Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Bar

 

This list was inspired by listening to stories related by our house guests who had made the bar scene during the Memorial Day Weekend. All of these are hearsay and not a matter of personal experiences. I hope you enjoy.

 

Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Bar

10 If you are visiting a bar, do not stand too close to someone expecting them to talk to you. If you do, at best they will move away. At worst, you might be surprised to find yourself an unwilling volunteer for a jujitsu demonstration with you as the victim.

9 If you are visiting a bar, do not order a flaming drink for any reason. If you do, at best you will confirm your narcissistic tendencies. At worst your concoction will catch the back bar on fire, and the four-alarm fire department cost will put your credit card into default.

8 If you are visiting a bar, do not join others in doing shots. If you do at best, you will fall unconscious. At worst, you will be on your feet but engaged in behavior that your will not recall at your trial.

7 If you are visiting a bar, do not get up on the karaoke stage for any reason. If you do, At best you will be coerced into singing a song that you have never heard of before. At worst, you will be idiot enough to tackle Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and to attempt to sing all the parts.

6 if you are visiting a bar, do not join a discussion about sports if you don’t know anything about sports. If you do, at best your companions will have proof that you are an idiot. At worst, Beefcake Muldoon the guy who’s facts you were challenging will finally have had enough and provide you with your solo flying lesson. (That landing will be pretty rough)

5 If you are visiting a bar, do not insist that the band play your song. If you do, at best the band will ignore you totally. At worst, the huge guy with the word SECURITY on his back will be helping you to the exit to the amusement of the patrons and joy of the band.

4 If you are visiting a bar, do not take drinks and not offer to buy a round. If you do, at best you will soon be drinking alone. At worst, your companions will shame you into buying a drink and suddenly being surprised that the round includes a drink for everyone in the bar as arranged by your former friends.

3 If you are visiting a bar, do not challenge the house champion to a game to impress others. If you do, at best you will be beaten so badly that all those who you wanted to impress think you are an idiot. At worst, you will get into several double or nothing bets that will end up with you no longer having a car.

2 If you are visiting a bar, do not send back a plate of food o matter how bad. If you do, at best those who you are with will wonder why you had the poor judgement to order food in a bar in the first place. At worst, you plate will return from the kitchen with some additional ingredients courtesy of the night cook and his dog.

1 If you are visiting a bar, do not accept the pickled egg eating challenge. If you do, at best you will be finished for the night. At worst, you will be feeling the physical effects of too many pickled eggs for the next week including sleeping alone in the yard.

36 comments

  1. Wonderful John, I loved the last one…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Michel. The eggs were an inspiration from an old time pub I visited once and witnessed such a contest.

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  2. These are great John. A guy who used to work with me was famous for joining our morning coffee run but never picking up the tab. One day, we invited about six extra guests and stuck him with the bill.

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    1. Ha ha ha. I’ve seen this before as well.

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  3. Excellent list. Best way to survive #7 is to do Piano Man by Billy Joel. Several people in the crowd will join in to help.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Especially the old man making love to his tonic and gin.

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      1. Every bar needs one of those.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Like nice wallpaper.

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      3. All I’m thinking of now is scented wallpaper for some reason.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Tears and beers

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  4. LOL. John, i will take this advice. Another great list. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Glad my bar hopping days are over … your list brings back too many (fuzzy) memories 😉 Have a wonderful Memorial Day, John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You too Marie. I’m with you an having not visited a bar in a while.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I prefer to drink at home anyway. No bar can compare with my back porch 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
    This top ten list courtesy of John Howell will make you glad you don’t go to bars anymore. But if you still go to bars … review this list before you go and beware of the pickled eggs 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Marie. You are the best.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I haven’t been in a bar in so long, this list is entertaining. 😀 😀 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Why am I suddenly thinking of that egg scene in “Cool Hand Luke”?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Could be the same.

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  9. Funny. Funny. Thanks for the Monday smile.

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  10. Too funny, John! Thanks for beautifying my Monday. I like your list, especially #7 (which would be challenging, even if one were stone sober, ha!)

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  11. Hilarious! I’ve had a costume boa catch on fire in a bar in Key West. Not a flaming drink, but a table candle. Don’t wear your boa to a bar.

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    1. Key West is where a boa is mandatory. Everywhere else not so much.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Huge fan of number 8, not admitting to anything, however, # 7, been there once and number one has been achieved by my father. I’m just sure of it. 🙂

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    1. I’m glad you could identify with the numbers. Thanks for writing.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. These are hilarious, John! Unfortunately, during Spring Break in my college years, I experienced #8. I ended up winning the limbo contest in Key West. 🙂

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    1. Wow that would be something fun.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. A beautifully comprehensive list. I’m taking note… (I hope to not ever have to witness number 7)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope so too. Thanks for the visit.

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  15. Since I frequently visit bars, this list is handy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You will never need it but thanks.

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  16. Never been able to figure out pickled eggs and pickled pigs feet. Chuckled for various reasons … after all, I grew up in a small town tavern. Then again, I’m so removed from today’s bar scene, I may have to bookmark this for future reference (well, if ever needed).

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    1. I can’t seeing you needing this…ever.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. One never knows what tomorrow brings. 😉

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