat tire, do not try to change it yourself. If you do, at best, you will be soaking wet and dirty. At worst, you might just be part of a freak accident where the car slips off the jack and rolls down an embankment, only to become airborne until it lands on a person’s roof below and stops in their living room. (While they are watching the six o’clock news about an earthquake in Asia) Okay, I’ll admit it’s not realistic, but it could happen. Why take the chance?

1 If you are in the rain, do not remove your shoes to prevent your Italian leathers from getting wet. If you do, at best, you will only step on some stranger’s gum. At worst, you may step into a puddle that, if you had your shoes on, you would have tried to avoid, only to discover someone let their pet piranhas loose for a run down the street without their leashes. The sad part is the piranhas were let loose before their tapir dinner.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Have a Lousy Boss

~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments
Photo by Harry Cunningham on Unsplash

 

This post ran on August 11th, 2014. I’m sure there are still lousy bosses out there. I hope you enjoy it.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Have a Lousy Boss

10. If you have a lousy boss, do not try to curry favor. If you do, at best, your co-workers will shun you. At worst, the boss may think you are a big ass suck-up and have no respect for you whatsoever. ( Okay, so you are a big assed suck-up, Buford. Be more discrete.)

9. If you have a lousy boss, do not wish a cheery good morning. If you do, at best, the boss will think you are shallow. At worst, the boss will not appreciate your greeting since all days are bad in the boss’s opinion. (You might try a growl next time, Berry. It works for the boss’s wife.)

8. If you have a lousy boss, do not volunteer to plan an event. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed in the boss’s disapproval of how the event went. At worst, your permanent record will have an entry about poor planning skills. (The idea of serving mimosas at the coffee break went a little far, Buster.)

7. If you have a lousy boss, do not talk to the boss at company functions. If you do, at best, the boss with think you are sucking up. At worst, the boss will allow paranoid feelings to influence the decision to move you to the basement mop closet. (Try to stay on the other side of the room, Brent. If the boss wants you, he will waggle his finger.)

6. If you have a lousy boss, do not ask a question at meetings. If you do, at best, your co-workers will think you are sucking up. At worst, the boss will take your question as a personal attack on the company’s objectives and record this lack of loyalty for your next review. (If questions are needed to be asked, Jerry, the boss, will ask them.)

5. If you have a lousy boss, do not take normal coffee breaks. If you do, at best, the boss will think you are not motivated. At worst, the boss will assume you are leading a plot with your co-workers to undermine the boss’s authority. (Bring a Yeti cup from home, Warren. Who has to know it’s gin and tonic.”

4. If you have a lousy boss, do not get caught talking to the boss’s boss at a company function. If you do at best, the boss will allow the paranoid feeling to influence your next pay raise. At worst, the boss will have a private discussion with the boss’s boss on the need to develop a performance plan to get you back on track. (I know the boss’s boss called you over, Jess. You should have just passed out. It would have been easier in the long run.)

3. If you have a lousy boss, do not expect praise and reward for a well-done job. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed since the boss believes all good things are a result of excellent management of you. At worst, the boss will find out how disappointed you are and will make a note in your file about your weakness as a team player. (The only reward for a job well done is keeping the job, Hubert. Rewards are in heaven)

2. If you have a lousy boss, do not think the invitation to join a special team is an honor. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed to find out the boss just needed some folks to do extra work. At worst, you will learn the special team is being held accountable and chartered to correct some screw-ups done by another special team appointed by the boss.( The hint about the viability of the special team is that all the players are on probation, Randy. Welcome to the after-school detention center.)

1. If you have a lousy boss, do not feel comfortable going on vacation. If you do, at best, you may be interrupted by annoying phone calls. At worst, you will not be interrupted but will come back to find your job function has changed, with another forty hours of work added to your current load. (You’ve heard the boss say, “Vacation is for losers.” So ask yourself why are you surprised by the outcome, Frank?)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Leave the House Without Money or ID.

~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments
Photo by Two Paddles Axe and Leatherwork on Unsplash

 

This post was originally published on May 10, 2018, but it may still be relevant today. Of course, if you have transferred all your credit cards and access to cash to your phone, this old-timey post won’t mean much unless you forgot your phone. (Which would be like forgetting your arm.)

