Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself

~ John W. Howell ~ 94 Comments

This post ran on October 2, 2017. I’m still heeding its advice. I hope you find it useful too.

Ten things not to do

Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself

10 If your electrical service is out, do not try to diagnose and fix the problem. If you do, at best, you’ll melt a screwdriver. At worst, the jolt you receive will clear your mind and sinus. (The manual said the white wire was dead, huh, Bandos?)

9 If your pipes leak, do not try the DIY plumber ploy. If you do at best, you can get the leak to stop a little. At worst, you will finally give up when the water level is above your knees. (Did that last tighten move break everything loose, Berto?)

8 If you need to fix the drywall, do not do it alone. If you do, at best, you’ll finally give up. At worst, you’ll pull something that really hurts. (I hope you enjoy the body cast, Brandt. It is only for twelve weeks.)

7 If your roof needs repair, do not go up there. If you do, at best, the gutters will break your fall. At worst, you can be heard screaming for blocks as you slide down the roof only to land on Tiny, the WWF champ, who just started his new job at UPS. (Notice how fast Tiny recovers from a sneak attack? Too bad every bone in your body won’t let you run away, Burley.)

6 If your window needs replacement, do not try it alone. If you do, at best, it will fall out while your back is turned. At worse, the first wind will cause the window to fall from the second story just as the minister rings your doorbell. (Belonging to that church was optional, right, Burt?)

5 If your siding needs to be replaced, do not do it with friends. If you do, at best, no one will get hurt. At worst, the job will go well until your neighbor steps off the ladder, thinking he is at ground level. (A little too much beer and the second story does seem like ground level, Boswell.)

4 If there is concrete work to do, do not do it. If you insist, at best, the work will look like a kindergarten class project. At worst, the idea of handprints and initials will take on a sinister aspect when you can’t get free. (On TV, that Hollywood Walk of Fame thing looks easy. Right. Brinsley?)

3 If you have a tree that needs removal, do not think you are Paul Bunyan. If you do, at best, the only limbs affected are on the tree. At worst, your scream of “timber” is totally ignored by your house, which never moved. ( Nice to have that two-story view of the sky, huh, Buzzy?)

2 If you have necessary tile work, do not think it is as easy as it looks. If you do, at best, that herringbone pattern appears like a fun house mirror. At worst, your first shower in the newly tiled space will resemble a melting marshmallow flow. (There was something about waiting for 72 hours for the grout to dry, wasn’t there, Bodie?)

1 If your house needs to be power washed, do not think you can do it. If you do, at best, you’ll quit in time. At worst, you won’t notice that the strong spray is taking off the paint along with the dirt. (If you pay attention, Burl, you can also see the lighting fixtures blown into the neighbor’s yard.)

Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments
Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

This post ran on October 28th, 2019. I think it still may have some merit.

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Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text

10 If you are texting, do not say, “Will you marry me?” If you do, at best, your intended battery has failed. At worst, your reply will be a short and sweet “Kiss off.” (You see, Jayyed, marriage is a serious thing. Your casual approach does not instill confidence that you would make the right partner.)

9 If you are texting, do not say “yes” to Tiny, the WWF champ, when he wants to buy you a couple of rounds. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t be able to find you. At worst, when you meet Tiny at the gym, you suddenly understand that he wasn’t talking about drinks. (Well, here you are, Jedd. I would lie back during the rounds and try not to break any bones.)

8 If you are texting, do not tell someone a family member has passed. If you do, at best, your server will be down. At worst, the news will not be taken well. (So now you are responsible for another mental breakdown, Jedidiah. It’s no wonder they are not speaking to you anymore.)

7 If you are texting, do not tell someone you are breaking up with them. If you do, at best, they didn’t like you anyway. At worst, you now have a lifelong enemy. (Way to go, Jennis. This could have gone so much better face-to-face. How did that boiling bunny get on your stove anyway?)

6 If you are texting, do not answer the text and photo that asks, “How do I look in this?” If you do, at best, you’ll say, “Great.” At worst, you’ll try and be helpful. (Admitting that hat looked ridiculous has just earned you a cold night in the dog house, Jensen. You see, that was the favorite  pick.)

