Here is the 41st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
Top Ten Things Not To Do When Attending the Opening Day of Baseball
10. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not dress like you would at the playoffs. If you do, at best, some Good Samaritan will loan you a coat. At worst, you might need to be treated for hypothermia, frostbite, or both.
9. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not sit in an uncovered seat even if you consider yourself a bleacher bum. If you do, at best you might just get rained on. At worst, you will get caught under a ton of snow or hailstones and will require rescue by the ski patrol.
8. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not start a fire to keep warm. If you do, at best you’ll be pressed by a bunch of strangers all trying to get warm as well. At worst, the league just might present you with an invoice for $100M to replace the stadium which burned to the ground before the end of the game.
7. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think brandy will help keep away the cold. If you do, at best, you may only forget where you came in. At worst, you might see yourself on the nightly news being dragged off the field by several policemen while you yell “Hey ump, you blind?”
6. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think you can hide from your boss since you told a fib about where you would be. If you do, at best your boss will be in the next row and you’ll have to spend the entire game hunkered down and quiet so you don’t get his attention. At worst, it will be your luck to be featured as the fan of the day on the nightly news which your boss never misses.
5. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not attend the game with anyone of the opposite sex without telling your significant other. If you do, at best you will run into a neighbor who will wonder who is with you which will remind you to text your significant other so there will be no unpleasant surprises when you get home. At worst, the giant gametron will catch you both sharing a laugh and will surround you with one of those annoying hearts demanding that you kiss which, if you do because you both indulged in the brandy of #7, will be featured on the nightly news your partner never misses.
4. When attending the opening day of baseball, as a company team building function, do not force everyone to join you in eating a bag of peanuts just because it is mentioned in the song. If you do, at best, you might have problems with co-workers at work the next day. At worst, you might be named in a class action suit by those who are grossly allergic to peanuts.
3. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not bring a mitt thinking you will catch a ball. If you do, at best, people will think you’ve lost your mind. At worst, you may be the subject of an intervention by family members concerned with your ability to grasp reality unless you actually catch a ball.
2. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not root against the home team. If you do, even if you like the visitors, at best you will have some grumpy people around you. At worst, you could find yourself wishing you had a warm towel to go with the ice cold beer on your head.
1. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think the players can’t hear your insults from the stands. If you do, at best you might get a classic gesture from one of the players that implies you should be mated. At worst, you might encounter a phalanx of very big players in the parking lot all interested giving you a personal remembrance of the game in the form of a bruise.
Fiction Favorites 
Never realized how dangerous opening day of a baseball season could be. Strange thing with the mitts though. I thought it was normal to bring one of those.
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Good morning, John. Great list! I get the sense that you’ve been to your fair share of opening games 🙂
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You know, #1 is awesome. I always wish they can hear my insults, too.
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Some times it is better if they don’t. (For the insultor that is) Thanks for the comment and visit
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Yeah, that’s so true.
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#5 would be my luck. That’s why you should avoid public displays of affection at all costs.
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How embarrassing would that be? BTW I started Red Clay and Roses. Enjoying it.
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Embarrassing? You could get shot that way where I come from. Great on the book! It sort of shatters the illusion of the old south with little white haired old ladies sitting in front porch swings sipping mint juleps. Do enjoy 🙂
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I won’t make them eat the peanuts but I will make them drink the beer.
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All good fun and who wouldn’t want to do that. (I have never heard of a beer allergy. Too much fun yes but allergic no.)
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I once attended a game in April that got snowed out. Bummer, but there’s nothing more lovely than green Astroturf with a coating of the white stuff.
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Add a spot of red and you’ve got a Yuletide motif.
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There’s nothing like Opening Day in Cincinnati … no where … but it has been snowed out before.
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I can imagine how exciting. A little five way chili can ward off any storm. Thanks for the reminder. (I used to travel into Cinci and would go over the bridge to Ft. Mitchell for ribs at Walt’s Rib Shack. Yum)
On Tue, Apr 15, 2014 at 8:06 AM, Fiction Favorites wrote:
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Awesome that you have a Cincy connection. Here are two links on my Opening Day.
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Enjoyed them both. What a hoot!
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As you could tell, the city turned out … over 100K.
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Yikes! I’m guessing this is why I don’t ever go to the opening day of baseball. The stands are a dangerous place! I love when you all do these. Are you doing anything special for the 50th installment?
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Good idea!!!! We may wait until the 52nd which would be a year. Let me ask Marie. Thanks for the thought.
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[…] Mr. John Howell. Many of you know this amazing man and author. He keeps us entertained with his Top 10 Things Not to Do co-written with Mary Ann Bailey. On Wednesdays, he offers us Story Day. This is always an […]
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