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This list was inspired by going to dinner and forgetting to put my wallet in my pocket. Although it sounds impossible, I very seldom need to leave the house (Yes, Mr. Hughes?), so I have lost the natural tendency to check to see if I have everything with me. Lucky for me, none of the consequences materialized.

10 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not offer to pick up the dinner tab. If you do, at best, your partner will have you covered. At worst, you and your guests will experience kitchen cleanliness firsthand. (So you took your boss to dinner, Etu, and he forgot his wallet as well. It is a shame about his new suit and that ketchup accident.)

9 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not offer to buy Tiny, the WWF champ, a drink when he has apparently had too much. If you do, at best, Tiny will forget the offer. At worst, Tiny has been drowning his sorrows at being told no one likes him in his self-esteem seminar. (Notice how his eyes lit up when you offered to pay for his drink, Eustachy? The bartender is waiting for the money, and Tiny’s eyes are beginning to detect you may renege. It might be time to leave fast.)

8 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not exceed the speed limit. If you do, at best, all the traffic patrol officers are in a meeting. At worst, explaining who you are and that you are licensed to driver may have to wait for the judge tomorrow. (You have to admit not being able to post bail has given you a brand new experience, Evans. I think that big guy over in the corner kind of likes you.)

7 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not unload your overstuffed grocery cart on the ten items or less conveyor belt. If you do, at best, the store will be un-crowded. At worst, you will have sixteen construction workers behind you who only have thirty minutes for lunch. (As the clerk calls for the manager, you can detect discontent behind you, Everley. It might be a good idea to sprint for the door while you can still sprint.)

6 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not take a number at the DMV. If you do, at best, you’ll come to your senses before long. At worst, you’ll wait the required number of hours until your number is called only to discover the missing items. (The only person who is happy with you now, Evin, is the person next to be called after you are told to step aside.)

5 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not enter the toll road. If you do, at best, a kindly motorist will pay your toll. At worst, the toll taker will exercise the right to have your car impounded. (No, the tow truck operator will not give you a ride home, Ethan. He will take your vehicle to the impound lot where, if you are lucky, no one will put another on top of yours.)

4 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not go through the drive-through at your favorite fast food restaurant. If you do, at best, you can say you’re sorry and move on. At worst, the store manager has been reprimanded for having high waste numbers and is now dialing the police. (Don’t be concerned with the honking patrons behind you, Eli. The manager is calling a SWAT team, claiming you are holding up the store. Time for a Dukes of Hazard getaway.)

3 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not get on that train to Yuma. If you do, at best, the conductor may miss you. At worst, you might find yourself standing in the middle of the tracks in a place with no name. (Are those vultures circling overhead, Ezra?)

2 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not try to get through the TSA inspection point at the airport. If you do, at best, you’ll be turned away. At worst, a picture of someone who looks like you just came across the international terrorist warning screen, and the guy looking at you wants a promotion. (You might as well put those hands in the air, Elliot. That air marshall doesn’t look like he is kidding with the order.)

1 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not attempt to make a withdrawal from your bank. If you do, at best, the clerk recognizes you. At worst, when asked for ID, you provide some excuse that causes the clerk to hit the silent alarm. (How does the cold marble floor feel, Everett? I think I would follow the suggestion and not move.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself

~ John W. Howell ~ 94 Comments

This post ran on October 2, 2017. I’m still heeding its advice. I hope you find it useful too.

Ten things not to do

Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself

10 If your electrical service is out, do not try to diagnose and fix the problem. If you do, at best, you’ll melt a screwdriver. At worst, the jolt you receive will clear your mind and sinus. (The manual said the white wire was dead, huh, Bandos?)

9 If your pipes leak, do not try the DIY plumber ploy. If you do at best, you can get the leak to stop a little. At worst, you will finally give up when the water level is above your knees. (Did that last tighten move break everything loose, Berto?)

8 If you need to fix the drywall, do not do it alone. If you do, at best, you’ll finally give up. At worst, you’ll pull something that really hurts. (I hope you enjoy the body cast, Brandt. It is only for twelve weeks.)

7 If your roof needs repair, do not go up there. If you do, at best, the gutters will break your fall. At worst, you can be heard screaming for blocks as you slide down the roof only to land on Tiny, the WWF champ, who just started his new job at UPS. (Notice how fast Tiny recovers from a sneak attack? Too bad every bone in your body won’t let you run away, Burley.)