5 If you are texting, do not send an “I’m mad at you” text. If you do, at best, the recipient has turned off their phone. At worst, the recipient will become very defensive. (So how are you going to patch this up, Jeremias? You weren’t all that angry in the first place, and now you have WWIII on your hands.)

4 If you are texting, do not ask, “What do you like about me?” If you do, at best, the response will be something you like. At worst, the answer will be something like, “You have a great personality.” (What did you expect, Jerett? This is not the kind of question to put in a text. You are lucky you didn’t get a compliment on your deodorant.)

3 If you are texting, do not ask where the relationship is going. If you do, at best, the recipient will call you. At worst, you might get a reply like, “To Milwaukee.” (Well, I guess you could have predicted that response, Jerico. What did you want the person to say in a text message? HUH? Dope.)

2 If you are texting, do not send a message with the words “I love you” for the very first time. If you do, at best, the recipient will think you are drunk. At worst, the recipient will get the idea you cannot face commitment in person. (That was a lousy idea, Jerren. Let’s hope an in-person statement will undo the damage. You are a bit of a clod, though.)

1 If you are texting, don’t send a message that has drama around it, like, “Where were you last night?”. If you do, at best, the recipient will delete it. At worst, you’ll get a response that you hate. ( “I was out with Bill” is something you didn’t expect, huh, Jerrick? I guess that will learn ya.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are in a Dentist’s Chair

~ John W. Howell ~ 114 Comments
Photo by note thanun on Unsplash

 

This post ran on July 9, 2018. Since we all still go to dentists, it may be useful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are in a Dentist’s Chair

The inspiration for this list was a routine visit to the dentist. Like all dentist offices, I could hear what was happening in several offices around me. I listened to some funny things and made up some of my own. I hope you enjoy this list

10 If you are in a dentist’s chair, do not try to answer the dentist’s questions while their hand is in your mouth. If you do, at best, your answer will be garbled and not understood. At worst, the dentist may come up missing a tool. (Yes, it is strange the dentist asks a question while you are incapable of speech, Elijah. Try to resist since that lost tool may be with you for a long time.)

9 If you are in a dentist’s chair, do not listen to Tiny the WWF champ whimper in the next room. If you do, at best, it may unnerve you. At worst, Tiny may catch sight of you as he leaves and will want to make sure you won’t gossip about his lack of fortitude. (That shadow passing over you as you go from the dentist’s office, Evan, is Tiny coming up from behind. Don’t think. Just drop and roll.)

8 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not ask about the cost of a procedure while it is underway. If you do, at best, you won’t like the answer. At worst, the dentist may decide to give you a discount, provided you can endure the procedure with no painkillers. ( You have to wonder, Ezekiel, why he keeps asking, “Is it safe?” from the movie Marathon Man. Yes, that is you making all that noise.)

7 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not try to read your chart when the Dentist leaves. If you do, at best, you won’t understand a thing. At worst, the hygienist will walk in just as you are leaning over backward with the chart in your hands. (How do you explain yourself, Edgar? You could have just asked to see your chart.)

6 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not think about the Italian sub you had for lunch. If you do, at best, you won’t open your mouth. At worst, you will try to explain your faux pas, all while the hygienist continues to spray mouthwash each time you open your mouth. (You wish the “ew” sound were a result of a different source, huh, Elliott?)

5 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not fool around with the controls. If you do, at best, you won’t get wet. At worst, you will cause possible complications from replacing the polishing tool function with a drilling tool function. (That hole in your front tooth is charming, Emmett. Maybe you can get a diamond to fit in there.)

4 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not think the dentist will be right in to see you. If you do, at best, your waiting time will seem even longer. At worst, you fell asleep and drooled all over that lovely napkin under your chin. (How do you explain the wet spot to the hygienist, Edwin? Try your Quasimodo impersonation. “Here. Take whistle. That is the only thing I hear. Blow if in trouble.” They will love it.)

3 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not remind yourself about that 32-ounce Big Gulp soda you finished on the way over here. If you do, at best, you will forgive yourself for not making a restroom stop. At worst, the dental staff will think you are a crack addict, given the amount of twitching and jumping you go through as you try to manage the specter of an accident. (Why is that little voice in your head still talking about Niagara Falls, Easton? Pretty self-defeating, I would say.)

2 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not acknowledge the rumbling inside of you. If you do, at best, your explanation of the sour kraut and corned beef sandwich will fall on unsympathetic ears. At worst, you may give your body permission to vent off the building pressure. (Nothing pleases people more in a closed room, Edmund.)

1 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not ask to hold a teddy bear before the procedure. If you do, at best, the staff will think you are joking. At worst, you will get the bear and a chart notation to watch for an emotional break in the future. (Ever wonder why everyone talks in a whisper when you visit the office, Ezequiel?)

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Contractor

~ John W. Howell ~ 67 Comments

 

AI-generated image from Perchance.org

This post ran on August 25, 2017. It may still be helpful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Contractor

 

This list was inspired by a number of discussions held with contractors lately. I hope you like it.

10 Do not say to a contractor, “I’m in no rush.” If you do, at best, the job will take longer than you could conceive. At worst, you’ll be at the bottom of the list of clients, and your job might get done before you retire. (The fact that you are only forty is not comforting, Desmond.)

9 Do not say to a contractor, “I want your best price.” If you do, at best, the bid will be only ten percent more than it would have been. At worst, your bid will come out somewhere North of what you expected to pay to rebuild the house, let alone do repairs. (Hang on to that defibrillator, Dalton. You may need it when the actual bill is presented, given all the change orders.)

8 Do not say to a contractor, “I have another bid to compare with yours.” If you do, at best, you will actually get his bid. At worst, you will wait for a bid that will never come since the contractor figured you would take the other one anyway. (That strategy didn’t work well, did it, Darren?)

7 Do not say to a contractor, “I really don’t know what I want.” If you do, at best, it will cost plenty to find out. At worst, you may spend a lot of money and finally know what you don’t want. (That is sure an ugly addition, don’t you think, Dustin?)

6 Do not say to a contractor, “Do what you think is best.” If you do, at best, what is best for the contractor is best for you. At worst, what is best for the contractor is to send his child to college on the proceeds from your job. (You should have asked more questions, Davis.)

5 Do not say to a contractor, “I don’t mind a little dust.” If you do, at best, your vacuum will keep up. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the ER with advanced symptoms of asthma. (You should have known when all the workers were wearing respirators, Deacon.)

4 Do not say to a contractor, “We get up early.” If you do, at best, it is early, at eight o’clock, to the contractor. At worst, the first light will bring you the wake-up sound of a Skill saw in the next room. (Establishing the work hours might have been wise, Dwayne.)

3 Do not say to a contractor, “We can do without water for as long as it takes to fix.” If you do, at best, the fix will be quick. At worst, the water will be shut off on Friday at three in the afternoon, and the job will be finished that next Monday at nine o’clock AM. (A nice long weekend without water for a three-hour repair is not a bad trade-off, right, Darrell?)

2 Do not say to a contractor, “Help yourself to soft drinks and water.” If you do, at best, they will be used only when needed. At worst, you didn’t realize that the contractor’s city-wide crew numbered thirty, and you were out of liquid by noon. (Should we have set a limit, huh, Devan?)

1 Do not say to a contractor, “Sure, you can return later and finish that little job.” If you do, at best, you’ve held back some money, and it gets done. At worst, you paid the whole bill, and it has been three months without a return phone call. (Good luck with that little job. Maybe you can hire another contractor to do it, Duane.”

To Ten Things Not to Do on Social Media

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

 

This post was originally published on August 6, 2018. Since we are all involved in social media, it may be worthwhile revisiting it.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do on Social Media

This post was inspired by another post by award-winning author Jan Sikes. Jan wondered out loud whether we were all sharing too much on our social media efforts. In a comment back-and-forth, she suggested doing a “Top Ten Things Not to Do” post. You can see Jan’s post HERE.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do on Social Media.

10 If you are on social media, do not publish a photo of yourself making a hand gesture. If you do, at best, the gesture has an innocent intent. At worst, your gesture, no matter how honest, is seen by others as a reason to find out where you live. (It is incredible that you have all those people on your front lawn, Espen. Why do you think they are carrying torches and pitchforks?)