6 If your window needs replacement, do not try it alone. If you do, at best, it will fall out while your back is turned. At worse, the first wind will cause the window to fall from the second story just as the minister rings your doorbell. (Belonging to that church was optional, right, Burt?)

5 If your siding needs to be replaced, do not do it with friends. If you do, at best, no one will get hurt. At worst, the job will go well until your neighbor steps off the ladder, thinking he is at ground level. (A little too much beer and the second story does seem like ground level, Boswell.)

4 If there is concrete work to do, do not do it. If you insist, at best, the work will look like a kindergarten class project. At worst, the idea of handprints and initials will take on a sinister aspect when you can’t get free. (On TV, that Hollywood Walk of Fame thing looks easy. Right. Brinsley?)

3 If you have a tree that needs removal, do not think you are Paul Bunyan. If you do, at best, the only limbs affected are on the tree. At worst, your scream of “timber” is totally ignored by your house, which never moved. ( Nice to have that two-story view of the sky, huh, Buzzy?)

2 If you have necessary tile work, do not think it is as easy as it looks. If you do, at best, that herringbone pattern appears like a fun house mirror. At worst, your first shower in the newly tiled space will resemble a melting marshmallow flow. (There was something about waiting for 72 hours for the grout to dry, wasn’t there, Bodie?)

1 If your house needs to be power washed, do not think you can do it. If you do, at best, you’ll quit in time. At worst, you won’t notice that the strong spray is taking off the paint along with the dirt. (If you pay attention, Burl, you can also see the lighting fixtures blown into the neighbor’s yard.)

Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments
Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

This post ran on October 28th, 2019. I think it still may have some merit.

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Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text

10 If you are texting, do not say, “Will you marry me?” If you do, at best, your intended battery has failed. At worst, your reply will be a short and sweet “Kiss off.” (You see, Jayyed, marriage is a serious thing. Your casual approach does not instill confidence that you would make the right partner.)

9 If you are texting, do not say “yes” to Tiny, the WWF champ, when he wants to buy you a couple of rounds. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t be able to find you. At worst, when you meet Tiny at the gym, you suddenly understand that he wasn’t talking about drinks. (Well, here you are, Jedd. I would lie back during the rounds and try not to break any bones.)

8 If you are texting, do not tell someone a family member has passed. If you do, at best, your server will be down. At worst, the news will not be taken well. (So now you are responsible for another mental breakdown, Jedidiah. It’s no wonder they are not speaking to you anymore.)

7 If you are texting, do not tell someone you are breaking up with them. If you do, at best, they didn’t like you anyway. At worst, you now have a lifelong enemy. (Way to go, Jennis. This could have gone so much better face-to-face. How did that boiling bunny get on your stove anyway?)

6 If you are texting, do not answer the text and photo that asks, “How do I look in this?” If you do, at best, you’ll say, “Great.” At worst, you’ll try and be helpful. (Admitting that hat looked ridiculous has just earned you a cold night in the dog house, Jensen. You see, that was the favorite  pick.)

5 If you are texting, do not send an “I’m mad at you” text. If you do, at best, the recipient has turned off their phone. At worst, the recipient will become very defensive. (So how are you going to patch this up, Jeremias? You weren’t all that angry in the first place, and now you have WWIII on your hands.)

4 If you are texting, do not ask, “What do you like about me?” If you do, at best, the response will be something you like. At worst, the answer will be something like, “You have a great personality.” (What did you expect, Jerett? This is not the kind of question to put in a text. You are lucky you didn’t get a compliment on your deodorant.)

3 If you are texting, do not ask where the relationship is going. If you do, at best, the recipient will call you. At worst, you might get a reply like, “To Milwaukee.” (Well, I guess you could have predicted that response, Jerico. What did you want the person to say in a text message? HUH? Dope.)

2 If you are texting, do not send a message with the words “I love you” for the very first time. If you do, at best, the recipient will think you are drunk. At worst, the recipient will get the idea you cannot face commitment in person. (That was a lousy idea, Jerren. Let’s hope an in-person statement will undo the damage. You are a bit of a clod, though.)

1 If you are texting, don’t send a message that has drama around it, like, “Where were you last night?”. If you do, at best, the recipient will delete it. At worst, you’ll get a response that you hate. ( “I was out with Bill” is something you didn’t expect, huh, Jerrick? I guess that will learn ya.)