9 If you are on social media, do not post that you believe WWF wrestling is fake. If you do, at best, Tiny, the WWF champ, is out of the country without access to the internet. At worst, your post pops up on Tiny’s feed. (Looking through the peephole in your door does not give you the whole view of what is about to happen, Ethan. In fact, I would back up a bit so you are not hit by flying splinters. Better yet, run for your life.)

8 If you are on social media, do not engage in a back-and-forth discussion on politics with someone who has an AK 47 as a Gravatar. If you do, at best, you’ll stop before going too far. At worst, your last comment, which has no retort, will be followed by a high-pitched tone. (That tone is the sound of an incoming rocket-propelled grenade, Eupeithes. I would take cover.)

7 If you are on social media, do not publish pictures of your dinner, no matter where it is to be eaten. If you do, at best, most will miss it. At worst, the two likes you receive will indicate how poorly ham hocks and sour kraut with a side of succotash come across in a photo. (The fact that most of your readers decided to skip their dinner will return to haunt you, Eurystheus.)

6 If you are on social media, do not publish a GIF that blinks on and off with colorful stars and a giant pair of lips. If you do, at best, at least one reader will think it is cute. At worst, you will trigger several psychological and physical events that will hold you forever libel. ( I guess you had no idea the strobe effect would cause such a reaction, Evann. The injury attorneys will find that laughable.)

5 If you are on social media, do not broadcast that you are not home. If you do, at best, none of your readers will be cat burglars. At worst, you’ll return home from your trip to an empty house. (Normally, you are used to being alone at home, Everardo, but no furniture is a bit stark.)

4 If you are on social media, do not rant about a minor inconvenience in your day. If you do, at best, folks will just ignore you. At worst, you’ll get other stories that make your problem sound like a blessing. (Now, don’t you feel like a dope, Evgeni. You just had to demonstrate how shallow you are, didn’t you?)

3 If you are on social media, do not publish pictures of your new expensive purchases. If you do, at best, your materialism will define you. At worst, those followers with significantly less than you seem to have will drop you like a hot potato. ( I know you were happy you got that BMW, Evzen. All those folks in a ten-year-old Honda can’t help but be jealous.)

2  If you are on social media, do not pretend to recommend products that you like when, in reality, you are being paid. If you do, at best, your recommendations will be ignored. At worst, you will support something that doesn’t work. (Now you have an angry bunch of readers, Eric. What’s that they are saying about a class action suit?)

1 If you are on social media, don’t forget that your followers are individuals and deserve the best you have to offer. If you do forget, at best, a few unfollows will wake you up. At worst, you will need to start over with a new approach. (Funny how those thousands of followers disappeared, isn’t it, Edward?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

labor day.

This post ran first on Labor Day 2015 and every Labor Day after that. I thought it was pretty good advice, so here it is again.

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In honor of Labor Day, I’ve decided to boil the top ten list down to the most essential items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. Of course, the remembrance includes us authors.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day, have fun, but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best, you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person, not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day, all.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have a Sitter

~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

 

This post ran on July 16, 2018. Since sitters are still in fashion, I think it might still be good advice.

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The inspiration for this list was a discussion about Alexa and what would happen if one asked Alexa remotely to turn on the lights and music while a sitter was in the house. That was just the priming of the pump I needed to develop Ten Things.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have a Sitter

10 If you have a sitter, do not say, “Help yourself to anything in the fridge.” If you do, at best, the sitter will be on a diet. At worst, that week’s worth of shopping that you just put in the fridge will need to be replaced tomorrow. (It is amazing how someone so small can put away that kind of food huh, Eaton?)

9 If you have a sitter, do not ask Alexa to turn on the lights and music from a remote location. If you do, at best, the sitter will call the police. At worst, Your sitter, Tiny, the WWF champ, who you hired after the local minister said he needed a chance to be responsible, will knock out each wall with a lamp trying to protect the kids. (Well, the joke is on you, Ed. Looks like your good deed did not go unpunished.)

8 If you have a sitter, do not let them invite their friends over. If you do, at best, the police will be called early. At worst, you will be reading how the party that started at your house spread to a city-wide night of rampage. ( That bill for repairs looks like the national debt, Eddy.)

7 If you have a sitter, do not let them prepare dinner. If you do, at best, 100% of your dishes will find their way to the sink. At worst, the fire department could not find a working hydrant and could only watch as your house became a vacant lot. (Lucky for you, there is insurance. Oh, wait! Someone forgot to send in the premium, and the cancellation notice is in the former mailbox, Elton.)

6 If you have a sitter, do not let them use your computer. If you do, at best, your data cap was reached in two hours, and now you have dial-up speed for the rest of the month. At worst, your computer picked up so many viri the tech at the computer store declared it a DOA. ( It is a shame that you never backed up that 100,000-word novel, Evander.)

5 If you have a sitter, do not let them choose a movie on pay TV. If you do, at best, they will fall asleep after only one selection. At worst, you receive your bill and note that the sitter selected twenty movies and only watched six minutes of each. (Well, Ever. The charges stick after five minutes. You never said, “Just pick one.”)

4 If you have a sitter, do not leave the liquor cabinet unlocked. If you do, at best, your sitter is a teetotaler. At worst, unbeknownst to you, your sitter was just released from a twelve-step residency program. The array of bottles was just too much. (Well, this is a fine mess. Not only is all your liquor gone, but the sitter insists that you need to pay for another stay in the clinic. After all, Elwood. You were the one who left that temptation.)

3 If you have a sitter, do not leave your checkbook on the kitchen counter. If you, at best, the pizza box will cover it. At worst, on the next statement, you’ll find that the sitter has given a self-issued generous tip. (Don’t try to find the sitter, Eadward. Russia has no extradition treaty with the US.)

2 If you have a sitter, do not tell your friends who it is. If you do, at best, the sitter availability will be rare. At worst, you will be in a bidding war for the sitting service and will only quit when the sitter earns more than you. (You would like to make that kind of money, wouldn’t you, Eamon?)

1 If you have a sitter, do not let your kids influence your choice. If you do, at best, none of your rules will be followed. At worst, before you know it, you have an additional member of the family, and now you have to get a new sitter. (At least all the kids get along, Eberhard.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Heat Index is Above 110 degrees F (43.3 C)

~ John W. Howell ~ 92 Comments

 

This post ran on July 23, 2018. Here we are in August, almost a month later, facing the same situation.

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The inspiration for this list was yesterday’s high temperature and high humidity.

10 If the heat index is above 110, do not do your 10K run. If you do, at best, your water will run out at 5K. At worst, passersby will wonder what you are doing in the community fountain. (Look like the police wonder the same thing, Edan. I think your reason should be a little better than “Trying to cool off” since only a fool, crazy person, or drunk person would be running today.)

9 If the heat index is above 110, do not fail to say “excuse me” if you accidentally bump into Tiny, the WWF Wrestling champ. If you do, at best, Tiny will be too hot to care. At worst, Tiny, who just walked out of his affiliation addiction support group, will honestly believe you hit him on purpose. (Coupled with the heat and Tiny’s need to be liked, I think you are headed for a harrowing afternoon, Edward. Running will only make him madder.)

8 If the heat index is above 110, do not get out that lawnmower. If you do, at best, there will be no gas. At worst, you will get halfway finished before the case of heat stroke hits you. (The sad part is in addition to the hospital stay, you are in violation of your homeowner’s association rules on lawn care. You better have someone finish the lawn, Efraim, before Mrs. Jones spots that half-done lawn cut.)

7 If the heat index is above 110, do not go tenting as planned. If you do, at best, you won’t need a fire to heat your coffee water. At worst, during the night, the local bear family gets the idea you are a specially prepared dish called a naked ape roasted in canvas. (Yeah, there is no way you are going to talk them out of a meal, Eisa. Might as well give up that sirloin you were going to have tomorrow and count yourself lucky at that.)

6 If the heat index is above 110, do not think you will make it home with that gallon of ice cream. If you do, at best, you should take a spoon. At worst, you’ll arrive home with a leaking container of melted ice cream, which will leave a trail across the new carpet as you head for the kitchen. (I think you might just continue out the back door, Elazar. Pretty hard to explain the new chocolate on the white wool decorating scheme. As you leave, I would do a serpentine maneuver. Harder for a shooter to hit.)

5 If the heat index is above 110, do not think being on a body of water is going to cool you. If you do, at best, the boat has a canopy, so you won’t die. At worst, you will remember the poem The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner as you whisper through parched lips, “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.” (Time to get on the radio and call for help, Elfred. Of course, you will be lucky if anyone will answer a crazy man.)

4 If the heat index is above 110, do not escape the heat in the corner bar. If you do, at best, the bartender will allow you to stay while sipping one drink. At worst, you will think you have to keep consuming drinks while sitting on the bar stool. (Now that you have beaten the heat tell us how you are going to get home, Elija. You certainly can’t drive and walking is impossible as well. Maybe if you could talk, you could ask for a cab.)

3 If the heat index is above 110, do not go ahead with that cookout. If you do, at best, your guests will all cancel. At worst, they all show up and take on available liquid at an unprecedented rate. (Too bad all you are offering is your famous trash can punch, Elkhanah. It seems that no one is still standing as you serve your equally renowned ribs. Good thing you have lots of floor space.)

2. If the heat index is above 110, do not ignore the power company’s warnings about conserving electricity consumption. If you do, at best, everyone else does, and you have no loss of power. At worst, your electricity shuts down, and you are now faced with a night of sleeping in a house with a heat index of 120. (Why is it that when the electricity goes off, it gets hotter, Elmo? Must be a law of some kind.)

1 If the heat index is above 110, do not forget your children and pets need extra care. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky that the neighbor rescued them, and they will be fine. We don’t want to think of the worst case. (Just keep them cool, Elwin. And for heaven’s sake, don’t leave anyone in the car, A/C or not. By the way, the neighbor has challenged you to a duel.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have Fallen Behind on Social Media

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

 

This post was published on July 2, 2018, but I think it has relevance today. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came from Linda Leinen, the author of the terrific blog Task at Hand. 

We were commenting on one of my Top Ten posts, and she wondered, “Have you ever done a Top Ten Things to Do for people who are trying to get caught up online?” I indicated that I could do the reciprocal of that thought, and here it is today. Thanks, Linda, for the question.

Linda has had unique experiences, and visiting her blog will be rewarding.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Have Fallen Behind on Social Media

Here is the list. (Anyone who might think this list is serious, please be advised it is a broad satire statement regarding our phobic belief that social media is indispensable)

10 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not make up an excuse like, “I have been so busy being successful with my new bestseller; I just haven’t had time for you little people.” If you do, at best, you’ll lose a few followers. At worst, you might wake up to the sound of crickets on all your social media accounts. (Where did all those followers go, Ermanno?)

9 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not panic and accept a friend request from just anyone. If you do, at best, you may have a long list of people you don’t know. At worst, you might accept a friend request from Tiny, the WWF champ, just after his online romance fell apart. (You gotta hope the one hundred direct messages from Tiny are just a fluke for today, Ervin. Heaven knows you don’t want to unfriend him. Ever.)

8 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not think that by posting more, you will be back sooner. If you do, at best, it will just make the problem more intense. At worst, now your followers will think you are having some kind of psychological break and will hit unfollow faster than a duck on a June bug. (Never thought more is less, did you, Esbjorn?)

7 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not just delete all the comments to which you cannot respond. If you do, at best, some will not notice. At worst, a large group of followers will think you passed away and will start a GoFundMe campaign for a memorial. (That is if you are well-liked, Eskil. More than likely, there will be a host of unfollows)

6 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not check yourself into a treatment center. If you do, at best, you’ll be discharged immediately as a ‘nothing wrong here person.’ At worst, you’ll inadvertently make up some mental problem, which will take ten weeks of group therapy before you are set free. (That will teach you to run away from your problems, Este. Now what?)

5 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not run away to a cabin in the woods. If you do, at best, you’ll aggravate the bears. At worst, while you are off the grid, a new social media form will be invented, and when you return, you will be hopelessly behind this one as well. (Ever hear of Moore’s Law, Eumaeus. You are now in the dark ages.)

4 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not attempt to compensate by eating ice cream. If you do, at best, the time spent eating will get you further back. At worst, your ice cream bill and your extra pounds will go up in equal proportions. (It doesn’t help to eat ice cream while on a stationary bike, Eurypylus.)

3 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not call the suicide hotline. If you do, at best, they will hang up. At worst, you’ll get someone who has a difficult time understanding the severe nature of your angst and will start cracking jokes about your condition. (You have to admit, Eustis. Your problem is pretty minor compared to that of other folks.)

2 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not call 911 for help. If you do, at best, the line will be busy. At worst, the officers dispatched to your house will hand you a citation for a false emergency. (Of course, Everard, there could be a minor miracle where one of the officers is behind on social media as well. If so, you are saved.)

1 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not think all those busy folks who stay current with you will simply ignore your faux pas. If you do, at best, you will experience the sound of silence. At worst, you must curry forgiveness by inventing an ironclad excuse. (The only reason that is not debatable as to its harmful interference with your social media obligations is to tell everyone you are recovering from brain surgery. Of course, Evyn, you can’t fall behind again.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Making a Top Ten Things Not to Do List

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

 

This post was run on June 25, 2018. It still may make some sense.

Top Ten Things Not-to-Do While Making a Top Ten Things Not-to-Do List

10 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not search the internet for top ten ideas. If you do, at best, your creativity will be stilted. At worst, you’ll start duplicating others’ work without knowing it. (Looks like that plagiarism charge is going to stick, Elder. There goes the old writing career.)

9 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, to preview the ridiculous stuff you wrote about him. If you do, at best, Tiny left his reading glasses at home. At worst, Tiny just left his self-esteem support group and is now taking everything you wrote literally. (I wouldn’t worry about getting your shredded paper back, Elia. I think I would begin to move towards the door.)

8 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not check with a loved one to see if it is funny. If you do, at best, you’ll be disappointed with the response. At worst, you’ll get a reminder about how beautiful it would be if you had a real job. (You can’t expect everyone to like your stuff, Ellery. Keep looking; maybe you’ll find one person who does.)

7 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not stare at people who will eventually end up on the list. If you do, at best, one may ask you, “Are you looking at me?” At worst, you might be taken for a stalker and have to explain yourself. (As you can see, the police have no interest in your list-making career, Elson. They just want you to come quietly.)

6 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not make the subject so obscure no one will get it. If you do, at best, your readership may drop. At worst, you will be explaining your meaning for the next ten years. (So why do you suppose nobody got the Top Ten things not to do in a Barnyard, Emery? I thought it was fascinating.)

5 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not make a list so familiar that everyone will think you did these things. If you do, at best, you’ll look like a fool. At worst, the FBI opens a file about you, and you get this strange feeling you are being followed. (Don’t look now, Emilin, but there is a black SUV at the end of your block.)

4 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not think the subjects will come to you if you drink more. If you do, at best, you can run one you published before. At worst, you will actually hit publish without waiting until the morning after to proofread the work. ( You know those seven words George Carlin said can’t be used on the radio? Well, Emrys, you used each one in your post. They aren’t allowed there either.)

3 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not think you have to be practical. If you do, at best, your work will be as dry as unbuttered rye toast. At worst, you’ll get mail from folks more practical than you telling you how your list is impractical. ( just shows to go ya, Endymion. You can’t please all the people all the time. Gotta stick with fiction.)

2 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not stop until you have ten things. If you do, at best, you’ll look like you had a bad night. At worst, folks will be looking for the tenth item and will assume you are holding out on them. (Okay, so it is not such a big deal, Enrico, but some of your regulars are talking about a boycott. Who advertises ten and then publishes only nine? Crazy people, that’s who.)

1. If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not think you will be discovered someday. If you do, at best, you’ll still work in the dark. At worst, you will create a false expectation that your lists are the key to fame. (It looks like another day has passed without that million seller, Ericson. Maybe you need to make another list.)